Feel like I've messed it up again...

[ML Hammer95]

Had a good little thing going with a girl from university. Had our first date a few weeks ago which went really well and ended up making out for a while at the end of it. Since then, we've been in contact most days over the Easter break... speaking on the phone and talking throughout the day sometimes too. Getting quite sexual and planning ahead - like when we'd see each other, when she'd stay over and summer plans. Maybe a bit fast, and it wasn't entirely serious, but we were doing okay. I'm 21 and she's 19.

 

A few days ago she started becoming more distant. Just not interacting as much. Didn't think much of it as I was busy and figured it'd be hard to push contact every day when I'd be back in a week at uni with her anyway. However, I called her tonight only to get the reply 'I'm busy' and 'I found something out yesterday and don't want to talk about it'. I must say that between those, I had said 'has something happened, because it feels like I'm being pushed away'. She got angry and started saying 'I don't want to talk and leave me alone'. So I feel terrible for pushing it and think it's probably over now. I had planned to go back to uni earlier just to see her but now that's as unlikely as West Ham winning the Champions League!

 

I'm gonna give her space and I'm almost glad I know where I stand now. Although, it doesn't feel like anything will happen for me anytime soon. Maybe it was too soon after the girl I have discussed on other threads has gone.

 

What should I do? I don't know what to think and cant help thinking I self-sabotage myself.

[KBob]

I don't really see anything wrong on your end. She obviously has something going on in her life that she doesn't want to talk to you about. It's really her choice, and there's not really much you can do about it. Giving her space is the right thing to do. You can text her in a while and see how she's doing, if you like, but from how angry she got in response to your inquiries I would write this one off.

[Drinkingoutofthecups]

I just posted something very similar. And the feedback i've gotten (which is probably the right move) is to let it go and let her come to you. if she really wants to talk to you she will. It sucks and it annoys me with my situation but it's what you have to do. You did nothing wrong just gotta go about your life. Easier said than done I know.

[ML Hammer95]

I'll text her when I'm heading back to university, in just over a week or so. I just have a hard time standing by and letting go, always have done. But I can do it.

 

Its a shame though, considering it were going well. I always get my hopes up though with girls and I think this leads me to over think situations.

[preraph]

I think she pulled away because you were sexting her and it got uncomfortable and said something about your motivation.

[Drinkingoutofthecups]

I'll text her when I'm heading back to university, in just over a week or so. I just have a hard time standing by and letting go, always have done. But I can do it.

 

Its a shame though, considering it were going well. I always get my hopes up though with girls and I think this leads me to over think situations.

I know this feeling all too well lol

[act00]

Whatever is going on with her life, you are not a part of it. Let it go. Maybe later she'll be more open, maybe not. I don't know that I would attempt another contact after she was so abrasive, but you could certainly try in about a month or so. I would lay off of sex-talk, as that usually means that's the only thing men are after.

[TheTraveler]

Had a good little thing going with a girl from university. Had our first date a few weeks ago which went really well and ended up making out for a while at the end of it. Since then, we've been in contact most days over the Easter break... speaking on the phone and talking throughout the day sometimes too. Getting quite sexual and planning ahead - like when we'd see each other, when she'd stay over and summer plans. Maybe a bit fast, and it wasn't entirely serious, but we were doing okay. I'm 21 and she's 19.

 

A few days ago she started becoming more distant. Just not interacting as much. Didn't think much of it as I was busy and figured it'd be hard to push contact every day when I'd be back in a week at uni with her anyway. However, I called her tonight only to get the reply 'I'm busy' and 'I found something out yesterday and don't want to talk about it'. I must say that between those, I had said 'has something happened, because it feels like I'm being pushed away'. She got angry and started saying 'I don't want to talk and leave me alone'. So I feel terrible for pushing it and think it's probably over now. I had planned to go back to uni earlier just to see her but now that's as unlikely as West Ham winning the Champions League!

 

I'm gonna give her space and I'm almost glad I know where I stand now. Although, it doesn't feel like anything will happen for me anytime soon. Maybe it was too soon after the girl I have discussed on other threads has gone.

 

What should I do? I don't know what to think and cant help thinking I self-sabotage myself.

 

So you had a date a few weeks ago and Easter weekend is now/3 day weekend. Why haven't you meet up before this? And multiple times?

 

Texting ain't dating

[Erik30]

She's 19, it sucks but young people change their minds all the time. You might have done nothing wrong... well maybe too much texting, calling, and talking about the future, instead of actually going on dates with this girl. However, if she was "too busy" to see you again after the first date, she was probably already planning to end it anyway

[ML Hammer95]

Wait wait wait, I think people are jumping to conclusions because I haven't made myself quite clear... the reason we haven't seen each other since is because she went on holiday to see her family straight afterwards and when she came back I had gone home from uni for the Easter break. So I don't think it is an issue of lack of interest and we had planned for me to return earlier so we can spend some time together. In the event, contact was started equally between both of us so I took that as a sign of interest - why wouldn't I?

 

The sexting thing I can see where people are coming from - I must say that it was initiated by both of us and I actually said I didn't want either of us to send nudes until we had slept with each other. Again, I was clear that I was willing to wait and let things develop between us while offering my flat as a place to stay if she wished.

 

I understand it isn't my place as to what is going on in her life, that's why as soon as she made it clear that's what happened I said I would give her space. Until then, I didn't know what was going on and so felt entitled to ask. Even though I expressed it insensitively.

[d0nnivain]

When you are both back at school, shoot her a text, something along these lines:

 

 

Hope you had a good break & whatever was upsetting you has been resolved. I didn't mean to push. I simply wanted you to know that I would be here for you if you needed. Whether you want to talk about that or not, I'd love to see you again. Wanna get dinner?

 

See what she does / says. Good luck.

[fromheart]

No communication skills or manners. FWB only, not relationship material.

[Gemma1]

I can tell from what she said that she's a drama queen and probably not all that considerate. No decent person with reasonable control of her emotions would say that to you. If she had received some bad news that she really didn't want to talk about, she would have approached it completely differently. She would've said something along the lines of "I'm going through a difficult time at the moment and I need to be alone for a bit. I'll reconnect with you if something changes on my end."

 

The whole "I got some news and don't want to talk about it" is a major sign of immaturity. That's like people who post on Facebook that they have a problem but everyone should leave them alone. Well WHY did you broadcast it, then?? She knew it would spark your curiosity and make you want to keep reaching out to her and it makes her feel good to do that to you. Bad news man.

 

And her follow up of "leave me alone" is just plain rude. You dodged a bullet here, you should thank her. (Not really. Don't ever contact her again).

[d0nnivain]

The girl in question is 19. Anybody who still has the word "teen" in their age gets to be immature. She's simply being her age -- young.

 

 

Could she have handled this better? Absolutely but she doesn't deserve to be written off completely for not handling it the best way possible.

 

 

Hence, my advice that the OP should reach out when they are both back at school. Perhaps the girl will have a better grasp of whatever bad thing was going on. If the OP doesn't receive a warm reception then I'd give up on her but not yet.

[smackie9]

Is it possible she found out something about you? Maybe posted something about another girl? Do you have female friends you hang out with? It sounds to me she's mad at you or why would she lash out at you?

 

Maybe her ex is dating her BFF and now has no trust in guys at all and is stewing over it.

 

IMO this is over and you shouldn't waste anymore of your time on this one.

[Poutrew]

Don't contact her again. When you go back to school, stay away from her. If it makes it easier for you to stay away, I'll fill in her side of the conversation she had with you :

 

You: Is anything wrong?

 

Her: I just found out something very upsetting. My ex bf got me pregnant, and he also gave me the Herpes. I don't wanna talk about it anymore..."

 

There, that should make it easier to stay away...

[Gemma1]

The girl in question is 19. Anybody who still has the word "teen" in their age gets to be immature. She's simply being her age -- young.

 

 

Could she have handled this better? Absolutely but she doesn't deserve to be written off completely for not handling it the best way possible.

 

 

Hence, my advice that the OP should reach out when they are both back at school. Perhaps the girl will have a better grasp of whatever bad thing was going on. If the OP doesn't receive a warm reception then I'd give up on her but not yet.

You're right, but suffering the consequences of her immaturity is how she will (maybe) grow up. He should ignore her if she reaches out to him, or even better, explain that he doesn't tolerate that kind of drama-seeking behavior and that he is moving on. Maybe it would be a good lesson for her. If he tolerates this crap, it will be bad for both of them because it will set the tone for their relationship and reinforce her crappy behavior.

 

I would never have done this even at 19, and I was plenty immature. Not saying all hope is lost for her or anything, but he'd be doing both of them a favor by giving up on her.

[ML Hammer95]

Okay I've found out what was wrong...

 

Basically messaged to see if she was okay and then eventually said 'you're not interested anymore are you?'. She said she was, but having a hard time at the moment. Ended up telling her about my previous relationship, and how my ex blamed me for her suicide threats/attempt which opened her up a bit.

 

Basically... her ex gave her an STD from February by sleeping with someone else. Because it was symptomless, she only just found out last week (the day of the OP). Its gone now, and isn't her fault, but she is shaken. Says she trusts me, but doesn't give the impression of trusting anybody. Said she didn't want to tel me in case I blocked her on everything and doesn't want to waste my time. Not good.

 

Keeping this lad on all social media too waiting for an apology. Not good. As I'm writing this it is apparent I'm wasting energy on this. I reassured her it didn't change my opinion of her and it wasn't as bad as she thought and she cried on the phone. Next this one?

 

The fact she stops replying during conversation ('because I don't know what to say') really annoys me and I think IRS rude. Even if she just messaged to say 'I'm busy right now, talk later'. And when I point it out, I feel mental. But it makes me feel awkward. And when I restart it, makes me feel like such a beg. Last time I pointed it out she said 'you're hard work aren't you'. Feel like I'm turning into my psycho ex.

 

In person, it was so much more fluent and better and flirty (tbf, it was over text too until this news) which is why I'd be reluctant to throw it away. I said I didn't want to be just friends and I'd block and move on if we were. She begged me not to block her, saying we obviously weren't just friends and I'm the guy she's 'talking too'. And we will meet up on Saturday.

 

When she was crying she even said I should talk to other girls, but don't tell her. That's a huge red flag. So when she sent me a picture of her and her mate, saying she's fit, I jokingly asked if she had her number. Got angry. Immature game playing.

 

Rant over. Any thoughts welcome!

[ML Hammer95]

Don't contact her again. When you go back to school, stay away from her. If it makes it easier for you to stay away, I'll fill in her side of the conversation she had with you :

 

You: Is anything wrong?

 

Her: I just found out something very upsetting. My ex bf got me pregnant, and he also gave me the Herpes. I don't wanna talk about it anymore..."

 

There, that should make it easier to stay away...

 

This was more accurate than I realised... well not the pregnancy part but yeah!

 

Is there any reason for me to see where this goes or write it off?

[EmilyJane]

I think your nasty ex has been saying stuff.

 

Plus this girl is being totally not cool towards you. I'm honestly getting a bit of a red flag alert but I'm not sure from what yet

 

Don't call, don't text, she's brushed you off and shut you down and potentially believed rumours started by Miss BPD to control your interactions with others as we know she is wont to do. Is thus someone who is worthy of your attention right now? I think not.

 

So she does not get a friendly call or text until she fixes her rudeness. Unless she contacts you and tries to apologise or make it up to you don't contact her. You have done nothing wrong.

 

This thing where you now have more tolerance for chicks treating you badly and then blame yourself when they do is why I was suggesting you stay single until you're actually over your ex's manipulations and control freakery and confidence crushing nastiness and have regained your inner strength.

 

Because you will repeat stuff with others and cause yourself more damage.

 

Wait. Heal. Do the grieving right. You are absolutely not ready yet to start with someone new or to be someone's boyfriend, so the chicks you attract will be ones with a reason to prefer those a bit damaged and grieving with low self confidence.

 

You will find someone else, it will be better than the last relationship. Just not before at least half the time you were involved with your ex has passed.

[ML Hammer95]

I think your nasty ex has been saying stuff.

 

Plus this girl is being totally not cool towards you. I'm honestly getting a bit of a red flag alert but I'm not sure from what yet

 

Don't call, don't text, she's brushed you off and shut you down and potentially believed rumours started by Miss BPD to control your interactions with others as we know she is wont to do. Is thus someone who is worthy of your attention right now? I think not.

 

So she does not get a friendly call or text until she fixes her rudeness. Unless she contacts you and tries to apologise or make it up to you don't contact her. You have done nothing wrong.

 

This thing where you now have more tolerance for chicks treating you badly and then blame yourself when they do is why I was suggesting you stay single until you're actually over your ex's manipulations and control freakery and confidence crushing nastiness and have regained your inner strength.

 

Because you will repeat stuff with others and cause yourself more damage.

 

Wait. Heal. Do the grieving right. You are absolutely not ready yet to start with someone new or to be someone's boyfriend, so the chicks you attract will be ones with a reason to prefer those a bit damaged and grieving with low self confidence.

 

You will find someone else, it will be better than the last relationship. Just not before at least half the time you were involved with your ex has passed.

 

Nah, I think it is impossible my ex has been in contact with her. Neither of them know the name of the other, my ex is blocked or unfollowed on all social media and my ex would have no way of knowing who I was speaking too. While the issues from the last relationship have not been resolved, I don't think she's had a direct impact on what is happening with this girl.

 

However everything else was spot on. I am blaming myself and am probably not ready for anything serious with anybody, no matter how much I'd like that healthy connection.

[EmilyJane]

Nah, I think it is impossible my ex has been in contact with her. Neither of them know the name of the other, my ex is blocked or unfollowed on all social media and my ex would have no way of knowing who I was speaking too. While the issues from the last relationship have not been resolved, I don't think she's had a direct impact on what is happening with this girl.

 

However everything else was spot on. I am blaming myself and am probably not ready for anything serious with anybody, no matter how much I'd like that healthy connection.

 

Don't all three of you go to the same uni?

 

I think you're probably not going to be ready for not serious stuff for a little bit too.

 

I'm only being so full on because I've made the same mistake before and ended up even worse off and more damaged and hurt. I'm seriously trying to prevent you from making my mistakes. So please at least seriously consider it before totally ignoring my advice.

 

Edit: sorry I missed your update on the STD one, it takes ages for new posts to appear for me.

 

So she's pretty manipulative, passive aggressive and has herpes. Remember what I said about not attracting the best sort of chick right now? Yeah.

 

Ew. Diseased vagina

Edited April 20, 2017 by EmilyJane

[ML Hammer95]

Don't all three of you go to the same uni?

 

I think you're probably not going to be ready for not serious stuff for a little bit too.

 

I'm only being so full on because I've made the same mistake before and ended up even worse off and more damaged and hurt. I'm seriously trying to prevent you from making my mistakes. So please at least seriously consider it before totally ignoring my advice.

 

Edit: sorry I missed your update on the STD one, it takes ages for new posts to appear for me.

 

So she's pretty manipulative, passive aggressive and has herpes. Remember what I said about not attracting the best sort of chick right now? Yeah.

 

Ew. Diseased vagina

 

Its not herpes! It was chlamydia and is gone now. And me and this girl go to the same uni but my ex lives back home. It's England so nowhere is ever far away but far enough.

 

I am listening to your advice, you know better than me! I'm still young and finding things out.

[EmilyJane]

Its not herpes! It was chlamydia and is gone now. And me and this girl go to the same uni but my ex lives back home. It's England so nowhere is ever far away but far enough.

 

I am listening to your advice, you know better than me! I'm still young and finding things out.

 

Oh sure riiight, chlamydia, well that's completely different I mean it's not like there's any gross oozing or smells with that and you can catch it even from toilet seats so it's hardly her fault for not using protection.... oh wait hang on

 

I don't know better than you, I've just made a lot of mistakes and haven't ever really had long enough without some dude or other hanging about. I mean look at the mess I'm in right now. I'm not some wise guru and I doubt I'm much more than a decade older if that.

 

Cut her loose dude. She will be back in cheating diseased guys bed first chance he gives her, plus she's blame shifting her behaviour onto you like your ex did with the whole telling you you are hard work from expecting her to keep up her side of the convo. You knew this, that's what the feeling "mental" was telling you.

[ML Hammer95]

Oh sure riiight, chlamydia, well that's completely different I mean it's not like there's any gross oozing or smells with that and you can catch it even from toilet seats so it's hardly her fault for not using protection.... oh wait hang on

 

I don't know better than you, I've just made a lot of mistakes and haven't ever really had long enough without some dude or other hanging about. I mean look at the mess I'm in right now. I'm not some wise guru and I doubt I'm much more than a decade older if that.

 

Cut her loose dude. She will be back in cheating diseased guys bed first chance he gives her, plus she's blame shifting her behaviour onto you like your ex did with the whole telling you you are hard work from expecting her to keep up her side of the convo. You knew this, that's what the feeling "mental" was telling you.

 

I actually don't blame her in this situation and I'm not going to judge behaviour before I met her as I'd expect the same treatment. However, certain things she said and behaviour since we have been talking has led me to believe you are right.