Red flags all over??

[Gaeta]

Lets put aside the fact she is travelling with a male friend for a moment and look at the rest of the relationship.

 

She is surrounded by males, her best friend is male, her room mate is male and she is chummy with her ex and is planning on meeting him this summer. All this make OP feel less of a man. He doesn't feel 'special' as a boyfriend should. He feels like he's just another dude revolving around her and he's feeling like this only 3 months into dating her. For that only he should break up and find a better suited partner.

[act00]

I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.

Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.

I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.

 

They spoon. That, and he is the one that gets to judge whether or not her current boyfriend is "worthy" and warned him that this snuggle buddy might be sullen and rude as he is making his assessment...just so ya' know.

 

If your BF and your friend's GF are totally okay with you and your guy friend sharing a room, sharing a bed, and spooning and snuggling, all the power to you. I would say a majority of the people have a hard "no" on that one.

 

She is very descriptive of all her past sexual antics and snuggles with a teddy bear her ex gave her and made it very clear of such, and is planning to meet another ex (or the same one, who knows). We're not talking about one uncomfortable and sketchy incident, we're talking about many, and I think most people aren't so much vilifying her, as much as they're saying this girl isn't for you and she's a bit on the immature side with few boundaries. Maybe some dude will come along and be totally okay with flirting, snuggling, and spooning, and having all kinds of admiring orbiters around.

 

At no point is she taking measures to create a trustful set of circumstances. She's going about life like "this is just how I am, take it or leave it," which is fine, and the OP should probably leave it. After she loses one or two boyfriends she's genuinely interested in over this behavior, maybe she'll realize that these loose boundaries aren't really working and she'll make a change. Or not.

[rightondude]

lol ... spooning with buddies ... reminds me of this line from the Steve Martin/John Candy classic:

 

"Del, where are your hands?"

 

"Between two pillows!"

 

"THOSE ... AREN'T ... PILLOWS!"

[heavenonearth]

They spoon. That, and he is the one that gets to judge whether or not her current boyfriend is "worthy" and warned him that this snuggle buddy might be sullen and rude as he is making his assessment...just so ya' know.

 

If your BF and your friend's GF are totally okay with you and your guy friend sharing a room, sharing a bed, and spooning and snuggling, all the power to you. I would say a majority of the people have a hard "no" on that one.

 

She is very descriptive of all her past sexual antics and snuggles with a teddy bear her ex gave her and made it very clear of such, and is planning to meet another ex (or the same one, who knows). We're not talking about one uncomfortable and sketchy incident, we're talking about many, and I think most people aren't so much vilifying her, as much as they're saying this girl isn't for you and she's a bit on the immature side with few boundaries. Maybe some dude will come along and be totally okay with flirting, snuggling, and spooning, and having all kinds of admiring orbiters around.

 

At no point is she taking measures to create a trustful set of circumstances. She's going about life like "this is just how I am, take it or leave it," which is fine, and the OP should probably leave it. After she loses one or two boyfriends she's genuinely interested in over this behavior, maybe she'll realize that these loose boundaries aren't really working and she'll make a change. Or not.

 

OP said his Gf mentioned that her and her friend once spooned.

Doesn’t mean they are doing that now - especially since she is in a relationship now. Spooning with another person when you’re in a relationship is kinda a no go, isn’t it.

[kendahke]

I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.

Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.

I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.

 

You're making this thread into an indictment against you when your situation and OP's situation are a universe apart. We're choosing not to be her apologist.

 

she said "when you meet him, don't be afraid that he is not talking too much with you, because he is observing you to see if you're a good match for me".

 

she told me "we are traveling around, so I don't know if we got seperate rooms or even seperate beds in all places, but that dosen't matter".

 

she just sent me a snap of the room with a queen bed where she and her friend will be sleeping, and added "We didn't get seperate beds wich we asked about .. oh well".

 

she kept being nasty to me and telling me how I have to trust her and it's totally normal to do this ..

 

She just hung up the phone in the end ..

 

Did you do any of this with your boyfriend? That's what makes your situation non sequitur to this one.

 

She's got a funky attitude about this which she's using to torment OP. That's why she's being dragged.

 

This friend of hers' feelings are way more important to her than her own boyfriend. The fact that his approval is needed and she runs to him whenever she and OP have a disagreement also makes this situation different from yours.

[Sundra1]

These things alone would not be too much cause for alarm, but all these things together!? I could pick apart little things here and there like other people above have done, but my biggest concern is that there are so many things, and they all revolve around holding onto relationships with other men that were more than platonic.

