Meeting Ex soon... how to proceed?

[Goodguy05]

I do think I was a bit codependent, but I can't lie that all those messages I received the other day have left me shaken. I don't believe me things she said, but its hard not to take them to heart. I am sensitive sometimes and being involved with this girl has heightened that.

 

I think telling her she may have a disorder and needs help was a huge mistake - every time we spoke since she managed to bring it up in almost a mocking tone.

 

She's sounds like my ex. She's doing this to gain a sense of control. She has in fact been dumped u setting the boundaries and her chasing has effectively reversed the roles. She does doesn't deal wth rejection well that's my ex too. Don't make the mistake I made I kept taking her back wen her situation improved and she lin3d up all her ducks she dumped me wen in fact our relationship probably shld of finished a long time ago. She was highly manipulative. Let me guess she throws out a lot of guilt trips "how can u do this to me" etc etc. That's my ex u know wat happened wen she dumped me she didn't care and was as cold as ice and now Starated seeing a coworker she doesn't care because she's fine now. Be careful taking this one bac that barrage of guilt thrown texts is not love it's her wanting to regain control. Maintain those boundaries and walk.

[Goodguy05]

Hmm that's a good question. I wonder what exactly i am getting at, I say stuff off sheer instinct mostly.

 

I guess I mean that the on again off again push pull, the extreme manipulation, gaslighting, control and constant blaming you for her stuff I get the impression has shaken your trust in your own instincts, in your belief of what is right and wrong and has left you with a lot of internal conflict. Among other things obviously.

 

And it makes me angry. You are clearly a kind, intelligent thoughtful self aware person and I can see the glimpses of the strong character that defined you prior to this but that persons "voice" is a little shaken.

 

It makes me see that it is harder to heal from this BPD like woman's ministrations than from non BPD like people because the same techniques she used to undermine you and confuse you to control you are the ones that mean you have so much more self doubt than before and are trying to find out all over again where appropriate boundaries are because she had like none and now you're vigilant about it.

 

I am angry that someone exploited another's healthy humility for their own ends and left that person shaken and not as strong in themselves and without their previous trust in their own instincts, impulses, ability to set boundaries, trust in others. Everything.

 

It is going to be really challenging to heal clean from this in a way that means you can form happy relationships without carrying through the damage she did.

 

And that sucks.

 

Does that make sense? It's often really hard for me to put my mostly felt impressions into words and go back and work out what has made me draw conclusions.

 

I'm totality not infallible. I literally just pick up unconciously on clues and patterns and link them to previous experiences or situations or knowledge. It's not a concious step by step process. To me these impressions just appear fully formed in my brain and most of the time people think they are reasonably accurate. I can't actually claim any credit or have much reason to believe people should trust them, I just do. Have trust in my instincts and judgements and the longer I've trusted them the better they are.

 

Yes I feel l8ke this the damage she's done im worried im gonna bring that again to the next relationship one thing I've learnt always heal before initiating a new relationship there was to much baggage that I took into the last one because of a previous one where there was cheating and lying now this one again trust issues. God I pray I don't hav major trust issues going into the next one i dont wanna sabotage the next relationship

[EmilyJane]

I'm sorry guys, I want to help I'm just not doing very well at coping myself now.

 

He's so sick. I've never seen anyone that sick before.

 

 

I promise I will be back and reply properly as soon as I can.

 

I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of this pit and I can't tell if I'm imagining the little light from the exit I can't reach. Trapped. Scared.

 

So lonely.

[EmilyJane]

Wow, this post is powerful. Been reading it and wanting to give it a reply that serves it justice.

 

I can't deny that this experience has changed my outlook on things - I think I have become more cynical about interactions with other people and if I'm honest less trusting and willing to wear my heart on my sleeve like before. Some of her actions led me to be quite secretive. And I think the behaviour I exhibited is something I look back on and it doesn't make... like myself?

 

You are clearly a kind, intelligent thoughtful self aware person and I can see the glimpses of the strong character that defined you prior to this but that persons "voice" is a little shaken. - if somebody on an online forum can see this, then hopefully other people in my life can. You were right to say that and it is something I KNOW and BELIEVE is true but don't always remember or put into action. Ironically, this girl noticed these things too. I remember a tender moment we once shared where she said 'I love the [my name] who is kind and gentle and makes me laugh'. Before I didn't quite realise girls particularly like gentle guys but it gave me confidence to be myself.

 

I think you are also correct in saying it will take time to rebuild boundaries and not project what has happened onto other girls (may have already been guilty of that). The intensity is something I've particularly noticed that I've missed. It's hard to describe, but during intense arguments about how we felt it made me feel alive. If she does in fact have strong BPD symptoms then she will no doubt have feelings this strong for plenty of other guys. I do remember her saying once that there 'was nobody ever been in her life like me' and 'only you can make me feel like this'. I don't think I believe that, and it is irrelevant going forward anyway, but it all fits with having never felt something so intense before.

 

Thank you again, that post was amazing!

 

All my partners have been tall athletic intelligent guys who are gentle and sensitive.

 

other women will appreciate who you are when you are ready.

 

I'm sure other people in your life can see it but I think that is irrelevant right now, you need to see it.

 

I think you did project and I think it would be unavoidable for anyone to do so in your circumstance. Work with your counsellor on getting through this aftermath. Then it will eventually be baggage that new girls won't be obliged to wear.

 

It's going to be ok.

[ML Hammer95]

All my partners have been tall athletic intelligent guys who are gentle and sensitive.

 

other women will appreciate who you are when you are ready.

 

I'm sure other people in your life can see it but I think that is irrelevant right now, you need to see it.

 

I think you did project and I think it would be unavoidable for anyone to do so in your circumstance. Work with your counsellor on getting through this aftermath. Then it will eventually be baggage that new girls won't be obliged to wear.

 

It's going to be ok.

 

I think other people appreciate that more than I do anyway. It's like how I'm convinced I have a fat face while everybody else thinks I'm lean and fit!

 

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time recently. It's okay to just focus on yourself right now, I have no news about this ex anyway and it's more important to put yourself first!

[EmilyJane]

I think other people appreciate that more than I do anyway. It's like how I'm convinced I have a fat face while everybody else thinks I'm lean and fit!

 

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time recently. It's okay to just focus on yourself right now, I have no news about this ex anyway and it's more important to put yourself first!

 

Well then that's what you should focus on in counselling at least in part, being less self critical.

 

And i reckon with this ex no news is very good news indeed.

 

I had a pretty good day today actually. Lots of positive stuff right after a truly dreadful few days dealing with ex and ex fall out, it's on the coping thread.

 

Plus let's be honest, my whole life is a bit of a tough time right now so I can't let that stop me can I?

[ML Hammer95]

Most of the time I can push this to the back of my mind but sometimes I get deep into my feels. The counsellor I saw talked about the grieving process and I think I'm in the bargaining stage at the moment.

 

Since things broke off (at least in my mind), she has been in contact with me six or seven times wanting to talk to me. It feels like I've rejected her now, especially as it's been two weeks and I don't know if I'll hear from her again. On occasion, I have to really fight against the urge to contact her. I think she misses me, as I miss her, but I know I need to do this. To stay strong and not relent. Again, the intensity is the issue. I've never had something so intense and it meant the attachment between us was both quick and strong. And I can't help feeling I hurt her too which breaks my heart.

 

My biggest regret is that she always felt she was my back up or last resort when in my heart and head she was my number one. I can't lie - despite everything that happened the attachment is still there. And that says something about me. Its also not fair on other girls either... Its almost as if I'm using them to get over my ex and taking things fast so I can replace her in my head with someone else.

 

I struggle with the thought that someone cared that much about me and I let that go. Perhaps the arguments were because she cared so much and I let her down but she is easily annoyed and liable to explode.

