The Home Date

[Cookiesandough]

Oh and thank you for the kind words, highandry,

 

 

Smiley. I will not give him my last name or address, but I was thinking of coming over again. Maybe you're right though. Gosh I don't know.I suppose I better keep looking and just forget about him. But now we're talking. Aggh, Thanks

 

Im going to let it go. I cant think about it anymore

Edited February 4, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

I actually need to stop obsessing over every little thing like this. I feel like having advice available is causing me dissect everything (not that I blame anyone), whereas if I were on my own, I would just let things happen. Probably do horrible damage to myself andothers in the process, but at least I wouldn't spend so much time panicked and thinking about each little thing. I need to just stop. Probably even stop dating. I'm really sorry.

Edited February 4, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Highndry]

I actually need to stop obsessing over every little thing like this. I feel like having advice available is causing me dissect everything (not that I blame anyone), whereas if I were on my own, I would just let things happen. Probably do horrible damage to myself andothers in the process, but at least I wouldn't spend so much time panicked and thinking about each little thing. I need to just stop. Probably even stop dating. I'm really sorry.

 

Nothing to apologize for, you're just here anonymously like everybody else using the place as a sounding board. Don't beat yourself up.

[FilterCoffee]

I actually need to stop obsessing over every little thing like this. I feel like having advice available is causing me dissect everything (not that I blame anyone), whereas if I were on my own, I would just let things happen. Probably do horrible damage to myself andothers in the process, but at least I wouldn't spend so much time panicked and thinking about each little thing. I need to just stop. Probably even stop dating. I'm really sorry.

 

Hey Cookies,

 

You’ve heard both sides to it. Only you know this guy well enough to be able predict how the date will go. Trust your judgment and go along with it. Now get some sleep

[Eternal Sunshine]

I actually enjoy going out and doing things in early stages of dating. Home dates bore me, plenty of time for that later.

 

The only time I had a home date with no sex, was when I said upfront that I can come over but I am not ready to take things "further". He said that's totally cool and then still attempted to have sex

[No_Go]

Yes, you were exactly who I was referring to. You had a long date with a guy at his home and there was absolutely 0 intimate contact (same with me on one of my dates with guy who bbq'd for us)

 

I don't know if that was your intentions when you invited him over, but a lot of people just see a home date as a cozy place. They don't have sex at the front of their mind 24/7. Yes, even men. It's probably at the back of their mind, but I'm glad to see more people are down with the home date. No I wouldn't phrase it to them as 'Netflix and Chill'.xD I understand.

 

The thing is when a guy says "We can just kiss. I just want to be next to you, hug you, and kiss you. We don't have to do anything" whether that is BS or not, when he says that, I think he is asking for it. He is bringing the D tease upon himself? Not my fault

 

In our case I was hoping to escalate (to kiss) but likely not to sex. It would have been skipping too many steps.

 

The guys you refer to are p***y teasers. They do it on purpose. Obviously after hours of making out and clothes coming off sex is inevitable.

 

But home dates give so much more. You can see what the person is like, how they live, have them be more relaxed, and have better chance to develop emotional intimacy.

[KBob]

Well OP, I am not sure why you are even asking us in the first place. I mean, it is pretty clear that (we all told you to run from this guy before and you had not, plus your past history on here) you won't take our advice anyway

 

So all I can say is good luck and be careful

 

Wow, get over yourself. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions, she doesn't have to do what you want her to do.

 

Cookies, you've heard what a lot of people have to say on the subject. Now it's time to do what YOU want to do. If you want to go screw the guy on the second date, go have fun. If you want to go have a house date with him and not have sex, go have fun. It's YOUR decision.

[2much4]

I really like home dates. I don't do them anymore though, unless I'm sure I want to have sex.

 

Had a scary experience, now I don't think it's worth it putting my security at risk for a bit of comfort.

[d0nnivain]

It is theoretically possible for 2 adults to have a home date & not have sex. Unfortunately at this stage of your life I don't think it's possible for you to have a successful home date with a guy.

 

You don't have clear boundaries other than no sex but you are willing to put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. He's probably a perfectly normal person but if you trust him so little that you won't even give him your last name, how can you justify being alone with him in his house? That makes no sense.

 

Can't he tell I'm awkward and not DTF?? I can change that perception though if I try hard enough.

 

No. Some men think that simply because you showed up you are dtf. He may perceive awkwardness as a cat & mouse game. There is this thing that women do -- usually out of immaturity & inexperience -- where they giggle & say "no" but they are really hoping the guy pushes so they can absolve themselves from responsibility & be like "oh, it just happened." I did messed up stuff like that in my teens. I failed to own my decisions about sex. When I finally learned that I was in the driver's seat & that it was OK if I wanted sex & I enjoyed, thereby making it my decision, I always felt better in the morning, even if it was a short term fling.

 

I don't feel I l-bomb. What if you get to know them and you fall in love, come over, and you find out they have the grodiest toilet you've ever seen?

