Meeting Ex soon... how to proceed?

[ML Hammer95]

I don't think it's about strength.

 

I'm pretty strong and I have been fighting the urge all day to beg him to come home.

 

I think it's about how loyal you are and how deep you bond.

 

Look, you just plain can't be friends without a break. Anything with her, social media stalking or messages or whatever, right now is just keeping you stuck and not moving on.

 

You told her not to contact you unless it was to reconcile. That was the boundary. But she's contacted you about nothing of the sort and you've responded so you've blurred the boundary.

 

Say you don't want to be in contact unless it's because she wants to like be a couple again. And then ignore absolutely everything she tries to re establish contact that isn't her wanting to get back together.

 

Make sense?

 

 

In fairness, i don't have her on any social media and her phone is blocked. The contact was through Instagram messenger but we don't follow each other there any more. So I don't sit around looking at her profiles and any saved messages I had from her are long gone. Also, I did reinforce the boundary after this conversation by reminding her what I said so we'll see.

[EmilyJane]

In fairness, i don't have her on any social media and her phone is blocked. The contact was through Instagram messenger but we don't follow each other there any more. So I don't sit around looking at her profiles and any saved messages I had from her are long gone. Also, I did reinforce the boundary after this conversation by reminding her what I said so we'll see.

 

Next time. Don't have the conversation. Like you told her what she had to do to be in contact.

 

I do think you're going to be ok though, like you're doing ok.

[ML Hammer95]

Next time. Don't have the conversation. Like you told her what she had to do to be in contact.

 

I do think you're going to be ok though, like you're doing ok.

 

Yeah, I notice each time there is contact I'm feeling it less. Ironically, its the times where there is nothing where I look back with any affection.

 

Did you respond to your guy?

[EmilyJane]

Yeah, I notice each time there is contact I'm feeling it less. Ironically, its the times where there is nothing where I look back with any affection.

 

Did you respond to your guy?

 

Yup.

 

To correct his depression thinking about what I was mad at him for and reiterate that it's better for me not to be in contact but if he stays sober and in therapy he can call me if he wants to reconcile then.

 

He thought it was because he was a mess. Meaning the illness stuff. I try to be clear on what is unacceptable behaviour and what is illness.

 

I wish it felt worse for me or less being in contact. But it doesn't. Not yet.

[ML Hammer95]

Just a quick update for anybody following this thread...

 

No contact again this week. When i'm around people I'm fine and i'm continuing working through the grieving process. It can be hard though, especially at night or when I'm in my room alone.

 

Got plenty of work and events to look forward to though and a counselling session in two weeks. And I also know that I cannot worry myself about what she is doing or why she would even contact me still. Of course there are feelings there still lingering, but with time I feel them fading. And I hope they will too.

 

It is reassuring to realise I don't want/need to date at the moment. Went to a Hip Hop/R&B club night this week with some mates (boys and girls including one I had already got off with) and did not feel the need to pull. Simply went and enjoyed the night. I cannot lie though and say that she hasn't been on my mind at all. Just a little less.

[ML Hammer95]

Called the Samaritans tonight... not because I'm feeling suicidal or nothing but because I wanted to speak what was on my mind to someone who wasn't family or a friend. Have done it before when I was feeling weak or low and have felt better after speaking to them.

[ML Hammer95]

Since around mid-February, when I felt like me and my ex had come to the end of the road and I made the decision to step back, she has kept trying to be in contact with me. I can count around NINE occasions where I had not been in contact with her and she'd come back. All I have initiated is one drunken phone call which led me to block the number. I have removed her from all social media too and the only way she contacts me is through Instagram messenger. Contact has varied from wanting 'a catch up', sending me songs and films I should check out, asking about uni and my life in general and after one discussion where I gave closed responses which she said hurt her and made me out to be the bad guy, she wanted to meet up. This was because I didn't want contact unless we were going to make up. In the end, there was a mix up which ensured that we didn't meet and I went back to not contacting her. Asking me why she was deleted from Snapchat too. Is this the infamous 'breadcrumbs'. I generally reply but don't drag the conversation and always stop myself from starting the conversation.

