Broken up over innocent comment, I'm losing my mind

[Jdoublenn]

When women tell you to "have fun!" that's always, 100%, NOT what they mean.

 

Not necessarily. Better to write 99%.

[Snuggle Tiger]

I feel worse today than I did yesterday. Friday and Saturday would have been our "bubble time," the first one apart and thought if I could get through that I would start to feel better.

 

Yesterday wasn't bad, but today feels like constant panic attacks, at least that's what I think they are. Sudden surges of adrenaline that come out of nowhere again and again and again, and I can be thinking of something wholly unrelated when the surge comes, and my brain is ripped back into reality that "Cindy" doesn't love me anymore, and the stupid suicidal ideations kick in again.

 

My wife and I went to the zoo today, beautiful sunny weather and uncharacteristically warm for January, but I just couldn't enjoy it. Just wham, wham, wham. So screwed up. She's such a saint.

 

Well, I guess I'm asking for another round of abuse here. Its hard to convince people that my wife was sincere in wanting me to have an outside relationship to provide the things she no longer can due to her cancer. And nobody believes it was a beneficial arrangement for my exGF too. But of course anyone has a right to and anything anytime, but ours was ended on stupid misunderstanding of what I said to her about putting a baby in a crib. We didn't disagree on it, but she's convinced otherwise. None of it matters though. None of it matters.

 

The silence has settled, the world is still,

Darkness has fallen, as it always will

I remember your smile, so beautiful in sleep,

I’ll miss you forever, my love runs so deep

My fingers brush your hand, so dear to my heart,

If only I had known how soon we would part!

Would that I could freeze time, forever this way

Frozen in time this moment could stay…

You can co-sleep forever with baby so fair

You think I don’t want to, but that thought isn’t there!

It was only an idea, something to try for now

to offer a break to your tired brow

Not tomorrow, or next week, not even all night,

And I never intended to start a big fight!

How I wish I had never assembled his bed,

If I hadn’t built it, our love wouldn’t be dead!

Nothing else in world ever caused us distress,

But misunderstanding about where baby would rest

Good intention, missed meaning quickly take flight,

Turn assumptions, perceptions into a fight

Tried to help you a little, but a no that was missed,

Caused a tear filled end to our Bubble Time tryst…

I wish you and I could go back in time,

To those moments before, when I knew you were mine

My heart breaks, I miss you all day and all night,

My lover, my Cindy, is no longer in sight.

I’d give all that I own to show what’s in my heart,

If you knew my intentions, we never would part

Your puzzle piece is missing, adrift in the sea,

But If you knew my intentions, you’d still love me

I had good intentions, O God, why can’t she see?

Our love story’s ending doesn’t have to be!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Its hard to convince people that my wife was sincere in wanting me to have an outside relationship to provide the things she no longer can due to her cancer.

 

Does your wife have brain cancer and is no longer able to be cognitively there to provide intellectual stimulation and emotional support/connection?

[healing light]

Okay, this is going to sound harsh but realize I am genuinely trying to help.

 

I understand that your wife was fine with you seeking another woman for sexual relations, but even you admit that she wasn't thrilled when you fell in love with the girl. That's perfectly human. She probably felt an open relationship in this regard was the best option for keeping her marriage, so she didn't want you to not have certain needs met.

 

That being said, this constant crying over the other woman in front of your wife is ****ty.

 

Furthermore, while I'm sure there were benefits for Cindy short-term, long-term this situation was complete crap for her. The dysfunction was built in to the agreement, the relationship had an expiration date. She would only ever get half of you when she deserves a full partner. I'm not sure why you can't understand this one?

 

Ultimately, your focus on your own pain while actively grieving in front of a fully committed and loving wife, and insisting all was well, and you could have just discarded this in a heartbeat if your wife wanted you to comes across as naive and childish to me. Who do you think you are kidding here?

 

Trust me, this didn't end over the crib. The crib is just the surface excuse. The only true benefactor of this situation was you.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Okay, this is going to sound harsh but realize I am genuinely trying to help.

