Broken up over innocent comment, I'm losing my mind

[Snuggle Tiger]

He gave her the crib.... I think it was from one of hair grand children.

 

All these things you miss about your mistress.... Are the things you wife can provide.

 

You claim she gave you permission to have sex with someone else - because she couldn't have sex.

 

Can she not have deep conversations?

 

Can you not look in her eyes and feel lost in love?

 

Can you not explore new things together?

 

A marriage is like a garden. It must be tended to, watered, cared for.... Go tend to your wife. All these things you miss about your mistress? I bet your wife misses those things to, but she doesn't have a young, hot side piece giving it to her, she is simply missing out.

 

How is that fair? How is that a kind way to treat your wife? How is that not selfish on your part?

 

I think you need to redirect your attention to creating those same kinds of beautiful moments with this woman who has shown you love and dedication for decades.

 

My wife now has physical limitations. She can't dance anymore, or at least very very little. If we do anything around physical activity, she is wiped out for days. She spends a lot of time in bed. My wife does love me,, but she is also rather unemotional and undemonstrative, two things that I greatly crave.

[Snuggle Tiger]

So.... its not her smile, its not dancing - its her mind blowing pussy.

 

You are having a total meltdown, dragging your wife through this crap, BECAUSE YOU ARE A GROWN MAN FREAKING OUT THAT HIS GOOD SEX WAS CUT OFF?

 

You need all this therapy, you are having panic attacks, you are thinking about ending your life over sex?

 

My answer to C/O didn't seem to be satisfactory, so I thought I would expand upon it. At first it was about the sex with my new FWB. Then we fell in love and it became about much more than that.

 

The sex became secondary to everything else I was feeling. And her kids, especially her youngest two, I miss them too.

Edited January 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My wife now has physical limitations. She can't dance anymore, or at least very very little. If we do anything around physical activity, she is wiped out for days. She spends a lot of time in bed. My wife does love me,, but she is also rather unemotional and undemonstrative, two things that I greatly crave.

 

Is this something you always felt was missing or did you just realize this unhappiness when you fell in love with your FWB?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My answer to C/O didn't seem to be satisfactory, so I thought I would expand upon it. At first it was about the sex with my new FWB. Then we fell in love and it became about much more than that.

 

The sex became secondary to everything else I was feeling. And her kids, especially her youngest two, I miss them too.

 

She was not too bright introducing her kids to you, knowing this relationship wasn't going anywhere.

[Snuggle Tiger]

I think it is pretty clear what's actually being missed here is the cake eating.

 

OP, what you miss about this woman is easily replaceable. The emotional part by your saintly wife, and the physical part by another FWB.

 

I never had anyone "get me" like the girlfriend did, it was unreal, but that's also a new relationship. As for cake eating, my wife was appreciative of the girlfriend (remember, I said they know each other) and my girlfriend was appreciative of my wife for letting her "borrow" me. Yes, I was eating my cake and greatly enjoying it, and won't apologize for that.

 

I'm actually doing a lot better now, I'm sure that's time and medications at work, my wife and I worked in the yard the other day and had a nice dinner together. Yesterday my wife spent all day in bed recovering. Today she got up at 11am. Its noon and she still hasn't come downstairs, I made her breakfast (french toast with sugar and cinnamon, grilled red potatoes and bacon) but I'll have to reheat it since its cold. I'm waiting to eat until we can have it together.

[RecentChange]

So it's not just sex.

 

You want a second girlfriend to give you everything your wife doesn't.

 

So, is your wife cool with you having a secondary "full" relationship? Someone you do all the married couple things with while she lies in bed? Someone to fall in love with, someone to share your life with - someone to dedicate yourself too while your wife's health diminishes?

[Snuggle Tiger]

She was not too bright introducing her kids to you, knowing this relationship wasn't going anywhere.

 

Who knows what the future will bring? I have had other FWB in the past, and we're just friends now. So when this crap isn't so raw, I'd be happy to just be her friend again. Maybe in a few months?

 

Not everyone becomes the enemy of their ex.

[BaileyB]

I never had anyone "get me" like the girlfriend did, it was unreal, but that's also a new relationship.