 

You may not feel that you love bomb somebody but the rest of us see that clear as day from what you post. Your boundaries aren't as clear as you think & then you end up with guy's like that one who pestered you with texts for days afterward.

 

What I'm suggesting is that because your boundaries aren't as rigid or appreciable you more than some need the artificial boost of public dates.

 

I had poor boundaries when I was younger & a high sex drive which is a dangerous combo. So I played head games with myself to keep them enforced. I'd wear old ugly undies on early dates so I'd be too embarrassed to get naked. I wouldn't go on dates to private places with flat surfaces -- anybody's house, parking in the car, moonlit walks on beaches etc.

 

Don't make things harder more awkward by sending mixed messages.

 

And really if he has a gross toilet either clean it or hire a housekeeper. My husband had the most disgusting bathroom ever. I still married him. I just didn't pee at his apartment.

 

I won't lead him on. As a matter of fact, a few days ago he messaged asking if we could casually date as our schedules allow. It's casual, NSA, can leave at any time. I do like him I just don't think I want to see him after this. Which is normal. We have been on one date! We text tonight and would you believe he asked me for my last name. I told him I'm not ready for that because of previous experiences.

 

Casual dating means casual sex to some people. I can't reiterate enough -- if you don't trust him enough to give your last name you have absolutely no business going to his house.

[BaileyB]

Donnivain is so right. If you don't trust him enough to share your last name, you have no business going to his house...

 

Casual dating means casual sex.

 

Boundaries, my friend. You need to develop some healthy boundaries with men.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It would be very unwise to go to this lunatic’s house or give him your address.

 

She already went to his house on the first date and could barely get away. He was begging her to sleep over, then bombarded her with texts after she got home.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I actually need to stop obsessing over every little thing like this. I feel like having advice available is causing me dissect everything (not that I blame anyone), whereas if I were on my own, I would just let things happen. Probably do horrible damage to myself andothers in the process, but at least I wouldn't spend so much time panicked and thinking about each little thing. I need to just stop. Probably even stop dating. I'm really sorry.

 

I agree with obsessing over every little thing. To me, the most troublesome part is that you're going into knowing you have no plans to see him again. So you're going to do the same thing to him this time that you did the first time, and I just don't see the point. He's going to be even MORE into you the second time, and despite how he said you can "casually date" he doesn't actually MEAN that for himself. This guy is REALLY into you, and he only said that to keep you from running away on him again.

[BaileyB]

She already went to his house on the first date and could barely get away. He was begging her to sleep over, then bombarded her with texts after she got home.

 

It's THAT guy... Oi yoi yoi!

[d0nnivain]

She already went to his house on the first date and could barely get away. He was begging her to sleep over, then bombarded her with texts after she got home.

 

 

Cookiesanddough

 

If this home date is with this texting guy -- NO, NO, NO. This man is already so much more into you then you are into him. Going to his house for a date is borderline cruel. You are really gonna hurt this guy.

 

If you want to keep it causal & you don't want a relationship with him, please stop playing with his emotions. You'd be furious if somebody hurt you the way you are planning to hurt him.

[BaileyB]

Cookiesanddough

 

If this home date is with this texting guy -- NO, NO, NO. This man is already so much more into you then you are into him. Going to his house for a date is borderline cruel. You are really gonna hurt this guy.

 

Or, he could be more than just hurt by the situation. He could become really frustrated and really angry with the mixed signals you are sending. If things don't go the way he expects them to go... Well, you could find yourself in a potentially dangerous situation... Why would you put yourself in this kind of situation?

 

If you know what he wants and you have no intention of giving it to him, you shouldn't play with people's emotions this way. It's not kind and it won't be appreciated.

Edited February 4, 2018 by BaileyB

[phineas]

Remember what happened the last time you went to a guy's house, Cookies? I think you should stick to going out somewhere. If YOU are the one suggesting a Netflix and chill evening, the guy is definitely going to think you're "dtf" as they say.

 

yep.

I cannot remember the last time a woman who I was talking to suggested coming to my place and she didn't want sex.

[preraph]

Cookies, it can happen to anyone, even "seasoned" women, if you know what I mean and I think you do. When I was in my upper 20s I brought a guy home I'd seen around the usual hangouts who was part of an extended crowd. You'd think if there was something about him, I'd have heard, but I never heard a word, before or after.

 

We came to my apartment. His personality entirely changed and in a very sick and sinister way, and he began blocking the exit so I couldn't leave. I had no phone and the neighbors didn't speak English and I didn't know them at all. I was very street smart at that time and also knew a lot about abnormal psychology, as it was called in those days before criminal psychology. I assumed because he was part of the crowd I was used to and knew a bunch of, that he must be okay. I was wrong. He had a bad script in his head he was determined to make me play out.

 

Another time a temporary younger roommate brought home two younger guys to my place and one of them started freaking out saying he was from another planet and that so was I and he could tell by my eyes, and he began worshipping me like a goddess because he decided I must be his leader or something. It was spooky that first night, because it was almost as if the wind was blowing in my apartment. Very weird energy. During his worshipful times, I would come home after the bars closed to find him sitting on a car outside just to catch a glimpse of me. Then one time he ended up inside again and got real rowdy and manic, and had to kick him out. This was a perfectly attractive young man. His friend he was with was asked about this later, seeing if he knew what was wrong with him and he had never seen any of this schizo behavior.

 

Not as germane but another Mars story: I went backstage while my friends were on one night, and their special guest, a one-hit wonder form the psychedelic 60s was back there alone, Roky Erickson. Roky was schizophrenic and also started with the Mars stuff with me, but I found he was pretty easy to distract with a beer. He played with my friends that night. They had found him and their manager was trying to rehab him. But that night he got lost in the song and the guys had to play his part for him.

 

Just be careful. There's criminals and then there's people with mental health issues, bless their hearts, and some of them (not Roky) look perfectly normal and mostly act perfectly normal until they find a target/victim.

 

Keep someone around on these early dates. Also have a plan.

[smackie9]

omg I'm so glad I'm married............

[Popsicle]

Great, so I'm the only one in this thread who's going to bring up sexual assault? Sigh.

[Jj66]

I cannot remember the last time a woman who I was talking to suggested coming to my place and she didn't want sex.

 

My experience too.

 

He's going to completely misread her level of interest. Misleading and hurtful to him at a minimum, potentially dangerous to her at the worst.

[fieldoflavender]

I think you need to kind of talk about it if it's super early on. I guess I had bad judgement and went to this dude's house on the 2nd date and then we had a home date on the 3rd. But I mean I had a bit more info about this guy - he wasn't a complete stranger and we're in the same field. Not that it makes it better, but I guess it turned out okay. I would say the average guy will interpret it as netflix and chill early on, but it really really depends on the guy.

 

Maybe selection bias - but the 3 guys I did this with ever (gone to their home as part of a date, two of which were my boyfriends at the time), none pressured me to do anything I did not want. But I could see it going the other way and I never went to a guy's house if I didn't feel comfortable.

 

So I guess I don't really know, but it depends on the person?

[BaileyB]

I think you need to kind of talk about it if it's super early on. I guess I had bad judgement and went to this dude's house on the 2nd date and then we had a home date on the 3rd. But I mean I had a bit more info about this guy - he wasn't a complete stranger and we're in the same field. Not that it makes it better, but I guess it turned out okay. I would say the average guy will interpret it as netflix and chill early on, but it really really depends on the guy.

 

Maybe selection bias - but the 3 guys I did this with ever (gone to their home as part of a date, two of which were my boyfriends at the time), none pressured me to do anything I did not want. But I could see it going the other way and I never went to a guy's house if I didn't feel comfortable.

 

So I guess I don't really know, but it depends on the person?

 

Why take the chance though? Better to be safe, than sorry...

[GuitarGuy7]

Does anyone still believe in literally Netflix and chilling? The reason I ask is because a guy asked me to dinner for our 2nd date and I am thinking of bouncing back the idea of coming to hang at his place again and getting take out instead.

 

 

 

 

 

If you don't want sex, you need to let him know beforehand. You need to make it clear that you don't want any sex, just getting to know him. Otherwise he's going to come out frustrated. He's going to see you as a tease, he's going to feel like you manipulated him.

[Simple Logic]

Does anyone still believe in literally Netflix and chilling? The reason I ask is because a guy asked me to dinner for our 2nd date and I am thinking of bouncing back the idea of coming to hang at his place again and getting take out instead.

 

House dates are fun. Hear me out. If you're as nosey as I am you love to see how people live. (He had all these 1800's medical jars.) Plus there's spotify so you can sing/dance and a TV you can watch/play video games. I feel like a lot of people are more open and conversations are deeper in that environment.

 

A few people here said home date automatically mean sex/dtf. No exceptions. and that going and not putting out is being a D tease. This hasn't exactly been my experience. Without going into detail two guys told me they didn't do hookups and tried absolutely nothing on me when I came over. I've seen other users here have similar experiences. Another one was pretty persistent, but accepted it when I said it was too soon.

 

I am a vet at gently turning down sex advances. The problem is I don't want to make them feel bad or create resentment. I don't want to "lead them on". I don't really know what I want from this guy just yet. I just feel like home dates are so much more intimate, and I don't mean just physically.

 

I would not have a second date in my home.

[Streetlight23]

I generally like the house dates as well but I think it only works when you are exclusive or much further down the line. In the early stages, you are still getting to know each other and dates need to be fun and exciting. The house date puts alot of pressure on the relationship right off the bat.

 

From a guys perspective, typically when a women invites a man over to her house, 1 of 2 things are going to happen. He is going to wonder what the intentions are and what he should do and whichever choice he makes will dictate the rest of the relationship.

 

Say he thinks "shes inviting me over to have sex" I better make a move or she will think I am not interested in her and that will earn me a one way ticket to the friendzone.

 

If he thinks "she is not inviting me over for sex" and goes over with that intention, he is already going to feel like "just a friend" which is an awful feeling to have on a 2nd date.

 

Its a no win situation for a guy with a girl he just started dating.