The Home Date

[Cookiesandough]

Yea exactly. I don't want him to invest too much bc I not seeing him after this. & im just making out with him one last time maybe. Can't a sister please

 

But points taken about home dates...

 

Even though they are kind of all over the place. I feel like there's also plenty of time to go out and do stuff too. I don't get why it's so important.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[clia]

I'm personally not a fan of the home date early on in a relationship. I just don't think it's safe, particularly if you are a person like OP who is afraid to even give this guy her last name. OP doesn't even seem to be talking about the guy cooking her dinner or anything more "date-ish" like that. Just show up, order take out, and watch TV or play video games or something. That just seems so boring to me. There are plenty of things to do outside of the house with a new person that don't require elaborate planning or fanciness, which offer the opportunity to have a conversation and get to know the other person.

 

After the relationship is more established, I see no problem with staying home, cooking dinner, or ordering take out sometimes, but in the early days of the relationship it seems like you should be out doing things. You have the rest of your lives to sit at home on the couch together.

 

But whatever floats your boat, cookies. We know you will end up cancelling the date anyway, so I'm not sure that it matters.

[MaleIntuition]

If that's your only motivation to clean, then no wonder home-dates cost you more effort

 

Clearly the solution must be to have more home dates to keep everything pristine 24/7 . My point is that it’s really zero “effort” to take a girl out to a restaurant.

[Gaeta]

Yea exactly. I don't want him to invest too much bc I not seeing him after this. & im just making out with him one last time maybe. Can't a sister please

 

Cookie: Sweetie listen.

 

Inviting a man home = sex in a man's mind

 

Inviting a man home and making out with him = sex in a man's mind

 

Inviting a man home and making out with him but not wanting to go all the way = In man's mind If I push it she will want ... and that's how date-rape happens.

 

If you don't want to have sex then do NOT invite a stranger in your home thinking he'll respect your *no* when you give him one.

 

If you want to have sex then have it, and be clear with him that's all you want.

[Cookiesandough]

I think I trust this guy not to hurt me. I don't trust him not to come to my house after googling my name to ask me on a date. Happe before. It's 2 very diff things

[Gaeta]

I think I trust this guy not to hurt me.

 

Just fell off my chair. You *THINK* you trust him. Where exactly did he build that trust in you?? He's a stranger. You have no clue if he has a criminal record.

[Cookiesandough]

Just fell off my chair. You *THINK* you trust him. Where exactly did he build that trust in you?? He's a stranger. You have no clue if he has a criminal record.

 

He gave me his last name, he has a lot of his business on social media, he knows some people I am acquainted with (don't know personally, but have met out and about town) He text me his address for a safety precaution as well so I felt safe.

 

I have heard of girl's bf assaulting them. I mean you really can never know with people, a couple more dates wouldn't alleviate that,

 

but I just can't live my life that way, fearful of men. It wouldn't be a fun life to live at all.

 

Maybe I'm wrong though

[Lorenza]

Clearly the solution must be to have more home dates to keep everything pristine 24/7 . My point is that it’s really zero “effort” to take a girl out to a restaurant.

 

How about taking her out to a vegan restaurant and a jazz club afterwards when you're a meat eater and hate jazz? And then stop by a karaoke bar and let her push you on a stage to awkwardly sing "Love me tender" when you have no pitch whatsoever ? That's effort

 

Edit: it's from an actual date I've been on

[Cookiesandough]

Who says you have to know what you want? So you don't - just go with the flow. Don't impose on yourself to define what this is or what it should be, just make it spending time with someone you like and nothing else. No analyzing, no naming, no defining.

 

No need to tell the guy there won't be sex - just don't have sex! and don't do anything that could lead to sex, simple. You met him ONCE for goodness sake, there is no need to 1. define it 2. have sex.

 

Forget about a home date. Get you butt off the couch, make yourself sexy and go out. Make an effort and stop opting for the path of least resistance.

