I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[heavenonearth]

So what do you think you should do to "raise the bar"??

 

You've already told him that the communication upsets you and that didn't seem to make a difference. Do you think meeting her (in person) will change anything??

 

On one hand I'm impressed with your boyfriend for cutting his vacation short to come home early for your one year dating anniversary, but on the other hand he continues communicating with his ex-girlfriend when he knows it upsets you.

 

I'm scratching my head on this one "Heaven"?? I just don't know...

 

Yeah, it's complicated.

I think I will just have to talk to him about this much clearer on Thursday.

Perhaps he has no clue how pressing this is for me, maybe I wasn't insisting enough on what I need.

 

I think meeting her in person will happen eventually and I think it will be good, but I don't think I am ready for it, and I don't think he or her are ready for this either (meaning, the two of them hanging out). He said every time he has seen her since the break up, it's been kind of awkward.

[lana-banana]

You think you'll do this together, you think you'll do it at a certain time, you think, you think, you think...frankly, I think it's unwise to ever assume you are on the same page unless you've explicitly discussed it and agreed. It doesn't look like you've done that.

 

Again, I am not trying to say that cohabitation and marriage is the only way. It isn't. But I can tell this arrangement really isn't working for you, despite his being the love of your life, and apparently the only thing getting you through is the belief that things will "eventually" change. That doesn't seem sustainable.

[heavenonearth]

You think you'll do this together, you think you'll do it at a certain time, you think, you think, you think...frankly, I think it's unwise to ever assume you are on the same page unless you've explicitly discussed it and agreed. It doesn't look like you've done that.

 

Again, I am not trying to say that cohabitation and marriage is the only way. It isn't. But I can tell this arrangement really isn't working for you, despite his being the love of your life, and apparently the only thing getting you through is the belief that things will "eventually" change. That doesn't seem sustainable.

 

No, we have not talked about when this will happen exactly. Our relationship is not all scheduled out, as in, next year we will do this, and in the year after we will do all of this, etc. We just know we want to be together for a long time and that we want kids in a few years, and move to the country side for that. We essentially have the same desires, and they are becoming more clear with time that we spend together. I have no clue when it will happen, for now, it seems far in the future, but these things can change, who knows.

 

And I don't have to "get through" anything, I am fairly happy with the way things are right now, given I have never imagined to meet someone like him all my life, or that someone would love me so much. What is true, is that I, of course, look forward to the future where we will live together and have a family (I suppose it is a biological thing), but I also don't think that this is something I'd want right now. I am still enjoying having my own place, I love my apartment and I don't want to leave this city.

 

I think you have a bit of a distorted image of our bond, and that's ok, you can't possibly know based on my threads only. Just trying to make things a bit clearer here.

[heavenonearth]

Exactly this!

 

OP---he's afraid to tell you her name because she may stalk you on social media? I'm not seeing what knowing her name has to do with how she is going to act.

 

Going by what OP has posted and not speculating, I think she's more manipulative than she is mentally ill. And even if she is mentally ill, that doesn't mean she can ignore boundaries and be allowed to intrude on OP's relationship and her time with her boyfriend. Exactly how long is she going to be allowed to keep doing this? 20 years?

 

I do think it's interesting what you say.

She may be slightly manipulative. From stories he told me, it's likely she is a pathological control freak. I am not sure to what extent, because he has told some horror stories, whilst also proclaiming she is a good person.

I don't know what she WOULD do to get him back, assuming if she wanted to... wouldn't she have tried already more over the past 1,5 years?

Or maybe she is trying to get 'better' before making that attempt... I don't know.

I do not trust her, but I don't know her one bit, so what do I know.

[Els]

I just glanced at your other threads. This is the same man who went ice skating and to the movies one on one with his "friend's gf" despite you expressing concerns about this, right?

 

 

OP, I say this in the kindest way possible - you need to really have a think about whether you want to continue to allow this sort of behavior or not. This is all very concerning for a relationship of only 1 year, the way he just brushes off all of your concerns. That + the incompatibility in future plans and you walking on eggshells trying not to "rock the boat", is really not a good start to a relationship. It is unlikely to get better.

