I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[Lorenza]

That’s why I thought it’s on the bf to set boundaries. The ex might get the impression that OP is just an weekend gf vs. the ex had lived with him for many years.

 

Hmm yeah, now when I think about, I'm starting to understand Heaven's feelings more clearly. I can understand why it might sting that the ex who already got most of him is still getting his attention while Heaven struggles to get more involved (ok struggles is a bit strong of a word)

[heavenonearth]

Not to be a downer here, but have you thought about the possibility that...well, that this is it? Are you in Netherlands? If it's dating culture is anything like here in Sweden, this amount of involvement might be it for now. Here where I am, many couples don't get past "meeting up on weekends and having completely separate lives on weekdays" for a few years. That's how dating works here. But I really hope I'm wrong and I'm not claiming anything or saying that it will happen to you

 

 

That’s why I thought it’s on the bf to set boundaries. The ex might get the impression that OP is just an weekend gf vs. the ex had lived with him for many years.

 

 

Hmm yeah, now when I think about, I'm starting to understand Heaven's feelings more clearly. I can understand why it might sting that the ex who already got most of him is still getting his attention while Heaven struggles to get more involved (ok struggles is a bit strong of a word)

 

 

It really is going into that direction... I believe there is an subconscious jealousy of mine toward her, not for the situation now, because obviously he is with me, but for the fact that she got him for 15 years and I only have him for a short time now (1 year so far) -- and thus the fact that she is still imprinting on him in some way is making me pissed off because I feel like she's had enough of him now, it's my turn... ya know?

 

And with "more involved", I don't mean in his life in general, I mean I want him to be more transparent about their interactions (between him and his ex).

I am not saying he is hiding things, but when I ask, he is often very vague. I do think he believes it is none of my business what theyare talking about, and I sort of also get he does not want to tell me every single detail of her problems, cause it's her stuff to deal with... but still, I feel a bit left out on it all an I wish also to know more about what her knowledge level of me is by now...

[JuneL]

But they might talk about her vulnerable stuff, and disclosing the details would breach her confidentiality. Now of course, you can argue that the boyfriend shouldn’t indulge in such personal convos with her, which I agree.

 

It really is going into that direction... I believe there is an subconscious jealousy of mine toward her, not for the situation now, because obviously he is with me, but for the fact that she got him for 15 years and I only have him for a short time now (1 year so far) -- and thus the fact that she is still imprinting on him in some way is making me pissed off because I feel like she's had enough of him now, it's my turn... ya know?

 

And with "more involved", I don't mean in his life in general, I mean I want him to be more transparent about their interactions (between him and his ex).

I am not saying he is hiding things, but when I ask, he is often very vague. I do think he believes it is none of my business what theyare talking about, and I sort of also get he does not want to tell me every single detail of her problems, cause it's her stuff to deal with... but still, I feel a bit left out on it all an I wish also to know more about what her knowledge level of me is by now...

[No_Go]

Not to be a downer here, but have you thought about the possibility that...well, that this is it? Are you in Netherlands? If it's dating culture is anything like here in Sweden, this amount of involvement might be it for now. Here where I am, many couples don't get past "meeting up on weekends and having completely separate lives on weekdays" for a few years. That's how dating works here. But I really hope I'm wrong and I'm not claiming anything or saying that it will happen to you

 

Well NL and Scandinavia Are very much alike in dating culture I believe... I know people that were living together and still living separate lives to the point of not touching each other's shelves in the fridge, keeping friends circles separate etc [btw many of these people are now parents together so it worked out just fine]

 

But OP seems to be ok with it (and she's raised in similar culture so it all makes sense), that's not the issue. She wants more involvement in the interactions with the ex, not life in general. And aside from breeching privacy (which is on her BF to filter the info), I think that's a good strategy to tame her jealousy and also build up their bond (instead of crazy GF she'll be a supportive partner)

[heavenonearth]