 

Gaeta, you said this when I asked if I should set boundaries before the date. I am a bit confused on advice. Do I go with the flow (next dates I have with a guy and draw the boundary on the date) or do I not to a guy's house at all until I want to have sex with him (Gosh this sounds awful)?

[clia]

I think I trust this guy not to hurt me. I don't trust him not to come to my house after googling my name to ask me on a date. Happe before. It's 2 very diff things

 

Why are you wanting to see a guy who psycho text bombed you after your first date and who you are seemingly worried might go bunny boiler on you?

[littleblackheart]

I think I trust this guy not to hurt me. I don't trust him not to come to my house after googling my name to ask me on a date. Happe before. It's 2 very diff things

 

The hopeful / slightly idealist / autistic me would tell you to go with your gut. How long will it take for us women to stop modelling our behaviour to what a man would or wouldn't do? Why is home-date on date 2 even an issue beyond personal preferences? Why can't it be normal to go to a guy's house with these unwritten rules hanging over our heads?

 

But the rational me would say that the time for garanteed danger-free home-dates hasn't yet come (will it ever), and that keeping it on the safe side is probably better than getting into an unnecessarily messy situation.

[Lorenza]

Why are you wanting to see a guy who psycho text bombed you after your first date and who you are seemingly worried might go bunny boiler on you?

 

Is it the same guy?????

[Cookiesandough]

Nevermind that, it's mostly a question about the notions men have about home dates and sex. And if it's okay to go on a home date and not have sex.

 

The reason being I like home dates even when I don't want to have sex with the person (yet).

 

Seems like the consensus is adults can't do this. Baffling, but informative.

[Imajerk17]

Why are you wanting to see a guy who psycho text bombed you after your first date and who you are seemingly worried might go bunny boiler on you?

 

No kidding.

 

OP, I say this with all kindness, but does it ever occur to you how bizarre your decision-making is overall. I mean, talk about freaking out about "nothing" (the other guys you cut-n-run from) and then completely overlooking huge issues (this guy)!

 

I don't see this ending well.

[preraph]

Don't know if anyone said this, as I didn't read the whole thread, but another risk of early house dates is...well, becoming too lazy. Is it comfortable, easy, and cheap? Yes. But does it send a message that the guy doesn't need to try and come up with something special for you? I think so. Don't be this convenient girl who comes to his house like some delivery service. Let him take you out, that way you'll learn things about him as well. Everyone can cook some food and open a bottle of wine at home. But not everyone will put effort organizing something fun for the evening. You'll find out just how much he listened to you and what you like. If a guy figures my love for jazz and takes me to a jazz club, I'll be impressed.

Just my opinion.

 

You're absolutely right. There aren't many guys who will say no to a woman coming to their home and having sex and no other expectations. This is how you end up with someone who just looks upon you as convenient but feels there's no need for commitment or treating you well.

[Cookiesandough]

No kidding.

 

OP, I say this with all kindness, but does it ever occur to you how bizarre your decision-making is overall. I mean, talk about freaking out about "nothing" (the other guys you cut-n-run from) and then completely overlooking huge issues (this guy)!

 

I don't see this ending well.

 

If I showed you a pic you'd understand. I wish I never his likeness to that character, because it does him no justice at all.

 

But it's not even that. He's not that bad. He hasn't texted me in like 3 days. He's definitely more normal now. I am only seeing him one more time and I also have new dates lined up. Don't see what the big deal is, but ty. This is mostly so I am informed about early house dates for the future.

[preraph]

You're absolutely right. There aren't many guys who will say no to a woman coming to their home and having sex and no other expectations. This is how you end up with someone who just looks upon you as convenient but feels there's no need for commitment or treating you well.

 

I think I trust this guy not to hurt me. I don't trust him not to come to my house after googling my name to ask me on a date. Happe before. It's 2 very diff things

 

If I'm understanding what you're saying, that he's pushy, that's exactly who you can't trust.

[No_Go]

I'm still not getting the whole dilemma - yeah, of course there may be home dates without sex, and of course the signals are very different.

 

If I don't want sex to happen: 1) I would avoid heavy make out / hands below the waist or in the chest area 2) stay fully clothed 3) stay in the living room not bedroom 4) actually have substance-filled conversation, the more serious the less of a mood it creates

 

With these 4 conditions unless the guy is a rapist, he won't do anything. Btw I'm apparently pretty good at giving 'stay away' signs even when I want them badly - I need tips in the opposite direction aka how to get them in bed faster

 

Nevermind that, it's mostly a question about the notions men have about home dates and sex. And if it's okay to go on a home date and not have sex.

 

The reason being I like home dates even when I don't want to have sex with the person (yet).

 

Seems like the consensus is adults can't do this. Baffling, but informative.

[Lorenza]

I'm still not getting the whole dilemma - yeah, of course there may be home dates without sex, and of course the signals are very different.

 

If I don't want sex to happen: 1) I would avoid heavy make out / hands below the waist or in the chest area 2) stay fully clothed 3) stay in the living room not bedroom 4) actually have substance-filled conversation, the more serious the less of a mood it creates

 

With these 4 conditions unless the guy is a rapist, he won't do anything. Btw I'm apparently pretty good at giving 'stay away' signs even when I want them badly - I need tips in the opposite direction aka how to get them in bed faster

 

Well, then don't avoid heavy make out, wear revealing clothes, go straight for the bedroom and have insubstantial conversations, what's the problem? :lmao:

[No_Go]

Well, then don't avoid heavy make out, wear revealing clothes, go straight for the bedroom and have insubstantial conversations, what's the problem? :lmao:

 

The problem is I need to change my personality to do this If I like the guy - I'm waaaaaaay too nervous to do it The more I like the guy, the more nervous I get, the more serious the conversation gets. I remember with a guy that I really liked we spoke about funerals for a couple of hours, just because I liked him - all that I could blurb about were murders, diseases and dead people.

[olivetree]

If I showed you a pic you'd understand. I wish I never his likeness to that character, because it does him no justice at all.

 

But it's not even that. He's not that bad. He hasn't texted me in like 3 days. He's definitely more normal now. I am only seeing him one more time and I also have new dates lined up. Don't see what the big deal is, but ty. This is mostly so I am informed about early house dates for the future.

 

What's his celebrity doppleganger?

 

I don't get seeing a guy "one more time".

 

I know it's like a fun social experiment for you, but what about him?

Edited February 5, 2018 by olivetree

[CptInsano]

Seems like the consensus is adults can't do this. Baffling, but informative.

 

No, that's not what that means. I'm sure 95% are perfectly fine with this and will mean no harm. It's the outcome of meeting the 5% that can't handle this situation that is bad enough not to take the chance.

 

But back to home dates in general. I also dislike them because I can sit at home all day. Getting dressed, going out, trying something new is fun in itself, and you get that from a regular date.

[Lorenza]

The problem is I need to change my personality to do this If I like the guy - I'm waaaaaaay too nervous to do it The more I like the guy, the more nervous I get, the more serious the conversation gets. I remember with a guy that I really liked we spoke about funerals for a couple of hours, just because I liked him - all that I could blurb about were murders, diseases and dead people.

 

Haha, I'm exactly same! I was once on a date and our conversation topics ranged from plagues in Europe and medieval hygiene to WWII, nuclear war and North Korea. He took me to such a romantic place, poor thing. We were sitting in a cozy little spot above a beautiful evening panorama of the city and I was talking about the bubonic plague

[Jj66]

You absolutely can have a guy over or go over to his place without having sex. You need to trust him, and be good at enforcing your boundaries, needless to say. What you can't do is invite yourself over to his place because that sends the wrong message if you actually aren't wanting to get physical.

[justwhoiam]

In my experience, no topic is no go, but talking about other men. That's generally a big turn-off. Anything else is fine, if the guy is in the mood, whatever topic won't change it.