[heavenonearth]

I just glanced at your other threads. This is the same man who went ice skating and to the movies one on one with his "friend's gf" despite you expressing concerns about this, right?

 

 

OP, I say this in the kindest way possible - you need to really have a think about whether you want to continue to allow this sort of behavior or not. This is all very concerning for a relationship of only 1 year, the way he just brushes off all of your concerns. That + the incompatibility in future plans and you walking on eggshells trying not to "rock the boat", is really not a good start to a relationship. It is unlikely to get better.

 

Yes, same guy and my concerns about going ice skating with his friend were not validated. I have since met this girl and she is super nice and I feel foolish for the fact that I was jealous there. If he would do the same again now, I would have no problems with it.

 

He genuinely does not brush off all of my concerns, we frequently resolve all sorts of crap that I don't post on here BECAUSE of our compatibility and ability to be open with each other. He tends to be a good communicator. Our communication has gotten better over the months, as we get to know each other better, and are adjusting to each other's needs. I do not feel that I am walking on eggshells at all. We literally talk about everything. I am right now trying to figure out how to bring up the stuff with his ex and her texting him all the time, and once I have formulated a clear way of communicating this to him, we will manage to figure this out, also. I am just unsure how to do that yet.

 

What incompatibility of future plans are you referring to?

[heavenonearth]

I appreciate everybody's input, it seems people's opinions go into different directions on this. I hope we can keep it at that, and not divert, because I really hate feeling the need to defend my wonderful boyfriend on this thread bc people keep thinking he's this selfish, uncommunicative, uncommitted, cheating with his ex - piece of trash, lol. Couldn't be farther from the truth. Please, be kind. Thanks.

[smackie9]

My advice....your BF needs to ween her off him. The longer he keeps this up, the more he enables her dependence on him. He can start by setting her straight that she needs to seek out counseling, or therapy for her depression, that he cannot help her with this. There are free resources available for her because of her disabilities. He can find the proper websites and forward them to her to steer her away from him. He can't cut her off right away, but he can do this slowly. He can also contact her parents and dump the responsibility onto them. He can tell them he wants to move on with his life and needs their help to help her.

Edited June 25, 2018 by smackie9

[preraph]

Just because someone doesn't want further commitment with their ex doesn't mean they won't sleep with them if they beg. Exes always know how to pull the strings.

[heavenonearth]

Just because someone doesn't want further commitment with their ex doesn't mean they won't sleep with them if they beg. Exes always know how to pull the strings.

 

Urgh people please stop with this, you're taking it too far.

Nobody is cheating on anyone here, thanks for your concern tho.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Because of my own trust issues, which you certainly do not have, I'd propose an ultimatum.

 

It's not a healthy solution, but it is A solution.

[No_Go]

No, we have not talked about when this will happen exactly. Our relationship is not all scheduled out, as in, next year we will do this, and in the year after we will do all of this, etc. We just know we want to be together for a long time and that we want kids in a few years, and move to the country side for that.

 

That’s probably the most positive and loving statement I’ve seen on this forum:) IMO two hands - that’s the way to go, not impose some timelines for ‘relationship promotion’ or whatever people feel like calling it.

 

Heaven don’t rush him with anything. Unless you’re majorly worried about the ex, brush it off. Seriously that’s the only way NOT to make him shut down and start hiding this and feeling uncomfortable. The more involved you are, the better. You’re trying to help him out (and his friends/family), not being a moral police. He’d greatly appreciate your maturity if you’re able to do so and I bet the issue with the ex will resolve itself.

 

From all you described and my knowledge of his culture, ‘she or me’ or ‘move in or the highway’ type of conversations that are “kindly” suggested here are going to make him run not walk......

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not going to jump on the "cheating" bandwagon, but both of these people have serious boundary issues they need to acknowledge and fix. And you have every right to request that.

