Red flags all over??

[wolf123]

red flags on fire, bro. lol

[sgrinaldi]

There is no actually evidence that she loves him, that she's willing to work it out or change her behavior. All she said is that she'd come home early. Just because she got called out and is now back-peddling, that doesn't mean she'll actually improve her behavior in the future. Honestly, its more likely that she'll just hide it better instead of throwing it in his face.

 

Speaking of throwing it in his face, it speaks a great deal against her character that it took OP breaking up with her to see things his way. He spoke his concerns before this, but instead of understanding, communication and compromise, he got a photo of the bed she would be sharing with someone else and an "oh well."

 

She wasn't 'throwing it in his face'. She was simply being honest and letting her bf know what was going on. If she was cheating, she would not have done that. She'd be secretive and shady.

 

It's about just what I said it's about - different expectations. People are raised differently, have different cultures, have different sets of friends, and therefore have different ideas about what is or isn't proper in a relationship. She said 'oh well' because for HER it was no big deal. SHE knows she's not cheating, and her expectations are that her bf should trust her. The OP, however, has a different set of expectations. So they should work it out, and it's obvious that she wants to. Which is further evidence that there was nothing to worry about in the first place.

 

I think you are projecting a lot of your own hope into this.

 

Having different expectations in a relationship is the death of it. When people date they have to date with a common goal and common expectations. If you don't then you are not compatible and it will not work.

 

If you have to change too much of who you are you won't be happy and the relationship isn't meant to be. Just like you should be in a college dorm and partying all your little heart desire and your boyfriend should find himself a woman his age who's done her partying all day long years.

 

And to end this: People don't change.

 

That's ridiculous. People DO change. People compromise, talk, and work things out. In my own situation, my bf has already shown me he can change, so I know it's possible. If you are truly in love, then anything is possible.

 

Changing some of your expectations is not 'changing too much of who you are'. That's crazy. You're simply changing how you think, changing your behavior. You don't have to change the fundamentals of what you are to make a relationship work. You merely have to be willing to change your pov a bit, that's all.

 

And that is how it worked in my own relationship. I don't have to 'project my hope', because in fact my bf and I have worked things out, so I'm just projecting my own actual experience here. It just took a little time and effort to show my bf he could trust me, and for him to LEARN to trust, because some people are just like that - they are naturally suspicious and have to learn HOW to be able to trust in a relationship. And that's when a relationship really clicks on all cylinders, when you both can and do trust each other.

 

Think about it OP, do you really have any ACTUAL grounds to think your gf would cheat on you? Any actual EVIDENCE? It's all conjecture, and I really think you should consider that your gf simply didn't realize that this was such a big deal to you, because from her pov it was no big deal at all. But now she realizes how you feel and is sorry. What more do you want?

 

What you should do is take her back and learn to trust her. If she is ever really cheating on you, it's just a matter of time before you would find out about it, and you can dump her then. But a good bf would give her the benefit of the doubt at this point, since there is absolutely NO evidence of any cheating going on. At worst, what we have here is a girl who was a bit naive about her bf's expectations, which she now is aware of, that's all.

 

It's a shame to see a relationship end based on nothing more than suspicions and different expectations. If there is no actual cheating, then any relationship should be salvageable.

[lolablue17]

It's about just what I said it's about - different expectations.

 

People are different, and with many couples there are "different expectations". So I think, no... it's really not about different expectations.

 

It's about loving and caring. I wish my gf to pay attention to things that bother me, hurt me, and make me feel uncomfortable. According to what the OP says, this girl was ignoring his feelings totally. She was just explaining him over and over again why he shouldn't be bothered. But she didn't change her actions even for a bit.

 

If she loved him and cared about him, she would have trired to make him happy. It doesn't mean she must do everything he says, but she totally ignored his feelings and needs. This is not a loving gf.

Edited March 13, 2018 by lolablue17

[kendahke]

Well, if you want to throw away what appears to be an otherwise good relationship

 

It's not a good relationship TO HIM. That's all that matters here. We're not talking about your relationship.

Edited March 13, 2018 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

Changing some of your expectations is not 'changing too much of who you are'. That's crazy. You're simply changing how you think, changing your behavior. You don't have to change the fundamentals of what you are to make a relationship work. You merely have to be willing to change your pov a bit, that's all.

 

There is just so many wrong in all of your reply to me. I am going to concentrate on this.

