No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.

August 21, 2005

No Foolin

Wasn't that stick of gum originally brand new & untouched unlike her & yes it would be gross to pry it out of his mouth & chew on it..,

but if i had a car, an old one with potential, , that i could work on it & make it into a majestic classic that was worth it's weight in gold, i'd had it ages, loved it, was part of me, had it ages & i parked it up & returned & it had gone, i'd try my hardest to find that car, because i know it was something i'd set my sights on working on & creating that classic that would have more charachter & quality than any car around & i wasn't going to go buy a boring old family saloon to replace it until there was 100% no chance of finding it or it was found burned out! Just because someone else sat in it's seat, don't mean i can't anymore!

The flavour of chewed gum dissapearing is hardly the same as reconciliation, afterall isn't love supposed to be better second time around, like visiting a foreign country on vacation, just as your about to leave, your getting used to it & then you leave, you return to the same place the following year or whenever & you know your way around more & won't make any mistakes finding the good parts about it.

Does that mean nobody is ever going to want her if she becomes a free agent again, just because she's been with someone else, she's all chewed up!

I'm still gonna be there for her, she knows i care & my commitments i offer & hope this don't work between them, as many think it won't.

If something comes along in the meantime for me, yes, i'll give it a go, but if this charmer hadn't arrived, showing his peacock feathers & flashing his cash, making her feel good like i admit i wasn't doing, we would still be together working stuff out!

Our situation was at a low, bigtime, yes it's raw & i'm upset at myself as to what i seem to have lost, but we aren't at war, there's no bad feeling. Time may change, & i'm not saying i will never be with anyone else, just i'm still keeping my eye on this situation. When i saw her the other day, it hurt yeh!,, cos i realised how stupid & angry with myself i was, she looked so good & i was proud as always to be with her. Nobody knows the future!

August 21, 2005

Caring Guy,

We are similiar in that we are both hanging on with a thread of hope. It's absolutely torturous thinking about someone you've broken up with and were in love with, being off with another. Our stories are different but the pain of loss is the hardest thing is for the most part the same.

I now know why NC was imperative, it's to heal...I thought I could dabble and bend the concept and got hurt more. Don't initiate contact, because it's false hope..that could lead to more pain and punishing yourself in the process trying to figure out how it all went wrong and who she was with..walk away. Spare yourself undue heartache.

August 21, 2005

caring guy i agree with you on a lot of levels and enjoyed reading your response post. i want to believe romance and love can conquer all. sometimes its not too late..and afterall someone has to be the one to try (but sooner or later both have to comply). I also feel for what no foolin is saying....and i read his posts like hes talking to me personally in order to help give me the strength to wean my thoughts and emotions away from the cold stranger i now know (or dont know)... my ex.

here is the question, i think one really has to ask themselves (in the past and over time)

..............Was this person a "Classic" Jerk? (a lot of the times?)

and if they cant love me back, will i be a "Classic" Lamenter?

if after you did try everything within reason to get a person back, and they dont want or love you, maybe its best to start asking yourself 2 these questions because it might help make it easier to heal and "move away".

PS. i dont like when people say "move on". it has a tone that tends to minimize separating yourself from something that was huge in your life. so maybe start with "moving away"....before you finally "move on".

there are different ways to move away from classic cars and gum, if they turn out to not be worth it. 1) dont admire them from afar especially since you cant have them. they refuse to want you. that doesnt make you bad and them great. 2) dont sell your soul for them. 3)look away from them a little more each day.

not sure what comes after that. i am only at this place right now.

nothing is really black and white in life , i know. but some things are clearly more obvious than others. when someone is really mean, cold, pulling away a lot, igoring you, stroking you to get rid of you, telling you they dont want you and sticking with someone else..i think its time, to ask yourself how much are you willing to give over to the classic car gum or whatever, and just how much pain and rejection you are willing to endure?

anyway, i feel for everyone who has loved and lost someone they continue to love. it pretty much sux.

i feel like forrest gump now, because......

thats all i have to say about that.

August 21, 2005

At Peace, i have been through this before & time has healed, i tryed too hard to get her back by pushing way too hard, i've learned from that.

This time however, this girl has not told me to stay away, i know the more i see her the more pain i will suffer knowing that she is with another.

She told me had she not met this other guy, we may be still together & trying to sort things out! & i know it would be much better as i'm overcoming my problems, which were reason we drifted. I do feel this guy she's with considering his age will not be around long, i don't know, or my ex will miss me over time. She told me she can't imagine life without me. I know i'm just hoping, & sound a jerk, but i love her so much & my actions have done this, i screwed up, so i have to give it a go, or i'll never forgive myself.

Ifiknewthen, it is so fresh for me at the moment, last time i felt this way, i didn't tell myself to move away, it happened in my head naturally.

What you say about them being mean, pulling away, these things she is saying are true, how she felt, not necessarily true as to how i felt at the time, she was bringing things up that we'd argued over & made peace on afterwards!

This one night when we had a big argument & alcohol was involved & i said we will always be like this & i don't care, i said as i was pigheaded & that is the night she thought she ddn't care as much & if someone approached her, she'd give it a go, she didn't look for it!, this is why i know we would be together now if he hedn't turned up & we'd be workinng on it.

It was too late the other day to see her & for her to believe me changing my ways, we still have lots of stuff at each others places & she wanted us to 'be as we used to be", on this meeting we had, but i brought it all up, too soon for me, if i'd just been my jokey self & not mentioned it, it could be all different now. One foot back in the door.

When she says she's met someone else & given his age & comitment he says he has at his age, i think it's better the devil you know, than the one you don't! & i want to give it some time for us to be at least at a stage (as friends) when we can be in each others company & at least be how we were when we first met & see how things go! People do reconcile & even re-marry.

August 21, 2005

"...when someone is really mean, cold, pulling away a lot, igoring you, stroking you to get rid of you, telling you they dont want you and sticking with someone else..i think its time, to ask yourself how much are you willing to give over to the classic car gum or whatever, and just how much pain and rejection you are willing to endure?

IfiKnewThen,

When I read your post, I was reminded my last encounter with my ex, and how I had deluded myself into thinking it would be different but the more I revealed I still harboured feelings of love for him he literally became viserally cold, pulled away, and spewed "I don't ever want to go back to anything we had before." What shocked me more was his tone. It was almost vile. Mind you we had been quite physical and intimate only the night before and he's the one who maintained contact via e-mails, so the venom in his tone was shocking. where did it come from? I was crushed all over again. As I kept seeing the body and shape of the man who was my ex lover but the voice and anger was this hate-filled stranger. I could not understand what happened to make him deliberately cruel. I thought of your two questions and see that I can not endure rejection of this magnititude again.

August 21, 2005

At Peace

What you say here is so right, the night before my s/o went on holiday with her family (before i found out about him), we were very intimate in bed, kissed, cuddled etc.

Whilst she was away, i found out & when she returned, this warm lovable person changed so much! Ok we hugged, but for me she was still my gf & when we talked i instinctly touched her knee & arm as i'm so used to & she puled away, this was so upsetting, her tone of voice too!! Harder & more aggressive/

Since, my s/o has said to me that whilst your showing too much that you want to be with someone,that your trying too hard, naturaly they will back off & if i was in her shoes, i would too!

But when we can act together as we did when we are relaxed, friends & like we were after a meal we had during her time of 'space' & she said "this is the you that i love", then & only then, when i'm not trying can there be any chance of getting back again.

You have to make her fancy you again, as she did when we first met!

These were her words to me, so next time we meet, i have to be my jovila self, make her laugh & make her remember that the me she does love is there & she misses & the me she don't like, is far gone!

