Oneitis for guy. Need cure

[RecentChange]

So, if you are in so much of a panic that you couldn't stomach texting him this evening (and thus told him another lie about being busy)....

 

Are you going to get the courage to talk to him? To go on a date with him?

 

Like I have said before, my advice is to stop with the string of lies that you use, and start being genuine.

 

That is why you are "mysterious" - you are confusing and totally inconsistent.

 

People tend to feel comfortable (and thus close) with others who have predictable behavior.

 

Like a consistent and predictable parent fosters a healthy and secure relationship with a child. The same can be said about romantic relationships.

 

When your behavior is all over the place, it leaves the other person confused, insecure, and on egg shells as they do not know how you will react to things.

 

Behavior like that pushes people away and prevents intimacy.

Edited January 13, 2018 by RecentChange

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thank you for your insight! I would love it if you could study this and share your thoughts with me because I find it fascinating to. Before this guy it was with my ex. And I can date other guys and have fun with them , But I tend to only have strong feelings for one at a time. Well IGuess I found out why I could not find him on tinder. He is in Pennsylvania with his family. I feel like I should maybe let this sit for a few days at least after how strong I came off. I will contact him maybe midweek to say hi?

 

Give him time. He will contact you.

 

I personally would not contact him again. Your convo is going to be marinating in his mind until he's ready to talk with you and you don't want to disturb the process.

 

When he calls the deal is on. You can relax and enjoy the conversation.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Give him time. He will contact you.

 

I personally would not contact him again. Your convo is going to be marinating in his mind until he's ready to talk with you and you don't want to disturb the process.

 

When he calls the deal is on. You can relax and enjoy the conversation.

 

Totally agree.

[No_Go]

I've never had that problem, luckily

 

As suggested by your nickname

[Cookiesandough]

Well, I really do not want to be Debbie Downer, but two things in his replies to you make me a little less than optimistic, despite my name.

 

1. He said "we can still be friends."

2. He didn't answer your question about seeing someone, unless I missed it.

 

I think he MAY be seeing someone, but definitely still wants to keep you in the back pocket since he now knows you're interested in him after all.

 

Thanks guys !! You’ve all been so helpful to me

Lol CA. Wait, he said we can still be friends??? I said that but maybe I missed where he said it too. And yes, he didn’t answer the seeing someone question which gave me pause, but I also want to say I gave him no time to respond. Between that message and the message I was going to sleep there was about 30 seconds. But if we chat again I will need more clarification on that

[No_Go]

Thank you for your insight! I would love it if you could study this and share your thoughts with me because I find it fascinating to. Before this guy it was with my ex. And I can date other guys and have fun with them , But I tend to only have strong feelings for one at a time. Well IGuess I found out why I could not find him on tinder. He is in Pennsylvania with his family. I feel like I should maybe let this sit for a few days at least after how strong I came off. I will contact him maybe midweek to say hi?

 

DON'T contact him! You didn't come off strong (unless I missed a follow up), but let him initiate further contact, otherwise it's just too much. And he's also with his family so he can't focus on you right now.

 

He'll likely reach out anyway, just wait and see.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks guys !! You’ve all been so helpful to me

Lol CA. Wait, he said we can still be friends??? I said that but maybe I missed where he said it too. And yes, he didn’t answer the seeing someone question which gave me pause, but I also want to say I gave him no time to respond. Between that message and the message I was going to sleep there was about 30 seconds. But if we chat again I will need more clarification on that

 

See, I misunderstood....I thought HE said that. OK, then just the one question he didn't answer.

 

I think you'll hear from him. If he just got into PA, he's busy with family.

[No_Go]

So, if you are in so much of a panic that you couldn't stomach texting him this evening (and thus told him another lie about being busy)....

 

Are you going to get the courage to talk to him? To go on a date with him?

 

Like I have said before, my advice is to stop with the string of lies that you use, and start being genuine.

 

That is why you are "mysterious" - you are confusing and totally inconsistent.

People tend to feel comfortable (and thus close) with others who have predictable behavior.

 

Like a consistent and predictable parent fosters a healthy and secure relationship with a child. The same can be said about romantic relationships.

 

When your behavior is all over the place, it leaves the other person confused, insecure, and on egg shells as they do not know how you will react to things.

 

Behavior like that pushes people away and prevents intimacy.

 

I somewhat disagree predictable behaviors helps early stages of romance. At least from my personal perspective, predictability somewhat bores me and if there is a glimpse of inconsistency/mystery, it fires me up to no end and makes me chase triple hard.

[RecentChange]

I somewhat disagree predictable behaviors helps early stages of romance. At least from my personal perspective, predictability somewhat bores me and if there is a glimpse of inconsistency/mystery, it fires me up to no end and makes me chase triple hard.

 

Okay I am going to try not to offend, but what has your track record resulted in using those methods?

[Versacehottie]

Is this a good sign?

 

I actually didn’t read Healing light’s perfect succinct response in time, So I had to rely on myself and in a panic I jump the gun like I typically do blowing up his phone and scaring the daylights out of him Like I do most men.but I want to know if this is somewhat promising. Here is what was said:

 

Me: I told you I would. Are you back in Indy? What’s been going on? I searched for you on Tinder. Are you no longer on there or did you left swipe me

 

Me: I’m sorry for cutting off like that. It just didn’t seem feasible with your work and my travel/school...Plus I got the feeling you weren’t that into me lol. But I’d still like to be friends?

 

Me: Or not I mean you probably have enough friends that you don’t need to be friends with a Rando on tinder. I guess it was just wishful thinking

 

It’s been like 15 minutes since first message at this point so I’m starting to sweat a bit.

 

I say: Okay I guess this was a bad idea lol. I’m sorry. You’ve rightfully moved on with your life by now, but it was worth the shot. I wish you the best. (Match me on Tinder if you’re on there)

I give up hope. But about 10 minutes later I get this from

 

Him: Lol no no I'm glad you hit me up. I just figured you wouldn't. You're super mysterious, Xxxxx. I just got into Pennsylvania and I'm trying to navigate where I am so my phone has been tucked away.

 

Me: O ok jeez plz be careful

 

Him: Im back at the hotel now lol. How have you been? How was your semester.

 

Me: Thanks I’m glad you’re glad. whew.

 

Me: You’re not srsly seeing someone atm right ........

 

Me: Oh ok well I’m about to in a few but we can talk later? It was okay, I start again in a few days. I want to head about about what you’ve been up to too !!!

 

Him: Ha ha ok. Sleep tight. Look forward to hearing from you

 

Me: I’m not going to sleep it’s 8pm lol I meant to say leave

 

Me: you too

 

 

He never responded but that’s not horrible right?

 

Ok, my little critique is that you shouldn't have let him know that you looked for him on tinder (to me that is more creeping on him than just going with the fact that you already know him outside of any app). And unless you were teasing him and it is totally going to be received that way, don't say "did you left swipe me"--that conveys insecurity, need for reassurance. Same with saying "got the feeling you weren't into me" conveys insecurity, need for reassurance. Listen, you have to lead with your strongest foot, not the gimpy one! So be confident and self-assured that he'd be happy to hear from you and any conflict from before was down to schedules...that's the best way to have a fresh clean slate and positive re-start with him. Don't worry that you messed up with this text exchange and cannot fix it, just proceed if he is still in contact with the confident, happy, SECURE you (you are quite the dichotomy!).

 

I don't think it's the worst that you said "could we still be friends?" but why did you say that when you want more, just don't address that issue. Usually if you dated before and don't say anything but get back in touch people are going to assume you are interested romantically, which is good in this case. Anyway, so if he brings up "friends" then roll with it without giving it a ton of attention but otherwise your theme should be "getting back in touch since you have sorted your schedule out, had a great time with him before and interested in him and how he is doing.

 

And definitely don't throw yourself on the sword ASSUMING he didn't want anything to do with you and has moved on with his life. Just be confident. And even if he has moved on with his life, it's not a crime to be in touch and anyone should be able to receive and handle a text like yours out of the blue. He will "manage" hearing from you trust me. No need to apologize or wish him a good life--that's too over the top. You needed to wait to hear back from him-- as you eventually did and things sounded fine. It's ironic to me that you worry about getting in touch at all but not about double, triple texting. Stop worrying so much about what someone would think about you.

 

And btw, lastly and most importantly, even with my critique, I am super happy that you just reached out and even said some of the things on your mind. Now just own it, you did it and each moment is a fresh moment. If/when you guys talk later, just approach it confidently like your best self. Realize you may need to work your way back into his life. And honestly even if he is involved with someone right now, things may be different for him a few months from now, you just never know where the road will lead you. I truly believe you keep the door open for good people--even if timing is not great--and know many couples who are together now from doing so. *we can figure out how specifically to keep the door open if that's what you need to do. For now, just take it tiny step by tiny step. No need to cover every issue like your texting above kinda tried to, without any real participation on his end covering those subjects! the take away/"sign" is that he DID respond and is open/wants to talk to you. That's all you need to focus on.

Edited January 13, 2018 by Versacehottie

[No_Go]

Okay I am going to try not to offend, but what has your track record resulted in using those methods?

 

No offense here I'm very much ok with my relationship dramas which is obviously why I post them openly.

 

In my experience my last BF (~2 years RL, a little over one living together): very predictable guy and frankly I was craving some excitement.

 

Previous BF: VERY unpredictable but also sociopathic - barely managed to run away from him with just financial losses...

 

First BF: was extremely unpredictable, turned abusive, no idea what kept me around for so long... I guess the drama ?

 

Interim guys:

-long term crush: extremely melancholic, middle of the road unpredictability, went to nowhere

-this summer crush: melancholic, predictable, went to platonic friendship

-long time orbiter: super predictable, among the reasons I can't seee him as more then friend

-the musician that brought me to this forum : PUA so I guess unpredictable, he ran away

 

That's about it. I guess it fails with predictable and unpredictable guys alike, with a higher chance to enter a relationship with unpredictable one.

[Cookiesandough]

Ok, my little critique is that you shouldn't have let him know that you looked for him on tinder (to me that is more creeping on him than just going with the fact that you already know him outside of any app). And unless you were teasing him and it is totally going to be received that way, don't say "did you left swipe me"--that conveys insecurity, need for reassurance. Same with saying "got the feeling you weren't into me" conveys insecurity, need for reassurance. Listen, you have to lead with your strongest foot, not the gimpy one! So be confident and self-assured that he'd be happy to hear from you and any conflict from before was down to schedules...that's the best way to have a fresh clean slate and positive re-start with him. Don't worry that you messed up with this text exchange and cannot fix it, just proceed if he is still in contact with the confident, happy, SECURE you (you are quite the dichotomy!).

 

I don't think it's the worst that you said "could we still be friends?" but why did you say that when you want more, just don't address that issue. Usually if you dated before and don't say anything but get back in touch people are going to assume you are interested romantically, which is good in this case. Anyway, so if he brings up "friends" then roll with it without giving it a ton of attention but otherwise your theme should be "getting back in touch since you have sorted your schedule out, had a great time with him before and interested in him and how he is doing.

 

And definitely don't throw yourself on the sword ASSUMING he didn't want anything to do with you and has moved on with his life. Just be confident. And even if he has moved on with his life, it's not a crime to be in touch and anyone should be able to receive and handle a text like yours out of the blue. He will "manage" hearing from you trust me. No need to apologize or wish him a good life--that's too over the top. You needed to wait to hear back from him-- as you eventually did and things sounded fine. It's ironic to me that you worry about getting in touch at all but not about double, triple texting. Stop worrying so much about what someone would think about you.

 

And btw, lastly and most importantly, even with my critique, I am super happy that you just reached out and even said some of the things on your mind. Now just own it, you did it and each moment is a fresh moment. If/when you guys talk later, just approach it confidently like your best self. Realize you may need to work your way back into his life. And honestly even if he is involved with someone right now, things may be different for him a few months from now, you just never know where the road will lead you. I truly believe you keep the door open for good people--even if timing is not great--and know many couples who are together now from doing so. *we can figure out how specifically to keep the door open if that's what you need to do. For now, just take it tiny step by tiny step. No need to cover every issue like your texting above kinda tried to, without any real participation on his end covering those subjects! the take away/"sign" is that he DID respond and is open/wants to talk to you. That's all you need to focus on.

Thank you so much for your amazing assessment! And now Versace, you don’t think my texts may have ruined my shot?

 

I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing anyone seriously because I used an app that shows he still signed on Tinder as of yesterday (I suppose that still does not mean much) There’s no evidence of any kind of gf on social media. There’s also the fact he’s a good guy and I know sometimes good guys cheat too, but he’s just not that “type” and he was semi positive in his reception to me. (I don’t think he wanted to say”yeah you ditched me 4 months ago and I’m still here single and waiting with open arms!” He’s only 28)He wanted to see each other long distance (1 hr) but visit often until he got back at Xmas. All this together leads me to believe he’s not seeing anyone seriously for now, but I could be very wrong.

 

As strong as I came off, I still feel like the bad guy. Once you mess up like this once, even if the person wasn’t that interested in you, you still feel like you need to set it straight

 

Versace, do you think I should just wait to see if he ever contacts me because I’m getting a strong feeling to block him and be done with all this. Recent change is right.... how am I going to manage the rest? I’m too anxious and it’s hard to get back confidence once you start off bad like this. I don’t know if I can cope with it

 

I also have 2 dates with others planned

Edited January 13, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

Thank you so much for your amazing assessment! And now Versace, you don’t think my texts may have ruined my shot?

 

I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing anyone seriously because I used an app that shows he still signed on Tinder as of yesterday (I suppose that still does not mean much) There’s no evidence of any kind of gf on social media. There’s also the fact he’s a good guy and I know sometimes good guys cheat too, but he’s just not that “type” and he was semi positive in his reception to me. (I don’t think he wanted to say”yeah you ditched me 4 months ago and I’m still here single and waiting with open arms!” He’s only 28)He wanted to see each other long distance (1 hr) but visit often until he got back at Xmas. All this together leads me to believe he’s not seeing anyone seriously for now, but I could be very wrong.

 

As strong as I came off, I still feel like the bad guy. Once you mess up like this once, even if the person wasn’t that interested in you, you still feel like you need to set it straight

 

Versace, do you think I should just wait to see if he ever contacts me because I’m getting a strong feeling to block him and be done with all this. Recent change is right.... how am I going to manage the rest? I’m too anxious and it’s hard to get back confidence once you start off bad like this. I don’t know if I can cope with it

 

I also have 2 dates with others planned

 

Oh no - it makes no sense to block him after YOU contacted him. Let him initiate, don't block, don't reach out. Focus on the other dates in the meanwhile.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Versace, do you think I should just wait to see if he ever contacts me because I’m getting a strong feeling to block him and be done with all this. Recent change is right.... how am I going to manage the rest? I’m too anxious and it’s hard to get back confidence once you start off bad like this. I don’t know if I can cope with it

 

I also have 2 dates with others planned

 

No, don't block him, Cookies.

 

He was delighted to hear from you. Rest assured in that and forget the texting exchange.

 

There is no need for you to manage the rest. Let him manage it for awhile. He's going to. You've had enough of a burden on you about it. Now it's time to enjoy whatever he has to offer you. Relax and focus on other things until you hear back from him.

 

He was so delighted to hear from you! Your texting exchange was all YOU, cute as could be, not what some others would have texted but every one of us would have texted in our own unique way. Not one of us would have texted perfectly.

 

You texted cute. When he contacts you again you will pull out relaxed and confident which will be fun for him because it's a bit of a change, not too much, just enough to keep his interest. You are a multi-dimensional woman! Lucky you! Enjoy it!

 

You are fine. Relax.

Edited January 13, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[JuneL]

"I’m getting a strong feeling to block him and be done with all this."

 

Cookies may be super mysterious to those guys; but for those of us who have read a few of her threads, her behavior is so predictable :laugh:

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Don't block him!! He's probably telling his buddies back home about you as we speak. (In a positive way)

[Versacehottie]

Thank you so much for your amazing assessment! And now Versace, you don’t think my texts may have ruined my shot?

 

I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing anyone seriously because I used an app that shows he still signed on Tinder as of yesterday (I suppose that still does not mean much) There’s no evidence of any kind of gf on social media. There’s also the fact he’s a good guy and I know sometimes good guys cheat too, but he’s just not that “type” and he was semi positive in his reception to me. (I don’t think he wanted to say”yeah you ditched me 4 months ago and I’m still here single and waiting with open arms!” He’s only 28)He wanted to see each other long distance (1 hr) but visit often until he got back at Xmas. All this together leads me to believe he’s not seeing anyone seriously for now, but I could be very wrong.

 

As strong as I came off, I still feel like the bad guy. Once you mess up like this once, even if the person wasn’t that interested in you, you still feel like you need to set it straight

 

Versace, do you think I should just wait to see if he ever contacts me because I’m getting a strong feeling to block him and be done with all this. Recent change is right.... how am I going to manage the rest? I’m too anxious and it’s hard to get back confidence once you start off bad like this. I don’t know if I can cope with it

 

I also have 2 dates with others planned

 

Ok to address the "bad guy" thing: you addressed it initially now in this text exchange, so from now on don't really speak of being sorry or feeling like you need to overcompensate or explain--just be PRESENT and GENUINE moving forward. Show him in your actions.

 

Um, you CAN'T be serious with considering blocking him????? No, no, no. This is exactly your pattern. A lot of us were doubting your ability to do this and your creditably about going after some guy that you have feelings for but nothing is really different with you with these extremes IF you do this. Just hang in there. You cannot panic and have such anxiety that you pull out of every situation that brings you a millimeter closer to what you want. If you are going to behave or even THINK like this then you are in the wrong place and need some help for your anxiety and issues. This would fall under the category of jerking someone around and is just extremely illogical. So don't do it.

 

It doesn't seem to me like he is seeing anyone seriously. The answer for the question though, to me, is not something you need to know immediately. You said he is a good guy; he's still on tinder; he's an adult and has free will. So do you--so you are allowed to date him. don't worry about whatever else he may or may not have going on--that's jumping wayyyyy too far in the future and come on we are not even there yet. It's one text exchange. Take things one step at a time. Don't look too far into the future. You need to take care of the present well in order to make it into the future you want and that is meant for you so just deal with now. Now you are talking to him. Period. Make that good. Be your best self.

 

Well you have kept promising us you were going to deal with your issues. You kinda disappeared for a while. I personally thought: she's either dealing with them or heavily into finals. Some parts of being able to cope is to "just do it". You have to use your achievements to fuel your confidence and quiet your anxiety. You just contacted him so congratulate yourself. You're alive and all is ok. You have to break it into steps. And you need to learn how to find comfort even if you are in a waiting stage (which you should absolutely wait for him to contact you like he said he would).

 

Great that you have 2 other dates set up. Focus on those to take pressure of waiting to hear from Mr. One. Or better yet, focus on yourself, your hobbies,your school, your friends, your family. I also would like to think that you are taking all the available free time to educate yourself in some way about how to treat your anxiety. There may be other things going on with you and relationships but it's safe to start there because it's definitely a factor. you can find some coping skills there. Do that immediately. Good luck and you can do this.

[Happy Lemming]

 

I also have 2 dates with others planned

 

Hi... I've just been reading this thread on and off and I'm a bit confused.

 

The title is "Oneitis for guy, need cure" I'm assuming by "Oneitis" means you're completely focused on this one guy and really, really want this one particular guy, exclusively to yourself.

 

If my assumption is correct, why do you have dates with 2 others??

 

Maybe I don't understand what "Oneitis" is??

 

Clarification, please...

Edited January 13, 2018 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[SevenCity]

Yea now the blocking thoughts come out. What I appreciate most about your threads are the predictable slow-mo train wrecks they invariably become.

 

Let’s break this down logically:

- You gave him a line typical of a girl who isn’t interested then disappeared

- You actually do reach out and take him by surprise

- Although its been months, 15 minutes wasn’t quick enough for you for him to reply

- Now you want to block him (WTF?!?)

- from the texts, I’m pretty sure your actual name is Cookies

 

Now here are the facts:

- You are attractive enough from your avitar pics that 90% of strait guys would bang you

- Your looks allow you to get away with your insanity

- Your obsessive behavior will deter guys who will make good partners

 

Your behavior is not indicative of someone who is ready for a healthy relationship.

 

I don’t say this to be mean but I really think you’ve got to look at your actions and honesty ask if you would date someone who did the same to you.

[Cookiesandough]

Ty Versace. Seven. I don’t get away with anything here. I was very apologetic. Also I don’t see any insanity... I just reached out to him and I expected he would not be interested so I said I understood if he’s not. I’m not the most eloquent or patient person. I’ll admit that.

 

 

are you saying I should just give up now? Why couldn’t someone have said don’t do it before I said all that stuff. Everyone encouraged me to send a message. I should have listened to fredflint, but it was too late. Now people are telling me he would never date me in a million years after how I acted, so why did I go through all that

 

That’s why I set up those other dates, Lemming. I was trying to just move on. But people said why not message? No matter what I do I’m still crazy so f it.

 

Oh and I sent him a few more texts tonight and he’s either asleep or ignoring me. But you know what, it doesn’t matter to me much anymore because now that I think of it, I really don’t want to date him much. This whole ordeal has given me a huge migraine. If he contacts me again, big if, I’m going to ask him a question (maybe) and then I am going to try to figure out how I can get out of this situation. I’m not saying I’ll block him. I need to think on it. I made a huge mistake

 

 

**if we ever talk again, and that’s a big if, would it be rude or insane to ask him why he is staying at hotel and not with his family? I guess that puzzles me a lot. Because first time we met he talked about the same thing. When I visit relatives, I always stay at their house. Am I weird? **

Edited January 13, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[grays]

You need to deal with reality, what's really going on, not what you're fearing is going on. You have imagined some slight or attack by him that never happened and now you're talking about blocking and running away from him because of this imagined thing. Please just deal with what has actually happened. If you need a recap: You texted him showing interest, he texted you showing interest back. End of story. Now just leave it alone till he responds.

 

You are really pretty infuriating, you know? I can't imagine what it would feel like to be attempting to date you or get into a relationship with you. I think you want someone to be with that way, but it seems like you're making it nearly impossible for another person to get any kind of traction. It makes me wonder how many blocked loves are out there, that you could have had great times with or fallen in love with but because you imagined they were having hurtful feelings about you none of that fun stuff can take hold.

[bene]

Need help. He took forever to respond to me and it was “ well I’ll be damned lol” is this done? I feel there’s nothing left to say

 

So you appeared out of the woodwork after several months and now it’s a problem that he didn’t answer immediately when you snapped your fingers? To be honest, I would also take time to process what it’s all about. It is not like you two were in the middle of a conversation and he just stopped.

 

Why do you really want to see him again? Is it some kind of legitimate excuse in your own mind not to date other guys? I have followed your threads and wished you well but I just don’t understand why you follow exactly the same cycle of reaching out, freaking out that the guy is not reciprocating, freaking out even more at the first sign of guys interest, pulling back, lying to get out of a possible date. Lather, rinse, repeat. I honestly don’t just want to be mean for the sake of being mean but this pattern is so obvious and you are apparently insightful and intelligent enough to see it yourself, so what is the benefit to keep doing it?

 

As for being predictable vs mysterious discussion, I think excitement in a relationship should come from doing exciting things together, having interesting conversations, unconventional ideas if you will, not just blowing hot and cold.

[Cobra_X]

Thank you for your insight! I would love it if you could study this and share your thoughts with me because I find it fascinating to. Before this guy it was with my ex. And I can date other guys and have fun with them , But I tend to only have strong feelings for one at a time. Well IGuess I found out why I could not find him on tinder. He is in Pennsylvania with his family. I feel like I should maybe let this sit for a few days at least after how strong I came off. I will contact him maybe midweek to say hi?

 

He is out of your area! This is exactly one of the reasons I listed for you not being able to find him.

 

You did come across very strong!

 

Thank you so much for your amazing assessment! And now Versace, you don’t think my texts may have ruined my shot?

As strong as I came off, I still feel like the bad guy. Once you mess up like this once, even if the person wasn’t that interested in you, you still feel like you need to set it straight

Versace, do you think I should just wait to see if he ever contacts me because I’m getting a strong feeling to block him and be done with all this. Recent change is right.... how am I going to manage the rest? I’m too anxious and it’s hard to get back confidence once you start off bad like this. I don’t know if I can cope with it

I also have 2 dates with others planned

 

Cookies, I think you naturally have a higher than normal level of anxiety. Your mind is running through all the negative scenarios that could play out and fixating on them. Stop.

 

WWIU is an amazing longtime poster on this site. When I was struggling with anxiety she told me a parable from native american lore... it's a common story but I had never heard it and it helped me a lot.

