The Home Date

[phineas]

If you don't want sex, you need to let him know beforehand. You need to make it clear that you don't want any sex, just getting to know him. Otherwise he's going to come out frustrated. He's going to see you as a tease, he's going to feel like you manipulated him.

 

Yeah women have told me that also before they came over and when I didn't make a move all night, they did and we had sex. lol!

 

so like I said, when a woman wants to come to my place it's for sex regardless of what she says before hand.

[LoverOfDance]

Everyone keeps exchanging opinions. Isn't anyone concerned that cookies hasn't said a word today, after her date last night? I hope she's ok.

[fieldoflavender]

I generally like the house dates as well but I think it only works when you are exclusive or much further down the line. In the early stages, you are still getting to know each other and dates need to be fun and exciting. The house date puts alot of pressure on the relationship right off the bat.

 

From a guys perspective, typically when a women invites a man over to her house, 1 of 2 things are going to happen. He is going to wonder what the intentions are and what he should do and whichever choice he makes will dictate the rest of the relationship.

 

Say he thinks "shes inviting me over to have sex" I better make a move or she will think I am not interested in her and that will earn me a one way ticket to the friendzone.

 

If he thinks "she is not inviting me over for sex" and goes over with that intention, he is already going to feel like "just a friend" which is an awful feeling to have on a 2nd date.

 

Its a no win situation for a guy with a girl he just started dating.

 

What's wrong with just making out? Why does it have to go to sex?

 

I'm fine with making out and 2nd base stuff but not really ready for sex until a bit later or at least exclusive in a relationship.

 

When I was earlier in dating before my current ex, I preferred no kissing until exclusive, but now if I'm attracted, whatever, I can kiss. I just don't want to have sex before exclusive.

 

It's hard to get physical in public, and you COULD in a car, but that's uncomfortable. That's why going to someone's place could be good for that.

 

Anyways I invited this guy over after dinner. We both have to work the next morning. I doubt we are going to have sex. Well I don't plan on it and I don't think he will expect it. I do want to get somewhat physical if the chemistry is there. But I guess we shall see.

 

And I hope you are okay cookies, let us know!

[Cookiesandough]

Everyone keeps exchanging opinions. Isn't anyone concerned that cookies hasn't said a word today, after her date last night? I hope she's ok.

 

Yes thank you. I am safe. I really appreciate the concern I have just decided to go a not spam the boards with my trifles. . The date was set for next weekend: I may not go because I feel like I’m already in to deep with this guy by kissing (clothed). I haven’t a clue what I want. I’m hoping I just haven’t found the right person....

 

I thought about canceling or telling him beforehand that I want to hang with him but there won’t be any sex, not til I know him better, if he’s still cool with that? But that’s pointless. He will probably say he is, and probably be disappointed when nothing happens. :[i’ll probably just apologize and cancel/block....as usual...

 

Thanks guys x you really did help. I’ll be more careful next time/hold off on house dates

Edited February 5, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[heavenonearth]

Home dates are ok but Netflix and chill seems boring so early on - don’t you want to get to know the person? How will you do so if you just watch something without being able to talk?

 

I would hate this.

 

With my boyfriend, our first date was at a Cafe and the second date was him coming to my city. We went to the beach and once it or dark we went to my house. We cooked and then talked and played board games and slept together. Next day we went for a walk and talked more and went out for dinner and cooked more and spent time on my roof and talked and played games and slept together.

Oh and the third date we did the same things.

 

No TVs involved. We started watching tv after maybe 6 dates in.

There was just too much to talk about.

[Streetlight23]

What's wrong with just making out? Why does it have to go to sex?

 

I'm fine with making out and 2nd base stuff but not really ready for sex until a bit later or at least exclusive in a relationship.

 

When I was earlier in dating before my current ex, I preferred no kissing until exclusive, but now if I'm attracted, whatever, I can kiss. I just don't want to have sex before exclusive.

 

It's hard to get physical in public, and you COULD in a car, but that's uncomfortable. That's why going to someone's place could be good for that.

 

Anyways I invited this guy over after dinner. We both have to work the next morning. I doubt we are going to have sex. Well I don't plan on it and I don't think he will expect it. I do want to get somewhat physical if the chemistry is there. But I guess we shall see.

 

And I hope you are okay cookies, let us know!

