I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[Els]

It's unfortunate.

 

 

The conversation was great at first, he was super understanding, open and affectionate and reassuring when I asked him about the last contact he had with his ex, and what it was about. He elaborated a lot.

 

 

<SNIP>

 

 

Sorry to hear that. There are a few things that stand out at me here:

 

- I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask to be informed before your partner goes to meet an ex-girlfriend in person. I don't know about the norm where you live, but in all my relationships it's pretty much something we do naturally. Even if I'm going out with a platonic male friend (NOT an ex) 1 on 1, I run it by the SO, and he does the same with me. So I think his response to that request was unreasonable. However, you have defended his lack of boundaries throughout this entire thread, so I'm not going to talk about this further.

 

- I'm glad you are getting help for your anxiety. It does seem to control you and consume you, so seeking help for it is absolutely the right thing to do for yourself, regardless of what happens with your relationship.

 

It's so easy for everyone to say "just go get a therapist" -- I feel most people do not realize how much of an effort it is to finally be able to start treatment.

I do, and I did.

Edited June 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneL]

My cousin is now happily married with 2 adorable kids. He used to have a gf who would start crying whenever they’re trying to resolve conflicts, and it got old after a while. I was merely trying to let you see things from the other side.

[2much4]

The reason OP is defending her boyfriend is because most people in the Netherlands would consider having to run a one on one meeting with the opposite sex by your significant other as borderline psycho. Most people there will laugh in your face for suggesting something like that or drop you like a hot potato.

 

I know you are doing your best, keep it up!

 

You mentionned in your last post you don't feel supported. Are there other ways you felt he let you down? Like he just doesn't get it? I think this might be the bigger issue than the ex. My ex used to meet up with his ex, and I felt the exact same way you did, even though she was no threat. The problem basically boiled down to the fact that I didnt feel understood in other areas of the relationship. Even though I didnt want to accept it at the time my obsession with the ex was a symptom of other problems in the relationship. Don't invalidate your feelings just because you have anxiety!

[Els]

The reason OP is defending her boyfriend is because most people in the Netherlands would consider having to run a one on one meeting with the opposite sex by your significant other as borderline psycho. Most people there will laugh in your face for suggesting something like that or drop you like a hot potato.

 

 

Is the OP Dutch as well, though, and do they actually live in the Netherlands? Either way, things like that should be a compromise where both people try to meet in the middle, not one partner saying it's their way or the highway and accusing anyone who disagrees as "borderline psycho" (not saying he did that, just your words). If compromise is impossible, then perhaps the two people are too incompatible.

 

 

This entire thread does reinforce to me how different cultures are, though. In mine, this would be a no-brainer, everyone would tell her to leave, lol. My response was actually on the "liberal" side!

[heavenonearth]

The reason OP is defending her boyfriend is because most people in the Netherlands would consider having to run a one on one meeting with the opposite sex by your significant other as borderline psycho. Most people there will laugh in your face for suggesting something like that or drop you like a hot potato.

 

I know you are doing your best, keep it up!

 

You mentionned in your last post you don't feel supported. Are there other ways you felt he let you down? Like he just doesn't get it? I think this might be the bigger issue than the ex. My ex used to meet up with his ex, and I felt the exact same way you did, even though she was no threat. The problem basically boiled down to the fact that I didnt feel understood in other areas of the relationship. Even though I didnt want to accept it at the time my obsession with the ex was a symptom of other problems in the relationship. Don't invalidate your feelings just because you have anxiety!

 

 

You may be on to something.

But yes, I do not feel supported enough with my anxiety.

I feel he is in denial of my anxiety, he sees it merely as me being 'anxious', as in, this is something many people feel often.

He doesn't see that it is deeply rooted in me, and that it takes a lot of work for me to work through it, and he doesn't see how debilitating it is.

 

I don't see it as a reason for break up, but I also don't know how to make him understand. Because all I can do is share with him how I feel..

[heavenonearth]

Is the OP Dutch as well, though, and do they actually live in the Netherlands? Either way, things like that should be a compromise where both people try to meet in the middle, not one partner saying it's their way or the highway and accusing anyone who disagrees as "borderline psycho" (not saying he did that, just your words). If compromise is impossible, then perhaps the two people are too incompatible.

