Broken up over innocent comment, I'm losing my mind

[Snuggle Tiger]

Kudos to anyone who read this .. I t would take a special kind of person to read through that much but your getting it out. I started reading and realized you started a relationship with a young pregnant women and that is iffy on your part and to assume you are now the father is even more creepy. As far as she is concerned, being pregnant is not the time to start a relationship especially with someone who has your instability concerns me,

 

I was a friend with a woman. She got pregnant by someone else.

 

She told me I dodged a bullet, because if she had known I was available that she would have started sleeping with me, and I would have ended up the father!

 

We ended up in a sexual relationship, she was pregnant but still liked and wanted sex, and my wife had cancer and pretty much can't have sex. Sounds like a win/win. Unexpectedly, we fell in love. I'm not the father, don't act like the father, never intended to be a father or father figure. Uncle figure, maybe. I've known the baby since birth, and love him like he was a part of my family. Knowing I may never see him again hurts, it hurts bad. He loved me, as much as any toddler can, and would reach for me whenever I drew near to his mom. I miss them both so much.

 

I don't know why you think I'm unstable, but I certainly am heartbroken, and often with heartbreak comes suicidal thoughts. There are plenty of people on LoveShack that have expressed the same kinds of feelings of pain and despair that I have expressed, I'm sure I speak for many of them when I say your comments aren't helpful to us. I'm sure that you mean well, but telling me I should not have gotten involved with someone 14 months ago doesn't help me now.

 

Even knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again.

[igotoverit]

I was a friend with a woman. She got pregnant by someone else.

 

She told me I dodged a bullet, because if she had known I was available that she would have started sleeping with me, and I would have ended up the father!

 

We ended up in a sexual relationship, she was pregnant but still liked and wanted sex, and my wife had cancer and pretty much can't have sex. Sounds like a win/win. Unexpectedly, we fell in love. I'm not the father, don't act like the father, never intended to be a father or father figure. Uncle figure, maybe. I've known the baby since birth, and love him like he was a part of my family. Knowing I may never see him again hurts, it hurts bad. He loved me, as much as any toddler can, and would reach for me whenever I drew near to his mom. I miss them both so much.

 

I don't know why you think I'm unstable, but I certainly am heartbroken, and often with heartbreak comes suicidal thoughts. There are plenty of people on LoveShack that have expressed the same kinds of feelings of pain and despair that I have expressed, I'm sure I speak for many of them when I say your comments aren't helpful to us. I'm sure that you mean well, but telling me I should not have gotten involved with someone 14 months ago doesn't help me now.

 

Even knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again.

 

Thank you for your honesty and as I said, I didn't go through your entire post. I probably wasn't in a position to give you any advice. I do apologize and I don't know what to tell you. Your situation doesn't seem stable because if you are in despair then you need to go nc and start to be stronger on your own. If your this weak, you are no good for her child. If I sound harsh, I am sorry. You ought to toughen up and man up and let this women go.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I think the FB thing was just projecting. He is angry about being toyed with. It's got to be hard enough trying to juggle this "non" traditional relationship around..Let alone your wife in the mix! I cannot even fathom having devotional love for two people but I do get that it hurts.

 

Maybe approach this like you would with any other break up. And go NC. Let her sort herself out. Leave it open that you love her. You and your wife accept her, as she is. Then let her go. See what happens. Build all your time with your wife right now and work on doing things with her.

 

The way I see it is that, you got the sex thing down. And you have the capacity for love. BIG love as it may be. Put that energy and feelings into your circle and have your family fortress built up around you to protect you and your big heart. Don't do anything brash and out of character for fear of ending up like the bad guy. Just play it cool and look inward. Mirror time buddy, mirror time. Best of luck.

[BaileyB]

I don't know why you think I'm unstable, but I certainly am heartbroken, and often with heartbreak comes suicidal thoughts. There are plenty of people on LoveShack that have expressed the same kinds of feelings of pain and despair that I have expressed.

 

Feelings of heartbreak do not often come with suicidal thoughts, definitely not in my experience. And, anytime anyone has expressed suicidal thoughts on LS, it is always followed by a variety of texts encouraging that person to seek help. Suicidal comments are usual either a sign of someone seeking attention, or someone who has suffered a significant loss and lacks the coping skills to deal with that loss in a healthy way. Let's not normalize suicidal thoughts...

[Snuggle Tiger]

Although you profess your love for her the above bolded stands in opposition to your claim. No one who loves another would want to expose the person in this way. I doubt you plan on doing it but the fact that you're so focused on your pain, instead of the pain she had to put up with the past year sharing you with your wife, knowing the two of you could never be married (Mentioning this is not to ignore what your wife had to endure, also. Sure, she allowed it because she had no choice.) and that you're getting pleasure out of the thought of publicly exposing her, speaks volumes.

 

Your ex gf's break up with you is most likely because she wants to be in a R with someone who is not married to someone else and who can be with her 24/7.

 

OP, have you ever been in IC?

 

I'm not going to expose our relationship like that. I'm grieving and am ghosted, and the idea of "revenge" feels good, but I won't do it.

 

She didn't mind sharing me with my wife. She THANKED my wife, and would always say things like "your wife is so sweet to let you come over, please thank her for me" on a constant and regular basis. Cindy was helping me plan an upcoming anniversary, giving me info on taking a cruise with my wife. She would always show concern for my wife, and make sure that if I took her to dinner that I had taken my wife 2 or 3 times. She is the most UN-jealous woman I have ever met, and was grateful that my wife would let her "borrow" me, to fill the void that was missing in her life.

 

My wife and girlfriend were both happy with the arrangement, and my wife is mad at the girlfriend for how it ended and wishes the girlfriend and I would get back together.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not going to expose our relationship like that. I'm grieving and am ghosted, and the idea of "revenge" feels good, but I won't do it.

 

She didn't mind sharing me with my wife. She THANKED my wife, and would always say things like "your wife is so sweet to let you come over, please thank her for me" on a constant and regular basis. Cindy was helping me plan an upcoming anniversary, giving me info on taking a cruise with my wife. She would always show concern for my wife, and make sure that if I took her to dinner that I had taken my wife 2 or 3 times. She is the most UN-jealous woman I have ever met, and was grateful that my wife would let her "borrow" me, to fill the void that was missing in her life.

 

My wife and girlfriend were both happy with the arrangement, and my wife is mad at the girlfriend for how it ended and wishes the girlfriend and I would get back together.

 

You had quite the set-up. No wonder you miss it. However, people have a right to end a relationship at any time, and for any reason they wish. Something about it just isn't working for her anymore, despite her claims of being cool with this for the somewhat distant future. She has changed her mind.

[BaileyB]

I would not be surprised if with the birth of her child, she reconsidered this arrangement and simply made another decision. And probably, rightfully so... I can't imagine that is little arrangement would have been healthy or sustainable long term.

[RecentChange]

I am heart broken for your wife. She surely deserves a saint hood to sit by and support you through this.

 

You are heart broken over the loss of your girlfriend? Personally, I would feel like chopped liver if my husband was balling his eyes out over another woman.

 

Sex is one thing. I could understand having a FWB, or a professional in this situation. But falling in love?

 

Was your wife okay with this? Sharing your love for another woman? Having to put up with you as you wallow around in heart break, over another woman, while she is right there... but she isn't enough to give you the will to live? Your girlfriend was more important?

 

Sorry its a kick while you are down, I suppose I expected more maturity and self control from a grandfather. First rule of casual sex / FWB. Don't fall in love... just don't let yourself go to that fantasy land.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Feelings of heartbreak do not often come with suicidal thoughts, definitely not in my experience. And, anytime anyone has expressed suicidal thoughts on LS, it is always followed by a variety of texts encouraging that person to seek help. Suicidal comments are usual either a sign of someone seeking attention, or someone who has suffered a significant loss and lacks the coping skills to deal with that loss in a healthy way. Let's not normalize suicidal thoughts...

 

I have never gone through a breakup in my life, and wasn't prepared to handle it. It was a bolt from the blue, unexpected, going from complete happiness and contentment to despair in under an hour for reasons that I can't comprehend.

 

I have sought help. Ideations aren't actions. I had two appointments today, more scheduled. I'm starting medications today.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have never gone through a breakup in my life

 

This explains a lot, including your long novella about your love as if it was something out of a story book. I don't mean to be snarky when I say that, but the way you told the story, I believe you really do think your love is one in a lifetime. But, it really isn't.

 

Your situation sounds a lot like a polygamous marriage with the way your wife was accepting of it and even angry that this woman has left the little situation you had going. Most of us won't be able to understand this particular dynamic, but I still maintain that your FWB is free to change her mind at any point, just as anyone in any relationship is. Sorry it happened to you.

[RecentChange]

We are harsh, because I think you fail to see that there are three victims here.

 

Not just you honey. I have a feeling your wife is very hurt, but perhaps doing a good job of hiding it.

 

And your girlfriend? She was always going to end up the loser here. You were never hers to have, she was just yours to have as it suited you. There was no future, it wasn't sustainable, she was the part time girlfriend of an older married man. Do you think she could hold her head up high? Do you think she did not feel shame about the situation? Do you think that she didn't feel second best, knowing that she would always be second fiddle?

 

You got to have your cake and eat it too, meanwhile both your wife, and your girlfriend were left the crumbs.

 

Once you get stable, spend some time trying to put yourself in their shoes, see this arrangement from their eyes, and ask yourself how fair it was.

[BaileyB]

I have never gone through a breakup in my life, and wasn't prepared to handle it. It was a bolt from the blue, unexpected, going from complete happiness and contentment to despair in under an hour for reasons that I can't comprehend.

 

I have sought help. Ideations aren't actions. I had two appointments today, more scheduled. I'm starting medications today.

 

Glad to hear it. I wish you well.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It would be interesting to know if, in any area of your life, you've ever not gotten what you wanted. Your wording of "losing your mind" (in your title) suggests you're really not used to not getting your own way. Does this ring true at all?

[Snuggle Tiger]

I am heart broken for your wife. She surely deserves a saint hood to sit by and support you through this.

 

You are heart broken over the loss of your girlfriend? Personally, I would feel like chopped liver if my husband was balling his eyes out over another woman.

 

Sex is one thing. I could understand having a FWB, or a professional in this situation. But falling in love?

 

Was your wife okay with this? Sharing your love for another woman? Having to put up with you as you wallow around in heart break, over another woman, while she is right there... but she isn't enough to give you the will to live? Your girlfriend was more important?

 

Sorry its a kick while you are down, I suppose I expected more maturity and self control from a grandfather. First rule of casual sex / FWB. Don't fall in love... just don't let yourself go to that fantasy land.

 

YES, my wife was ok with this, IT WAS HER IDEA. I have sought help for my suicidal thoughts, I didn't intend to carry them out. I said that I look forward to retirement with my wife and don't want to miss that.

 

I know first rule of casual sex / FWB. She fell in love with me first. I was in love too. It happens.

 

My wife is the most important person in the world to me. I can't explain the emotional meltdown that happened to me, only that it did and it hurts and I'm trying to cope with it as best I can, which hasn't been very well. Which sucks, and makes me feel even MORE like a worthless POS that really doesn't deserve her, or to even exist. Which aren't good thoughts to have and I'm getting help to work through.

[BarbedFenceRider]

We are harsh, because I think you fail to see that there are three victims here.

 

Not just you honey. I have a feeling your wife is very hurt, but perhaps doing a good job of hiding it.

 

And your girlfriend? She was always going to end up the loser here. You were never hers to have, she was just yours to have as it suited you. There was no future, it wasn't sustainable, she was the part time girlfriend of an older married man. Do you think she could hold her head up high? Do you think she did not feel shame about the situation? Do you think that she didn't feel second best, knowing that she would always be second fiddle?

 

You got to have your cake and eat it too, meanwhile both your wife, and your girlfriend were left the crumbs.

 

Once you get stable, spend some time trying to put yourself in their shoes, see this arrangement from their eyes, and ask yourself how fair it was.

 

Recent, I think the wife was the one who got this ball rolling so to speak. She had a debilitating condition that left her sexuality essentially gone. ( Yeah, I read the whole thing...)

Anyways, the wife is sad and mad too. Because her man was left out high and dry. Over a crib argument... I am kinda relating this to a poly type marriage so to speak. As it is hard for some of us trad guys to wrap our heads around. I do not hold any ill will. Just sad for the experience. And I also agree that your wife is saintly. She obviously has a big heart to allow so much love in her life as well.

