7 year affair over

[AlwaysGrowing]

While I agree with you, it does seem obvious to me that's what most MM are going to be looking for, and, as you say, it seem disingenuous to say otherwise for women...

 

The threads here tell a different story. OW after OW saying "But he said he loved me", "I know he loves me", "He loved me like nobody else". Maybe subconsciously they do know, but it doesn't seem to make it's way to the front of mind during an A.

 

Quid pro quo.

 

Men claim feelings....women give sex.

 

Once the sex is over.....so go the feelings.

 

Both parties got exactly what they bargained for.

 

Women mistakenly believe that the feelings should go on and on and on....even though the sex only lasts whilst it is being performed.

 

This is why an affair is not a good indicator of commitment from a man. He doesnt have to bring anything else to the dance.

 

That is not to say that affairs never turn into a true committed relationship. Just the likelihood of it is greatly diminished due to the usual initial affair dynamic.

[freengreen]

 

How much are you willing to give up for this guy? Another 5 or 10 years?

This is the question which makes a lot of sense in this part of the forum.

 

The only thing I got from your post is that you obsessively worry about him getting back to his wife. I am afraid, he will and he knows it clearly. He is living his life happily, moving to a lake house, romancing his wife, kids graduated .. and... playing you and freaking upon you when ever you cross the line he drew for you.

 

I am repeating DK3 s question: So for how long?

[freengreen]

Quid pro quo.

 

Men claim feelings....women give sex.

 

Once the sex is over.....so go the feelings.

 

Both parties got exactly what they bargained for.

 

Women mistakenly believe that the feelings should go on and on and on....even though the sex only lasts whilst it is being performed.

 

This is why an affair is not a good indicator of commitment from a man. He doesnt have to bring anything else to the dance.

 

That is not to say that affairs never turn into a true committed relationship. Just the likelihood of it is greatly diminished due to the usual initial affair dynamic.

Stop hitting the nail on the head!...

[SolG]

I have to say OP what drew me to your thread is the 'seven year' component of the title. I reach seven years myself in July. It certainly promotes introspection.

 

Whilst I wish I could share meaningful nuggets of my own, I can't. Instead I'll share some from my wonderfully talented therapist as she shared them with me.

 

Firstly there is no such thing as wasted time. There are just times when you deviate from your life's purpose and have to find your way home. Those deviations aren't a waste, just a detour. Detours rich in lessons learned.

 

But to give a detour meaningful context, you absolutely need to define what your destination is. What do you want? Out of life and not just this relationship. You're bigger than that.

 

Does this A take you closer to, or farther away from where you want to be? It's as simple as that...

[What_Did_I_Do]

This is the question which makes a lot of sense in this part of the forum.

 

The only thing I got from your post is that you obsessively worry about him getting back to his wife. I am afraid, he will and he knows it clearly. He is living his life happily, moving to a lake house, romancing his wife, kids graduated .. and... playing you and freaking upon you when ever you cross the line he drew for you.

 

I am repeating DK3 s question: So for how long?

 

I asked him a thousand times throughout our relationship, hey MM if you can't leave your W I understand. Please just be honest with me. His answer was always over those 7 years was "if I wasn't going to leave her I wouldn't be with you today". So I trusted what he said.

 

Taxed, you mention that this is always about sex for men. We didn't start until 3 years in and even then, the occurrence was fairly infrequent. We did everything else as a couple. Home renos, shopping, going to sport events, dinners, walks, travel, talk about finances. Who will be doing what once we are under the same roof. I agree for some A's sex is the primary reason for men. It wasn't in ours.

 

I didn't contact him yesterday. Today will be a bigger challenge though.

[Overtaxed]

I asked him a thousand times throughout our relationship, hey MM if you can't leave your W I understand. Please just be honest with me. His answer was always over those 7 years was "if I wasn't going to leave her I wouldn't be with you today". So I trusted what he said.

 

Taxed, you mention that this is always about sex for men. We didn't start until 3 years in and even then, the occurrence was fairly infrequent. We did everything else as a couple. Home renos, shopping, going to sport events, dinners, walks, travel, talk about finances. Who will be doing what once we are under the same roof. I agree for some A's sex is the primary reason for men. It wasn't in ours.

