Third wheel on second date.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Looks as if I'm the only one on here who thinks it's cool she felt free to invite her Czech friend! To me, it means she was impressed with you and wanted her friend to hear/see you play, plus wanted to affirm you by accepting any invitation you may offer.

 

Also, imo, it was a great opportunity for the two of you to get to know each other by being included in the other's "world" of friendships, since you both brought someone.

 

I dated a guy (longterm) who had a public career and it was a little lonely watching him do his thing when I was alone. I much preferred taking someone with me.

 

Also, seems to me that the two of you are moving smoothly along in your early R. I like that she suggested the two of you hanging out when you can arrange it. Sometimes when you can't nail down an exact date, just hearing someone is looking forward to spending time with you in the future is affirming and that in itself subtlely advances the R.

Edited October 8, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Mike B.]

I think bragging gets a bad shake a lot of time. It's harmless and often entertaining but, on the other hand, I grew up in a neighborhood of relentless trashtalkers (myself included) but it was often hilarious. Either way, we are all here to learn and help each other out. The lessons often comes in many different forms but if we read carefully, there are always good takeaway points.

[Versacehottie]

I think bragging gets a bad shake a lot of time. It's harmless and often entertaining but, on the other hand, I grew up in a neighborhood of relentless trashtalkers (myself included) but it was often hilarious. Either way, we are all here to learn and help each other out. The lessons often comes in many different forms but if we read carefully, there are always good takeaway points.

 

yes agreed, including the part where you say that we are here to help each other out. After a multitude of these type of threads from the OP, where he seems most intent on showing he has a rock and roll, somewhat decadent lifestyle and is magnetically attractive to women and speaks about them in a certain way, well I do think if you read between the lines he would like a gf somewhat--and well he is still posting on here so that means something about him at least being curious--AND none of the girls he posts about become gf's. So maybe there is a takeaway from this for him. If I was being a good friend & allowed to be honest, I would say what I've said to him on this thread, including the part that maybe he doesn't know women as well as he thinks & is acting a bit fake if he comes across with them the same as he comes across on his threads. I think the diary aspect is important since I get the vibe that he needs to come out on top in telling his stories--such as he bought everyone dinner or whatever he said about paying for everyone earlier in this thread--does that have any relevance to this story or his question? No, not really. Just another opportunity to show that he's the hero, etc and so on. If he communicates with the people who are in his real life in a similar way to the way he has here with us, to a significant portion it is going to be a turn off. He might think he is showing off the best part of himself but to some he is overcompensating for some insecurities, which ironically exposes them.

 

And if you come from a neighborhood where people trash talk, you know calling them out is part of the process It does seem like it's going well with this girl so hopefully that will work out.

[CryForNoOne]

yes agreed, including the part where you say that we are here to help each other out. After a multitude of these type of threads from the OP, where he seems most intent on showing he has a rock and roll, somewhat decadent lifestyle and is magnetically attractive to women and speaks about them in a certain way, well I do think if you read between the lines he would like a gf somewhat--and well he is still posting on here so that means something about him at least being curious--AND none of the girls he posts about become gf's. So maybe there is a takeaway from this for him. If I was being a good friend & allowed to be honest, I would say what I've said to him on this thread, including the part that maybe he doesn't know women as well as he thinks & is acting a bit fake if he comes across with them the same as he comes across on his threads. I think the diary aspect is important since I get the vibe that he needs to come out on top in telling his stories--such as he bought everyone dinner or whatever he said about paying for everyone earlier in this thread--does that have any relevance to this story or his question? No, not really. Just another opportunity to show that he's the hero, etc and so on. If he communicates with the people who are in his real life in a similar way to the way he has here with us, to a significant portion it is going to be a turn off. He might think he is showing off the best part of himself but to some he is overcompensating for some insecurities, which ironically exposes them.

 

And if you come from a neighborhood where people trash talk, you know calling them out is part of the process It does seem like it's going well with this girl so hopefully that will work out.

 

I appreciate the feedback. I may not agree with it but I really do appreciate it. I think you're putting together little tidbits from this and my other threads and jumping to conclusions. Which is fine. Some things you have nailed and others, you are way off. I was in 3 LTRs spanning 22 years and have only been single since April 2016. I haven't been single since college. So I know how to get a girlfriend - or at least I used to. I have no problem attracting women, getting dates, and bedding them. The problem is getting past just sleeping together to having a real relationship. Most of the women I've dated in the past year and a half, I haven't been interested in after 1 or 2 dates. There have been exactly three I wanted to make my GF. All three I slept with on the first date. Things were intense for a few weeks then I make some gesture to suggest that I want them to be my GF and they dump me. It seems in all three cases they just wanted to hookup with that rock star image you seem to suggest I'm so obviously projecting. But the instant I talk about going to the movies or some traditional couples thing, they run away. Meanwhile, I have tons of women in orbit who want to date me or be my GF but I'm not interested in them. There really is no embellishment in my threads. Those girls may stroke my ego, and I'm sure that's partly why I keep them around, but it doesn't make me ANY happier at the end of the day.

 

These are all 3 threads about the women I wanted to make a GF and all three dumped me...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/588016-dumped-after-being-asked-out-her

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/590941-slow-fade

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/634995-new-love-interest-got-back-together-ex

 

I know I'm not the guy I seem to project I am. I do it subconsciously because it works and does attract women. It probably attracts the wrong type though. Also unlike most men, I'm more likely to want to see a woman again AFTER I sleep with her. And I think the ones that are willing to hookup on the first date aren't looking for an LTR. Whereas I am. So I've seriously contemplated changing things up and not trying to sleep with them so quickly because it's led to disastrous results in the end. Maybe I should be pursuing the ones that aren't so eager to hookup...

 

P.S. Not to nitpik but never I paid for everyone, nor did I say I did on this thread. Not sure where you got that from. The only thing I specifically said was that there was NO WAY I was going to pay for everyone...

[CryForNoOne]

Quick update. She texted me today that her Czech friend is leaving for SD tomorrow so she's free to hang out Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven't replied yet. Par for the course for my incredibly f**ked up love life, my ex just called me today sobbing and wants to see me. Even though we've reconciled and broken up more times than I can count, I keep holding out hope because we have a daughter. So I'm taking the train out to have dinner with her and my daughter. But I have to spend the night as the trains stop running after 9PM...

[Versacehottie]

I appreciate the feedback. I may not agree with it but I really do appreciate it. I think you're putting together little tidbits from this and my other threads and jumping to conclusions. Which is fine. Some things you have nailed and others, you are way off. I was in 3 LTRs spanning 22 years and have only been single since April 2016. I haven't been single since college. So I know how to get a girlfriend - or at least I used to. I have no problem attracting women, getting dates, and bedding them. The problem is getting past just sleeping together to having a real relationship. Most of the women I've dated in the past year and a half, I haven't been interested in after 1 or 2 dates. There have been exactly three I wanted to make my GF. All three I slept with on the first date. Things were intense for a few weeks then I make some gesture to suggest that I want them to be my GF and they dump me. It seems in all three cases they just wanted to hookup with that rock star image you seem to suggest I'm so obviously projecting. But the instant I talk about going to the movies or some traditional couples thing, they run away. Meanwhile, I have tons of women in orbit who want to date me or be my GF but I'm not interested in them. There really is no embellishment in my threads. Those girls may stroke my ego, and I'm sure that's partly why I keep them around, but it doesn't make me ANY happier at the end of the day.

 

These are all 3 threads about the women I wanted to make a GF and all three dumped me...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/588016-dumped-after-being-asked-out-her

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/590941-slow-fade

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/634995-new-love-interest-got-back-together-ex

 

I know I'm not the guy I seem to project I am. I do it subconsciously because it works and does attract women. It probably attracts the wrong type though. Also unlike most men, I'm more likely to want to see a woman again AFTER I sleep with her. And I think the ones that are willing to hookup on the first date aren't looking for an LTR. Whereas I am. So I've seriously contemplated changing things up and not trying to sleep with them so quickly because it's led to disastrous results in the end. Maybe I should be pursuing the ones that aren't so eager to hookup...

 

P.S. Not to nitpik but never I paid for everyone, nor did I say I did on this thread. Not sure where you got that from. The only thing I specifically said was that there was NO WAY I was going to pay for everyone...

 

to, the bolded, I will have to go back and re-read where I got that from--usually I think my reading comprehension is very good but obviously not regarding this.

 

I appreciate you taking the feedback--even if you don't agree with it. Idk, if someone told me something they noticed about me even if I didn't think it was true, it might open my eyes to how other people are perceiving me and maybe you can get your real message of who you are and what you want across in a more clear way.

 

*yes to not sleeping with girls right away if you are trying to be more relationship-oriented. It's probably a many layered reasoning but one thing that might stand out is that someone who sleeps with you right away might be more spontaneous in nature and not really thinking of what they want in the future. Therefore, it may indicate a closeness and where you think you are headed down the right path with someone when it means nothing of the sort. A less stable beginning vs a more stable "base" on which a good relationship can be built.

 

*Also let's assume an in-the-spotlight type aura around you, for the band reason of whatever level. Same as famous or rich guys have to worry about all the time (or popular), the person might be interested for the wrong reasons--they are not considering "you" but what they can get from you, what shine they can take. Wrong reasons and will not fulfill you and always have you second-guessing their intentions.

 

*Here's an idea: if you want someone to like you for you, maybe don't emphasize the band thing. (you DO do that, I think we can both admit). Don't invite them to your shows--you want them to like you not idolize you or be a "fan". Also if that is the foot you lead with, it will play a large role in the decisions someone makes about you, for good reasons and incorrect or bad ones. A lot of cool, savvy girls, girlfriend-types, don't really want anything to do with a guy in a band--because they know what it means and maybe they've done it before. So if you make it a huge part of your "story" to other people, the first few times you are meeting, hanging out, it will color your results and their reasons.

 

*Another idea: is that fair enough, the band thing IS who you are, so then if you are meeting girls more through those type of bars and places (more on eastside, hollywood, in that scene more--not only for your own stuff but other people's), you run a greater chance of finding some girl who shares the same interests truly & maybe has been exposed and hung out with more guys in bands thus less impressed and more genuinely interested in you. You will have to have you b.s meter on high but I'm sure you can do it.

 

I think you have what happens to a lot of guys--you have short-term success with girls and it keeps you momentarily satisfied and thinking things are fine, even great, most of the time due to the attention. But then you realize all this makes you feel is empty and you are missing out on finding a really special person and long-term success with someone who makes you feel great. Maybe that is one reason why you go back and forth with your ex, between what you get from other girls short term and feeling something deeper for her you feel momentarily sustained--until you wake up and you realize you don't. (new girl seems normal and potentially very good).

 

I will have to go back and read your three attached threads (i've seen several from you but i don't know which are which now). If i was being fair, when you have described whatever situation, you seem to have a fair amount of intensity yourself at the very beginning of liking some girl--and maybe also from each of the girls. IME, those things are not really reality based and the self-created intensity, is just to make you feel like it's exciting and then it burns out fast. (like debating whether some waitress has a bf but there is really something between you two etc--it's a little burns bright, and fades fast as you've described your feelings about certain girls along the way--maybe that is part of the problem). I know guys that were like that with me, and it always rang false to me & i couldn't take them seriously---and yes i do think that it comes more naturally to guys in certain creative fields.

 

Maybe I will go back and point out some of the things you've said that seem like you embellish or are bragging or even more accurately since you say you are not doing those things, then emphasizing certain aspects of your life that don't further your quest to be seen as the way you are inside and only the outside shell? Ok, well it could be helpful. Good luck

[LovelyRose]

to, the bolded, I will have to go back and re-read where I got that from--usually I think my reading comprehension is very good but obviously not regarding this.

 

I appreciate you taking the feedback--even if you don't agree with it. Idk, if someone told me something they noticed about me even if I didn't think it was true, it might open my eyes to how other people are perceiving me and maybe you can get your real message of who you are and what you want across in a more clear way.

 

*yes to not sleeping with girls right away if you are trying to be more relationship-oriented. It's probably a many layered reasoning but one thing that might stand out is that someone who sleeps with you right away might be more spontaneous in nature and not really thinking of what they want in the future. Therefore, it may indicate a closeness and where you think you are headed down the right path with someone when it means nothing of the sort. A less stable beginning vs a more stable "base" on which a good relationship can be built.

 

*Also let's assume an in-the-spotlight type aura around you, for the band reason of whatever level. Same as famous or rich guys have to worry about all the time (or popular), the person might be interested for the wrong reasons--they are not considering "you" but what they can get from you, what shine they can take. Wrong reasons and will not fulfill you and always have you second-guessing their intentions.

 

*Here's an idea: if you want someone to like you for you, maybe don't emphasize the band thing. (you DO do that, I think we can both admit). Don't invite them to your shows--you want them to like you not idolize you or be a "fan". Also if that is the foot you lead with, it will play a large role in the decisions someone makes about you, for good reasons and incorrect or bad ones. A lot of cool, savvy girls, girlfriend-types, don't really want anything to do with a guy in a band--because they know what it means and maybe they've done it before. So if you make it a huge part of your "story" to other people, the first few times you are meeting, hanging out, it will color your results and their reasons.