[heavenonearth]

I'm not going to jump on the "cheating" bandwagon, but both of these people have serious boundary issues they need to acknowledge and fix. And you have every right to request that.

 

I don't even think he has boundary issues, but I do think he sees it as no big deal, probably mainly because there are no romantic feelings involved and he sees her merely as a friend. Poor judgement on his part, if you ask me.

Her intentions on the other hand....

 

Either way, I will certainly suggest to be more included in the whole thing, but won't tell him to not have contact with her anymore, of course.

[coolheadal]

Of course we are madly in love with each other. For both of us, this is IT.

I feel very much loved by him and I don't think our togetherness is 'screwed up'. Not settling for anything, he's the love of my life.

 

 

 

He does not have romantic feelings for her anymore, he sees her as a friend.

He does not need to talk to her to feel 'whole again', I am making him feel whole enough, thanks.

 

 

 

We are not single, we are in a committed partnership with each other.

 

He does not see her and has not seen her since November.

 

Well you see you got to fill in the blanks. But still if you are in this so called committed relationship then he shouldn't be talking to her, no cell, no text and not in person. She should be history to him, but yet he's texting her back. I see you made a comment your going to talk to him about it. But with all us talking about this here with you, give you a better leverage on how to deal with this. Love can be blind at times, I do like you both are in love that's very hard to say today. But still he needs to say no to the ex instead of saying yes, okay sure, no problem etc.. That needs to stop and you need to make sure it stops. Stop looking the other way or you hope he will do the right thing in the end? But excuses start rolling out of his mouth...

[heavenonearth]

That’s probably the most positive and loving statement I’ve seen on this forum:) IMO two hands - that’s the way to go, not impose some timelines for ‘relationship promotion’ or whatever people feel like calling it.

 

Heaven don’t rush him with anything. Unless you’re majorly worried about the ex, brush it off. Seriously that’s the only way NOT to make him shut down and start hiding this and feeling uncomfortable. The more involved you are, the better. You’re trying to help him out (and his friends/family), not being a moral police. He’d greatly appreciate your maturity if you’re able to do so and I bet the issue with the ex will resolve itself.

 

From all you described and my knowledge of his culture, ‘she or me’ or ‘move in or the highway’ type of conversations that are “kindly” suggested here are going to make him run not walk......

 

 

Yes. That's the thing : I want to be involved.

I need to get myself more involved. I have to admit I have been rather passive.

[JuneL]

I don't even think he has boundary issues, but I do think he sees it as no big deal, probably mainly because there are no romantic feelings involved and he sees her merely as a friend. Poor judgement on his part, if you ask me.

Her intentions on the other hand....

 

Either way, I will certainly suggest to be more included in the whole thing, but won't tell him to not have contact with her anymore, of course.

 

Of course he has boundary issues!

[coolheadal]

Yes. That's the thing : I want to be involved.

I need to get myself more involved. I have to admit I have been rather passive.

 

You seem to be a nice girl, woman, but like most of us we tent to be more passive and let things like this happen. Need to stand-up now so it doesn't continue. You can do it! Hold on to your man! Do whatever it takes to make this work and stop the ex from coming back into the picture!

[lana-banana]

I asked my husband, who thought the entire situation was completely normal up until the "he won't tell you her name" art, at which point he said "No, something is up." I don't think he's cheating on you, but I can't fathom any legitimate reason why he won't give you her name or explain more. It makes no sense. I used to date a guy who stalked and threatened me and was later institutionalized---I was very scared of him. You had better believe I told EVERY guy afterwards his name, because I wanted them to be aware. If he is really scared of this woman (which I doubt) why would he keep that from you?

 

You say you want to be more involved, which is totally understandable for someone you've been dating a year. But nothing you've said indicates that you're being too passive. If anything, the reason why you are still as distant and uninvolved as you are is because he wants to keep it that way.

