Broken up over innocent comment, I'm losing my mind

[Snuggle Tiger]

Au contraire, ST! If she had a regular boyfriend who loved her he may very well have helped her out financially (more than just buying a few items here and there for her), and even have married her. I hope for her that she finds that. And maybe she has.

 

If you could only see this situation from a perspective other than your own loss of comfortable dysfunction, it may help you to understand why she left you to move on.

 

I'm hearing from mutual friends she isn't looking for anyone, doesn't have anyone, says she doesn't have time for one, doesn't want one, and misses me a lot. But doesn't want to talk to me because I don't handle conflict well. Hopefully, if I fix that with medication and therapy, she'll consider seeing me again, because that wasn't how I used to be.

 

Why can't anyone believe she enjoyed me too, that I met her needs?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Rereading this, now I get it. SARCASM. You seem to think I need a hunk of lead in my brain before its a medical diagnosis, because depression and anxiety can't be seen on an x-ray.

 

I didn't set out to get involved with someone 20+ years younger, she offered and I accepted. Sweet girl I already know, six weeks pregnant and doesn't believe in abortion, already liked me, I liked her and later she said she loved me and I fell in love with her. Sh*t happens, I won't apologize or feel guilty for it. Its not what I was looking for, its what life gave me and until I started to break down it was wonderful.

 

When was in anguish and felt like I wanted to die, the ridicule and condemnation I got here for being married to an ill wife who gave me permission to have a girlfriend didn't help. I just wanted to end the pain.

BTW, the way my wife would put it is "you need to get a girlfriend" and those were her exact words. Girlfriend. I always interpreted that to mean FWB, but she turned into a girlfriend. Oh God, how I miss her.

 

I was having suicidal thoughts and at times it seemed like some of you took great delight in my pain and enjoyed worsening it. Had I been much closer to doing it you might have pushed me over the edge, I got close a time or two, closer than I admitted here. Gun in my hand, loading and unloading the magazine. I chambered a round. Safety off. Call it stupid, call me a loser, say I had it coming, tell me what did I expect to happen?

 

I didn't expect to fall in love with this girl. I guess that makes me a loser, at least in your eyes.

 

There are real people out here on the other side of the keyboard, and we aren't always well. Please try to remember that.

 

Snuggle Time, I get that you're a real person who probably isn't well. Somewhere along the way it seems to me your emotional development was stunted and you remain in the mindset of a child. But, you don't have to remain in that condition. The choice is yours. It is poor choices that continue to keep you down.

 

The most compassionate thing other posters can do for you is to help encourage you into reality because it seems to me you live in a fantasy world of believing you can make poor choices and prosper.

 

In the above bolded you seem to present yourself as helpless to whatever life hands you. Your wife suggests you get a girlfriend and you do it. You lose the girlfriend and your wife comforts you. It seems to me your wife is like a mother to you, not a real wife, and that you depend on her as a child depends on his mother.

 

Then when you find yourself in a mess because you helplessly stepped into a pile, as you mentioned above, you can't figure out how to get out of it other than taking your life.

 

My concern for you is that you're stepping deeper into a black chasm of "what life is handing you" by getting involved with yet another single woman tonight. It seems to me it's important for you to face that life isn't handing you these dysfunctional situations. They are choices you, an adult, are making. And they are choices with consequences. You can present your case all day long on an internet forum of how happy these choices make you. But that won't save you from suffering the consequences of your poor choices. And that is my concern for you here with your new woman.

 

This new choice, of yet another girlfriend while you are married is going to contribute to your spiral downward, rather than save you from it.

 

Back to the initial sentence in this post. By your own admission you aren't well. Why not step away from these extra marital affairs you're having and take the time to heal? You can heal if you want to. But, if you want to continue a childlike existence of grabbing for whatever feels good at the moment and denying accountability for the disastrous results that brings you, I'm afraid you're going to continue to sink into deeper problems than you have yet experienced.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Snuggle Time, I get that you're a real person who probably isn't well. Somewhere along the way it seems to me your emotional development was stunted and you remain in the mindset of a child. But, you don't have to remain in that condition. The choice is yours. It is poor choices that continue to keep you down.

 

The most compassionate thing other posters can do for you is to help encourage you into reality because it seems to me you live in a fantasy world of believing you can make poor choices and prosper.

 

In the above bolded you seem to present yourself as helpless to whatever life hands you. Your wife suggests you get a girlfriend and you do it. You lose the girlfriend and your wife comforts you. It seems to me your wife is like a mother to you, not a real wife, and that you depend on her as a child depends on his mother.

 

Then when you find yourself in a mess because you helplessly stepped into a pile, as you mentioned above, you can't figure out how to get out of it other than taking your life.

 

My concern for you is that you're stepping deeper into a black chasm of "what life is handing you" by getting involved with yet another single woman tonight. It seems to me it's important for you to face that life isn't handing you these dysfunctional situations. They are choices you, an adult, are making. And they are choices with consequences. You can present your case all day long on an internet forum of how happy these choices make you. But that won't save you from suffering the consequences of your poor choices. And that is my concern for you here with your new woman.

 

This new choice, of yet another girlfriend while you are married is going to contribute to your spiral downward, rather than save you from it.

 

Back to the initial sentence in this post. By your own admission you aren't well. Why not step away from these extra marital affairs you're having and take the time to heal? You can heal if you want to. But, if you want to continue a childlike existence of grabbing for whatever feels good at the moment and denying accountability for the disastrous results that brings you, I'm afraid you're going to continue to sink into deeper problems than you have yet experienced.

 

Great post, LWP.

 

The part I bolded is what I really have trouble grasping, too. I'd love the wife to start her own thread so we can understand her mindset behind enabling all of this behavior, aside from her physical inability (or discomfort with, anyway) to have sex, because the original agreement has gone way beyond that. It bewilders me, as the only reason I would ever be ok with this is to get my husband off MY back lol. Like, if I just didn't really care for him anymore but still wanted the creature comforts he could provide.

 

Your date tonight really speaks volumes as to your state of mind, Snuggles .

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm hearing from mutual friends she isn't looking for anyone, doesn't have anyone, says she doesn't have time for one, doesn't want one, and misses me a lot. But doesn't want to talk to me because I don't handle conflict well. Hopefully, if I fix that with medication and therapy, she'll consider seeing me again, because that wasn't how I used to be.

 

Why can't anyone believe she enjoyed me too, that I met her needs?

 

Because that's reality, ST. You live in a fantasy world, like a little boy.

 

Neither of you met the needs of the other. You were both a bandaid on the twelve-inch-gaping bleeding wound of the other.

 

Whether you stick with this gf or get a new one, the situation is extremely dysfunctional and is going to take you further into a downward spiral.

 

If you refuse to discipline yourself to be a faithful husband, you are doing yourself, your wife, and a third woman you'll involve in your dysfunction, a favor to divorce, and take a good long time to heal before becoming involved with any woman again.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm hearing from mutual friends she isn't looking for anyone, doesn't have anyone, says she doesn't have time for one, doesn't want one, and misses me a lot. But doesn't want to talk to me because I don't handle conflict well. Hopefully, if I fix that with medication and therapy, she'll consider seeing me again, because that wasn't how I used to be.

 

Why can't anyone believe she enjoyed me too, that I met her needs?

 

ST, this seems to me to be classic junior high school thinking. I believe it's in your best interest, to grow up past allowing yourself to drift into this way of thinking. Best to quit talking to mutual friends about her and to focus on your marriage and your life.

 

I am coming back to edit this because I want you to know I don't mean to be harsh with you. But, I do want to encourage you to grow from this and establish a more comfortable existence. I believe you mentioned that you and your wife have a dance studio where you give lessons? Possibly you are of an artistic fanciful nature which is a wonderful thing but if you can couple that with facing reality and making wise choices, too, you will have a winning combination!

Edited January 21, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease