Red flags all over??

[Eternal Sunshine]

I dated a guy who had only female friends. He always claimed it's 100% platonic with all of them. He spent time with them 1-1 and chatted all day long. Any time I brought it up, I was being "insecure". He was the type to post a pic on social media and then 10 different females would go straight away: Looking hot babe . This man was 42. He used to have long conversations with me how "They are not sleeping together therefore there is nothing to worry about". Except. Most of his ex girlfriends and even his ex wife were first his "platonic female friends". He was soooo convincing with begging and pleading that I stayed with him for a while. Until he left me for one of these friends.

 

Moral of the story is, these people are deeply disturbed on a level that can't be helped. They probably even beleive their own BS at the time. But they have such a deep need for ego boosts and external validation that they can't give that up. She is not going to change for you or anyone. She may seem to give in for a bit until you calm down. Soon enough, there will be another vacation. And another "male friend". Do you really want to live like this?

[kgcolonel]

Ser,

 

How are you doing....haven't heard from you and was wondering if you are doing okay.

[S2B]

The ONLY reason she wants to see you is to lie to you and manipulate you even more.

 

 

She wants you back in your place! That place where she can lie to you even more and have you stay and take more of the same crap from her.

 

There's a saying... every perpetrator needs a victim. Don't be her victim.

[act00]

sgrinaldi, you are completely delusional if you think cuddling up and sleeping in the same bed is okay, and snuggling. More power to you if your boyfriend and your guy friend's girlfriend are totally okay with him and you spending the night and y'all cuddle and spoon, but a majority of people out there will NOT tolerate their significant other cuddling and spooning in the same bed. You seem to focus on the fact that nobody is having sex; therefore, there's no cheating. Let me tell you, sweetheart, cuddling, spooning, and flirting is cheating. Spooning and cuddling in the same bed is cheating.

 

The OP's (former) girlfriend is suffering the consequences of her actions. I have said this before, many times; she's not going to change her ways or adjust her behavior until she hits consequences, and that consequence is losing a man she is genuinely interested in because he doesn't think snuggling with a "friend" is okay, and it may take more than one guy; maybe the OP is just the first or the second, but she will adjust her behavior when she realizes it is just not acceptable after she loses the third and then the fourth. Her attitude has been "take it or leave it", and the guy, the OP, has chosen to "leave it." She probably has to lose more than one guy over it before it really slams her upside the head that her behavior is unacceptable. She has to place the boundaries. This guy of hers, her best bud, will suffer the same consequences with his female suitors.

 

Anyone here on the board...a question...do you snuggle and cuddle all your platonic friends? Do you spoon?

 

She knew of the OP's unhappiness about this vacation with her guy friend she spoons with, and yet she posted a picture of the bed they would be sharing! That's pretty brazen and "in your face," and she landed herself a break up over it. For her it was, "oh well, plans didn't work out, here's the bed I'll be sleeping in with my spoon-buddy, sorry, oopsie" and for him, it was the straw that broke the camel's back..."You can have your snuggle buddy, I'm done." She pushed the limits...she suffered the consequences.

 

OP, I'm guessing you're going to give this relationship another try, but the trust is broken. This is her friend and a staple in her life, and you can't very well demand she sever ties. This will only lead to hatred and resentment. These are choices she has to make on her own, and boundaries she has to set on her own, and she won't make these choices until she suffers losing many, many potential spouses she attaches herself to. You can't make an ultimatum. You have to accept this man, her pal and buddy, as a part of her life. You don't trust him, and you don't trust her. It will take a lot of work on her part to convince you they are strictly platonic...no cuddling. It will take a lot on your part to trust her change...and him...you have to deal with him too. Good luck, but I think you need to give up the ghost that this will work. She has way too much learning to do. She could put that teddy bear in a box for posterity and buy herself a new stuffed animal or body pillow.

Edited March 17, 2018 by act00
grammar

[Gaeta]

We have not heard from OP since the day he said he was heading to the airport. I think it's safe to say she convinced him to not break up.

[kendahke]

Anyone here on the board...a question...do you snuggle and cuddle all your platonic friends? Do you spoon?

 

Nope. Only with my man.

 

No platonic friend of either sex gets to get into my bed. They can use the spare bedroom if they're that sick or tired or visiting, but no. No cuddles either in or out of my bed. About the most they'll get is a hug when arriving and leaving.