 

 

This entire thread does reinforce to me how different cultures are, though. In mine, this would be a no-brainer, everyone would tell her to leave, lol. My response was actually on the "liberal" side!

 

I am not Dutch, I am German. Although I think dating culture in Germany is more traditional than in NL.

And yes we live in NL.

 

I don't think we are incompatible, we are so compatible on so many levels.

 

As I said, it boils down to him thinking I don't trust him, and me feeling misunderstood with my anxiety.

 

I don't know how to battle this from hereon.

[heavenonearth]

My cousin is now happily married with 2 adorable kids. He used to have a gf who would start crying whenever they’re trying to resolve conflicts, and it got old after a while. I was merely trying to let you see things from the other side.

 

If he's going to leave me, it won't be because I cry too much.

 

 

 

That being said, I am off for a bike ride.

Need to self therapize.

[2much4]

If compromise is impossible, then perhaps the two people are too incompatible.

 

I agree! If she does decide to stay though this is something she will have to live with.

[Gaeta]

I am not Dutch, I am German. Although I think dating culture in Germany is more traditional than in NL.

And yes we live in NL.

 

I don't think we are incompatible, we are so compatible on so many levels.

 

As I said, it boils down to him thinking I don't trust him, and me feeling misunderstood with my anxiety.

 

I don't know how to battle this from hereon.

 

I am seeing 2 problems.

 

* cultural differences

As you know my bf is from France and he would react exactly like your boyfriend at a similar request. There is no way I'd convince him to let me know when he speaks to his exs or what is the nature of their conversations. I'd be labelled as controlling and he'd drop me like and old baguette from yesterday. I had to adjust to that during our 1st year of dating. What helped adjust is that he has always given me his 100% so I trust him with my eyes closed. I believe you and your bf are facing some of those same cultural differences. The key is in 'accepting' your differences.

 

* his lack of education toward mental illness.

Your boyfriend needs to educate himself better on anxiety disorder. Is it possible to get him a good book on the subject? Like he suggested it would be good that he accompany you to one of your therapy so the therapist can explain to him how your brain functions and how to properly communicate with you in a moment of crisis or simple misunderstanding. On your end you have to understand that your boyfriend isn't equipped to deal with your anxiety, he may grow to understand part of it but you cannot look toward him for reassurance and validation.

 

You said this past week you did so good with your anxiety and you were disappointed he didn't take notice: Don't look up to him for this kind of encouragement, you need a support group to share, rejoice or lean on when it comes to your anxiety. When I did a good week dieting and lost 2-lbs I call my mom because she is a life-time dieter and she understands how much work it was to lose 2-lbs. I don't expect my bf to notice or understand the nature of my efforts as he never had to diet a day out of his whole life.

 

 

.

[Happy Lemming]

He texted me later on when he arrived, and he said he had to stop the car because he was crying. . .

 

Something doesn't sit well with me, why would he have to stop the car on his way home to cry...

 

Maybe I'm just an older grizzled curmudgeon, but I don't see the average male crying over an argument like this.

 

Could he be crying because he knows he has to make a choice between "Heaven" and the ex-girlfriend. That this situation is coming to a head and he wants both women in his life?? Is he crying at the thought of discontinuing communication with the ex??

 

I'm not buying he was crying because he made "Heaven" cry... Every time my girlfriend cries at my house, I tell her there is a box of tissues on the cocktail table and I go out for a beer. I don't go out to my car and cry.

[JuneL]

He’s crying because the OP didn’t trust him. That’s his excuse, apparently.

 

Something doesn't sit well with me, why would he have to stop the car on his way home to cry...

 

Maybe I'm just an older grizzled curmudgeon, but I don't see the average male crying over an argument like this.

 

Could he be crying because he knows he has to make a choice between "Heaven" and the ex-girlfriend. That this situation is coming to a head and he wants both women in his life?? Is he crying at the thought of discontinuing communication with the ex??

