Girlfriend attracted to another guy in front of me

[Cobra_X]

Absolutely. And that's a very big "if".

Don't think it was 'deliberate', I think it was a 'swept up in the moment' thing.

 

If she really loves you, then she will take whatever steps are required to keep you in her life. That doesn't seem to be happening, so you know exactly how she feels. She has probably been losing the attraction to you for a long time.

 

You say that you have good chemistry with her friend? Maybe it's time to test that out. This might be a good time to reach out to her "friend" and ask for advice. Talk about your feelings. If you guys have chemistry this is your best opportunity.

[BluesPower]

I think you need to stop making excuses for her...

 

The whole caught up in the moment thing is crap. She was caught up in seeing if pretty boy wanted to be with her like you said from the beginning.

 

As I said before, she knew exactly what she was doing and you know that you want no part of those head games.

 

As far as her being you whole social life, dude, get another one and maybe you can associate with a little better class of woman and men.

 

You really need to let this one go, for good...

[kvb92]

You say that you have good chemistry with her friend? Maybe it's time to test that out. This might be a good time to reach out to her "friend" and ask for advice. Talk about your feelings. If you guys have chemistry this is your best opportunity.

 

I might just do that...

[LivingWaterPlease]

You're going to be fine as you seem to have a level head on your shoulders and are processing this very well, kvb92!

[Cobra_X]

I might just do that...

 

You have to play your cards right. First, you have to make her feel that her friend did you dirty. Make sure she knows how hurt and broke up about it you are... talk alot about your feelings. Ask her opinion on things.

 

When you officially break up. Let this girl know and ask her to hang out because you "need a friend". Each time you interact with her ramp up the flirting, and ramp up the physical contact. Watch her reactions. If she seems to reciprocate... then go for a make out session.

 

I've done this before. You have to play it cool, and make sure she is attracted to you AND make sure she feels at the appropriate time that you are over the previous relationship. You would be surprised at how often girls will jump on their friends ex. Especially when the breakup is your choice, but not your fault.

[kvb92]

You have to play your cards right. First, you have to make her feel that her friend did you dirty. Make sure she knows how hurt and broke up about it you are... talk alot about your feelings. Ask her opinion on things.

 

When you officially break up. Let this girl know and ask her to hang out because you "need a friend". Each time you interact with her ramp up the flirting, and ramp up the physical contact. Watch her reactions. If she seems to reciprocate... then go for a make out session.

 

I've done this before. You have to play it cool, and make sure she is attracted to you AND make sure she feels at the appropriate time that you are over the previous relationship. You would be surprised at how often girls will jump on their friends ex. Especially when the breakup is your choice, but not your fault.

 

Yeah there's a slight problem. She has a boyfriend.

 

Even still, I'd like to keep her in my life in case something changes with her feelings/status. I just talked to her and we're meeting up on Friday to discuss things.

[Cobra_X]

Yeah there's a slight problem. She has a boyfriend.

Even still, I'd like to keep her in my life in case something changes with her feelings/status. I just talked to her and we're meeting up on Friday to discuss things.

 

LOL... that just means she won't see you coming!

 

In the future make sure to share any and all dating disaster stories with her. Like this girl I dated fresh out of prison... ooops. Or the woman that brought a pet RAT in her purse to fancy restaurant on our first date.

[olivetree]

Yeah there's a slight problem. She has a boyfriend.

 

Even still, I'd like to keep her in my life in case something changes with her feelings/status. I just talked to her and we're meeting up on Friday to discuss things.

 

If you've got your eye on your gf's friend, I don't think you can really complain about the situation you're in.

[kvb92]

If you've got your eye on your gf's friend, I don't think you can really complain about the situation you're in.

Seriously? It's not uncommon for everyone to have little things for other people we meet, including the friends of significant others, as we move through life.

 

The difference between my girlfriend and I, is she acted on one of those little things and I didn't because I was with her.

[olivetree]

Seriously? It's not uncommon for everyone to have little things for other people we meet, including the friends of significant others, as we move through life.

 

The difference between my girlfriend and I, is she acted on one of those little things and I didn't because I was with her.

 

You are already planning it out while you are still with your gf.

 

Focus on what is happening with her first instead of arranging a back up plan.

 

And of all the people you could pick, picking her friend is not a good move.

[kvb92]

You are already planning it out while you are still with your gf.

 

Focus on what is happening with her first instead of arranging a back up plan.

 

And of all the people you could pick, picking her friend is not a good move.

My gf was the one who suggested I talk to her, because she was the other girl there that night and could offer a fresh perspective.

 

We're meeting up to talk about my situation with my gf, I am focusing on what happens with her. I'm just saying I'd like to keep her in my life in case things go south with my gf (which they in all likelihood will). Aside from what I've said, she's always been very sweet to me and we have a lot in common. I need friends in life. And she has a boyfriend, so I don't know why you think I'm gonna make a move. Going after another guy's girl is a huge no-no for me, because I know the pain it causes.

[TheFinalWord]

I haven't seen her since then but I feel just as ****ty about it as I did Saturday night. We talked on the phone about it last night and it went horribly. I admitted that I no longer trust her (because if she would do all this right in front of my face, then what is she doing when I'm not around), and that she made me feel invisible while I was there. She maintained all of it was friendly, even though she was attracted to him, and broke down in tears because she felt she was losing me.

 

I just feel stuck on how to handle this. I don't want to be with a girl I can't trust, and the fact that she won't own up to what happened is making it hard to move past it because I feel like we've learned nothing. But my heart broke to hear her so upset last night. Should I let this one go and only nip it in the bud if it happens again? Am I the one being unreasonable here? Sorry this is so long.

 

She has to know that would bother you. That would bother anyone if you're in a relationship with another. Yes, you can notice another person, but if you're in a committed relationship, you're not supposed to entertain those thoughts as you're with someone else.

 

I have not read the other responses yet, but my initial reaction is she did this intentionally, knowing it would bother you. Sometimes if a woman does not want to be the bad guy and break up, she will pull stunts to get you so upset you will be the one that breaks up with her.

 

How is the rest of the relationship?

[kvb92]

She has to know that would bother you. That would bother anyone if you're in a relationship with another. Yes, you can notice another person, but if you're in a committed relationship, you're not supposed to entertain those thoughts as you're with someone else.

 

I have not read the other responses yet, but my initial reaction is she did this intentionally, knowing it would bother you. Sometimes if a woman does not want to be the bad guy and break up, she will pull stunts to get you so upset you will be the one that breaks up with her.

 

How is the rest of the relationship?

It seemed fine. I was blindsided and mortified. I still don't know the why. I wish I did. Did she just feel stronger feelings for him? Did I do something wrong in the weeks leading up? Everyone gets complacent to some extent when they get into a relationship. Maybe I got too lazy? I don't know what I did, or if I even did anything wrong. I thought everything was fine before that night. Like I said in another post, she frequently told me she loved me, she talked about getting a dog or a cat together (a commitment), we'd traveled places.

 

She might have tried to get me to break up with her, but I don't know. She fought hard to get me to stay over the last few days, although she refuses to take any responsibility for what happened.

 

I'm wondering if it was simply a lack of impulse control on her part. Lust can be a powerful emotion.

[Cobra_X]

It seemed fine. I was blindsided and mortified. I still don't know the why. I wish I did. Did she just feel stronger feelings for him? Did I do something wrong in the weeks leading up? Everyone gets complacent to some extent when they get into a relationship. Maybe I got too lazy? I don't know what I did, or if I even did anything wrong. I thought everything was fine before that night. Like I said in another post, she frequently told me she loved me, she talked about getting a dog or a cat together (a commitment), we'd traveled places.

She might have tried to get me to break up with her, but I don't know. She fought hard to get me to stay over the last few days, although she refuses to take any responsibility for what happened.

I'm wondering if it was simply a lack of impulse control on her part. Lust can be a powerful emotion.

 

I think the seeds for this were sown a while ago. My question is not if you got too lazy, but if you became too permissive. When she asked you to do things for her... did you do them? Did she ever push your boundaries in other ways?

 

Also... had you ever done anything that could have made her question your passion for her?

[KBob]

I think the seeds for this were sown a while ago. My question is not if you got too lazy, but if you became too permissive. When she asked you to do things for her... did you do them? Did she ever push your boundaries in other ways?

 

Also... had you ever done anything that could have made her question your passion for her?

 

Bottom line is if she had problems with these things she should have brought them up before it got to this point.

[itsanything]

she was rude and inconsiderate with you there, imagine what she doesn't if you aren't there...

[Cobra_X]

Bottom line is if she had problems with these things she should have brought them up before it got to this point.

 

It's pretty rare to find a woman that understands why she thinks and feels the way she does. It's a bit more common in older women.

 

Most girls operate completely on instinct, without any introspection or serious thought put into why they do what they do. The only people who really start learning about themselves are people who struggle, and it causes them to evaluate their actions. Most girls generally have an easy time getting into relationships and they are the ones picking the guy, so most of their mental capacity is spent devising screening methods to "pick the right guy" rather than understanding their own feelings and actions. If they struggle with relationships this will come later.

[TaxMan]

Regardless her behaviour is despicable. Your point actually is irrelevant in this case

 

Its like me saying im kissing a girl in front of my girlfriend. But becsuse my girlfriend didnt communicate with me she was upset she is a pussy. Also your comment is demeaning and sexist by saying man up.

 

Yes, her behavior was wrong. But he also needs to set his own boundaries and expectations. Everyone is different. One lesson I've learned is to never expect someone to behave like I would - everyone has different ideas of their boundaries and expectations. If you don't communicate them, that's on you.

 

Her behavior was wrong. Him not communicating his displeasure and instead sulking and expecting her to react was passive aggressive - not an effective response. In fact, likely to achieve the opposite of what he wants.

 

If she behaves badly and he says, "This is how you made me feel with your actions and I hope we can learn from this and move on" - THAT might make a difference. Sulking and withdrawing from her is not going to, no matter what.

[TaxMan]

OP, I'm going to share a quick story, from about 15 years ago -

 

I was dating (for about a year) the woman who would eventually become my wife. We were planning to move in together about a month after this incident.

 

We were at a holiday party at a party room above a local bar. We were young (20s) and she was dressed to the T and looking super hot. After the party, we went downstairs to the bar. While we were sitting at the bar ordering a drink, she walked up to a guy who was at the juke box and started talking to him and stroking his mustache.

 

After a few minutes of this, she came back to me at the bar and sipped her drink for a bit and he returned to a seat further down the bar by himself.

 

We chatted a bit and I asked who he was. Turns out he was a guy she knew for years who had expressed interest in her and she rebuffed him. I felt OK and we moved on.

 

Then, a few minutes later, she said she had to go to the restroom, which was on the other side of the bar from where we were seated.

 

She had to walk past him, and past a crowd at the bar who knew both of us, to get there. As she walked past him, she stroked his back and whispered in his ear. Then she walked into the ladies room. He followed her into the ladies room a few seconds later. They were in there for several minutes while I was steaming at the bar, alone.

 

Having seen this happen (without her even suggesting to me she was going to do it and why), I paid for our drinks, got up and walked out without a word. I went to a place down the street and called a cab to take me home.

 

She called my cell phone and I didn't answer. She ended up tracking me down at the other place while I was waiting for a cab. She came in and sat there without talking to me. I ended up leaving without her.

 

Fast forward a few days. Friday night to Sunday morning. She shows up at my house in a trench coat, takes me to my bedroom and takes off the coat. She is naked. We end up having sex all afternoon before even discussing what had happened two nights earlier. (STUPID, I know now.)

 

By the time we discussed it, she had concocted the excuse that she wanted to explain to him that she was with me, but do it in private so he didn't get his feelings hurt in front of me or other people. I didn't believe her, but I was in love with her so I forgave her and moved on.

 

I considered breaking up with her. But I didn't. We ended up moving in, getting married, having a child. We ended up getting divorced a couple years ago after I discovered her cheating on me.

 

I'm not saying this is going to happen to you. But I can definitely relate, and it wouldn't surprise me if the result is the same. It's disrespect, it's thinking of her own wants and needs and not yours, it's feeding her own ego and not giving a care about how it makes you feel.

 

I would encourage you to communicate that all to her before you break up so that the next time this happens (if there is a next time) you don't deal with it by sulking and withdrawing. Communicating is the only way to get past this.

 

I wish you luck, OP. I've been in your shoes (not exactly, but similar), so I know how much it hurts.

 

Take care.

[guest569]

Him not communicating his displeasure and instead sulking and expecting her to react was passive aggressive - not an effective response. In fact, likely to achieve the opposite of what he wants.

 

While it may be deemed as 'passive aggressive' and an 'ineffective' response, I disagree that you have done anything wrong and I would have handled this situation the same way. It is absolutely NOT on you. At all. You were understandably in shock and hurt at the time and your response/reaction was to withdraw. There are situations like this that leave us lost for words. Your girlfriend's behaviour is disgusting and inexcusable. Some say it's because she is young and immature and has no boundaries. That it is cool to cheat and it is on the other person for not declaring that they don't like being cheated on. I don't think it is necessary to say 'hey, when you cheated on me right before my eyes, it hurt and made me feel bad'. She has laughed it off and maintained her position of innocence while accusing you of overreacting to a 'friendly encounter'. It was 'friendly' alright. That is the whole point. She has no remorse or respect or even acknowledgement of your feelings.

 

Some say that because she is a young woman, she has no idea about boundaries or how her behaviour impacts on anyone else. I say that is a load of rubbish. There are plenty of young people out there who are loyal and sensitive to others' feelings and who can take responsibility for their actions. It is inexcusable! You can do much better.

[kvb92]

Just received this text from her today after I offered to talk about things tomorrow. Granted this is after fighting back and forth all week:

 

""I'm going to Pennsylvania with [blank] during the weekend. We are leaving Friday and She said there won't be any reception up in the mountains. Plus as you said I need more time to think whether it's worth it. I'll talk to you when I get back."

 

Sounds like things are as good as over. In a way I feel relieved. The anxiety about everything is gone. Now the depression and emptiness and loneliness are gonna settle in.

 

Should I actually respond to her when she gets back or just go NC immediately now? Should I bother still to meet up with her friend? Not that it matters much, but they'll probably think I'm the devil without me explaining my side of it.

 

 

Most importantly, thank you all for you opinions. This thread helped me learn that I have a lot of work to do on my communication skills. If last Friday didn't kill things, my arguing with her certainly did.

Edited October 12, 2017 by kvb92

[Cobra_X]

Just received this text from her today after I offered to talk about things tomorrow. Granted this is after fighting back and forth all week:

""I'm going to Pennsylvania with [blank] during the weekend. We are leaving Friday and She said there won't be any reception up in the mountains. Plus as you said I need more time to think whether it's worth it. I'll talk to you when I get back."

Sounds like things are as good as over. In a way I feel relieved. The anxiety about everything is gone. Now the depression and emptiness and loneliness are gonna settle in.

Should I actually respond to her when she gets back or just go NC immediately now? Should I bother still to meet up with her friend? Not that it matters much, but they'll probably think I'm the devil without me explaining my side of it.

Most importantly, thank you all for you opinions. This thread helped me learn that I have a lot of work to do on my communication skills. If last Friday didn't kill things, my arguing with her certainly did.

 

She is chasing the other guy. She may be under the mistaken belief that if it doesn't work out with him... that she can alway patch things up with you. This is the backburner.

 

If the friend agrees with your side of the story... She Was There... then that will help give you closure! Plus... she may have a BF, but you are playing the long game here.

 

As for NC, it depends on you. If you feel "over it", then there is no need for NC. If you feel like she might suck you back in... then best to go NC. Personally... I would just start dating other women. If she hits you back up at some point down the road, I would be open to sex and that's it. I'm kind of a dog that way.

[kvb92]

She is chasing the other guy. She may be under the mistaken belief that if it doesn't work out with him... that she can alway patch things up with you. This is the backburner.

 

If the friend agrees with your side of the story... She Was There... then that will help give you closure! Plus... she may have a BF, but you are playing the long game here.

 

As for NC, it depends on you. If you feel "over it", then there is no need for NC. If you feel like she might suck you back in... then best to go NC. Personally... I would just start dating other women. If she hits you back up at some point down the road, I would be open to sex and that's it. I'm kind of a dog that way.

I'm pretty sure the guy is gay lol. Or very flamboyant. That and I don't think he has any interest in her. It was funny to hear her use the explanation "I went home with you!" as a defense that she was more attracted to me. Uhhh, he never offered for you to stay the night nor did he reciprocate your interest. Do you think she's lying about the mountains/no reception thing?

 

I agree that the friend will give me closure. I'll go there and say what I was gonna say before I received the text. She'll know best. In a private conversation, she told my ex-gf that it didn't seem like she was showing feelings for him, but she might have been lying to protect her. That and I doubt she was as attentive to my ex-gf's actions as I was.

 

I honestly am wondering if I'm stuck in some power play here, like my gf is the one that wants to do the breaking up. Frankly, if she wants that, I don't really care at this point. I feel over her, but breakups always bring back painful memories so maybe NC is best. I haven't decided yet. the fact that she wants to shelve a potentially relationship saving conversation and go on vacation tells me all I need to know about where we are.

Edited October 12, 2017 by kvb92

[BluesPower]

I'm pretty sure the guy is gay lol. Or very flamboyant. That and I don't think he has any interest in her. It was funny to hear her use the explanation "I went home with you!" as a defense that she was more attracted to me. Uhhh, he never offered for you to stay the night nor did he reciprocate your interest. Do you think she's lying about the mountains/no reception thing?

 

I agree that the friend will give me closure. I'll go there and say what I was gonna say before I received the text. She'll know best. In a private conversation, she told my ex-gf that it didn't seem like she was showing feelings for him, but she might have been lying to protect her. That and I doubt she was as attentive to my ex-gf's actions as I was.

 

I honestly am wondering if I'm stuck in some power play here, like my gf is the one that wants to do the breaking up. Frankly, if she wants that, I don't really care at this point. I feel over her, but breakups always bring back painful memories so maybe NC is best. I haven't decided yet. the fact that she wants to shelve a potentially relationship saving conversation and go on vacation tells me all I need to know about where we are.

 

Yes her deciding to go on Vaca... does tell you all you need to know. And you really don't know that she is going with whoever, it could just as easily be another guy for all you know based on her behavior.

 

I do think that you should talk to the friend. Not really to get with her but to get your side of the story out. I would emphasize the fact that she did not talk to you or sit by you or act like you two were a couple all night. And the she was alone smoking dope with him for a while.

 

Tell he BFF about how it made you feel disrespected and hurt your feelings.

 

And don't forget to relay that she would not/could not "understand" what she had done wrong.

 

For my money, it really looks like she is ready to break up and she does not want to be the bad guy. I have had them do that to me, and I say, oh, let me help you out, we are done...

[kvb92]

Yes her deciding to go on Vaca... does tell you all you need to know. And you really don't know that she is going with whoever, it could just as easily be another guy for all you know based on her behavior.

 

I do think that you should talk to the friend. Not really to get with her but to get your side of the story out. I would emphasize the fact that she did not talk to you or sit by you or act like you two were a couple all night. And the she was alone smoking dope with him for a while.

 

Tell he BFF about how it made you feel disrespected and hurt your feelings.

 

And don't forget to relay that she would not/could not "understand" what she had done wrong.

 

For my money, it really looks like she is ready to break up and she does not want to be the bad guy. I have had them do that to me, and I say, oh, let me help you out, we are done...

I really don't think it's with 'another guy'. She's 23 and has had very little dating experience. The most likely alternative to the vacation story is that she's hanging out with other friends including that guy tomorrow night, which is certainly possible. The mutual friend in all of this, is the girl I'm talking to tomorrow. So I might be able to find out. I think she's nice enough that she would pay me the courtesy of honesty. If this girl thinks something is gonna happen between her and the guy, I think she's in for a very rude awakening. He didn't show a modicum of romantic interest in her from what I could tell. She just gambled all her chips away if that's the case.

 

I'll relay the whole thing, my friend. I'm really interested to see how she responds because she likes both of us. Funnily enough, all of my ex-gf's girl friends like me. Getting the story out will hopefully help not paint me as the bad guy. Or an insecure loser or some bull****.

 

I will happily be the bad guy in breaking up with her, however. Should I send her a text tomorrow? I'm all for doing it in person, but she decided to bail out on that conversation that could've happened tomorrow.