[heavenonearth]

I asked my husband, who thought the entire situation was completely normal up until the "he won't tell you her name" art, at which point he said "No, something is up." I don't think he's cheating on you, but I can't fathom any legitimate reason why he won't give you her name or explain more. It makes no sense. I used to date a guy who stalked and threatened me and was later institutionalized---I was very scared of him. You had better believe I told EVERY guy afterwards his name, because I wanted them to be aware. If he is really scared of this woman (which I doubt) why would he keep that from you?

 

You say you want to be more involved, which is totally understandable for someone you've been dating a year. But nothing you've said indicates that you're being too passive. If anything, the reason why you are still as distant and uninvolved as you are is because he wants to keep it that way.

 

I know her name, you must have misread. I know who she is. What I wrote is, that he did not tell her my name when he told her about me back in November, he simply said he is seeing someone now and that's it, he didn't say "Oh and her name is Heaven and she does that and this and bla and bla". I guess he thought at the time there is no need in parading in front of her his new happy relationship.

 

I don't think he wants to keep me uninvolved; i have never indicated to him that I want to meet her or that i want to know more about her or their past relationship. Everything I know so far he told on his own without me even asking. He does not shy away from answers when I ask questions, he is very open.

 

Edit: And yes, I know he is not cheating on me. Thanks.

[JuneL]

I thought it’s the other way round: The bf wouldn’t tell the ex OP’s name.

 

I asked my husband, who thought the entire situation was completely normal up until the "he won't tell you her name" art, at which point he said "No, something is up." I don't think he's cheating on you, but I can't fathom any legitimate reason why he won't give you her name or explain more. It makes no sense. I used to date a guy who stalked and threatened me and was later institutionalized---I was very scared of him. You had better believe I told EVERY guy afterwards his name, because I wanted them to be aware. If he is really scared of this woman (which I doubt) why would he keep that from you?

 

You say you want to be more involved, which is totally understandable for someone you've been dating a year. But nothing you've said indicates that you're being too passive. If anything, the reason why you are still as distant and uninvolved as you are is because he wants to keep it that way.

[coolheadal]

I know her name, you must have misread. I know who she is. What I wrote is, that he did not tell her my name when he told her about me back in November, he simply said he is seeing someone now and that's it, he didn't say "Oh and her name is Heaven and she does that and this and bla and bla". I guess he thought at the time there is no need in parading in front of her his new happy relationship.

 

I don't think he wants to keep me uninvolved; i have never indicated to him that I want to meet her or that i want to know more about her or their past relationship. Everything I know so far he told on his own without me even asking. He does not shy away from answers when I ask questions, he is very open.

 

Edit: And yes, I know he is not cheating on me. Thanks.

 

No one here should have said he was cheating on you. I doubt that he would because of what you told us including myself. I think you got a guy who not telling you everything though. Shy don't use that as excuse he can tell you. You just need to listen to what he tells you then you say what's on your mind! You don't need to talk to his ex-gf that wouldn't help you nor him. This is something he needs to take care of ASAP!

[lana-banana]

Ah, I apologize for the misread. Yet and still, his refusal to integrate you into his life is disconcerting, and him not telling her your name is really just as weird.

 

I still find this entire situation very odd, and his continued disregard for your discomfort with female friends to be insensitive, and I don't think it's normal to be terrified of him cheating with a new girl from a bike trip when he goes more than twelve hours without contact. You say you feel fine and assured and this doesn't bother you, but you've posted extensive evidence to the contrary for a whole year now.

 

I am of the opinion that your gut is usually not wrong, and there's a good reason you worry as much as you do. But I understand that you aren't interested in hearing it, so I will bow out, sincerely wish you well and hope that nothing disturbs you enough to where you feel the need to question things again.

[heavenonearth]

Ah, I apologize for the misread. Yet and still, his refusal to integrate you into his life is disconcerting, and him not telling her your name is really just as weird.

 

I still find this entire situation very odd, and his continued disregard for your discomfort with female friends to be insensitive, and I don't think it's normal to be terrified of him cheating with a new girl from a bike trip when he goes more than twelve hours without contact. You say you feel fine and assured and this doesn't bother you, but you've posted extensive evidence to the contrary for a whole year now.