 

You do realize that this relationship was pure fantasy, right? You enjoyed your "bubble time" together away from the stress of real life - no work, no bills to pay, no disagreements over the fact that your wet towel is on the bathroom floor, no stress from dealing with demanding in-laws, or a chronic illness, etc... It's like the honeymoon phase of a relationship when it's all sunshine and rainbows... You "get each other" because you are still looking through rose colored glasses...

 

And yes, it certainly does sound like there were other things you wanted that your wife has not provided, preceding and during her illness.

[Snuggle Tiger]

So it's not just sex.

 

You want a second girlfriend to give you everything your wife doesn't.

 

So, is your wife cool with you having a secondary "full" relationship? Someone you do all the married couple things with while she lies in bed? Someone to fall in love with, someone to share your life with - someone to dedicate yourself too while your wife's health diminishes?

 

Yes. Strange to believe, isn't it. Maybe I earned a lot of points during the years I was my wife's primary caregiver. I was at an appointment yesterday (therapy for me) and my wife was there, and she joked to the doctor that now she is earning points taking care of me. It was sweet and cute, one of those you had to be there things.

 

My wife and I do have a seriously loving relationship, I can't say enough about how much she means to me and obviously to me I mean the same to her.

 

My GF and I only got together about every other week from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon or evening. There were times we skipped, like when my wife and did some traveling or over some holidays when the girlfriend had her kids. We would occasionally see each other outside that time for a couple hours, often just to talk or cuddle. There were three occasions in 14 months where we spent three days together.

 

It's not like I had a plural marriage and this isn't an episode of Sister Wives, but I was allowed to spend time with my girlfriend, and I did.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So it's not just sex.

 

You want a second girlfriend to give you everything your wife doesn't.

 

So, is your wife cool with you having a secondary "full" relationship? Someone you do all the married couple things with while she lies in bed? Someone to fall in love with, someone to share your life with - someone to dedicate yourself too while your wife's health diminishes?

 

It's changed quite a bit since the beginning narrative, hasn't it?

[Snuggle Tiger]

You do realize that this relationship was pure fantasy, right? You enjoyed your "bubble time" together away from the stress of real life - no work, no bills to pay, no disagreements over the fact that your wet towel is on the bathroom floor, no stress from dealing with demanding in-laws, or a chronic illness, etc... It's like the honeymoon phase of a relationship when it's all sunshine and rainbows... You "get each other" because you are still looking through rose colored glasses...

 

And yes, it certainly does sound like there were other things you wanted that your wife has not provided, preceding and during her illness.

 

Yes, I do, it was a fantasy for both of us, its what made it work so well. For her it was an escape from her ex, from schoolwork, from her crazy mom (that's another story). She didn't want a full time boyfriend because she didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to one and felt most guys wouldn't want to have anything to do with a single mom with four kids, an ex and a full time class load.

 

Her time was always so constrained, when I would visit I would often do dishes, pick up, take care of the baby so she could do homework. I would do these things to try to make it so my time there wasn't a total loss for her from her responsibilities.

 

It turned out she met emotional needs for me that I knew I had, but didn't know how good they would feel to have met.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

It turned out she met emotional needs for me that I knew I had, but didn't know how good they would feel to have met.

 

Do you know that this is such typical rhetoric from someone who has found themselves embroiled in an affair? Suddenly needs you didn't know weren't being met are suddenly being met by this amazing being and your spouse's weaknesses are magnified. I'm pretty sure this is not what your wife wanted to happen when she told you that you could so bang someone else.

[RecentChange]

Yes, I do, it was a fantasy for both of us, its what made it work so well. For her it was an escape from her ex, from schoolwork, from her crazy mom (that's another story). She didn't want a full time boyfriend because she didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to one and felt most guys wouldn't want to have anything to do with a single mom with four kids, an ex and a full time class load.

 

So, she settled for what she could get. I am sure she WANTED a man to love her full time, not just occasional weekends.

 

I am sure she wanted someone to share her life with, but instead decided she was damaged goods and settled for a much older, married man, who would show her attention and have sex with her on the weekends.

 

You know that wasn't enough. You know this secret relationship she had to hide because it was shameful wasn't enough. You know she wanted a full time partner, someone she could be proud of, someone she could tell her friends and family about without shame. Sure... she didn't have "time" but that does really change what the heart wants does it?

 

But instead she settled for you - until she had enough. Enough being sad when you leave your "bubble time". Enough living her hard life, while you went home to your money and dedicated wife.

