7 year affair over

[Syre17]

So very true. Everyone's response in this thread has helped me to understand that he is one messed up *ss and I have my own host of issues that kept us in that toxic environment for so long.

 

xMM did call....to tell me he needs time away and I need to go be on my own. Said he is still leaving his W but being alone will be his preferred option (aka be on the prowl for someone else that won't question or challenge his motives). I said I can no longer be a mistress. And that was it.

 

I'm still numb. Lost so much weight and can't really afford to. Would like to say it's better but it's not.

 

That's good that it's been helpful; it was for me as well. I stumbled upon this site, as many others have I'm sure, by googling key words/phrases trying to undertand everything.

 

I'm no therapist, or mental health professional for that matter, but I have managed hundreds of employees (well at times I've been their "armchair" therapist...haha) and have learned a lot about people, and their behaviors. That said, none of us are perfect of course, but I'd swear my exAP has BPD/Borderline Personality Disorder. I can tick off just about everything on the list with her. I'm not sure if you're familiar with BPD? At any rate, it's interesting how people see and think of themselves. She made a comment to me one time that she "really wasn't a very complicated person." Do you know, she was the most complicated person I've ever met or known?!? I say this because I think there's a lot of cognitive dissonance at play with some, perhaps not all, AP's.

 

I wonder why he phoned to tell you that? What his motive or ulterior motive was? Do you think it was just to stay in somewhat "control" of it on his part? Or to see what response it might elicit from you? It's almost like "hey now that I'm going to be free, I don't want you either..." It just seems a little odd to me that he'd call you to tell you that. Good response by the way...

[What_Did_I_Do]

It was a control tactic. He's still 'in charge' of where everyone needs to be.

 

Weird, xMM said the same thing to me over the years, how he's not a complicated guy. Right, as long as everything goes your way 100% of the time xMM - life is simple!

[Syre17]

It was a control tactic. He's still 'in charge' of where everyone needs to be.

 

Weird, xMM said the same thing to me over the years, how he's not a complicated guy. Right, as long as everything goes your way 100% of the time xMM - life is simple!

 

Winner! Control was my first and best guess...

 

I seriously just busted out laughing at your reply about the complicated comment. Particularly, the part where you said as long as everything goes their way 100% of the time. So true!!!

 

Do something good and healthy for yourself today, something just for you. That always helps.

[whichwayisup]

Some flexibility with his work, as with mine. Sometimes a quick lunch, most times after work or through shared hobbies. Have no idea what he told his W for the absences. Foolish and gullible.

 

You're calling his wife foolish and gullible? That's unfair because he certainly fooled you as well. She may have her own issues just like you have your own issues. Please try not to judge her and as to why she's chosen to stay with him and believe his words.

[What_Did_I_Do]

You're calling his wife foolish and gullible? That's unfair because he certainly fooled you as well. She may have her own issues just like you have your own issues. Please try not to judge her and as to why she's chosen to stay with him and believe his words.

 

WWIU, *I* was foolish and gullible (amongst other things), not his W.

[malvern99]

I agree with this, about overly analyzing, since it's hard to discern what's fact and what's fiction with the AP. There's a lot of smoke and mirrors typically in my opinion.

 

Stay strong!

 

The smoke and mirrors only exist within the bubble of the A. If a person can step outside of that bubble and look at the facts as they are (as opposed to how they want them to be), the truth becomes easier to see.

 

I look at it this way. If a MM wants an honest future with his AP, he will do what it takes to make it happen. Excuses to string the A out will be replaced by concrete actions. It's not like his M is a prison. Many OW never seem to ask a basic question of MM who complain about their M. If their M's are so bad, why are they still in them? Wouldn't they have walked away from that that terrible M? Why perpetuate their "misery" by going back to the M every day?

 

Future faking is just a means to an end. Nothing more, nothing less. In OP's case, the "mistake" she made was she tried to put pressure on MM to make the future faking come to fruition, but unfortunately for her, MM has no interest in his 2 worlds colliding (his M and his A), and as a result, he lashed out at her to get her to stop. OP made the common mistake of blaming herself for MM's outburst. Fortunately for her, if she's read the advice she's been given, she'll know better when MM tries to get back into her life, because I'd bet money that he'll be back.

[GeekLover]

OP,

 

I'm not sure I have a lot of advice to give you. This seems pretty complicated. I'm coming out the other end of my own *****storm myself, but in the position of your xMM (though not quite the same story...actually, kind of opposite...).

 

Either way though, I still feel for you because I understand the pain that comes from the end of this type of relationship, regardless of how it ended and who is who in the dance.

 

I just want to tell you it does start to get better.

 

I'm over 7 months out. It doesn't hurt like it did months ago, but I'm still working through it. There's so much to unravel (I was 5.5 years...so you have just as much mess, if not more).

 

You will get there, honey. I promise. Give it some time and feel the hurt! If you choose to fully walk away, my suggestion is to take some time for yourself and not jump into another relationship to mask the pain. FEEL the pain. It's the best way to purge the toxicity from your body.

 

There's light at the end of the tunnel. Hang on.

 

PM me if you need to talk.

 

Hugs.

Edited June 25, 2017 by GeekLover

[sadgirl17]

Can I ask for a little update? Did he or you contact each other since the breakup? I still find it strange that a 7-year affair could just stop so abruptly like that.

[What_Did_I_Do]

A little update, was some LC, though quite strained. Then another uncomfortable discussion and he made it very clear, he wants to go NC with me so he can think about what HE wants, whether the M, me or try the single life. My money would be on the former.

 

I hurt all over again. Crying new tears. All for what. But for the first time tonight I felt a spark of anger.

[travelbug1996]

He might be on the tails of another OW. Seems that OW forget that's what they do.

 

Sorry for your pain OP. I'm sure you are learning a huge lesson here. Time is valuable and not to be wasted.

[What_Did_I_Do]

He might be on the tails of another OW. Seems that OW forget that's what they do.

 

Sorry for your pain OP. I'm sure you are learning a huge lesson here. Time is valuable and not to be wasted.

 

You may be correct. xMM starts a new job Monday which will severely impact his workday 'free' time. In light of this, he probably chose to dump me and keep/find OOW. The path of least resistance. I kicked up too much of a stink and made life difficult for him.

 

Even more angry today.....

[BaileyB]

Then another uncomfortable discussion and he made it very clear, he wants to go NC with me so he can think about what HE wants, whether the M, me or try the single life. My money would be on the former.

 

Any man who said that to me, would have all the time and space he wanted... there would be no way that I would be waiting around for him to "chose me." This is just so disrespectful to you and the relationship you have shared.

 

But based on these boards, what he has done is very typical of many married men who get out of their marriage and chose to play the field rather than stay in the relationship with their OW. You have served your purpose and now the world is their oyster...

 

I'm sorry for your pain. Take care.

[gettingstronger]

FWIW- if it's HS graduation, it's not the end of parenting and a good time to leave-it's the start of a new chapter for the family and although different-it's probably as time intensive as any other phase of parenting.

 

Not sure how that fits in to what's going on with your situation- but it's worth noting.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I cried in the shower today. Never did that before. Huge, soul draining sobs. I'm sorry to keep coming here but there's nowhere else to go.

 

So alone. Have no real friends or family (fam all passed away). My kids are adults and have their own lives. This complete isolation and desperation sucks.

 

xMM skips off into the sunset and I'm picking up the shattered remains of my heart. Good times.

[BaileyB]

I cried in the shower today. Never did that before. Huge, soul draining sobs. I'm sorry to keep coming here but there's nowhere else to go.

 

So alone. Have no real friends or family (fam all passed away). My kids are adults and have their own lives. This complete isolation and desperation sucks.

 

xMM skips off into the sunset and I'm picking up the shattered remains of my heart. Good times.

 

I'm so sorry. I hope with time you are able to find someone who is worthy of your love. Best wishes.

[zanwalk]

I cried in the shower today. Never did that before. Huge, soul draining sobs. I'm sorry to keep coming here but there's nowhere else to go.

 

So alone. Have no real friends or family (fam all passed away). My kids are adults and have their own lives. This complete isolation and desperation sucks.

 

xMM skips off into the sunset and I'm picking up the shattered remains of my heart. Good times.

 

You do have friends here, we may not be physical friends but we are here all the same and ready to try and help you out of your low times. Don't give up, there are some wonderful people in the world as well as some really awful ones. Just keep posting here when you feel the need and we'll support you.

 

Hugs.

[travelbug1996]

Anger is good. Feel it. Go out find some new hobbies and make new friends. You can have a wonderful life, you just can't and probably have a life with him. Take control of your life and make it good.

 

Rock steady!

[Space Ritual]

You may be correct. xMM starts a new job Monday which will severely impact his workday 'free' time. In light of this, he probably chose to dump me and keep/find OOW. The path of least resistance. I kicked up too much of a stink and made life difficult for him.

 

Even more angry today.....

 

Nah, he is keeping you on the hook until he smoothes things over with his wife. He won't let you slide into obscurity that easily.

 

Sure he threw you under the bus, but not for long. When he wants to really get laid he'll be sniffing around you again. The question is do you allow that to happen and put yourself back at Square One?

 

While Guys tend to be aroused with what their eyes see, we are also pretty masterful in getting arousal from women after appealing to something that they want to hear. Women love with their ears, guys love with their eyes.

 

He'll come back sooner or later and try to sweet talk you again, take that to the bank.

 

Just do yourself a favor and block him on social media and go see a counselor to search for you Whys as to why you would choose to accept crumbs from a married man for close to a decade when you already knew in your heart of hearts that he would never drop his wife.

 

Good Luck.

[BreakingWave]

I cried in the shower today. Never did that before. Huge, soul draining sobs. I'm sorry to keep coming here but there's nowhere else to go.

 

...

 

xMM skips off into the sunset and I'm picking up the shattered remains of my heart. Good times.

 

W_D_I_D, I relate so much to both of your statements above that it is painful. We *are* here for you. If it were not for this forum (and one contributor who's become a really amazing offline sounding post) I would feel completely alone at times, too. Post as often as you like. Sometimes it's cathartic for me to post, and sometimes it's cathartic to read what's going on with everyone else. We're a community and you absolutely are a part of us. Hugs to you.

[jah526]

Just wanted to add that the main reason I kept going back to MM was loneliness, even when people were asking why I kept going back to him as he was such an a******. That's how lonely I was.

 

But I noticed as I started to break away that other really lovely people started coming into my life. I'm not sure if that was coincidence or if I just started to direct my energy more towards other people. Keep your eyes open for the good in others and you may be surprised.

 

There are many wonderful people here too, as I'm sure you are already aware. Find the good in yourself as well. Take care.

[smalltownwriter]

Overtaxed,

 

I have read some of your posts, and all of them seem to reflect your frustration with your wife's affair, which is completely understandable. It almost sounds, though, like you are writing them for her to read. To punish her. In order to show her her place. How stupid she was. Again: very understandable...you are hurt.

 

Anyhow: You seem to be quite obsessed with the fact that men lie all the time in order to get sex. I think that might be true for some, because we are all different, but look at long-term As, they usually include not only sex, but a certain degree of commitment (which is of course restricted by the primary relationship a.k.a. the marriage), intimacy in other areas other than the bedroom, helping each other out. Going on trips together, sharing emotional stuff, having daily communication, etc. I would assume that this would be a lot of effort just in order to keep the sex coming. I'm just not buying it. Seems like too much work. Sure - there might be players around that have read all the PUA books, but I don't think anybody with a normal mindset has that much time to pick up chicks and have one night stands all the time when they're on a business trip or whatever. You also claim that your buddies or coworkers and all the horny men you know share sex stories about their affair partners and show pictures around, which is completely the opposite of what I am familiar with. It is just not true. Most men try to keep their As secret - because they don't want to get busted. They want to keep their reputation intact, while figuring out what to do with those two women. One is the wife and one is the lover. How and if to dissolve a long-term M, what are you gonna do with the kids what are you gonna do with the assets – nobody wants anybody to know anything about those things, while you're in limbo (and yes, MM are struggling, too).

 

In case of the OP, all I can say is that I feel very very sorry for her, after seven years – again – I do not think it was ONLY all about the sex for him. I'm sure he was dreaming about a future with her, too, otherwise he wouldn't have made all these promises, invested all this time and effort, but unfortunately at the end of the day he couldn't follow through, because he just couldn't make it work due to whatever reasons. Finances, family bonds, people being disappointed, kids being devastated, his wife, fear of the unknown, etc.

 

I'm sure that some of the promises he made were sincere. But when it comes down to following through, many cannot pull the plug, because divorce is hard. Especially for a man. That doesn't mean, though, that they were consciously misleading the affair partner. It just means that they wanted something different in their lives, but they were too scared to follow through. And about that, they will feel bad for the rest of their lives. And the OW will disrespect them for the rest of HER life. And he's afraid of that and he's embarrassed about that. And he will forever be feeling weak.

 

He will be forever feeling weak? GOOD.

[whichwayisup]

I cried in the shower today. Never did that before. Huge, soul draining sobs. I'm sorry to keep coming here but there's nowhere else to go.

 

So alone. Have no real friends or family (fam all passed away). My kids are adults and have their own lives. This complete isolation and desperation sucks.

 

xMM skips off into the sunset and I'm picking up the shattered remains of my heart. Good times.

 

Between anger and tears, you're going to be okay. This is a huge grieving process, so just go with it. Just know as time goes on the pain will get less and less. Do reach out to your kids, even though they have their own lives they love you and will support you, spend time with you etc. Maybe a visit will a good distraction.

 

Keep posting on here.

[MickeyBill]

You both were in the A together, so I am sure that he is missing you too.

Sounds like he may be testing the waters...trying to gauge if you'll jump back in. Keep strong and don't engage. The more you stay NC the more it'll bother him as he is not in control.

 

Keep posting, the collective experience here as seen everything and has handled it in the best/worst ways and has every mistake.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Thank you everyone for your support yesterday. It means so much to me, especially coming from a group of internet friends.

 

Still NC. It had been mentioned that xMM will come around when it's time for s*x. He absolutely, 100% will not. His ego is too big to admit there is a need for that, or even a need for me.

 

God I hope today is a better day.

[bealigerent]

Wow, you have been putting your energy into something for a very long time, and no wonder you feel drained. You have hardwired yourself into a relationship that seems to have been all one-way. It's time you made YOU number one.