 

I understand that your wife was fine with you seeking another woman for sexual relations, but even you admit that she wasn't thrilled when you fell in love with the girl. That's perfectly human. She probably felt an open relationship in this regard was the best option for keeping her marriage, so she didn't want you to not have certain needs met.

 

That being said, this constant crying over the other woman in front of your wife is ****ty.

 

Furthermore, while I'm sure there were benefits for Cindy short-term, long-term this situation was complete crap for her. The dysfunction was built in to the agreement, the relationship had an expiration date. She would only ever get half of you when she deserves a full partner. I'm not sure why you can't understand this one?

 

Ultimately, your focus on your own pain while actively grieving in front of a fully committed and loving wife, and insisting all was well, and you could have just discarded this in a heartbeat if your wife wanted you to comes across as naive and childish to me. Who do you think you are kidding here?

 

Trust me, this didn't end over the crib. The crib is just the surface excuse. The only true benefactor of this situation was you.

 

 

Her initial "less than thrilled" was for about 2 hours. As for Cindy only getting half of me, that was why it worked so well for her. She didn't want a full time guy because she has no time for one. And I don't have time for a full time GF. Every other week worked pretty good.

 

As for discarding it had the wife requested, I kept telling the wife that early in the relationship with the GF, and once the GF said she loved me and I realized I loved her, I did give the wife another couple "if you want this to end, you need to tell me now before I get in even deeper" and she was fine with it continuing.

 

No, the crib thing was about nothing but the crib. She has a weird streak and gets in her head these excruciatingly stubborn ideas, and even if provably wrong just won't change her mind. She is certain this was a sneaky attempt to get her to stop co-sleeping, and since in her mind it was the second time, she's done.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I kept telling the wife that early in the relationship with the GF, and once the GF said she loved me and I realized I loved her, I did give the wife another couple "if you want this to end, you need to tell me now before I get in even deeper" and she was fine with it continuing.

 

 

What do you think the likelihood of you being "fine" with ending it if your wife said to, given how you're reacting now that it's actually over? What's the difference in who called it - your wife or your FWB?

[Snuggle Tiger]

What do you think the likelihood of you being "fine" with ending it if your wife said to, given how you're reacting now that it's actually over? What's the difference in who called it - your wife or your FWB?

 

Back then I would have been sad, but I could have dealt with it a lot easier then. Cindy told me she loved me about two months after our relationship moved past just being friends and it caught me by surprise. I told my wife that if she wanted me to end it that now would be the time, because if she changed her mind later it would only be harder.

 

Another year went by before it ended. I'm surprised how hard its been, but I didn't see it coming at all. If she had even a second's hesitation about us, then telling me the things she did in the hours before it ended was cruel and callous.

Edited January 16, 2018 by Snuggle Tiger

[CaliBabe]

If you want to look at things in a positive way, you can be grateful you have such an amazing wife. Many of us get dumped and have to go through our feelings alone. I would have loved to have a husband to get over being dumped by my boyfriend. Sure would have made things easier.

 

Your wife is a saint.

[healing light]

I think it will help you to know that things can often change for women once we fall in love. Her willingness to go along with the arrangement at the outset--that she didn't want a full-time boyfriend, etc.--probably shifted to resentment later on after she fell in love and had another baby. Hence the crib was the perfect out for her to toss away the relationship. She could never introduce you to her friends and important people in her life, really--not with dignity that is true to her Christian values--so why do you think that wouldn't start to weigh on her over time?

 

But, let's pretend for a moment that you're right. That she's super anal about verbage and this really is just about the crib and turning it into a control over her co-sleeping issue. Do you know what kind of misery you would be in for having to always walk on eggshells so you don't lose her? Every comment would have to be analyzed through some kind of paranoia filter. That's no way to live. You can't predict what irrational response you will get to benign comments because it's not rational.

[Snuggle Tiger]

If you want to look at things in a positive way, you can be grateful you have such an amazing wife. Many of us get dumped and have to go through our feelings alone. I would have loved to have a husband to get over being dumped by my boyfriend. Sure would have made things easier.

 

Your wife is a saint.

 

I'm very grateful for her, she is an amazing woman. The strange thing is you would think that I would go home to this amazing woman and be totally comforted by her, but I wasn't. I really was in love with this other girl too and having my wife trying to make me feel better added feelings of tremendous guilt to the heartbreak I was already feeling.