 

I didn't contact him yesterday. Today will be a bigger challenge though.

 

Never trust what they say, trust what they do. I won't continue my discourse on men in A's, but, I think you get my point. What did he actually do? He strung you along for years, got the sex and ego kibbles he wanted, and then dropped you without much thought. Don't look back on all the things he said, look at what actually happened here. That tells you what you need to know.

 

Look ladies, men are liars. We almost all are because we've all had to do it our entire lives to engage or sleep with women. It's just what we do. Don't listen to our words, watch our actions!

[RewindRomancer]

I just keep thinking about your AP storming out of the ballgame and screaming insults and obscenities in your face. Of course you are shattered. I bet in all 7 years he was never that vicious to you.

 

 

It's because you broke the affair bubble by slamming reality into the situation. He lost complete and absolute control of the entire situation. (He must have been quite the manipulator to keep stringing you along for seven years!)

 

 

My xMM screamed at me once, when he thought I had somehow sent an unintended social media message to his wife: "WHAT DID YOU DO????!!!!" he roared. Scared the snot out of me because, in almost 40 years of knowing this man, he has never raised his voice at me. He is in a high-level professional position that can make him seem very scary - that's the nature of his job. I've never wanted to be on the wrong end of his wrath because he can do things to people that can permanently ruin a life.

 

 

But I never thought he'd even remotely turn on me. We were college sweethearts and our affair was our second go-around late in life.

 

 

I am now 5 months NC and certain triggers (like hearing Our Song on the radio) send me into sobbing fits. Even though I've blocked all social media, phone etc., he can find me....he has a professional skill set that allows him to do so.

 

 

But I don't want to be anybody's mistress - and you don't either! Let that fog gradually lift (and it will). Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Seven years is a long time to invest in a liar.

 

 

Resist the urge to contact MM. The impulses get weaker as time goes on....TRUTH.

 

 

Good luck to you, OP. You got this!

[freengreen]

I asked him a thousand times throughout our relationship, hey MM if you can't leave your W I understand. Please just be honest with me. His answer was always over those 7 years was "if I wasn't going to leave her I wouldn't be with you today". So I trusted what he said.

 

Taxed, you mention that this is always about sex for men. We didn't start until 3 years in and even then, the occurrence was fairly infrequent. We did everything else as a couple. Home renos, shopping, going to sport events, dinners, walks, travel, talk about finances. Who will be doing what once we are under the same roof. I agree for some A's sex is the primary reason for men. It wasn't in ours.

 

I didn't contact him yesterday. Today will be a bigger challenge though.

 

You are trying. Now that you got your back, we are happy to help you:)

 

"if I wasn't going to leave her I wouldn't be with you today". He will keep using this set of words because they worked, for 7 effing years...what does he got to lose?, nothing. Never let people fool you with their little crumbs, even worse.. set of words...

 

I am glad you have already realised most of it. Keep calm and carry on NC.

[Syre17]

I have to say OP what drew me to your thread is the 'seven year' component of the title. I reach seven years myself in July. It certainly promotes introspection.

 

Whilst I wish I could share meaningful nuggets of my own, I can't. Instead I'll share some from my wonderfully talented therapist as she shared them with me.

 

Firstly there is no such thing as wasted time. There are just times when you deviate from your life's purpose and have to find your way home. Those deviations aren't a waste, just a detour. Detours rich in lessons learned.

 

But to give a detour meaningful context, you absolutely need to define what your destination is. What do you want? Out of life and not just this relationship. You're bigger than that.

 

Does this A take you closer to, or farther away from where you want to be? It's as simple as that...

 

This is really profound and good; thanks for sharing.

