Girlfriend attracted to another guy in front of me

[umirano]

As I was reading this story, I was wondering why the OP didn't do exactly this. I have left women over lesser issues. I definitely would have left this girl behind. Total lack of respect.

 

Not only lack of respect. While that certainly is undesirable, a lack of respect isn't the decisive issue. The decisive issue is the absence of sufficient interest in the OP. Absence of real, romantic interest -> dump. Regardless of sex.

 

Yes, female posters display a lot of victim blaming recently on LS when men post on disrespectful behavior in their GFs. I wish it would stop. You are not helping. You increase suffering for these men, and probably for their GFs too.

[umirano]

OP, the night you describe happened to me 5 years ago, to a t. Our ages were 20 (f) and 27 (me), also after a few months of dating. I didn't dump her on the spot, but I should have.

 

Look, some young girls (social butterflies and pretty/sexual ones) get a lot more attention than they can handle, and they get used to it, so what you saw is almost guaranteed to happen. These girls are not evil to the core, but in no way do you have to put up with their toxicity and falseness.

 

The conversation with her that you described oozes of duplicity and her trying to really put the blame on you. She thinks you are clueless and it would really suit her because she hasn't secured the other guy yet. I don't think it's even a question whether or not you should dump her. But we all have to learn things, and usually we only learn through pain. I hope you find a short cut.

[CptInsano]

I've had relationship where the above behavior would have been fine, meaning that we both went out to socialize, and while she may have been talking with some guys I might have had a good time, too. But you have to be compatible and secure in that sense. And it is clear that you expect something different, even though you communicate it poorly or may have simply pouted.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know an easy fix for this, because if you are with a very extroverted and social person this may happen over and over again. (Which by no means implies that she will cheat on you.)

[umirano]

[...] to socialize, and while she may have been talking with some guys I might have had a good time, too. But you have to be compatible and secure in that sense.

I don't think the OP is talking about socializing and having a good time. Do you? Really?

 

[...]Which by no means implies that she will cheat on you.

Well... cheating never happens out of the blue. Opportunity and (erroneously assumed) implied consent, or lack of opposition from the original partner often nudge a cheater over the line.

 

The way you deal with a confirmed or potential cheater is to leave them. You do not try to engineer them out of their cheaty personality because it doesn't work.

[soyou]

I think your relationship has run its course. You should pack your shyt and leave. In order for her to be that OUT OF LINE and DISRESPECFUL, she must have NOT had that much respect and attraction toward you.

 

Not something I'm proud of but I'm going to share this with you. I did similar to what your GF did in the past when I was way younger.

 

Why I did that?

 

Because I was really NEVER fully attracted to my boyfriend at that time. I didn't feel adequate whenever we walked out together. I always felt that I was way better looking and I could date better looking guys than him.

[CptInsano]

I don't think the OP is talking about socializing and having a good time. Do you? Really?

 

Yes, absolutely. His girlfriend complimented somebody else and didn't pay her bf any attention during a night out. Some people are just fine with that, depending on their relationship. None of what happened to the OP would have bothered me much, but I'm not much of a jealous person to begin with.

 

That's why I see this mainly as a mismatch of expectations and a lack of communication.

[Imajerk17]

I am genuinely amazed at the responses of the women on this thread (many of whom I value as very good contributors on loveshack)

 

This girl was so far out of line it isn't funny. Totally and utterly emasculating.

And for her to claim she didn't know what she was doing, and didn't know why the OP is upset is laughable.

 

I would have left the bar and found someone else, never mind going to some strangers house to humour my girlfriend's flirting fantasies.

 

I do agree with one part of what they are saying - OP staying silent during this and fuming is the wrong course of action. You should have left her there and told her why. Not in an angry sulking way, but as a simple matter of fact explanation of why you wont put up wth that BS.

 

I agree and I agree, @joseb. I love you ladies here but my jaw dropped reading some of your responses. Her actions were extremely disrespectful. Checking this guy out is one thing, but going off alone w him? All this playing out in front of OP *and* her friends? Wow.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she and Hawt Guy exchanged contact info.

 

I wonder what the reaction would have been if the genders were reversed--a GUY trying too hard to be "buddies" w some attractive woman he just met, going off alone w her even, right in front of his girlfriend as he leaves her w his friends.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Imajerk17

[smackie9]

I can see it looking she wanted to feel her worth by getting you jealous, but we will never truly know because she won't admit to anything. You know in your gut, she will not come clean as to why she did this.

 

IMO you need to end the relationship. She could have communicated to you, that she didn't feel valued or felt the attention from you has died down, or whatever. Instead she played hurtful games. Not kool.

[OnlyHonesty]

I see ''open relationship'' mentioned in some of the responses here. If that is the case then this entire thread is pretty much a joke. Is it an open relationship or not?

[kvb92]

I see ''open relationship'' mentioned in some of the responses here. If that is the case then this entire thread is pretty much a joke. Is it an open relationship or not?

No .

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am genuinely amazed at the responses of the women on this thread (many of whom I value as very good contributors on loveshack)

 

I agree and I agree, @joseb. I love you ladies here but my jaw dropped reading some of your responses. Her actions were extremely disrespectful. Checking this guy out is one thing, but going off alone w him? All this playing out in front of OP *and* her friends? Wow.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she and Hawt Guy exchanged contact info.

I wonder what the reaction would have been if the genders were reversed--a GUY trying too hard to be "buddies" w some attractive woman he just met, going off alone w her even, right in front of his girlfriend as he leaves her w his friends.

 

Post#38 called it like a woman and at least one other female agreed with the post.

[umirano]

I see ''open relationship'' mentioned in some of the responses here. If that is the case then this entire thread is pretty much a joke. Is it an open relationship or not?

 

They apparently thought this

 

I check girls out and she checks guys out. No big deal.

 

qualifies it as an open relationship. I have my doubts that the OP saw it as such and I'm surprised that anyone else would, for that matter.

 

His girlfriend complimented somebody else and didn't pay her bf any attention during a night out

 

And when called out on it "apologized" for him having "misunderstood her". Kafkaesque, in my opinion...

 

Some people are just fine with that, depending on their relationship.

 

Each to their own...

 

That's why I see this mainly as a mismatch of expectations and a lack of communication.

Couldn't disagree more. There's no lack of communication. There's duplicitous gas lighting-type communication on her part.

[CptInsano]

Couldn't disagree more. There's no lack of communication. There's duplicitous gas lighting-type communication on her part.

 

I can see only games and no communication. She eggs him on, and he pouts waiting for her to realize how hurt he is. Communication would mean her saying that she wishes him to pay more attention, or whatever it is she wants, and him letting her know that he gets jealous in these situations.

 

But seriously, I simply would have told her to watch out and left it at that, as jealousy is a completely useless emotion, no matter how you look at it.

Edited October 11, 2017 by CptInsano

[umirano]

They have talked. They do communicate. I don't think it's unheard of that someone who is upset takes a couple of hours to find the right words to bring up whatever upset him or her. I think it's completely normal to not be able to bring it up right in the moment, when you are completely dumbfounded by a partners behavior. Yes, from our comfortable position as observers it would have been much smarter to bring it up immediately. That is, however, not how it works in the real world. People need time to understand what's happening and then they need to formulate their thoughts. Also, understanding what's going on immediately is greatly helped by having experienced the situation before. I probably now would react immediately. I didn't five years ago, when I was as clueless as the OP.

[CptInsano]

They have talked. They do communicate. I don't think it's unheard of that someone who is upset takes a couple of hours to find the right words to bring up whatever upset him or her. I think it's completely normal to not be able to bring it up right in the moment, when you are completely dumbfounded by a partners behavior. Yes, from our comfortable position as observers it would have been much smarter to bring it up immediately. That is, however, not how it works in the real world. People need time to understand what's happening and then they need to formulate their thoughts. Also, understanding what's going on immediately is greatly helped by having experienced the situation before. I probably now would react immediately. I didn't five years ago, when I was as clueless as the OP.

 

It also took my first relationship to get over that behavior, yet there really is no substitute for addressing things immediately and directly, as well as turning expectations into negotiations of what the other side is willing and able to provide.

 

It truly is just a negotiation in the end, not a question of who is right or wrong, or whether something s disrespectful or not.

 

And yes, this also works in reality. I find that confronting somebody, even if it causes a fight, is far less destructive than pulling back and giving into resentment. You need to stop it before too much damage is done.

Edited October 11, 2017 by CptInsano

[kvb92]

I told her I needed time and space. There's a good chance we don't ever get back together again because our trust is shattered, but I left the window open just in case. Good idea?

 

In the meantime, I'm now considering myself single and open to other people's advances.

[CptInsano]

I told her I needed time and space. There's a good chance we don't ever get back together again because our trust is shattered, but I left the window open just in case. Good idea?

 

If you cannot trust her, no matter what the reasons are, there is no need to stay together.

[kvb92]

If you cannot trust her, no matter what the reasons are, there is no need to stay together.

I know your right deep down, but it's hard to pull the plug.

 

I talked with my mom about it today and she said my father did the same thing to her once, and they broke up for a week before getting back together. Been married ever since. It gave me a slight glimmer of hope, but it's not promising.

[LivingWaterPlease]

kvb92, from what you've posted here seems to me closing the window on her would be a wise move. However, I do understand when you're in a relationship with a person and the R goes sour sometimes it takes a little time to emotionally process what you know to be true intellectually. Possibly that's the reason you're, at this time, leaving "the window open just in case" and it's understandable to me.

 

Again, I am so sorry you're going through this! From your posts you seem like a great guy and possibly also fairly young. Did you post your and your exgf's ages earlier? Can't recall.

 

It's never an easy thing to break up with a person but the more life experience one gets the more one realizes that certain factors in a person that contribute to an unhealthy relationship won't be solved by a few "talks."

 

Imo, when a couple is married and especially when children are involved it seems wise to work with a person you've discovered has character flaws, if possible, to find help for the person to grow into a better individual if they're willing. But, when you've been dating for a short time and find such blatant character flaws as those which seemed to contribute to the way she treated you it seems to me to be best to cut your losses!

Edited October 11, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[d0nnivain]

She may very well be one of those women who behave like this to provoke a jealousy reaction. Some women do this. It's manipulative game playing IMO but it does happen.

 

 

When she said she did not have "feelings" for this guy, I actually believe her. To most women "feelings" are love, a desire to date & spend time with. Many women do not categorize lust or attention seeking / ego boosts as "feelings". So to that extent I think she didn't have feelings. Those semantics aside, her behavior was still wrong.

 

 

She has apologized for the "misunderstanding." You are not satisfied with her apology & want her to apologize for disrespecting you. I doubt you are ever going to get that apology.

 

 

You said you pulled the plug & now consider yourself single. Based upon some story your mom told you about her relationship with your dad you are leaving the door open & holding out hope. My Q is hope for what? Do you actually think your EX-GF is going to come back & tell you what you want to hear that she intentionally flirted with that guy right in front of you? I doubt her ego will let her do that. Moreover, you said that you need space. That is such a vague thing to say. How the <bleep> is she supposed to know you have had enough time to think?

 

 

Just be done, if in fact you are done.

 

 

If you do reconcile, if she ever does this again, you better walk away & not look back. Once may be a misunderstanding. Anymore & it's deliberate.

[krakakos]

Sometimes women (especially the hot ones) do that kind of stuff. They like attention and they want to make you jealous. And they may act like they didn't realize how disrespectful it was, but trust me, they know what they're doing, they're not stupid.

 

So I would ignore her for a little while, and then I would give her a second chance, but I would be clear that I wouldn't tolerate such behaviour. In other words, you handled it fine.

[kvb92]

kvb92, from what you've posted here seems to me closing the window on her would be a wise move. However, I do understand when you're in a relationship with a person and the R goes sour sometimes it takes a little time to emotionally process what you know to be true intellectually. Possibly that's the reason you're, at this time, leaving "the window open just in case" and it's understandable to me.

 

Again, I am so sorry you're going through this! From your posts you seem like a great guy and possibly also fairly young. Did you post your and your exgf's ages earlier? Can't recall.

 

It's never an easy thing to break up with a person but the more life experience one gets the more one realizes that certain factors in a person that contribute to an unhealthy relationship won't be solved by a few "talks."

 

Imo, when a couple is married and especially when children are involved it seems wise to work with a person you've discovered has character flaws, if possible, to find help for the person to grow into a better individual if they're willing. But, when you've been dating for a short time and find such blatant character flaws as those which seemed to contribute to the way she treated you it seems to me to be best to cut your losses!

You've given some of the best advice in this thread, thanks LivingWaterPlease. You've been like my subconscious telling me what I don't want to hear.

 

I'm 25 and she's 23. We're both a bit short on dating experience, though I have more than she does.

 

It's kind of stunning to me how something like this can end the blink of an eye though. This is a girl who I traveled across the country with, who said she loved me many, many times, who wanted us to get a dog or a cat together. I was afraid to make those sorts of commitments because of something exactly like this. Granted it was only 8 months, but I was seriously blindsided by this behavior. I was shocked at how swept up in the moment she got.

 

I know I should break it off. A small part of me hopes she isn't the person I now think she is. Also it's funny that her friend and I always hit it off better than her and I did, a small part of me wonders what could've been if not for the way reality played out. Also she's probably trashing my name to all her friends right now

 

 

She may very well be one of those women who behave like this to provoke a jealousy reaction. Some women do this. It's manipulative game playing IMO but it does happen.

 

 

When she said she did not have "feelings" for this guy, I actually believe her. To most women "feelings" are love, a desire to date & spend time with. Many women do not categorize lust or attention seeking / ego boosts as "feelings". So to that extent I think she didn't have feelings. Those semantics aside, her behavior was still wrong.

 

I don't think it was a jealousy angle. If it was, I would feel much better about things and myself. That night lacked the accompanying approval seeking, looking over her shoulder that comes with trying to make a guy jealous. It's perhaps better stated as she basically forgot about me that night. Forgot about my existence. That's far harsher than trying to make me jealous, which would've shown she gave a **** about our relationship and my feelings.

 

I think she was attempting to monkey branch from one guy to another, and the only reason she's scared of losing me now is because she didn't successfully monkey branch. I could be wrong, but that is the conclusion I've come away with. Or a point could've come in the night where she lost her feelings for him, but the fact remains that she was on the prowl until that point occurred.

 

 

She has apologized for the "misunderstanding." You are not satisfied with her apology & want her to apologize for disrespecting you. I doubt you are ever going to get that apology.

 

 

You said you pulled the plug & now consider yourself single. Based upon some story your mom told you about her relationship with your dad you are leaving the door open & holding out hope. My Q is hope for what? Do you actually think your EX-GF is going to come back & tell you what you want to hear that she intentionally flirted with that guy right in front of you? I doubt her ego will let her do that. Moreover, you said that you need space. That is such a vague thing to say. How the <bleep> is she supposed to know you have had enough time to think?

 

 

Just be done, if in fact you are done.

I don't know what I'm waiting for. It's a process thing. She'll know I've had enough time to think because I'll contact her presumably.

 

The thing that scares me is she is like my whole social life right now. To lose her would to be completely and utterly alone. It's making this decision even more gut wrenching.

 

 

If you do reconcile, if she ever does this again, you better walk away & not look back. Once may be a misunderstanding. Anymore & it's deliberate.

Absolutely. And that's a very big "if".

 

Don't think it was 'deliberate', I think it was a 'swept up in the moment' thing.

[d0nnivain]

If she is your whole social life, once she's gone you will have lots of time to build a healthier & wider circle. Look at it as an opportunity.

[knabe]

She's apologized a few times. The problem is that she's apologizing that I "misunderstood her interactions" with the guy. I need her to be honest about something being there, cause it allows us to have an open conversation so that it doesn't happen again, to either of us.

 

If she maintains that it was just friendly, then we're never gonna be able to be honest and we're finished.

 

That would do it for me. I don't do "I'm sorry YOU were hurt" lame apologies. That basically saying "I'm sorry YOU have such a problem." It is an undeniable sign that someone will not take responsibility.

 

I don't think she was at all planning to cheat, and there's nothing wrong with friendly banter...but no actual woman is naive enough NOT to know when they are flirting, and she was.

[olivetree]

Sometimes women (especially the hot ones) do that kind of stuff. They like attention and they want to make you jealous. And they may act like they didn't realize how disrespectful it was, but trust me, they know what they're doing, they're not stupid.

 

So I would ignore her for a little while, and then I would give her a second chance, but I would be clear that I wouldn't tolerate such behaviour. In other words, you handled it fine.

 

I used to flirt a lot when I was younger.

It's a combo of getting a lot of attention, enjoying that external validation, having poor boundaries and being selfish.

The thing is, I didn't realize how disrespectful it was / how awful it felt to be on the receiving end till I had it done to me, even though I'm pretty empathetic.

 

Assuming you two are young as well, it will probably take some growing up or being on the receiving end of such treatment for her to learn boundaries, find her confidence elsewhere and put her selfishness aside.