Broken up over innocent comment, I'm losing my mind

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If I had just STFU right there said I was sorry, and not tried to pin the blame on her for misunderstanding what I meant, we would still be together. That just kills me.

 

This is doubtful. For her, this was the last straw. You just weren't informed she wasn't happy with the arrangement anymore. Unless she's crazy, relationships don't end over something so minor.

[BaileyB]

she was happy with our arrangement right up until I told her to try putting her baby in a crib, and she thought I was trying to stop her from co-sleeping.

 

If I had just STFU right there said I was sorry, and not tried to pin the blame on her for misunderstanding what I meant, we would still be together. That just kills me.

 

I'm not so sure about that. I don't for a minute believe that this whole arrangement blew up because of a single comment about cosleeping. I have a feeling that she had changed her mind before you made this comment, or was at least considering ending the arrangement before you made the comment, and this just happened to be the moment that she decided to walk away...

[Snuggle Tiger]

I was wondering this as well.

 

I would have ended it. I would have been sad and shed some tears, but Cindy and I hadn't had the accumulated experiences yet that would have made a breakup so hard for me. I would have kept a friend.

 

I told my wife I had fallen in love with Cindy, and I didn't have to do that.

 

I told my wife I would stop seeing Cindy if she wanted me to, and I didn't have to do that either.

 

I could have kept my mouth shut and just kept seeing my "FWB" but felt I had crossed a line I never intended to cross, she had a right to know and a right to end it.

 

It wasn't until my wife said I could keep seeing Cindy that I allowed my love for Cindy to truly blossom. I continued to tell my wife she had veto power, and she did.

[RecentChange]

There are things I want to post but won't because it would make us identifiable, but her words and DEEDS demonstrated beyond a doubt that she was happy with our arrangement right up until I told her to try putting her baby in a crib, and she thought I was trying to stop her from co-sleeping.

 

If I had just STFU right there said I was sorry, and not tried to pin the blame on her for misunderstanding what I meant, we would still be together. That just kills me.

 

But that makes no rational, logical sense. Was Cindy often irrational and prone to making sudden, rash decisions?

 

One does not just walk away from someone they love deeply, and have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship with, over a very small disagreement. I am sure your wife and you have had disagreements before, but you worked it out right? Because you love each other, and thats what people in love, and in healthy relationships do.

 

Maybe she hasn't told you the whole story, maybe no one can understand the whole story.

 

But I am willing to bet, if it wasn't the co-sleeping, it would have been something else soon. This sounds like a straw that broke the camels back type situation.

[RecentChange]

what I meant, we would still be together. That just kills me.

 

Here is another question for you. Or perhaps something to mull over.

 

ALL relationships, ever single one we ever encounter come to an end. Its a fact of life. We have friends we drift apart from. Parents who die. Lovers who move on etc.

 

You hope the relationship between you and your wife ends with your death.

 

How did you want your relationship with Cindy to end? Because it needed to end at some point. Surely she couldn't live this life of secrecy forever. Keeping you a dirty little secret. Not being able to be truthful to her friends and family. Needing the opportunity to love on, and find a full time love of her life, not a part time married man.

 

Sounds like she pulled the band-aid off. What would you have preferred? A slow pull away. Just perhaps getting colder to you, until she revealed she had another lover or something?

 

Unlike you and your wife, this wasn't ever going to be a death do us part.... it had an expiration date. This wasn't going to be forever.

 

I know you say you haven't experienced a break up before, but for most, its part of life. Something we experience, grow from, and move on.

[Snuggle Tiger]

This is doubtful. For her, this was the last straw. You just weren't informed she wasn't happy with the arrangement anymore. Unless she's crazy, relationships don't end over something so minor.

 

Relationships DON'T end over something so minor.

 

I refuse to believe she wanted out because in a 30 hours period she held me, looked into my eyes and told me how much she loved me, said how much having me in her life meant to her, how thankful she was to my wife for letting me spend time with her. We made love repeatedly, she told me again how much our time together meant to her. We had a wonderful dinner out, got home and make love again. We cuddled and she told me AGAIN how special I am to her, that she loves me so much and is sad that I'm going home the next morning. I refuse to believe she would act and talk to me the ways she did and then in less than an hour blew it the hell up because in reality she wanted out. Not a chance.

 

My theory is she never got over the first argument we had a month before, saw the second one as me trying to manipulate her, and having been married to a man she said abused her for 15 years assumed that I was now going to start crap with her by telling her not to co-sleep, and she wanted no part of that.

 

Or she's crazy and hid it well. Since her mom shows signs of mental illness, and her daughter is bi-polar, I think she might have a bit going on that I wasn't aware of until now.

 

I refuse to believe our love was a lie.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

My theory is she never got over the first argument we had a month before, saw the second one as me trying to manipulate her, and having been married to a man she said abused her for 15 years assumed that I was now going to start crap with her by telling her not to co-sleep, and she wanted no part of that.

 

Or she's crazy and hid it well. Since her mom shows signs of mental illness, and her daughter is bi-polar, I think she might have a bit going on that I wasn't aware of until now.

 

 

And you want to continue this?

[Snuggle Tiger]

This explains a lot, including your long novella about your love as if it was something out of a story book. I don't mean to be snarky when I say that, but the way you told the story, I believe you really do think your love is one in a lifetime. But, it really isn't.

 

Your situation sounds a lot like a polygamous marriage with the way your wife was accepting of it and even angry that this woman has left the little situation you had going. Most of us won't be able to understand this particular dynamic, but I still maintain that your FWB is free to change her mind at any point, just as anyone in any relationship is. Sorry it happened to you.

 

Every love that endures is a beautiful story of souls finding each other in the chaos that is life and forging a future together. That doesn't make it special to anyone else, but it does make it special to me.

 

She is free to change her mind at any time, and I said that to her many times. If she wanted out for any reason she could have and would have simply told me its not working for her anymore. You know, as opposed to telling me again and again in the hours before how happy she was, and then blowing us up.

[Snuggle Tiger]

It's good that you're getting help, ST. I had asked you in my post if you've ever been in IC, but you didn't address that, which is fine, you had a lot of other things to address.

 

I don't mean this to be harsh and don't believe it is but in your fragile state, I hope you can think clearly about it.

 

I read your entire post and what stood out to me most is that as you're expressing yourself about your R with both Cindy and your Wife you write in a style that seems to me to be that of a fourth person, and a very young fourth person, at that.

 

It seemed to me as if a little child was standing outside the circle of you, Cindy and your wife and describing what that child saw. This seems to be the case to me in the style in which your narrative is written and also congruent with the way you behave in your R with both Cindy and your W.

 

Here's an example. What you said to Cindy that you believe upset her so badly was so petty and so mild that to me, she way over reacted. But, as soon as she began to express herself you seemed to respond in fear as if you were a child who was afraid of his mother being angry at him.

 

And with your wife, I see the same thing, little boy and mother, instead of man and wife. Your wife means more to you than anyone in the world but she has sacrificed the intimacy that most every woman expects in a marriage, that of being the only person her husband is sexually involved with. That is a huge sacrifice yet she has done it willingly. This is not the way a husband and wife interact in a healthy relationship. This great sacrifice is at the level of what a mother would do for a son. Indeed, you have gone to her for comfort, too, in the way a little boy would go to his mother. And your wife has nurtured you in a motherly way to the point of even wanting to go talk to Cindy to straighten out the situation.

 

Even the terms you and Cindy use for each other conjure up images of very young, toddler children, Snuggle Tiger and Cindy Bear. Nothing wrong with these endearing terms, that's not the point.

 

Now you're in a state that you aren't prepared to cope with because quite possibly you don't have the emotional maturity to do so.

 

Do you know that when a child goes through a traumatic event that until he experiences processing and healing for it, he isn't able to move on and mature? His development is arrested at the level it was when the trauma occurred. This all causes me to wonder if something happened to you as a little boy, something that was very traumatic to you that you haven't yet processed?

 

I am so glad you wrote that you're going to get help with all of this. I hope you'll, in addition to getting meds from your Dr., also make an appointment with a therapist to work through this and explore all that is going on in your mind related to this and to your childhood.

 

I didn't know what IC meant. I know now. I have appointments for them. I have talked to someone once as an emergency, right after this blew up and I was falling apart.

 

In hindsight I see signs that I missed. She always parsed phone calls, texts and emails from her ex in the most negative light possible...I would read them (she asked me to) or overhear the phone calls (she held the phone so I could) and often see/hear what I thought were reasonable statements. And she would tell me she blew up at her kids, but I never once saw it in person. She would say she was yelling / screaming at them. But I never saw it.

 

My writing style might be a bit unconventional. I'm good at technical writing, but this touchy feely stuf comes harder.

 

Blinders coming off....

[Snuggle Tiger]

I wrote a poem today...I'm in the highest of high technology, poetry isn't my thing, but this (for what it is or isn't worth) was quick and easy

 

Good intention, missed meaning quickly takes flight

Turn faulty perceptions into a fight

Trying to help, and a no that was missed,

Forces an end to our Bubble Time tryst

I wish you and I could go back in time,

To those moments before, when I knew you were mine

My heart breaks, I miss you all day and all night,

My -----, sweet -----, is no longer in sight

I would give everything to show you what’s in my heart,

If you knew my intentions, we never would part.

 

 

She wrote me one not long ago....

 

The silence has settled, the world is still

Darkness has fallen, as it always will

I study your lashes, closed now in sleep

I could hold you forever, my love runs so deep

My fingers brush your hands, so dear to my heart

Soon sunrise will come and then we will part

Would that I could freeze time, forever this way

Frozen in time this moment could stay.

 

 

My God, I miss her. *sniff* This weekend is going to be rough, Friday and Saturday would be our bi-weekly "bubble time". I miss her so much.

[IReallyLovePuppies]

OP, seriously mate.. You need to move on and get help.

 

I know of no woman who is totally in love with her man and will be happy to have her man fall in love with another woman. Your wife is amazing that she'll let and approve you to sleep with someone else cause she can't satisfy you, but for you to rub that into her face that you've fallen in love with someone younger and probably more beautiful than her.. I can only imagine the tears she's crying when you are not there.

 

There's no question your wife is hurt.. none. Human isn't programmef to be able to love someone as much as your wife loves you and have you be in love with someone else.. your wife acceptance is probably due to how strong she is inside.. And how she puts your happiness before her.

 

Yes.. Your wife is angry with Cindy for hurting the man she loves but I can tell you she's celebrating inside cause she now have you back again.. for someone your age, you are totally clueless about how a woman in love feels and think.

 

You are being selfish.. Being with a gal young enough to be able to start her life with someone more committed and you're here crying about how your life is ending when you have a wonderful and supporting wife?

 

Wake the f**k up mate.. Have you read most of the posts on here? Most are about how their SO cheating.. Breaking up on them and you are throwing your selfish 'I'm the victim' into this board? All of us will love to have a SO like your wife..

 

You've got a good woman.. Yes, I understand she can't satisfy you sexually.. she gave you the ok.. Go out, have your cake and eat it.. But don't expect us to feel sorry for what you are doing to both Cindy and your wife.

 

Like many posters.. This thread make me sad and angry.. Peace out..

Edited January 12, 2018 by IReallyLovePuppies

[springy]

You went all in with a broken woman who was on the rebound. One cannot know what kind of inner conflict was going on. Lots of grand love is expressed and mind blowing sex is had within days, sometimes hours of sudden break ups. She has changed her mind - you may never know the exact reason, but as affairs often do it blew up and ended horribly.

 

Consider yourself blessed to have never known heartbreak until now. You could have walked away when you realized this was evolving into an emotional attachment. You didn't need your wife's permission to do that. That was your chance to end things on your terms.

 

It is not worth ending your life over. Heartache can heal. You will be okay.

 

I hope you are able to sort yourself out and shift your whole heart back to your wife. I hope she gets some sort of individual counseling for herself as well.

[Snuggle Tiger]

You went all in with a broken woman who was on the rebound. One cannot know what kind of inner conflict was going on. Lots of grand love is expressed and mind blowing sex is had within days, sometimes hours of sudden break ups. She has changed her mind - you may never know the exact reason, but as affairs often do it blew up and ended horribly.

 

Consider yourself blessed to have never known heartbreak until now. You could have walked away when you realized this was evolving into an emotional attachment. You didn't need your wife's permission to do that. That was your chance to end things on your terms.

 

It is not worth ending your life over. Heartache can heal. You will be okay.

 

I hope you are able to sort yourself out and shift your whole heart back to your wife. I hope she gets some sort of individual counseling for herself as well.

 

I never thought of Cindy as a broken woman, and if I had ever said that to her she would have gone off on me. That doesn't mean it isn't true! I'm not going to end my life, I will heal. Once I'm past Friday and Saturday, I think I'll start to get better.

 

I got the girlfriend a card to say I missed her, and I was driving to her place to drop it off this afternoon and turned around halfway there. I was driving home from a Viennese Waltz class tonight and have to go right past her place, and I didn't stop. I don't expect a medal. But I can feel myself getting a bit stronger almost by the hour. I'm sure I'll have days that aren't this way. Just forcing myself to keep as normal a life as possible will help.

 

My wife is in counseling and we had couple counseling before all of this started. And I saw someone last Friday and again today, and next week, and have other appointments set up.

[Snuggle Tiger]

OP, seriously mate.. You need to move on and get help.

 

I know of no woman who is totally in love with her man and will be happy to have her man fall in love with another woman. Your wife is amazing that she'll let and approve you to sleep with someone else cause she can't satisfy you, but for you to rub that into her face that you've fallen in love with someone younger and probably more beautiful than her.. I can only imagine the tears she's crying when you are not there.

 

There's no question your wife is hurt.. none. Human isn't programmef to be able to love someone as much as your wife loves you and have you be in love with someone else.. your wife acceptance is probably due to how strong she is inside.. And how she puts your happiness before her.

 

Yes.. Your wife is angry with Cindy for hurting the man she loves but I can tell you she's celebrating inside cause she now have you back again.. for someone your age, you are totally clueless about how a woman in love feels and think.

 

You are being selfish.. Being with a gal young enough to be able to start her life with someone more committed and you're here crying about how your life is ending when you have a wonderful and supporting wife?

 

Wake the f**k up mate.. Have you read most of the posts on here? Most are about how their SO cheating.. Breaking up on them and you are throwing your selfish 'I'm the victim' into this board? All of us will love to have a SO like your wife..

 

You've got a good woman.. Yes, I understand she can't satisfy you sexually.. she gave you the ok.. Go out, have your cake and eat it.. But don't expect us to feel sorry for what you are doing to both Cindy and your wife.

 

Like many posters.. This thread make me sad and angry.. Peace out..

 

She's not crying when I'm not here. She gets the paper and goes to IHOP. She sees movies that she wants to see, and reads books and sleeps in. I encourage her to hand out with friends. I should have her get an account so she can explain her end of things but I can only imagine the abuse she would take for allowing me to sleep with someone else. We have incredibly open communications, its because I was honest with her the whole time that it worked. If she knows the girl, if she approves, if she encourages it, if she tells me to HAVE FUN when I leave, she isn't crying when I'm gone.

 

What most people write about here is PEOPLE CHEATING, but it's not cheating if I'm allowed, its an OPEN RELATIONSHIP and its based on HONESTY. Sorry if that makes people sad and angry, but folks need to deal with it.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Here is another question for you. Or perhaps something to mull over.

 

ALL relationships, ever single one we ever encounter come to an end. Its a fact of life. We have friends we drift apart from. Parents who die. Lovers who move on etc.

 

You hope the relationship between you and your wife ends with your death.

 

How did you want your relationship with Cindy to end? Because it needed to end at some point. Surely she couldn't live this life of secrecy forever. Keeping you a dirty little secret. Not being able to be truthful to her friends and family. Needing the opportunity to love on, and find a full time love of her life, not a part time married man.

 

Sounds like she pulled the band-aid off. What would you have preferred? A slow pull away. Just perhaps getting colder to you, until she revealed she had another lover or something?

 

Unlike you and your wife, this wasn't ever going to be a death do us part.... it had an expiration date. This wasn't going to be forever.

 

I know you say you haven't experienced a break up before, but for most, its part of life. Something we experience, grow from, and move on.

 

I assumed the intimate relationship would end no later than when she graduated college, she thought it would end later. As I said a dozen times, I told her if she met someone she liked, that she should tell me and I would back off, If she met another guy, GOOD FOR HER! I would be happy for her, I told her many times she deserves someone to call her own. I would have been sad for a bit but I would still have a friend and dance partner. If she found another guy then she did what I told her she SHOULD do many times.

 

There is a lot going on in my life recently that conjured up a lot of emotions. A recent death, a promotion at work delayed two months while people dragged their feet and some other things that I can't say because it would be too much personal life detail and make me recognizable to others. But a LOT of stuff. A pile of stuff. I was dealing with it all, but the girlfriend thing just pushed me over the edge.

[clist8511]

She's not crying when I'm not here. She gets the paper and goes to IHOP. She sees movies that she wants to see, and reads books and sleeps in. I encourage her to hand out with friends. I should have her get an account so she can explain her end of things but I can only imagine the abuse she would take for allowing me to sleep with someone else. We have incredibly open communications, its because I was honest with her the whole time that it worked. If she knows the girl, if she approves, if she encourages it, if she tells me to HAVE FUN when I leave, she isn't crying when I'm gone.

 

What most people write about here is PEOPLE CHEATING, but it's not cheating if I'm allowed, its an OPEN RELATIONSHIP and its based on HONESTY. Sorry if that makes people sad and angry, but folks need to deal with it.

 

When women tell you to "have fun!" that's always, 100%, NOT what they mean.

[frigginlost]

She's not crying when I'm not here. She gets the paper and goes to IHOP. She sees movies that she wants to see, and reads books and sleeps in. I encourage her to hand out with friends. I should have her get an account so she can explain her end of things but I can only imagine the abuse she would take for allowing me to sleep with someone else. We have incredibly open communications, its because I was honest with her the whole time that it worked. If she knows the girl, if she approves, if she encourages it, if she tells me to HAVE FUN when I leave, she isn't crying when I'm gone.

 

What most people write about here is PEOPLE CHEATING, but it's not cheating if I'm allowed, its an OPEN RELATIONSHIP and its based on HONESTY. Sorry if that makes people sad and angry, but folks need to deal with it.

 

Should folks deal with it the same way you are dealing with the fact that the girlfriend wants nothing to do with you? Should folks deal with it like your total and complete denial that a woman can change her mind?

 

Take a long read at many of these threads on these boards. My ex wife and I celebrated our 18th anniversary and the very next day she asked for a divorce. I never saw it coming...

 

Climb down off that horse of yours and realize one very important thing; no two people no matter who they are think exactly alike.

 

Move on from the girlfriend, take care of your wife, continue getting help for yourself, and grow the f*ck up. You're 50.

 

Your situation allows you many options that most who have been heart shattered never get. Be thankful for that.

Edited January 12, 2018 by frigginlost

[Snuggle Tiger]

When women tell you to "have fun!" that's always, 100%, NOT what they mean.

 

Except when she says it she has a twinkle in her eye and a smile on her face, and is hugging and kissing me goodbye.

 

Look, I know it sounds preposterous, but then again so do many other relationships.

 

I'm not telling my wife I have to go out of town on business, I'm not saying I'm working late or meeting my buddies for beer and pool. She knows exactly where I am, who I'm with, and approved of the situation.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Should folks deal with it the same way you are dealing with the fact that the girlfriend wants nothing to do with you? Should folks deal with it like your total and complete denial that a woman can change her mind?

 

Take a long read at many of these threads on these boards. My ex wife and I celebrated our 18th anniversary and the very next day she asked for a divorce. I never saw it coming...

 

Climb down off that horse of yours and realize one very important thing; no two people no matter who they are think exactly alike.

 

Move on from the girlfriend, take care of your wife, continue getting help for yourself, and grow the f*ck up. You're 50.

 

Your situation allows you many options that most who have been heart shattered never get. Be thankful for that.

 

I came here originally because I thought it would be cathartic to pour out my soul. I'm smart enough to know that after a breakup we tend to form an idealized picture of the relationship we lost, and I'm trying to make myself remember the reality of it. I wasn't expecting the backlash, but in almost every reply there is something helpful.

 

Anyone can change their mind, but I'm telling you that isn't what happened. She thought I was trying to tell her to stop co-sleeping and it upset her to no end. Its the same kind of overreaction I would see her do to her ex-husband whenever he would contact her about the kids. In hindsight, I saw the signs, I just never thought that kind of vitriol over nothing would be directed at me.

 

I'm sorry for your loss after 18 years, I can't imagine how painful it would be to be blindsided by that.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Rejection hurts, Snuggles. We've all been there, and most of us more than once and in even worse ways (infidelity, abuse, lying). There IS healing, though. I'm really glad you're getting help.

 

Thank you, C/O. My wife and I were high school sweethearts since I was 14 and she was 16 and have been inseparable since then and married 39 years, so I really have no experience with breakups. Nothing else in life prepares you for how that feels!

 

My wife consoling me made me feel worse, I wasn't asking for it, nor did I want it. I was trying to hide how sad I was from her, but she would see through it and try to hold and comfort me, and that is when I would truly break down and feel at my lowest.

 

I'll heal. Getting past today and Saturday will help since this is the first bi-weekly "bubble time" since the breakup.

[basil67]

I would have been sad for a bit but I would still have a friend and dance partner. If she found another guy then she did what I told her she SHOULD do many times.

 

You keep talking about how you'd be friends with Cindy when she eventually moves on to someone else. Mate, you're old enough and with enough life experience to know that you can't expect it to happen this way.

 

When she meets a new guy, he's not going to want the guy she used to shag calling her for chats and taking her dancing. If she's got integrity, she will know this already. If she hasn't figured it out, he will push her to choose and either way, the choice would have made her feel really bad.

 

Please give yourself a reality check about your ideas about staying friends with her if she had moved on for another man. It wouldn't have happened.

[Snuggle Tiger]

You keep talking about how you'd be friends with Cindy when she eventually moves on to someone else. Mate, you're old enough and with enough life experience to know that you can't expect it to happen this way.

 

When she meets a new guy, he's not going to want the guy she used to shag calling her for chats and taking her dancing. If she's got integrity, she will know this already. If she hasn't figured it out, he will push her to choose and either way, the choice would have made her feel really bad.

 

Please give yourself a reality check about your ideas about staying friends with her if she had moved on for another man. It wouldn't have happened.

 

Your're probably right. It was a pipe dream. Its over, and the quicker I can get myself to deal with it the better off I'll be.

 

I have a lot of photographs, some I know she will want like newborn pictures (not my kid if you haven't read the wall 'o text) and I can't decide if I should work on them now to get it done with or if I should wait a few months until I'm healed a bit. Doing it now would be excruciating, doing it later might reopen the wounds.

 

I had already purchased beautiful frames for the baby photos, and as difficult as it will be to work on them I know one day (if not already) she will be distraught she didn't get them, and I'll always feel guilty if I don't give them to her. I would really rather not do it and just delete all of them, along with the backups, but that seems like a crappy thing to do.

[RecentChange]

Why can't you just send her a flash drive with the photos? She will be free to do what she pleases with them then. I don't think you need to frame them etc... For all you know, having the frame etc from you, will be a reminder she does not want on her wall.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Why can't you just send her a flash drive with the photos? She will be free to do what she pleases with them then. I don't think you need to frame them etc... For all you know, having the frame etc from you, will be a reminder she does not want on her wall.

 

Good idea! That's what I'll do. And I'll send her a bill for the drive.

[basil67]

Good idea! That's what I'll do. And I'll send her a bill for the drive.

 

Or do it on drop box. No cost to you.