August 21, 2005

Caring Guy,

To me the whole hot and cold episode was hurtful and shocking. How could someone I'd been intimate with suddenly lash out at me, when ok, I admittingly was being affectionate, but neither was I twisting his arm in receiving that affection. It was the juggling the two extremes and I was struggling to I comprehend it. suddenly I became the culprit when they give mixed signals. I'm glad I wrote about this because I was walking around with alone and had it bottled up inside me. Playing out that strange scenario and not getting it. I was exposing my feelings openly to be stepped on cruelly.

August 21, 2005

At Peace

It's amazingly similar to my situation.

This is why when we next see our s/o's, we have to show restrained (i'll have to see her).

After the official split, i say her 5 days later & i knew that her & him had been intimate sexualy in the bed i still saw as ours & it was too much too soon.

All i said & did wasn't good, i was overcome. The weather was hot, she looked hot, i knew & saw what i'd lost & who someone else was being intimate was such hard emotional pain & the inevitable happened. Yes i was exposing myself to be stepped on, like you, but it was my fault that i brought stuff up & it could have been a totaly different situation.

If only i'd been cool & made her laugh as usual instead of what happened!

I too walk around with stuff bottled up & nobody to talk to, thinking how this person that i made love to the night before she went away, could return like this! all i can do is post here & i shall continue!, but i'm off to bed now.

There's a saying that we hurt most, the ones we love!

Take care, At Peace

CG

August 22, 2005

Ok everyone we need to take a deep har look.

Just STOP!

Let me tell you my quick story. Met a girl in the states. Dated 2 years. I Moved to Norway for her. I have been here two years. A month ago she left me for another guy. Kicked me out. Now I am on my own in Norway. I have a job and a life. I have not even talked to her since the day she broke up with me. Havent called, text message or anything.

Why?

Because I am better than that.

Let me tell you what I have done to ease the pain.

1. Started working out like a mad man. Running 15 kilometers a day. Lifting weights just working out like crazy!

2. Doing new things: I have went bowling 5 times in the last 2 weeks. I have never went bowling in my life. But it is fun as hell.

3. War movies: Yes I said war movies. You think you got it bad with a freaking broken heart. Well put on a war movie like Black hawk down. Yeah your lucky with that broken heart. Look at all the service men over in Iraq dying right now. Would you rather be there? Nahh im good.

4. Get out. I mean I do not drink Alcohol. But I still go out to the bars. I meet people. It is fun as hell.

5. Just have the I dont give a SH¤% attitude. Why in the hell would you want someone that doesnt want to be with you. And NO NO NO NO you can not be her friend. I was with my EX for 4 freaking years and I gave her everything. When she broke up with me. I just turned the switch off. I havent even talked to her in a month. Do I care. NOPE. Do I miss her....well yes...But I dont care. I will heal and I will move on. It just takes time. Trust me.

6. Do something extreme: The other day I went white water rafting, yesterday I was waterskiing. I mean try to get out and do stuff that you have never done before.

Go to your mirror and tell yourself that you are one bad mother F(¤/#&¤ and your not going to deal with her **** anymore. I dont know why in the begining I never called her. Personally I just didnt know what I would say when I would call. NOW after one month of being apart I am feeling so much better. I am doing stuff. And also I am a teacher so I mean I am busy all day. I know I am a good catch. I am a nice guy and I will find someone one day. IF I dont then that is how it was supposed to be. LIVE AND LET DIE! You have to live and let your past die. Move forward. Dont take any steps backwards. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and months turn into years. Sit down realx and stop thinking about it. I stopped about a week ago. I am totally great now. Take it from me NO CONTACT works. I am almost healed.

August 23, 2005

waitingwaitingonyou...

your story is amazing. You're saying you didn't feel in the least bit crushed or heartbroken or confused. Be honest here. You had deep feelings for this girl and this breakup didn't throw you? I wonder if I can ever get to a stage where I'm not stinging from the pain of my ex. I am doing as much as I can to take my mind off of what happened but somehow it always feels like I'm lying to myself that I am going through the motions when I really feel like my guts have been kicked in.

August 23, 2005

Well the first 3 days were tough I will admit that. But after that I kept telling myself Why in the hell would I want a girl that would treat me like that. I am way better than this. I also kept busy as much as possible. I did things with friends, myself, and just kept busy. Just Stay calm. I had alot of help on this site too. It has almost been a month since the breakup and I have not initiated an ounce of contact. I will not. WHy. Because I am better than that. If she wants to talk to me she knows where I live. She knows my number. She can call me. I am not going to deal with it. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and talk to myself a little bit too. I know it sounds wierd but it works. I also am a teacher so I am putting alot of time in my work. I am so busy i never have time to think about her. I want to be the best teacher in the world. I want to do projects these kids have never done. Stay positive. Your better than her. You dont need her. You can do this. Keep an open mind. You will find someone...You found her....You will find a new one. Get out ....Work out. make new friends. Work hard. Good things happen to good people!!!

August 23, 2005

I remember your old post and you had a tough time of it

So glad to hear that you're doing so well nowadays!!!!

August 23, 2005

waitingwaitingonyou,

my ex is actually a guy. And I believe you I guess I am in awe. I do have moments when I think Why do I want to be with a guy who really wasn't kind or sensitive in how he even broke it off with me. I'm clinging to the memory of what he was I supose. I was also making up excuses to make him out to be the partner I would like to be. Could it be that because you are a guy you have an ability to cut and severe and distance yourself and I am that ever classic version of clingly teary female. I know I am beautiful and fanatastic and I feel foolish that I allow myself to be hurt by someone I thought I thought I loved.

August 23, 2005

waitingwaitingonyou,

my ex is actually a guy. And I believe you I guess I am in awe. I do have moments when I think Why do I want to be with a guy who really wasn't kind or sensitive in how he even broke it off with me. I'm clinging to the memory of what he was I supose. I was also making up excuses to make him out to be the partner I would like to be. Could it be that because you are a guy you have an ability to cut and severe and distance yourself and I am that ever classic version of clingly teary female. I know I am beautiful and fanatastic only now I feel foolish that I allow myself to be hurt by someone I thought I loved.

August 23, 2005

Hey girl! You need to stay positive. Your better than him. If you get down just look at all the good things in your life. You cant let a person change you. Keep being yourself. Sooner or later he will regret it. Personally right now I could give a rats a¤¤ what she is doing. I do not even want to hear her name. The past is the past. I am single now and this break up was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I have a great job. A nice apartment and I am living in a beautiful country with beautiful women all around me. Head up and smile. If you wanna talk on MSN or AIM we can talk just send me your screen name. I would like to talk to you and help you. You can do this stay strong. I hate to sound liek 2pac but you need to keep your head up. The will to suceed will only feed your hunger.

August 23, 2005

I used to think that life had a plan for me but now I think life has to be planned by me. See that is the key. I only deal with what I can see. Because over history, mystery has brought us nothing but misery.

The key!

You need to help you find yourself. Sometime i know if feels like your outside of your body and you just looking at everything crumbling around you. Well get back in the game and control your future. Dont let someone else do that.

Remeber that Diamonds dont blink in the dark. Sooner or later everything is going to fall apart for him. He better have some good shoes because he is going to need them when he is walking on all those burnt brideges. Its hot!

August 23, 2005

thank you waitingwaitingonyou,

your posts and others with similiar rational views about taking steps to recover are without a doubt valid and perfect sound. I guess I am just for lack of a better phrase shell shocked. I 'm trying to figure out how someone I met and fell for suddenly has done a 180 on me. I mean and I tried so hard to love him more and still it didn't meant nothing to him. I know people break up and get over their former loves but its truly mindboggling how painful it is to deal with it all and get on day to day. I have to focus, I know it but its so hard. It just so damn hard. People shouldn't have to go through this.

So with that said I can only keep moving away from this as best I can. I will do it

August 23, 2005

Hi all

Been away 2 days & seen lots more posts about our ex's.

Most of us are slagging off how bad we were treated by our ex's, that we are better off without, we'll move on & get better!

At Peace, i too am shell shocked & 3 weeks later, my pain as your is unbearable & we feel in a massive void has arrived!,but all of you, i am not surprised at this situation of mine, i was just complacent & stupid as it was ALL MY FAULT!!!

I took her for granted, was too keen on my red wine (now 1 months alcohol free, as i know it isn't for me) & didn't make her feel special to me, & others stuff!

She still loves me, tells me in texts & i initiated the no contact thing for a week & she called me, i didn't answer my mobile phone, as i was in the barbers & i noticed 3 missed calls!

We still have stuff of each others so i called her back & she thought that i was ignoring her, so the push & pull theory seemed to work.

We chatted on the phone, i emphasised my commitment, she came to meet me & said she was now very cconfused at what she wants & was crying!.

2 weeks ago, we met to exchange keys & we rowed & that was that, over, we called each other names we didn't mean & i thought i'd never see her again, but here we were meeting in town, had coffee, did shopping, i'd had my haircut, looked good, we walked arm in arm, i didn't push, she initiated the arm in arm, i told her of my issues i'm sorting & we went to a bar, drank orange, sat & cuddled, we were having a laugh, rebounding of each other so well & then we parted, i had an incling she wanted me to go back to hers, but i didn't!

I saw her again today, the atmosphere wasn't as good as before, as it wasn't on neutral territory & she had stuff to do in the house! she said i wouldn't be there if she didn't want me to prove her i can improve myself, for myself & reconciliation, which is 100 miles from where we were 2 weeks ago!

Now there's a thread of hope! When we were at a low, big time & this guy made her feel good that is in previous posts, she will still see! She doesn't love him, sees it as a fling, just she needs someone in her life with a bit more ambition than me & without as many issues, but wants that to be me, but can't end it with him & then i let her down.

I admit, i messed up big style with lots of our 17 months together, but there were good times & i know we can have a good future together, the 'me' she loveso much i showed when we met, i just need to keep it up & vanquish my issues!

No, i'm not going to totally ignore prospective girls that may come along, but i am also treating this as a kind of project, that i built wrong, have taken to pieces & am now in the process of rebuilding!

She says that if roles were reversed, she would improve herself, prospects, issues, not just for the relationship but for myself & that i'm not a mugg for fighting for my girl who i love to pieces! Over time i intend to show her my self improvement & as she knows i'm there for her, her family & comitment, engagement etc which is intended for the future.

She has told this guy, that she intends to see me too, he isn't happy, but thats what she wants & i'm not gonna let her down!

August 24, 2005

No new contacts = No new hurts

August 24, 2005

It takes 8 weeks to break a habit.......

August 24, 2005

As i said, my s/o didn't have to call me! she has had a change of heart & now no longer thinks it's the end between us!

She said i wouldn't be sat next to her in her house if she didn't mean it!

The NC rule worked, she missed me in the time i didn't contact her & she instigated it.!

Before i thought that was it after we argued, now i know it's up to me when we meet to be the 'me' she loves, the one without the certain issues i am resolving & that i can show her i have what it takes to have a 'future' with, that is happy & fruitful, because the 'me' of 3-4 months ago, wasn't that person.

I've just seen a councelor & a friend, they both say go with your heart & my heart tells me that i was hugely responsible for this situation, i broke it & intend to fix it.

This is a million miles away from last week, it just shows what a week can do!, One minute we hated each other & couldn't say a nice thing & were shouting, i was pushing & a week later, we're in a cafe & were walking arm in arm!

Lots of posts here are about getting over the loss of a relationship, No Contact & letting go!

I understand this, but now i have new hope & there will be hurt as it's not going to be an overnight thing!

NO PAIN NO GAIN!!

August 24, 2005