I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

June 25, 2018

The fact that he's aware you're annoyed but isn't doing anything about it is very telling. I love my girlfriend with all my heart and soul - she is my future wife - and if an ex girlfriend of mine was in constant contact with me to the extent that it was bothering her, the ex would be promptly cut off. Do you understand what I'm saying here?

Agree! OP, your discomfort with this is not over the top. You seem to be unsure of whether or not you should even be feeling this way, but in my opinion, it's quite justified.

June 26, 2018

Agree! OP, your discomfort with this is not over the top. You seem to be unsure of whether or not you should even be feeling this way, but in my opinion, it's quite justified.

I agree. It's normal to be feeling how you do. They're exes for a reason, and your bf needs to cut her off.

June 26, 2018

I do think the ex wants Heavens bf back - she spent Fifteen years of de facto marriage with him , her entire adult life and best years of being attractive and fertile. Now she’s in downhill slope and it’s just too normal for her to reach out and probably have hopes.

Heavens BF has done nothing wrong though besides being an empathetic human being. Nothing from what she wrote suggested they are hanging out one on one or anything inappropriate.

Having said that - it’s very easy to slip into fwb with an ex, I’m guilty of this after every break up I have had. However - if he wanted this to happen he would have probably done it already, and for sure he won’t be so open with Heaven when his ex is texting.

It’s an annoying situation but one they need to go through together as a team instead of running away from it or in case of open opposition - getting it into something secretive ...

Edited June 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic commentary ~T

June 26, 2018

I think that when you are insecure in general and have those issues, it's hard to distinguish when it's just your insecurity and when there is actually a problem. In this thread, his interaction with the ex is problematic.

Strategically, from my observation and experiences, your best bet is to ignore it, pretend to be fine with it and see what he does. This will also let him be more transparent so it will be easier to see if something really dodgy starts to happen.

June 26, 2018

he told her about me back in November, he simply said he is seeing someone now and that's it, he didn't say "Oh and her name is Heaven and she does that and this and bla and bla". I guess he thought at the time there is no need in parading in front of her his new happy relationship.

That's fair enough. But now things have moved on. No big announcement or introduction is required! It's quite normal to mention your partner in normal conversation with a friend. I use my partner's name all the time when I talk to my friends. Just "XXX and I are going to Spain next month" or "XXX doesn't like figs" or whatever. I would have to go to quite extreme lengths to avoid using her name. After so long he should certainly be able to use your name without her breaking up.

He also should ration his time talking to her. He should be able to tell her "I can't talk now, I am having dinner with Heaven". Or in fact he can just ignore her texts until the next day and in the morning tell her he didn't reply because he was spending the evening with you. He is not a 24/7 on-call therapist! If he's having quality time with you then he should be having quality time with YOU.

June 26, 2018

That's fair enough. But now things have moved on. No big announcement or introduction is required! It's quite normal to mention your partner in normal conversation with a friend. I use my partner's name all the time when I talk to my friends. Just "XXX and I are going to Spain next month" or "XXX doesn't like figs" or whatever. I would have to go to quite extreme lengths to avoid using her name. After so long he should certainly be able to use your name without her breaking up.

He also should ration his time talking to her. He should be able to tell her "I can't talk now, I am having dinner with Heaven". Or in fact he can just ignore her texts until the next day and in the morning tell her he didn't reply because he was spending the evening with you. He is not a 24/7 on-call therapist! If he's having quality time with you then he should be having quality time with YOU.

Just a heads up: he does not reply to her texts when they are incoming during our quality time.

I also don’t know how much he is telling her about his life currently. To what extent their conversations go, i don’t know... if they are merely about her stuff or if they are going back and forth about both their lives. I am not sure to what extent he has mentioned me.

June 26, 2018

I had an illness that was one that puts potential dates off (cured now)

The charity that advocated for such patients as me also had a dating service, a network, so that we were not isolated.

I think the girl has options that she may not be aware of yet

June 26, 2018

I think Heaven is handling unsolicited criticism brilliantly, but it’s just hilarious how people equate asking anxious questions to instability in a relationship. Of course over the course of an Year there will be some anxiety here and there and that’s what venting in forums or IRL is for. What else to do - start threads to ‘rave’ about her BF - well, that is called bragging and speaks volumes about issues with the self esteem of the bragging one.

I do think the ex wants Heavens bf back - she spent Fifteen years of de facto marriage with him , her entire adult life and best years of being attractive and fertile. Now she’s in downhill slope and it’sjust too normal for her to reach out and probably have hopes.

Heavens BF has done nothing wrong though besides being an empathetic human being. Nothing from what she wrote suggested they are hanging out one on one or anything inappropriate.

Having said that - it’s very easy to slip into fwb with an ex, I’m guilty of this after every break up I have had. However - if he wanted this to happen he would have probably done it already, and for sure he won’t be so open with Heaven when his ex is texting.

It’s an annoying situation but one they need to go through together as a team instead of running away from it or in case of open opposition - getting it into something secretive ...

I don’t worry about him cheating or even sleeping with his ex. It’s really far fetched. He didn’t cheat on this woman in 15 years, and he may be the most loyal person on this planet... even though they didn’t really have sex anymore in their last few years of the relationship.

Our sex life however is quite amazing and he keeps telling me how this is the best sex he ever had in his life, by far. I am his dream woman through and through, he is a 39 year old man who knows what he wants, and he would never drive down to see his ex and then end up screwing her. That’s like almost grotesque to think about. She’s no competition in that sense. Even the last time he saw her, in november, they did meet in a public cafe and she had brought her sister to the meeting because she didn’t want to go be alone with him.

Even if she wants him back, he’d never betray me. I trust him in that regard.

June 26, 2018

I don't know what she WOULD do to get him back, assuming if she wanted to... wouldn't she have tried already more over the past 1,5 years?

I think with her, there is a "disturbance in the force" and she can sense his attention is occupied and not with her anymore (or someone has seen you two and told her) and she's seeking to fix that, given the information you shared here.

Don't underestimate her cleverness.

June 26, 2018

Agree! OP, your discomfort with this is not over the top. You seem to be unsure of whether or not you should even be feeling this way, but in my opinion, it's quite justified.

^^^co-sign

June 26, 2018

I think with her, there is a "disturbance in the force" and she can sense his attention is occupied and not with her anymore (or someone has seen you two and told her) and she's seeking to fix that, given the information you shared here.

Don't underestimate her cleverness.

The boyfriend said he just hopes she finds someone soon.

I agree.

She needs some new man in her life. Otherwise she keeps going to MY man for her needs. Not ok.

June 26, 2018

The boyfriend said he just hopes she finds someone soon.
I agree.
She needs some new man in her life. Otherwise she keeps going to MY man for her needs. Not ok.

He needs to let her know it's not ok and put some serious distance between him and her or cut her off completely. It's not good for your relationship.

June 26, 2018

So far we know that (and correct me if I got that wrong):

- The boyfriend hasn't seen her in many months

- The last time they were intimate was a couple of years ago

- He doesn't respond to her while you two are spending time together

- He wishes she found a new guy asap and has no leftover feelings for her.

So the only problem here is your jealousy, OP. Nothing inappropriate is going on. Right now he pities her, but that will probably get old soon anyway. You have the right to feel how you feel and something tells me there's more to it. It's not your first thread about your boyfriend.

June 26, 2018

Agree with Lorenza. Op's partner seems nothing more than just a compassionate human being, and that's no crime.

He already has boundaries here, in that he hasn't seen her in months, hasn't slept with her for years, he doesn't encroach on couple time together to respond to her, etc.

You could ask him to be slower with his replies & less responsive perhaps. Wean her off till she gives up or gets bored. But if they were together for the majority of his adult life, you can't just erase her from existence.

June 26, 2018

So far we know that (and correct me if I got that wrong):
- The boyfriend hasn't seen her in many months
- The last time they were intimate was a couple of years ago
- He doesn't respond to her while you two are spending time together
- He wishes she found a new guy asap and has no leftover feelings for her.

So the only problem here is your jealousy, OP. Nothing inappropriate is going on. Right now he pities her, but that will probably get old soon anyway. You have the right to feel how you feel and something tells me there's more to it. It's not your first thread about your boyfriend.

Yeah but her jealousy is being triggered by an ex girlfriend, who was in her boyfriend's life for a significantly longer amount of time, remaining in constant contact with him. He knows she is uncomfortable with it and therefore the onus is on him to set some appropriate boundaries for her sake and the sake of the relationship. It would take very little effort for her boyfriend to send a text saying, "I'm very sorry you're going through such a difficult time, but please respect the fact that I am in a relationship and that it's not appropriate nor fair to my current girlfriend for us to be in constant contact with each other. I truly wish you the best, but I need you to back off and give my girlfriend and I the space and respect that we deserve."

June 26, 2018

Yeah but her jealousy is being triggered by an ex girlfriend, who was in her boyfriend's life for a significantly longer amount of time, remaining in constant contact with him. He knows she is uncomfortable with it and therefore the onus is on him to set some appropriate boundaries for her sake and the sake of the relationship. It would take very little effort for her boyfriend to send a text saying, "I'm very sorry you're going through such a difficult time, but please respect the fact that I am in a relationship and that it's not appropriate nor fair to my current girlfriend for us to be in constant contact with each other. I truly wish you the best, but I need you to back off and give my girlfriend and I the space and respect that we deserve."

I don't think it's inappropriate to write to a person who's in a relationship. And it's up to him to give himself and his girlfriend the space they deserve, which he seems to be doing just fine

June 26, 2018

I don't think it's inappropriate to write to a person who's in a relationship. And it's up to him to give himself and his girlfriend the space they deserve, which he seems to be doing just fine

You're missing the point. It's about the frequency of the contact and the fact that it's making her uncomfortable.

June 26, 2018

You're missing the point. It's about the frequency of the contact and the fact that it's making her uncomfortable.

The thing is - how much of our lives do the insecurities of our partner get to control? Yes, he should decrease the contact eventually, if they're not even good friends, but right now he wants to be there for a person who was once close to him and is in a very dark place. It's just chatting, it doesn't take that much effort to respond to someone. I don't think this should cause such a distress, unless there's more to it.

June 26, 2018

There is more to it.

I want to be more involved.

This thread has helped me realize that it's not so much the contact that bothers me, but more the fact that I am not as involved as I want to be.

I want her to know who I am and that I am important to him.

He seems to be rather private with what he is sharing with her about his life right now, I suppose because he doesn't want her to be jealous of how great he is doing. But I feel like there comes a point where he needs to stop walking on eggshells just to please HER. Seems he did that already in their relationship and now he keeps doing it.

June 26, 2018

From your posts and the title of this thread, you have put all the blame on the ex. You even suggested she might be manipulative or have ulterior motives, and are blaming your boyfriend’s not showing off your amazing relationship in front of her on the ex.

But your bf has control over all this.

June 26, 2018

There is more to it.
I want to be more involved.
This thread has helped me realize that it's not so much the contact that bothers me, but more the fact that I am not as involved as I want to be.
I want her to know who I am and that I am important to him.

He seems to be rather private with what he is sharing with her about his life right now, I suppose because he doesn't want her to be jealous of how great he is doing. But I feel like there comes a point where he needs to stop walking on eggshells just to please HER. Seems he did that already in their relationship and now he keeps doing it.

Well you should be involved if your so serious about this guy. Frankly the others here have all sorts opinions. But it's as plain as your white dress what's he's doing. You and him now he doesn't need too have contact with the ex for any reason. He can do that if you and him wasn't in a relationship. But down sit down on this. Put your foot into it. You count just as well as her trying to get his attention away from you. He needs to know this is not right.

June 26, 2018

Yes, same guy and my concerns about going ice skating with his friend were not validated. I have since met this girl and she is super nice and I feel foolish for the fact that I was jealous there. If he would do the same again now, I would have no problems with it.

He genuinely does not brush off all of my concerns, we frequently resolve all sorts of crap that I don't post on here BECAUSE of our compatibility and ability to be open with each other. He tends to be a good communicator. Our communication has gotten better over the months, as we get to know each other better, and are adjusting to each other's needs. I do not feel that I am walking on eggshells at all. We literally talk about everything. I am right now trying to figure out how to bring up the stuff with his ex and her texting him all the time, and once I have formulated a clear way of communicating this to him, we will manage to figure this out, also. I am just unsure how to do that yet.

What incompatibility of future plans are you referring to?

You mentioned that he said he never wanted to live together or get married, whereas you do, right?

I mean, I genuinely am not trying to jump on you or him here. And I'm definitely not on the "cheating" bandwagon either - I don't think we have nearly enough information to make an assumption like that. I do hope you both manage to work things out, but I really think that he needs to be more considerate of some of the things he does and says, especially involving other women including his ex.

June 26, 2018

From your posts and the title of this thread, you have put all the blame on the ex. You even suggested she might be manipulative or have ulterior motives, and are blaming your boyfriend’s not showing off your amazing relationship in front of her on the ex.

But your bf has control over all this.

Others were suggesting she be manipulative, I am just taking in what people say and see what the options could be.

June 26, 2018

The thing is - how much of our lives do the insecurities of our partner get to control? Yes, he should decrease the contact eventually, if they're not even good friends, but right now he wants to be there for a person who was once close to him and is in a very dark place. It's just chatting, it doesn't take that much effort to respond to someone. I don't think this should cause such a distress, unless there's more to it.

OMG, your taking this too far. Young love let them be. Can't compare to older lovers. Having your ex love contact you via texting just to be a crying shoulder and your are in a serious relationship with someone else. Come on who's kidding who. No one controlling anyone. She has a valid point, she needs to know what's going on in his head to consider opening up communication with his ex gf. Nothing but trouble going now that path he's doing.

June 26, 2018

The thing is - how much of our lives do the insecurities of our partner get to control? Yes, he should decrease the contact eventually, if they're not even good friends, but right now he wants to be there for a person who was once close to him and is in a very dark place. It's just chatting, it doesn't take that much effort to respond to someone. I don't think this should cause such a distress, unless there's more to it.

Perhaps you and/or your partner might be okay with the other person texting an ex multiple times a day, several days a week, while at the same time never even having mentioned your name to said ex.

To many of us, that is a huge breach of boundaries. Many people don't text their ex multiple times a day, and expect the same of their partner. That is our prerogative, and frankly I think it's rather presumptive to try and tell someone that their boundaries are "wrong".

It's just a matter of what works for the individual couple. I know my SO would be upset if I was contacting an ex on such a frequent basis, and I would be similarly. We don't do these things not because of the "effort" it entails, but rather out of respect to the boundaries we have mutually established.

Whether or not the OP and her bf want to establish such boundaries is entirely up to them, but the OP is most certainly NOT wrong for wanting that!

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I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

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