 

Our expectations ARE the core of who we are. I expect my BF to not spend his vacations with another female. It's written deep into me and no amount of him debating with me will change my mind that it is not 'wrong'. If my BF laid in a bed next to another female it would be the end of our relationship, that is how that expectation is part of who I am. I will never change how I think on that subject, not even one bit.

 

Other expectations? I expect fidelity, respect, consideration, affection, patience, understanding. Am I ready to change my pov on those? NO. Again those expectations are the 'core' of who I am.

 

People don't change. You will have the proof of it yourself soon. Your boyfriend told you he'd change and after a couple of weeks he got back to his controlling manners. He told you he'd change again a couple of days ago, just give him enough time to prove it to you instead of going around claiming your boyfriend has changed. I expect him to go back to his controlling ways before another month has passed - because people don't change. They can change little things like putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket and clean up the kitchen counter after messing it but people do not change their 'expectations' because it's deep into them from their childhood and past relationships.

[Exformer]

She wasn't 'throwing it in his face'. She was simply being honest and letting her bf know what was going on. If she was cheating, she would not have done that. She'd be secretive and shady.

"The best lie is wrapped around a core of truth."

 

If you want someone to believe something is what it isn't, you take the truth and repackage it. She's going on a trip with another dude. It's not like she can pretend she's traveling solo and get away with it.

 

It's about just what I said it's about - different expectations. People are raised differently, have different cultures, have different sets of friends, and therefore have different ideas about what is or isn't proper in a relationship. She said 'oh well' because for HER it was no big deal. SHE knows she's not cheating, and her expectations are that her bf should trust her. The OP, however, has a different set of expectations. So they should work it out, and it's obvious that she wants to. Which is further evidence that there was nothing to worry about in the first place.

Sending a photo of a bed she's going to share with another guy for the purpose of showing her boyfriend the bed she's sharing with another guy...is not a casual heads up. If something isn't a big deal, you don't make a point of it...especially when you know it is a big deal to the other person. She already told him that it may happen on that trip. Anything else is unnecessary. The photo was completely disregarding his perspective, or worse, purposely fishing for reaction because of it.

 

Her boyfriend communicated to her his problems. She chose to ignore them, even poking at them, until the consequences got too dire for her. This hasn't been about his feelings the whole time. That's not healthy, no matter what their issues are.

[SerPundnes]

"The best lie is wrapped around a core of truth."

 

If you want someone to believe something is what it isn't, you take the truth and repackage it. She's going on a trip with another dude. It's not like she can pretend she's traveling solo and get away with it.

 

 

Sending a photo of a bed she's going to share with another guy for the purpose of showing her boyfriend the bed she's sharing with another guy...is not a casual heads up. If something isn't a big deal, you don't make a point of it...especially when you know it is a big deal to the other person. She already told him that it may happen on that trip. Anything else is unnecessary. The photo was completely disregarding his perspective, or worse, purposely fishing for reaction because of it.

 

Her boyfriend communicated to her his problems. She chose to ignore them, even poking at them, until the consequences got too dire for her. This hasn't been about his feelings the whole time. That's not healthy, no matter what their issues are.

 

Thanks, I very much agree.

 

My GF is cancelling the rest of her vacation and coming home in 2 days.

I have to go to the airport to deliver her stuff.

Yes, I know it might be a mistake, but I really just want to be done with it now. I am tired and not functioning well these days.

 

She will 100% want to explain and speak with me, and I'll let her speak, but won't get talked into staying. I just feel so disrespected by this all.

 

The thing that bothers me is that it took me to break up with her before she realized what she had done was wrong .. Or I don't know if she realized it was wrong, but she for sure realized it will be consequences.

[Gaeta]

Why did she cancel the rest of her trip?

 

I don't believe you are going to the airport because you want this over with. I think you are hoping she will make everything right. People that are done don't run to airports.

[lolablue17]

My GF is cancelling the rest of her vacation and coming home in 2 days.

I have to go to the airport to deliver her stuff.

 

She's coming back in 2 days, which means she'll travel almost two weeks, maybe 1-2 days shorter than the original plan. If it was very important to her, she would have canceled the trip immediatelly. Apparently it's not.

 

Meeting at the airport creates a sense of emergency. There isn't anything urgent. It's civilized of you to agree to listen to her. But why at the airport and why urgent?

 

If she'd asked my advice, I would have adviced not to explain at all, only to say she's sorry and she made a huge mistake, to ask for forgiveness and to promise she will never ever do anything solely, without agreeing it with you first and consider your feelings as first priority.

Edited March 13, 2018 by lolablue17

[Exformer]

Thanks, I very much agree.

 

My GF is cancelling the rest of her vacation and coming home in 2 days.

I have to go to the airport to deliver her stuff.

Yes, I know it might be a mistake, but I really just want to be done with it now.

 

She will 100% want to explain and speak with me, and I'll let her speak, but won't get talked into staying. I just feel so disrespected by this all.

 

I think this is a bad idea. You aren't going to the airport to end it. You're going because there's a part of you that hopes she'll miraculously be able to explain away her actions or prove she truly is completely remorseful, and is completely crushed she ever hurt you.

 

At best, you're going with the idea you can still end things on your terms while still getting the emotional response you want out of her...but by giving in a little here and a little there and going to the airport for her, she's going to end up finishing things on her terms and flipping this on you. The more you cave in, the more she'll take from you.

 

You don't need to go to the airport...there is zero logical reason for that. You know where she lives. You have a key. She has friends who can pick her stuff up. She has a parent's house you say you could drop stuff off at. When she's home, you can drop it off outside and then text her its by the front door...there are a ton of better actions to take than go to the airport.

 

She makes the tiniest gesture by coming home two days early on a multi-week vacation...days after you've called it off and days after she said she would come home early. Not to speculate, but....okay, speculation...I think if you dug, you'd find other reasons she came home early that don't have anything to do with her guilt in hurting you.

 

Most likely scenario as I see it: You go the airport. You say you want to be done, but [ fill in blank ]. She repeats a bunch of stuff that sounds apologetic, yet deflects blame of any real wrong doing if you look at it more closely than she'll let you, and you keep dating. However, you don't trust her now, and you'll be suspicious of her motives and if she's still in contact with her guy friend. She will keep her guy friend unless he's the reason she's coming home early. The guy friend will use this drama as a reason she should break up with you, and he'll remind her that any time you have a fight...because of course he'll be the one she calls. Occasionally she'll hold it over your head that her friendship isn't as strong (code for they don't share a bed nearly as often), and that you made her leave her vacation early...even though it was only two days on a multi-week vacation, and you didn't tell her to come home; she chose to do it. More red flags and the dead relationship drags on even longer.

 

You're at your weak point right now. It's early break up where you still refer to her as your girlfriend. Now is not the time to cave and have contact.

[kgcolonel]

She's coming back in 2 days, which means she'll travel almost two weeks, maybe 1-2 days shorter than the original plan. If it was very important to her, she would have canceled the trip immediatelly. Apparently it's not.

 

Meeting at the airport creates a sense of emergency. There isn't anything urgent. It's civilized of you to agree to listen to her. But why at the airport and why urgent?

 

If she'd asked my advice, I would have adviced not to explain at all, only to say she's sorry and she made a huge mistake, to ask for forgiveness and to promise she will never ever do anything solely, without agreeing it with you first and consider your feelings as first priority.

 

I am in agreement with Lolablue here...even to a further point, I would ship her the bag to arrive a day after she's scheduled to be back. This way there is no need to interact...she's shown you she's on her own agenda and you, in my opinion, should do the same.

[kendahke]

Some people don't learn the lesson until they see their brains in their lap.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I dated a guy who had only female friends. He always claimed it's 100% platonic with all of them. He spent time with them 1-1 and chatted all day long. Any time I brought it up, I was being "insecure". He was the type to post a pic on social media and then 10 different females would go straight away: Looking hot babe . This man was 42. He used to have long conversations with me how "They are not sleeping together therefore there is nothing to worry about". Except. Most of his ex girlfriends and even his ex wife were first his "platonic female friends". He was soooo convincing with begging and pleading that I stayed with him for a while. Until he left me for one of these friends.

 

Moral of the story is, these people are deeply disturbed on a level that can't be helped. They probably even beleive their own BS at the time. But they have such a deep need for ego boosts and external validation that they can't give that up. She is not going to change for you or anyone. She may seem to give in for a bit until you calm down. Soon enough, there will be another vacation. And another "male friend". Do you really want to live like this?

[kgcolonel]

Ser,

 

How are you doing....haven't heard from you and was wondering if you are doing okay.

[act00]

sgrinaldi, you are completely delusional if you think cuddling up and sleeping in the same bed is okay, and snuggling. More power to you if your boyfriend and your guy friend's girlfriend are totally okay with him and you spending the night and y'all cuddle and spoon, but a majority of people out there will NOT tolerate their significant other cuddling and spooning in the same bed. You seem to focus on the fact that nobody is having sex; therefore, there's no cheating. Let me tell you, sweetheart, cuddling, spooning, and flirting is cheating. Spooning and cuddling in the same bed is cheating.

 

The OP's (former) girlfriend is suffering the consequences of her actions. I have said this before, many times; she's not going to change her ways or adjust her behavior until she hits consequences, and that consequence is losing a man she is genuinely interested in because he doesn't think snuggling with a "friend" is okay, and it may take more than one guy; maybe the OP is just the first or the second, but she will adjust her behavior when she realizes it is just not acceptable after she loses the third and then the fourth. Her attitude has been "take it or leave it", and the guy, the OP, has chosen to "leave it." She probably has to lose more than one guy over it before it really slams her upside the head that her behavior is unacceptable. She has to place the boundaries. This guy of hers, her best bud, will suffer the same consequences with his female suitors.

 

Anyone here on the board...a question...do you snuggle and cuddle all your platonic friends? Do you spoon?

 

She knew of the OP's unhappiness about this vacation with her guy friend she spoons with, and yet she posted a picture of the bed they would be sharing! That's pretty brazen and "in your face," and she landed herself a break up over it. For her it was, "oh well, plans didn't work out, here's the bed I'll be sleeping in with my spoon-buddy, sorry, oopsie" and for him, it was the straw that broke the camel's back..."You can have your snuggle buddy, I'm done." She pushed the limits...she suffered the consequences.

 

OP, I'm guessing you're going to give this relationship another try, but the trust is broken. This is her friend and a staple in her life, and you can't very well demand she sever ties. This will only lead to hatred and resentment. These are choices she has to make on her own, and boundaries she has to set on her own, and she won't make these choices until she suffers losing many, many potential spouses she attaches herself to. You can't make an ultimatum. You have to accept this man, her pal and buddy, as a part of her life. You don't trust him, and you don't trust her. It will take a lot of work on her part to convince you they are strictly platonic...no cuddling. It will take a lot on your part to trust her change...and him...you have to deal with him too. Good luck, but I think you need to give up the ghost that this will work. She has way too much learning to do. She could put that teddy bear in a box for posterity and buy herself a new stuffed animal or body pillow.

Edited March 17, 2018 by act00
grammar

[Gaeta]

We have not heard from OP since the day he said he was heading to the airport. I think it's safe to say she convinced him to not break up.

[kendahke]

Anyone here on the board...a question...do you snuggle and cuddle all your platonic friends? Do you spoon?

 

Nope. Only with my man.

 

No platonic friend of either sex gets to get into my bed. They can use the spare bedroom if they're that sick or tired or visiting, but no. No cuddles either in or out of my bed. About the most they'll get is a hug when arriving and leaving.

[SerPundnes]

You know those action movies where you think someone is dead, then suddenly shows up alive at the end of the movie?

 

Well, this is kinda like that ..

 

It took me another three months to dump this girl for good.

 

I tried to rationalize this all in my head and thinking it will get better .. But thoughts of all the things shes done just kept haunting me ..

 

We worked on ourself these past three months, but it just wasn't enough .. The trust has been gone since the trip.

 

Yesterday she got in a grumpy mood and I knew she wanted me to ask what was wrong, and so I did .. She told me she was hurt because I didn't call her the prettiest girl in the world .. At this exact moment everything she had done wrong just came out of nowhere and I knew I had to break up ..

 

I regret not listening to some of you guys advice. When I read the advices it makes sense, but I'm too weak and I cave in .. But not anymore!

 

It's over, and I have mixed feelings at the moment, but I think I know it was the right thing to do.

 

Any good advices to not cave in to this girl ever again? I have a feeling she'll keep in touch ..

 

Thank you all for all your help!

[act00]

No advice on resisting it. The reality is, until you reach that final breaking point, you'll keep trying because you really care about this person and really want it to work. It takes a lot of strength to realize that no matter the good parts, the bad parts are worse, and you just have to avoid her. No "meet for coffee just to catch up" or anything of the sort...just don't. The loss dissipates and you'll meet someone new...someone who has maturity and boundaries and doesn't require a lot of male orbiters.

[kgcolonel]

You know those action movies where you think someone is dead, then suddenly shows up alive at the end of the movie?

 

Well, this is kinda like that ..