[SerPundnes]

You know those action movies where you think someone is dead, then suddenly shows up alive at the end of the movie?

 

Well, this is kinda like that ..

 

It took me another three months to dump this girl for good.

 

I tried to rationalize this all in my head and thinking it will get better .. But thoughts of all the things shes done just kept haunting me ..

 

We worked on ourself these past three months, but it just wasn't enough .. The trust has been gone since the trip.

 

Yesterday she got in a grumpy mood and I knew she wanted me to ask what was wrong, and so I did .. She told me she was hurt because I didn't call her the prettiest girl in the world .. At this exact moment everything she had done wrong just came out of nowhere and I knew I had to break up ..

 

I regret not listening to some of you guys advice. When I read the advices it makes sense, but I'm too weak and I cave in .. But not anymore!

 

It's over, and I have mixed feelings at the moment, but I think I know it was the right thing to do.

 

Any good advices to not cave in to this girl ever again? I have a feeling she'll keep in touch ..

 

Thank you all for all your help!

[act00]

No advice on resisting it. The reality is, until you reach that final breaking point, you'll keep trying because you really care about this person and really want it to work. It takes a lot of strength to realize that no matter the good parts, the bad parts are worse, and you just have to avoid her. No "meet for coffee just to catch up" or anything of the sort...just don't. The loss dissipates and you'll meet someone new...someone who has maturity and boundaries and doesn't require a lot of male orbiters.

[kgcolonel]

You know those action movies where you think someone is dead, then suddenly shows up alive at the end of the movie?

 

Well, this is kinda like that ..

 

It took me another three months to dump this girl for good.

 

I tried to rationalize this all in my head and thinking it will get better .. But thoughts of all the things shes done just kept haunting me ..

 

We worked on ourself these past three months, but it just wasn't enough .. The trust has been gone since the trip.

 

Yesterday she got in a grumpy mood and I knew she wanted me to ask what was wrong, and so I did .. She told me she was hurt because I didn't call her the prettiest girl in the world .. At this exact moment everything she had done wrong just came out of nowhere and I knew I had to break up ..

 

I regret not listening to some of you guys advice. When I read the advices it makes sense, but I'm too weak and I cave in .. But not anymore!

 

It's over, and I have mixed feelings at the moment, but I think I know it was the right thing to do.

 

Any good advices to not cave in to this girl ever again? I have a feeling she'll keep in touch ..

 

Thank you all for all your help!

 

just curious, how did she respond to the "break up conversation"? Did you explain to her that you two have very different boundaries etc or did you simply tell her that this wasn't working for you?

 

BTW, I think you did the right thing here...dating is like a test drive, the drive wasn't a good match for the two of you and you'll both be better once you find someone with similar ideals.

[SerPundnes]

just curious, how did she respond to the "break up conversation"? Did you explain to her that you two have very different boundaries etc or did you simply tell her that this wasn't working for you?

 

BTW, I think you did the right thing here...dating is like a test drive, the drive wasn't a good match for the two of you and you'll both be better once you find someone with similar ideals.

 

She responded very poorly .. I told her I don't want to continue the relationship and that I have to do what's best for me .. She told me how much she wanted this, but I said "you can't always get what you want" .. Then she said "But you get what you want! You're dumping me!" .. Just proves how childish she is imo.

 

I told her that the relationship had met it's limit and that we just have to realize that we're not a good fit.

 

Yes, I also think I did the right thing .. It just bothers me that I now have to start all over with someone new when they come along .. I'm 27, is it too early to think my time is running out? Haha

 

Thanks for your response!

[PegNosePete]

I said "you can't always get what you want" .. Then she said "But you get what you want! You're dumping me!"

The correct response was of course, "but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need". This breakup was clearly needed. For her own good as well as yours.

 

It just bothers me that I now have to start all over with someone new when they come along .. I'm 27, is it too early to think my time is running out?

Yeah, daunting thought. You will probably have to "start over" many times. But take a break first. Do some things you've always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were stuck in this relationship. And no, 27 is certainly not too old, I wish I met my partner at 27 we would have had 10 more years together!

[Gaeta]

Thank you for getting back to us.

 

 

 

Yes you did the right thing now you can move on and meet a mature young woman that will understand boundaries. Once you meet her you'll kick yourself for pining over this one.

