Red flags all over??

[Zahara]

Again, thank you all! Your opinions, experiences and thoughts matter to me!

 

I haven't responded to any of her texts the last three days. But she just sent me a message saying "It would be nice if you answered so I know if I have to get someone to pick up my bag at your place".

 

My response: Yeah, get someone to pick up your bag.

 

I feel some kind of relief, at the same time I feel like puking .. All I can think about now is that she ignores me and thinks "oh well, now I'll definitely have sex with my best friend! Screw him!" ..

 

You have her key. As someone suggested, leave her bag in her apartment and leave her key. Lock the door. Then move on.

 

Your response and her "stuff" is only going to foster an unhealthy back and forth.

 

I understand you are angry and hurt but keeping a lifeline going is only going to keep you in limbo and in pain and possibly risk your moving on.

[ARAMCOMAN]

Just by her reply she knows that what she is going to or has already done is a big relationship no no, and she is testing you to see if you have the gonads to stand up for yourself. Which you did. Congrats.

I know breakups are hard but you need to find someone who has common sense enough to realise that going on a vacation with another man, sharing a room, sleeping in the same bed, sending you pics of the bed, laughing about it, telling you that's the way it is so screw your feelings & hanging up on you while discussing the issue is a relationship killer.

Maybe her best boyfriend can be her bitch, you just showed her that you won't.

Edited March 8, 2018 by ARAMCOMAN

[SerPundnes]

You have her key. As someone suggested, leave her bag in her apartment and leave her key. Lock the door. Then move on.

 

Your response and her "stuff" is only going to foster an unhealthy back and forth.

 

I understand you are angry and hurt but keeping a lifeline going is only going to keep you in limbo and in pain and possibly risk your moving on.

 

I just told her to get someone to pick it up, so I don't have to see her when delivering it to her on the airport. I thought I did good?

[SerPundnes]

Just by her reply she knows that what she is going to or has already done is a big relationship no no, and she is testing you to see if you have the gonads to stand up for yourself. Which you did. Congrats.

I know breakups are hard but you need to find someone who has common sense enough to realise that going on a vacation with another man, sharing a room, sleeping in the same bed, sending you pics of the bed, laughing about it, telling you that's the way it is so screw your feelings & hanging up on you while discussing the issue is a relationship killer.

Maybe her best boyfriend can be her bitch, you just showed her that you won't.

 

Yeah, I also think she was "testing" me to see if I'd buldge.

 

She really has been horrible to me, and I can't understand how I accept it ..

[CommittedToThis]

My response:

 

I'm proud of you for kicking her to the curb but please, get rid of her stuff ASAP and then, as said somewhere above, go 100% ghost on her. She thrives on your attention; remove it completely and she will feel severely uncomfortable, trust me.

 

Every time you respond to her she knows she's still got a carrot dangling in front of you. Don't give her that satisfaction. Get rid of her stuff and forget about her. Give yourself six months to adjust. You'll be fine.

[SerPundnes]

Drop her stuff off - this is action you can take instead of leaving it up to her to send someone over.

 

This is you taking control and getting it finalized in your terms, not hers.

 

 

She knew it was unacceptable - that's why she asked... she's just surprised now that you state it's over.

 

Expect drama from her - do not respond. Only text after you drop off re stuff - text that her crap is in her apt. That's it - no more.

 

I was thinking about dropping the bag off at the bagage-service at the airport. They can store bagage for you for weeks.

 

You think that's why she asked? And do you really think she's surprised by my answer?

[Space Ritual]

The last few weeks I really haven't thought about it much, but yesterday it all really hit me, espacily when she sent me the snap of the bed they were gonna share ..

 

Young man,

 

Despite an extremely lame attempt at thread jacking, you have been given solid advice.

 

I know this stuff hurts. We all do. But again, look at what I quoted you from.

 

Her sending snaps of the bed she will be sharing is not only beyond disrespectful, it demonstrates the one thing that all these types of people have in common.