 

I'm not buying he was crying because he made "Heaven" cry... Every time my girlfriend cries at my house, I tell her there is a box of tissues on the cocktail table and I go out for a beer. I don't go out to my car and cry.

[Happy Lemming]

He’s crying because the OP didn’t trust him. That’s his excuse, apparently.

 

I dunno... just doesn't "hold water" for me. Do you really believe that?? Or do you think its something else?? Or do you think he is making up the crying part to elicit sympathy from "Heaven"??

 

"There is something rotten in the State of Denmark" - William Shakespeare

Edited June 29, 2018 by Happy Lemming
spacing

[Gaeta]

I dunno... just doesn't "hold water" for me. Do you really believe that?? Or do you think its something else?? Or do you think he is making up the crying part to elicit sympathy from "Heaven"??

 

"There is something rotten in the State of Denmark" - William Shakespeare

 

 

You are just unfamiliar with this part of the world. Yes I believe it. He may not have been crying like a girl but he was sad, had a lump in this throat maybe some wet eyes. See, men from that part of the world have no problem showing their feelings, they are known as the anti-macho. They believe in complete equality and view women first as human being and less as 'females' that needs to be protected.

[preraph]

Well, now you know he won't even consider giving up or putting on hold his relationship with his ex. He got mad because he was hoping what he had was a nice mild-mannered girlfriend wearing blinders who will let him do what 90 percent of other women would not put up with. You can read it that it's all about your anxiety if you want and yes, you have anxiety, but this issue would blow up ANY relationship, anxiety or not. He knows this. He's gaslighting you into it being YOUR fault that he can't have both you and his ex. Anyone would be a fool to trust him after that. Seems like a small thing to me, him telling you when he's seeing her and what for. Personally, I think he should take you with him each and every time. If you really want to see what he's made of, invite her to dinner behind his back. He'll blow his top because he doesn't want either of you talking to the other.

[heavenonearth]

I am seeing 2 problems.

 

* cultural differences

As you know my bf is from France and he would react exactly like your boyfriend at a similar request. There is no way I'd convince him to let me know when he speaks to his exs or what is the nature of their conversations. I'd be labelled as controlling and he'd drop me like and old baguette from yesterday. I had to adjust to that during our 1st year of dating. What helped adjust is that he has always given me his 100% so I trust him with my eyes closed. I believe you and your bf are facing some of those same cultural differences. The key is in 'accepting' your differences.

 

* his lack of education toward mental illness.

Your boyfriend needs to educate himself better on anxiety disorder. Is it possible to get him a good book on the subject? Like he suggested it would be good that he accompany you to one of your therapy so the therapist can explain to him how your brain functions and how to properly communicate with you in a moment of crisis or simple misunderstanding. On your end you have to understand that your boyfriend isn't equipped to deal with your anxiety, he may grow to understand part of it but you cannot look toward him for reassurance and validation.

 

You said this past week you did so good with your anxiety and you were disappointed he didn't take notice: Don't look up to him for this kind of encouragement, you need a support group to share, rejoice or lean on when it comes to your anxiety. When I did a good week dieting and lost 2-lbs I call my mom because she is a life-time dieter and she understands how much work it was to lose 2-lbs. I don't expect my bf to notice or understand the nature of my efforts as he never had to diet a day out of his whole life.

 

 

.

 

 

Thank you for your response. It really helps to get your perspective and tips.

 

I agree I probably need to just accept his standard on this and move on and not doubt him. Maybe with going back to therapy it will be easier for me to do so.

[heavenonearth]

Something doesn't sit well with me, why would he have to stop the car on his way home to cry...

 

Maybe I'm just an older grizzled curmudgeon, but I don't see the average male crying over an argument like this.

 

Could he be crying because he knows he has to make a choice between "Heaven" and the ex-girlfriend. That this situation is coming to a head and he wants both women in his life?? Is he crying at the thought of discontinuing communication with the ex??

 

I'm not buying he was crying because he made "Heaven" cry... Every time my girlfriend cries at my house, I tell her there is a box of tissues on the cocktail table and I go out for a beer. I don't go out to my car and cry.

 

 

He's cried before also in front of me, he is an emotional man.

[BaileyB]

I agree I probably need to just accept his standard on this and move on and not doubt him. Maybe with going back to therapy it will be easier for me to do so.

 

It’s the wisdom of the serenity prayer, “Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

 

I think when you are ready and assuming he is willing, there is a lot to be gained if he was to attend a counselling session with you.

 

Although I do not think he is being particulalry considerate of your feelings... he has made it clear that he plans to continue to be in contact with this woman... which means, if you want to stay together you need to find a way to accept it and get on board. A good therapist will help you to do this and may actually help you both to reach a compromise and come together.

[heavenonearth]

It’s the wisdom of the serenity prayer, “Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

 

I think when you are ready and assuming he is willing, there is a lot to be gained if he was to attend a counselling session with you.

 

Although I do not think he is being particulalry considerate of your feelings... he has made it clear that he plans to continue to be in contact with this woman... which means, if you want to stay together you need to find a way to accept it and get on board. A good therapist will help you to do this and may actually help you both to reach a compromise and come together.

 

I would love for him to join. But first i need to start with it on my own.

I will also try to pull back a bit in general. Part of me feels i am too involved in my relationship.i think it has to do with the fact that my support system in this city is lacking substance.

 

I am going to focus on some self improvement and new projects.

 

Thanks for your advice.

[heavenonearth]

We had our phone call and it was a unpleasant . He went on this huge monologue of how he feels and then i was so intimidated to get a word in. He asked me how i feel and i told him straight up that i feel it doesn’t matter what i say, i can’t do it right. Of course that didn’t sit right with him.

 

Eventually we were able to call a truce but i am not happy with the way he handled this conflict at all.

 

I don’t know him like this. I feel so misunderstood.

 

I need to take a step back from all this.

He wants to come over tomorrow and have a nice rest of the weekend.

I don’t even know if i want that right now.

 

I biked 50 km today. Felt really good. Got a sunburn too.

 

Anyway, as i said above, i will pull back a bit. Try to be less involved with my relationship and to rely less on him and more on myself. I need to learn how to reassure myself. If it wasn’t for my anxiety, we would never have conflicts.

Nevertheless it is something i cannot Control, but we both should be able to control how we deal once conflict arises. It seems there is issues in the way we do that from time to time.

 

I see us both at fault but definitely him a bit more. He gets indeed passive aggressive and very nit picky about every word i say.

It’s frustrating to argue with him sometimes. I can’t say anything right.

 

Decided i won’t say anything at all from now on.

 

( as you can see i moved on from the sadness and feeling guilty stage to the anger and feeling indifferent stage).

 

The thing is, i know we will have an amazing time tomorrow.

But this left a sour taste in my mouth indeed.

[Happy Lemming]

So at what point, does your boyfriend think its appropriate to stop communicating with his ex-girlfriend??

 

(1) When the two of your move in together??

(2) When you two get married??

(3) When you have your first child together??

(4) When the two of you are old and retire to the countryside of some little town??

[JuneL]

So at what point, does your boyfriend think its appropriate to stop communicating *closely* with his ex-girlfriend??

 

(1) When the two of your move in together??

(2) When you two get married??

(3) When you have your first child together??

(4) When the two of you are old and retire to the countryside of some little town??

 

None of the above, apparently.

[No_Go]

Ugh he’s quite passive aggressive isn’t he?

 

Did his last relationship end because of trust/control issues? Maybe that’s why he acts that way but it’s still annoying and not justified.

 

You’re worked up too, so better indeed leave this topic for a later time.

 

With my ex once we spiraled into clarifying how to solve conflicts and getting into more conflicts around it everything went downhill. So I’m never getting into this pattern again and fingers crossed it works wonders - zero conflicts up to date with my BF, granted it’s only 6-7 months but for someone conflict-prone like me it’s amazing. But it’s maybe also a matter of compatibility because in my current relationship we have very similar values/ideas and with my ex we just were misaligned on so many topics it was easy to go into the cycle argument/discuss the argument and start a new one...

 

Bottom line: back off a bit. IMO at the moment no action is the best action.

 

We had our phone call and it was a unpleasant . He went on this huge monologue of how he feels and then i was so intimidated to get a word in. He asked me how i feel and i told him straight up that i feel it doesn’t matter what i say, i can’t do it right. Of course that didn’t sit right with him.

 

Eventually we were able to call a truce but i am not happy with the way he handled this conflict at all.

 

I don’t know him like this. I feel so misunderstood.

 

I need to take a step back from all this.

He wants to come over tomorrow and have a nice rest of the weekend.

I don’t even know if i want that right now.

 

I biked 50 km today. Felt really good. Got a sunburn too.

 

Anyway, as i said above, i will pull back a bit. Try to be less involved with my relationship and to rely less on him and more on myself. I need to learn how to reassure myself. If it wasn’t for my anxiety, we would never have conflicts.

Nevertheless it is something i cannot Control, but we both should be able to control how we deal once conflict arises. It seems there is issues in the way we do that from time to time.

 

I see us both at fault but definitely him a bit more. He gets indeed passive aggressive and very nit picky about every word i say.

It’s frustrating to argue with him sometimes. I can’t say anything right.

 

Decided i won’t say anything at all from now on.

 

( as you can see i moved on from the sadness and feeling guilty stage to the anger and feeling indifferent stage).

 

The thing is, i know we will have an amazing time tomorrow.

But this left a sour taste in my mouth indeed.

[BaileyB]

I need to take a step back from all this.

I will pull back a bit. Try to be less involved with my relationship and to rely less on him and more on myself. I need to learn how to reassure myself. If it wasn’t for my anxiety, we would never have conflicts.

 

That's not true. You would still have conflicts if you didn't have anxiety. All couples have conflicts and learning how to resolve a conflict is a very important part of every new relationship.

 

I think it's a good plan to take a step back. You definitely do need to learn to reassure yourself - everyone is responsible for their own mental health and wellbeing. A relationship will not be successful if one partner puts the burden of constant reassurance to maintain their own mental health on the other person. The other person will feel overwhelmed and they will walk away...

 

As was discussed in your previous discussion about the return from the trip - there was much talk about managing your expectations and not appearing to be overly needy/demanding of your partner. This relates to the need to constantly provide reassurance for your anxiety... I would suggest that you take some time for yourself, get your bearings again, go see your new counsellor, and really think about some of these things that are important in developing self reliance, resilience, and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship.

 

I wish you well Heaven. Give him time, hopefully you will come back together and sort this stuff out.

Edited June 30, 2018 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

We had our phone call and it was a unpleasant . He went on this huge monologue of how he feels and then i was so intimidated to get a word in. .

I don't like this one bit. I wonder if he would have this demeanor with a woman his own age. In this update and your previous one I find he has a paternal attitude toward you when you have issues.

 

He asked me how i feel and i told him straight up that i feel it doesn’t matter what i say, i can’t do it right. Of course that didn’t sit right with him.

I wonder why he was asking you how you felt if he was not interested in hearing the truth. He asked simply because he wanted to hear you say you're ok and move on to something else.

 

I don’t know him like this. I feel so misunderstood.

You're getting to know the real him. Multiply this by 10 and that's probably what his ex had to deal with. There is always a back side to a story. You are getting to know him for real now. You're dated a year and only starting to scratch the surface of who he is and how he handles conflicts.

 

He wants to come over tomorrow and have a nice rest of the weekend.

and about how you feel? he just wants you to dismiss how you feel and go back to being sweet.

 

 

.

[BaileyB]

I agree with you Gaeta.

 

The age difference and the role of anxiety (need for reassurance) lend this man to assume a paternalistic role in the relationship. It's not good Heaven that you feel you don't have a voice in this relationship. It's not good that he is attempting to minimize and dismiss your feelings and your concerns.

 

I too feel like we are starting to understand why this man is in his late thirties, never married with no children. We are getting a glimpse that respect, compromise, communication, and conflict resolution may be significant issues for this guy... as evidenced in this disagreement and with the lack of consideration he has shown for your feelings related to his ex-girlfriend.

 

Im sure that he has his redeeming qualities too, but these are all things to discuss with your counsellor. Not the least of which, how to find your own voice in this relationship.