 

I am of the opinion that your gut is usually not wrong, and there's a good reason you worry as much as you do. But I understand that you aren't interested in hearing it, so I will bow out, sincerely wish you well and hope that nothing disturbs you enough to where you feel the need to question things again.

 

 

My insecurities have nothing to do with him. I have severe abandonment issues that were caused through experiences I had in my childhood, and often triggered with previous boyfriends who mistreated me.

My current boyfriend has not given me any reason to doubt him, and my worries are guided by experiences that I had prior to meeting him.

My "gut" is not telling me anything, it's a thing called Anxiety, and it's something I am unable to control. I have been in therapy for this (even before meeting him) and am going back next week longterm, as well. it has helped me a lot and that's why i want to go back, because the past 6 months i have noticed a decline in my ability to control my anxiety.

 

I also do not understand where you get the 'he doesn't integrate you into his life' from. He's tried so much to include me, I have met his family back in October, literally a day after he asked me to be my boyfriend. I spent Christmas with them, I went on a holiday with them recently. I have met quite a few of his friends by now and he always wants me to join in on all the fun, it's just that often I can't cause I don't live close, or I have other plans. He's been nothing but inclusive.

 

Also, there are literally no close female friends, apart from his best friend's girlfriend (the one I wrote about a few months back). It's not like he is out and about with a different female friend every week, he hung out with her twice in a year, usually they do not have one on one time. he has not spend any time with any female friend other than her in the whole year we have been together.

 

Hope I could clear some things up.

[Romantic_Antics]

My boyfriends ex girlfriend is constantly texting him.

 

This is never a good sign. The only woman in my life I'm in constant contact with is my beautiful, loving girlfriend. I do have an ex who is my best female friend, but there's no need or desire for us to talk constantly.

 

She’s depressed and has some physical liabilities that forced her to stop working and living with her parents again.

I have two female friends who suffer from major depression. When they're going through bouts of depression, they barely talk to anybody. They don't rely on ex boyfriends who have moved on to new relationships, especially on a constant basis.

 

She’s currently in a very bad place and has almost no friends.

Thus she is seeking my boyfriends comfort often.

This makes sense if she has no friends, but "almost" only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. She still has other friends to turn to and is, at bare minimum, violating some boundaries by remaining in constant contact with your boyfriend.

 

It has happened a few times now that i am sitting on the couch with my boyfriend and he shows me something on his phone whilst a text of his ex pops up.

He realizes i am annoyed with it but he’s not really doing anything about it.

It’s starting to really irritate me.

The fact that he's aware you're annoyed but isn't doing anything about it is very telling. I love my girlfriend with all my heart and soul - she is my future wife - and if an ex girlfriend of mine was in constant contact with me to the extent that it was bothering her, the ex would be promptly cut off. Do you understand what I'm saying here?

 

obviously i can’t tell him to stop contact with her, so what do i do?

I am trying to suck it up but i find it hard to deal with.

Then this is exactly what you tell him. That you're trying to suck it up, but you're unable to continue to deal with it.

 

I am not jealous of her

If this was true you wouldn't have posted this thread.

 

(except the fact she got to spend a significant amount of time with him, where as i am only with him for a year now), and i don’t see her as a threat, but i am highly irritated by her and i feel super uncomfortable by her being on the radar in any shape or form.

^And all of this proves it. You're not at fault though for how you feel about it. It's an inappropriate relationship for your boyfriend to be maintaining with the level of frequency you're describing, especially since he is aware of how you feel about it.

 

What would you do if you were me?

At the very least, he needs to tell her to back off a bit because it's making you feel uncomfortable, and you need to tell him exactly how it makes you feel. There's nothing wrong with exes being friends or even being supportive of one another provided it doesn't have any kind of negative impact on the new relationship or with the new relationship partner. That's not the case here and the contact is frequent enough to be at least a little suspicious. Talk about it before it gets worse and don't continue to just suck it up. That's not healthy for you or the relationship. Edited June 25, 2018 by Romantic_Antics