 

"An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

 

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

 

are you saying I should just give up now? Why couldn’t someone have said don’t do it before I said all that stuff. Everyone encouraged me to send a message. I should have listened to fredflint, but it was too late. Now people are telling me he would never date me in a million years after how I acted, so why did I go through all that

That’s why I set up those other dates, Lemming. I was trying to just move on. But people said why not message? No matter what I do I’m still crazy so f it.

 

**if we ever talk again, and that’s a big if, would it be rude or insane to ask him why he is staying at hotel and not with his family? I guess that puzzles me a lot. Because first time we met he talked about the same thing. When I visit relatives, I always stay at their house. Am I weird? **

 

You contacted him risking full rejection. Forget what anyone else says, this is the act of a brave woman. Also, lining up other dates to fight your anxiety isn't working yet, but it can be a good strategy and it does work for some people. It is still good to try.

 

When I visit my family I stay in hotels, but it's because I'm older and need my space. When I was your age I just crashed with my parents.

 

No matter how this plays out, no matter what happens, the most important thing is that you begin to come to terms with your own negative feelings and emotions. You need to grow as a person from this. This life is your journey, but if you don't start walking you will end it in the same place you began.

 

I would not bother typing this whole long thing if you didn't remind me of my own daughter. You did mention in a previous thread about being half.

[newyorker11356]

Upend traditional gender roles. You want to be a stay at home dad or something?

 

There are some gender roles that are social constructs, and some that have biological roots. Make sure to identify which is which or you will likely wreck your own life.

 

A great example is passive vs dominant personalities. If you look over into the Affair section of this board you will find 80% of the cheated on husbands are passive types. If you get together with a dominant woman there is a good chance she will get tired of your passivity at some point and begin craving a dominant man like herself. This is biological and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

Chasing is a sign of dominance.

 

Not if a guy is constantly chasing and getting almost nothing in return.

 

The best is when both parties are 50-50 in chasing. The woman I'm dating and talking to at the moment has chased about 50 percent of the time, and me here. Plus, she actually initiates calls and texts as well. It's SO refreshing compared to when I'm the one doing pretty much all the work. Dating someone like this is a complete breath of fresh air.

[Cookiesandough]

He is out of your area! This is exactly one of the reasons I listed for you not being able to find him.

 

You did come across very strong!

 

 

 

Cookies, I think you naturally have a higher than normal level of anxiety. Your mind is running through all the negative scenarios that could play out and fixating on them. Stop.

 

WWIU is an amazing longtime poster on this site. When I was struggling with anxiety she told me a parable from native american lore... it's a common story but I had never heard it and it helped me a lot.

 

"An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

 

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

 

 

 

You contacted him risking full rejection. Forget what anyone else says, this is the act of a brave woman. Also, lining up other dates to fight your anxiety isn't working yet, but it can be a good strategy and it does work for some people. It is still good to try.

 

When I visit my family I stay in hotels, but it's because I'm older and need my space. When I was your age I just crashed with my parents.

 

No matter how this plays out, no matter what happens, the most important thing is that you begin to come to terms with your own negative feelings and emotions. You need to grow as a person from this. This life is your journey, but if you don't start walking you will end it in the same place you began.

 

I would not bother typing this whole long thing if you didn't remind me of my own daughter. You did mention in a previous thread about being half.

Thank you for the last few replies everyone. For all of them. This one in particular brought a tear to my eye ferreal. Thank you so much. This really encouraged me. You are so right I have to face my fears to get over them. I am afraid to experience a direct romantic rejection(Like a man dumping you or breaking your heart or even saying he doesn’t want to see you again or showing it by not contacting ever again) I’ve never experienced a direct romantic rejection. Every time I screw up I come back to the guy and he is forgiving as well. And I am actually very scared about going through that. I am terrified of facing my first severe romantic rejection so I avoid experiences which might risk that. I worry I’ll never get over it because I am a very tender person. But everyone goes through it. And they survive and they find love. I am avoiding rejection but the consequence is I will never find love this way. I will never connect with anyone this way. Unless they are desperate.I will always just be an egotistical little brat who succumbs to every impulse of fear of being rejected and abandoned. I have to be strong and face whatever comes and stop freaking out about it because it won’t kill me. And flipping out isn’t helping me! Thank you all for opening my eyes to this truth with your time and your words

Edited January 13, 2018 by Cookiesandough