 

It's all about them. You have nothing to do with it.

 

I think that is usually the hardest part for many of us to accept. We can go for years blaming ourselves, but in the end, we never even figured into their thought process.

 

They need what they want, and they want what they need

 

It would never register to such a person that consequences may ensue for such behavior. Their overall desire to look out for number 1 supersedes everything else, either with malicious intent or by complete and utter cluelessness (of which I think your hopefully soon to be ex falls into the latter).

 

The result is the same. Always is.

 

She will continue to sashay around the Town Square under the Parasol of Selfishness until she has consequence enough to wise up.

 

I am afraid any consequence you show her will be met with indignation and surprise. If for no other reason than she can't see beyond her own nose.

 

And no, it's not just women, plenty of men exhibit the same behaviors. Regardless of gender, the situation sucks for those exposed to it.

 

Just accept that the one to show her consequences of a concrete nature is not going to be you. It will be someone she dates down the line, because the batteries have run out on this relationship for all intents and purposes.

 

Love is a wicked game, it would be a lot less wicked if people recognized with their gut instead of their heart that such people need to be released to their destiny.

 

Just walk away. You'll be better off for it. Let her play the oblivious act on someone else.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Space Ritual

[SerPundnes]

Young man,

 

Despite an extremely lame attempt at thread jacking, you have been given solid advice.

 

I know this stuff hurts. We all do. But again, look at what I quoted you from.

 

Her sending snaps of the bed she will be sharing is not only beyond disrespectful, it demonstrates the one thing that all these types of people have in common.

 

It's all about them. You have nothing to do with it.

 

I think that is usually the hardest part for many of us to accept. We can go for years blaming ourselves, but in the end, we never even figured into their thought process.

 

They need what they want, and they want what they need

 

It would never register to such a person that consequences may ensue for such behavior. Their overall desire to look out for number 1 supersedes everything else, either with malicious intent or by complete and utter cluelessness (of which I think your hopefully soon to be ex falls into the latter).

 

The result is the same. Always is.

 

She will continue to sashay around the Town Square under the Parasol of Selfishness until she has consequence enough to wise up.

 

I am afraid any consequence you show her will be met with indignation and surprise. If for no other reason than she can't see beyond her own nose.

 

And no, it's not just women, plenty of men exhibit the same behaviors. Regardless of gender, the situation sucks for those exposed to it.

 

Just accept that the one to show her consequences of a concrete nature is not going to be you. It will be someone she dates down the line, because the batteries have run out on this relationship for all intents and purposes.

 

Love is a wicked game, it would be a lot less wicked if people recognized with their gut instead of their heart that such people need to be released to their destiny.

 

Just walk away. You'll be better off for it. Let her play the oblivious act on someone else.

 

Thank you for your respone! You have alot of wise words!

 

What is thread jacking? (english is not my native language).

[BarbedFenceRider]

I was thinking about dropping the bag off at the bagage-service at the airport. They can store bagage for you for weeks.

 

You think that's why she asked? And do you really think she's surprised by my answer?

 

----Who cares. Champagne High brother. Ditch it and quit it...

 

And pleeeeeeze, do not keep her in the wings and reply back and forth. Block and delete the number.

[Imajerk17]

Yeah, I also think she was "testing" me to see if I'd buldge.

 

She really has been horrible to me, and I can't understand how I accept it ..

 

 

I thought the idea was for you just to drop the stuff off at her place (with the key) and then be done with it. In fact I am surprised you even still have her stuff

 

Really, drop the stuff off at her place w the key and do it ASAP. That will clear a huge mental load as after that point on there will be no need of any further interaction. The longer her stuff is at your place (and you have to see it), the longer you will be thinking of how to drop her stuff off ect and so the longer you will be thinking of her. Stop stalling! Instead just clear the drama out right away.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Zahara]

I just told her to get someone to pick it up, so I don't have to see her when delivering it to her on the airport. I thought I did good?

 

You're taking the right steps forward but choosing to get there the long way. You have a key, you have her bag. Leave it at her home and make a clean break.

 

I am not sure why you're making this hard on yourself by creating more drama -- leaving the bag at baggage service at the airport?!

 

You're upset and you want to stick it to her. I know how you feel. But you're only doing yourself a disservice by dragging this out and leaving small windows open for more communication/contact. Infact, you may just want to have those small windows open because you're not truly ready to let it go. You want some sort of emotional response from her so you're dragging it out.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Zahara

[heavenonearth]

I'm sorry but I (and about every other heterosexual man out there) would NOT be OK with this if I were the boyfriend, and I would STRONGLY encourage every other guy to not be OK with this either.

 

And just the same, a woman should NOT be OK with her boyfriend sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

 

What is with the younger generation and this whole Cuddle Buddies thing? Jeeze Louize!

 

Just saying, not everyone who has opposite sex friends is also sleeping with them.

 

That aside, I certainly would not sleep in the same bed with a male friend now that I am in a relationship - simply out of respect for my partner.

 

And I also said OP likely made the right decision. It's his choice what he puts up with and what not.

[Space Ritual]

Thank you for your respone! You have alot of wise words!

 

What is thread jacking? (english is not my native language).

 

Basically what I described in my last post. lol.

 

It is neither a surprise or a secret that threads over 2 pages long tend to take a life of their own. It is the nature of the beast.

 

The goal we have here is for you to be exposed to a variety of viewpoints based on our collective experiences. Many of us (myself included) can be extremely subjective. Sometimes to the point of the thread becoming moot or off topic.

 

It is just a product of so many people expressing themselves at the same time.

 

And your English is better than mine, because I'm a 'Murican lol

[SerPundnes]

Just a quick update here.

 

I still have her stuff, I can't drop it off at her place because I can't lock her door if I leave the key inside the appartment.

 

Anyways, she has gotten really desperate now. I have told her about 10 times now that we got nothing to talk about. She called me 5 times in a row on Friday.

 

She has mentioned three times now that she wants to head home earlier from the vacation .. I have just ignored it all.

 

Her last message to me says that she really has to explain this whole situation, and she wants answers from me, and ended it with "tell me if you want me to leave earlier" ..

 

Haven't answered her, I think shes having a hard time atm.

[Imajerk17]

Just a quick update here.

 

I still have her stuff, I can't drop it off at her place because I can't lock her door if I leave the key inside the appartment.

 

Anyways, she has gotten really desperate now. I have told her about 10 times now that we got nothing to talk about. She called me 5 times in a row on Friday.

 

She has mentioned three times now that she wants to head home earlier from the vacation .. I have just ignored it all.

 

Her last message to me says that she really has to explain this whole situation, and she wants answers from me, and ended it with "tell me if you want me to leave earlier" ..

 

Haven't answered her, I think shes having a hard time atm.

 

Drop off her items at baggage service at the airport, text her back to tell her where her stuff is, and then say to her that you are done and there will be no further communication on your end and you are blocking.

 

You really need to get her baggage completely out of your care and your life ASAP (pun intended)

Edited March 11, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Zahara]

Just a quick update here.

 

I still have her stuff, I can't drop it off at her place because I can't lock her door if I leave the key inside the appartment.

 

Anyways, she has gotten really desperate now. I have told her about 10 times now that we got nothing to talk about. She called me 5 times in a row on Friday.

 

She has mentioned three times now that she wants to head home earlier from the vacation .. I have just ignored it all.

 

Her last message to me says that she really has to explain this whole situation, and she wants answers from me, and ended it with "tell me if you want me to leave earlier" ..

 

Haven't answered her, I think shes having a hard time atm.

 

 

You mentioned in one of your posts that dropping her things at her mother’s is an option. Then do that — if it gets her stuff off your hands.

 

If you’re going to end it, then relay it to her clearly and cut the cord. The silent treatment/vagueness is only going to push her to keep communicating with you. It feeds your ego and it does make you feel valuable but when she cuts contact and tires of the silence, you’re going to crash.

[sgrinaldi]

Just a quick update here.

 

Anyways, she has gotten really desperate now. I have told her about 10 times now that we got nothing to talk about. She called me 5 times in a row on Friday.

 

She has mentioned three times now that she wants to head home earlier from the vacation .. I have just ignored it all.

 

Her last message to me says that she really has to explain this whole situation, and she wants answers from me, and ended it with "tell me if you want me to leave earlier" ..

 

Haven't answered her, I think shes having a hard time atm.

 

Well, I'd like to add my 2 cents here after hearing this, because as I suspected (since I'm currently in a similar situation with my own bf), people here have been unfairly judging your gf and really misleading you here.

 

All of this shows that she really cares about you and that almost surely nothing was going on. Isn't that obvious? If she was really cheating on you she wouldn't be acting like this, she'd just let you go. I'm afraid that other people here have been projecting their own experiences into your situation, when in reality they may not apply at all.

 

You said she already planned this vacation before you were with her, so what's the big deal? So they have to sleep in the same bed, so what? That doesn't mean she's cheating on you. I have shared a bed with my guy friend many times after we've been studying together all day, just so he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor, and not once have we ever succumbed to any temptation. And that is because we are both in relationships and respect our partners. Just because someone shares a bed with someone else, out of convenience and mutual respect, that does not mean they are cheating. Not everyone lacks basic self-control to the point that sleeping in the same bed definitely equates to cheating. Perhaps that might apply to the people that are slandering this poor girl here, but it doesn't apply to everyone, I can assure you.

 

Heck, the other day my guy friend and I slept together for like over 4 hours and we even cuddled a bit, but not once did any inappropriate touching ever occur. I respect my bf too much for that, and my friend respects me too much for that, so it was all good. We are just good friends who have known each other for a long time and who have been there for each other many times, that doesn't mean we necessarily have any physical connection. And I suspect your gf has the same kind of relationship with her friend.

 

And it's plain to see by how she is acting now. I'm honestly surprised that anyone would still judge her after your last post.

[fred123]

Well, I'd like to add my 2 cents here after hearing this, because as I suspected (since I'm currently in a similar situation with my own bf), people here have been unfairly judging your gf and really misleading you here.

 

All of this shows that she really cares about you and that almost surely nothing was going on. Isn't that obvious? If she was really cheating on you she wouldn't be acting like this, she'd just let you go. I'm afraid that other people here have been projecting their own experiences into your situation, when in reality they may not apply at all.

 

You said she already planned this vacation before you were with her, so what's the big deal? So they have to sleep in the same bed, so what? That doesn't mean she's cheating on you. I have shared a bed with my guy friend many times after we've been studying together all day, just so he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor, and not once have we ever succumbed to any temptation. And that is because we are both in relationships and respect our partners. Just because someone shares a bed with someone else, out of convenience and mutual respect, that does not mean they are cheating. Not everyone lacks basic self-control to the point that sleeping in the same bed definitely equates to cheating. Perhaps that might apply to the people that are slandering this poor girl here, but it doesn't apply to everyone, I can assure you.

 

Heck, the other day my guy friend and I slept together for like over 4 hours and we even cuddled a bit, but not once did any inappropriate touching ever occur. I respect my bf too much for that, and my friend respects me too much for that, so it was all good. We are just good friends who have known each other for a long time and who have been there for each other many times, that doesn't mean we necessarily have any physical connection. And I suspect your gf has the same kind of relationship with her friend.

 

And it's plain to see by how she is acting now. I'm honestly surprised that anyone would still judge her after your last post.

 

lol ur deluded. you think its appropriate to cuddle your friend when u have a boyfriend haha. wow how women rationalise things. this post is the reason why men are confused

[Imajerk17]

Well, I'd like to add my 2 cents here after hearing this, because as I suspected (since I'm currently in a similar situation with my own bf), people here have been unfairly judging your gf and really misleading you here.

 

All of this shows that she really cares about you and that almost surely nothing was going on. Isn't that obvious? If she was really cheating on you she wouldn't be acting like this, she'd just let you go. I'm afraid that other people here have been projecting their own experiences into your situation, when in reality they may not apply at all.

 

You said she already planned this vacation before you were with her, so what's the big deal? So they have to sleep in the same bed, so what? That doesn't mean she's cheating on you. I have shared a bed with my guy friend many times after we've been studying together all day, just so he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor, and not once have we ever succumbed to any temptation. And that is because we are both in relationships and respect our partners. Just because someone shares a bed with someone else, out of convenience and mutual respect, that does not mean they are cheating. Not everyone lacks basic self-control to the point that sleeping in the same bed definitely equates to cheating. Perhaps that might apply to the people that are slandering this poor girl here, but it doesn't apply to everyone, I can assure you.

 

Heck, the other day my guy friend and I slept together for like over 4 hours and we even cuddled a bit, but not once did any inappropriate touching ever occur. I respect my bf too much for that, and my friend respects me too much for that, so it was all good. We are just good friends who have known each other for a long time and who have been there for each other many times, that doesn't mean we necessarily have any physical connection. And I suspect your gf has the same kind of relationship with her friend.

 

And it's plain to see by how she is acting now. I'm honestly surprised that anyone would still judge her after your last post.

 

Well, sgrinaldi, since you bring it up, your decision-making--where you were asking us for advice in your own situation, has been roundly criticized. Are you sure you are in any position to be offering advice

 

I mean no disrespect, I just see the mess you and your boyfriend are in, and that is what you seem to be advising for the OP. Why would any self-respecting guy possibly put up with that?

 

OP you are doing the right thing by ending this. Get her stuff out of your life ASAP and don't look back.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Imajerk17

[kendahke]

the other day my guy friend and I slept together for like over 4 hours and we even cuddled a bit

 

I'm curious: if your boyfriend was doing this with another chick, would you still be this magnanimous? I highly doubt it.

 

All of that was really bad advice and just ingredients for unnecessary drama and effery.

[lolablue17]

You handled it great! First, you communicate with her, no ultimatumes, you were very patient, you gave her many chances to change her behavior, and than when she continuted and went to this trip, you broke up with her by ignoring but not in a rude way, you did tell her to send someone to get her stuff - loud message, clear and sharp.

 

You kept you dignity and self respect. And you got a bonus - She will always feel bitter about missing the chance with you. SHe will always be sorry about her behavior, and she will always respect you (as long as she can't have you. The minute you take her back, she will stop respecting you in a second.)

Edited March 11, 2018 by lolablue17

[SerPundnes]

Well, I'd like to add my 2 cents here after hearing this, because as I suspected (since I'm currently in a similar situation with my own bf), people here have been unfairly judging your gf and really misleading you here.

 

All of this shows that she really cares about you and that almost surely nothing was going on. Isn't that obvious? If she was really cheating on you she wouldn't be acting like this, she'd just let you go. I'm afraid that other people here have been projecting their own experiences into your situation, when in reality they may not apply at all.

 

You said she already planned this vacation before you were with her, so what's the big deal? So they have to sleep in the same bed, so what? That doesn't mean she's cheating on you. I have shared a bed with my guy friend many times after we've been studying together all day, just so he wouldn't have to sleep on the floor, and not once have we ever succumbed to any temptation. And that is because we are both in relationships and respect our partners. Just because someone shares a bed with someone else, out of convenience and mutual respect, that does not mean they are cheating. Not everyone lacks basic self-control to the point that sleeping in the same bed definitely equates to cheating. Perhaps that might apply to the people that are slandering this poor girl here, but it doesn't apply to everyone, I can assure you.

 

Heck, the other day my guy friend and I slept together for like over 4 hours and we even cuddled a bit, but not once did any inappropriate touching ever occur. I respect my bf too much for that, and my friend respects me too much for that, so it was all good. We are just good friends who have known each other for a long time and who have been there for each other many times, that doesn't mean we necessarily have any physical connection. And I suspect your gf has the same kind of relationship with her friend.

 

And it's plain to see by how she is acting now. I'm honestly surprised that anyone would still judge her after your last post.

 

Well, if my GF got anything close to that kind of relationship you have with your friend, it gives me even more reason to dump her. Thanks for your 2 cents.

[sgrinaldi]

Well, if you want to throw away what appears to be an otherwise good relationship, over this one issue which merely entails having different expectations, that is your prerogative. But I can assure you from my own personal experience that just because you share a bed with someone, that does not mean you're having sex. You are assuming the worst about your gf, all the while ignoring the fact that she obviously loves you, is trying to work it out, and is willing to change, all because you're jealous and can't trust her. It's sad, really.

 

This is simply a case of having different expectations about what is and what is not appropriate in a relationship, and since she's willing to now see things your way, it's now really just a case of you not being able to trust her. And I also think it's a question of respect. She respects you enough to change, but you don't respect her enough to not think she's a slut just because she already planned a vacation with some guy before she met you and there happens to be only one bed. The vacation was already planned, she shouldn't have to cancel just because of your insecurities.

[Exformer]

Well, if you want to throw away what appears to be an otherwise good relationship, over this one issue which merely entails having different expectations, that is your prerogative. But I can assure you from my own personal experience that just because you share a bed with someone, that does not mean you're having sex. You are assuming the worst about your gf, all the while ignoring the fact that she obviously loves you, is trying to work it out, and is willing to change, all because you're jealous and can't trust her. It's sad, really.

 

This is simply a case of having different expectations about what is and what is not appropriate in a relationship, and since she's willing to now see things your way, it's now really just a case of you not being able to trust her. And I also think it's a question of respect. She respects you enough to change, but you don't respect her enough to not think she's a slut just because she already planned a vacation with some guy before she met you and there happens to be only one bed. The vacation was already planned, she shouldn't have to cancel just because of your insecurities.

 

There is no actually evidence that she loves him, that she's willing to work it out or change her behavior. All she said is that she'd come home early. Just because she got called out and is now back-peddling, that doesn't mean she'll actually improve her behavior in the future. Honestly, its more likely that she'll just hide it better instead of throwing it in his face.

 

Speaking of throwing it in his face, it speaks a great deal against her character that it took OP breaking up with her to see things his way. He spoke his concerns before this, but instead of understanding, communication and compromise, he got a photo of the bed she would be sharing with someone else and an "oh well."

[Gaeta]

Well, if you want to throw away what appears to be an otherwise good relationship, over this one issue which merely entails having different expectations, that is your prerogative. But I can assure you from my own personal experience that just because you share a bed with someone, that does not mean you're having sex. You are assuming the worst about your gf, all the while ignoring the fact that she obviously loves you, is trying to work it out, and is willing to change, all because you're jealous and can't trust her. It's sad, really.

 

This is simply a case of having different expectations about what is and what is not appropriate in a relationship, and since she's willing to now see things your way, it's now really just a case of you not being able to trust her. And I also think it's a question of respect. She respects you enough to change, but you don't respect her enough to not think she's a slut just because she already planned a vacation with some guy before she met you and there happens to be only one bed. The vacation was already planned, she shouldn't have to cancel just because of your insecurities.

 

I think you are projecting a lot of your own hope into this.

 

Having different expectations in a relationship is the death of it. When people date they have to date with a common goal and common expectations. If you don't then you are not compatible and it will not work.

 

If you have to change too much of who you are you won't be happy and the relationship isn't meant to be. Just like you should be in a college dorm and partying all your little heart desire and your boyfriend should find himself a woman his age who's done her partying all day long years.

 

And to end this: People don't change.