 

Having said that, I can't imagine going through this alone. That would be far, far worse and I'm sorry you had to do that.

[Snuggle Tiger]

I think it will help you to know that things can often change for women once we fall in love. Her willingness to go along with the arrangement at the outset--that she didn't want a full-time boyfriend, etc.--probably shifted to resentment later on after she fell in love and had another baby. Hence the crib was the perfect out for her to toss away the relationship. She could never introduce you to her friends and important people in her life, really--not with dignity that is true to her Christian values--so why do you think that wouldn't start to weigh on her over time?

 

But, let's pretend for a moment that you're right. That she's super anal about verbage and this really is just about the crib and turning it into a control over her co-sleeping issue. Do you know what kind of misery you would be in for having to always walk on eggshells so you don't lose her? Every comment would have to be analyzed through some kind of paranoia filter. That's no way to live. You can't predict what irrational response you will get to benign comments because it's not rational.

 

I'm sure it was about the verbage. I watched the gears start turning in her head and could see her getting herself spun up, its the 2nd time I have seen it directed towards me. I don't know if sleeping arrangements were an issue between her and her ex, it has me wondering.

 

The only two disagreements we ever had were over where her baby slept, and having said that I didn't even disagree with her....she just thought I did and for God knows what reason it sparked an irrational response. If we ever end up together again, I know I'll never mention the word "Crib" again, but you're right, I'd always be wondering what the next trigger would be.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Started taking Effexor last Thursday and I'm still on the initial 37.5mg a day dose, that ramps to 2x a day on Thursday so its not yet making a difference. Anxiety is just laying waste to me mentally, my hands shake, heart pounding, blood pressure way up and that's BEFORE sudden adrenaline surges and stomach flips come on from nowhere, I can be thinking about anything unrelated and whoa, there go my insides, I hate this feeling. Yesterday my doctor started me on Buspar, its supposed to help with the anxiety. So far it seems to calm the constant background feeling of dread, but the individual attacks still come from the blue. Sometimes I'll think of her and I get a sudden surge, others I'll be thinking or doing something, I get the surge of anxiety, and then that rips me back to thoughts of her and that she is gone.

 

The last day we were together, December 30th, she was wearing one of my shirts all day...she loved to wear my shirts when I would come over, a t-shirt with cats on it all wearing santa hats. I haven't been able to wash that shirt, it smells so much like her. Ten days ago if I smelled that shirt I would break down, two days ago I smelled it, felt nothing and put it in the laundry. This morning I was sorting laundry and the scent of her skin hit me. I didn't even know it was the shirt she wore because it was inside-out, but I smelled her, and started to cry.

 

I took the shirt back out of the laundry, I can't wash it yet. I feel pathetic. I miss her so much.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I miss her so much.

 

What do you miss about her?

[CaliBabe]

She hasn't tried to contact you at all? Have you reached out to her? I'm sorry for what you're going through. Be strong. Try your best to heal and move on, you won't feel like this forever.

[RecentChange]

I am trying to bite my tongue.

 

But perhaps you see completely melting down. Perhaps you are a grown man who can't cope and is having panic attacks over losing his girlfriend #2 - because you aren't being genuine to yourself or the situation.

 

You are failing to see things through empathic eyes, and realize that the reality is not what you have seen through your lens. That the narrative that your mind has created is not the whole story.

 

And existential crisis if you will.

 

I have seen this before, Often when a junkie comes clean. You have lost your dopamine source. Those "new relationship" highs. Those delicious bonding hormones our body pumps when we start having sex with someone new.

 

Your body is wired to have a crazy chemical love, and infatuated when we start sleeping with someone - but you knew that right?

 

And now she is gone. The focus of your idealized thoughts. Your place to escape the world. The place where you could go and feel wonderful pumped full.of hormones and having sex at will.

 

It's quite a drug to chase.... Believe me, I know.

 

But here is the thing. You were completely inexperienced. You don't know about new relationship thrills, about bonding hormones. About no how if you decide to have a "FWB" or a sex only relationship, that one must approach it in a very mature, cognitive manner.

 

That one must constantly be aware of these factors and not allow them selves to "fall" but to stay aware of, and in control of the situation. No day dreams of you and her together. No, just sex, and very aware that the sex is giving you rose colored glasses.

 

You jumped into this like a teenager. And fell in love like a teenager. And are handling the breakup with the same level.of maturity.

 

You did your wife a real disservice by not being an adult about no this and keeping your emotions in check.

 

You really need to get ahold of yourself. In the grand scheme of things, compared to what most endure this is child's play.

Edited January 17, 2018 by RecentChange

[Snuggle Tiger]

What do you miss about her?

 

Her smile, her laugh, the hour upon hour of conversation. Dancing with her and teaching her new steps. The way she would look at me, the things she would say to me. Those are what I miss the most.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Her smile, her laugh, the hour upon hour of conversation. Dancing with her and teaching her new steps. The way she would look at me, the things she would say to me. Those are what I miss the most.

 

All things you can get from your wife.

[Snuggle Tiger]

She hasn't tried to contact you at all? Have you reached out to her? I'm sorry for what you're going through. Be strong. Try your best to heal and move on, you won't feel like this forever.

 

We were "talking" via text and FB messenger, she refused to talk in person or over the phone and text is no way to discuss something like this. Eventually she got tired of me trying to convince her this was all a misunderstanding and she blocked me.

 

That's my fault, she did say she wanted to give us some space, and if had just been to take a breather I could have done that. But she said she was hurt about what I did and we were done, and kept reiterating what a terrible thing I did trying to get her to try using his crib "he's only been in it twice and both times because you wanted him there" and she said she's getting rid of it.

 

What's funny to me is her mattress is on the floor (don't want a co-sleeping baby to fall, right?) he was starting to get into everything. A crib is more than a bed, its a cage where the kid is safe from hurting himself or destroying your home. Since she wants to get rid of the crib, I predict mayhem. Maybe she'll get a playpen, but that's just a different kind of crib that sits on the floor.

[Snuggle Tiger]

I am trying to bite my tongue.

 

But perhaps you see completely melting down. Perhaps you are a grown man who can't cope and is having panic attacks over losing his girlfriend #2 - because you aren't being genuine to yourself or the situation.

 

You are failing to see things through empathic eyes, and realize that the reality is not what you have seen through your lens. That the narrative that your mind has created is not the whole story.

 

And existential crisis if you will.

 

I have seen this before, Often when a junkie comes clean. You have lost your dopamine source. Those "new relationship" highs. Those delicious bonding hormones our body pumps when we start having sex with someone new.

 

Your body is wired to have a crazy chemical love, and infatuated when we start sleeping with someone - but you knew that right?

 

And now she is gone. The focus of your idealized thoughts. Your place to escape the world. The place where you could go and feel wonderful pumped full.of hormones and having sex at will.

 

It's quite a drug to chase.... Believe me, I know.

 

But here is the thing. You were completely inexperienced. You don't know about new relationship thrills, about bonding hormones. About no how if you decide to have a "FWB" or a sex only relationship, that one must approach it in a very mature, cognitive manner.

 

That one must constantly be aware of these factors and not allow them selves to "fall" but to stay aware of, and in control of the situation. No day dreams of you and her together. No, just sex, and very aware that the sex is giving you rose colored glasses.

 

You jumped into this like a teenager. And fell in love like a teenager. And are handling the breakup with the same level.of maturity.

 

You did your wife a real disservice by not being an adult about no this and keeping your emotions in check.

 

You really need to get ahold of yourself. In the grand scheme of things, compared to what most endure this is child's play.

 

Other than the child's play comment, I agree with you. When this went to hell I couldn't help what I was feeling. I wished I could, because it was overwhelming and awful, but I couldn't "make" myself stop, I tried.

 

I know its all just chemistry, but that doesn't make it feel any less real. For me this has been the worst experience of my life, I wish it hadn't felt so awful.

 

Had there been a fight, at least I would have been a little pissed off myself and a part of me would have been glad to be done with her. But there wasn't a fight, just some simple words about putting a baby in a crib that got twisted into other meanings.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The affair aside, this whole crib thing is just weird. Why does she even have one if she never intended to use it?