 

It took me another three months to dump this girl for good.

 

I tried to rationalize this all in my head and thinking it will get better .. But thoughts of all the things shes done just kept haunting me ..

 

We worked on ourself these past three months, but it just wasn't enough .. The trust has been gone since the trip.

 

Yesterday she got in a grumpy mood and I knew she wanted me to ask what was wrong, and so I did .. She told me she was hurt because I didn't call her the prettiest girl in the world .. At this exact moment everything she had done wrong just came out of nowhere and I knew I had to break up ..

 

I regret not listening to some of you guys advice. When I read the advices it makes sense, but I'm too weak and I cave in .. But not anymore!

 

It's over, and I have mixed feelings at the moment, but I think I know it was the right thing to do.

 

Any good advices to not cave in to this girl ever again? I have a feeling she'll keep in touch ..

 

Thank you all for all your help!

 

just curious, how did she respond to the "break up conversation"? Did you explain to her that you two have very different boundaries etc or did you simply tell her that this wasn't working for you?

 

BTW, I think you did the right thing here...dating is like a test drive, the drive wasn't a good match for the two of you and you'll both be better once you find someone with similar ideals.

[SerPundnes]

just curious, how did she respond to the "break up conversation"? Did you explain to her that you two have very different boundaries etc or did you simply tell her that this wasn't working for you?

 

BTW, I think you did the right thing here...dating is like a test drive, the drive wasn't a good match for the two of you and you'll both be better once you find someone with similar ideals.

 

She responded very poorly .. I told her I don't want to continue the relationship and that I have to do what's best for me .. She told me how much she wanted this, but I said "you can't always get what you want" .. Then she said "But you get what you want! You're dumping me!" .. Just proves how childish she is imo.

 

I told her that the relationship had met it's limit and that we just have to realize that we're not a good fit.

 

Yes, I also think I did the right thing .. It just bothers me that I now have to start all over with someone new when they come along .. I'm 27, is it too early to think my time is running out? Haha

 

Thanks for your response!

[PegNosePete]

I said "you can't always get what you want" .. Then she said "But you get what you want! You're dumping me!"

The correct response was of course, "but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need". This breakup was clearly needed. For her own good as well as yours.

 

It just bothers me that I now have to start all over with someone new when they come along .. I'm 27, is it too early to think my time is running out?

Yeah, daunting thought. You will probably have to "start over" many times. But take a break first. Do some things you've always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were stuck in this relationship. And no, 27 is certainly not too old, I wish I met my partner at 27 we would have had 10 more years together!

[Gaeta]

Thank you for getting back to us.

 

 

 

Yes you did the right thing now you can move on and meet a mature young woman that will understand boundaries. Once you meet her you'll kick yourself for pining over this one.

 

 

 

She will keep in touch? It takes 2 to keep in touch so don't participate that's all. Defriend her on social media and block her phone. Do it like when we pull a band-aid, you don't think about it and you pull it off with one big stroke.

[Zahara]

She responded very poorly .. I told her I don't want to continue the relationship and that I have to do what's best for me .. She told me how much she wanted this, but I said "you can't always get what you want" .. Then she said "But you get what you want! You're dumping me!" .. Just proves how childish she is imo.

 

I think you were aware of her level of immaturity back then. This is just another instance of how entitled she feels.

 

Yes, I also think I did the right thing .. It just bothers me that I now have to start all over with someone new when they come along .. I'm 27, is it too early to think my time is running out? Haha!

 

I didn't meet him till my mid 40's. So, your time isn't running out. We often have this bleak and limiting thought pattern after every ending so feeling this way is normal but it isn't real.

 

I'm sure she will reach out again. Based on your posts about her, I wouldn't put it past her. I have no advice on how to resist her communication -- sometimes you have to get hit on the head over and over until it truly, truly hurts to finally get to the point of wanting nothing to do with with that pain anymore. Hopefully you've had enough. But if you derail, maybe you can come here and ask for support, or read this thread again to remind you of your reality with her -- just don't react until you seek support or give yourself some time to talk yourself out of breaking NC.

[kendahke]

Any good advices to not cave in to this girl ever again? I have a feeling she'll keep in touch ..

 

All cell phones and all social media apps have blocking features built in. Use it.

 

She can't keep in touch if she can't get through. If she does get through, she needs to meet an unmistakable wall of rude and cold so she never does that again.

 

You do have way more agency in all of this than you think you do.