 

The thing is I always feel like she'll come back. Obviously I miss her and part of me thinks that all these attempts at maintaining contact are a good thing - she says she misses me and is reluctant to wear her heart on her sleeve because she doesn't believe I like her (even though I told her). However, another part of me thinks she only contacts because she is bored and lonely. And if that is the case then I'm reluctant to get drawn back in. Sometimes I feel like these were her attempts at making up and I've been too stubborn to see it and that hurts me.

 

I don't know what people will make of this, but part of me feels like I'd need reaffirmation that this isn't what I think it is. I have been fleetingly tempted to re-add her on Snapchat (our main mode of contact over the phone) but something is holding me back. Instinct? She would contact me anytime varying from a week to a few days. The longest I haven't heard from her is two weeks, during which I felt she wouldn't come back.

 

I feel as if she didn't like me she would have left it by now. However, whenever I feel like i'll never hear from her again, she pops up. I think she does have feelings, and we were very attached to each other. But I don't know what to make of this.

Edited April 30, 2017 by ML Hammer95

[fromheart]

Once again tell her to only contact you if she's interested in getting back together. Friendship is not what you're after.

 

She might be interested right now, but she also might be trying to make the break up easier for herself, and take control. If you allow yourself to be listing in the wind in that situation, you'll become an emotional tampon and disposable dildo.

 

So firmly state that you do not wish to be in contact, unless she wishes for reconciliation.

[salparadise]

Conspicuously absent is any mention of why you decided to end it to begin with. I don't understand why you'd post and ask for opinions while leaving out the most relevant pieces of the puzzle.

 

Obviously she'd like to give it another try. The question is, do you want to be in a relationship with her, and are the reasons you ended it still present or have they been resolved? If you don't want to, explain politely and block her completely. If you do, then quit being wishy-washy and do your best to make it work.

[fromheart]

Once again tell her to only contact you if she's interested in getting back together. Friendship is not what you're after.

 

She might be interested right now, but she also might be trying to make the break up easier for herself, and take control. If you allow yourself to be listing in the wind in that situation, you'll become an emotional tampon and disposable dildo.

 

So firmly state that you do not wish to be in contact, unless she wishes for reconciliation.

 

Misread the post, thought she'd dumped you. The other poster is correct.

[ML Hammer95]

Once again tell her to only contact you if she's interested in getting back together. Friendship is not what you're after.

 

She might be interested right now, but she also might be trying to make the break up easier for herself, and take control. If you allow yourself to be listing in the wind in that situation, you'll become an emotional tampon and disposable dildo.

 

So firmly state that you do not wish to be in contact, unless she wishes for reconciliation.

 

This is spot on to be fair. I wouldn't say either of us were dumped actually, it was more a case of one argument too many. Where she said things like 'don't contact me again' etc.. and instead of pleading I just accepted it. She said stuff like that before and always came back but I decided it was time for a different approach.

 

She has said too that we are both attached to each other still emotionally. But I agree I need clear interaction before proceeding to do anything. Doesn't stop me feeling bad for the other times she has reached out though.

[salparadise]

I wouldn't say either of us were dumped actually, it was more a case of one argument too many. Where she said things like 'don't contact me again' etc.

 

 

Some people (couples) just can't be in a relationship without a lot of arguments, conflict and drama. Sometimes it's a unique dynamic between the two, and sometimes it's more one than the other who generates it.

 

For example, my ex-wife can't even get along with her siblings, whereas I never have any conflict with mine. I've had several relationships since the divorce where there was no conflict, or virtually none. So I know for certain that I am capable of a low/no conflict relationship with a similar person, and I absolutely will not be in another high-conflict relationship. It's a miserable existence.

 

So, if you know for sure that you aren't initiating the drama, that it's either mostly her or unique to this particular pairing, then I'd say you should move on and find someone who you're compatible with in this respect.

[ML Hammer95]

Some people (couples) just can't be in a relationship without a lot of arguments, conflict and drama. Sometimes it's a unique dynamic between the two, and sometimes it's more one than the other who generates it.

 

For example, my ex-wife can't even get along with her siblings, whereas I never have any conflict with mine. I've had several relationships since the divorce where there was no conflict, or virtually none. So I know for certain that I am capable of a low/no conflict relationship with a similar person, and I absolutely will not be in another high-conflict relationship. It's a miserable existence.