 

It doesn't always have to lead to sex. I think its more about being on the same page. The house date can lead to pretty much anything and could be interpreted in so many ways so the odds of being on the same page is slim unless its stated in the beginning but even that can be a mixed bag. Someone could say no sex but one thing could lead to another and it happens.

 

Thats why I think it works best when a relationship has been established and some of the pressure of what should happen is taken away. If there is sex, great! Chemistry is there and it works. If no sex, no big deal, no one has to worry about "why didn't we have sex?" because you both already know you are together and it doesnt need to happen every time.

[No_Go]

Home dates are ok but Netflix and chill seems boring so early on - don’t you want to get to know the person? How will you do so if you just watch something without being able to talk?

 

I would hate this.

 

 

Yeah but you don't really need to watch the movie If you are out - yeah, but at home - it can be just a background noise

[lana-banana]

Home dates are totally inappropriate early on. Homes are intimate and personal; nobody should be inviting someone they hardly know to their place to snoop around. I also agree with heavenonearth that in the early days you should be spending all your time talking and getting to know each other. You don't bond by watching a movie or making out! You bond by having conversations and spending time together and learning about what you have in common, what your goals are, and so forth.

 

Cookies, when you say "I don't know what I want" that's a huge red flag. It's fine to just want casual company or mindless sex or a future husband who will give you 1.9 kids and a picket fence. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want! But when you don't know what you're looking for, you are all but guaranteeing that your situation will be full of all sorts of miscommunication and drama---and that's the best-case scenario. When you're involving a guy who per your own telling is clingy and unstable, someone is going to get hurt. And not in an adorable Taylor Swift way of "tee hee, I broke your heart". It's going to be messy and ugly and sad.

 

You are already thinking of cancelling. I get the sense that you are less into home dates for their own value and more into extremely low-effort ways to spend time with someone. What I don't understand is why. Why are you thinking about going home with someone who's already proven himself unable to grasp relationship boundaries? Why do you keep jerking people around like this?

[Cookiesandough]

Jeez. It still boggles my mind. "One thing leads to another" is so interesting when used in this context. Like sex is a logical consequence of being at the home of someone you are attracted to. You know, you're talking, and one thing leads to another... "Oopsies! Well, would you look at that. Your penis slipped into my vagina. Doggonit. I guess I could move. No wait, just go ahead and start thrusting"

 

What on Earth? I have been so blind. The blinders have been removed, the light is too much. My whole life I have seen sex on a COMPLETELY Sdifferent stratum then talking or even heavily kissing. There's more than one thing that would have to lead to another. There's a freaking lot.Clothes, positions, muscle resistance. I'm not going to get more detailed than that, but most of all a mental shift???? I have never thought, modus ponens, that because one of my friends had a date in with a guy they necessarily bang'd. My innocence...shattered.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

Yeah especially in this society of consent (like even if you're dying for it the guy need to ask for it 20 times and notarially sign it so you don't sue him 30 years down the line) I don't understand why people are sooooooooo scared of home dates. Yes there is a risk. There is a risk also someone will rape or assault you in a bar or movie theater or on the street. The only way to eliminate risk is to never interact with anyone.

 

What maddens me is that women are represented as innocent victims, all virgins or at least celibate (even if they banged a small city), and guys - like predators going out there to 'get them'.

 

Also I don't see what's wrong in figuring out what you want on the way. People evolve and their desires as well, and the desires occasionally morph depending on the environment & other party involved. I can say the whole fakeness of "I want husband" or 'I want bang tonight' or 'I want activity partner' made me nearly want to resign from the whole dating carousel. Thanking my lucky starts there are people with more fluid approach out there and they happen to find me

 

Jeez. It still boggles my mind. "One thing leads to another" is so interesting when used in this context. Like sex is a logical consequence of being at the home of someone you are attracted to. You know, you're talking, and one thing leads to another... "Oopsies! Well, would you look at that. Your penis slipped into my vagina. Doggonit. I guess I could move. No wait, just go ahead and start thrusting"

 

What on Earth? I have been so blind. The blinders have been removed, the light is too much. My whole life I have seen sex on a COMPLETELY Sdifferent stratum then talking or even heavily kissing. There's more than one thing that would have to lead to another. There's a freaking lot.Clothes, positions, muscle resistance. I'm not going to get more detailed than that, but most of all a mental shift???? I have never thought, modus ponens, that because one of my friends had a date in with a guy they necessarily bang'd. My innocence...shattered.

[heavenonearth]

Yeah but you don't really need to watch the movie If you are out - yeah, but at home - it can be just a background noise

 

I'd prefer music!

[Gaeta]

The date was set for next weekend: I may not go because I feel like I’m already in to deep with this guy by kissing (clothed). I haven’t a clue what I want. I’m hoping I just haven’t found the right person....

Who says you have to know what you want? So you don't - just go with the flow. Don't impose on yourself to define what this is or what it should be, just make it spending time with someone you like and nothing else. No analyzing, no naming, no defining.

 

I thought about canceling or telling him beforehand that I want to hang with him but there won’t be any sex, not til I know him better, if he’s still cool with that?

No need to tell the guy there won't be sex - just don't have sex! and don't do anything that could lead to sex, simple. You met him ONCE for goodness sake, there is no need to 1. define it 2. have sex.

 

Forget about a home date. Get you butt off the couch, make yourself sexy and go out. Make an effort and stop opting for the path of least resistance.

[Gaeta]

I don't understand why people are sooooooooo scared of home dates.

 

It's not about being scared it's about skipping dating steps and opening your most private space to a stranger. Personally I see my home as my sanctuary. It's the place I have built with a lot of work and love, It's where I feel safe physically AND emotionally. Opening my home to a man is the same as opening my life and heart. A man has to *deserve* to be invited to my home, my place is not a windmill for different male strangers to come in and out. I view bringing a man to my home for a 1st or 2nd date as me not respecting my own roof.

[No_Go]

It's not about being scared it's about skipping dating steps and opening your most private space to a stranger. Personally I see my home as my sanctuary. It's the place I have built with a lot of work and love, It's where I feel safe physically AND emotionally. Opening my home to a man is the same as opening my life and heart. A man has to *deserve* to be invited to my home, my place is not a windmill for different male strangers to come in and out. I view bringing a man to my home for a 1st or 2nd date as me not respecting my own roof.

 

I see what you're saying, but I feel like

1) If I want to date a guy - I WANT to open my heart to him

2) Deserving to be 'let in' goes both ways: I want win the guy's trust&love exactly as much as other way round.

 

A side note: our difference could stem from different dating strategies, if I was going on dates with more than my current limit of 2-3 guys per year, I'd be more uneasy for home dates too... Actually that's my main reason to keep the numbers very low - it gives a better chance to develop trust/intimacy

[Streetlight23]

Jeez. It still boggles my mind. "One thing leads to another" is so interesting when used in this context. Like sex is a logical consequence of being at the home of someone you are attracted to. You know, you're talking, and one thing leads to another... "Oopsies! Well, would you look at that. Your penis slipped into my vagina. Doggonit. I guess I could move. No wait, just go ahead and start thrusting"

 

What on Earth? I have been so blind. The blinders have been removed, the light is too much. My whole life I have seen sex on a COMPLETELY Sdifferent stratum then talking or even heavily kissing. There's more than one thing that would have to lead to another. There's a freaking lot.Clothes, positions, muscle resistance. I'm not going to get more detailed than that, but most of all a mental shift???? I have never thought, modus ponens, that because one of my friends had a date in with a guy they necessarily bang'd. My innocence...shattered.

 

When said like this, I totally agree with you. If a guy forces the issue, this could be seen as borderline non-consensual. This isn't what I meant by "one thing leads to another". It could be as simple as slight making out and then she starts taking my clothes off or she takes off hers. There was a time when I went to use the bathroom and come back and shes in bed naked. That time that happened, I had NO intention to have sex and thought she was on the same page and then she did this. A situation like this would never arise at a restaurant haha.

 

Back to the subject, for a house date, if a woman does the inviting, the ball is totally in her court. She will dictate how the date will go. It cant be left up to the guy because he will have no idea whats appropriate or not. When I say this, I am thinking about a guy that actually respects women and is not someone just trying to get laid. If hes just trying to get laid, any invite over is an opportunity to try to sleep with her.

[heavenonearth]

It's not about being scared it's about skipping dating steps and opening your most private space to a stranger. Personally I see my home as my sanctuary. It's the place I have built with a lot of work and love, It's where I feel safe physically AND emotionally. Opening my home to a man is the same as opening my life and heart. A man has to *deserve* to be invited to my home, my place is not a windmill for different male strangers to come in and out. I view bringing a man to my home for a 1st or 2nd date as me not respecting my own roof.

 

I really think it depends on the person. I remember the last guy I dated before my boyfriend, I didn't want to show him my house until 6 dates in.

 

My boyfriend was allowed in my home on the second date.

 

It depends on the level of comfort you feel with a person. It should be decided on a case by case basis.

 

But certainly should not be pushed, if something does not feel right!

[Gaeta]

I see what you're saying, but I feel like

1) If I want to date a guy - I WANT to open my heart to him

2) Deserving to be 'let in' goes both ways: I want win the guy's trust&love exactly as much as other way round.

 

After 1 date of a couple of hours you do not know enough of a person to conclude you want to *open your heart to him, or *want to win his trust.

 

We women can talk ourselves into believing a home date is innocent and practical but in the mind of 80% of male out there it sends a different signal. Not only a signal of being open for sex but a signal you are slack on your own personal boundaries.

[Gaeta]

I really think it depends on the person. I remember the last guy I dated before my boyfriend, I didn't want to show him my house until 6 dates in.

 

My boyfriend was allowed in my home on the second date.

 

It depends on the level of comfort you feel with a person. It should be decided on a case by case basis.

 

But certainly should not be pushed, if something does not feel right!

 

You invited him to your house after your 2nd date, you did not invite him to drive to your home as your 2nd date.

[heavenonearth]

You invited him to your house after your 2nd date, you did not invite him to drive to your home as your 2nd date.

 

True but I kinda knew... I did tell him to bring a toothbrush! LOL

 

But also, a gentleman will not ask but wait to be asked (which I did, and then he said yes in the most humble way)....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

But certainly should not be pushed, if something does not feel right!

 

And also probably not if you never intend to see them again.

[Els]

I only read the opening post...

 

I love "at-home" dates, but they don't replace "going out" dates in my view. In a long-term relationship, I need and want both types. In a new relationship/casual dating, I would strongly prefer "going out" dates until we both get to the stage where we're more comfortable with each other and know each other better.

 

Each to their own, of course.

[Lorenza]

Don't know if anyone said this, as I didn't read the whole thread, but another risk of early house dates is...well, becoming too lazy. Is it comfortable, easy, and cheap? Yes. But does it send a message that the guy doesn't need to try and come up with something special for you? I think so. Don't be this convenient girl who comes to his house like some delivery service. Let him take you out, that way you'll learn things about him as well. Everyone can cook some food and open a bottle of wine at home. But not everyone will put effort organizing something fun for the evening. You'll find out just how much he listened to you and what you like. If a guy figures my love for jazz and takes me to a jazz club, I'll be impressed.

Just my opinion.

[amaysngrace]

True but I kinda knew... I did tell him to bring a toothbrush! LOL

 

But also, a gentleman will not ask but wait to be asked (which I did, and then he said yes in the most humble way)....

 

Maybe that's the key then. She should invite him to a date at her house, not his?

[No_Go]

After 1 date of a couple of hours you do not know enough of a person to conclude you want to *open your heart to him, or *want to win his trust.

 

Ok, but isn't it the same for them? I mean why should they want to make themselves vulnerable to you if you keep your guards up? We live in a society of equality but seems like it doesn't count in dating?....

 

I personally don't agree to go out on a date unless I know I am interested in the person. I'd be very upset if guys take me out on dates without knowing are they interested on first place (yes, it's harder with OLD but written communication style for me has been always the huge tell tale sign if I'd like the guy)

[No_Go]

Don't know if anyone said this, as I didn't read the whole thread, but another risk of early house dates is...well, becoming too lazy. Is it comfortable, easy, and cheap? Yes. But does it send a message that the guy doesn't need to try and come up with something special for you? I think so. Don't be this convenient girl who comes to his house like some delivery service. Let him take you out, that way you'll learn things about him as well. Everyone can cook some food and open a bottle of wine at home. But not everyone will put effort organizing something fun for the evening. You'll find out just how much he listened to you and what you like. If a guy figures my love for jazz and takes me to a jazz club, I'll be impressed.

Just my opinion.

 

Your date get *exactly the same* out of the date as you do. You get their company, they get yours.

 

I don't see how realistically someone will be genuinely excited to ipmress a complete stranger, would you do it for the guy? Like research all his interests and go out of your way to woo him on date 1 or 2?