Girlfriend attracted to another guy in front of me

[coolheadal]

All I can say about reading the above poster is that: Chivalry Is Not Dead!

[kvb92]

I'm going to be honest and tell you things that other posters won't. I married a woman who did this to me several times while we were dating. I was 18 and honestly didn't know how to handle it. People LIE to young men all the time about why this happens and how to fix it.

 

First, this girl is testing your boundaries. She openly checked this guy out in front of you to see how you would react. She may believe that she had another reason for this... but she wanted to see how far she could push you.

 

By reacting with passivity you gave her permission to IGNORE YOU and FLIRT WITH THE OTHER GUY.

 

 

 

This comment was literally designed to provoke you. In her head I'm sure she was thinking it would make you feel like she was still focused on you. However, she is clearly 100% focused on the other guy and in fact is suggesting that you change to be like him.

 

This was a test to see if you are going to respond like a man and stop her behavior or act like a scared little boy that she can push around.

 

You should have verbally spanked her right here at this point.

 

 

 

Because you have completely failed to put your foot down... she keeps pushing.

 

 

 

She is crying to emotionally manipulate you. You responded to her boundary pushing after the fact. She wants to know that she can do this again and that some crocodile tears are all thats required to make you obedient to her will.

 

So look, I've been through this before. I handled it just like you did. I watched it happen 2 times and each time got over it after some well timed tears. I married her. A few years later she is cheating. When I ended the marriage she was STUNNED, because I had never shown a spine before.

 

Take heed of what I say and save yourself massive heartache. You cannot continue to be permissive with women like this... You have to draw a hard line and stick to it. Make sure she knows you won't take this kind of behavior. There has to be consequences for this.

 

As a final thought. You know something my Xwife said to me later. It reveals the way she was thinking about these situations. She said.. "You were never willing to fight for me". Some women want to provoke a situation were you need to make another man step back. I'm not saying that's what your girl is thinking, but it's a possibility.

 

Dude, I appreciate your perspective on this. But there's no ****ing way I'm putting up with that many mind games from a woman. No woman is worth that. Just stop testing me, how about that?

 

I would rather break up with a girl then jump through a bunch of ridiculous hoops to satisfy her insecurities.

[Cobra_X]

Thanks for all the responses guys. I appreciate all perspectives, even the ones that vilify me

I broached the conversation with her tonight and we're at a serious impasse. She is adamant that it was just friendly interaction. And I told her "I don't believe you". And I never will believe her on that. To do so would go against my intuition, and every other warning sign in my brain telling me otherwise. I'm not sure how to come back from this when we're stuck at this point.

 

No. This is wrong. It doesn't matter what she intended. If you are arguing about what's in her heart then you will always be at a disadvantage.

 

Instead focus on talking about YOUR emotions. How she made YOU feel. Acting like you don't trust her will just make her double down on her position and it gets you nowhere. Your goal is to make her understand how you felt about this and the idea that you don't trust her should be discussed separately.

 

She's apologized a few times. The problem is that she's apologizing that I "misunderstood her interactions" with the guy. I need her to be honest about something being there, cause it allows us to have an open conversation so that it doesn't happen again, to either of us.

If she maintains that it was just friendly, then we're never gonna be able to be honest and we're finished.

 

Read the underlined part and understand that she is STILL pushing. This is her attempting to control the relationship. You should view this as an attempt to take your power away.

 

When you talk to her... focus on how it made you FEEL. This is not a logical argument it's an emotional argument.

 

I would perhaps begin looking to date other girls. You don't have to dump her yet. Maybe find someone better first.

[coolheadal]

Dude, I appreciate your perspective on this. But there's no ****ing way I'm putting up with that many mind games from a woman. No woman is worth that. Just stop testing me, how about that?

 

I would rather break up with a girl then jump through a bunch of ridiculous hoops to satisfy her insecurities.

 

Listen it's all up to you dude, because you know her better than we all would have seen this action. She might have done things that were out of line. Well end it if you must but she's loosing you and that will hurt her more than she has hurt you. To figure out why she did it, only she could say that. Tease and flirt playing games is the worst.

[kvb92]

I did that mate, I made it clear that I did not misunderstood anything. I told her I don't believe she had no feelings, and that if she can't come to be honest with me, then it's gonna be a dealbreaker. She has until Friday to come clean about things.

[Cobra_X]

Dude, I appreciate your perspective on this. But there's no ****ing way I'm putting up with that many mind games from a woman. No woman is worth that. Just stop testing me, how about that?

I would rather break up with a girl then jump through a bunch of ridiculous hoops to satisfy her insecurities.

 

Great, but do you now understand what she is doing and why?

[kvb92]

Great, but do you now understand what she is doing and why?

Yeah I get why she would, but I also want to make it clear that I won't put up with it and that this is a dealbreaker. If she continues to test me, we are finished.

[coolheadal]

I did that mate, I made it clear that I did not misunderstood anything. I told her I don't believe she had no feelings, and that if she can't come to be honest with me, then it's gonna be a dealbreaker. She has until Friday to come clean about things.

 

She might not come clean about it, and your already embarrassed and hurt. She's going to be more hurt for the loss of you, because she didn't think of what she did, flirt, tease and being playful in front of you. So lets see what she does Friday. Honest or more of the same lies and flirting.. Then you walk and say goodbye forever it's your lost you messed up big time. (no need to swear at her) just puts more negative energy into this situation. let sleeping dogs lie

[EthanSPK]

She's apologized a few times. The problem is that she's apologizing that I "misunderstood her interactions" with the guy. I need her to be honest about something being there, cause it allows us to have an open conversation so that it doesn't happen again, to either of us.

 

If she maintains that it was just friendly, then we're never gonna be able to be honest and we're finished.

 

That's a big load of BS.

 

"Oh dear, I'm sorry that you're so dumb that thought I wanted to bangarang with that guy"

 

If someone told me such thing, I'd feel like they're laughing at me. Nevermind what others say, don't put up with her BS. Nothing is more important than self respect.

[kvb92]

She might not come clean about it, and your already embarrassed and hurt. She's going to be more hurt for the loss of you, because she didn't think of what she did, flirt, tease and being playful in front of you. So lets see what she does Friday. Honest or more of the same lies and flirting.. Then you walk and say goodbye forever it's your lost you messed up big time. (no need to swear at her) just puts more negative energy into this situation. let sleeping dogs lie

 

Honestly if she just admitted that she got carried away with lust or feelings or whatever, we could have a talk about it and ensure it doesn't happen again. Right now she was just being "friendly", so I look like the bad guy if I try to outlaw her from being "friendly" again. It seems..... manipulative.

[coolheadal]

Honestly if she just admitted that she got carried away with lust or feelings or whatever, we could have a talk about it and ensure it doesn't happen again. Right now she was just being "friendly", so I look like the bad guy if I try to outlaw her from being "friendly" again. It seems..... manipulative.

 

Come on now how was she just being friendly that's excuse. Don't believe it for one moment! Your not the bad guy she's the bad gal.. She knew what she was doing..She good at what she does! But you know better. Friday lets see what happens! Could be another excuse from her lips this time around. You will walk out of her life for good!

[BlueIvy]

This has been making me sick all week...

 

On Friday night we went out to a friend of her's party at a bar. Everything went fine there, though she was acting a bit more distant towards me than usual. Right before we left the bar, I caught her checking out one of the other guys that was with us (she did that whole scan him up and down and follow his movements thing). Admittedly that made me a little jealous, but hey I check girls out and she checks guys out. No big deal.

 

Then me, my gf, and 2 other friends left the bar and went over to the place of the guy who she was checking out (I forget whose idea it was to, but it wouldn't surprise me now if it was my gf's). On the car ride over there (the guy she was checking out was not in the car), she started inquiring about the guy. She asked if he was gay and when her friend said no, she went "ooooooooh". She made a comment about how she liked his hair, and then told me she likes when guys have long hair and I should try it. At this point I'm getting kind of mad at her cause she's not even being subtle about her attraction. It hurt and embarrassed me in front of the other 2.

 

When we got to his place we got locked out and we were stuck in the hallway. My gf was on the other side of the hallway, didn't go near me or touch me at all (she knew I was upset about something but chose not to ask what was up or to come over to me). I got really quiet cause that's what I do when I'm upset and I just stood there, but meanwhile she was talking it up with this guy and laughing at his jokes and stuff. When we got into his place, the 3 of us went out to the porch, while him and my gf stayed inside as he rolled a blunt (again, she's getting alone time with him and ignoring me entirely while I'm outside).

 

When she came out a bit later, she asked if I was bonding with the other 2. I was really cold toward her, can't remember what I said. After that we smoked the weed and when he went and came out with a second blunt she said "awwww, he's so sweet". I wouldn't even make eye contact with her at this point, I felt embarrassed, emasculated, and a bit spiteful.

 

We came home and she was feeling sick so i dropped her off in the bed downstairs. I then slept in the bed upstairs cause the thought of sleeping in the same bed as her made me feel sick. I confronted her about it the next day, she maintained that she was only being friendly and I misinterpreted, but she apologized that I had misinterpreted and admitted he was cute. I was supposed to stay the night that night at her house, but I told her I wouldn't and I went home.

 

I haven't seen her since then but I feel just as ****ty about it as I did Saturday night. We talked on the phone about it last night and it went horribly. I admitted that I no longer trust her (because if she would do all this right in front of my face, then what is she doing when I'm not around), and that she made me feel invisible while I was there. She maintained all of it was friendly, even though she was attracted to him, and broke down in tears because she felt she was losing me.

 

I just feel stuck on how to handle this. I don't want to be with a girl I can't trust, and the fact that she won't own up to what happened is making it hard to move past it because I feel like we've learned nothing. But my heart broke to hear her so upset last night. Should I let this one go and only nip it in the bud if it happens again? Am I the one being unreasonable here? Sorry this is so long.

 

As a woman, the bolded is only thing I saw as disrespectful. Like, why does she need to know if he's gay? And why did she say "ooh" and then her mentioning you should do your hair like his. And she said it front of other people.

 

The other stuff sounds like she was just being friendly. The fact she doesn't know you're mad makes me think you guys haven't been dating long?

 

If you wanna save the relationship, have another talk and ask her how it feels. But if you feel like you can't trust her, even after her apology, then just end it now.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for all the responses guys. I appreciate all perspectives, even the ones that vilify me

 

 

I broached the conversation with her tonight and we're at a serious impasse. She is adamant that it was just friendly interaction. And I told her "I don't believe you". And I never will believe her on that. To do so would go against my intuition, and every other warning sign in my brain telling me otherwise. I'm not sure how to come back from this when we're stuck at this point.

 

I understand why you feel awful about this and am sorry you were treated this way.

 

As to the bolded text above, it seeems to me either she's lying or she doesn't understand what it is to respect yourself and others. Either one is a no go for a healthy relationship. She obviously physically distanced herself from you throughout the evening to present herself as, to some extent, available to him.

 

If a man treated me this way I'd behave cordially, call it an early night after the party and go to my own place. That would be our last date as I wouldn't want to try to teach him how to put on a respectful act.

 

I appreciate loving behavior that comes from the heart, not that is required. I'd explain that at the end of the date or the next day, whichever suited me best. Then I'd set him free to find someone he felt strongly enough about not to get sidetracked by others.

 

I'm all for communicating and working through problems but this is behavior that shows she doesn't respect herself or others and I don't believe you can teach her to do either. She's going to have to, hopefully, grow into it. And that's going to take some time and some life lessons, if she even chooses to do so.

[kvb92]

As a woman, the bolded is only thing I saw as disrespectful. Like, why does she need to know if he's gay? And why did she say "ooh" and then her mentioning you should do your hair like his. And she said it front of other people.

 

The other stuff sounds like she was just being friendly. The fact she doesn't know you're mad makes me think you guys haven't been dating long?

 

If you wanna save the relationship, have another talk and ask her how it feels. But if you feel like you can't trust her, even after her apology, then just end it now.

I think the being alone with him in the kitchen while I was outside after she expressed her attraction to him was disrespectful too. That and she didn't attempt to acknowledge we were a couple at any point during the night. No physical contact, barely any conversation between the two of us.

[staggerlee71]

to me the problem is she did not even try to see it your way, respect that you feel that way, and adjust accordingly. she defended which is about being right and not respecting how you feel. she just invalidated your feelings.

 

stay strong, on this one she needs to understand how you feel which she isn't even trying.

 

you will revisit this conversation. don't accuse her of doing you dirty, tell her it felt like she did you dirty, whether she thinks that or not. this is how it feels

 

if she cant respondto that in a loving way, she can hit the road

[kvb92]

She obviously physically distanced herself from you throughout the evening to present herself as, to some extent, available to him.

That's my fear. God I feel awful and heartbroken, thank you guys very much for listening.

 

I think I'm gonna end it on Friday.

[coolheadal]

I think the being alone with him in the kitchen while I was outside after she expressed her attraction to him was disrespectful too. That and she didn't attempt to acknowledge we were a couple at any point during the night. No physical contact, barely any conversation between the two of us.

 

You said this to us here? OMG! Forget her! Drop it with her. She a well I can't say that here. But you know what it is. That too bad that she did that to you while you were outside. She doesn't care then. She will continue to do this behind your back. She not into you as no woman would do that to some she loved. No physical contact (means she was really into this guy) barely any conversation between the two of you (lost interest) Time to go! Or kick her out! Tell her to pack her things and exit out of your life for good! Go be with him then.. Goodbye!

[LivingWaterPlease]

That's my fear. God I feel awful and heartbroken, thank you guys very much for listening.

 

I think I'm gonna end it on Friday.

 

I am so sorry, kvb92. Just know that this isn't about you at all. This is the way she's going to behave throughout her life until and unless she learns to value herself and others.

[Cobra_X]

That's my fear. God I feel awful and heartbroken, thank you guys very much for listening.

I think I'm gonna end it on Friday.

 

I don't think I would wait for her to suddenly see the light. You told her how this made you feel... she doesn't care. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care about how she makes you feel?

 

If it were me, I would not wait for her to come around. She is probably already trying to get this other guys number. I would update your Tinder profile and start looking for someone better... right now.

[basil67]

I was one of the posters who encouraged you to talk it out with her. Why? Because I'm not perfect and I've also made mistakes which didn't seem so bad until a partner told me that my behaviour wasn't OK.

 

I see the bigger part of the crime here in her not acknowledging how her actions made you feel. She could have said "I'm so sorry. I was rude and I'm mortified that I hurt you". But she didn't. She'd rather defend herself than take responsibility for her actions.

 

It's probably too late now - but rather than wanting her to own up to her motives on that night, a genuine apology is what I'd waiting for. And not a "sorry if I hurt you" but a proper one where it's obvious that she now sees how she hurt you.

[staggerlee71]

bump basil.

[joseb]

 

As a final thought. You know something my Xwife said to me later. It reveals the way she was thinking about these situations. She said.. "You were never willing to fight for me". Some women want to provoke a situation were you need to make another man step back. I'm not saying that's what your girl is thinking, but it's a possibility.

 

I agree with your post.

 

And yes, this is exactly what some women do.

I can probably handle it, enforce boundaries "prove" myself...

 

But you know what, it's really not worth it.

 

Plenty of decent women out there that don't pull this crap.

[joseb]

They have open relationship where he can browse and check out women as she can check out men.

 

...

 

 

but they have open relationship to check other people. Let's not forget that here!

 

Where did you read that they have an open relationship?

[doyathinkso]

It would seem that your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend has run its course.

 

She is now openly shopping around for your replacement right in front of you.

 

Stick a fork in it my friend. It's done.

[heavenonearth]

I think the being alone with him in the kitchen while I was outside after she expressed her attraction to him was disrespectful too. That and she didn't attempt to acknowledge we were a couple at any point during the night. No physical contact, barely any conversation between the two of us.

 

I had a boyfriend once who did stuff like this to me all the time. It drove me insane. I felt so bad all the time, not appreciated and not loved. He didn't love me. He manipulated me. Every day. Turns out he was a bad abuser. First it was just emotional abuse and gas lighting. Then it became physical.

 

I think your girlfriend knew exactly what she did and now she pretends like it wasn't all that bad because she doesn't want to lose you. What an idiot. She deserves to be dumped. I mean it. I don't think she is worth it.