[Ahurtgirl]

My exMM even went as far as calling my then husband to tell him HE wanted to pursue happiness with me. We also looked at houses together, he considered buying my home with me, and we talked about how child support would work and finances, etc. He gave me an engagement ring and claimed he was ready to leave his wife for me but always needed "more time" when I asked when he would be ready to make a change. 4.5 years this went on. Then when I called his wife because I was worried about him and he has a d-day because of it (my ex husband knew I was involved with him pretty much from the start because of exMM calling him), exMM loses his mind and ends things with me. You are not alone in having gone through "future faking" by the MM. It seems they will promise the world to get sex!!! I pretty much hate men now because of this experience. They ALL lie on some capacity.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I just keep thinking about your AP storming out of the ballgame and screaming insults and obscenities in your face. Of course you are shattered. I bet in all 7 years he was never that vicious to you.

 

 

It's because you broke the affair bubble by slamming reality into the situation. He lost complete and absolute control of the entire situation. (He must have been quite the manipulator to keep stringing you along for seven years!)

 

 

My xMM screamed at me once, when he thought I had somehow sent an unintended social media message to his wife: "WHAT DID YOU DO????!!!!" he roared. Scared the snot out of me because, in almost 40 years of knowing this man, he has never raised his voice at me. He is in a high-level professional position that can make him seem very scary - that's the nature of his job. I've never wanted to be on the wrong end of his wrath because he can do things to people that can permanently ruin a life.

 

 

But I never thought he'd even remotely turn on me. We were college sweethearts and our affair was our second go-around late in life.

 

 

I am now 5 months NC and certain triggers (like hearing Our Song on the radio) send me into sobbing fits. Even though I've blocked all social media, phone etc., he can find me....he has a professional skill set that allows him to do so.

 

 

But I don't want to be anybody's mistress - and you don't either! Let that fog gradually lift (and it will). Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Seven years is a long time to invest in a liar.

 

 

Resist the urge to contact MM. The impulses get weaker as time goes on....TRUTH.

 

 

Good luck to you, OP. You got this!

 

I see now in some small shred that he was a liar. To me and his W. You'd have to be to carry on an A for 7 years where we saw each other every day.

 

Saw on FB (ugh I know) that she was quite ill on their anniversary and guess where he was....with me all day.

 

xMM was also a very powerful man. A leader who can bring a challenger to their knees. I was so attracted to that because xH was the complete opposite and here I thought this alpha male would take care of me in the best and worst possible situations. He did do that....then he didn't. And d*mn good looking too. Gawd.

 

I never, ever thought this would horrible situation would happen with me either, but it did.

[What_Did_I_Do]

My exMM even went as far as calling my then husband to tell him HE wanted to pursue happiness with me. We also looked at houses together, he considered buying my home with me, and we talked about how child support would work and finances, etc. He gave me an engagement ring and claimed he was ready to leave his wife for me but always needed "more time" when I asked when he would be ready to make a change. 4.5 years this went on. Then when I called his wife because I was worried about him and he has a d-day because of it (my ex husband knew I was involved with him pretty much from the start because of exMM calling him), exMM loses his mind and ends things with me. You are not alone in having gone through "future faking" by the MM. It seems they will promise the world to get sex!!! I pretty much hate men now because of this experience. They ALL lie on some capacity.

 

Hurt, so sorry you went through this too. We even picked out our wedding site. Told me I would have to put up with his crankiness and eventually bury him when it's his time. Doesn't matter now. Gone.

[sandylee1]

It seems like a terrible waste of 7 years. The difficulty is knowing the sincerity of a man who lies to the woman he vowed fidelity to in front of friends and family for 7 years.

 

Your text threatened his primary relationship and his actions towards you indictate the importance (in a warped way) he places on his marriage and his wife being aware of an OW.

 

Now you see the real him...who spends time with his mistress when his wife and mother of his children is ill.

 

Why do you think you'd never be there she is, if you ended up with him?

 

A 7 year affair isn't a sign of love from a MM. It's a sign of what a good and compliant mistress you are. You were doing a good job, until the text message. ..so now he's sacked you for gross misconduct.

[ms millie]

I can't help but wonder A. what kind of job this MM has that he could see you nearly every day for 7 years. B. What kind of friends does he have that they never noticed he was cheating-or that they never told the W . C. How his wife never noticed that he was absent all those times. []

Edited June 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Prohibited language redacted and member moderated

[OpenBook]

Look ladies, men are liars. We almost all are because we've all had to do it our entire lives to engage or sleep with women. It's just what we do. Don't listen to our words, watch our actions!

 

I've always wondered why men don't seem to be bothered by being liars. It's almost like they're proud of it. What part of being a liar is something good to brag about? The end (getting laid) justifies the means (lies and the lying liars who lie)? I don't get it.

 

I would be very surprised if OP's xMM's W wasn't already aware he was a lying cheating person... and that might be contributing to her getting ill. It would sure bring me down! Small comfort to the OP perhaps? - at least you're not in HER shoes. Ghastly.

[Overtaxed]

I've always wondered why men don't seem to be bothered by being liars. It's almost like they're proud of it. What part of being a liar is something good to brag about? The end (getting laid) justifies the means (lies and the lying liars who lie)? I don't get it.

 

I would be very surprised if OP's xMM's W wasn't already aware he was a lying cheating person... and that might be contributing to her getting ill. It would sure bring me down! Small comfort to the OP perhaps? - at least you're not in HER shoes. Ghastly.

 

I was always bothered by it. I never wanted to do it. And I was relieved when I didn't have to do it anymore (when I married and could be honest with my W).

 

We do it for sex; it's as simple (or complicated) as that. We're taught from a very early age that "I love you" = Sex. Thing is, men have a MUCH higher drive for sex than they do for love. I've had sex with a lot of women, I've been in love with 2.

 

Is it right? Of course not. But there's not really any other options for most men. You have to say the words, make the other person feel special, and try to "woo" them even when, end of the day, you just want sex. Look at how gay men operate, because of the evenly matched sex drives, it's far more transparent. If they want to have sex, they say "I'd like to have sex", not "I love you".

 

We (men), by and large I suspect, would like to be transparent. Lying is difficult, it's damaging to morals, and it's not at all good for you as a person. But, fact of the matter is, if you want to have sex, especially if you're a married man, it's gonna take a LOT of lying to pull it off. Lying to your AP about how you feel is the tip of iceberg, the AP doesn't deserve your honesty because of her position. Lying to your wife, your kids, your family, your friends (assuming they don't share the A with us). Those are the big lies, and, those lies are universal in an A. "I love you" when you don't feel it is like a gnat on an elephant that becomes the lies surrounding an A.

 

I will add, the moment men can stop lying, they typically do. Rich men, famous men, those with great power? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say there's not a lot of "I love you's" to the groupies on a tour bus. We don't want to lie, we just have to in order to have sex without commitment, something that most men deeply desire. Enter other options, and I suspect things would get much more transparent.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I can't help but wonder A. what kind of job this MM has that he could see you nearly every day for 7 years. B. What kind of friends does he have that they never noticed he was cheating-or that they never told the W . C. How his wife never noticed that he was absent all those times. []

 

Some flexibility with his work, as with mine. Sometimes a quick lunch, most times after work or through shared hobbies. Have no idea what he told his W for the absences. Foolish and gullible.

Edited June 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[sandylee1]

Overtaxed,

 

There are still a few men who don't lie to have sex, although I get what you're saying 100%.

 

I'm not sure men really see it as lying, more as a means to an end.... And "I love you", is really "I love having sex with you" and he's high on that feeling of love.... But it's not likely to be real love.

 

Would you really keep the woman you proclaim to love hidden for 7 years? Surely you'd want to introduce her to friend and family.

 

The question I'd be asking in your position OP is.. "what's so much better about me and (compared to his wife of X years), that he would end it and loose the respect of so many around him?"

 

Is he miserable in the marriage?

Does he complain about his wife?

 

Is all intimacy lost between them?

 

What's the financial impact of him leaving?

 

These are major factors in the decision to leave for men.

 

And if his wife was even..." Just okay" and only the sex was missing.. Well he was getting that from you and so why would he leave her?

 

In order to keep you interested he had to future fake you.

 

If he has said, I'm never leaving her, I enjoy being with you, but only in the capacity of an affair... You would have dropped him like a hot brick.

 

He said what you wanted to hear and what he needed to keep you in the affair. It's really that simple unfortunately.