 

One thing I do wonder as I look back from the pages.....She had been previously involved with other men that gave her babies, then divorced and gets pregnant with another guy. She is at a ballroom dance place and hooks up with older gentleman. While it looks like it went well for a long time, I wonder on the sincerity of the original outllook for this tryst...

[RecentChange]

Understand sex was her idea. And maybe she was totally cool with her husband going out and falling madly in love with someone else.

 

I would allow my husband to seek sex in a similar situation, absolutely. But I wouldn't want him to fall in love with someone else.

 

But you are right, maybe she was totally on board and likes the idea of some sort of triad, where he husband not only has sex with, but is deeply in love with, and committed to another woman.

[Snuggle Tiger]

It would be interesting to know if, in any area of your life, you've ever not gotten what you wanted. Your wording of "losing your mind" (in your title) suggests you're really not used to not getting your own way. Does this ring true at all?

 

Good question, thanks, but no, it doesn't ring true. There are plenty of times I don't get what I want, the world and all the people in it don't exist to serve me and I embrace the philosophy that "you make your own weather." My normal mode of life is only 10% of my mood is based on what other people say or do to me, the other 90% is how I choose to react. In my life I choose to react with kindness, compassion and care; I stick up for people that aren't there to stick up for themselves.

 

If you knew me in real life, you would find me to be one of the happiest people you have met. That might be one of the reasons I melted down so badly, I'm usually a pretty happy camper no matter what, but when I crashed, I crashed hard.

 

The depth of how crushed I felt shocked me, I fell apart, and then felt worse because I fell apart, and was a burden to my wife and co-workers. Crying to my wife how sorry I was that she was trying to comfort me over another woman seemed absurd, which only added to how bad I felt.

 

This has been the lowest I ever felt in my life, and I can't understand it, or comprehend it or deal with it. I know its all chemicals in the brain, but knowing that, and knowing time will help isn't helping. But it will.

 

I'm going to get better. Writing it out helped me a lot. I'm going to get better.

[healing light]

I read the whole story throughout your multiple posts, but I didn't read your responses to others.

 

I think this crib thing is a cover for her being unhappy with other dynamics of the relationship. Probably she realized that she doesn't have a long-term future with you unless your wife dies, so I'm sure behind the scenes she was always stressed about the facts of your relationship--especially since she couldn't integrate you as fully among her friends/social circles, etc.

 

This is just me assuming because of how big her reaction was to such a minor incident. It's symptomatic of her stress over deeper issues. If it truly was just about the comment, would you honestly want to spend some of the golden years of your life tiptoeing around every little thing you say? The more you beg and apologize, the more she will be pushed away and feel justified in her actions.

 

But, honestly, I think you need to find a space to grieve that doesn't involve your wife. That woman has been through enough. Not really fair to her, imo.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Good question, thanks, but no, it doesn't ring true. There are plenty of times I don't get what I want, the world and all the people in it don't exist to serve me and I embrace the philosophy that "you make your own weather." My normal mode of life is only 10% of my mood is based on what other people say or do to me, the other 90% is how I choose to react. In my life I choose to react with kindness, compassion and care; I stick up for people that aren't there to stick up for themselves.

 

If you knew me in real life, you would find me to be one of the happiest people you have met. That might be one of the reasons I melted down so badly, I'm usually a pretty happy camper no matter what, but when I crashed, I crashed hard.

 

The depth of how crushed I felt shocked me, I fell apart, and then felt worse because I fell apart, and was a burden to my wife and co-workers. Crying to my wife how sorry I was that she was trying to comfort me over another woman seemed absurd, which only added to how bad I felt.

 

This has been the lowest I ever felt in my life, and I can't understand it, or comprehend it or deal with it. I know its all chemicals in the brain, but knowing that, and knowing time will help isn't helping. But it will.

 

I'm going to get better. Writing it out helped me a lot. I'm going to get better.

 

Rejection hurts, Snuggles. We've all been there, and most of us more than once and in even worse ways (infidelity, abuse, lying). There IS healing, though. I'm really glad you're getting help.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm getting help to work through.

 

It's good that you're getting help, ST. I had asked you in my post if you've ever been in IC, but you didn't address that, which is fine, you had a lot of other things to address.

 

I don't mean this to be harsh and don't believe it is but in your fragile state, I hope you can think clearly about it.

 

I read your entire post and what stood out to me most is that as you're expressing yourself about your R with both Cindy and your Wife you write in a style that seems to me to be that of a fourth person, and a very young fourth person, at that.

 

It seemed to me as if a little child was standing outside the circle of you, Cindy and your wife and describing what that child saw. This seems to be the case to me in the style in which your narrative is written and also congruent with the way you behave in your R with both Cindy and your W.

 

Here's an example. What you said to Cindy that you believe upset her so badly was so petty and so mild that to me, she way over reacted. But, as soon as she began to express herself you seemed to respond in fear as if you were a child who was afraid of his mother being angry at him. You, also, were over reacting.

 

And with your wife, I see the same thing, little boy and mother, instead of man and wife. Your wife means more to you than anyone in the world but she has sacrificed the intimacy that most every woman expects in a marriage, that of being the only person her husband is sexually involved with. That is a huge sacrifice yet she has done it willingly. This is not the way a husband and wife interact in a healthy relationship. This great sacrifice is at the level of what a mother would do for a son. Indeed, you have gone to her for comfort, too, in the way a little boy would go to his mother.

 

Even the terms you and Cindy use for each other are conjure up images of very young, toddler children, Snuggle Tiger and Cindy Bear. Nothing wrong with these endearing terms, that's not the point.

 

Do you know that when a child goes through a traumatic event that until he experiences processing and healing for it, he isn't able to move on and mature? His development is arrested at the level it was when the trauma occurred. I wonder if something traumatic happened to you as a little boy, say about five years old or there about?

[Snuggle Tiger]

Understand sex was her idea. And maybe she was totally cool with her husband going out and falling madly in love with someone else.

 

I would allow my husband to seek sex in a similar situation, absolutely. But I wouldn't want him to fall in love with someone else.

 

But you are right, maybe she was totally on board and likes the idea of some sort of triad, where he husband not only has sex with, but is deeply in love with, and committed to another woman.

 

She wasn't thrilled that I fell in love with Cindy and honestly, neither was I. But I promised my wife that she was the most important woman in m life, that my love for her was undiminished, and I kept that promise. If there was conflict for time with the wife or the girlfriend, the wife won. And my wife always had the power to end the relationship with Cindy, and I would remind her of that often.

 

When I would depart for Cindy's, my wife would always kiss me goodby and in a cute, sweet voice say "have fun!" My wife is a fantastic, wonderful woman. I know the situation sounds nuts, but it worked for us.

[RecentChange]

She wasn't thrilled that I fell in love with Cindy and honestly, neither was I. But I promised my wife that she was the most important woman in m life, that my love for her was undiminished, and I kept that promise. If there was conflict for time with the wife or the girlfriend, the wife won. And my wife always had the power to end the relationship with Cindy, and I would remind her of that often.

.

 

What do you think your reaction would have been, if she put her foot down and said enough? Would you have been able to just end it? No hysterics like you are going through now?

 

Did she really have that option without a bunch of drama from you?

 

She wasn't happy about you falling in love - what did you do about that? Sounds like you just carried on, and she was forced to accept it.

 

All the snuggling, all the time spent with Cindy, those were times taken away from your wife. Even if she isn't able to have intercourse, I am sure she is still capable of snuggling and intimacy.

 

What did she do on those nights when you were out falling in love, having sex, and snuggling this other woman? This other woman that she wasn't thrilled about you falling in love with?

 

I don't know, maybe after all of those years, she was ready to hand you off to someone else part time. I do agree with the other poster, that the way you describe the relationship between you and your wife sounds almost parent / child. Do you two share any sexual activities together any more?

 

 

I would be really interested to hear her perspective. I am not exactly conventional, both my husband and I have had sex with other people. But love? Real intimacy? That is a hard line both of us know not to cross. So that is why I am having a hard time understanding your situation. But - there are poly relationships out there, just often those are a three way - it doesn't sound like your wife had any sort of relationship with Cindy.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm getting help to work through.

 

It's good that you're getting help, ST. I had asked you in my post if you've ever been in IC, but you didn't address that, which is fine, you had a lot of other things to address.

 

I don't mean this to be harsh and don't believe it is but in your fragile state, I hope you can think clearly about it.

 

I read your entire post and what stood out to me most is that as you're expressing yourself about your R with both Cindy and your Wife you write in a style that seems to me to be that of a fourth person, and a very young fourth person, at that.

 

It seemed to me as if a little child was standing outside the circle of you, Cindy and your wife and describing what that child saw. This seems to be the case to me in the style in which your narrative is written and also congruent with the way you behave in your R with both Cindy and your W.

 

Here's an example. What you said to Cindy that you believe upset her so badly was so petty and so mild that to me, she way over reacted. But, as soon as she began to express herself you seemed to respond in fear as if you were a child who was afraid of his mother being angry at him.

 

And with your wife, I see the same thing, little boy and mother, instead of man and wife. Your wife means more to you than anyone in the world but she has sacrificed the intimacy that most every woman expects in a marriage, that of being the only person her husband is sexually involved with. That is a huge sacrifice yet she has done it willingly. This is not the way a husband and wife interact in a healthy relationship. This great sacrifice is at the level of what a mother would do for a son. Indeed, you have gone to her for comfort, too, in the way a little boy would go to his mother. And your wife has nurtured you in a motherly way to the point of even wanting to go talk to Cindy to straighten out the situation.

 

Even the terms you and Cindy use for each other conjure up images of very young, toddler children, Snuggle Tiger and Cindy Bear. Nothing wrong with these endearing terms, that's not the point.

 

Now you're in a state that you aren't prepared to cope with because quite possibly you don't have the emotional maturity to do so.

 

Do you know that when a child goes through a traumatic event that until he experiences processing and healing for it, he isn't able to move on and mature? His development is arrested at the level it was when the trauma occurred. This all causes me to wonder if something happened to you as a little boy, something that was very traumatic to you that you haven't yet processed?

 

I am so glad you wrote that you're going to get help with all of this. I hope you'll, in addition to getting meds from your Dr., also make an appointment with a therapist to work through this and explore all that is going on in your mind related to this and to your childhood.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What do you think your reaction would have been, if she put her foot down and said enough? Would you have been able to just end it? No hysterics like you are going through now?

 

Did she really have that option without a bunch of drama from you?

 

She wasn't happy about you falling in love - what did you do about that? Sounds like you just carried on, and she was forced to accept it.

 

 

I was wondering this as well.

[Snuggle Tiger]

We are harsh, because I think you fail to see that there are three victims here.

 

Not just you honey. I have a feeling your wife is very hurt, but perhaps doing a good job of hiding it.

 

And your girlfriend? She was always going to end up the loser here. You were never hers to have, she was just yours to have as it suited you. There was no future, it wasn't sustainable, she was the part time girlfriend of an older married man. Do you think she could hold her head up high? Do you think she did not feel shame about the situation? Do you think that she didn't feel second best, knowing that she would always be second fiddle?

 

You got to have your cake and eat it too, meanwhile both your wife, and your girlfriend were left the crumbs.

 

Once you get stable, spend some time trying to put yourself in their shoes, see this arrangement from their eyes, and ask yourself how fair it was.

 

There are three victims here, I agree.

 

My girlfriend wasn't ending up a "loser," the relationship made her happy and she loved me and I her. She repeatedly told me she didn't have the time to be in a normal relationship, and that I worked perfectly for her. I have no reason to doubt that.

 

I won't be talked into feeling guilty for the relationship I had with either my wife or Cindy. I agree I got to have my cake and eat it too, but Cindy never tried to make demands on my time or hinted she wanted more. It was a juggling act on HER end to get the time together we DID have, and frequently plans were changed at the last minute.

 

There are things I want to post but won't because it would make us identifiable, but her words and DEEDS demonstrated beyond a doubt that she was happy with our arrangement right up until I told her to try putting her baby in a crib, and she thought I was trying to stop her from co-sleeping.

 

If I had just STFU right there said I was sorry, and not tried to pin the blame on her for misunderstanding what I meant, we would still be together. That just kills me.