I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[coolheadal]

Perhaps you and/or your partner might be okay with the other person texting an ex multiple times a day, several days a week, while at the same time never even having mentioned your name to said ex.

 

To many of us, that is a huge breach of boundaries. Many people don't text their ex multiple times a day, and expect the same of their partner. That is our prerogative, and frankly I think it's rather presumptive to try and tell someone that their boundaries are "wrong".

 

It's just a matter of what works for the individual couple. I know my SO would be upset if I was contacting an ex on such a frequent basis, and I would be similarly. We don't do these things not because of the "effort" it entails, but rather out of respect to the boundaries we have mutually established.

 

Whether or not the OP and her bf want to establish such boundaries is entirely up to them, but the OP is most certainly NOT wrong for wanting that!

 

I couldn't say it any better! I agree with your statement 100%!

[Gaeta]

My goodness this thread is giving me the hives!

 

 

People need to understand that Heaven is from a different continent and relationships are conducted a bit differently than the in the US. I told this entire story to my BF from France and he's shocked most of people on there would not offer support and kindness to an ex in her situation. I would like to add my european bf and I are getting close to 3 years together and we don't live together, we don't have marriage plans and no plans to move in together soon. It is in NO way related to the amount of love we have for each other.

 

 

 

It would be nice if people kept with the facts. Heaven's bf does NOT text several times a day to this woman and he does NOT communicate with her on daily basis!

 

 

 

Heaven, I feel you have nothing to worry about. Dating is about getting to know each other and making adjustment along the road. This is only a matter of him including you more. This is the next phase of your relationship, after all it's just been a year and you only see each other on weekends, it's not like you spent 4-5 days a week together and there is a lot of time to share all the tiny little details of his contact with her. Even if you spent more time together it doesn't mean he would and honestly I don't think he needs to. I don't nag my bf with if his exs contact him and for what. I trust him to handle himself accordingly while in a relationship with me.

[heavenonearth]

You mentioned that he said he never wanted to live together or get married, whereas you do, right?

 

 

I mean, I genuinely am not trying to jump on you or him here. And I'm definitely not on the "cheating" bandwagon either - I don't think we have nearly enough information to make an assumption like that. I do hope you both manage to work things out, but I really think that he needs to be more considerate of some of the things he does and says, especially involving other women including his ex.

 

No, he does not want to get married. I am okay with that, I don't want to either. I was married before and I don't want to do it again, it has zero meaning to me. I would like a wedding/party one day, but i do not need a marriage to know I am committed to someone and vice versa.

The living together: yeah, that is true, he does not want to live together right now, and that's ok. We have made talked to eventually live together but I completely understand him needing his own space right now, after living in this tiny apartment for 10 years with his ex. I enjoy my time alone now as well. We are not planning to raise our kids in separate households, though.

 

Also:

There are no other women in his life. He doesn't go out and meet women and has all sorts of secret texting going on with women he meets. He's not that kind of guy. Pleaseeeeee staahpppp.

[heavenonearth]

My goodness this thread is giving me the hives!

 

 

People need to understand that Heaven is from a different continent and relationships are conducted a bit differently than the in the US. I told this entire story to my BF from France and he's shocked most of people on there would not offer support and kindness to an ex in her situation. I would like to add my european bf and I are getting close to 3 years together and we don't live together, we don't have marriage plans and no plans to move in together soon. It is in NO way related to the amount of love we have for each other.

 

 

 

It would be nice if people kept with the facts. Heaven's bf does NOT text several times a day to this woman and he does NOT communicate with her on daily basis!

 

 

 

Heaven, I feel you have nothing to worry about. Dating is about getting to know each other and making adjustment along the road. This is only a matter of him including you more. This is the next phase of your relationship, after all it's just been a year and you only see each other on weekends, it's not like you spent 4-5 days a week together and there is a lot of time to share all the tiny little details of his contact with her. Even if you spent more time together it doesn't mean he would and honestly I don't think he needs to. I don't nag my bf with if his exs contact him and for what. I trust him to handle himself accordingly while in a relationship with me.