This girl sounds like she has some serious insecurity issues, and I would guess daddy issues. Trust me, you want out of this one. If you play it smart, she may come to you when she is ready for something, but one thing I can tell you for now is no matter what she says, she is not ready for a relationship. Get out early and preserve your relationship or ride it out and I am sure you will not be happy with the result.

[BarbedFenceRider]

That many guys and there is NOOOOO sex? Riiiight. And I have some beachfront property here in Arizona as well....lol

 

She has guys lined up like the bullets in a magazine. Or the pins in a bowling match. Or books with the Dewey decimal system. You get the point....

[SerPundnes]

These things alone would not be too much cause for alarm, but all these things together!? I could pick apart little things here and there like other people above have done, but my biggest concern is that there are so many things, and they all revolve around holding onto relationships with other men that were more than platonic.

This girl sounds like she has some serious insecurity issues, and I would guess daddy issues. Trust me, you want out of this one. If you play it smart, she may come to you when she is ready for something, but one thing I can tell you for now is no matter what she says, she is not ready for a relationship. Get out early and preserve your relationship or ride it out and I am sure you will not be happy with the result.

 

Again, thank you all! Your opinions, experiences and thoughts matter to me!

 

I haven't responded to any of her texts the last three days. But she just sent me a message saying "It would be nice if you answered so I know if I have to get someone to pick up my bag at your place".

 

My response: Yeah, get someone to pick up your bag.

 

I feel some kind of relief, at the same time I feel like puking .. All I can think about now is that she ignores me and thinks "oh well, now I'll definitely have sex with my best friend! Screw him!" ..

[BarbedFenceRider]

Hey man sex is sex. Let it go. You did outstanding! No just ghost her...That will be the Achilles heel for her. She is an attention addict. And by leaving a giant vacuum to suck on will knock her down a peg or two. Really.

 

Now, 1 more text so you don't have to see her. Or the simp who is willing to go retrieve her sh*t. Tell her you are leaving it outside by the mail or something...Not your drama anymore...

[Imajerk17]

I went on vacation with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.

Nothing happened. He’s like a brother to me. There is no sexual attraction between us. He has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.

My boyfriend likes my best friend and vice versa. I like my best friend’s girlfriend and vice versa. Everyone gets along great.

 

I think you can not generalize these things and have to evaluate these sort of relationships on a case to case basis. But truly some people of the opposite sex really are just friends - and that’s it.

 

She may overshare about her past relationships and that’s a bit weird. But i have in the past done that as well and it speaks more about emotional openness and a bit naïveté rather than “red flag” or instability

 

I really think that if you do not trust your girlfriend then you may not have much of a future. But i would not forbid her to have a best friend or go on the vacation with her best friend - it’s her life.

 

Most people on this forum are very conservative when it comes to same sex friendships opposite. But it depends on each and every individual person.

 

 

Edit: just read the rest of the thread and - wow, i am amazed by the sheer herd mentality. There is literally zero proof that this girl is cheating on him.

I mean yeah - it’s his choice if he wants to be with someone who decides to go on a vacation with a opposite sex friend - but to vilify this woman calling her a liar and cheater without proof - that goes a bit too far.

For what it’s worth, she may just be enjoying her vacation with her friend, truly missing her boyfriend.

 

 

I'm sorry but I (and about every other heterosexual man out there) would NOT be OK with this if I were the boyfriend, and I would STRONGLY encourage every other guy to not be OK with this either.

 

And just the same, a woman should NOT be OK with her boyfriend sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

 

What is with the younger generation and this whole Cuddle Buddies thing? Jeeze Louize!

Edited March 8, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Zahara]

Again, thank you all! Your opinions, experiences and thoughts matter to me!

 

I haven't responded to any of her texts the last three days. But she just sent me a message saying "It would be nice if you answered so I know if I have to get someone to pick up my bag at your place".

 

My response: Yeah, get someone to pick up your bag.

 

I feel some kind of relief, at the same time I feel like puking .. All I can think about now is that she ignores me and thinks "oh well, now I'll definitely have sex with my best friend! Screw him!" ..

 

You have her key. As someone suggested, leave her bag in her apartment and leave her key. Lock the door. Then move on.

 

Your response and her "stuff" is only going to foster an unhealthy back and forth.

 

I understand you are angry and hurt but keeping a lifeline going is only going to keep you in limbo and in pain and possibly risk your moving on.

[ARAMCOMAN]

Just by her reply she knows that what she is going to or has already done is a big relationship no no, and she is testing you to see if you have the gonads to stand up for yourself. Which you did. Congrats.

I know breakups are hard but you need to find someone who has common sense enough to realise that going on a vacation with another man, sharing a room, sleeping in the same bed, sending you pics of the bed, laughing about it, telling you that's the way it is so screw your feelings & hanging up on you while discussing the issue is a relationship killer.

Maybe her best boyfriend can be her bitch, you just showed her that you won't.

Edited March 8, 2018 by ARAMCOMAN

[S2B]

Drop her stuff off - this is action you can take instead of leaving it up to her to send someone over.

 

This is you taking control and getting it finalized in your terms, not hers.

 

 

She knew it was unacceptable - that's why she asked... she's just surprised now that you state it's over.

 

Expect drama from her - do not respond. Only text after you drop off re stuff - text that her crap is in her apt. That's it - no more.

[SerPundnes]

You have her key. As someone suggested, leave her bag in her apartment and leave her key. Lock the door. Then move on.

 

Your response and her "stuff" is only going to foster an unhealthy back and forth.

 

I understand you are angry and hurt but keeping a lifeline going is only going to keep you in limbo and in pain and possibly risk your moving on.

 

I just told her to get someone to pick it up, so I don't have to see her when delivering it to her on the airport. I thought I did good?

[SerPundnes]

Just by her reply she knows that what she is going to or has already done is a big relationship no no, and she is testing you to see if you have the gonads to stand up for yourself. Which you did. Congrats.

I know breakups are hard but you need to find someone who has common sense enough to realise that going on a vacation with another man, sharing a room, sleeping in the same bed, sending you pics of the bed, laughing about it, telling you that's the way it is so screw your feelings & hanging up on you while discussing the issue is a relationship killer.

Maybe her best boyfriend can be her bitch, you just showed her that you won't.

 

Yeah, I also think she was "testing" me to see if I'd buldge.

 

She really has been horrible to me, and I can't understand how I accept it ..

[CommittedToThis]

My response:

 

I'm proud of you for kicking her to the curb but please, get rid of her stuff ASAP and then, as said somewhere above, go 100% ghost on her. She thrives on your attention; remove it completely and she will feel severely uncomfortable, trust me.

 

Every time you respond to her she knows she's still got a carrot dangling in front of you. Don't give her that satisfaction. Get rid of her stuff and forget about her. Give yourself six months to adjust. You'll be fine.

[SerPundnes]

Drop her stuff off - this is action you can take instead of leaving it up to her to send someone over.

 

This is you taking control and getting it finalized in your terms, not hers.

 

 

She knew it was unacceptable - that's why she asked... she's just surprised now that you state it's over.

 

Expect drama from her - do not respond. Only text after you drop off re stuff - text that her crap is in her apt. That's it - no more.

 

I was thinking about dropping the bag off at the bagage-service at the airport. They can store bagage for you for weeks.

 

You think that's why she asked? And do you really think she's surprised by my answer?

[Space Ritual]

The last few weeks I really haven't thought about it much, but yesterday it all really hit me, espacily when she sent me the snap of the bed they were gonna share ..

 

Young man,

 

Despite an extremely lame attempt at thread jacking, you have been given solid advice.

 

I know this stuff hurts. We all do. But again, look at what I quoted you from.

 

Her sending snaps of the bed she will be sharing is not only beyond disrespectful, it demonstrates the one thing that all these types of people have in common.

 

It's all about them. You have nothing to do with it.

 

I think that is usually the hardest part for many of us to accept. We can go for years blaming ourselves, but in the end, we never even figured into their thought process.

 

They need what they want, and they want what they need

 

It would never register to such a person that consequences may ensue for such behavior. Their overall desire to look out for number 1 supersedes everything else, either with malicious intent or by complete and utter cluelessness (of which I think your hopefully soon to be ex falls into the latter).

 

The result is the same. Always is.

 

She will continue to sashay around the Town Square under the Parasol of Selfishness until she has consequence enough to wise up.

 

I am afraid any consequence you show her will be met with indignation and surprise. If for no other reason than she can't see beyond her own nose.

 

And no, it's not just women, plenty of men exhibit the same behaviors. Regardless of gender, the situation sucks for those exposed to it.

 

Just accept that the one to show her consequences of a concrete nature is not going to be you. It will be someone she dates down the line, because the batteries have run out on this relationship for all intents and purposes.

 

Love is a wicked game, it would be a lot less wicked if people recognized with their gut instead of their heart that such people need to be released to their destiny.

 

Just walk away. You'll be better off for it. Let her play the oblivious act on someone else.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Space Ritual

[SerPundnes]

Young man,

 

Despite an extremely lame attempt at thread jacking, you have been given solid advice.

 

I know this stuff hurts. We all do. But again, look at what I quoted you from.