 

Trouble I have now is I view other girls through different eyes now. Having tasted that close connection and intense feelings and the roller coaster of emotion I feel damaged. And picked up certain traits from her too.

 

The easy thing to do would be to contact her again but I cannot. Not gonna lie though, part of me wishes to hear from her again. And that's not healthy.

Edited April 20, 2017 by ML Hammer95

[EmilyJane]

Most of the time I can push this to the back of my mind but sometimes I get deep into my feels. The counsellor I saw talked about the grieving process and I think I'm in the bargaining stage at the moment.

 

Since things broke off (at least in my mind), she has been in contact with me six or seven times wanting to talk to me. It feels like I've rejected her now, especially as it's been two weeks and I don't know if I'll hear from her again. On occasion, I have to really fight against the urge to contact her. I think she misses me, as I miss her, but I know I need to do this. To stay strong and not relent. Again, the intensity is the issue. I've never had something so intense and it meant the attachment between us was both quick and strong. And I can't help feeling I hurt her too which breaks my heart.

 

My biggest regret is that she always felt she was my back up or last resort when in my heart and head she was my number one. I can't lie - despite everything that happened the attachment is still there. And that says something about me. Its also not fair on other girls either... Its almost as if I'm using them to get over my ex and taking things fast so I can replace her in my head with someone else.

 

I struggle with the thought that someone cared that much about me and I let that go. Perhaps the arguments were because she cared so much and I let her down but she is easily annoyed and liable to explode.

 

Trouble I have now is I view other girls through different eyes now. Having tasted that close connection and intense feelings and the roller coaster of emotion I feel damaged. And picked up certain traits from her too.

 

The easy thing to do would be to contact her again but I cannot. Not gonna lie though, part of me wishes to hear from her again. And that's not healthy.

 

 

I'm sorry, I go through this too. It's like your brain starts filtering out all the reasons you left.

 

I think a lot of it isn't actually about missing your ex but fear of being alone, of not meeting someone else.

 

The intensity was illusiory, manufactured to keep you addicted remember. And she was controlling and jealous and nasty and I think in a couple of months you will see that you spent a lot of time living for good times with her that were there less and less.

 

You will have passion with someone else who doesn't leave you shaken and suspicious and full of self doubt.

 

For me, that is the key - someone who loves you does absolutely not behave in ways that result in you feeling like that. Let alone control you, stop you seeking support elsewhere, ridicule you and never apologise and do it repeatedly.

 

You could try making a list of the less rosy reality with this girl for the times you are tempted if you think it would help.

 

And remember each day you refuse to allow her access to you is another step closer to the real love of your life. She won't have effect on you or your emotions or self esteem or on how you see other women forever, because you are doing the right thing buy getting support and going to counselling. You're doing really well and I for one am sure that you can do this.

[ML Hammer95]

I'm sorry, I go through this too. It's like your brain starts filtering out all the reasons you left.

 

I think a lot of it isn't actually about missing your ex but fear of being alone, of not meeting someone else.

 

The intensity was illusiory, manufactured to keep you addicted remember. And she was controlling and jealous and nasty and I think in a couple of months you will see that you spent a lot of time living for good times with her that were there less and less.

 

You will have passion with someone else who doesn't leave you shaken and suspicious and full of self doubt.

 

For me, that is the key - someone who loves you does absolutely not behave in ways that result in you feeling like that. Let alone control you, stop you seeking support elsewhere, ridicule you and never apologise and do it repeatedly.

 

You could try making a list of the less rosy reality with this girl for the times you are tempted if you think it would help.

 

And remember each day you refuse to allow her access to you is another step closer to the real love of your life. She won't have effect on you or your emotions or self esteem or on how you see other women forever, because you are doing the right thing buy getting support and going to counselling. You're doing really well and I for one am sure that you can do this.

