lana-banana Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 (edited) You've already gotten a lot of good advice here. If you're not sure, remember: - Be sincere. Don't make it sound like you got bored and are just hitting him up. - Be brief. A sentence about how you're thinking of him and a request to grab dinner or something is fine. - Be bold. Either he wants to see you again or he doesn't. He probably won't leave you hanging (but if he does, you have your answer). I'm rooting for you, but you seem very anxious, and from my observations when you're anxious you tend to act out impulsively. Do you think you can recognize that and step back a bit? I'm worried your next update will be "I got excited and snapped him nudes omg lol help". Edited January 12, 2018 by lana-banana 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I think no matter how you initiate the convo, he's gonna say yes. Then you'll freak out again and cancel again. That's my honest prediction. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 What's changed for you since last fall? Are you emotionally ready to date? You can't contact this guy and then pull the same running away and freaking out stuff you pulled last fall. I almost feel like you are only fixated on this guy because it gives you an excuse not to date other guys. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 What's changed for you since last fall? Are you emotionally ready to date? You can't contact this guy and then pull the same running away and freaking out stuff you pulled last fall. I almost feel like you are only fixated on this guy because it gives you an excuse not to date other guys. Agreed. I would only reach out to him if there is a reasonable expectation that whatever obstacle presented itself the last time has been removed. Otherwise Cookie is just trying to get a different outcome from the same situation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Yes I too would like to know what's changed. And why, if you were into a guy, you did everything possible to let him think you were not. And what's your post 18 about? I'm assuming humour, but I'm not really getting it.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I think no matter how you initiate the convo, he's gonna say yes. Then you'll freak out again and cancel again. That's my honest prediction. Exactly. I say this with love - you need therapy. You’re obsessed over this guy until he comes back then you will flake/freak again. From the pics you posted I’m sure you have no shortage of guys. Work out the issues when you are young and pretty to have a chance at a meaningful relationship. Don’t wait until you are old. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I don't have anything like that. We barely knew each other. My last conversation with him I told him I needed some space and I'd contact him next year and he said yea he understands I'm not feeling it. I told him no that's not it, I really just need a break and when I'm ready I will contact him. He said "you are cryptic af" Those were his last words! Now what am I supposed to ask him for help with that a ton of other people can't help with ? I don't need help with anything in his profession. Do you think it's a lost cause then? cookies i love you but the guy you are obesesed with nailed it! (bolded above^^^) And cobra x did too...as lots of others have on various threads. as for contacting him. I think you should/could. i have done something like that once when i reached out to a guy who asked me out when i had a bf 6 months earlier. I had just met the guy in real life for 5 seconds so he was really confused about who i was. But he was a guy so he was open! He didn't act like it was creepy. Like pleasantly stunned lol and then excited. I had built him up a little in my head because he was very good looking and outgoing and vibrant but probably not as much as you bc i didn't really know him at all. We ended up going out a few days later---one of the funniest and worst dates of my life but not because I contacted him out of the blue--of course he thought it was a great time and became obsessed with me. the end Anyway, i'm not sure you can not do a push/pull, cryptic bs on this guy but i think you should try for your sake and who cares if he thinks it's creepy (i don't think he will but if he does for any reason or if he's taken now no big loss). Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyLove Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 If a guy told me that he would "contact me next year" no matter what the circumstances were he would be completely forgotten, even if I agreed to that foolishness just so things end in a civil manner lol I would also put him in the "entitled" and "coo coo crazy" category as he would be implying that I would be waiting around for him and willing to happily jump just because he sent me a text because it is a new year:o I would also assume that he was into someone else an was only texting me bc it didn't work out. I guess a lot of guys have way less options according to these threads but if you are in a big city and he is a decent looking guy with an ounce of personality I would prepare for him being interested in someone else by now. Not to add to your anxiety but I am just giving you another outlook. Good luck though!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 If a guy told me that he would "contact me next year" no matter what the circumstances were he would be completely forgotten, even if I agreed to that foolishness just so things end in a civil manner lol I would also put him in the "entitled" and "coo coo crazy" category as he would be implying that I would be waiting around for him and willing to happily jump just because he sent me a text because it is a new year:o I would also assume that he was into someone else an was only texting me bc it didn't work out. I guess a lot of guys have way less options according to these threads but if you are in a big city and he is a decent looking guy with an ounce of personality I would prepare for him being interested in someone else by now. Not to add to your anxiety but I am just giving you another outlook. Good luck though!! Eh it was November if I remember correctly and now is only January. No need to assume he jumped ASAP on another woman. He may not have waited purposefully for Cookies, but 1) He may have not met a woman he likes or 2) Just haven't dated in the interim (which most people don't do anyway over the holidays - who the heck has time to date amidst a severe winter with 100 family events). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyLove Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Eh it was November if I remember correctly and now is only January. No need to assume he jumped ASAP on another woman. He may not have waited purposefully for Cookies, but 1) He may have not met a woman he likes or 2) Just haven't dated in the interim (which most people don't do anyway over the holidays - who the heck has time to date amidst a severe winter with 100 family events). ok, fair enough. I live in a huge warm city so my view may be flawed. In my city she most likely would have been forgotten about by now lol I was just trying to give her another point of view. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Ah in any case if they restart, it will be a new situation. I feel like she was not that into the guy to start with but just built a mental picture in his absence that she needs to break (and the easiest way is to meet him again so see his real self not the fantasy version ) ok, fair enough. I live in a huge warm city so my view may be flawed. In my city she most likely would have been forgotten about by now lol I was just trying to give her another point of view. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 Yes I too would like to know what's changed. And why, if you were into a guy, you did everything possible to let him think you were not. And what's your post 18 about? I'm assuming humour, but I'm not really getting it.... Thank you all for the advice. It is appreciated a lot. You're absolutely right. Nothings changed. Nothing about me changed. I'm destined to be foreveralone. And I'm almost okay with that. It's a Nice Guy/HBB copypaste with the gender switched out. Except for the last couple lines I added, someone seriously thought that would be a good idea to write to someone, which I find amusing. Versace <3 That's a cute story!!! Up until the clingy guy part. I feel if this had worked it would have been how it ended. Except the other way around So I paid $7.95 for this online program that lets you see by first name, age, and area if someone is on Tinder. Don't judge me. If this thing is to believed, he is still out there in Tinderland...which should make me happy...but considering I've scrolled now 7000 matches on my gold listing looking one by one to find him, I must be damn near close to the end of my city by now and he's not there. What's that tell you guys? I mean besides that I've officially lost it. Yep. Exactly. He left swiped me. It does sting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 (edited) Oneitis is a problem of low self-esteem. When you feel better about yourself, you will no longer get yourself all worked up over one person that isn't all that interested in you. If you and I went on a date, and it didn't go well (my dates always go well ) I would not sit around lamenting the fact that you were not besotten with me. The absolute most I might do is reach out and say that I would like a do-over, but if you said no, I would accept it. Why? Because I am happy with myself. Yes, I am a flawed person, but so are you. No one person is just soooo awesome that you have to be with them and no other. We are all flawed. I would just shrug my shoulders and move on to the next, more interested girl. Far better than wasting time on someone that isn't into me. Just learn to let people go. Trust me, ain't nobody special enough to waste your time on if they aren't interested. You could be 100% right, but I think it's also a personality trait. Horrible example, but look at Mitt Romney. He's a decent looking guy esp in youth, high self esteem. He could have got plenty of girls just from his dad's status, but instead of doing that, he met anne in high school. When he went overseas for university, they kept a LDR and he wrote her and drew hearts that said 'Mitt Loves Ann' in the sand. She wrote dear john letter to dump him (probably because of his oneitis ) and he begged her not to. He came back and promptly proposed. Yes he's Mormon and I don't think he's been with any other girl besides her. He could have at least dated other girls. But some of us get it bad for one person. Some of us are more monogamy inclined and susceptible to oneitis? Anyway, are you saying I should just move on and forget him? I feel it's a bit different of a situation because I did some things that impacted our ability to date, it wasn't just him...or really him at all. Even low interest, he was willing to change his schedule to see me on friday and then on monday, so a lot of it was my fault. I don't think our last date was amazing or anything. I mean the conversation was alright and he's a good kisser but my toenail fell off from walking his crazy dog and it's still growing back in. I really don't know if he's still interested or not because I unintentionally blocked our channels of communication by telling him I'd reach out to him at a later time and he didn't seem that enthused. You're being the voice of reason and saying just move on right Edited January 12, 2018 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Cookies, do you understand why you pushed him away in the first place, why you wouldn't do it again, and what you want now? If you can't answer those questions, you should probably leave him alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Check this out Cookies: The Fearful/Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style - The Love Compass I do think you like this guy, but you're afraid of getting what you want. I don't think it's a huge deal if he swiped left. Probably just an ego thing. You've literally got nothing to lose by shooting him a message. I think a mix of what's been suggested before would be good. Something like "Hey (HOT GUY OF MY DREAMS' NAME) it's Cookies. We went out a couple times in November. I said I'd contact you this year once I sorted myself out. I've been thinking about you and would like to see you again." If he's single, I think there is a good chance he will say yes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 If this thing is to believed, he is still out there in Tinderland...which should make me happy...but considering I've scrolled now 7000 matches on my gold listing looking one by one to find him, I must be damn near close to the end of my city by now and he's not there. What's that tell you guys? I mean besides that I've officially lost it. Yep. Exactly. He left swiped me. It does sting. Tinder does not work like that! 1. He may have a profile but not be active. Tinder only shows you active users. What would be the point in showing you a guy that hasn't logged in for 2 weeks? 2. Tinder separates people out into attractiveness level buckets. It will only show you a certain number of men above or below your ELO score. 3. He may have his distance parameters set to nearby and you are outside his range! Even in the odd possibility that he left swiped you... It would only be because you have previously told him you were not available. Now you are available so you have to tell him to get him interested again. Anyway, are you saying I should just move on and forget him? I feel it's a bit different of a situation because I did some things that impacted our ability to date, it wasn't just him...or really him at all. Even low interest, he was willing to change his schedule to see me on friday and then on monday, so a lot of it was my fault. I don't think our last date was amazing or anything. I mean the conversation was alright and he's a good kisser but my toenail fell off from walking his crazy dog and it's still growing back in. I really don't know if he's still interested or not because I unintentionally blocked our channels of communication by telling him I'd reach out to him at a later time and he didn't seem that enthused. You're being the voice of reason and saying just move on right How do you even know Mitt Romney's backstory? I've actually met the guy and I didn't know any of that crap. Cookies... you are the type of person like me that needs closure. Moving on will always leave you with this niggling doubt. You need to know whether this might be something or not. If you have not already... get off your butt and text him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 ty olive. that link sounded very familiar you're always so spot on. same to you lana and cobra. Okay im doing it. Here I go. *deep breaths* Im doing this. What do I have to lose? Certainly not my dignity. I left that behind me long ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 oH GOD I DID IT OH GOD 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Ah! Now I understand why you needed a break! It's the toenail. I would have done the same. And I wouldn't contact him until the nail has grown back. As for the rest of you, I get your screen name now. Part of you is cookie, The other part is dough: your ideas are half-baked! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 I just said his name. I said "Ben???" I'm not sure I have the right person... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I just said his name. I said "Ben???" I'm not sure I have the right person... You used another guys name? You are awesome for just doing it. Now give him a week to respond and don't obsess over it in the meantime. You did your part, he either messages you back or he doesn't. If he doesn't... It means he isn't single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Oooh oneitis is 100% a personality trait, people that don't have it can't even believe it and therefore the confusion. I've shared multiple times if I focus on someone it is not even a matter of choice, my brain straight rejects the idea for others. I have got people very offended because I can't recognize them after few meets, it is not a vision issue I can't even process the visual information if my focus is on another person and this has nothing to do with self-esteem, or for what matters: with love or romance. I guess it has more to do with how our brain processes information and ability to compartmentalize. I'd have been thrilled to study this but hey, in another lifetime I may :/ You could be 100% right, but I think it's also a personality trait. Horrible example, but look at Mitt Romney. He's a decent looking guy esp in youth, high self esteem. He could have got plenty of girls just from his dad's status, but instead of doing that, he met anne in high school. When he went overseas for university, they kept a LDR and he wrote her and drew hearts that said 'Mitt Loves Ann' in the sand. She wrote dear john letter to dump him (probably because of his oneitis ) and he begged her not to. He came back and promptly proposed. Yes he's Mormon and I don't think he's been with any other girl besides her. He could have at least dated other girls. But some of us get it bad for one person. Some of us are more monogamy inclined and susceptible to oneitis? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 He's gonna write back "Cookies!!!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I just said his name. I said "Ben???" I'm not sure I have the right person... You reached out? Wow! Keep us updated! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Cookies, do you understand why you pushed him away in the first place, why you wouldn't do it again, and what you want now? If you can't answer those questions, you should probably leave him alone. I bet Cookies is human-experimenting more than goal-setting here LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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