The Home Date

[CptInsano]

Maybe that's the key then. She should invite him to a date at her house, not his?

 

I always found that equally awkward. I normally want to get to know a person a little better first. Even as a guy you have no idea what to expect when she invites you to her place.

[amaysngrace]

I always found that equally awkward. I normally want to get to know a person a little better first. Even as a guy you have no idea what to expect when she invites you to her place.

 

It wasn't that way for heaven on earth. Did you read her posts?

 

She says a gentleman waits to be asked. Her story is cute.

[Gaeta]

Ok, but isn't it the same for them? I mean why should they want to make themselves vulnerable to you if you keep your guards up? We live in a society of equality but seems like it doesn't count in dating?....

Having a few dates outside your home is not keeping your guards up, it's getting to know someone before you open your home to him. It's common sense. No one is vulnerable yet. It won't make a difference to him (or you) if the home-date happens on the 3rd or 4th date but at least you'll have enough time to asses the man (and him you).

 

I personally don't agree to go out on a date unless I know I am interested in the person. I'd be very upset if guys take me out on dates without knowing are they interested on first place (yes, it's harder with OLD but written communication style for me has been always the huge tell tale sign if I'd like the guy)

Having an interest in someone is just that, having an interest. You don't have to make yourself vulnerable and open the safety of your home to show him you're interested. The fact you answer his calls and you accept his date is enough of a show of interest.

 

Also, you'll know much more about someone by going out with them then by having them over for 2nd date. While you're out with him you can see how he treats others, the waitress, how he treats you in public, his demeanor, his manners, does he pick the bill, etc.

 

I'd much rather discover a man is a jerk while on a date then discover it while he's in my home.

[CptInsano]

It wasn't that way for heaven on earth. Did you read her posts?

 

She says a gentleman waits to be asked. Her story is cute.

 

Yeah, I read her story. It just never turned out for me that way. I perceived the home dates more or less a preview of a familiarity that wasn't really there yet. I probably should have pushed back, but didn't want to appear uninterested.

[Miss Spider]

Your date get *exactly the same* out of the date as you do. You get their company, they get yours.

 

I don't see how realistically someone will be genuinely excited to ipmress a complete stranger, would you do it for the guy? Like research all his interests and go out of your way to woo him on date 1 or 2?

 

Yeah, I agree. Grandiose dates never appealed much to me. In fact, I find them to be a bit of a turn off. Try hard? Strong agenda. I almost always suggest something more low key when it's brought up. Unless it's something spur of the moment and spontaneous. I just prefer low key! Just my style. I think a walk in the woods with like with your dude followed by cuddles at home is so much preferable 5 course meal wine tasting and a ride in his chopper to the opera.

[Lorenza]

Your date get *exactly the same* out of the date as you do. You get their company, they get yours.

 

I don't see how realistically someone will be genuinely excited to ipmress a complete stranger, would you do it for the guy? Like research all his interests and go out of your way to woo him on date 1 or 2?

 

Paying attention to details isn't going out of your way. Besides, interests are usually listed in their profile already and it's quite normal to discuss those on the very first day of chatting. What's so hard about noticing the type of music someone likes (or activity, or whatever else) and putting in a few extra minutes in checking out/booking the venues. It's not throwing a lasso around the moon to bring it down

[Lorenza]

Yeah, I agree. Grandiose dates never appealed much to me. In fact, I find them to be a bit of a turn off. Try hard? Strong agenda. I almost always suggest something more low key when it's brought up. Unless it's something spur of the moment and spontaneous. I just prefer low key! Just my style. I think a walk in the woods with like with your dude followed by cuddles at home is so much preferable 5 course meal wine tasting and a ride in his chopper to the opera.

 

Still can't see how taking a girl out is a grandiose date, but to each his own.

[Els]

Yeah, I agree. Grandiose dates never appealed much to me. In fact, I find them to be a bit of a turn off. Try hard? Strong agenda. I almost always suggest something more low key when it's brought up. Unless it's something spur of the moment and spontaneous. I just prefer low key! Just my style. I think a walk in the woods with like with your dude followed by cuddles at home is so much preferable 5 course meal wine tasting and a ride in his chopper to the opera.

 

You don't just have to choose between 5 course meal + opera and watching TV at home, though... plenty of options in between those two extremes!

 

Dates out don't have to be "grandiose". I daresay most people who prefer going-out dates aren't having the degustation menu at a black tie restaurant most of the time either! They do however take a bit more effort than vegging out at home, of course.

[Miss Spider]

You don't just have to choose between 5 course meal + opera and watching the TV at home, though...

 

Dates out don't have to be "grandiose". I daresay most people who prefer going-out dates aren't having the degustation menu at a black tie restaurant most of the time either! They do however take a bit more effort than vegging out at home, of course.