 

Your feelings didn't really matter to him.

 

He's a very selfish man and anyone who can cheat on their spouse for that long term without any guilt, is certainly lacking something within themselves.

 

Or he just has a sense of self righteousness or entitlement.

[Minnie09]

Overtaxed,

 

I have read some of your posts, and all of them seem to reflect your frustration with your wife's affair, which is completely understandable. It almost sounds, though, like you are writing them for her to read. To punish her. In order to show her her place. How stupid she was. Again: very understandable...you are hurt.

 

Anyhow: You seem to be quite obsessed with the fact that men lie all the time in order to get sex. I think that might be true for some, because we are all different, but look at long-term As, they usually include not only sex, but a certain degree of commitment (which is of course restricted by the primary relationship a.k.a. the marriage), intimacy in other areas other than the bedroom, helping each other out. Going on trips together, sharing emotional stuff, having daily communication, etc. I would assume that this would be a lot of effort just in order to keep the sex coming. I'm just not buying it. Seems like too much work. Sure - there might be players around that have read all the PUA books, but I don't think anybody with a normal mindset has that much time to pick up chicks and have one night stands all the time when they're on a business trip or whatever. You also claim that your buddies or coworkers and all the horny men you know share sex stories about their affair partners and show pictures around, which is completely the opposite of what I am familiar with. It is just not true. Most men try to keep their As secret - because they don't want to get busted. They want to keep their reputation intact, while figuring out what to do with those two women. One is the wife and one is the lover. How and if to dissolve a long-term M, what are you gonna do with the kids what are you gonna do with the assets – nobody wants anybody to know anything about those things, while you're in limbo (and yes, MM are struggling, too).

 

In case of the OP, all I can say is that I feel very very sorry for her, after seven years – again – I do not think it was ONLY all about the sex for him. I'm sure he was dreaming about a future with her, too, otherwise he wouldn't have made all these promises, invested all this time and effort, but unfortunately at the end of the day he couldn't follow through, because he just couldn't make it work due to whatever reasons. Finances, family bonds, people being disappointed, kids being devastated, his wife, fear of the unknown, etc.

 

I'm sure that some of the promises he made were sincere. But when it comes down to following through, many cannot pull the plug, because divorce is hard. Especially for a man. That doesn't mean, though, that they were consciously misleading the affair partner. It just means that they wanted something different in their lives, but they were too scared to follow through. And about that, they will feel bad for the rest of their lives. And the OW will disrespect them for the rest of HER life. And he's afraid of that and he's embarrassed about that. And he will forever be feeling weak.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Minnie09

[Overtaxed]

Overtaxed,

 

I have read some of your posts, and all of them seem to reflect your frustration with your wife's affair, which is completely understandable. It almost sounds, though, like you are writing them for her to read. To punish her. In order to show her her place. How stupid she was. Again: very understandable...you are hurt.

 

Anyhow: You seem to be quite obsessed with the fact that men lie all the time in order to get sex. I think that might be true for some, because we are all different, but look at long-term As, they usually include not only sex, but a certain degree of commitment (which is of course restricted by the primary relationship a.k.a. the marriage), intimacy in other areas other than the bedroom, helping each other out. Going on trips together, sharing emotional stuff, having daily communication, etc. I would assume that this would be a lot of effort just in order to keep the sex coming. I'm just not buying it. Seems like too much work. Sure - there might be players around that have read all the PUA books, but I don't think anybody with a normal mindset has that much time to pick up chicks and have one night stands all the time when they're on a business trip or whatever. You also claim that your buddies or coworkers and all the horny men you know share sex stories about their affair partners and show pictures around, which is completely the opposite of what I am familiar with. It is just not true. Most men try to keep their As secret - because they don't want to get busted. They want to keep their reputation intact, while figuring out what to do with those two women. One is the wife and one is the lover. How and if to dissolve a long-term M, what are you gonna do with the kids what are you gonna do with the assets – nobody wants anybody to know anything about those things, while you're in limbo (and yes, MM are struggling, too).

 

In case of the OP, all I can say is that I feel very very sorry for her, after seven years – again – I do not think it was ONLY all about the sex for him. I'm sure he was dreaming about a future with her, too, otherwise he wouldn't have made all these promises, invested all this time and effort, but unfortunately at the end of the day he couldn't follow through, because he just couldn't make it work due to whatever reasons. Finances, family bonds, people being disappointed, kids being devastated, his wife, fear of the unknown, etc.

 

I'm sure that some of the promises he made were sincere. But when it comes down to following through, many cannot pull the plug, because divorce is hard. Especially for a man. That doesn't mean, though, that they were consciously misleading the affair partner. It just means that they wanted something different in their lives, but they were too scared to follow through. And about that, they will feel bad for the rest of their lives. And the OW will disrespect them for the rest of HER life. And he's afraid of that and he's embarrassed about that. And he will forever be feeling weak.

 

Good post, I'll respond to the points in something like "given" order.

 

Oh yeah, I'm frustrated with my W's A, no question about that! She does not read my posts though, so these aren't for her. I do, however, post these as if I'm talking to her, that part is entirely true, because, I know the dynamics of her A. Of course, not all of them, but I got the TXT messages, I saw the communication styles. And I'm in contact with the AP's W regularly, and I can hear both "sides" of the story. The dynamics of her A are as I lay out often for WW's; AP offered kind words (that meant nothing) she offered sex. A terrible trade in the end, because, by his actions post d-day, it's clear that those kind words meant nothing.

 

Long term A's, I don't understand them at all, but I sincerely do believe it's primarily about sex for the man. I really do believe that because, before my W, I did have a few LTR's that were entirely about sex (for me), it was never going to lead to anything; I knew that, the woman in the relationship did not know that. But I did these things, called them, talked about plans, went to dinner with them (no sex). I just knew "this isn't going anywhere" and also knew "but I really like being intimate with this person". Notice I said "intimate", not just "sex", that was intentional, because, of course, it was more than sex in a LTR. But, and this is the very important thing, if the sex had stopped, I would have moved on. No doubt, 100% in my mind, the "driver" in those relationships was sex, it was not a desire for emotional intimacy.

 

Let me give an example. I used to work in an office setting, and I had a lot of friends at work that I'd speak to on a daily basis. We'd go to lunch together. Spent some time with their SO's and their friends at time. I wouldn't call it "best friends", but I was close to them. However, when I moved on to a new job, those friendships ceased. The friendship was about work, that was the common bond, it wasn't a "real" friendship. And 2 of those were long lasting things (2+ years), but, because of the nature of the connection (work), once that common thread was gone, so was the friendship. That's how I view sex in an A, it's the reason you're spending time together, and, yes, you might also be friends. But that friendship is mostly predicated on the continuation of the sexual intimacy. Take that away, and, much like my work "friends" you'll find that those friendships really weren't anywhere near as close as you might have thought they were.

 

As to my circle of friends, I suspect that they are way "outside the lines" for most men. They are very rich, and they are very powerful people, I think they operate under "the rules don't apply to me". Are they every AP? Of course not. But these are the type of men who seek A's, and also the type of men very likely to have them (because of their status). It very well may not be your AP though, I freely admit that. Some of the stories here, I can nearly tell, they've fallen in with a wealthy man who's using them and probably laughing about them behind their backs. But not all of them. I provide this as a source of "this could happen", not "this will happen", because, I realize that not all A's are like that. But you also have to realize, A's for men are very different than A's for women. We don't suffer the "shame" that comes with an A for a woman. Most men don't look down on other men for having more sex, even if it's not with their wives. My W's AP took her out somewhere where he was sure to see some of his friends on purpose; you think that was an accident? Of course not, he wanted them to see "Look at this one guys, she's hot!". They even took pictures of them together (his male friends) even though they all knew his W. No interpretation here folks, this is what happened. And it's not that unusual, it really isn't, men, as a group, don't see A's the same way women do, we just don't. "Good for him" is probably the most common reaction, sometimes followed by "What an idiot, his wife is a good woman". But not always, and, remember, most men tear their wives to shreds with their male friends (she's a shrew who doesn't appreciate me and we never have sex, summarizing, but that's the gist of the conversation). So of course their buddies are, in some ways, happy for them when they get an AP. Not making excuses or saying it's right, and it's not like we (men) have a lock on doing terrible things to our spouses (the way most women talk about their H to anyone who will listen makes my ears bleed), but this is the way that, at least some, men view things.