 

It's interesting you say that the intensity was just manufactured and an illusion... to me that suggests that it wasn't real on her part. Even though she was the one who used the word intense to describe us. The way she thought about it was that she would 'fall' for what I was saying and that I only wanted to draw her close to me to hurt her. Said that I can play games so much better than her. I think her feelings were genuine, if incredibly toxic.

 

Part of the no contact has made me see that I am probably toxic too. The girl I have been 'talking to' recently described me as 'hard work'. That to me suggests that I need to step back from anything like that because it is me who is damaged.

 

someone who loves you does absolutely not behave in ways that result in you feeling like that. - this is spot on. There have been times where I have been on my own in my university bedroom, miles away from my family and close friends, in tears. Feeling isolated, alone and that nobody could help me. I even rung the Samaritans just to have an objective voice to talk too. My concern again is that this girl has said that I hurt HER too.

 

who doesn't leave you shaken and suspicious and full of self doubt. - that's the thing. Right now, I am full of self doubt.

 

And she was controlling and jealous and nasty and I think in a couple of months you will see that you spent a lot of time living for good times with her that were there less and less. - intellectually I can see that right now. But my heart doesn't. Right now it doesn't feel as if I will have a healthy relationship with someone else because all the insecurities this relationship bought up will still be there. And there'll be certain triggers that other people do that bring me straight back. Whoever told me this was akin to trauma has it spot on.

 

I do feel alone when it comes to this and I know that isn't healthy. I just don't know how to change it or come to terms with the fact I want to be better now.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/621003-feel-like-i-ve-messed-up-again

 

Just look at this thread... I feel like I'm projecting what has happened onto other people.

[EmilyJane]

I think it's a bit more complex than that sweetheart; I think you have lost your compass on what is an acceptable way to treat you because you've been conditioned to accept a lot worse.

 

Yes, she is always the victim. I'm sure you did do things that weren't always healthy but I'm willing to bet that you did not seek to manipulate her, isolate her from sources of support or opposing view points, ridicule her, or make her feel terrible about herself so thst you could control her.

 

She did all those things to you. Repeatedly.

 

My guess is you tried your best with limited resources abd experience in an extremely complex and abusive situation. That the worst you've done is try to escape, fix things, be occasionally passive aggressive and have some fuzzy boundaries. Very few people in this world could have done much better.

 

You did probably hurt her, but to her not being totally compliant with her control and control methods or trying to suggest she seeks help or even getting away from her control are all extremely painful for her. And that is totally unreasonable, not healthy and not acceptable.

 

I say illusory because that is how she convinces you you are special, it's what they do in the first part of convincing their newest source of adoration and validation that she is all yo need and have ever wanted.

 

I think it's time to read about borderline personality disorders in relationships again. Because now we are going over old ground.

 

Your heart will catch up with your head if you keep repeating it. Intellectual sinks to emotional with time and repetition. This will take time. Getting over this and healing clean will take lots of time and hard work.

[ML Hammer95]

I think it's a bit more complex than that sweetheart; I think you have lost your compass on what is an acceptable way to treat you because you've been conditioned to accept a lot worse.

 

Yes, she is always the victim. I'm sure you did do things that weren't always healthy but I'm willing to bet that you did not seek to manipulate her, isolate her from sources of support or opposing view points, ridicule her, or make her feel terrible about herself so thst you could control her.

 

She did all those things to you. Repeatedly.

 

My guess is you tried your best with limited resources abd experience in an extremely complex and abusive situation. That the worst you've done is try to escape, fix things, be occasionally passive aggressive and have some fuzzy boundaries. Very few people in this world could have done much better.

 

You did probably hurt her, but to her not being totally compliant with her control and control methods or trying to suggest she seeks help or even getting away from her control are all extremely painful for her. And that is totally unreasonable, not healthy and not acceptable.

 

I say illusory because that is how she convinces you you are special, it's what they do in the first part of convincing their newest source of adoration and validation that she is all yo need and have ever wanted.

 

I think it's time to read about borderline personality disorders in relationships again. Because now we are going over old ground.

 

Your heart will catch up with your head if you keep repeating it. Intellectual sinks to emotional with time and repetition. This will take time. Getting over this and healing clean will take lots of time and hard work.

 

I must admit I haven't done much reading on BPD in relationships lately, been keeping myself busy as possible at home. But, I have saved articles before and I will return to them. I don't want to keep going over the same ground as it must be infuriating to read!

 

I say illusory because that is how she convinces you are special, it's what they do in the first part of convincing their newest source of adoration and validation that she is all yo need and have ever wanted. - I'm not too sure on this part, as I can't think of any examples. But that's beside the point.

 

I agree with the rest of your post though and am thankful that you take my venting and see cohesive, succinct points. I will continue to focus on me! Hope all is well with you.

[EmilyJane]

I must admit I haven't done much reading on BPD in relationships lately, been keeping myself busy as possible at home. But, I have saved articles before and I will return to them. I don't want to keep going over the same ground as it must be infuriating to read!

 

I say illusory because that is how she convinces you are special, it's what they do in the first part of convincing their newest source of adoration and validation that she is all yo need and have ever wanted. - I'm not too sure on this part, as I can't think of any examples. But that's beside the point.

 

I agree with the rest of your post though and am thankful that you take my venting and see cohesive, succinct points. I will continue to focus on me! Hope all is well with you.

 

I'm sorry Bub, I did not mean to make you feel like you were wasting my time, like if I didn't want to reply I just wouldn't.

 

I meant more that I'm pretty sure someone already posted explaining about the intensity and ensnarement, I've just been flat out and not looked it up yet.

 

I'm not actually sure how things are with me. I'm cranky at being in a situation where my ex is so extremely ill that I'm basically forced to stay in contact and a bit like his mum until he stabilises. Like after everything. But everyone I speak to basically just agrees that it sucks and there's not really anything else I can do. I happened to see his referral to a specialist the other day and it described how he'd planned his suicide. So now when he's not been in contact and not returned a call about appointments I start getting very anxious.

 

And it's horrible because I still love him. Not so long ago we were getting engaged and starting a family.

 

Other than that I found someone who seems ok to move into the spare room and got a position teaching underprivileged kids for charity.

 

But I still feel like a bit of a f*ck up because I'm home alone on a Friday night.

 

Plus I'm beginning to get on edge that I will never have sex again. Because I just am not ready to date and I've got this suicidal hallucinating ex who shows up randomly needing help to function and wanting to hover about.

 

Edit: and now I've got annoyed at him for not calling back for four days after his GP has been contacting me to organise appointments. I was worried. That he was dead. But no. He's still active on whatsapp. So it's just me.

 

So I told him that it was unacceptable to ask me for help and to organise the psych stuff then ignore me for days and I had had enough of the drama and didn't want the stress.That he could find someone else to use as a security blanket and goodbye.

 

Then deleted him everywhere again.

 

F*ckkkkkkk

Edited April 21, 2017 by EmilyJane

[ML Hammer95]

I'm sorry Bub, I did not mean to make you feel like you were wasting my time, like if I didn't want to reply I just wouldn't.

 

I meant more that I'm pretty sure someone already posted explaining about the intensity and ensnarement, I've just been flat out and not looked it up yet.

 

I'm not actually sure how things are with me. I'm cranky at being in a situation where my ex is so extremely ill that I'm basically forced to stay in contact and a bit like his mum until he stabilises. Like after everything. But everyone I speak to basically just agrees that it sucks and there's not really anything else I can do. I happened to see his referral to a specialist the other day and it described how he'd planned his suicide. So now when he's not been in contact and not returned a call about appointments I start getting very anxious.

 

And it's horrible because I still love him. Not so long ago we were getting engaged and starting a family.

 

Other than that I found someone who seems ok to move into the spare room and got a position teaching underprivileged kids for charity.

 

But I still feel like a bit of a f*ck up because I'm home alone on a Friday night.

 

Plus I'm beginning to get on edge that I will never have sex again. Because I just am not ready to date and I've got this suicidal hallucinating ex who shows up randomly needing help to function and wanting to hover about.

 

Edit: and now I've got annoyed at him for not calling back for four days after his GP has been contacting me to organise appointments. I was worried. That he was dead. But no. He's still active on whatsapp. So it's just me.

 

So I told him that it was unacceptable to ask me for help and to organise the psych stuff then ignore me for days and I had had enough of the drama and didn't want the stress.That he could find someone else to use as a security blanket and goodbye.

 

Then deleted him everywhere again.

 

F*ckkkkkkk

 

I remember the panic when this girl said she was going to 'end everything' and that 'I had driven her to this'. Then straight after the messages stopped. My mind was racing... I didn't think she actually had done it but the longer it went the more the doubt crept in. Until I was awoken at 7am by the angriest phone call in my life - apparently from the hospital. Accusing me of all sorts, her rage actually frightened me. All the more amazing that about two weeks later we were back together. One time it was just words, the other time she did end up in hospital.

 

Surely the time has come to put yourself first? I mean you are putting your life on hold for this guy and it might be kinder to stop being his comfort blanket. Sounds like you have now, just got to stick to it!

[EmilyJane]

I remember the panic when this girl said she was going to 'end everything' and that 'I had driven her to this'. Then straight after the messages stopped. My mind was racing... I didn't think she actually had done it but the longer it went the more the doubt crept in. Until I was awoken at 7am by the angriest phone call in my life - apparently from the hospital. Accusing me of all sorts, her rage actually frightened me. All the more amazing that about two weeks later we were back together. One time it was just words, the other time she did end up in hospital.

 

Surely the time has come to put yourself first? I mean you are putting your life on hold for this guy and it might be kinder to stop being his comfort blanket. Sounds like you have now, just got to stick to it!

 

I think that is the tricky thing.

 

He's not threatening to do it. He's not manipulating me. He's not using it to control me.

 

He's terrified and very very sick, I wasn't meant to see this referral, the receptionist didn't realise we were de facto anymore.

 

So his doctors ideas were that since every single time his depression and anxiety has caused really extreme symptoms it's somehow related to me, that this latest episode started when I cut off contact and asked for a few months space, that until he was into specialist and stabilised on meds that I remain in contact.

 

And he asked for my help. He didn't know what to do and he is genuinely sick.

 

I can tell when he's being manipulative because he's not very good at it and that isn't what he's doing, he's trying to hang onto me as an anchor in his life sure. Bit only because his brain is a terrifying place at the moment and he can't do it himself yet.

 

So I was trying to just talk about stuff related to treatment and be someone to call if he hallucinated or felt suicidal that would be the conduit to the people who would actually help him, I was trying to stay out of his life except for that. I don't talk to him small talk or tell him what's going on with me.

 

Very grudgingly.

 

And I just got supremely pissed off at being ignored after being made privy to his suicide ideation etc and having to bloody look after him when he shows up half starved and very broken.

 

So it was a totally stupid thing to do and it's not even the first time. And i guarantee it will make him worse and he will freak out and get very miserable that I'm not around. Assuming he doesn't ring up saying sorry in the next 24 hours.

 

I am beginning to despair that I will ever escape.

 

 

So it's better for me to not think about him much for now. It will just make me feel worse and I've been trying super hard to build a life without him.

 

Plus I'm totally not putting my life on hold for him. Not even a little bit. I'll pm you a list of everything I've achieved and built into my life admidst everything if proof is necessary.

 

And in a weird way I am putting myself first in that I'm mostly helping because I couldn't handle it if the first guy I've lived with etc killed himslef and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help when asked in so serious a situation.

Edited April 21, 2017 by EmilyJane

[ML Hammer95]

I think that is the tricky thing.

 

He's not threatening to do it. He's not manipulating me. He's not using it to control me.

 

He's terrified and very very sick, I wasn't meant to see this referral, the receptionist didn't realise we were de facto anymore.

 

So his doctors ideas were that since every single time his depression and anxiety has caused really extreme symptoms it's somehow related to me, that this latest episode started when I cut off contact and asked for a few months space, that until he was into specialist and stabilised on meds that I remain in contact.

 

And he asked for my help. He didn't know what to do and he is genuinely sick.

 

I can tell when he's being manipulative because he's not very good at it and that isn't what he's doing, he's trying to hang onto me as an anchor in his life sure. Bit only because his brain is a terrifying place at the moment and he can't do it himself yet.

 

So I was trying to just talk about stuff related to treatment and be someone to call if he hallucinated or felt suicidal that would be the conduit to the people who would actually help him, I was trying to stay out of his life except for that. I don't talk to him small talk or tell him what's going on with me.

 

Very grudgingly.

 

And I just got supremely pissed off at being ignored after being made privy to his suicide ideation etc and having to bloody look after him when he shows up half starved and very broken.

 

So it was a totally stupid thing to do and it's not even the first time. And i guarantee it will make him worse and he will freak out and get very miserable that I'm not around. Assuming he doesn't ring up saying sorry in the next 24 hours.

 

I am beginning to despair that I will ever escape.

 

 

So it's better for me to not think about him much for now. It will just make me feel worse and I've been trying super hard to build a life without him.

 

Plus I'm totally not putting my life on hold for him. Not even a little bit. I'll pm you a list of everything I've achieved and built into my life admidst everything if proof is necessary.

 

And in a weird way I am putting myself first in that I'm mostly helping because I couldn't handle it if the first guy I've lived with etc killed himslef and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help when asked in so serious a situation.

 

8) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

 

You might want to stay to help your partner. Understand that you have become the trigger for your partner's bad feelings and bad behaviour. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival. If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

 

Found this on another thread, could be of relevance to your situation?

[EmilyJane]

8) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

 

You might want to stay to help your partner. Understand that you have become the trigger for your partner's bad feelings and bad behaviour. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival. If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

 

Found this on another thread, could be of relevance to your situation?

 

Except it's not me deciding I have to stay and help him - I did it on medical advice. I was supremely annoyed but I think that distinction is important isn't it?

 

Anyway it doesn't matter now. I told him to bugger off essentially and I can't contact him and he can't contact me.

 

How are you going with your stuff?

[ML Hammer95]

Coming to the realisation I need time on my own to sort through whatever issues I have. While I'd love to date and even see it develop into more it just distracts me from actually recovering from what has happened. This was mainly provoked from the argument with a girl I had been 'talking to' which led me to break things off. I was more assertive than with my ex, able to see through bull**** and less willing to stick around.

 

Think it must impact my self-esteem getting attached so easily at times. It's always after they show signs of getting attached too and I just want to continue with counselling and focus on myself.

 

The ex this thread is about hasn't come back (yet) and this is the longest she has not tried to contact me. This should be it now but I can never rule it out. Pleased with myself I didn't contact her during this week, I was very tempted and it is almost always when I feel lonely that I start to reminisce over the good times. I know she thinks about me too, almost in the same way I do, and in a way that helps me not go back there.

[EmilyJane]

Coming to the realisation I need time on my own to sort through whatever issues I have. While I'd love to date and even see it develop into more it just distracts me from actually recovering from what has happened. This was mainly provoked from the argument with a girl I had been 'talking to' which led me to break things off. I was more assertive than with my ex, able to see through bull**** and less willing to stick around.

 

Think it must impact my self-esteem getting attached so easily at times. It's always after they show signs of getting attached too and I just want to continue with counselling and focus on myself.