 

Her sending snaps of the bed she will be sharing is not only beyond disrespectful, it demonstrates the one thing that all these types of people have in common.

 

It's all about them. You have nothing to do with it.

 

I think that is usually the hardest part for many of us to accept. We can go for years blaming ourselves, but in the end, we never even figured into their thought process.

 

They need what they want, and they want what they need

 

It would never register to such a person that consequences may ensue for such behavior. Their overall desire to look out for number 1 supersedes everything else, either with malicious intent or by complete and utter cluelessness (of which I think your hopefully soon to be ex falls into the latter).

 

The result is the same. Always is.

 

She will continue to sashay around the Town Square under the Parasol of Selfishness until she has consequence enough to wise up.

 

I am afraid any consequence you show her will be met with indignation and surprise. If for no other reason than she can't see beyond her own nose.

 

And no, it's not just women, plenty of men exhibit the same behaviors. Regardless of gender, the situation sucks for those exposed to it.

 

Just accept that the one to show her consequences of a concrete nature is not going to be you. It will be someone she dates down the line, because the batteries have run out on this relationship for all intents and purposes.

 

Love is a wicked game, it would be a lot less wicked if people recognized with their gut instead of their heart that such people need to be released to their destiny.

 

Just walk away. You'll be better off for it. Let her play the oblivious act on someone else.

 

Thank you for your respone! You have alot of wise words!

 

What is thread jacking? (english is not my native language).

[S2B]

I was thinking about dropping the bag off at the bagage-service at the airport. They can store bagage for you for weeks.

 

You think that's why she asked? And do you really think she's surprised by my answer?

 

Don't drop it there. It leaves room for her to claim it got lost and blame you.

 

Have someone go with you (for proof) leave it at her place and walk away - send a text saying her stuff is at her place. Then block her.

 

Done! All done!

[BarbedFenceRider]

I was thinking about dropping the bag off at the bagage-service at the airport. They can store bagage for you for weeks.

 

You think that's why she asked? And do you really think she's surprised by my answer?

 

----Who cares. Champagne High brother. Ditch it and quit it...

 

And pleeeeeeze, do not keep her in the wings and reply back and forth. Block and delete the number.

[Imajerk17]

Yeah, I also think she was "testing" me to see if I'd buldge.

 

She really has been horrible to me, and I can't understand how I accept it ..

 

 

I thought the idea was for you just to drop the stuff off at her place (with the key) and then be done with it. In fact I am surprised you even still have her stuff

 

Really, drop the stuff off at her place w the key and do it ASAP. That will clear a huge mental load as after that point on there will be no need of any further interaction. The longer her stuff is at your place (and you have to see it), the longer you will be thinking of how to drop her stuff off ect and so the longer you will be thinking of her. Stop stalling! Instead just clear the drama out right away.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Zahara]

I just told her to get someone to pick it up, so I don't have to see her when delivering it to her on the airport. I thought I did good?

 

You're taking the right steps forward but choosing to get there the long way. You have a key, you have her bag. Leave it at her home and make a clean break.

 

I am not sure why you're making this hard on yourself by creating more drama -- leaving the bag at baggage service at the airport?!

 

You're upset and you want to stick it to her. I know how you feel. But you're only doing yourself a disservice by dragging this out and leaving small windows open for more communication/contact. Infact, you may just want to have those small windows open because you're not truly ready to let it go. You want some sort of emotional response from her so you're dragging it out.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Zahara

[heavenonearth]

I'm sorry but I (and about every other heterosexual man out there) would NOT be OK with this if I were the boyfriend, and I would STRONGLY encourage every other guy to not be OK with this either.

 

And just the same, a woman should NOT be OK with her boyfriend sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

 

What is with the younger generation and this whole Cuddle Buddies thing? Jeeze Louize!

 

Just saying, not everyone who has opposite sex friends is also sleeping with them.

 

That aside, I certainly would not sleep in the same bed with a male friend now that I am in a relationship - simply out of respect for my partner.

 

And I also said OP likely made the right decision. It's his choice what he puts up with and what not.

[Space Ritual]

Thank you for your respone! You have alot of wise words!

 

What is thread jacking? (english is not my native language).

 

Basically what I described in my last post. lol.

 

It is neither a surprise or a secret that threads over 2 pages long tend to take a life of their own. It is the nature of the beast.

 

The goal we have here is for you to be exposed to a variety of viewpoints based on our collective experiences. Many of us (myself included) can be extremely subjective. Sometimes to the point of the thread becoming moot or off topic.

 

It is just a product of so many people expressing themselves at the same time.

 

And your English is better than mine, because I'm a 'Murican lol