Losing interest or is she just comfortable with me? Bad gut feeling!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1)

 

I don't want to play games by "making her wait" or "feel anxious". I just wanted to be myself but I guess she wanted someone who was more needy, as she said. I used to be but after bad experiences I stopped doing that.

 

I was nothing but confident in person with her, hence why I'm a little shocked.. I was always assertive with my actions, kissing her, putting arm around her and always led her to the places we were going.

 

She didn't say she wanted someone "more needy." That's your interpretation.

And she only said anything like that at all because you wanted an answer.

 

Sometimes people just aren't feeling it and can't even put a finger on it. Don't overanalyze every single step of this thing you had with her, because it doesn't matter. It wasn't any one thing that you did. She even said you're a lovely person. She just wasn't feeling it.

 

So sorry this didn't work out . And for the record, I still see nothing wrong with the gift. It was her birthday.

[Assassino]

She didn't say she wanted someone "more needy." That's your interpretation.

And she only said anything like that at all because you wanted an answer.

 

Sometimes people just aren't feeling it and can't even put a finger on it. Don't overanalyze every single step of this thing you had with her, because it doesn't matter. It wasn't any one thing that you did. She even said you're a lovely person. She just wasn't feeling it.

 

So sorry this didn't work out . And for the record, I still see nothing wrong with the gift. It was her birthday.

 

Well that just makes my text even worse.. She's going to be glad she made the right choice now after reading that.

 

I mean she did reach out a lot and I felt like I could've stepped up. I wish I reached out to her yesterday, or early today. But nope, I was waiting for her again.. My plan was to reach out by early evening if I hadn't heard anything. But maybe it just wasn't that as I was picking up some signs on our date and through the texting last week. Maybe that's why I let her reach out more just to reassure me of her interest.

[gbe2015]

I ended up sending a text back which was pathetic, but made me feel better doing it. At least I can draw a line and move on. It wasn’t the right decision but I decided whatever and just sent what I was feeling. I feel better and I can try to move on.

 

It was pathetic but I feel better and the only thing that matters right now is how I feel, not how she’ll view me after that text.

 

Honestly, I think all you did was confirm her decision and she probably thinks she dodged a bullet. Next time send the message to yourself.

[Assassino]

Honestly, I think all you did was confirm her decision and she probably thinks she dodged a bullet. Next time send the message to yourself.

 

Just what I thought, oh well. I even said if she did reject me, I'd accept it and just say "Okay, see you around" but when it came to reality I just didn't stick to it.

 

End of the day, after what she said it's not like she was going to turn around weeks later and come back anyway. Whatever I said or didn't say wouldn't have changed things.

 

I'm just annoyed that now she probably thinks I'm a weirdo and glad she did end things.

 

In the future, I'm just going to multi-date to avoid getting attached. Then if one brushes me off, I'm not bothered.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ai yi yi.....you should not have sent that last text. NO girl likes to be told "you know you want to go out with me," especially when she doesn't. You definitely solidified to her that her decision was the right one. Now you've completely burned the bridge, and who knows, she may have contacted you months from now to set you up with a friend she thinks you'd be great with. Not now.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe that's why I let her reach out more just to reassure me of her interest.

 

This is the most accurate insight about yourself I've seen in this whole thread.

[Cookiesandough]

I was going to write out here yesterday that you need to calm down or this will be killed if it hasn't already but I didn't think it would be constructive at that point.

 

Too much analyzing!!!!! Over-analyzing is the #1 killer of attraction, imo. Over-analyzing ---> anxiety ---> desperation ---> turned off person.

 

 

So much anxiety and over-analyzing. You think you are compartmentalizing and you are able to talk about your anxieties here and play it cool in person, but unless you have disassociation identity disorder or some kind of serious split, there's no way your desperation isn't leaking out in your interactions with her somehow.

 

She lost interest because she can pick up on that. And I think it's happened before to. This is what I meant by 'self-fulfilling profesy' It's very easy to tell when men care ~too much~ and it manifests as try-hard and lack of confidence x.x

 

 

 

PLEASE next time, for the love of all animals, do NOT over-think things. Do not analyze every communication. Direct your time and focus elsewhere if you catch yourself doing it. Do not obsess. Have the mindset and keep telling yourself something along the lines of this though ' I am a catch. Being myself, the right woman will see that. If she doesn't, that's her loss and there are plenty of other women out there. I don't need this person's acceptance. Whatever happens, happens' Even if you don't believe it, you need to drive that in your head because trying to control is having the opposite of desired effect!

 

Im sorry

[Assassino]

She didn't say she wanted someone "more needy." That's your interpretation.

And she only said anything like that at all because you wanted an answer.

 

Sometimes people just aren't feeling it and can't even put a finger on it. Don't overanalyze every single step of this thing you had with her, because it doesn't matter. It wasn't any one thing that you did. She even said you're a lovely person. She just wasn't feeling it.

 

So sorry this didn't work out . And for the record, I still see nothing wrong with the gift. It was her birthday.

 

It seems a silly reason, I agree. But I noticed earlier in the week she did "unhide" her pof profile and updated her profile description so maybe she thought I was talking to other girls. Maybe she thought I was a player? End of the day, even if I WAS using POF and I was online, should she really care? I wouldn't be doing anything wrong. We weren't exclusive so technically I can date who I want until the "exclusive talk". It's common sense. I assumed she was dating others anyway.

 

Wish I reworded that text and just said that I wouldn't have been doing anything wrong if I was dating others as we weren't exclusive and just been more assertive, but it would have confirmed that we were "too different" if I'm prepared to multi-date and she only dates one at a time. That isn't me, I prefer to date only one at a time.

 

If she's going to be so clingy and insecure about me not reaching out, etc then I can't imagine how it'd be down the line.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Assassino

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It seems a silly reason, I agree. But I noticed earlier in the week she did "unhide" her pof profile and updated her profile description so maybe she thought I was talking to other girls. Maybe she thought I was a player? End of the day, even if I WAS using POF and I was online, should she really care? I wouldn't be doing anything wrong. We weren't exclusive so technically I can date who I want until the "exclusive talk". It's common sense. I assumed she was dating others anyway.

 

Wish I reworded that text and just said that I wouldn't have been doing anything wrong if I was dating others as we weren't exclusive and just been more assertive, but it would have confirmed that we were "too different" if I'm prepared to multi-date and she only dates one at a time. That isn't me, I prefer to date only one at a time.

 

If she's going to be so clingy and insecure about me not reaching out, etc then I can't imagine how it'd be down the line.

 

She was not clingy and insecure. I'm gonna be surprised if she doesn't text you back and tell you what she REALLY thinks of you.

[Assassino]

Ai yi yi.....you should not have sent that last text. NO girl likes to be told "you know you want to go out with me," especially when she doesn't. You definitely solidified to her that her decision was the right one. Now you've completely burned the bridge, and who knows, she may have contacted you months from now to set you up with a friend she thinks you'd be great with. Not now.

 

Great..

 

I'm not bothered about being introduced to one of her friends. The usual "can we be friends" is never meant to be a real offer and I can meet someone else myself.

 

I think the bridge was burned with her when she put an end to it, in terms of dating her.

 

I just saw her reasoning for putting an end to it as something I could rectify and felt there was a chance. I'm an opportunist but now after spending a month of having fun getting to know her, her view of me is now destroyed I'm just going to be that guy who was pathetic.

[gbe2015]

Just what I thought, oh well. I even said if she did reject me, I'd accept it and just say "Okay, see you around" but when it came to reality I just didn't stick to it.

 

End of the day, after what she said it's not like she was going to turn around weeks later and come back anyway. Whatever I said or didn't say wouldn't have changed things.

 

I'm just annoyed that now she probably thinks I'm a weirdo and glad she did end things.

 

In the future, I'm just going to multi-date to avoid getting attached. Then if one brushes me off, I'm not bothered.

 

It's not the end of the world if a girl wants to just be friends. Sure your ego gets bruised but you shouldn't be that invested after a couple dates anyways. If you handle it well and stay friends you now have her out there telling her friends IRL that you're a good guy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Great..

 

I'm not bothered about being introduced to one of her friends. The usual "can we be friends" is never meant to be a real offer and I can meet someone else myself.

 

I think the bridge was burned with her when she put an end to it, in terms of dating her.

 

I just saw her reasoning for putting an end to it as something I could rectify and felt there was a chance. I'm an opportunist but now after spending a month of having fun getting to know her, her view of me is now destroyed I'm just going to be that guy who was pathetic.

 

I think you mean you're an optimist? But, I'm not sure I agree with that. Optimists don't fire off texts like that, telling someone that they know they still want to date them.... bitter people do that.

[Assassino]

I was going to write out here yesterday that you need to calm down or this will be killed if it hasn't already but I didn't think it would be constructive at that point.

 

Too much analyzing!!!!! Over-analyzing is the #1 killer of attraction, imo. Over-analyzing ---> anxiety ---> desperation ---> turned off person.

 

 

So much anxiety and over-analyzing. You think you are compartmentalizing and you are able to talk about your anxieties here and play it cool in person, but unless you have disassociation identity disorder or some kind of serious split, there's no way your desperation isn't leaking out in your interactions with her somehow.

 

She lost interest because she can pick up on that. And I think it's happened before to. This is what I meant by 'self-fulfilling profesy' It's very easy to tell when men care ~too much~ and it manifests as try-hard and lack of confidence x.x

 

 

 

PLEASE next time, for the love of all animals, do NOT over-think things. Do not analyze every communication. Direct your time and focus elsewhere if you catch yourself doing it. Do not obsess. Have the mindset and keep telling yourself something along the lines of this though ' I am a catch. Being myself, the right woman will see that. If she doesn't, that's her loss and there are plenty of other women out there. I don't need this person's acceptance. Whatever happens, happens' Even if you don't believe it, you need to drive that in your head because trying to control is having the opposite of desired effect!

 

Im sorry

 

Thanks, I see where you're coming from.

 

I went into the date not worrying about anything and I felt confident, thinking that "hey, she's here with me so let's go with it". I was happy and smiley, we had fun. I didn't feel like I acted desperate. In fact, I totally forgot about the over analysing when I was with her! I didn't act any different compared to our previous dates. Maybe I could've been more talkative and energetic, but I've always been a reserved person. Unless something spilled into my texts, but I never double texted or did anything that'd suggest desperation or anxiousness. But that view may have been different to her.

 

Only time I appeared desperate was that last text I sent, which now I regret but the end result was the same.

 

I'll heed your advice and stop over analysing texts. If a girl reaches out to me or accepts my date offer, that's all I need. If I have to come onto this forum to ask about anything, then I know it's going to go downhill. I'll just figure it out and multi-date.

 

Seriously, multi-dating is my best fix here. If one girl drops me, I have another girl to date. My main problem is fear of losing. If I'm dating two girls I like, I wouldn't be bothered about it. Now I just need to put those words into action.

[Assassino]

I think you mean you're an optimist? But, I'm not sure I agree with that. Optimists don't fire off texts like that, telling someone that they know they still want to date them.... bitter people do that.

 

I meant opportunist. If I see an opportunity to try and make things work or correct something I just take it regardless of the outcome.

 

I guess from the text she sent and her reasoning, which was about our communication, I just got the impression she might still like me but was put off by my style of communcation. She displayed signs in person like touching, etc, so I thought she might still like me in some way and if communication was the only problem, we could try to make something work. On reflection, I saw rejection and I panicked.

 

But meh, I made a mistake and I have to live by it. She'll think I'm an idiot but if she's not interested in me at all, it doesn't matter what I would've said in that last text, same outcome and all.

 

In future, I'll just take it as a man and just reply something simple like "Okay" or not at all lol

[Assassino]

It's not the end of the world if a girl wants to just be friends. Sure your ego gets bruised but you shouldn't be that invested after a couple dates anyways. If you handle it well and stay friends you now have her out there telling her friends IRL that you're a good guy.

 

Now I'll have her telling friends that I'm a weirdo and pathetic, after my last text. Fortunately she lives with a couple of housemates in an apartment in the city where I live. Her friends are all back home 50 miles away. I don't think she'd be so cruel to put people off me though, we interacted every day and had some really nice conversations. It's not like I was consistantly bad, like that last text.

 

I'm gutted she doesn't feel the same way, but that can't be helped.

 

I'm just gutted I didn't act the correct way about it. I feel like I've ruined a whole months worth of interaction between us because of that one text. That wasn't how I wanted her last impression of me to be, but I panicked and wanted to try and rectify it.

[Assassino]

Anyway I'll drop this and learn from my mistakes, thanks for the advice.

 

At least I didn't ruin something potentially good with a text like that last one, as she'd already ended before I sent it so it was obviously something else. I just wish I "gave more" like she mentioned. I feel like I played it too cool over text, not responding as quickly as her, not initiating as much, etc. I used to do that put I put girls off before.

 

Like cookiesandough said, over-analysing was the death of me. Reading too much into her texts and response time then resulted in me going on POF too much to check if she was "online". That meant she saw I was online a lot and thought I was talking to other girls. My overthinking resulted in that outcome.

 

I miss our conversations already, it was really nice to break up a day of working to talk to her. They were long and thoughtful and I'll miss that..

 

...But I'm going to take a long break from dating. My head is too messed up to date someone else right now and I need to be happy being single before I date again.

 

Thanks guys and goodbye.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm gutted she doesn't feel the same way, but that can't be helped.

 

I'm just gutted I didn't act the correct way about it. I feel like I've ruined a whole months worth of interaction between us because of that one text. That wasn't how I wanted her last impression of me to be, but I panicked and wanted to try and rectify it.

 

I suppose you could text an apology, but you probably should just leave it alone . I'm sure it's not the first time this has happened. OLD men tend to be this way when rejected, in my experience. It can be really infuriating.

[Assassino]

I suppose you could text an apology, but you probably should just leave it alone . I'm sure it's not the first time this has happened. OLD men tend to be this way when rejected, in my experience. It can be really infuriating.

 

Damage is done but I decided to send a brief apology for the last text saying I didnt want that being her last impression of me and I'll respect what she wants, no hard feelings and thanks for being honest with me, good luck. It was just a sentence.

 

Yeah I should've left it well alone but I felt I was an ass about it and deserved an apology, and something I should've said from the beginning, but hey-ho.

 

I deleted her number and the conversation to prevent further communication.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Assassino

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, I don't think that hurt anything. Onward and upward.

[Assassino]

She replied but as I thought

 

Wow that is literally one of the sweetest texts. I wasn’t accusing you, I was just saying why I was on there.

 

The key ring was a lovely gesture, we have a lot in common but I don’t feel as much of a connection as you do, and I feel rubbish because of that. I feel it’s more friendship rather than dating.

 

We’ve all had bad relationship experiences in the past and maybe I feel this way because of my own experiences. You don’t look like a muppet or stupid at all, dating is really hard. You’re such a lovely guy and you shouldn’t let this experience stop you from any future dates you go on.

 

You don’t need to apologise for that text Iv been out with friends hence my sporadic reply.

 

She didn’t feel a connection and I understand that, I’d rather be with someone who feels a connection there. Disappointed because I liked her a LOT, but at least she didn’t think bad of me.

 

Every girl I’ve dated or got into a relationship with always results in “no connection between us”. I’ve dated lots of different girls and always the same outcome. I feel worthless in public seeing couples happy together and wondering what I’m doing wrong.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She replied but as I thought

 

 

 

She didn’t feel a connection and I understand that, I’d rather be with someone who feels a connection there. Disappointed because I liked her a LOT, but at least she didn’t think bad of me.

 

Every girl I’ve dated or got into a relationship with always results in “no connection between us”. I’ve dated lots of different girls and always the same outcome. I feel worthless in public seeing couples happy together and wondering what I’m doing wrong.

 

I'm glad you got that gracious response from her.

 

The only thing you're doing wrong is trying to figure out how exactly the girl wants you to act, behave, down to every physical move on a date, just to GET the girl, instead of just being yourself, acting the way YOU want to act, and seeing if the two of you are even compatible. When's the last time you were on a date with a girl you had no interest in pursuing a relationship with/going on a second date?

 

I bet you'd have better luck finding a girlfriend if the internet and texting did not exist. If it was 1990.

 

I know you don't see it, and it's impossible for us to explain since we haven't seen you in person, but trust us, your insecurity and lack of confidence and being contrived IS coming across on your dates as inauthentic. A woman wants a man who is 100% OK with who they are.

[Cookiesandough]

I hope you do heed it!!! I would also heed CA and Vyliss and everyone else advice very strongly because I think it would greatly benefit your dating life. If you think multidating will benefit you try it, but some people just don't like it. You seem to not have a problem getting the girl really interested at first but it goes bad after. I think also in your anxiety you are engaging in a little push/pull games as well. Those are obvious to people too. You said you intentionally do not intiate because you didnt want to come on too strong. The hot and the cold games can seem calculated and be a turn off. No one will ever no for sure what it was, though. Onward...

[Assassino]

I'm glad you got that gracious response from her.

 

The only thing you're doing wrong is trying to figure out how exactly the girl wants you to act, behave, down to every physical move on a date, just to GET the girl, instead of just being yourself, acting the way YOU want to act, and seeing if the two of you are even compatible. When's the last time you were on a date with a girl you had no interest in pursuing a relationship with/going on a second date?

 

I bet you'd have better luck finding a girlfriend if the internet and texting did not exist. If it was 1990.

 

I know you don't see it, and it's impossible for us to explain since we haven't seen you in person, but trust us, your insecurity and lack of confidence and being contrived IS coming across on your dates as inauthentic. A woman wants a man who is 100% OK with who they are.

 

I was talking to another girl alongside this one before our first date. We went out and I decided not to bother asking her our for a second date.

 

Yeah I'm old fashioned in dating, very gentlemanly and I feel like girls perceive that as boring. I can make girls laugh though.

 

I do act myself ON the dates, like it's my own personality and sense of humour and if I want to kiss her then I will. I don't go on the date with a rule book of what to do. Only thing I analyse is whether they're showing signs of interest or disinterest.

 

There's moments where I am confident and on top of the world, but I do have my awkward moments too. If anything, sometimes I can worry about what to say, how I should say it, should I say it, rather then just not caring how I come across!

 

Only time I follow a rulebook would be the following day after a date and making sure I nail down the next date, but otherwise, I am my true self in person.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I was talking to another girl alongside this one before our first date. We went out and I decided not to bother asking her our for a second date.

 

Yeah I'm old fashioned in dating, very gentlemanly and I feel like girls perceive that as boring. I can make girls laugh though.

 

I do act myself ON the dates, like it's my own personality and sense of humour and if I want to kiss her then I will. I don't go on the date with a rule book of what to do. Only thing I analyse is whether they're showing signs of interest or disinterest.

 

There's moments where I am confident and on top of the world, but I do have my awkward moments too. If anything, sometimes I can worry about what to say, how I should say it, should I say it, rather then just not caring how I come across!

 

Only time I follow a rulebook would be the following day after a date and making sure I nail down the next date, but otherwise, I am my true self in person.

 

You definitely strike me as a "take home to mama" type of guy. Mothers would probably love you for their daughters. Don't give up.....you just need to find a girl who appreciates this <3.

[Assassino]

I hope you do heed it!!! I would also heed CA and Vyliss and everyone else advice very strongly because I think it would greatly benefit your dating life. If you think multidating will benefit you try it, but some people just don't like it. You seem to not have a problem getting the girl really interested at first but it goes bad after. I think also in your anxiety you are engaging in a little push/pull games as well. Those are obvious to people too. You said you intentionally do not intiate because you didnt want to come on too strong. The hot and the cold games can seem calculated and be a turn off. No one will ever no for sure what it was, though. Onward...

 

Some people don't like multi dating, but they don't have to know I am. I'm not going to tell the girl I'm dating that I'm also dating others, would feel like bad ettiquite. It will help my "fear of loss" with a girl though and will stop me over analysing actions if the other girl I'm talking to is showing me all the right signs.

 

Yeah I have a problem keeping a girl interested and I wish I knew why. It's obviously a problem with me or it wouldn't happen with every girl I meet.

 

With my response time, I have a justifyable reason as I work a lot so that makes sense why I can take a while to reply.

 

I should've text her yesterday and put in the effort to reach out. I was going to wait until evening today to do that but guess I waited too long to not seem eager. It's been known to be interested in what you can't have.

 

I still think even if I could go back in time a day and sent that text, she'd have still come out with the same rejection. Possibly given me a 5th date, but if I recall the signs on the 4th date, I think her mind was made up a week ago when she "unhid" her profile and edited her description.