Red flags all over??

[ARAMCOMAN]

Dude seriously. Why are you stalling. While this woman that calls herself your GF is on a holiday with another man, sleeping in the same bed & "cuddling" and she tells you that's how it is and your contemplating whether to do something about it.

Just dump her crap inside her apartment, lock the door and drop the keys off in her mail box. You need to ghost her like right after you send her the text saying "Enjoy your holiday we r done, never attempt to contact me again". Then block & delete her number.

 

Then you can find a GF with integrity, morals & just plain common sense.

[rightondude]

Could you tell me a bit about the situation you were in? Really want to hear. PM me if that's better.

 

In college I dated a girl who lived with 3 male "friends." I had my reservations, but didn't want to "act like a dad" about it. We'd all hang out, have keg parties at their place, etc. One night at said party, I saw her in the hall going at it with one of the roommates. They didn't see me, and I didn't make a scene. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I never would have known it had ever happened, because no one ever revealed it or acted like anything had ever happened. I was an idiot back then (and sometimes now) and stayed with her for another month before she broke up with me.

 

After college I hung out with a guy who was a manager at Abercrombie & Fitch. He and the other floor models or whatever they were called were friends and he was friends with their significant others. We all partied a good bit. If there was ever a situation where the girls significant others weren't in attendance, this dude was banging them that night and then hanging out like nothing had happened the next week with said significant other. I asked him once if he was scared of any of them finding out, and he said he wasn't the only one in the group doing such. "Where do you think the significant other was that night?"

 

Oh, and finally, I have been "the best friend" before. I was an neighbor of a girl and we used to fool around in college. I moved after college to the same city she was now in. I called her up, we met up for dinner and kissed a bit. A week or so later she introduced me to her boyfriend, an older guy who raced Porsches on the weekends occasionally, as one of her good friends from college. About a month later, he was gone, we went out to a club and ended up back at his place where we slept together in his bed. They stayed together about 2 years after that. We all hung out probably 5 or 6 times after that incident. Yeah, not my proudest moment. I'm pretty sure he was fooling around on her too.

 

Maybe not apples to apples, but to me, unless you're already a dude with a lot of female friends, you won't be able to have a serious relationship with a woman with a lot of male friends.

Edited March 6, 2018 by rightondude

[SerPundnes]

She sent me an SMS earlier today telling me she finally arrived at the hotel and even started being funny: And I even got my own bathroom! ..

And that she missed me and wanted me to be there.

I haven't responded to that SMS, and don't think I will, I have no idea how to respond to it anyway ..

 

You are all right, and thank you all for helping me with this.

 

Sometimes it's hard to see for myself, and hard listening to people outside the relationship, but I'm pretty sure I know how to handle this now.

[kgcolonel]

Personally, I think radio silence is appropriate now....you need, need, need to preserve your dignity and self worth...hanging in there will do nothing positive for you. I agree with the earlier poster, drop her stuff off at her place, locking the key inside...she'll fully understand when she returns.

[Zahara]

Personally, I think radio silence is appropriate now....you need, need, need to preserve your dignity and self worth...hanging in there will do nothing positive for you. I agree with the earlier poster, drop her stuff off at her place, locking the key inside...she'll fully understand when she returns.

 

Serpundnes, this will be in your best interest. Seeing her will likely cause you to cave if she is given the chance to talk you into staying. You are in a vulnerable position.

 

Self-preservation during this time is important.

[SerPundnes]

Serpundnes, this will be in your best interest. Seeing her will likely cause you to cave if she is given the chance to talk you into staying. You are in a vulnerable position.

 

Self-preservation during this time is important.

 

Yes, I think you are right.

 

I feel so hopeless, because I don't want to send her a text saying I'm done, because then I'm starting to think about her having sex with her friend on their vacation .. Although, she might be doing that already ..

 

I feel so weak, haha ..

 

I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.

[Zahara]

Y

I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.

 

Then do that if it helps you cut the tie to her. I think at this point you should be reflecting on your past relationships and you should use that to motivate you to break the cycle of staying with unhealthy partners.

[BluesPower]

Yes, I think you are right.

 

I feel so hopeless, because I don't want to send her a text saying I'm done, because then I'm starting to think about her having sex with her friend on their vacation .. Although, she might be doing that already ..

 

I feel so weak, haha ..

 

I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.

 

Yes you are being weak...

 

It really is time to man up and dump her, yesterday.

 

And when you dump her, block her, because she will say what is up???

 

Why, I did not sleep with him. And if you believe that you are a fool.

 

She is banging him morning, noon and night. I mean let's be real.

 

Dude, you have to end this and reclaim your self respect...

[gbe2015]

Then do that if it helps you cut the tie to her. I think at this point you should be reflecting on your past relationships and you should use that to motivate you to break the cycle of staying with unhealthy partners.

 

Is it a lot of stuff? If not, ship it & txt her the tracking #, say goodbye & good luck and block her.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Just curious, do you think I'm to blame here aswell? As I didn't mention that I was uncomfortable with it til yesterday.

 

The last few weeks I really haven't thought about it much, but yesterday it all really hit me, espacily when she sent me the snap of the bed they were gonna share ..

 

^^This just sealed the deal. Who in the F*ck takes a picture of the humping bed?! I mean....Seriously!

 

She is on the C*ck carousel and you are the social janitor there to get the clean up duty...Hell no. Bail my friend.

[kendahke]

Yes, I think you are right.

 

I feel so hopeless, because I don't want to send her a text saying I'm done, because then I'm starting to think about her having sex with her friend on their vacation .. Although, she might be doing that already ..

 

I feel so weak, haha ..

 

I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.

 

Do this.

 

You're not weak. The fact you're here and not sitting around waiting on her next phone call or text says that you're far from weak.

 

Everyone feels unsure of a good decision when they want to take a destructive course because of the familiarity of it, but give it a few months and you'll see that it was the best decision you've ever made in your young life.

 

In the future, you will be able to smell this effery from 500 paces and know how to avoid it.

[BarbedFenceRider]

The second I read "they spoon," was the second I determined this relationship with this "friend" is more than "friend." Let me ask you this, OP. In your life experience and with people you know, how many platonic friends spoon? Do you spoon with any of your platonic friends? Do you spoon with your buds? Do any of your dude friends spoon with each other? Do you spoon with your guy friends if ever you end up sleeping in the same bed? Do you think that if you're taking a trip and you have to share a room and a bed with your guy friend, you'll snuggle up and spoon?

 

That's your answer.

^^I missed this post! Hilarious. The mental movie taking place right now is just killing me. ROFL!!!!

 

"Hey guys, the wife's working late yet again...Wanna come over and watch Law and Order? We can spoon..." Bwhahaahha

[heavenonearth]

I went on vacation with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.

Nothing happened. He’s like a brother to me. There is no sexual attraction between us. He has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.

My boyfriend likes my best friend and vice versa. I like my best friend’s girlfriend and vice versa. Everyone gets along great.

 

I think you can not generalize these things and have to evaluate these sort of relationships on a case to case basis. But truly some people of the opposite sex really are just friends - and that’s it.

 

She may overshare about her past relationships and that’s a bit weird. But i have in the past done that as well and it speaks more about emotional openness and a bit naïveté rather than “red flag” or instability

 

I really think that if you do not trust your girlfriend then you may not have much of a future. But i would not forbid her to have a best friend or go on the vacation with her best friend - it’s her life.

 

Most people on this forum are very conservative when it comes to same sex friendships opposite. But it depends on each and every individual person.

 

 

Edit: just read the rest of the thread and - wow, i am amazed by the sheer herd mentality. There is literally zero proof that this girl is cheating on him.

I mean yeah - it’s his choice if he wants to be with someone who decides to go on a vacation with a opposite sex friend - but to vilify this woman calling her a liar and cheater without proof - that goes a bit too far.

For what it’s worth, she may just be enjoying her vacation with her friend, truly missing her boyfriend.

Edited March 7, 2018 by heavenonearth

[Exformer]

I went on vacation with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.

Nothing happened. He’s like a brother to me. There is no sexual attraction between us. He has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.

My boyfriend likes my best friend and vice versa. I like my best friend’s girlfriend and vice versa. Everyone gets along great.

 

I think you can not generalize these things and have to evaluate these sort of relationships on a case to case basis. But truly some people of the opposite sex really are just friends - and that’s it.

 

She may overshare about her past relationships and that’s a bit weird. But i have in the past done that as well and it speaks more about emotional openness and a bit naïveté rather than “red flag” or instability

 

I really think that if you do not trust your girlfriend then you may not have much of a future. But i would not forbid her to have a best friend or go on the vacation with her best friend - it’s her life.

 

Most people on this forum are very conservative when it comes to same sex friendships opposite. But it depends on each and every individual person.

 

 

Edit: just read the rest of the thread and - wow, i am amazed by the sheer herd mentality. There is literally zero proof that this girl is cheating on him.

I mean yeah - it’s his choice if he wants to be with someone who decides to go on a vacation with a opposite sex friend - but to vilify this woman calling her a liar and cheater without proof - that goes a bit too far.

For what it’s worth, she may just be enjoying her vacation with her friend, truly missing her boyfriend.

 

People are just basing their opinion on their own experiences, much like you are. Sure, you had a friend that you didn't sleep with, even though the two of you went on vacation together. But it seems that most people have experienced the less honest version.

 

Your friend is also in a relationship, which I'm guessing isn't the case here. You also have a relationship dynamic established with your guy's girlfriend. And can you say that no one was ever jealous at any point but just put up with it anyway? What steps did you take to make sure your boyfriend was comfortable with your relationship with your guy?

 

I have a girl who is friend and we went on a couple vacations too...and we hooked up the whole time. We did that off and on as long as we've known each other depending on the serious of other relationships. Guys and girls have been uncomfortable with our relationship...and some of that was founded.

 

This girl has a judging guy friend who is spooning her in bed later tonight. They have made zero effort to establish trust and friendship between the guy friend and the boyfriend. She knows her boyfriend is uncomfortable with it and yet has only poked at his jealousy instead of doing anything reassuring. She makes comments about getting spooned by a guy who is nothing but a stranger to her boyfriend. Red Flag

 

This guy sees the flags and doesn't trust this girl...as he shouldn't, since she's done nothing to build that trust.

[heavenonearth]

People are just basing their opinion on their own experiences, much like you are. Sure, you had a friend that you didn't sleep with, even though the two of you went on vacation together. But it seems that most people have experienced the less honest version.

 

Your friend is also in a relationship, which I'm guessing isn't the case here. You also have a relationship dynamic established with your guy's girlfriend. And can you say that no one was ever jealous at any point but just put up with it anyway? What steps did you take to make sure your boyfriend was comfortable with your relationship with your guy?

 

I have a girl who is friend and we went on a couple vacations too...and we hooked up the whole time. We did that off and on as long as we've known each other depending on the serious of other relationships. Guys and girls have been uncomfortable with our relationship...and some of that was founded.

 

This girl has a judging guy friend who is spooning her in bed later tonight. They have made zero effort to establish trust and friendship between the guy friend and the boyfriend. She knows her boyfriend is uncomfortable with it and yet has only poked at his jealousy instead of doing anything reassuring. She makes comments about getting spooned by a guy who is nothing but a stranger to her boyfriend. Red Flag

 

This guy sees the flags and doesn't trust this girl...as he shouldn't, since she's done nothing to build that trust.

 

 

I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.

Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.

I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.

[Gaeta]

Lets put aside the fact she is travelling with a male friend for a moment and look at the rest of the relationship.

 

She is surrounded by males, her best friend is male, her room mate is male and she is chummy with her ex and is planning on meeting him this summer. All this make OP feel less of a man. He doesn't feel 'special' as a boyfriend should. He feels like he's just another dude revolving around her and he's feeling like this only 3 months into dating her. For that only he should break up and find a better suited partner.

[act00]

I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.

Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.

I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.

 

They spoon. That, and he is the one that gets to judge whether or not her current boyfriend is "worthy" and warned him that this snuggle buddy might be sullen and rude as he is making his assessment...just so ya' know.

 

If your BF and your friend's GF are totally okay with you and your guy friend sharing a room, sharing a bed, and spooning and snuggling, all the power to you. I would say a majority of the people have a hard "no" on that one.

 

She is very descriptive of all her past sexual antics and snuggles with a teddy bear her ex gave her and made it very clear of such, and is planning to meet another ex (or the same one, who knows). We're not talking about one uncomfortable and sketchy incident, we're talking about many, and I think most people aren't so much vilifying her, as much as they're saying this girl isn't for you and she's a bit on the immature side with few boundaries. Maybe some dude will come along and be totally okay with flirting, snuggling, and spooning, and having all kinds of admiring orbiters around.

 

At no point is she taking measures to create a trustful set of circumstances. She's going about life like "this is just how I am, take it or leave it," which is fine, and the OP should probably leave it. After she loses one or two boyfriends she's genuinely interested in over this behavior, maybe she'll realize that these loose boundaries aren't really working and she'll make a change. Or not.

[rightondude]

lol ... spooning with buddies ... reminds me of this line from the Steve Martin/John Candy classic:

 

"Del, where are your hands?"

 

"Between two pillows!"

 

"THOSE ... AREN'T ... PILLOWS!"

[heavenonearth]

They spoon. That, and he is the one that gets to judge whether or not her current boyfriend is "worthy" and warned him that this snuggle buddy might be sullen and rude as he is making his assessment...just so ya' know.

 

If your BF and your friend's GF are totally okay with you and your guy friend sharing a room, sharing a bed, and spooning and snuggling, all the power to you. I would say a majority of the people have a hard "no" on that one.

 

She is very descriptive of all her past sexual antics and snuggles with a teddy bear her ex gave her and made it very clear of such, and is planning to meet another ex (or the same one, who knows). We're not talking about one uncomfortable and sketchy incident, we're talking about many, and I think most people aren't so much vilifying her, as much as they're saying this girl isn't for you and she's a bit on the immature side with few boundaries. Maybe some dude will come along and be totally okay with flirting, snuggling, and spooning, and having all kinds of admiring orbiters around.

 

At no point is she taking measures to create a trustful set of circumstances. She's going about life like "this is just how I am, take it or leave it," which is fine, and the OP should probably leave it. After she loses one or two boyfriends she's genuinely interested in over this behavior, maybe she'll realize that these loose boundaries aren't really working and she'll make a change. Or not.

 

OP said his Gf mentioned that her and her friend once spooned.

Doesn’t mean they are doing that now - especially since she is in a relationship now. Spooning with another person when you’re in a relationship is kinda a no go, isn’t it.

[kendahke]

I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.

Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.

I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.

 

You're making this thread into an indictment against you when your situation and OP's situation are a universe apart. We're choosing not to be her apologist.

 

she said "when you meet him, don't be afraid that he is not talking too much with you, because he is observing you to see if you're a good match for me".

 

she told me "we are traveling around, so I don't know if we got seperate rooms or even seperate beds in all places, but that dosen't matter".

 

she just sent me a snap of the room with a queen bed where she and her friend will be sleeping, and added "We didn't get seperate beds wich we asked about .. oh well".

 

she kept being nasty to me and telling me how I have to trust her and it's totally normal to do this ..

 

She just hung up the phone in the end ..

 

Did you do any of this with your boyfriend? That's what makes your situation non sequitur to this one.

 

She's got a funky attitude about this which she's using to torment OP. That's why she's being dragged.

 

This friend of hers' feelings are way more important to her than her own boyfriend. The fact that his approval is needed and she runs to him whenever she and OP have a disagreement also makes this situation different from yours.

[Sundra1]

These things alone would not be too much cause for alarm, but all these things together!? I could pick apart little things here and there like other people above have done, but my biggest concern is that there are so many things, and they all revolve around holding onto relationships with other men that were more than platonic.

This girl sounds like she has some serious insecurity issues, and I would guess daddy issues. Trust me, you want out of this one. If you play it smart, she may come to you when she is ready for something, but one thing I can tell you for now is no matter what she says, she is not ready for a relationship. Get out early and preserve your relationship or ride it out and I am sure you will not be happy with the result.

[BarbedFenceRider]

That many guys and there is NOOOOO sex? Riiiight. And I have some beachfront property here in Arizona as well....lol

 

She has guys lined up like the bullets in a magazine. Or the pins in a bowling match. Or books with the Dewey decimal system. You get the point....

[SerPundnes]

These things alone would not be too much cause for alarm, but all these things together!? I could pick apart little things here and there like other people above have done, but my biggest concern is that there are so many things, and they all revolve around holding onto relationships with other men that were more than platonic.

This girl sounds like she has some serious insecurity issues, and I would guess daddy issues. Trust me, you want out of this one. If you play it smart, she may come to you when she is ready for something, but one thing I can tell you for now is no matter what she says, she is not ready for a relationship. Get out early and preserve your relationship or ride it out and I am sure you will not be happy with the result.

 

Again, thank you all! Your opinions, experiences and thoughts matter to me!

 

I haven't responded to any of her texts the last three days. But she just sent me a message saying "It would be nice if you answered so I know if I have to get someone to pick up my bag at your place".

 

My response: Yeah, get someone to pick up your bag.

 

I feel some kind of relief, at the same time I feel like puking .. All I can think about now is that she ignores me and thinks "oh well, now I'll definitely have sex with my best friend! Screw him!" ..

[BarbedFenceRider]

Hey man sex is sex. Let it go. You did outstanding! No just ghost her...That will be the Achilles heel for her. She is an attention addict. And by leaving a giant vacuum to suck on will knock her down a peg or two. Really.

 

Now, 1 more text so you don't have to see her. Or the simp who is willing to go retrieve her sh*t. Tell her you are leaving it outside by the mail or something...Not your drama anymore...

[Imajerk17]

I went on vacation with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.

Nothing happened. He’s like a brother to me. There is no sexual attraction between us. He has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.

My boyfriend likes my best friend and vice versa. I like my best friend’s girlfriend and vice versa. Everyone gets along great.

 

I think you can not generalize these things and have to evaluate these sort of relationships on a case to case basis. But truly some people of the opposite sex really are just friends - and that’s it.

 

She may overshare about her past relationships and that’s a bit weird. But i have in the past done that as well and it speaks more about emotional openness and a bit naïveté rather than “red flag” or instability

 

I really think that if you do not trust your girlfriend then you may not have much of a future. But i would not forbid her to have a best friend or go on the vacation with her best friend - it’s her life.

 

Most people on this forum are very conservative when it comes to same sex friendships opposite. But it depends on each and every individual person.

 

 

Edit: just read the rest of the thread and - wow, i am amazed by the sheer herd mentality. There is literally zero proof that this girl is cheating on him.

I mean yeah - it’s his choice if he wants to be with someone who decides to go on a vacation with a opposite sex friend - but to vilify this woman calling her a liar and cheater without proof - that goes a bit too far.

For what it’s worth, she may just be enjoying her vacation with her friend, truly missing her boyfriend.

 

 

I'm sorry but I (and about every other heterosexual man out there) would NOT be OK with this if I were the boyfriend, and I would STRONGLY encourage every other guy to not be OK with this either.

 

And just the same, a woman should NOT be OK with her boyfriend sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

 

What is with the younger generation and this whole Cuddle Buddies thing? Jeeze Louize!

Edited March 8, 2018 by Imajerk17