 

 

Thanks Gaeta. I do agree with you and also trust my boyfriend a great deal, and I know he would not do anything to jeapordize our relationship, or do anything that would hurt me. He's not that kind of guy, and he is quite adamant about his commitment to me/us.

But you are right in the assumption that I desire more involvement, and his texting with the ex has triggered that in me. I don't want to be a mysterium to her, and I wish he'd be clear with her about the kind of relationship he has with me. Perhaps he has already done so, I don't know. I haven't asked, because I am scared to bring up the subject of his ex, but at the same time it is important to me to find out. I don't know how I will bring it up, but I have to in some sort of way this week.

[Gaeta]

Thanks Gaeta. I do agree with you and also trust my boyfriend a great deal, and I know he would not do anything to jeapordize our relationship, or do anything that would hurt me. He's not that kind of guy, and he is quite adamant about his commitment to me/us.

But you are right in the assumption that I desire more involvement, and his texting with the ex has triggered that in me. I don't want to be a mysterium to her, and I wish he'd be clear with her about the kind of relationship he has with me. Perhaps he has already done so, I don't know. I haven't asked, because I am scared to bring up the subject of his ex, but at the same time it is important to me to find out. I don't know how I will bring it up, but I have to in some sort of way this week.

 

 

And imagine you bring this up over the weekend and he says of course she knows your name and she knows this is serious then this thread would have you gone through all sorts of emotional ups and downs for nothing

[coolheadal]

No, he does not want to get married. I am okay with that, I don't want to either. I was married before and I don't want to do it again, it has zero meaning to me. I would like a wedding/party one day, but i do not need a marriage to know I am committed to someone and vice versa.

The living together: yeah, that is true, he does not want to live together right now, and that's ok. We have made talked to eventually live together but I completely understand him needing his own space right now, after living in this tiny apartment for 10 years with his ex. I enjoy my time alone now as well. We are not planning to raise our kids in separate households, though.

 

Also:

There are no other women in his life. He doesn't go out and meet women and has all sorts of secret texting going on with women he meets. He's not that kind of guy. Pleaseeeeee staahpppp.

 

Well OP you have told us a lot more about your life with this guy and your plans too. You two have kids from other past relationships if he had kids with the ex-gf then he's going to keep in contact with her for the kids sake. Same with you with your ex-bf kids daddy. Can't take the away from the kids. Living together or not that's up too you both. Getting married again well a lot of us don't do that. I feel like you but I could always change my mind. The woman I met from work not perfect she never married, she wants to get married to me I have put that off until I see some improvement in her. We did have huge fight where I got very upset. I am not the type to get upset so this one was really bad. Had me standing out in the rain. Anyway that resulted with a lot of name calling and things that shouldn't come out. But in the end she saying the magical words of love. Still got a long way to go but it might just work out the way it should. You know what you want now you know what else to do we all here have express a lot on you. I never said he was cheating on you I doubt it he was. But you filled in some more blanks to now see he's not. If they have kids together you can't stop him from texting her though.

[Els]

There are no other women in his life. He doesn't go out and meet women and has all sorts of secret texting going on with women he meets. He's not that kind of guy. Pleaseeeeee staahpppp.

 

 

This was not what I meant at all! When I said "involving other women", I literally meant his contact with other women. I did not mean that I thought he was "involved" with other women in the sense of cheating or keeping secrets from you.

 

 

I guess it's hard to offer you any advice because clearly this behaviour of his bothers you, yet you side with the posters who seem to think that it shouldn't bother you. For instance, you seem to agree with Gaeta who thinks that your bf's contact with his ex is infrequent. Yet in your opening post and in many others, you said: "My boyfriends ex girlfriend is constantly texting him."

 

 

 

So, which is it? Are they constantly texting or are they not?

 

 

I wish he'd be clear with her about the kind of relationship he has with me. Perhaps he has already done so, I don't know. I haven't asked, because I am scared to bring up the subject of his ex, but at the same time it is important to me to find out. I don't know how I will bring it up, but I have to in some sort of way this week.

 

 

Please don't be scared to have conversations like this. You've been together for a year, you should be able to talk to him about this. Just open the conversation in a pleasant and non-accusatory way. Some good suggestions from relationship counselors are to use the template, "I feel XYZ when you do ABC, and I was hoping that we could DFE."

[heavenonearth]

Well OP you have told us a lot more about your life with this guy and your plans too. You two have kids from other past relationships if he had kids with the ex-gf then he's going to keep in contact with her for the kids sake. Same with you with your ex-bf kids daddy. Can't take the away from the kids. Living together or not that's up too you both. Getting married again well a lot of us don't do that. I feel like you but I could always change my mind. The woman I met from work not perfect she never married, she wants to get married to me I have put that off until I see some improvement in her. We did have huge fight where I got very upset. I am not the type to get upset so this one was really bad. Had me standing out in the rain. Anyway that resulted with a lot of name calling and things that shouldn't come out. But in the end she saying the magical words of love. Still got a long way to go but it might just work out the way it should. You know what you want now you know what else to do we all here have express a lot on you. I never said he was cheating on you I doubt it he was. But you filled in some more blanks to now see he's not. If they have kids together you can't stop him from texting her though.

 

I think I expressed multiple time now that neither of us have children.

 

That being said, there is a difference between not wanting to get married to someone because you don't think you want to get married to that particualr person, compared to not wanting to get married because you don't believe in the social construct of marriage.

[heavenonearth]

 

I guess it's hard to offer you any advice because clearly this behaviour of his bothers you, yet you side with the posters who seem to think that it shouldn't bother you. For instance, you seem to agree with Gaeta who thinks that your bf's contact with his ex is infrequent. Yet in your opening post and in many others, you said: "My boyfriends ex girlfriend is constantly texting him."

 

 

So, which is it? Are they constantly texting or are they not?

 

 

 

I really do not know the amount of texting or calling between them.

I just know that has gotten texts from her every time we are together, and I only see him once per week. This led me to believe that the same thing is probably going on on days that we are not together. When I asked him "when did you last talk to her" he said "a few days ago", so it seems the contact has become more frequent and it has irked me, because it used to not be so frequent.

[Gaeta]

No but I noticed the contact increase as things have gotten worse for her in the past weeks.

A while ago they only talked every three weeks or so, it now seems to be a few days per week, or more (what do I know, I can't look in his whatsapp). This is just my observation based on how often i see him receiving texts from her, and based on what he tells me.

 

 

Part of my opinion is based on this information. When Heaven asked him when was the last time he heard from her he said a few days ago = She does not text on daily basis.

[Els]

I just know that has gotten texts from her every time we are together, and I only see him once per week. This led me to believe that the same thing is probably going on on days that we are not together. When I asked him "when did you last talk to her" he said "a few days ago", so it seems the contact has become more frequent and it has irked me, because it used to not be so frequent.

 

 

Ah, okay. IMO, this is still excessively frequent, and you are well within your rights to express that you are upset with this. However, it's entirely up to you.

[JuneL]

I still don’t see how your getting “involved” is going to solve the issue. Okay, assuming he’s already told the ex your name and told her about your amazing relationship (so you’ve claimed your territory), then what? Are you going to create a whatsapp group for the 3 of you and allow them to communicate through the group only? If not, I can’t see why they won’t keep contacting constantly.

 

Gaeta’s example with her ex-hubby was different. In her case, it was the ex-wife (Gaeta) who took the initiative to include the new gf/wife. But in your case, it might well be that the ex (and perhaps your bf) doesn’t want to include you in their contacts. It can also be that the ex doesn’t feel comfortable sharing personal stuff with you, as you’re just a stranger or a casual friend to her.