 

*Another idea: is that fair enough, the band thing IS who you are, so then if you are meeting girls more through those type of bars and places (more on eastside, hollywood, in that scene more--not only for your own stuff but other people's), you run a greater chance of finding some girl who shares the same interests truly & maybe has been exposed and hung out with more guys in bands thus less impressed and more genuinely interested in you. You will have to have you b.s meter on high but I'm sure you can do it.

 

I think you have what happens to a lot of guys--you have short-term success with girls and it keeps you momentarily satisfied and thinking things are fine, even great, most of the time due to the attention. But then you realize all this makes you feel is empty and you are missing out on finding a really special person and long-term success with someone who makes you feel great. Maybe that is one reason why you go back and forth with your ex, between what you get from other girls short term and feeling something deeper for her you feel momentarily sustained--until you wake up and you realize you don't. (new girl seems normal and potentially very good).

 

I will have to go back and read your three attached threads (i've seen several from you but i don't know which are which now). If i was being fair, when you have described whatever situation, you seem to have a fair amount of intensity yourself at the very beginning of liking some girl--and maybe also from each of the girls. IME, those things are not really reality based and the self-created intensity, is just to make you feel like it's exciting and then it burns out fast. (like debating whether some waitress has a bf but there is really something between you two etc--it's a little burns bright, and fades fast as you've described your feelings about certain girls along the way--maybe that is part of the problem). I know guys that were like that with me, and it always rang false to me & i couldn't take them seriously---and yes i do think that it comes more naturally to guys in certain creative fields.

 

Maybe I will go back and point out some of the things you've said that seem like you embellish or are bragging or even more accurately since you say you are not doing those things, then emphasizing certain aspects of your life that don't further your quest to be seen as the way you are inside and only the outside shell? Ok, well it could be helpful. Good luck

 

 

Hi,

 

Just to help you out, OP used the word "treated" when he gave us the update of his "second date."

 

He said, " i basically treated it as 4 friends going out to dinner."

 

Which translates to me that rather than be disappointed that it wasn't a date, he just looked at it as new friends having dinner together. I think he handled it pretty well.

 

I do agree that OP kind of sound like he has tendency to brag. Whatever floats your boat I guess, lol. Either way, we still learn from each other.

[Sara1989]

Quick update. She texted me today that her Czech friend is leaving for SD tomorrow so she's free to hang out Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven't replied yet. Par for the course for my incredibly f**ked up love life, my ex just called me today sobbing and wants to see me. Even though we've reconciled and broken up more times than I can count, I keep holding out hope because we have a daughter. So I'm taking the train out to have dinner with her and my daughter. But I have to spend the night as the trains stop running after 9PM...

 

Well well...why are you dating when you are obviously not over your ex? you are wasting these women time AND hurting their feelings.

[Versacehottie]

Hi,

 

Just to help you out, OP used the word "treated" when he gave us the update of his "second date."

 

He said, " i basically treated it as 4 friends going out to dinner."

 

Which translates to me that rather than be disappointed that it wasn't a date, he just looked at it as new friends having dinner together. I think he handled it pretty well.

 

I do agree that OP kind of sound like he has tendency to brag. Whatever floats your boat I guess, lol. Either way, we still learn from each other.

 

You are so right. I re-read it and was wrong with how I interpreted it--it totally means what you say above!! Sorry, Cry!

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

*Here's an idea: if you want someone to like you for you, maybe don't emphasize the band thing. (you DO do that, I think we can both admit). Don't invite them to your shows--you want them to like you not idolize you or be a "fan". Also if that is the foot you lead with, it will play a large role in the decisions someone makes about you, for good reasons and incorrect or bad ones. A lot of cool, savvy girls, girlfriend-types, don't really want anything to do with a guy in a band--because they know what it means and maybe they've done it before. So if you make it a huge part of your "story" to other people, the first few times you are meeting, hanging out, it will color your results and their reasons.

 

 

I don't get the above bolded. The engineer thing is far more impressive than the band thing to me, but why hide either? It's who he is. The band thing could be ski thing, or marathon/iron man thing. Or needle point thing, or crochet thing, or gardening thing, or choir thing. It's just something he does that he enjoys and doesn't seem to me to be a coolness thing. Dating someone who's in a band would actually be a deterrent to me for many reasons but that's a topic for another thread. Just don't understand equating mentioning he's in a band to bragging.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't get the above bolded. The engineer thing is far more impressive than the band thing to me, but why hide either? It's who he is. The band thing could be ski thing, or marathon/iron man thing. Or needle point thing, or crochet thing, or gardening thing, or choir thing. It's just something he does that he enjoys and doesn't seem to me to be a coolness thing. Dating someone who's in a band would actually be a deterrent to me for many reasons but that's a topic for another thread. Just don't understand equating mentioning he's in a band to bragging.

 

I agree. I think he should say he's in a band because it's a deal breaker to some. Many will find you more attractive . List all your hobbies and be proud of them. They're part of what makes you who you are

Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Versacehottie]

I don't get the above bolded. The engineer thing is far more impressive than the band thing to me, but why hide either? It's who he is. The band thing could be ski thing, or marathon/iron man thing. Or needle point thing, or crochet thing, or gardening thing, or choir thing. It's just something he does that he enjoys and doesn't seem to me to be a coolness thing. Dating someone who's in a band would actually be a deterrent to me for many reasons but that's a topic for another thread. Just don't understand equating mentioning he's in a band to bragging.

 

Well i don't think it's the mere fact that he is stating that he is in a band is bragging--not at all, that is just a fact. The "how" of what he says, at least in his threads, comes off as bragging sometimes. Don't think it's just to me--but I can highlight some examples as they come up or back to the original post on this--also as i said, it has been worse on his other threads.

 

I definitely wouldn't advise not being himself. My saying not to emphasize it was in reference to him attracting the wrong type of girls. Less bragging would help overall but wasn't in reference to that advice. In fact, my next point was that if he felt it was essential to his being then he should hang out in the ACTUAL music scene. However I was responding to his statement about getting dumped and not meeting the right girls and them not understanding him in total. If you want people to understand you in total then don't always talk about being in a band. I can't think of one of his threads where it hasn't been brought up at some point by the OP & the band thing is relative, perhaps purporting more success then he actually has--which is transparent to perhaps the right music loving girls who would be good for him to date.

[Cookiesandough]

That makes sense Versace. It's a bad idea to brag, period. But is he bragging or just passionate about it? I think when people who are into music, performing it, it's a huge part of their identity. If OP is making/writing music and trying to make it, I think it'd be hard for him not to talk about it since it takes up 90% of his life.

 

 

My ex and over 1/2 the guys I've date are in bands. I've purposely tried to avoid them, but literally everyone and their cousin is in a band these days. So it's not really unique or special. Now If OP is in a famous band and has to tout that to get dates, I can see how he might be unhappy with his love life and something is wrong. But do people really equate being in a band with success ? Hard to believe because most people in bands aren't incredibly successful and need a day job. By talking about being in a band, you're more likely to attract people who like music or admire the ability to play an instrument or write lyrics which may be what he wants.

Edited October 11, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Versacehottie]

That makes sense Versace. It's a bad idea to brag, period. But is he bragging or just passionate about it? I think when people who are into music, performing it, it's a huge part of their identity. If OP is making/writing music and trying to make it, I think it'd be hard for him not to talk about it since it takes up 90% of his life.

 

 

My ex and over 1/2 the guys I've date are in bands. I've purposely tried to avoid them, but literally everyone and their cousin is in a band these days. So it's not really unique or special. Now If OP is in a famous band and has to tout that to get dates, I can see how he might be unhappy with his love life and something is wrong. But do people really equate being in a band with success ? Hard to believe because most people in bands aren't incredibly successful and need a day job. By talking about being in a band, you're more likely to attract people who like music or admire the ability to play an instrument or write lyrics which may be what he wants.

 

well, yes exactly. And it doesn't just pertain to him being in a band and lifestyle associated with it -- it's been a variety of things. And i agree that if it is essential to his being i.e. crucial part of who he is he should talk about music and try to meet girls in that scene, the real scene, which I've said several times---doing that on the westside might as well be in antarctica and equates it to a hobby, maybe one he loves but not the music scene. I think OP wants us to think girls like him bc he is in a band--which happens all the time in general to a small segment of girls--but then he both stating it like we would want it (which you clearly don't as an example) and he is still unsatisfied with his love life. Anyway, I feel like I am beating a dead horse trying to explain what I was saying and OP can take or leave what I said with a grain of salt--he seemed like he understood though he doesn't agree and doesn't think he is bragging so we can leave it there. Fair enough. And then I gave him suggestions of how he could get around his dilemma of not meeting the right girls & being dumped 3 times recently. That's good advice whether or not the guy brags--it should still bring him closer to meeting girls that he does remain together with.

 

If I get a chance on this thread to point out in his OP why it came off like bragging to me I will. Don't know if it's constructive at this point and feel like I don't want to derail his thread from his supposed dating dilemma of being the 3rd wheel or having a 3rd wheel on the date with the girl mentioned in this OP>