 

Do you not see how unfair this was to her? Honestly, if a woman just wanted sex, she can get sex, easily. But she wanted more. More than you could ever give her.

[Snuggle Tiger]

So, she settled for what she could get. I am sure she WANTED a man to love her full time, not just occasional weekends.

 

I am sure she wanted someone to share her life with, but instead decided she was damaged goods and settled for a much older, married man, who would show her attention and have sex with her on the weekends.

 

You know that wasn't enough. You know this secret relationship she had to hide because it was shameful wasn't enough. You know she wanted a full time partner, someone she could be proud of, someone she could tell her friends and family about without shame. Sure... she didn't have "time" but that does really change what the heart wants does it?

 

But instead she settled for you - until she had enough. Enough being sad when you leave your "bubble time". Enough living her hard life, while you went home to your money and dedicated wife.

 

Do you not see how unfair this was to her? Honestly, if a woman just wanted sex, she can get sex, easily. But she wanted more. More than you could ever give her.

 

Sure, if a woman wants to boink some rando off the internet, its very easy for her to do. She had gone that route before we started, but I think it was the attempted rape and a pregnancy that soured her on that experience. Sex is better with someone that knows what you like.

 

If she had a regular boyfriend it wouldn't change how hard her life is, that's a nice straw man you built there.

[Snuggle Tiger]

It's changed quite a bit since the beginning narrative, hasn't it?

 

So much I have left out, and its still hard to talk about, but here it goes.

 

My wife can be, trying to think of a good word, stoic? I'm highly emotional and a touchy kind of person, and crave hand holding, cuddling, kissing. With my wife I was virtually always the person that initiated things like that. Friends we would socialize with would occasionally comment on it to me, they would notice I was always coming up to her and being affectionate, it was never the other way around.

 

My wife has dealt with depression for decades, and its tough being outgoing emotionally when you have major depressive disorder, so I try to understand, but knowing someone loves you and having them show they love you are two different things. A lot of people I know have divorced for far less.

 

Someone with major depression often doesn't want to have sex, and when they do they don't enjoy it, and after going through that for many, many years I was starting to get depressed myself. She had told me for years to get a FWB to meet my sexual needs, and from time to time I did, but I wanted a whole relationship, not just to bang some girl and go home to my depressed wife. But we had been together so long, we had so much shared history, I just couldn't see divorce as a realistic option, I loved her so much. And I know she loved me but had difficulty showing it.

 

But after over 30 years of this, I was getting close to leaving her, and she knew it. I was starting to realize that the rest of my life was going to be just more of the same, and I felt like I was withering on the vine. I was dying for affirmation and affection, things I wasn't getting from my wife. When she had her initial cancer diagnosis I felt trapped. What piece of crap separates from their spouse after they are diagnosed with cancer? This wasn't long after the whole John Edwards affair was in the news, everyone thought he was a P.O.S. for what he did to his wife, and I wasn't going to be one too.

 

So I play nurse to my wife through a whole series of operations, and while her cancer is gone the surgeries and attempted reconstruction and her autoimmune disease ravaged her body. She can't work, gets exhausted easy, still suffers from depression. But I still love her, she needs me, and I can't see myself abandoning her.

 

From my point of view, I love my wife still, and I don't want to abandon her. So I ended up getting my sexual and emotional needs met outside the home. It was HER idea. When I fell in love with my girlfriend, she saw how happy it made me, and she was able to benefit because I was happier when I was with her, so she appreciated the fact I was in love and was happy for all three of us.

 

From my wife's point of view, she has a husband who loves her and she loves in return, who takes care of her, who has stellar health insurance, a military pension and a good paying job. Her husband goes down the street and gets his jollies with his girlfriend and comes home refreshed, energized and recharged.

 

From the girlfriends point of view, she didn't have some guy wanting to see her all the time for sex and companionship, which was good because she doesn't have time. She has a full class load and four kids and also does tutoring. But she does enjoy sex, didn't want to sleep with random guys from the internet anymore, for her our situation fit the bill perfectly.

 

What we didn't expect was to fall in love. She fell in love with me first. When my FWB started to love me and started grabbing my hand, initiating cuddling, initiating kissing, telling me what a wonderful guy I was and how she loved me, I became putty in her hands. I ate it up. It was something I had never experienced.

 

We thought this was going to go on for years, and when it exploded for stupid reasons, I fell apart. The shrinks are telling me this was coming on for years. The pressures of taking care of a depressed wife who then got cancer, family deaths within weeks of each other, a health problem of my own that kept me away from work for half a year and a bunch of other things had pushed this normally happy camper to the edge. My girlfriend postponed my inevitable breakdown, but apparently I was a ticking time bomb, and a few other things in November got me close to meltdown. The first argument with the GF pushed me close to the edge and in hindsight people say they could tell I wasn't right. When we split up, I lost it totally. But, as it turns out, it was just the last straw in a long chain of events.

 

So how about a couple of you cut me a little slack. I'm just another human with frailties like everyone else, and I couldn't keep the facade up any longer. I feel SOOO much better today than I did even a couple days ago, let alone last week.

 

I'm going on with my life. I'm writing a letter to my ex girlfriend explaining to her the medical diagnosis I had, and why when she got upset with me I responded with suicidal ideations, text messages alternating between apologizing and blame, tear filled voicemail rants, etc. I was in the midst of a breakdown of epic proportions.

 

I'm also going on a date to a Winter Ball on Saturday night with a girl I know. She's close to my age, highly educated and I find her very attractive. She knows my wife and I via ballroom dance, knows my situation with the wife, and I have had a crush on her forever but never tried to pursue it. (I have always let the ladies make the first move, not everyone knows our situation and I didn't want to be known as that married guy trying to sleep around.) She didn't make a first move on me, but I decided to take a risk. She has sent me mixed signals, but when we dance she stares into my eyes unlike any other woman I have ever danced with and it has always made my pulse race. Until the other day, I could never meet her gaze, but we were in classes for a few hours yesterday and when we danced we locked eyes almost the entire time. I expect a night out with a friend, but if it becomes more...I'll be quite happy. Even my ex-girlfriend knows I have a crush on this girl. I wonder what she will think if she hears we went out?

 

So if I get the girlfriend back, I'll be thrilled. I still love her and miss her. But if she's done with me, then time, continuing to take medication and more therapy will get me over her, and get me past the abyss I had fallen into.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Snuggle Tiger

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Now you're trying to make the ex-mistress jealous by going out with another potential mistress? I assume they both know each other because of the dance connection.

 

Before your wife got cancer, did you have any affairs?

Edited January 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[Snuggle Tiger]

Now you're trying to make the ex-mistress jealous by going out with another potential mistress? I assume they both know each other because of the dance connection.

 

Before your wife got cancer, did you have any affairs?

 

Good grief, I'm not trying to make ANYONE jealous! I was musing about what she would think if she found out, but I've actually taken pains to NOT TELL ANYONE ELSE that this girl and I are going, I haven't posted about it on facebook, I haven't told anyone else but my wife. I'm not trying to hide it, I'm just not advertising. They both know each other because they are students at the same dance studio, but the exGF is a beginner, while the girl I'm going out with Saturday is quite advanced like I am. The exGF hasn't been to our studio since the breakup, she probably won't ever come back unless we reconcile or she puts on her big girl panties and decides she can be in the same room as I am. But then she'll be stuck dancing with me, and she'll fall in love all over again.

 

I mailed a letter to my exGF today talking about my medical diagnosis and what's going on, it explains what the hell happened to me. In hindsight it makes sense, I was a mental basket case hiding it from everyone, including myself, but cracks started showing a few months ago.

 

There weren't any affairs until the wife told me to get a FWB. If its in the open and I have permission, we don't think of it as me having an affair. Its just seeing my friend, or seeing my girlfriend.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Snuggle Tiger

[LivingWaterPlease]

So, she settled for what she could get. I am sure she WANTED a man to love her full time, not just occasional weekends.

 

I am sure she wanted someone to share her life with, but instead decided she was damaged goods and settled for a much older, married man, who would show her attention and have sex with her on the weekends.

 

You know that wasn't enough. You know this secret relationship she had to hide because it was shameful wasn't enough. You know she wanted a full time partner, someone she could be proud of, someone she could tell her friends and family about without shame. Sure... she didn't have "time" but that does really change what the heart wants does it?

 

But instead she settled for you - until she had enough. Enough being sad when you leave your "bubble time". Enough living her hard life, while you went home to your money and dedicated wife.

 

Do you not see how unfair this was to her? Honestly, if a woman just wanted sex, she can get sex, easily. But she wanted more. More than you could ever give her.

 

^^^^

This!! You hit the nail on the head, Recent!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I mailed a letter to my exGF today talking about my medical diagnosis and what's going on, it explains what the hell happened to me. In hindsight it makes sense, I was a mental basket case hiding it from everyone, including myself, but cracks started showing a few months ago.

 

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Have you talked about this medical diagnosis here? Have you been diagnosed with CTE or some other brain injury since you've seen your ex GF?

[Snuggle Tiger]

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Have you talked about this medical diagnosis here? Have you been diagnosed with CTE or some other brain injury since you've seen your ex GF?

 

Sorry, I guess I haven't posted about it? Thought I did.

 

Shrinks are saying I had a depressive disorder that had been going on and building for a while that I tried to hide with an over the top positive outlook because that was my normal attitude, and what I believed everyone expected of me. I was having anxiety building in what I now know are panic attacks.

 

When I had the second argument with the exGF, I had a mental breakdown and just fell apart. It wasn't the "fight" that broke us up, I snapped and it was the rapid mood swings, raving texts and chat messages and phone calls / voicemail that would rapid fire go from blaming her to apologizing in tear filled rants. In hindsight, I was starting to go off the rails but nobody connected the dots until I was a basket case, and doctor says if it hadn't been the exGF that triggered my meltdown it would have been something else.

 

Medications are helping me immensely. I'm not expecting the exGF to give me a "not guilty by reason of insanity" verdict. I wrote in a letter I wasn't well but didn't know it, and am asking her to take baby steps with me towards restoring our relationship.

 

I assume for now that the relationship with the exGF is over but still love and miss her.

 

I have lots of appointments in the coming weeks with therapist, my primary care doctor and behavioral psychologist. I was a mess inside.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Snuggle Tiger

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sorry, I guess I haven't posted about it? Thought I did.

 

Shrinks are saying I had a depressive disorder that had been going on and building for a while that I tried to hide with an over the top positive outlook because that was my normal attitude, and what I believed everyone expected of me. I was having anxiety building in what I now know are panic attacks.

 

When I had the second argument with the exGF, I had a mental breakdown and just fell apart. It wasn't the "fight" that broke us up, I snapped and it was the rapid mood swings, raving texts and chat messages and phone calls / voicemail that would rapid fire go from blaming her to apologizing in tear filled rants. In hindsight, I was starting to go off the rails but nobody connected the dots until I was a basket case, and doctor says if it hadn't been the exGF that triggered my meltdown it would have been something else.

 

Medications are helping me immensely. I'm not expecting the exGF to give me a "not guilty by reason of insanity" verdict. I wrote in a letter I wasn't well but didn't know it, and am asking her to take baby steps with me towards restoring our relationship.

 

I assume for now that the relationship with the exGF is over but still love and miss her.

 

I have lots of appointments in the coming weeks with therapist, my primary care doctor and behavioral psychologist. I was a mess inside.

 

Oh, ok, yes, you did post about that. I think you're setting yourself up for another "breakup" though . Hopefully you will have more tools to handle it better the second time.

[Snuggle Tiger]

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Have you talked about this medical diagnosis here? Have you been diagnosed with CTE or some other brain injury since you've seen your ex GF?

 

Rereading this, now I get it. SARCASM. You seem to think I need a hunk of lead in my brain before its a medical diagnosis, because depression and anxiety can't be seen on an x-ray.

 

I didn't set out to get involved with someone 20+ years younger, she offered and I accepted. Sweet girl I already know, six weeks pregnant and doesn't believe in abortion, already liked me, I liked her and later she said she loved me and I fell in love with her. Sh*t happens, I won't apologize or feel guilty for it. Its not what I was looking for, its what life gave me and until I started to break down it was wonderful.

 

When was in anguish and felt like I wanted to die, the ridicule and condemnation I got here for being married to an ill wife who gave me permission to have a girlfriend didn't help. I just wanted to end the pain.

 

BTW, the way my wife would put it is "you need to get a girlfriend" and those were her exact words. Girlfriend. I always interpreted that to mean FWB, but she turned into a girlfriend. Oh God, how I miss her.

 

I was having suicidal thoughts and at times it seemed like some of you took great delight in my pain and enjoyed worsening it. Had I been much closer to doing it you might have pushed me over the edge, I got close a time or two, closer than I admitted here. Gun in my hand, loading and unloading the magazine. I chambered a round. Safety off. Call it stupid, call me a loser, say I had it coming, tell me what did I expect to happen?

 

I didn't expect to fall in love with this girl. I guess that makes me a loser, at least in your eyes.

 

There are real people out here on the other side of the keyboard, and we aren't always well. Please try to remember that.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Snuggle Tiger

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Rereading this, now I get it. SARCASM. You seem to think I need a hunk of lead in my brain before its a medical diagnosis, because depression and anxiety can't be seen on an x-ray.

 

I didn't set out to get involved with someone 20+ years younger, she offered and I accepted, and later she said she loved me and I fell in love with her. Sh*t happens, I won't apologize or feel guilty for it. Its not what I was looking for, its what life gave me and until I started to break down it was wonderful.

 

When was in anguish and felt like I wanted to die, the ridicule and condemnation I got here for being married to an ill wife who gave me permission to have a girlfriend didn't help. I just wanted to end the pain.

 

BTW, the way my wife would put it is "you need to get a girlfriend" and those were her exact words. Girlfriend. I always interpreted that to mean FWB, but she turned into a girlfriend. Oh God, how I miss her.

 

I was having suicidal thoughts and at times it seemed like some of you took great delight in my pain and enjoyed worsening it. Had I been much closer to doing it you might have pushed me over the edge, I got close a time or two, closer than I admitted here. Gun in my hand, loading and unloading the magazine. I chambered a round. Safety off. Call it stupid, call me a loser, say I had it coming, tell me what did I expect to happen?

 

I didn't expect to fall in love with this girl. I guess that makes me a loser, at least in your eyes.

 

There are real people out here on the other side of the keyboard, and we aren't always well. Please try to remember that.

 

Actually, it was not sarcasm at all. One of my neighbors had an ugly end/altercation/restraining order with his mistress almost a year ago, and shortly after that, as part of his court mandated psychological help, was diagnosed with post concussion sydrome after many years of playing a contact sport. It can cause symptoms that mimic PTSD. How he behaved after his affair ended is very similar to how you appear to be handling things. That is why I asked. Do I think he uses his brand new diagnosis as an excuse for his actions? Yes. But, I'm not a doctor.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sure, if a woman wants to boink some rando off the internet, its very easy for her to do. She had gone that route before we started, but I think it was the attempted rape and a pregnancy that soured her on that experience. Sex is better with someone that knows what you like.

 

If she had a regular boyfriend it wouldn't change how hard her life is, that's a nice straw man you built there.

 

Au contraire, ST! If she had a regular boyfriend who loved her he may very well have helped her out financially (more than just buying a few items here and there for her), and even have married her. I hope for her that she finds that. And maybe she has.

 

If you could only see this situation from a perspective other than your own loss of comfortable dysfunction, it may help you to understand why she left you to move on.

[Snuggle Tiger]

Actually, it was not sarcasm at all. One of my neighbors had an ugly end/altercation/restraining order with his mistress almost a year ago, and shortly after that, as part of his court mandated psychological help, was diagnosed with post concussion sydrome after many years of playing a contact sport. It can cause symptoms that mimic PTSD. How he behaved after his affair ended is very similar to how you appear to be handling things. That is why I asked. Do I think he uses his brand new diagnosis as an excuse for his actions? Yes. But, I'm not a doctor.

 

Having a name to put on the things that have been happening to me helps. It helps me to know I'm not worthless and weak, but was having panic attacks for many years, and I let stress build up in me until I started acting out of character and bizarre.

 

I had told my doctor as far back as at least 15 years that I would be doing anything, even non-stressful and enjoyable things, and would suddenly feel a tightness in my chest, my heart would pound, my face would flush. He sent me for an EKG and cardiac stress test and those were fine, and said I was good to go.

 

She told me she still loved me, but the way I handled confrontation made her not want to be with me anymore.

 

I'm hoping she'll look at the letter I sent and some of the things she saw and that it will make sense. That I wasn't in full control of my thoughts, that my reactions became weird because I was about to break.

 

I looked back and read all my texts and listened to some of the voice messages I sent and read my facebook posts, and I cringed, and I understood why she didn't want to see me anymore.

 

The crib thing was the catalyst, it was my reactions afterward that caused the breakup. That realization hurts.