 

 

 

She will keep in touch? It takes 2 to keep in touch so don't participate that's all. Defriend her on social media and block her phone. Do it like when we pull a band-aid, you don't think about it and you pull it off with one big stroke.

[Zahara]

She responded very poorly .. I told her I don't want to continue the relationship and that I have to do what's best for me .. She told me how much she wanted this, but I said "you can't always get what you want" .. Then she said "But you get what you want! You're dumping me!" .. Just proves how childish she is imo.

 

I think you were aware of her level of immaturity back then. This is just another instance of how entitled she feels.

 

Yes, I also think I did the right thing .. It just bothers me that I now have to start all over with someone new when they come along .. I'm 27, is it too early to think my time is running out? Haha!

 

I didn't meet him till my mid 40's. So, your time isn't running out. We often have this bleak and limiting thought pattern after every ending so feeling this way is normal but it isn't real.

 

I'm sure she will reach out again. Based on your posts about her, I wouldn't put it past her. I have no advice on how to resist her communication -- sometimes you have to get hit on the head over and over until it truly, truly hurts to finally get to the point of wanting nothing to do with with that pain anymore. Hopefully you've had enough. But if you derail, maybe you can come here and ask for support, or read this thread again to remind you of your reality with her -- just don't react until you seek support or give yourself some time to talk yourself out of breaking NC.

[kendahke]

Any good advices to not cave in to this girl ever again? I have a feeling she'll keep in touch ..

 

All cell phones and all social media apps have blocking features built in. Use it.

 

She can't keep in touch if she can't get through. If she does get through, she needs to meet an unmistakable wall of rude and cold so she never does that again.

 

You do have way more agency in all of this than you think you do.

[kgcolonel]

Yes, Ser...it is too early....today's generation is marrying much later than my gen....my son is 29 and he's in no rush.

 

Her comment is interesting in that she still didn't see the wrong in the trip and the itinerary...i.e. one room etc....

 

This solidifies the fact that you two are not a good match. The upside that I hope you can focus on is "finding that person who shares your values and loyalty". That is the pot of gold you're seeking, not someone who would do what she did and ignore your discomfort. Who knows what actually went on with her and her friend but never the less, it caused you trouble and that is sufficient enough.

 

Thank you for the follow up and do not get discouraged.

[SerPundnes]

Hey guys,

 

I think I've become quite the douchebag ..

I keep stringing her along, because of me feeling lonely at times.

 

We talked a bit about us a few weeks ago and she asked if we were going somewhere and I told her "We'll see". I know I didn't lie when I said that, because I want it to work, but 5 days a week I don't want it to work, I wanna be away from her and do my own things.

 

We were both on seperate partys this Saturday and she kept sending snapchats of her and other boys, wich made me a bit irritated (was a bit drunk) and sent her a message explaining how she hasn't changed one bit from earlier in the relationship. She called me up and I basically dumped her on the phone, as soon as she hung up I blocked her everywhere. This lead to her friends starting to call me telling me how I'm a piece of sh*t etc .. I just ignored it all and kept having a good time at the party I was on. Oh, one of her friends said she threw her phone into the ground wich messed up the phone, so that's why these friends callled.

 

Now my ex has started contacting my friends asking if she could call them and talk to them.

 

Deep down I know I don't want her, but deep down I think I want some of this drama.

 

What on earth is wrong with me?

[Sunlight72]

What is wrong with you is that like almost everyone, you want to be special and you want someone to like you in a special way.

 

The solution is to actually keep the no contact with her you started at the party when you blocked her social media and phone number. But there is something more important that you don't seem to understand.

 

1 - it is very difficult for a person (you) to just stop any behavior (like being in touch with your ex). You need to add something to your schedule for you to put your time and energy into. That way, you've got something better to do than speaking with her/thinking about her. Spend more time with your family, work, other friends, take little trips out of the house - something. Go to the Library. Something.

 

2 - Since we all want to feel special to someone, I would suggest that you start feeling more special to yourself, and seek that feeling less from her or any other person. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Slap your shoulder or biceps when you stand up. Strut around your own house for your own self. When you go outside give the mailman or a neighbor a big smile and wave and remind yourself how nice it is for you to have them as a neighbor, and also how nice it is for them to have you as a neighbor.

 

You have all the tools you need to get more centered. Take out your tools, and build yourself - by yourself - for yourself.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight