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No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 13th February 2005, 2:32 PM   #1
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No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

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Old 13th February 2005, 2:49 PM   #2
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no foolin

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- The Joker, Batman (1989)
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Old 13th February 2005, 3:12 PM   #3
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Wow that is the best thing anyone has said on these forums. It has given me a personal boost and I am thanking you for it. There is no doubt I will be more hurt in the future but I am glad there are people with this kind of insight to help me out. It is a struggle, but your post made me feel alive again and made me smile, which is something I took for granted when I was with my ex. Personally I feel like getting out and running even though it is raining!
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Old 13th February 2005, 3:58 PM   #4
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Good post.

I will still be hanging out with my ex on Valentines Day though.
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Old 13th February 2005, 8:13 PM   #5
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I agree that contacting your ex is a bad idea if they broke up with you. No matter what you are going to feel hurt over the break up. Calling them and letting them know about this or calling to talk about it won't make you feel better. They know where you live and know how to get in touch, so if anybody contacts anyone it should be them. This is a hard and painful fact about break ups. After the break up you're going to feel so much pain and it won't be alleviated by calling them. It won't feel better to not call them either. Waiting out the pain and moving on in your life is the only way to get over them. And that in itself is painful. So there you go. Break ups hurt, no matter what. It is like grieving a death. But waking the dead won't bring the person back.

Good post OP.
"Love many, trust a few, but learn to paddle your own canoe."
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Old 14th February 2005, 1:30 AM   #6
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you are so right about the no contact.
what you said was inspiring but it's still a struggle...
My ex and I broke up about a month ago, but all my stuff is still in his apartment. I haven't bothered picking it up, I know I'm holding on to something and can't seem to let go..
anyways we've been pretty much talking everyday b/c we said we were going to be friends, and it's
been alright for the most part and then i saw him yesterday and all the progress I made was ruined..
so back to square one..
so NC is my next step. like I said I don't know if I should just go and get all my stuff, but it's a hassle for me right now. I'm away at school right now and the last thing I have time for is this!!!
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Old 14th February 2005, 6:47 AM   #7
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Great post mate!!
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Old 14th February 2005, 7:23 AM   #8
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Yes, harsh words but wise ones. I wish I had heard them the day I was dumped - would have saved me a lot of heartache.

Diet and exercise make good projects, btw. I have lost 4 kilos since 1 January and look and feel a lot trimmer. Attended a wedding over the weekend and had lots of nice comments from people who haven't seen me in a few months.
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Old 14th February 2005, 9:23 AM   #9
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This was a great post! Thanks. I would also like to add one thing:

The past is the past. You can not hold on to the things they have said or done, as that is part of the past. It doesn't matter if they said you are the love of their lives, it doesn't matter what endearments they have uttered ... you must go on with what they said at the time of break up. They don't want you to be a part of their lives for whatever reason ... remember that.

And I agree with the no contact. I had made contact over and over again, even knowing that I shouldn't have ... but if they are the ones who walked away then they are the ones who have to be the ones to walk back. And of course, they do know how to contact you (when and if they ever want too).

Good luck to all. Oh and Happy Valentine's Day.
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Old 14th February 2005, 9:58 AM   #10
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roger that...
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Old 14th February 2005, 2:47 PM   #11
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Glad I could help people, I should print these on index cards and hand them out so people can carry them in their wallets or use them as coasters lol. Hey I learned all this stuff from you guys during the course of a few months and many, many conversations with different folks, it works
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Old 14th February 2005, 4:42 PM   #12
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What about sending them the nastiest email??? Does that help?

See the thing is... I'm stinging for the 'I lost' mentality..... when I could really ruin her life with a simple phonecall/visit to her mother revealing every little detail about our relationship...... but that would be evil.... and that would probably get her thrown out of her house......

See....... heh..... what a life.
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Old 14th February 2005, 4:50 PM   #13
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Excellent post 'NF' i think as long as LS is here i dont need anyone....

and posts like this and ppl like you makes LS that special...
Love!!~ WTF is that ???
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Old 16th February 2005, 9:32 AM   #14
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So very true, so very true....great post Nofoolin. When you get it printed out on those index cards, send me a few.
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Old 16th February 2005, 12:34 PM   #15
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I have had 2 go arounds with my current ex and here's the story. She broke up with her boyfriend to get with me and we were together for a year. After we broke up, she went back to him but we still stayed in contact with each other for a while. In Dec. of 2003, her boyfriend was killed in an accident while on the job and she contacted me a short while after that and we stayed in contact for maybe a few weeks and then it stopped. Fast foward 5 months to May 2004 and she starts calling me. We hang out and I come to find out she is with a guy who has escaped from jail in Mississippi (we are in North Carolina) and he is at the time being held in the local jail for extradition. I guess he was there for her after her boyfriend got killed and that's why she said she fell in love with him and by the time she found out about his troubles with the law, it was too late. So we start hanging out and after about 4 months of talking to her and trying to make her realize that this guy isn't worth it, she breaks up with him and moves back in with me, this is around the beginning of September. She tries to avoid all contact with him and for about a month he doesn't try to call or nothing. Now when October comes, he starts to call and after about 2 weeks of talking to him, she breaks it off with me to get back together with him. After about month in Nov, she decides again to break it off with him and after about two weeks, she decides to get back together and finally on Dec. 20th, she moved away to Mississippi to be with him (he was released Dec. 14th). She is still there by the way so don't say that not contacting your ex won't work, but I also realize that this is different. If he had not been taken away so suddenly like he was, then I feel that their realtionship would have probably come to a conclusion by itself just because of the fact that she mentioned many things that this guy did when they were together that bothered her. I mean to talk to her with her "blinders" on and off was like talking to two different people and when they were off, she seemed a little disgusted at the fact she was with somebody like that. But when they were on, it was like talking to a brick wall. Maybe she feels sorry for the guy and that's how he got her back, I don't know because I couldn't get through to her anymore. She did call me in January to say everything was alright and also asked how I was doing, but I come to find out through a friend of hers here that they were fighting that night and she was thinking of coming back. That's the only time she has attempted to call me or her friend by the way. A week later I spoke with her friend and she told me she called her to ask how things were and that now she wants to stay so who knows what's going on in her head or in Mississippi because she won't let on. I assume that this guy is controlling her just like before.
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