The Home Date

[Els]

He gave me his last name, he has a lot of his business on social media, he knows some people I am acquainted with (don't know personally, but have met out and about town) He text me his address for a safety precaution as well so I felt safe.

 

I have heard of girl's bf assaulting them. I mean you really can never know with people, a couple more dates wouldn't alleviate that,

 

but I just can't live my life that way, fearful of men. It wouldn't be a fun life to live at all.

 

Maybe I'm wrong though

 

There is a HUGE, HUGE difference between not inviting a stranger whom you've only met once to your house, and "living life in fear of men"! If people tell you it's not a good idea to put on a blindfold and wander through the main streets of the city, are you going to say, "Oh, I can't live my life that way, in fear of traffic, it wouldn't be a fun life to live"???

 

Why are you so insistent on doing it at your house? You can absolutely meet new men AND be relatively safe doing so, by meeting them in a public place...

[lana-banana]

There is a HUGE, HUGE difference between not inviting a stranger whom you've only met once to your house, and "living life in fear of men"! If people tell you it's not a good idea to put on a blindfold and wander through the main streets of the city, are you going to say, "Oh, I can't live my life that way, in fear of traffic, it wouldn't be a fun life to live"???

 

Why are you so insistent on doing it at your house? You can absolutely meet new men AND be relatively safe doing so, by meeting them in a public place...

 

I have noticed what seems to be a lot of black and white thinking on the OP's part: dates are either at home or involve helicopters and five-course tasting menus, you can either have men at your house all the time or live in fear like a wounded animal, either you want to just have fun or you have to get married immediately, etc. Cookies, you seem reluctant to acknowledge there's a vast middle ground that involves making safe, reasonable and responsible decisions.

 

I would love to help you and give you good advice---you are one of the sharpest and funniest people here in other people's threads---but it's hard to know what to say. You know from experience this guy is extremely clingy and obsessive, you don't trust him to NOT stalk you, but you don't see why hanging out at home could possibly be a bad idea. Then you say you do totally trust him, he's been normal for a few days (???), you aren't planning to have sex, you don't really know what you want and you might cancel anyways, you aren't asking about this guy but more generally, etc. Sometimes it's hard to believe you're saying things in good faith.

 

Home dates may mean sex to most people, but the bigger issue for me is that they mean intimacy, and I don't give that intimacy to near-strangers. As you said, a person's home provides a lot of detail about how people live and what they value. I wouldn't give a stranger that level of access to my personal life; I also wouldn't let a date into my house unless I thought we were building a real connection.

[lovephule]

Why are you so insistent on doing it at your house? You can absolutely meet new men AND be relatively safe doing so, by meeting them in a public place...

 

It’s his house. That way not only does he feel at home, he feels like she trusts him and lets his guard down emotionally even more, with the added bonus of his not being able to physically find her after she cuts and runs.

[joseb]

Op, can you answer one question, please.

 

What is the point of meeting this guy "one more time"

 

I can only imagine doing something like that if I or the other person was leaving the country, and/or we both wanted a NSA hookup, one and done.

 

And we Both were happy with that, and knew it was a one time thing.

[Cookiesandough]

I saw it as a NSA with no hookup. What is so wrong with wanting to have fun and spend a night with the opposite sex. What's so wrong with wanting to connect with someone for an evening? There's nothing wrong with hanging out and enjoying the company of someone you find attractive for one night and never seeing them again. There's no commitment and no assumption they want to see me again either.

 

I did commit to a date and I ****ed myself. He texted me asking me if we could casually see each other. I specifically remember he used the word casual. I figured it's just a date, I'll make it cheap, he'll have fun, what could go wrong?

 

Well today he called and I told him I would stay the night Friday (Why??????Why did I do that???) and get brunch in the morning. But I told him to know that there will not be any sex lol. I know guys see that as "*challenge accepted* , just need to get the shield down and it's an easy fight" But guess what? I told him and he said fine. Therefore, I have absolved myself of any responsibility of "leading him on". Tough ***s for him. Still, that's a good 20 hours or so he has to try. And 20 hours I have to spend with him if I do this... I'm honestly not even sure if I'm attracted to him anymore.

 

After I agreed, like the idiot I am, to stay the night,he went on this long jabber about he is tired of casual at his age and he just wants a normal couple like his mom and dad/sis and bro in law, how he's never had that, drudged up all this tmi about past relationship failings, how he's said he's tired of meeting girls who fit the physical requirements but not the mental or the mental but not the physical. Basically, the same stuff you hear on here which made me feel bad... He said the biggest issue he's been having is that people seem to not know what they want and he knows exactly what he wants. I think he was mocking me.

 

Basically, nothing he says has any veracity or consistency and he is nuts without shame. He is like the male equivalent of me but physically better looking.

 

So now I just ****ed myself again. I'm in a pickle. Chances are extremely high I will cancel our date and block him. Very, very high. The way I'm looking at it, this is truly the best course of action from a teleological standpoint. I know I'm "such a horrible person" because that is my shtick around here I suppose, but I am just an idiot. I wish people would see that idiot and horrible person often look similar.

 

 

I feel if I do go I am going to probably end up spending the night in misery, fending off advances, sneaking out of his house when he falls asleep, then blocking him. So outcome will ultimately be the same.

 

Anyway, I appreciate you guys trying to help.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Jj66]

And... I didn't see that one coming. Scratching my beard trying to take this all in.

Edited February 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cookiesandough]

And... I didn't see that one coming. Scratching my beard trying to take this all in.

*dredged

Yeah, I just want to update one last time to say that I have blocked this guy and deleted his number (he was already blocked/deleted on apps). This one is done and I already feel a huge wave of relief already

 

Thank you all for help

Edited February 7, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[joseb]

I saw it as a NSA with no hookup. What is so wrong with wanting to have fun and spend a night with the opposite sex. What's so wrong with wanting to connect with someone for an evening? There's nothing wrong with hanging out and enjoying the company of someone you find attractive for one night and never seeing them again. There's no commitment and no assumption they want to see me again either.

 

There are two things wrong.

 

1. You are messing with someone else who is a real person with emotions that didnt sign up for this mucking around. They think its a date. With potential.

 

2. You are playing tease, saying verbally you dont want sex, while in every other way indicating that you really really do.

[lana-banana]

Did you tell him your date was cancelled, or did you just block him everywhere?

Edited February 7, 2018 by lana-banana

[No_Go]

*dredged

Yeah, I just want to update one last time to say that I have blocked this guy and deleted his number (he was already blocked/deleted on apps). This one is done and I already feel a huge wave of relief already

 

Thank you all for help

 

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? Now do you realize this is a dangerous behavior? I’d be livid if I plan a night, sleepover and brunch with someone and they block me then. He’s too, I’m sure. AND he’s unstable and you know it.

 

You know, send him some message explaining what happened (even if it is just ‘I got scared and can’t do it’) and then move on.

[hotpotato]

Does anyone still believe in literally Netflix and chilling? The reason I ask is because a guy asked me to dinner for our 2nd date and I am thinking of bouncing back the idea of coming to hang at his place again and getting take out instead.

 

House dates are fun. Hear me out. If you're as nosey as I am you love to see how people live. (He had all these 1800's medical jars.) Plus there's spotify so you can sing/dance and a TV you can watch/play video games. I feel like a lot of people are more open and conversations are deeper in that environment.

 

A few people here said home date automatically mean sex/dtf. No exceptions. and that going and not putting out is being a D tease. This hasn't exactly been my experience. Without going into detail two guys told me they didn't do hookups and tried absolutely nothing on me when I came over. I've seen other users here have similar experiences. Another one was pretty persistent, but accepted it when I said it was too soon.

 

I am a vet at gently turning down sex advances. The problem is I don't want to make them feel bad or create resentment. I don't want to "lead them on". I don't really know what I want from this guy just yet. I just feel like home dates are so much more intimate, and I don't mean just physically.

That sounds like playing with fire. I've never had a guy not try to have sex with me if i went home with him. I've had men become irate. Unfortunately, not every man will take no for an answer. Be safe.