 

My son was a terror and was in his crib, with a crib TENT to keep him in there, until at least age 3.

[Snuggle Tiger]

All things you can get from your wife.

 

Well there you go, sorry I'm not shooting rainbows out my butt. I didn't realize that women were interchangeable!

 

So let me wax eloquent on the mind-blowing multiple orgasms that I was having. That's never happened to me before, not on a regular basis. My wife and I never had sex eight times in two and a half days. My wife and I had sex three times in a day ONCE, and that was when we first got married in the late 70's. My girlfriend was down to do anything in any position, and I mean anything. And one advantage of getting older is you gain CONTROL over how long you can last, so we would make love for a looong time. Sometimes slow and gentle, sometimes fast and hard...so yes, I miss that too.

[RecentChange]

The affair aside, this whole crib thing is just weird. Why does she even have one if she never intended to use it?

 

My son was a terror and was in his crib, with a crib TENT to keep him in there, until at least age 3.

 

He gave her the crib.... I think it was from one of hair grand children.

 

All these things you miss about your mistress.... Are the things you wife can provide.

 

You claim she gave you permission to have sex with someone else - because she couldn't have sex.

 

Can she not have deep conversations?

 

Can you not look in her eyes and feel lost in love?

 

Can you not explore new things together?

 

A marriage is like a garden. It must be tended to, watered, cared for.... Go tend to your wife. All these things you miss about your mistress? I bet your wife misses those things to, but she doesn't have a young, hot side piece giving it to her, she is simply missing out.

 

How is that fair? How is that a kind way to treat your wife? How is that not selfish on your part?

 

I think you need to redirect your attention to creating those same kinds of beautiful moments with this woman who has shown you love and dedication for decades.

[RecentChange]

Her smile, her laugh, the hour upon hour of conversation. Dancing with her and teaching her new steps. The way she would look at me, the things she would say to me. Those are what I miss the most.

 

All things you can get from your wife.

 

Well there you go, sorry I'm not shooting rainbows out my butt. I didn't realize that women were interchangeable!

 

So let me wax eloquent on the mind-blowing multiple orgasms that I was having. That's never happened to me before, not on a regular basis. My wife and I never had sex eight times in two and a half days. My wife and I had sex three times in a day ONCE, and that was when we first got married in the late 70's. My girlfriend was down to do anything in any position, and I mean anything. And one advantage of getting older is you gain CONTROL over how long you can last, so we would make love for a looong time. Sometimes slow and gentle, sometimes fast and hard...so yes, I miss that too.

 

So.... its not her smile, its not dancing - its her mind blowing pussy.

 

You are having a total meltdown, dragging your wife through this crap, BECAUSE YOU ARE A GROWN MAN FREAKING OUT THAT HIS GOOD SEX WAS CUT OFF?

 

You need all this therapy, you are having panic attacks, you are thinking about ending your life over sex?

Edited January 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So.... its not her smile, its not dancing - its her mind blowing pussy.

 

You are having a total meltdown, dragging your wife through this crap, BECAUSE YOU ARE A GROWN MAN FREAKING OUT THAT HIS GOOD SEX WAS CUT OFF?

 

You need all this therapy, you are having panic attacks, you are thinking about ending your life over sex?

 

I think it is pretty clear what's actually being missed here is the cake eating.

 

OP, what you miss about this woman is easily replaceable. The emotional part by your saintly wife, and the physical part by another FWB.

Edited January 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Snuggle Tiger]

The affair aside, this whole crib thing is just weird. Why does she even have one if she never intended to use it?

 

My son was a terror and was in his crib, with a crib TENT to keep him in there, until at least age 3.

 

Thank you, YES, exactly, what the hell is it with the crib? I don't know, I have no idea, it baffles the hell out of me, and it started two big meltdowns on her end. And I swear to God I don't know why, I don't know what I did to piss her off, but it IS all about the crib. Its just crazy, it makes no sense to me or anyone else that knows the both of us. The people that knew about our relationship are as baffled as I am. She isn't seeing anyone else, she's miserable without me, but its over because I "pressured" her into putting him in his crib.