 

The ex this thread is about hasn't come back (yet) and this is the longest she has not tried to contact me. This should be it now but I can never rule it out. Pleased with myself I didn't contact her during this week, I was very tempted and it is almost always when I feel lonely that I start to reminisce over the good times. I know she thinks about me too, almost in the same way I do, and in a way that helps me not go back there.

 

I agree on the first paragraph. I can see you're proud of learning to be assertive, but yes, it's when you've healed that you aren't conciously trying to not let the new person "get away with ...(stuff your ex did)' before healing you can't find the balance between having learnt from experience and being trusting.

 

But the second paragraph, babe, I don't have any idea why all the good caring smart interesting men beat themselves up for not being sociopaths. Because getting attached, needing time to heal, getting invested in women - is exactly what makes you a catch and is what will see you in a happy fulfilling relationship.

 

That is called being emotionally available.

 

It's very very attractive.

 

Without it you can't sustain intimate relationships.

 

I know it seems complicated right now but what I have learned since I was first navigating adult relationships is that it is a balance, not being self protective to the point you can't fall in love at the same time as not giving all of your self to someone.

 

It's healthy to miss someone you loved even if the relationship ended for good reason. There aren't many men who could admit to it - there's too many who think that being a dude means acting like invulnerable teflon coated sociopathic robot where vulnerable emotions are concerned.

 

You however are one of the good ones, you are what I think is very attractive to women - aware that being able to own and communicate your own emotions is strength, not weakness. Own that, lead by example.

[ML Hammer95]

Well she came back again! Seems like two weeks is the maximum she can handle not hearing from me haha.

[EmilyJane]

Haha mine too

 

Snap!

[ML Hammer95]

Haha mine too

 

Snap!

 

Asking why she was deleted from Snapchat (I did it weeks ago so very observant) and considering the message was sent after midnight I wouldn't be surprised if she was out.

 

Have spoken briefly this morning, she was telling me how she was applying for new jobs, asking what I had been up to over Easter and saying things like 'that's not like you' etc. in reference to me leaving an essay to the last minute. Don't want to get too engaged again, but I was surprised how pleasant it was. Did end the conversation prematurely still.

[EmilyJane]

Asking why she was deleted from Snapchat (I did it weeks ago so very observant) and considering the message was sent after midnight I wouldn't be surprised if she was out.

 

Have spoken briefly this morning, she was telling me how she was applying for new jobs, asking what I had been up to over Easter and saying things like 'that's not like you' etc. in reference to me leaving an essay to the last minute. Don't want to get too engaged again, but I was surprised how pleasant it was. Did end the conversation prematurely still.

 

You know you're responding to breadcrumbs right? It blurs the boundary.

 

You absolutely cannot be friends yet. Maybe in like a year of not knowing much of the other.

[ML Hammer95]

You know you're responding to breadcrumbs right? It blurs the boundary.

 

You absolutely cannot be friends yet. Maybe in like a year of not knowing much of the other.

 

Ahh okay, guess I wasn't as strong as I thought.

[EmilyJane]

Ahh okay, guess I wasn't as strong as I thought.

 

I don't think it's about strength.

 

I'm pretty strong and I have been fighting the urge all day to beg him to come home.

 

I think it's about how loyal you are and how deep you bond.

 

Look, you just plain can't be friends without a break. Anything with her, social media stalking or messages or whatever, right now is just keeping you stuck and not moving on.

 

You told her not to contact you unless it was to reconcile. That was the boundary. But she's contacted you about nothing of the sort and you've responded so you've blurred the boundary.

 

Say you don't want to be in contact unless it's because she wants to like be a couple again. And then ignore absolutely everything she tries to re establish contact that isn't her wanting to get back together.

 

Make sense?

[EmilyJane]

^^^ which incidentally is very hard for me to do too.

 

Like I'm not brilliant at following my own advice. I'm scared, I miss him and I want us to be a couple again. Just on my terms later down the track of sobriety instead of his. It's horribly hard to not respond and I only manage it by removing all means to contact him, with previous partners I've even blocked them everywhere.