[No_Go]

People need to understand that Heaven is from a different continent and relationships are conducted a bit differently than the in the US.

 

I hope people read THIS^^^

 

Guys the guy is Dutch. People there will LAUGH to relationship timeline talk blah blah blah that people propose here in LS. It's just not how relationships work there. I lived there 6 years. It is NOT uncommon people to date for 5+ years before bringing up moving in and marriage is virtually dying there (they have 'registered partnership' which is about the same though, but can be easily dissolved if there are no kids born in the partnership). MANY people date someone in a different city like Heaven. And friendships with the opposite sex are not condemned. In this context hope the contact with the ex makes more sense.

[JuneL]

I hope people read THIS^^^

 

Guys the guy is Dutch. People there will LAUGH to relationship timeline talk blah blah blah that people propose here in LS. It's just not how relationships work there. I lived there 6 years. It is NOT uncommon people to date for 5+ years before bringing up moving in and marriage is virtually dying there (they have 'registered partnership' which is about the same though, but can be easily dissolved if there are no kids born in the partnership). MANY people date someone in a different city like Heaven. And friendships with the opposite sex are not condemned. In this context hope the contact with the ex makes more sense.

 

But you can’t have it both ways: I believe you and the OP suggested the ex might use it as a way to get him back (which I think was a crazy suggestion). Okay, considering the culture, the OP has nothing to be annoyed about?

[coolheadal]

I think I expressed multiple time now that neither of us have children.

 

That being said, there is a difference between not wanting to get married to someone because you don't think you want to get married to that particualr person, compared to not wanting to get married because you don't believe in the social construct of marriage.

 

Oh I thought you said you both had kids? So you were saying you both would like to have kids then? Then he shouldn't be receiving text messages from his ex-gf. He's with you then. As for Marriage I was married once, that's how I came to LS back 2011. I was raised to believe in marriage but the woman I was with she had other ideas. If I want too and with the one I with now, who wants to marry me I would consider it has I do want kids too. This is me you can do whatever you want your choice.

[Els]

I hope people read THIS^^^

 

Guys the guy is Dutch. People there will LAUGH to relationship timeline talk blah blah blah that people propose here in LS. It's just not how relationships work there. I lived there 6 years. It is NOT uncommon people to date for 5+ years before bringing up moving in and marriage is virtually dying there (they have 'registered partnership' which is about the same though, but can be easily dissolved if there are no kids born in the partnership). MANY people date someone in a different city like Heaven. And friendships with the opposite sex are not condemned. In this context hope the contact with the ex makes more sense.

 

 

FTR, this wasn't why I brought it up. I completely disagree with arbitrary "timelines", and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that! I brought it up because it struck me as another incompatibility here - she says she would like to live together in the near future, he says he doesn't. She made a whole thread about it...

 

 

Most of us aren't just making up things about this guy. Much of this is based on posts the OP herself has made.

[heavenonearth]

FTR, this wasn't why I brought it up. I completely disagree with arbitrary "timelines", and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that! I brought it up because it struck me as another incompatibility here - she says she would like to live together in the near future, he says he doesn't. She made a whole thread about it...

 

Most of us aren't just making up things about this guy. Much of this is based on posts the OP herself has made.

 

 

I do not think that the ideals we have for our future together are incompatible.

[No_Go]

But you can’t have it both ways: I believe you and the OP suggested the ex might use it as a way to get him back (which I think was a crazy suggestion). Okay, considering the culture, the OP has nothing to be annoyed about?

 

For the culture, I was mainly commenting because people were pointing OP's BF not including her in his life enough, and suggesting to put 'boundaries' with the ex. I don't think this will fly well over there - OP would likely get the 'controlling GF' tag and things will go haywire.

 

I did say the ex might attempt luring OP's BF back, however so far HIS behavior doesn't suggest inappropriate (you know when an ex/orbiter/friend tries to convince you it usually goes the opposite direction ). It's annoying but benign I think, if she acts composed and stay involved (stay involved to have complete visibility for her peace of mind)

[heavenonearth]

Oh I thought you said you both had kids? So you were saying you both would like to have kids then? Then he shouldn't be receiving text messages from his ex-gf. He's with you then. As for Marriage I was married once, that's how I came to LS back 2011. I was raised to believe in marriage but the woman I was with she had other ideas. If I want too and with the one I with now, who wants to marry me I would consider it has I do want kids too. This is me you can do whatever you want your choice.

 

No I did not say that anywhere. I am childfree, thankfully.

[No_Go]

FTR, this wasn't why I brought it up. I completely disagree with arbitrary "timelines", and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that! I brought it up because it struck me as another incompatibility here - she says she would like to live together in the near future, he says he doesn't. She made a whole thread about it...

 

 

Most of us aren't just making up things about this guy. Much of this is based on posts the OP herself has made.

 

Well the thing is OP is generally anxious and her threads reflect that. IMO it's more expression of that then a 'real' problem - for moving in she said somewhere there is no rush in the next couple of years from her end (that still is 'near future' sort of ) . Same with the ex - she is annoyed but on the other end she said herself the BF is not responding immediately, never meeting the ex in person etc.

[heavenonearth]

For the culture, I was mainly commenting because people were pointing OP's BF not including her in his life enough, and suggesting to put 'boundaries' with the ex. I don't think this will fly well over there - OP would likely get the 'controlling GF' tag and things will go haywire.

 

I did say the ex might attempt luring OP's BF back, however so far HIS behavior doesn't suggest inappropriate (you know when an ex/orbiter/friend tries to convince you it usually goes the opposite direction ). It's annoying but benign I think, if she acts composed and stay involved (stay involved to have complete visibility for her peace of mind)

 

This is where we have arrived in this thread, and that's where I would like to go and get more insight. How will I be more involved?

It's tough.

[No_Go]

This is where we have arrived in this thread, and that's where I would like to go and get more insight. How will I be more involved?

It's tough.

 

Doesn't need to be - just ask him questions about her situation, share what you think, give advice if you have any... If this topic is on your mind, ask him for updates.

 

No need to force anything just let it flow naturally. You'd get involved that way.

[Lorenza]

OMG, your taking this too far. Young love let them be. Can't compare to older lovers. Having your ex love contact you via texting just to be a crying shoulder and your are in a serious relationship with someone else. Come on who's kidding who. No one controlling anyone. She has a valid point, she needs to know what's going on in his head to consider opening up communication with his ex gf. Nothing but trouble going now that path he's doing.

 

LOL, I believe the OP is older than me.

[Lorenza]

This is where we have arrived in this thread, and that's where I would like to go and get more insight. How will I be more involved?

It's tough.

 

Not to be a downer here, but have you thought about the possibility that...well, that this is it? Are you in Netherlands? If it's dating culture is anything like here in Sweden, this amount of involvement might be it for now. Here where I am, many couples don't get past "meeting up on weekends and having completely separate lives on weekdays" for a few years. That's how dating works here. But I really hope I'm wrong and I'm not claiming anything or saying that it will happen to you

[JuneL]

Not to be a downer here, but have you thought about the possibility that...well, that this is it? Are you in Netherlands? If it's dating culture is anything like here in Sweden, this amount of involvement might be it for now. Here where I am, many couples don't get past "meeting up on weekends and having completely separate lives on weekdays" for a few years. That's how dating works here. But I really hope I'm wrong and I'm not claiming anything or saying that it will happen to you

 

That’s why I thought it’s on the bf to set boundaries. The ex might get the impression that OP is just an weekend gf vs. the ex had lived with him for many years.