 

So, if you know for sure that you aren't initiating the drama, that it's either mostly her or unique to this particular pairing, then I'd say you should move on and find someone who you're compatible with in this respect.

 

Hmm looking at it objectively, I think it was mostly her but I certainly had my moments too. You are right in that it can be a miserable existence at times. I think we can't be together without it being high-conflict unfortunately. If she feels the same, I wouldn't know why she keeps coming back. I've kept my distance and she always finds a way. Most of the conversations are now good, but there have still been arguments - mainly about how we both feel.

 

It is frustrating know that two people like each other, care for each other, that there's still an attachment and feelings. But maybe that isn't enough.

[d0nnivain]

Let me see if I understand this.

 

 

You had a tumultuous relationship punctuated by lots of arguments. After many of them your EX-GF would say "don't contact me again." But her actions always led her not to mean that & you two carried on.

 

 

In February this dysfunctional cycle repeated itself only this time you didn't reach out.

 

 

She has since reached out for you about neutral subjects, school, movies etc., at least 9 times. You mostly ignore her.

 

 

You sent her one drunken text.

 

 

Now you are sitting here befuddled because you think she should have come back by now & reconciled with you.

 

 

Dude, you have this all backwards. After 9 attempts that were all met with a less than enthusiastic response from you, your EX-GF has concluded that you don't want her back. You blocked her & you deflected the ice breakers she floated your way. What else was she supposed to think?

 

 

If you want her back you need to reach out, sober, & set up a meeting. Then you have to take the big risk & say you want to reconcile. However, that is a dumb idea unless you have fixed the underlying issues that cause the problems in the first place. I doubt that has occurred because you don't seem to know your own mind & yet you expect this girl to be a mind reader.

 

 

Perhaps staying apart & spending some time being introspective & learning how to communicate effectively would do you more good.

[ML Hammer95]

Let me see if I understand this.

 

 

You had a tumultuous relationship punctuated by lots of arguments. After many of them your EX-GF would say "don't contact me again." But her actions always led her not to mean that & you two carried on.

 

 

In February this dysfunctional cycle repeated itself only this time you didn't reach out.

 

 

She has since reached out for you about neutral subjects, school, movies etc., at least 9 times. You mostly ignore her.

 

 

You sent her one drunken text.

 

 

Now you are sitting here befuddled because you think she should have come back by now & reconciled with you.

 

 

Dude, you have this all backwards. After 9 attempts that were all met with a less than enthusiastic response from you, your EX-GF has concluded that you don't want her back. You blocked her & you deflected the ice breakers she floated your way. What else was she supposed to think?

 

 

If you want her back you need to reach out, sober, & set up a meeting. Then you have to take the big risk & say you want to reconcile. However, that is a dumb idea unless you have fixed the underlying issues that cause the problems in the first place. I doubt that has occurred because you don't seem to know your own mind & yet you expect this girl to be a mind reader.

 

 

Perhaps staying apart & spending some time being introspective & learning how to communicate effectively would do you more good.

 

I think it'd be wrong to say I ignored her. Yes, I didn't start any conversations myself but when she replied I always answered her questions, asked her how she was doing and had proper conversations. The difference was I tried not to get as involved as before. But I admit I was surprised she kept reaching out because during the arguments we had she said things that made me think she didn't want anything more to do with me.

[d0nnivain]

Fine you were polite when she reached out but you didn't give her any encouragement. I assume this behavior was different from the times you reconciled. Hence, she perceived you as not taking or accepting her olive branches.

 

 

At this point you have to figure out what you want & how to clearly communicate that. So far you are doing a bad job at both.

[Marc878]

Do you like living in drama?

[ML Hammer95]

Fine you were polite when she reached out but you didn't give her any encouragement. I assume this behavior was different from the times you reconciled. Hence, she perceived you as not taking or accepting her olive branches.

 

 

At this point you have to figure out what you want & how to clearly communicate that. So far you are doing a bad job at both.

 

On this website, I've noticed that posters are discouraged from 'breadcrumbs' and that breadcrumbs is defined as anything other than expressing a wish to get back together. So i'm not sure how exactly I've done a 'bad job' so far.

 

Is asking how she is, how her work is going etc not encouragement? Or admitting that I've missed her.

Edited April 30, 2017 by ML Hammer95

[d0nnivain]

Dumpees are cautioned that breadcrumbs are not an indication that the dumper wants reconciliation.

 

 

Here you & your EX had a pattern. She's say don't contact me again. You'd ignore her or she'd break the ice & then all of a sudden the relationship would be back on. You have done this before.

 

 

This time you changed the pattern & you did not allow things to just fall back into place. She's behaving in the same old way . . .reaching out. You are the one who changed the dynamic by now expecting her to make some declaration.

 

 

Moreover you were in essence the dumper because you changed & didn't fall back into old patterns.

 

 

Thus you have to make the move to start the reconciliation conversation if that is what you want . Ask her if she wants to get back together then tell her what you want.

 

 

My advice is that you two getting back together without addressing & FIXING what broke you apart all those other times is a waste of time.

[ML Hammer95]

Dumpees are cautioned that breadcrumbs are not an indication that the dumper wants reconciliation.

 

 

Here you & your EX had a pattern. She's say don't contact me again. You'd ignore her or she'd break the ice & then all of a sudden the relationship would be back on. You have done this before.

 

 

This time you changed the pattern & you did not allow things to just fall back into place. She's behaving in the same old way . . .reaching out. You are the one who changed the dynamic by now expecting her to make some declaration.

 

 

Moreover you were in essence the dumper because you changed & didn't fall back into old patterns.

 

 

Thus you have to make the move to start the reconciliation conversation if that is what you want . Ask her if she wants to get back together then tell her what you want.

 

 

My advice is that you two getting back together without addressing & FIXING what broke you apart all those other times is a waste of time.

 

It's interesting because the way I see it, somebody saying 'don't contact me again' and similar things is positioning themselves as the dumper no matter how many times they come back.

 

I do accept your advice, you are right. I suppose the only way to try and fix what went wrong before is to contact again.

 

I have just contacted her and she replied pretty much straight away. So we'll see what happens.

[salparadise]

 

I think we can't be together without it being high-conflict unfortunately. If she feels the same, I wouldn't know why she keeps coming back.

 

Because of the attachment.

 

It is frustrating know that two people like each other, care for each other, that there's still an attachment and feelings. But maybe that isn't enough.

 

Frustrating yes, but not unusual at all. It's a hallmark of many dysfunctional relationships. In pretty much any relationship that lasts more than a few months there will be both caring and attachment... but that doesn't mean it's functional or sustainable.

 

It's hard to say what the issues are in your case since we have little information. It could be simply communication problems, in which case you could probably learn to overcome them (through counseling). But if it's more deeply rooted personality issues then it may not be fixable.

 

Some couples have a dynamic that meshes easily. I think it's smart to seek that in a partner. I wonder how different my life might have been if I had terminated my first high-conflict relationship years ago instead of marrying her and sticking it out for 20+ years. I wouldn't make that mistake agin. Just hoping I'll find another opportunity to get it right.

[ML Hammer95]

We've agreed not to have any deep conversations right now, I said I don't want any deep conversations at the moment and she replied 'I'm certainly not going to start a deep conversation soon'.

 

Probably should have left it alone.

[d0nnivain]

By agreeing not to have any deep conversations now, you have essentially agreed to stay apart. If that is what you want, own it. If you want reconciliation, you have to talk to each other.

[ML Hammer95]

By agreeing not to have any deep conversations now, you have essentially agreed to stay apart. If that is what you want, own it. If you want reconciliation, you have to talk to each other.

 

Oh really? Hmm, I can't see that happening, we've both said it doesn't need to happen right now... I was thinking more save it until we are comfortable talking again but no doubt you are probably right in your deductions.

 

Little deflated. If there's no chance then is there any point me sticking around?

[ML Hammer95]

Feel like such a dickhead now, with her basically admitting she doesn't want to talk and that all previous contact didn't mean anything. Feeling like I should have stuck to NC and accepted that she wouldn't come back. And feel like anything I do now, talking or not, will drive her away further. Genuinely feel gutted.