7 year affair over

[Overtaxed]

..they aaalways come back.

 

7 years is a long time. You don't quit that after one big fight. Right now, reality has just slapped him across the face. He is confused, scared, and his mind is all over the place. That does not justify the way he treated or spoke to you.

 

When he comes back, because he will, you need to either ignore him OR tell him you are done with the BS- if he wants you in his life, he will do what he needs to do (and it won't take no damn 7 years, come on!).

 

For your sake, I hope you are right and that he won't come back but I am almost 100% sure that he will. Maybe not tomorrow but he will be back. If my MM came back after me talking to his wife, yours will definitely be back. Good luck!

 

 

I do own a farm, and I will bet it that this poster is right. He will be back. And he'll have a "good" reason he went NC. And, if you let him back in, you'll be right back where you were when this ended. Right back.

 

This man will literally steal your entire life from you if you let him. You'll be the OW to him for as long as he can keep you, and then, when you finally leave, he'll just move on to a new, more naive and younger version of you.

 

You just don't understand how men like this operate, you really don't. In his eyes, having sex with you is "doing you a favor". You should be happy that he'll do that for you, because, as a guy, that's how he feels. Feelings? Emotions? Love? None of that enters into the equation, he says those things to keep the sex flowing, of course, because he knows girls like to hear it. But he doesn't even feel, deep down, like he's doing anything wrong (because nobody could do that for 7 years if they did).

 

You will wake up, if you let this continue, in another 7 years and realize that all your friends have kids/families/husbands who love them and lives they built together and wonder "what happened". Your literally throwing your life a way a day at a time, just like a drunk throws his away a drink at a time. Mark my words, you will be a bitter woman who regrets this forever if you allow it to continue. All your dreams will disappear, this man is STEALING them from you and you're letting him.

 

Stop it. Stop it today. Move on, delete his number, block him, and never look back. He'll move on quickly to the next one and you can start your life. Not 7 years from now. But right now. Tonight even. It's yours to live, it's you who has to look back on it when your old and gray. How do you want it to look?

[whichwayisup]

 

I was a shell of a person before last night. Now? Nothing, hollow, hopeless. Any lurkers on here flirting with someone across the office or over the back fence. STOP. Because this is what you get.

 

Please don't let this man ruin you. Sure you made some poor choices and trusted the wrong man..Learn from this, grow from it and push forward with the help of a good therapist. Gain your self love again and know that the A doesn't define you. Don't hang onto the emotional baggage either! Therapy will help you unload it.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Syre. I will post here instead. The urge isn't too bad right now because I'm still in complete disbelief of what just happened. But it will come. And with full force. Seven years of seeing each other almost every day (luckily we don't work together), life so intertwined, texts and phone calls all day. Gone.

 

The reminders of him are everywhere in my house and office. So many things we bought each other throughout the years. Can't even think about purging those now.

 

This hurts so bad.

 

For you and others who need NC support to stay in NC mode.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

[whichwayisup]

He won't be back unless I reach out. He just deleted all of our text messages. He's never done that before. We've only been NC twice before for 3 days only in 7 years and of course, I sent the first message to reach out.

 

He is serious this time.

 

Change your number, create a new email address, block him on social media.

 

I hope for your sake he doesn't try to sneak back into your life. Sadly the story usually goes that the exMM or exMW always reach out in the future. Could be months or even a year, maybe more.

[aileD]

He won't be back unless I reach out. He just deleted all of our text messages. He's never done that before. We've only been NC twice before for 3 days only in 7 years and of course, I sent the first message to reach out.

 

He is serious this time.

 

no he's not. He's just pissed his wife found out and now he has to deal with all this crap from her because of YOU. Pretending to cut you out completely makes it easier.

 

once he calms her down and life gets back to normal, he'll reach out to you again and lay on the charm and try to woo you back with a bunch of bullsh*t lies and tears and crap.

 

And you'll fall for it. you'll go back.

 

And his wife will find out again, because she's no longer oblivious to the fact her husband is a cheater.

 

and he'll dump you again. And you will go back and forth for years

 

"it's too hard to leave right now, the kids are upset"

"kid is graduating from college, I can't do it now"

"it's hard to separate our life, I'll lose everything"

"I'll leave after christmas, I can't do that to the family before the holidays"

"I can't leave now, her mom is sick"

 

And you will keep going back and he will keep using you and then you will have wasted YEARS more of your life.

 

Unless you change your mindset and say NO when he does come sniffing around again, you will be miserable.

 

He will come back...They always do....

 

He may have really loved you...but it doesn't matter.....since he doesn't have the balls to leave none of that love stuff matters..

[Syre17]

...they almost always come back...I think even more so when there is a lengthy history... That's when you have the "I'm great, seeing someone who is single and available and have moved on...and you should too, goodbye" at the ready...

[What_Did_I_Do]

Please don't let this man ruin you. Sure you made some poor choices and trusted the wrong man..Learn from this, grow from it and push forward with the help of a good therapist. Gain your self love again and know that the A doesn't define you. Don't hang onto the emotional baggage either! Therapy will help you unload it.

 

By some stroke of luck, my therapist had an opening this morning so I cried like a baby on her couch. She used the same references as made here, liar, cheat, narcissist, only concerned about his feelings. He manipulated and controlled our relationship the entire time....all while claiming *I* had full control. Not even close. Everything was on his terms (clearly). Can't believe how I couldn't spot all this years ago.

 

It's so hard to see that there will be good days ahead, that this immeasurable pain will be worth it.

[whichwayisup]

By some stroke of luck, my therapist had an opening this morning so I cried like a baby on her couch. She used the same references as made here, liar, cheat, narcissist, only concerned about his feelings. He manipulated and controlled our relationship the entire time....all while claiming *I* had full control. Not even close. Everything was on his terms (clearly). Can't believe how I couldn't spot all this years ago.

 

It's so hard to see that there will be good days ahead, that this immeasurable pain will be worth it.

 

It's good timing for sure, keep going to her as much as you can.

 

You did spot it, your emotions and heart was stronger than your gut and head. You probably knew on some level but it was easier to get swept up in the affair.

 

NOW you have control back. But be honest with yourself and your therapist.

 

Is the A really over? Not because he supposedly ended it but because you now want it over for real. that means you letting go of all hope, choosing to work through the pain and make it impossible for him to contact you.

[oceansaway]

I think you need to give him space. If he is truly ending things after a long marriage the last thing he wants is to jump into something immediately. Stop asking him his relationship status. That would drive anyone crazy. Ghost him. Act like you don't care. Give him space and time. He will be back. Then and only if he divorces...see how it goes.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words and support. Sure need it.

 

I can't go back to being the OW and I stayed for as long as I did because of his promises and future faking (thought it was real).

 

Not too worried about blocking him. I know him pretty well and he's a master at the punishment game. NC on his end is the ultimate payback.

 

Alie, he without a doubt crafted some bull story to his W about how I'm this lovesick divorcee that just won't leave him alone. What's a poor helpless MM to do? W, you must call her to get her off my back. Can just imagine the lies he spun to her.

[Syre17]

Thank you everyone for all of your kind words and support. Sure need it.

 

I can't go back to being the OW and I stayed for as long as I did because of his promises and future faking (thought it was real).

 

Not too worried about blocking him. I know him pretty well and he's a master at the punishment game. NC on his end is the ultimate payback.

 

Alie, he without a doubt crafted some bull story to his W about how I'm this lovesick divorcee that just won't leave him alone. What's a poor helpless MM to do? W, you must call her to get her off my back. Can just imagine the lies he spun to her.

 

I've always thought that it would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when they're with their spouses.

 

I actually received a txt msg a few years ago that was intended for her H that said "I love you too (name)" during the time she was supposedly working on getting out and was telling me how much she loved me. That stung...

 

Then, about a year ago, after she supposedly asked him for a D, he bought her a brand new Range Rover. I told her, "you do realize that this is a man who does not see D on the horizon, right?" Her reply was, "you know what, one of my girlfriends said the same exact thing!" First thought in my mind was...duh... Not to mention actually taking/accepting the car...talk about red flags...

 

Yep, if we only knew what was being told, or not, to their spouses...

[Overtaxed]

He may have really loved you...but it doesn't matter.....since he doesn't have the balls to leave none of that love stuff matters..

 

Bolded for emphasis.

 

This is a fantastic point. I'm pretty black and white on this issue, and, I also think I'm usually right, most MM engaged in affairs are really just there for the sex. It's a trade, kind words for sex. Most women just don't realize they are making that trade, they think there's meaning behind those kind words and typically there isn't.

 

But.. Even if there is. Even if he does love you. His actions are telling you he loves something else more. Could be his wife. Could be living with his kids full time. Could be the financial situation he has and would lose in a D. But, regardless what it is, there's something he loves more than you.

 

Either way, love or not, his actions tell the story. Words are just, to use the technical term, gobleygook. They don't matter in a situation like this because his words and actions don't align at all. Only when actions follow the words do they mean something. Otherwise, they are just sounds coming out of his mouth, sounds intended to keep your around, to keep you hooked, and to keep his "sex supply" solid. That's it. Don't ascribe meaning to them, because, I can promise you, he doesn't.

[Overtaxed]

I've always thought that it would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when they're with their spouses.

 

I actually received a txt msg a few years ago that was intended for her H that said "I love you too (name)" during the time she was supposedly working on getting out and was telling me how much she loved me. That stung...

 

Then, about a year ago, after she supposedly asked him for a D, he bought her a brand new Range Rover. I told her, "you do realize that this is a man who does not see D on the horizon, right?" Her reply was, "you know what, one of my girlfriends said the same exact thing!" First thought in my mind was...duh... Not to mention actually taking/accepting the car...talk about red flags...

 

Yep, if we only knew what was being told, or not, to their spouses...

 

Well, I have the "next best" to being a fly on the wall. My W had an A with someone where I had relationship with the APs W. We've since become closer to try to make sure that neither of them is in contact. Well, we both got "disclosure", but his story and hers are vastly different.

 

Her story - AP professed love, she fell for it.

His story - My W had been pursing him for years, he quit his job to get away from her and then finally gave in.

 

So, while I'll never get the "whole truth" here, I'm pretty sure my W's version is closer to the truth. But yeah, the AP will "burn the other person down" when the SHTF. My W went from the "love of his life" and the "only person who understands him" (direct quotes from recovered TXT messages) to a complete wh*re who was so aggressive that he had to quit his job to get away from her.

 

Note, this is the 3rd time he's been caught stepping out on his W. Who knows how many went undetected.

 

So, yeah, pretty different story between the two APs when it gets "real" that's for sure.

[Birdies]

He is stalling or changing his mind because most likely he's a conflict avoidant man and it's a lot easier to say than to do, or perhaps he's just been stringing you along the whole time.

 

It doesn't take years. My AP and I both divorced our spouses after DDay. I took a while to decide what to do and was still divorced within five months. His divorce was in the works within a week, but his ex strung in along so she could keep living off his paycheck paycheck for as long as possible. Due to our slow court system in this county, it took about 10 months. We were both in long term relationships with 15-20 years of history and assets. (Note that I'm not saying our path is good or excusable in ANY way, and it was horribly painful at the time for all involved. But it can be done if the people want to.)

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can move in and find someone with less baggage.

 

Also I will note that as a scientist, people just randomly making up statistics as some sort of "proof" is really frustrating. It lessens the impact of actual statistics based on actual research. And no, "I've seen that number reported all over the Internet and in a book somewhere" doesn't count as research.

Edited June 22, 2017 by Birdies

[Birdies]

Oh and PS, I guarantee he will be back. The question is, what do you want, and are you willing to stand up for it?

[DKT3]

He is stalling or changing his mind because most likely he's a conflict avoidant man and it's a lot easier to say than to do, or perhaps he's just been stringing you along the whole time.

 

It doesn't take years. My AP and I both divorced our spouses after DDay. I took a while to decide what to do and was still divorced within five months. His divorce was in the works within a week, but his ex strung in along so she could keep living off his paycheck paycheck for as long as possible. Due to our slow court system in this county, it took about 10 months. We were both in long term relationships with 15-20 years of history and assets. (Note that I'm not saying our path is good or excusable in ANY way, and it was horribly painful at the time for all involved. But it can be done if the people want to.)

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can move in and find someone with less baggage.

 

Also I will note that as a scientist, people just randomly making up statistics as some sort of "proof" is really frustrating. It lessens the impact of actual statistics based on actual research. And no, "I've seen that number reported all over the Internet and in a book somewhere" doesn't count as research.

 

People like to grasp or discount stats based on how they relate to thier situation. Example, both my and your relationships according to stats are doomed to fail. I embrace that notion, you don't seem to..

[Birdies]

People like to grasp or discount stats based on how they relate to thier situation. Example, both my and your relationships according to stats are doomed to fail. I embrace that notion, you don't seem to..

 

Well, again, this is an improper use of statistics. Because the odds are against you is not the same thing as being doomed to fail. I fully admit dad a relationship that starts as an affair has a bad likelihood of turning into a long happy marriage. Of course! But statistics are just an average of all occurrences, which by nature fall across the entire spectrum. This is assuming the stats are accurate, not just sort of made up.

 

Furthermore, an average does not take into account the variables that determine that range of outcomes. For instance, I'd be interested to see stats on affair outcomes for people with vs without kids.I guarantee that makes a huge difference.

 

Averages are great predictive tools, but at the end of the day, it's only a prediction. I hope it's wrong for both of us, but I wouldn't be too surprised if not

 

Sorry for t/j OP.

Edited June 22, 2017 by Birdies

[What_Did_I_Do]

No worries Birdies.

 

I really want to contact him tonight. Can't. Just can't.

[misspalmy]

The wife must be giving him crap over that text cos why would he say thoses thing, shes has the cheater and he put her at risk of stds, you will be stong again and can move on from this.

 

this is why i told his wife he cheated on her, i need to let the lies out was killing me.

 

wish i could give u big hug xx

[What_Did_I_Do]

Thank you MP. No chance of std on my end (I was 100% faithful).

 

I sure could use that hug :-(

[aileD]

Thank you MP. No chance of std on my end (I was 100% faithful).

 

I sure could use that hug :-(

 

You think you were the only one? He's cheating on his wife....he may have had a couple others in the side besides you....even if they were just sex.

 

You already know he's a liar, who wants sex from others who aren't his wife.

 

Get tested. Stop being naive

[Birdies]

No worries Birdies.

 

I really want to contact him tonight. Can't. Just can't.

 

Stay strong girl. Just don't do it. Find something else to keep yourself occupied and put away your phone!

[AlwaysGrowing]

Bolded for emphasis.

 

This is a fantastic point. I'm pretty black and white on this issue, and, I also think I'm usually right, most MM engaged in affairs are really just there for the sex. It's a trade, kind words for sex. Most women just don't realize they are making that trade, they think there's meaning behind those kind words and typically there isn't.

 

But.. Even if there is. Even if he does love you. His actions are telling you he loves something else more. Could be his wife. Could be living with his kids full time. Could be the financial situation he has and would lose in a D. But, regardless what it is, there's something he loves more than you.

 

Either way, love or not, his actions tell the story. Words are just, to use the technical term, gobleygook. They don't matter in a situation like this because his words and actions don't align at all. Only when actions follow the words do they mean something. Otherwise, they are just sounds coming out of his mouth, sounds intended to keep your around, to keep you hooked, and to keep his "sex supply" solid. That's it. Don't ascribe meaning to them, because, I can promise you, he doesn't.

 

Women are very well versed in what men are looking for. It is disingenuous for a woman to state otherwise. If a woman chooses to engage in an affair she...just like a man...is FULLY aware that she is involved in an affair and everything that that means to her life/circumstance. Those involved in affairs often fail to consider the very really possibility of the boat load of hurt coming their way.

 

OP, to quote Skeeter Davis (my mom loved her)... "got along without you before I met you, gonna get along without you now".

[Overtaxed]

Women are very well versed in what men are looking for. It is disingenuous for a woman to state otherwise. If a woman chooses to engage in an affair she...just like a man...is FULLY aware that she is involved in an affair and everything that that means to her life/circumstance. Those involved in affairs often fail to consider the very really possibility of the boat load of hurt coming their way.

 

OP, to quote Skeeter Davis (my mom loved her)... "got along without you before I met you, gonna get along without you now".

 

While I agree with you, it does seem obvious to me that's what most MM are going to be looking for, and, as you say, it seem disingenuous to say otherwise for women...

 

The threads here tell a different story. OW after OW saying "But he said he loved me", "I know he loves me", "He loved me like nobody else". Maybe subconsciously they do know, but it doesn't seem to make it's way to the front of mind during an A.

[deadsoul]

No worries Birdies.

 

I really want to contact him tonight. Can't. Just can't.

 

And he's waiting for you to contact him. Because that's how it probably happened in the past.

 

Be strong. It doesn't seem like it now, but if he truly does stay away, he's doing you an enormous favor because you now have the chance to start a new life, new beginning, focusing on YOU and making yourself happy. When you're ready to look closely at this relationship, I have a pretty good feeling you had more down days than up.

 

But I'll still bet that farm I don't have he'll be back....so be ready to stand tall and say enough is enough...

 

I hope that for you OP, truly I do. Unfortunately, I've seen this on this board time and again where you go back. Prove me wrong, PLEASE.