 

No, I completely agree!!! I was just went on a slight tangent with No_Go's "impress you" comment, because I have known men to try to do stuff like that and it was a turn off. I was not referring to the comments here from people saying they prefer to go out to dinner/movie/arcade/ice skating/show vs home date.

[No_Go]

Paying attention to details isn't going out of your way. Besides, interests are usually listed in their profile already and it's quite normal to discuss those on the very first day of chatting. What's so hard about noticing the type of music someone likes (or activity, or whatever else) and putting in a few extra minutes in checking out/booking the venues. It's not throwing a lasso around the moon to bring it down

 

Ok, sure, if it comes to OLD - I'd fin it thoughtful if the guy has checked my interests and makes the date revolve around something I like. I'd do the same for him.

[Lorenza]

You guys have misunderstood my comment then. To impress someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to hire a string quartet and buy a dozen roses. I meant that someone took notice of something you like and put in a little bit of heart into organizing a date. It's not a negative thing.

Also, in case it's the right person, you'll have years of spending time at home.

[lana-banana]

Yeah, I agree. Grandiose dates never appealed much to me. In fact, I find them to be a bit of a turn off. Try hard? Strong agenda. I almost always suggest something more low key when it's brought up. Unless it's something spur of the moment and spontaneous. I just prefer low key! Just my style. I think a walk in the woods with like with your dude followed by cuddles at home is so much preferable 5 course meal wine tasting and a ride in his chopper to the opera.

 

Surely you don't believe all dates are this black and white? Most people go out to dinner, go mini-golfing, attend lectures or concerts, and so on. One of the best dates I've had with my husband was in our own city. He sought out a few of the smallest, most overlooked monuments (some statues and small parks I'd never heard of) and we had a nice little walking tour, discussing the history of the city, and finished the night with Burmese food. Is that "grandiose"? I think you are wilfully overlooking nuance here as a means of justifying your stance.

[No_Go]

Yeah, I agree. Grandiose dates never appealed much to me. In fact, I find them to be a bit of a turn off. Try hard? Strong agenda. I almost always suggest something more low key when it's brought up. Unless it's something spur of the moment and spontaneous. I just prefer low key! Just my style. I think a walk in the woods with like with your dude followed by cuddles at home is so much preferable 5 course meal wine tasting and a ride in his chopper to the opera.

 

Yeah.... the agenda, even if with good intentions, screams insecurity so badly, it's a turn off. I mean it tells me 1) the guy is insecure 2) he doesn't think I'll like what he is so he needs to jump hula hoops to entertain me.

 

Low key IMO takes the attention from the venue and puts it on the person. The last 'low key' one I had was quite possibly the best one showing me so much about the person & our interaction: we had the peace and quiet to talk, we had fun racing each other, we were bonding over our love for animals, we had a 'scary' situation to overcome and aw each other's reactions over stress. I don't think a black tie date would give the chance for the same. (Btw I'm not against black tie events - but with people - partners or friends I have an established relationship with - THEN we can enjoy the venue without trying to 'gain data' about each other).

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had bad experiences with guys that planned grandiose dates. I naturally thought they really liked me. But both times it happened, one was 2 timing me and the other expected me to perform some sexual acts in return. Both have thrown it in my face later. Like when I caught the 2 timing guy he said "I can't believe I went through so much effort for dates 2 and 3 and now you can't forgive me this little thing"

 

I am sure some guys are genuine but when a near stranger plans a grandiose date, it's almost always fake and with a hidden agenda. Just take me bowling next time!

[MaleIntuition]

You guys got it all wrong. Taking someone to a restaurant is low effort. Cleaning my home, finding candles and cooking dinner is putting in effort.

[Lorenza]

You guys got it all wrong. Taking someone to a restaurant is low effort. Cleaning my home, finding candles and cooking dinner is putting in effort.

 

Finding candles is an effort? Exactly how cluttered is your house?

[Els]

You guys got it all wrong. Taking someone to a restaurant is low effort. Cleaning my home, finding candles and cooking dinner is putting in effort.

 

I think the OP was talking about "chilling with Netflix", not a 3-course home cooked meal in an impeccably clean house decorated with candles and fresh flowers.

[Jj66]

Dates do not have to be elaborate. Here is the sequence of initial dates my fiancée and I went through. Easy Peasy.

 

1. BOGO sushi followed by a walk around town. Less than $20 since we drank water. Find an interesting place. Go in and enjoy ourselves. It's like two dates in one. It was half price wine night at the place we went into so I bought a bottle of wine. We each had a glass. We were next to each other on couches. I leaned over, kissed her. I said all cocky like: now you don't have to wonder if I am going to kiss you. We kissed some more. She took a selfie of us and sent it to one of her friends. It was now late so we corked the bottle and I took it. As I walked her to her car I told her that we would need to finish this next time we get together. She said deal. I said I will call you in a couple of days to set something up.

 

2. Minor league baseball game opening weekend (her idea- she didn't wait for me to call her with my idea) followed by a cozy restaurant near the ball park (my idea - spontaneous as we were walking by). We had met at my place to be able to drive together (my idea). When we get back to my place I ask her if she wants to come inside and finish the bottle of wine we had started on date 1. She agrees. At this point I know we are going to be making out at a bare minimum. I am open to whatever happens. People say baseball is boring. But that's kind of what makes it a great date. Plenty of time to talk and if there is a lull in the conversation you can talk about the game or the mascot or something.

 

3. Hiking after work followed by a very light meal at a nearby cafe. Lots of quality talking time. Hand holding. Helping her up inclines and crossing streams. Making her pay tolls of a "kiss" if she wants to cross the bridges, sneaking off on some boulders overlooking an old mill. Very romantic. We briefly joked about going to my nearby office for some private time but we opted for the cafe and then ending the date. I strongly recommend this type of date as a second or third date if you are both outdoorsy. I would not recommend it as a first date since you don't want to be stuck with a long walk with someone you've just decided you do not like.

 

4. Team trivia to meet a lot of her friends. Almost like the unveiling or our budding relationship. Get the friends stamp of approval and I am now practically her boyfriend in spite of it only being date 4. I went down to her place early. We both got rug burns from her floor before going to meet her friends.

 

5. I get take out from a South American restaurant for lunch and she meets me at my house. Afternoon delight. I'm surprised we even touched the meal. Went for a walk around my neighborhood afterward.

 

We've done some more elaborate things such as valentines diner dances, wine festivals, weekend getaways, etc. but those came later in the relationship. The initial dates were super simple and economical. Only date #5 was intended to be a house date although we ended up at one of our houses after date 2 and before date 4.

[MaleIntuition]

Finding candles is an effort? Exactly how cluttered is your house?

 

Not at all right now actually! But that’s only because I had a “home-date” three days ago .

[Jj66]

Not at all right now actually! But that’s only because I had a “home-date” three days ago .

 

I alway tell her to bring candles when she asks what she can bring. Avoids having to find them. ;-)

[MaleIntuition]

I think the OP was talking about "chilling with Netflix", not a 3-course home cooked meal in an impeccably clean house decorated with candles and fresh flowers.

 

I distinctly remember OP talking about kicking his ass in video-games . However, I think most would put some extra effort into making their place look good before a first home-date.

 

Doing fun activities together is absolutely nice and fun, but most couples will end up spending a lot of time together at home. It makes sense to do some of that as well.

[Lorenza]

Not at all right now actually! But that’s only because I had a “home-date” three days ago .

 

If that's your only motivation to clean, then no wonder home-dates cost you more effort

[Gaeta]

Doing fun activities together is absolutely nice and fun, but most couples will end up spending a lot of time together at home. It makes sense to do some of that as well.

 

It makes sense to have home-dates after 3-4 outside dates. OP is talking about making a home-date for a 2nd meeting.

 

We know it takes about 3 dates to figure out if we want to keep on seeing someone. Can you imagine going through the trouble of cleaning your home, purchasing $100 of food and wine, spending hours digging out your candles, all this for a 2nd meeting and then she decides...meh, don't think I wanna see him again.

 

Same with a netflix & chill date as second date. You bring a stranger in your home, you share with him your most private space, the way you live, you show your family pictures & Italy trip pictures.... and then he doesn't call back.

[CptInsano]

Or

I alway tell her to bring candles when she asks what she can bring. Avoids having to find them. ;-)

 

You can always reuse them if a previous date was cut short.

[MaleIntuition]

It makes sense to have home-dates after 3-4 outside dates. OP is talking about making a home-date for a 2nd meeting.

 

We know it takes about 3 dates to figure out if we want to keep on seeing someone. Can you imagine going through the trouble of cleaning your home, purchasing $100 of food and wine, spending hours digging out your candles, all this for a 2nd meeting and then she decides...meh, don't think I wanna see him again.

 

Same with a netflix & chill date as second date. You bring a stranger in your home, you share with him your most private space, the way you live, you show your family pictures & Italy trip pictures.... and then he doesn't call back.

Did I i at least hook up with the girl in this hypothetical case?

 

Just kidding, but if we are talking about this specific case, the “mistake” is probably to keep seeing the guy in the first place. And, reading some between the lines, is sounds like cookies is mostly entertaining the idea of casual sex with mr Snow. A more formal date would therfore send the wrong signals in this case.

 

In general, however, if both are looking for a serious relationship, there is no need to stress and I agree with you that the home-date can wait a bit.