Well NL and Scandinavia Are very much alike in dating culture I believe... I know people that were living together and still living separate lives to the point of not touching each other's shelves in the fridge, keeping friends circles separate etc [btw many of these people are now parents together so it worked out just fine]

 

But OP seems to be ok with it (and she's raised in similar culture so it all makes sense), that's not the issue. She wants more involvement in the interactions with the ex, not life in general. And aside from breeching privacy (which is on her BF to filter the info), I think that's a good strategy to tame her jealousy and also build up their bond (instead of crazy GF she'll be a supportive partner)

 

 

I think scandi dating culture is a bit different from NL dating culture... I think scandi people are a bit more reserved and dutch people more direct.

 

anyway, we eat off each others' plates, so we're cool.

[JuneL]

Well NL and Scandinavia Are very much alike in dating culture I believe... I know people that were living together and still living separate lives to the point of not touching each other's shelves in the fridge, keeping friends circles separate etc [btw many of these people are now parents together so it worked out just fine]

 

But OP seems to be ok with it (and she's raised in similar culture so it all makes sense), that's not the issue. She wants more involvement in the interactions with the ex, not life in general. And aside from breeching privacy (which is on her BF to filter the info), I think that's a good strategy to tame her jealousy and also build up their bond (instead of crazy GF she'll be a supportive partner)

 

I think I’m asking this question the 3rd time: I’d love to know how you can impose your involvement in their communication without their willingness. There’s a recent thread in which a guy was super annoyed that the hubby of his ex-wife was imposing a friendship on him.

 

Good luck!

[No_Go]

I think I’m asking this question the 3rd time: I’d love to know how you can impose your involvement in their communication without their willingness. There’s a recent thread in which a guy was super annoyed that the hubby of his ex-wife was imposing a friendship on him.

 

Good luck!

 

I meant Heaven&BF talk about his ex, not Heaven&ex talking directly. This will be crazy and the ex will oppose most likely..

[Gaeta]

It really is going into that direction... I believe there is an subconscious jealousy of mine toward her, not for the situation now, because obviously he is with me, but for the fact that she got him for 15 years and I only have him for a short time now (1 year so far) -- and thus the fact that she is still imprinting on him in some way is making me pissed off because I feel like she's had enough of him now, it's my turn... ya know?

 

 

I remember feeling this way when I was a young bride. My ex-h had been with his ex for something like 3 years and they had a child together so I couldn't wait for us to be together + 3 years and for us to have 'our' child. That jealousy came from being young and not having much experience at life and love. You need to understand you get to spend your life with the man your BF has become and she got the earlier version of him. You might not even have liked the earlier version of him. There is nothing to be jealous about. You need to chase those feelings away, they're a waste of feelings and energy.

[heavenonearth]

I remember feeling this way when I was a young bride. My ex-h had been with his ex for something like 3 years and they had a child together so I couldn't wait for us to be together + 3 years and for us to have 'our' child. That jealousy came from being young and not having much experience at life and love. You need to understand you get to spend your life with the man your BF has become and she got the earlier version of him. You might not even have liked the earlier version of him. There is nothing to be jealous about. You need to chase those feelings away, they're a waste of feelings and energy.

 

Mh I mentioned something along those lines to him once ("I wish I met you 10 years ago") and he said "You wouldn't have liked me then." Maybe that's true.

[coolheadal]

No, he does not want to get married. I am okay with that, I don't want to either. I was married before and I don't want to do it again, it has zero meaning to me. I would like a wedding/party one day, but i do not need a marriage to know I am committed to someone and vice versa.

The living together: yeah, that is true, he does not want to live together right now, and that's ok. We have made talked to eventually live together but I completely understand him needing his own space right now, after living in this tiny apartment for 10 years with his ex. I enjoy my time alone now as well. We are not planning to raise our kids in separate households, though.

Also:

There are no other women in his life. He doesn't go out and meet women and has all sorts of secret texting going on with women he meets. He's not that kind of guy. Pleaseeeeee staahpppp.

 

In bold you said this about not planning to raise our kids in separate households, though.

 

Are you speaking from experience or the future with him?

[heavenonearth]

In bold you said this about not planning to raise our kids in separate households, though.

 

Are you speaking from experience or the future with him?

 

Since we do not have any children, as I mentioned, this is the plan for the future in which we will have kid/s together.

[Happy Lemming]

-- and thus the fact that she is still imprinting on him in some way is making me pissed off because I feel like she's had enough of him now, it's my turn... ya know?

 

So you've gone from annoyed to "pissed off"??

 

I know this is at the forefront of your brain. In other threads you stated you "hated your brain" because of a zit. Then you wondered about other women on the cycling trip he went on. So I can surmise the "ex-girlfriend communication" is really niggling at your brain and won't let go.

 

Do you think the issue is exasperated by your mental state?? Are you still in a "holding pattern" waiting for a therapist??

 

How do you feel about telling your boyfriend that the "ex-girlfriend communications" are affecting your mental state of mind?? Explain that this is really hurting you?? Are you losing any sleep over this??

[heavenonearth]

So you've gone from annoyed to "pissed off"??

 

I know this is at the forefront of your brain. In other threads you stated you "hated your brain" because of a zit. Then you wondered about other women on the cycling trip he went on. So I can surmise the "ex-girlfriend communication" is really niggling at your brain and won't let go.

 

Do you think the issue is exasperated by your mental state?? Are you still in a "holding pattern" waiting for a therapist??

 

How do you feel about telling your boyfriend that the "ex-girlfriend communications" are affecting your mental state of mind?? Explain that this is really hurting you?? Are you losing any sleep over this??

 

Let's just say I am using the words 'annoyed' and 'pissed off' interchangeably, because this is a forum and not an academic essay and I am just trying to explain my emotions. I am feeling a lot of emotions every day, I am a highly sensitive person, and my feelings regarding this issue also change a lot.

To answer your questions,

I am starting therapy again next week. I wish it would have happened sooner because I really do need it.

 

I have not told my boyfriend that this affects my state of mind, although it does. I am not losing sleep over it but I dont sleep well to begin with, due to general sleep issues I have had for years. Any anxious feeling contributes to my overall well being, of course. Anxiety is no fun for no one.

[Happy Lemming]

I am feeling a lot of emotions every day, I am a highly sensitive person, and my feelings regarding this issue also change a lot.

 

Yes, I know you are highly sensitive and I'm not trying to make the situation worse. I know it is hard for you to let go of issues/problems.

 

I am starting therapy again next week. I wish it would have happened sooner because I really do need it.

 

That is GREAT news!! Crossing my fingers you find a therapist you are compatible with. My girlfriend went through many therapists until she found her present one, which she likes.

 

I have not told my boyfriend that this affects my state of mind, although it does.

 

In my opinion, I think you need to.

 

Any anxious feeling contributes to my overall well being, of course. Anxiety is no fun for no one.

 

Your boyfriend needs to know this. Unknowingly, he is really hurting you and I know he doesn't want to do that.

[heavenonearth]

Yes, I know you are highly sensitive and I'm not trying to make the situation worse. I know it is hard for you to let go of issues/problems.

 

 

That is GREAT news!! Crossing my fingers you find a therapist you are compatible with. My girlfriend went through many therapists until she found her present one, which she likes.

 

 

In my opinion, I think you need to.

 

Your boyfriend needs to know this. Unknowingly, he is really hurting you and I know he doesn't want to do that.

 

 

It's actually a therapy group, so not one on one. Never tried this specifically for my problems, so I hope it will be fruitful.

 

I will talk to him on Thursday. I still have to figure out how to best approach it, and what exactly to address in what order/manner, in order for him to understand where I am coming from.

[coolheadal]

It's actually a therapy group, so not one on one. Never tried this specifically for my problems, so I hope it will be fruitful.

 

I will talk to him on Thursday. I still have to figure out how to best approach it, and what exactly to address in what order/manner, in order for him to understand where I am coming from.

 

Just say what's on your mind. You already told us here everything that was on it and why. So write down what you want to say. Take down keywords from here and use that to speak to him.

 

Have you ever done Meditation?

[heavenonearth]

Just say what's on your mind. You already told us here everything that was on it and why. So write down what you want to say. Take down keywords from here and use that to speak to him.

 

Have you ever done Meditation?

 

No not really. Been wanting to but i feel so far removed from calm in general that i feel its a huge task to begin with.

[Lorenza]

Meditation can be difficult for an anxious person to master, I've tried it and I just used to have way too many thoughts to focus. Working out is way more effective imo

[heavenonearth]

Meditation can be difficult for an anxious person to master, I've tried it and I just used to have way too many thoughts to focus. Working out is way more effective imo

 

Agreed, which is why I recently took up cycling.

 

I do want to master meditation eventually but it's not possible right now.

[coolheadal]

No not really. Been wanting to but i feel so far removed from calm in general that i feel its a huge task to begin with.

 

It has help me be a better person and so healing. I see you said you ride a bike but outside noise and negative people can effects one psyche. I've been through a lot in my with the lost of my family, friends an etc. This helps me be more in tune with myself. I go the full nine yards white candles, burning oil and water streams . It's better to do it at night. You need a quiet place, turn off anything that can disturb you. Play Reiki Grounding music first you have to ground yourself to remove all negative energy. The Reiki music to give you the feeling of being lifted out of the chair or bed (lying down). You do need a bit more than this to you would need to see a Reiki master setting in a group share the healing of mind.

[coolheadal]

Agreed, which is why I recently took up cycling.

 

I do want to master meditation eventually but it's not possible right now.

 

You can try Yoga, you can do it at home there... Tai Chi healing but again, so much you can do to help make you feel relax and whole again.

[heavenonearth]

It has help me be a better person and so healing. I see you said you ride a bike but outside noise and negative people can effects one psyche. I've been through a lot in my with the lost of my family, friends an etc. This helps me be more in tune with myself. I go the full nine yards white candles, burning oil and water streams . It's better to do it at night. You need a quiet place, turn off anything that can disturb you. Play Reiki Grounding music first you have to ground yourself to remove all negative energy. The Reiki music to give you the feeling of being lifted out of the chair or bed (lying down). You do need a bit more than this to you would need to see a Reiki master setting in a group share the healing of mind.

 

You can try Yoga, you can do it at home there... Tai Chi healing but again, so much you can do to help make you feel relax and whole again.

 

 

 

Cycling is the ONLY thing in YEARS that has been able to calm my anxiety even in the slightest. I go on really long rides, usually around 50-70km (30-45miles) in a day. I recently invested in a really nice race bike, and I love it. There is nothing negative about it!

 

Yes, I do yoga from time to time, I definitely want to incorporate it more into my routine. Same goes for meditation, i really want to try it and go all in, just haven't been able to get into the groove yet.

Maybe I will start now, i have some time this summer to explore it.

[heavenonearth]

I think I’m asking this question the 3rd time: I’d love to know how you can impose your involvement in their communication without their willingness. There’s a recent thread in which a guy was super annoyed that the hubby of his ex-wife was imposing a friendship on him.

 

Good luck!

 

I don't want to communicate with her per se, I just would like to know what it is they talk about.

[heavenonearth]

Should not have brought it up.

 

He came over today and it escalated into an argument and then he left.

 

I am pretty sad about it.

[Happy Lemming]

Should not have brought it up.

 

He came over today and it escalated into an argument and then he left.

 

I am pretty sad about it.

 

You brought up something that was upsetting you. It turned into an argument because your boyfriend turned it into one. That is very telling. I think there is more to the story (on his end) that he is not telling you. In my opinion, I think his actions are a bit of an over-reaction.

 

It is OK to be sad about his action of leaving, but not about voicing your concerns. You should be able to communicate about issues like this one, without one party escalating it into an argument and leaving.

 

Just my two cents...