Mixed signals. Do I come on too strong?

[coolheadal]

Thanks guys, I hope so. I am not so sure if I worded it correctly. Do you think that I should text him now that I fall really fast and I miss him already? Or do you think that will come off clingy/he's uninterested. Those moments we shared seemed special. It hurts how you only see how much you liked someone and what you want when it's over. I'm so lonely. I'm thinking about unblocking and messaging that guy who isn't over his ex almost because I know he's sad like me. I guess I should stay calm, get a grip, and move forward right.

 

 

Edit: sry never mind that's the dumbest idea ever and just what he wants. It will never happen

 

My dear you are panicking over these dates. Never unblock a ex they are ex for a reason you blocked them for that reason. Are you ready for a long-tern relationship or do you feel like your not ready for anything right now? First you need to trust a guy, once you can trust them the next level will unfold for you. But your not getting to the next level with these guys you date right?

[Cookiesandough]

But...you and he went on only two dates

 

And this is the 3rd or 4th guy you've been so emotionally invested in, *this month*. [i think it is anyway. Please forgive me if I am wrong, it's really hard to keep track]

??

 

 

 

 

 

Cookies, I think that you actually want a relationship with someone but you're really scared of being hurt and you don't know how to maintain a connection once you find it.

 

I think you need to hit rock bottom where you're tired of these brief connections before you will be in touch with your desire for something lasting and are so tired of being lonely that you will be able to force yourself not to run away from someone that you really like and who is worth the discomfort.

 

Anyways, that is my hope for you, because love is a beautiful experience.

 

 

 

 

 

?

I think youre so right Al and Olive. I want a loving romantic relationship deep down but its so much work and fear it's not worth it and I won't be accepted. I realized that when I told him I needed to move on for a bit. I text him I would contact him next year and if he's moved on I understand but ill try. He text back "you are cryptic af" ...and that's it. The hours we shared together meant nothing. I just wonder sometimes if I'm incapable of being loved romantically. No idea why. Now I'm just stewing in self pity so I will stop... It's just hard to lose someone all over again. Imajerk is right. This is the 4th time I cried over a break off with a guy I dated a couple dates within the last month or two...I get attached too easy. I get feeling very fast...but I never told him. I guess this can be closed...This chapter is over...Thanks so much to everyone who even kind of suffered through it.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

I just realized the guy maybe did NOT understand what I was telling him at first. I'm not sure if it was miscommunication hence his dismissiveness. Maybe it wasn't

 

me: Sooooo, don't hate me pls. I have been really confused lately. I think it's my anxiety and pressure, and the last thing I want to do is mislead someone. I think need a break ��I'm going to have to cancel Monday. But I am hoping maybe stay in touch and meet up again and casually hang out in the future if you're around or interested at that point?

 

 

him: that's cool. That's how these things usually go. lol I'm glad you didn't try to force anything

 

me: Thanks, xxx

 

him: no problema, bonita. Take care of yourself.

 

me: So it is ok if we talk can meet up again in the future when things align?

 

him: lol yea sure, I like the way you worded that

 

me: what do you mean...

 

me: anyway, I'll let you get back to work or sleep now! thanks for understanding

 

him: You said your friend told you when we met the stars were aligned. But yeah, take it easy!

 

me: Okay! I'll hit you up next yr sometime? And you might be moved on by them, but what's the worst that can happen? I get turned down? lol.

 

me: have a great time in xxxxx.

 

-long pause-

 

him: you are cryptic AF

 

 

 

Anyway, its over until next year so thread can be closed. how awkward.d

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CoolJoe]

I just realized the guy maybe did NOT understand what I was telling him at first. I'm not sure if it was miscommunication hence his dismissiveness. Maybe it wasn't

 

me: Sooooo, don't hate me pls. I have been really confused lately. I think it's my anxiety and pressure, and the last thing I want to do is mislead someone. I think need a break ��I'm going to have to cancel Monday. But I am hoping maybe stay in touch and meet up again and casually hang out in the future if you're around or interested at that point?

 

 

him: that's cool. That's how these things usually go. lol I'm glad you didn't try to force anything

 

me: Thanks, xxx

 

him: no problema, bonita. Take care of yourself.

 

me: So it is ok if we talk can meet up again in the future when things align?

 

him: lol yea sure, I like the way you worded that

 

me: what do you mean...

 

me: anyway, I'll let you get back to work or sleep now! thanks for understanding

 

him: You said your friend told you when we met the stars were aligned. But yeah, take it easy!

 

me: Okay! I'll hit you up next yr sometime? And you might be moved on by them, but what's the worst that can happen? I get turned down? lol.

 

me: have a great time in xxxxx.

 

-long pause-

 

him: you are cryptic AF

 

 

 

Anyway, its over until next year so thread can be closed. how awkward.d

 

Cookie, to be honest the texting made me cringe a little bit. Especially the "hit you up next year sometime?" line. That is really vague, uninspiring and the rest of what you texted to me just comes off as self sabotage. I know it's early October and 2018 will be here before we know it but that's still at least 3 months away. Which is a long time in the dating world. And then you awkwardly inserted a line about "what's the worst that can happen -- I can get turned down? Lol" Totally unnecessary and his "you are cryptic AF" line is very fitting.

 

You seem to overanalyze. Might I suggest trying to get out of your own head and maybe even taking a break from sharing personal things on LS? For me, I found my current GF after FINALLY getting out of my head and seeing myself as a catch/good BF material. Maybe it's time you do the same?

 

Wish you the very best.

[Cookiesandough]

Cookie, to be honest the texting made me cringe a little bit. Especially the "hit you up next year sometime?" line. That is really vague, uninspiring and the rest of what you texted to me just comes off as self sabotage. I know it's early October and 2018 will be here before we know it but that's still at least 3 months away. Which is a long time in the dating world. And then you awkwardly inserted a line about "what's the worst that can happen -- I can get turned down? Lol" Totally unnecessary and his "you are cryptic AF" line is very fitting.

 

You seem to overanalyze. Might I suggest trying to get out of your own head and maybe even taking a break from sharing personal things on LS? For me, I found my current GF after FINALLY getting out of my head and seeing myself as a catch/good BF material. Maybe it's time you do the same?

 

Wish you the very best.

 

Thank you, joe. from a man's perspective, do you think when I said "casually meet up again in the future" he thought I meant the nearer future than next year? And when I said next year it was cringey?? Or the whole thing was cringey? Because I was telling the truth I needed a break and hes leaving til xmas. And I really believe if things are meant to be next yr we'll both be single. If not, so be it...more fish in the sea

 

 

Thank you so much. I will stop sharing personal things for awhile and just advise. I'm so glad to hear you found a great gf.

[GemmaUK]

You're definitely cryptic and confusing for sure!

 

Sounds like you say you want something serious but then you come across too as just wanting fun.

 

He put the positive tack on to being away - it's not that far.

 

Next year is only 3 months away so not long in the scheme of things.

 

You were talking about stars aligning - maybe if you had been clearer in what you meant rather than romanticise it?

As in, you don't want to see him or keep in touch while he is away but instead would prefer to date and get to know someone who is local, staying local so that dating is easier and can be more spontaneous.

 

Having said all that though if you have been crying over various guys all within a matter of weeks then it's probably best to take the advice of most and quit dating for a while and figure out what you want and succinct ways to express it rather than appearing to flip flop and be confusing.

There is no point in trying to change someone's mind and he is well aware of that - he was glad you didn't force it, put positives on things but ultimately it's your choice so came across as dismissive to you.

 

I hope he doesn't get a sore spot from scratching his head over this.

[Cookiesandough]

Thx Gemma. I never told him I wanted something serious!!. I don't say fun either. I tell each guy I meet I like being single and I want to casually date only. So I can't figure out how he came to that conclusion. I didn't say stars align either!!! I said if *things* align, like our situation, and he likened it to something my friend said about stars aligning.

 

I probably need to take a time out and think, , but when I break it off with someone I only cry for a few moments(right after it happens) and forget it a few hours to a day later. So it's not as bad as it sounds

 

It's kind of conflicting because you say that next year is NBD (which I thought so too) and someone else says that it's ridiculous to say and too long.:.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[TheTraveler]

Traveler!!! It's good to see you passing through again

Yeah it's only 2 dates, but if my past experience is any indicator, it is never a clean cut with men, even after one date. They don't even have to be that interested. I don't know if it's a male ego thing or what. It's part of the reason I get very anxious breaking things off even when I know I don't want to ever see them again ..let alone if I wanna keep that door open

 

Yes, it's good to see you alive and living Cookies

 

I think the "clean cut" is really choice, from my experience. I just know now after the 1st date. No reason to text, call, continue, what ifs, etc

 

If i'm not feeling it, i'm out immediately and onto the next. If that includes breaks of going solo for a bit(no dates lined up), so be it

[clia]

You seem to have no idea what you want.

 

In this thread (one week old) alone, you have said:

 

You don’t necessarily want to just hook up.

You are taking a break from dating.

You are ending it with this guy.

You don’t want just a hook-up.

You’ve thought about just going on one date and then blocking them.

You are going to date this guy for “research.”

You can’t see yourself with this guy long term.

You are disappointed this guy didn’t try to have sex with you.

You want to hook-up / have sex with this guy.

You just want to have fun with this guy.

You want a break from this guy.

You might want to see this guy again in 3 months.

You don’t want a relationship with this guy now or in the future.

You just want to go on dates with different men.

You break it off with this guy.

You miss this guy.

You want to connect with this guy again.

You are back on Tinder looking for other men.

You want to unblock and message another guy who is not over his ex.

 

…..

 

This is madness. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be free and single and date casually for awhile, but you aren’t acting like a girl who really wants to do that. If that was truly the case, you wouldn’t be repeatedly falling for these guys after one or two dates and – frankly – acting like a crazy person. This guy was right – you are cryptic – because you seem to have absolutely no handle on what you really want. Your messages to him were just bizarre and confusing.

 

I very much get the impression that you are primarily drawn to guys who aren’t showing a whole lot of interest in you. Hence why you are chasing and now missing this guy who barely made a move and is leaving for three months, and why you were so into the guy who wasn’t over his ex, and why you chased and chased after your own ex who had moved on to a new girlfriend, and there have been many other examples of this in your previous posts. Anytime a guy isn’t falling all over himself for you, you immediately jump into panic mode, and then next thing we all know, you’ve developed feelings for the guy. And in the meantime, the guy who did ask you to be his girlfriend (and you agreed) got dumped almost immediately after you agreed to be his girlfriend. (What was that, like a week ago?)

 

Your cycle, ever since you started posting here, is date-panic-dump-go back. Over and over again. Nothing has changed. You seriously need help. It would be one thing if you had valid reasons for dumping these guys, but you don’t even seem to know WHY you are dumping them. You just panic and dump and then reconsider, go back and the cycle starts all over again. You are never going to get anywhere if you keep doing the same thing over and over again.

 

As everyone else has, I would encourage you to take a break from dating, step back, and figure out what you actually want. Until you know that, you are going to continue to run around in circles and confuse the heck out of every guy you bring into your orbit. If you truly want nothing more than hookups, one and dones, and casual dates, that will be the easiest thing in the world for you to do. But honestly – I don’t think that’s what you want and that’s why you are having such difficulty.

[No_Go]

if my past experience is any indicator, it is never a clean cut with men, even after one date

 

I 100% agree with that. If a man ever agreed on a date with you (i.e. you're passing his treshold for physical attractiveness) - regardless of how the dating scenario goes, he'd sooner or later circle back around.

 

Now that I logged back online this year after 2 years off the site - same few guys messaged me. One I've been on a date with, another one I cancelled right before the date because I met my then-bf, and third one - a brother of a guy that I used to date. Unless they die - they circle back :lmao:

 

So no worries with this guy. Meet him when you're ready, it is good that he'll be away for a bit so you can collect your thoughts.

[Imajerk17]

 

I 100% agree with that. If a man ever agreed on a date with you (i.e. you're passing his treshold for physical attractiveness) - regardless of how the dating scenario goes, he'd sooner or later circle back around.

 

Now that I logged back online this year after 2 years off the site - same few guys messaged me. One I've been on a date with, another one I cancelled right before the date because I met my then-bf, and third one - a brother of a guy that I used to date. Unless they die - they circle back :lmao:

 

So no worries with this guy. Meet him when you're ready, it is good that he'll be away for a bit so you can collect your thoughts.

 

Well, no.

 

There is quite the possibility that this guy, if he is looking for something serious too, meets a girl whom he is attracted to but she also is in the right place mentally/emotionally, and they get into a relationship, putting him (happily) off the market.

 

I hate to break it to some of you, but our gender isn't all horndogs sniffing for a woman we find 'physically attractive enough' who will also give us the time of day.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Imajerk17

[No_Go]

Eh I highly doubt he'll get into a relationship considering his upcoming travels.

 

I think OP is fine with easing out for now. He's not going to 'escape'

 

Well, no.