 

To your last 2 paragraphs, who knows. He might have wanted more. He might have felt more. But, end of the day, it does not matter. Not even a little bit. Because he didn't DO MORE. There's no reason to "dream of" a future together, if you want it and the other person does as well, MAKE IT HAPPEN. Yes, it can be hard. You think it's harder than recovering from an A? I sure don't; and people here make that choice all the time, the choice to stay with the person they love, because they really do love them. Yes, situations can be difficult, and you might lose a lot of money, or access to your kids. But that's what you're singing up for if you really fall in love with another woman. Only if you keep her at arms length and string her along do you have any possibility of the "sex on the side" arrangement.

 

The final thing, "I'm sure that some of the promises he made were sincere", I completely disagree with. Listen, if you make a promise to do something and you can do it, but don't, you did NOT make a sincere promise. "I don't feel like it anymore" is the answer as to why you're not following through on the promise, which, to me anyway, is pretty much the definition of an insincere promise. And AP's know this, that's why there's always some "reason" given. Can't leave now, kids in school. Can't leave now, wife is sick. Can't leave now, parents need to come live with us. There's always a "reason". That reason never holds up to close examination. "Can't leave now, don't feel like it" is the real reason.

 

Nobody is trapped in a M. If they want out, they get out. There are stories like that here too, AP gets serious, both people go home and tell H/W it's over and leave. It's rare, but it does happen. Because, if you want it, it's right there, reach out and take it. Yes, you have to give some things up to get it, just like you have to give up money to get stuff when you go to any store. You make a value decision, do I want this car or the 40,000 dollars in my pocket more? Whatever you value more, you do. But standing in the car dealership saying to yourself "All I want in the world is this car" with 40K sitting in your pocket and walking out of the dealership without the car tells you that, in fact, you didn't want this car more than anything in the world. You wanted the 40K in your pocket more, and you made the decision to keep that instead. It really is that simple in an A, and women who continually let the man get away with test driving the car on the weekends but keeping the 40K in their pocket, if they worked for the dealership, we'd say they were very poor sales people. You're giving him what he most wants (drive the convertible on the weekend) without the part that he's not all that keen on (paying for the car).

 

Thing is.. He probably doesn't want the convertible enough to EVER pay for it, no matter how much he talks about it, because, if he did.. He'd write the check and drive it home; he has the "money" (ability to D in my poorly drawn analogy), so it's obvious he values that more than the shiny new car.

[Southwardbound]

Overtaxed,

 

I have read some of your posts, and all of them seem to reflect your frustration with your wife's affair, which is completely understandable. It almost sounds, though, like you are writing them for her to read. To punish her. In order to show her her place. How stupid she was. Again: very understandable...you are hurt.

 

Anyhow: You seem to be quite obsessed with the fact that men lie all the time in order to get sex. I think that might be true for some, because we are all different, but look at long-term As, they usually include not only sex, but a certain degree of commitment (which is of course restricted by the primary relationship a.k.a. the marriage), intimacy in other areas other than the bedroom, helping each other out. Going on trips together, sharing emotional stuff, having daily communication, etc. I would assume that this would be a lot of effort just in order to keep the sex coming. I'm just not buying it. Seems like too much work. Sure - there might be players around that have read all the PUA books, but I don't think anybody with a normal mindset has that much time to pick up chicks and have one night stands all the time when they're on a business trip or whatever. You also claim that your buddies or coworkers and all the horny men you know share sex stories about their affair partners and show pictures around, which is completely the opposite of what I am familiar with. It is just not true. Most men try to keep their As secret - because they don't want to get busted. They want to keep their reputation intact, while figuring out what to do with those two women. One is the wife and one is the lover. How and if to dissolve a long-term M, what are you gonna do with the kids what are you gonna do with the assets – nobody wants anybody to know anything about those things, while you're in limbo (and yes, MM are struggling, too).

 

In case of the OP, all I can say is that I feel very very sorry for her, after seven years – again – I do not think it was ONLY all about the sex for him. I'm sure he was dreaming about a future with her, too, otherwise he wouldn't have made all these promises, invested all this time and effort, but unfortunately at the end of the day he couldn't follow through, because he just couldn't make it work due to whatever reasons. Finances, family bonds, people being disappointed, kids being devastated, his wife, fear of the unknown, etc.

 

I'm sure that some of the promises he made were sincere. But when it comes down to following through, many cannot pull the plug, because divorce is hard. Especially for a man. That doesn't mean, though, that they were consciously misleading the affair partner. It just means that they wanted something different in their lives, but they were too scared to follow through. And about that, they will feel bad for the rest of their lives. And the OW will disrespect them for the rest of HER life. And he's afraid of that and he's embarrassed about that. And he will forever be feeling weak.

 

 

I think you hit it on the nail for many long term affairs.... Will sincere promise overcome the big scary unknowns of unwinding the marriage?

 

My MM has made these 'sincere promises' also, and I do wonder if, he will follow through, too? I have my doubts. For now our arrangement suits me just fine. But, I wonder, too, what will happen in a few years when we also get to that 'graduation point?'

[anika99]

I see now in some small shred that he was a liar. To me and his W. You'd have to be to carry on an A for 7 years where we saw each other every day.

 

Saw on FB (ugh I know) that she was quite ill on their anniversary and guess where he was....with me all day.

 

xMM was also a very powerful man. A leader who can bring a challenger to their knees. I was so attracted to that because xH was the complete opposite and here I thought this alpha male would take care of me in the best and worst possible situations. He did do that....then he didn't. And d*mn good looking too. Gawd.

 

I never, ever thought this would horrible situation would happen with me either, but it did.

 

If you go back and read your old posts I think you will see that you have known that your MM is a liar for some time. In many of your posts you talk about about how he has lied to you, berated you when you push him for answers, ruined your self esteem, destroyed your confidence and self worth and lots of references to him lying to you. Many of those posts are 2yrs old. While it's perfectly understandable that you are hurt and feel betraye it seems that you haven't just suddenly found out that your MM is a liar but that you have been forcing yourself to live in denial for at least the past 2yrs.

 

I don't blame you for how you feel right now. It's normal that in the moment you feel hurt and betrayed and wonder how he could do this to you, but as in all dysfunctional relationships we have to eventually turn the mirror on ourselves, question our motives and reasoning for participating in a relationship that was so destructive and hurtful to so many people.

[lovely81]

I'm not sure if it's worth analyzing the married man's motives/behavior so much.

 

It seems to recreate in part what gets people stuck in these situations to begin with--being out of touch with their own feelings and motives and focusing on the other.

 

OP, wishing you strength and peace going forward. The situation sounds incredibly painful.

[Syre17]

I'm not sure if it's worth analyzing the married man's motives/behavior so much.

 

It seems to recreate in part what gets people stuck in these situations to begin with--being out of touch with their own feelings and motives and focusing on the other.

 

OP, wishing you strength and peace going forward. The situation sounds incredibly painful.

 

I agree with this, about overly analyzing, since it's hard to discern what's fact and what's fiction with the AP. There's a lot of smoke and mirrors typically in my opinion.

 

Stay strong!

[What_Did_I_Do]

I agree with this, about overly analyzing, since it's hard to discern what's fact and what's fiction with the AP. There's a lot of smoke and mirrors typically in my opinion.

 

Stay strong!

 

So very true. Everyone's response in this thread has helped me to understand that he is one messed up *ss and I have my own host of issues that kept us in that toxic environment for so long.

 

xMM did call....to tell me he needs time away and I need to go be on my own. Said he is still leaving his W but being alone will be his preferred option (aka be on the prowl for someone else that won't question or challenge his motives). I said I can no longer be a mistress. And that was it.

 

I'm still numb. Lost so much weight and can't really afford to. Would like to say it's better but it's not.