 

There is quite the possibility that this guy meets a girl whom he is attracted to but she also is in the right place mentally/emotionally, and they get into a relationship, putting him (happily) off the market.

 

I hate to break it to some of you, but our gender isn't all horndogs sniffing for a woman we find 'physically attractive enough' who will also give us the time of day.

[olivetree]

You seem to have no idea what you want.

 

In this thread (one week old) alone, you have said:

 

You don’t necessarily want to just hook up.

You are taking a break from dating.

You are ending it with this guy.

You don’t want just a hook-up.

You’ve thought about just going on one date and then blocking them.

You are going to date this guy for “research.”

You can’t see yourself with this guy long term.

You are disappointed this guy didn’t try to have sex with you.

You want to hook-up / have sex with this guy.

You just want to have fun with this guy.

You want a break from this guy.

You might want to see this guy again in 3 months.

You don’t want a relationship with this guy now or in the future.

You just want to go on dates with different men.

You break it off with this guy.

You miss this guy.

You want to connect with this guy again.

You are back on Tinder looking for other men.

You want to unblock and message another guy who is not over his ex.

 

…..

 

This is madness. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be free and single and date casually for awhile, but you aren’t acting like a girl who really wants to do that. If that was truly the case, you wouldn’t be repeatedly falling for these guys after one or two dates and – frankly – acting like a crazy person. This guy was right – you are cryptic – because you seem to have absolutely no handle on what you really want. Your messages to him were just bizarre and confusing.

 

I very much get the impression that you are primarily drawn to guys who aren’t showing a whole lot of interest in you. Hence why you are chasing and now missing this guy who barely made a move and is leaving for three months, and why you were so into the guy who wasn’t over his ex, and why you chased and chased after your own ex who had moved on to a new girlfriend, and there have been many other examples of this in your previous posts. Anytime a guy isn’t falling all over himself for you, you immediately jump into panic mode, and then next thing we all know, you’ve developed feelings for the guy. And in the meantime, the guy who did ask you to be his girlfriend (and you agreed) got dumped almost immediately after you agreed to be his girlfriend. (What was that, like a week ago?)

 

Your cycle, ever since you started posting here, is date-panic-dump-go back. Over and over again. Nothing has changed. You seriously need help. It would be one thing if you had valid reasons for dumping these guys, but you don’t even seem to know WHY you are dumping them. You just panic and dump and then reconsider, go back and the cycle starts all over again. You are never going to get anywhere if you keep doing the same thing over and over again.

 

As everyone else has, I would encourage you to take a break from dating, step back, and figure out what you actually want. Until you know that, you are going to continue to run around in circles and confuse the heck out of every guy you bring into your orbit. If you truly want nothing more than hookups, one and dones, and casual dates, that will be the easiest thing in the world for you to do. But honestly – I don’t think that’s what you want and that’s why you are having such difficulty.

 

As I said earlier, it's pretty obvious to me that you want a real relationship and that you're afraid to get close to people, at least romantically.

 

It's safe to go after guys that don't come too close, especially at the start.

Getting close is uncomfortable, makes you feel vulnerable.

 

But once you really start to like them, if you feel they aren't showing enough interest, that is really uncomfortable too.

 

So you pull away and/or block them, tell yourself you don't really like them to regain some sense of power/safety and you've also learned this tends to increase their interest.

 

You then experience regret and loss.

 

Your back and forth behaviour reminds me of approach-avoidance conflict experiments with mice.

 

The key parts that you need to change if you ever want to be successful in dating is:

1) learning to discern if a guy is low interest or if things just aren't going exactly the way you want them and this is making you fearful

2) forcing yourself to not pull away when it is uncomfortable and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the only path to love and connection.

 

Cookies, when you sent that guy your message breaking things off, I couldn't help but notice that you took all of the vulnerability out that I suggested showing - saying you're afraid to get close to others and admitting that you lied.

 

So all he is left with IS a very cryptic message.

[olivetree]

Thx Gemma. It's kind of conflicting because you say that next year is NBD (which I thought so too) and someone else says that it's ridiculous to say and too long.:.

 

In case I'm that someone, it's because when you said this:

 

Hi olive,

You're right but Do you think it would be ok to maybe see each other again way in the future. Maybe next year.

 

It sounded like far into next year, not at the start of the year just after he would be back, like I had originally thought.

[Cookiesandough]

You seem to have no idea what you want.

 

In this thread (one week old) alone, you have said:

 

You don’t necessarily want to just hook up.

You are taking a break from dating.

You are ending it with this guy.

You don’t want just a hook-up.

You’ve thought about just going on one date and then blocking them.

You are going to date this guy for “research.”

You can’t see yourself with this guy long term.

You are disappointed this guy didn’t try to have sex with you.

You want to hook-up / have sex with this guy.

You just want to have fun with this guy.

You want a break from this guy.

You might want to see this guy again in 3 months.

You don’t want a relationship with this guy now or in the future.

You just want to go on dates with different men.

You break it off with this guy.

You miss this guy.

You want to connect with this guy again.

You are back on Tinder looking for other men.

You want to unblock and message another guy who is not over his ex.

 

…..

 

This is madness. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be free and single and date casually for awhile, but you aren’t acting like a girl who really wants to do that. If that was truly the case, you wouldn’t be repeatedly falling for these guys after one or two dates and – frankly – acting like a crazy person. This guy was right – you are cryptic – because you seem to have absolutely no handle on what you really want. Your messages to him were just bizarre and confusing.

 

I very much get the impression that you are primarily drawn to guys who aren’t showing a whole lot of interest in you. Hence why you are chasing and now missing this guy who barely made a move and is leaving for three months, and why you were so into the guy who wasn’t over his ex, and why you chased and chased after your own ex who had moved on to a new girlfriend, and there have been many other examples of this in your previous posts. Anytime a guy isn’t falling all over himself for you, you immediately jump into panic mode, and then next thing we all know, you’ve developed feelings for the guy. And in the meantime, the guy who did ask you to be his girlfriend (and you agreed) got dumped almost immediately after you agreed to be his girlfriend. (What was that, like a week ago?)

 

Your cycle, ever since you started posting here, is date-panic-dump-go back. Over and over again. Nothing has changed. You seriously need help. It would be one thing if you had valid reasons for dumping these guys, but you don’t even seem to know WHY you are dumping them. You just panic and dump and then reconsider, go back and the cycle starts all over again. You are never going to get anywhere if you keep doing the same thing over and over again.

 

As everyone else has, I would encourage you to take a break from dating, step back, and figure out what you actually want. Until you know that, you are going to continue to run around in circles and confuse the heck out of every guy you bring into your orbit. If you truly want nothing more than hookups, one and dones, and casual dates, that will be the easiest thing in the world for you to do. But honestly – I don’t think that’s what you want and that’s why you are having such difficulty.

 

this all makes sense clia but I can't agree with this statement. Perhaps your experience may be that way and I see it on here for many but not all people have it easy.

 

First I need to be attracted to the guy to want a hook up. I'm not attracted to the majority of men who come at me like that. Such as guys with swagger(I like awkward and shy)or cockiness. Those right there exclude 90% of guys for hookups.

 

 

I'm attracted physically to about 2% of the men I match with. That's totally fine because I live in a large city. (It used to be 1% but I'm getting more lax ). Guys seem to be getting very relationship oriented. Maybe hookups are getting too messy.I rarely if ever get a rude message online or irl.

 

Second, I can't flirt or get up to those steps to hookup because I'm not experienced so the guy has to lead. If the guy will not lead it won't go there...

 

------

Anyway, the rest makes a lot of sense. I like a challenge and see why guys chase girls who make them wait even if they aren't that into them. This is what happened with this guy.

 

 

This guy told me he wants an emotional connection before sex and after on our first date he said no hookups. That's when I started to fall for him. I got feelings on the first date!!!

 

I think what happens is that any little roadblock or incident that does not go my way, I get extremely discouraged eventually to the point of throwing in the towel

 

I have very high standards on how I want to be treated. Like you said, if a guy is not showing me interest consistently I get very annoyed. I think it's a health mindset coming from abundance and love of my freedom

 

I did make the suggestion to buy him dinner and he made hint to it as I left, but I felt resentful* I*had to ask him out immediately after (at this point, I already was done). Then he says next week, because he's writing and recording this week. So I told him Im gone for a month then, see ya. If you see in our text exchange, he then says "forget a busy schedule. I can squeeze you in Friday" (im paraphrasing)This made me absolutely livid. I was already planning my exit

 

What bull.

 

I thought our date went well. He intitiated a lot of kisses, tracing me, telling me he really likes me all blushing like. He told me I make him really nervous and he seemed like a mess but it was fetching. But I guess you never can tell can you...A great date : two sides to that story

 

 

I probably showed way too much interest by telling him he's the only guy I'm dating and offering to take him out. It just threw me off he lost interest like that.

 

I don't like to be thrown off.

 

This guy has been throwing me off since day 1 with his low interest, and slowly but surely, I just lost patience and snapped. I think I was exceptionally patient with this one. No way in hell im going to get sucked into a long distance, emotionally involved affair, but if the **stars align** when he decides he wants to quit playing games and lay down, maybe we can talk.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[amaysngrace]

You say you have "very high standards on how you want to be treated" but admit to wanting to be treated like just a piece of ass (hook ups only)

 

Makes no sense.

[Cookiesandough]

As I said earlier, it's pretty obvious to me that you want a real relationship and that you're afraid to get close to people, at least romantically.

 

It's safe to go after guys that don't come too close, especially at the start.

Getting close is uncomfortable, makes you feel vulnerable.

 

But once you really start to like them, if you feel they aren't showing enough interest, that is really uncomfortable too.

 

So you pull away and/or block them, tell yourself you don't really like them to regain some sense of power/safety and you've also learned this tends to increase their interest.

 

You then experience regret and loss.

 

Your back and forth behaviour reminds me of approach-avoidance conflict experiments with mice.

 

The key parts that you need to change if you ever want to be successful in dating is:

1) learning to discern if a guy is low interest or if things just aren't going exactly the way you want them and this is making you fearful

2) forcing yourself to not pull away when it is uncomfortable and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the only path to love and connection.

 

Cookies, when you sent that guy your message breaking things off, I couldn't help but notice that you took all of the vulnerability out that I suggested showing - saying you're afraid to get close to others and admitting that you lied.

 

So all he is left with IS a very cryptic message.

 

I think you are exactly right. I just made a post in response to Clia's and woth some introspection and came to this conclusion. You're really good!

 

. I think it comes from having been bullied. I'm very sensitive to not being wanted. On dates I would not order food because I thought the guy wasn't attracted to me. I kept telling the guy I would leave because he seems tired and he said he's enjoying himself and asked if I am projecting.

 

I think you are right I want to get close to someone because hookups sound good in theory but different if I actually tried. It's great because you don't have to worry about them contacting again, but it probably feels empty and like another loss. Thanks.

 

I just never got to have that experience [amaysn]... not everyone sees it as disrespectful if both parties agree it's just to have fun. I don't get what's so wrong with it.

[Cookiesandough]

if my past experience is any indicator, it is never a clean cut with men, even after one date

 

I 100% agree with that. If a man ever agreed on a date with you (i.e. you're passing his treshold for physical attractiveness) - regardless of how the dating scenario goes, he'd sooner or later circle back around.

 

Now that I logged back online this year after 2 years off the site - same few guys messaged me. One I've been on a date with, another one I cancelled right before the date because I met my then-bf, and third one - a brother of a guy that I used to date. Unless they die - they circle back :lmao:

 

So no worries with this guy. Meet him when you're ready, it is good that he'll be away for a bit so you can collect your thoughts.

 

Exactly!!! I'm glad I'm not the only one who notices this phenomena online. They always come back awhile later, even if you ended it. They circle. That's funny YEARS later they found you. , I'm pretty certain he'll be around, but after sleeping on it I'm kind of thinking to move on. I'm think I'm going to try to date guys a bit (not too much) older for a change.

[olivetree]

I have very high standards on how I want to be treated. Like you said, if a guy is not showing me interest consistently I get very annoyed. I think it's a health mindset coming from abundance and love of my freedom

 

It's good to have standards but I think you take it too far, because that piece is coming from fear, not abundance and love of your freedom.

 

It's funny when you post these threads, I see no loss of interest on the guys part, that's all in your head because you feel vulnerable/afraid.

 

Pulling away as a tactic to protect yourself and increase their interest only sets you further from the goal of achieving intimacy.

Then after they seem to chase you, you don't trust their interest because you think it was only achieved by playing games.

So it's lose-lose all around.

[amaysngrace]

I just never got to have that experience [amaysn]... not everyone sees it as disrespectful if both parties agree it's just to have fun. I don't get what's so wrong with it.

 

I agree there is nothing wrong with hooking up with random people you just met but to say you have high standards on how you want to be treated doesn't go along with that thinking.

 

You cannot expect someone you've just met or who only sees you as a lay to care if they're treating you right or not.

 

They're two opposing ideas entirely.

[clia]

this all makes sense clia but I can't agree with this statement. Perhaps your experience may be that way and I see it on here for many but not all people have it easy.

 

First I need to be attracted to the guy to want a hook up. I'm not attracted to the majority of men who come at me like that. Such as guys with swagger(I like awkward and shy)or cockiness. Those right there exclude 90% of guys for hookups.

 

I'm attracted physically to about 2% of the men I match with. That's totally fine because I live in a large city. (It used to be 1% but I'm getting more lax ). Guys seem to be getting very relationship oriented. Maybe hookups are getting too messy.I rarely if ever get a rude message online or irl.

 

Second, I can't flirt or get up to those steps to hookup because I'm not experienced so the guy has to lead. If the guy will not lead it won't go there...

 

Well, I'll take your word for it, but I honesty find it incredibly hard to believe that if you wrote in your profile that you were "just looking to hook-up" and/or "aren't looking for anything serious" that you wouldn't get at least a few responses from guys you find physically attractive. You are applying the same standards for a hook-up as you are for a relationship, so that will obviously make it a little more difficult.

 

As for the guy leading...you seem to be attracted to guys who are more beta, so that's going to be a tough one. You might have to learn to be more aggressive.

 

I have very high standards on how I want to be treated. Like you said, if a guy is not showing me interest consistently I get very annoyed. I think it's a health mindset coming from abundance and love of my freedom

 

To be honest, I think some of your expectations are fairly unreasonable to expect of a guy who you've been on one or two dates with.

 

I did make the suggestion to buy him dinner and he made hint to it as I left, but I felt resentful* I*had to ask him out immediately after (at this point, I already was done). Then he says next week, because he's writing and recording this week. So I told him Im gone for a month then, see ya. If you see in our text exchange, he then says "forget a busy schedule. I can squeeze you in Friday" (im paraphrasing)This made me absolutely livid. I was already planning my exit

 

You *didn't* have to ask him out immediately. You could've sat back and waited for him to ask you out. He would've. I maintain that this guy liked you and was interested and you jumped the gun with panic for no logical reason. He said he would squeeze you in only after you said you were going to be gone for a month. Prior to that, I'm sure he figured he could just see you next week. No big deal. This is a totally normal response and your anger that this guy who you've been on *two* dates with didn't want to immediately drop everything in his life (and change his plans) to see you is just way out line, IMO.

 

No way in hell im going to get sucked into a long distance, emotionally involved affair, but if the **stars align** when he decides he wants to quit playing games and lay down, maybe we can talk.

 

He's NOT the one playing games. You are.

 

And if you had no interest in long distance, then why did you continue to see him after he told you he was leaving?

[GuitarGuy7]

I am being extremely passive aggressive Gaeta because there's a lot of guys I could be having fun with and I am putting too much effort in for this one. I have been focusing on this guy too much and I don't even think I'll get any reward out of it,,, it will be like the other guy, just friend zoning me... I'm really not in the mood to put in the mental energy and postpone possible dates when the chance of a return is so small. He said

 

"Are you really going to be out of commission that long?" lol he doesn't even believe me but on the real I do not care

 

 

OP, have you ever been in a casual relationship with someone? Had casual sex?

 

You could just straight up tell him either you two are going to hookup, or you will find someone else.

[Cookiesandough]

Nay, I never have. It's too late. I told him I'll talk to him sometime next year if he's still around. Yeah, awkward. I know. Thanks.

[GuitarGuy7]

Nay, I never have. It's too late. I told him I'll talk to him sometime next year if he's still around. Yeah, awkward. I know. Thanks.

 

Well considering loads of guys on Tinder want sex, if you really want to get laid, i'm sure you won't have to wait too much longer lol. In fact, I bet you will find someone by the end of the year if you're open to it.

 

That's something women have an advantage over men in the dating world. It's so much easier for women to hookup. If they wanna get laid, they're getting laid.

[Cookiesandough]

That hasn't been my tinder experience. I am not specifically looking for a hook up, but if someone were to ask me if Tinder was good for hook ups I would say unequivocally no. It's become a serious relationship app although that was not its intended use

 

 

I am kind of selective though, which sucks. I guess it's easy for both genders on avg to get laid if they drop their standards far enough. Not many want to do that though

Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough