This Probably Wouldnt Go Well???

[Weezy1973]

I actually think this is a great step. Definitely too much emotional energy was expended in the over analyzing, but you found out quickly you weren't compatible with this guy, so you ended it. That's why you date in the first place.

 

Keep things really easy at the beginning and don't get too attached early on. Like I said, you shouldn't even be thinking about being exclusive until at least 3 dates. I would even highly suggest multi-dating as that prevents people from getting to caught up in one person before they even know if they're compatible.

 

More serious thoughts like marriage should wait until at least a year (i.e. after the honeymoon period is coming to an end) so getting caught up with analyzing in the early stages is just a waste of energy.

[Dis]

Just need to make something known for those of you that have the wrong idea about my assumed 'type' of guy...

 

The corrections officer was NOT in great shape. He had little muscle tone and a belly and that was FINE with me. I was very attracted to him!

 

I dated a guy back in December/Janurary who was a 6/10, he never went to the gym, had a few extra pounds on him but we had a huge amount of sexual tension between us (I actually made a thread about it) I wanted to jump on him every time I saw him

 

A lot of the guys I've dated were in great shape and above average in the looks department BUT I'm also attracted to guys who are average looking too

 

*Record set straight*

[Dis]

Yup! I would actually take it a step further. It's law and order strong types with great bodies. There's the fireman at her accident (married), police officer, the corrections officer she dated who she walked in on in bed with someone else. From her description, he was a poor conversationalist, not a deep thinker, but a great body. They hook her by going on excessively about how beautiful she is. And she hooks them by cooking for them at the outset. Corrections officer got baked ziti. Mr. Fireman was going to get cookies until she realized he was married. From an outsider's perspective, there's a definite dynamic that trips both their buttons and a set dance to get things started. It's like moths heading to a flame.

 

The nice, cute, thoughtful accountant on match.com isn't going to stand a chance. Not pushing the right buttons with his personality type.

 

The bold is unfair and inaccurate

 

I have much more going for me than cooking food

 

I'm one of the sweetest people you'll ever meet. I treat the people in my life like gold. I'm loyal, compassionate, kind and generous. Some of the guys I've dated were very good looking, but so am I (I'm sure I'll get backlash for saying that)

 

Put my awesome cooking skills to the side and I'm still a catch

 

You have a good point that I need to be more open minded more often, thanks for that. I appreciate that insight and WILL put it to good use when I decide to start OLD again full force

[Dis]

1. This is absolutely beautiful, truly inspired. I don't usually like poetry, but I am moved. Really moved. You should write for a living.

 

2. I hope this isn't about this guy, specifically. If so you are building him up way too much in your head. Don't. You WILL get hurt.

 

3. If this is just in general/a sum of other relationships, keep it. And have it published somewhere. I am serious about this and I know a bit about this subject, as I write for a living (not poetry, but...still).

 

Thank you SO much California! This made my day!

 

I have journals upon journals of this stuff. I started writing when I was 12 and havent stopped since. I would love to publish my writing but I dont know the first thing about how to start that process...and I never thought it was any good

 

That poem actually was about this guy specifically....and yes I'm ending it. My writing has always spoken the truth about what I'm feeling, so I know if a poem like this comes to mind about a guy....I need to end it before things get really bad. I should try this more often!

 

This is another one I wrote after I walked in on the corrections officer with another woman. But it was more a culmination of my experiences with the men I've dated than just specific to him

 

The deception of a man's heart runs deep

It runs miles deeper than my mind can travel

And is vaster than my mind can comprehend

The deception of a man's heart has shattered my own truth

It has made me eat every pretty word

And swallow every ugly truth

The deception of a man's heart has cost me the price of a million cities

It has stripped me of the dignity of a thousand kings

It has robbed me of my good nature

My good faith

My kindess

All of which are now diminished to waste

 

I think I might be onto something, decoding my dates haha

[bluefeather]

Just need to make something known for those of you that have the wrong idea about my assumed 'type' of guy...

 

The corrections officer was NOT in great shape. He had little muscle tone and a belly and that was FINE with me. I was very attracted to him!

 

I dated a guy back in December/Janurary who was a 6/10, he never went to the gym, had a few extra pounds on him but we had a huge amount of sexual tension between us (I actually made a thread about it) I wanted to jump on him every time I saw him

 

A lot of the guys I've dated were in great shape and above average in the looks department BUT I'm also attracted to guys who are average looking too

 

*Record set straight*

 

 

A few people might have suggested the idea, but I don't think there was ever a belief that you were only and/or specifically attracted to sexy bodies. I never thought that

[BluesPower]

Hold on a minute...

 

Dis I can't and won't say that the cooking is a bad hook. I don't think you are really doing anything wrong. You are just having a run of bad luck.

 

It could be that the you are going for too many pretty boys. As a guy that is not really as pretty as I used to be, I find a lot, lot of those guys to be pretty shallow, IMHO.

 

But could we not disparage the cooking? My GF's love it when I cook for them. All of them love Breakfast in bed if we get to spend the night together.

 

I'm not using it as a hook. I love to cook. The kids are never at home so I cook for my girls and big pot luck things.

[bluefeather]

It could be that the you are going for too many pretty boys.

 

Wow, I stand corrected. Blues, I don't think you're quite hitting the mark here. She just pointed out her stance on that.

[BluesPower]

I was mostly taking about cooking being a good thing.

 

Not saying that she is, I personally think that she is just having a bad run.

 

I bet the in a while she will find a really good BF.

[Dis]

A few people might have suggested the idea, but I don't think there was ever a belief that you were only and/or specifically attracted to sexy bodies. I never thought that

 

Thats because you're awesome blue

 

My mind was fuzzy yesterday too but I totally get your point and I agree with it

[bluefeather]

Thats because you're awesome blue

 

My mind was fuzzy yesterday too but I totally get your point and I agree with it

 

Why, thank you for noticing! ~_^ As are you!

 

It took a while for things to get sorted out, but now that the dust has settled, seems it's looking clearer now

[Dis]

Hold on a minute...

 

Dis I can't and won't say that the cooking is a bad hook. I don't think you are really doing anything wrong. You are just having a run of bad luck.

 

It could be that the you are going for too many pretty boys. As a guy that is not really as pretty as I used to be, I find a lot, lot of those guys to be pretty shallow, IMHO.

 

But could we not disparage the cooking? My GF's love it when I cook for them. All of them love Breakfast in bed if we get to spend the night together.

 

I'm not using it as a hook. I love to cook. The kids are never at home so I cook for my girls and big pot luck things.

 

I was mostly taking about cooking being a good thing.

 

Not saying that she is, I personally think that she is just having a bad run.

 

I bet the in a while she will find a really good BF.

 

Awww thank you Blues!

 

I really appreciate the encourgement!

 

Your view kind of simplifies it for me...a run of bad luck...yup! Sound about right to me!

 

I'll always cook for people, not just my bfs. I agree its a good thing as long as I'm doing it for the right people. Its in my nature to give...I'm not going to change that

 

I hope I find the right guy soon too!!

[KBob]

I'll always cook for people, not just my bfs. I agree its a good thing as long as I'm doing it for the right people. Its in my nature to give...I'm not going to change that

 

I'm glad you said that, I was getting really worried that people were going to walk away from this thread thinking that cooking or baking for a romantic interest is a bad thing! My game would be instantly dropped down by a wide margin if I couldn't woo women with my bbq'ing skills! And baking is a sure way to my heart. How would I ever love again?

[Dis]

I think D was kind of feeling down about being single (February brings that out especially well for some people), found him attractive enough, saw his message was thoughtful,so she really wanted it to give it a shot despite the red flags. Turned out it was too much to ignore. Sorry, D. Hope your studies are going well despite all this!

 

My girl Cookies!

 

Yup, I go through moments where I feel like maybe, I can get my feet wet again. Then I try and things like this happen

 

I thought I'd give him a shot but of course my initial gut feeling was right

 

I'm on match right now, I'm deciding if I have it in me to give it another shot and really put myself out there...

 

Thanks for being in my corner as always, you're awesome girl

[Cookiesandough]

My girl Cookies!

 

Yup, I go through moments where I feel like maybe, I can get my feet wet again. Then I try and things like this happen

 

I thought I'd give him a shot but of course my initial gut feeling was right

 

I'm on match right now, I'm deciding if I have it in me to give it another shot and really put myself out there...

 

Thanks for being in my corner as always, you're awesome girl

 

 

lol I'm doing the same thing. I'm dealing with some messy stuff with ex, but as soon as that blows over I may tentatively test the waters and start dating again(big maybe). Been almost 4 months since I've dated.

 

You gave it a fair shot. It happens. Have you told him already it's not going to work out? He may try to reel you back in..

 

Always rooting for you, D. You're a sweet person with a big heart x Keep it open

[Dis]

Its nice to get back into writing almost every night. I dont think I ever allowed myself grieve over anything thats happened....

 

I have since forgotten

The purpose of the fight

I have lost more souls than I can carry

And your feet have been blessed with light

I speak to everyone of you

Your faces become a blurr

As I lie here in the hole I dug

That gets deeper with every word

I dont remember how I started out

But I know my heart was good

My heart was white

Perhaps its best to forget

That now I'm soiled black

For the next face that grins

Will only smile to turn his back

Edited March 1, 2017 by Disillusionment373

[Dis]

He texted me today...

 

First because he was at the hospital that I have clinical at and wanted to grab a coffee with me...I wasnt there today so I told him that

 

Then tonight to wish me luck on the exam

 

I havent told him yet that I dont think its going to work

 

Nursing school is doing a number on my brain, I swear I'm loosing brain cells every minute that goes by because of how intensive it is...so overwhelmed

 

Little things like him texting me and checking in with me, plus he hasnt been on match since I have him my number (I checked) make me doubt myself

 

I'm doing the right thing by telling him we're not a match right???

[angel.eyes]

Let me be clear about what I said, and I'm sorry if I put you on the defensive.

 

I noticed you jumped immediately to the body type and ignored what I led with in the description--you go for law and order strong types. Again, I'm not criticizing you. Just pointing out themes in who you're attracted to. This personality type is like catnip for you. You have an incredibly hard time walking away from them even when there are red flags galore. Yet other types of men don't even register.

 

As for baking and cooking, I'm not suggesting you don't have a lot of other great traits, but this is definitely the hook you use. I'm not going to go searching for it, but you were advising another poster recently on why she ought to cook and care for a new guy in order to get a guy. These behaviors usually attract a certain type of guy. You're very proud of the fact that you're so giving. But think about the ex that brought you to LS. IIRC, you felt you were so giving and he took advantage of that. You chose to do things to your own detriment.

 

Who you end up dating is entirely within your control. By your own admission you seem to attract a certain type of guy. I'm simply pointing out the role you play in that outcome--both in who appeals to you and how you then ensure that you appeal to them.

 

It's simply an outsider's observation for you to use if you're serious about changing the end result. As with any advice, take it or leave it as you wish. Your life. Your choice.

 

Just need to make something known for those of you that have the wrong idea about my assumed 'type' of guy...

 

The corrections officer was NOT in great shape. He had little muscle tone and a belly and that was FINE with me. I was very attracted to him!

 

I dated a guy back in December/Janurary who was a 6/10, he never went to the gym, had a few extra pounds on him but we had a huge amount of sexual tension between us (I actually made a thread about it) I wanted to jump on him every time I saw him

 

A lot of the guys I've dated were in great shape and above average in the looks department BUT I'm also attracted to guys who are average looking too

 

*Record set straight*

[angel.eyes]

He texted me today...

 

First because he was at the hospital that I have clinical at and wanted to grab a coffee with me...I wasnt there today so I told him that

 

Then tonight to wish me luck on the exam

 

I havent told him yet that I dont think its going to work

 

Nursing school is doing a number on my brain, I swear I'm loosing brain cells every minute that goes by because of how intensive it is...so overwhelmed

 

Little things like him texting me and checking in with me, plus he hasnt been on match since I have him my number (I checked) make me doubt myself

 

I'm doing the right thing by telling him we're not a match right???

 

Why was he at the hospital? Does he routinely go there anyway? Or was he there to check up on you (after only two dates)?

 

Please think hard about why you're having such a hard time walking away. What about him is so appealing that you feel compelled to continue despite your intuition screaming otherwise? What buttons is he pushing?

[selinaluv]

He texted me today...

 

First because he was at the hospital that I have clinical at and wanted to grab a coffee with me...I wasnt there today so I told him that

 

Then tonight to wish me luck on the exam

 

I havent told him yet that I dont think its going to work

 

Nursing school is doing a number on my brain, I swear I'm loosing brain cells every minute that goes by because of how intensive it is...so overwhelmed

 

Little things like him texting me and checking in with me, plus he hasnt been on match since I have him my number (I checked) make me doubt myself

 

I'm doing the right thing by telling him we're not a match right???

 

You have been doubting this one since the beginning and he has given you reason to do so.

 

Listen to your gut. There should be no doubts. If he was the one for you this thread would have been over a long time ago. When it is right, there is no doubt.

 

Let him go and focus on school. If you want to dip you foot back in, good for you. But make sure you are focusing your valuable time on the right ones.

[selinaluv]

Why was he at the hospital? Does he routinely go there anyway? Or was he there to check up on you (after only two dates)?

 

Yeah, how does he happen to be at the hospital? People aren't randomly at hospitals. I find that pretty random to be honest.

[Dis]

Why was he at the hospital? Does he routinely go there anyway? Or was he there to check up on you (after only two dates)?

 

Please think hard about why you're having such a hard time walking away. What about him is so appealing that you feel compelled to continue despite your intuition screaming otherwise? What buttons is he pushing?

 

Yeah, how does he happen to be at the hospital? People aren't randomly at hospitals. I find that pretty random to be honest.

 

He works for a company that sells medical equipment to the hospital where I have my clinicals. If after I tell him it's not going to work and he shows up then I'd be worried

[Dis]

Let me be clear about what I said, and I'm sorry if I put you on the defensive.

 

I noticed you jumped immediately to the body type and ignored what I led with in the description--you go for law and order strong types. Again, I'm not criticizing you. Just pointing out themes in who you're attracted to. This personality type is like catnip for you. You have an incredibly hard time walking away from them even when there are red flags galore. Yet other types of men don't even register.

 

As for baking and cooking, I'm not suggesting you don't have a lot of other great traits, but this is definitely the hook you use. I'm not going to go searching for it, but you were advising another poster recently on why she ought to cook and care for a new guy in order to get a guy. These behaviors usually attract a certain type of guy. You're very proud of the fact that you're so giving. But think about the ex that brought you to LS. IIRC, you felt you were so giving and he took advantage of that. You chose to do things to your own detriment.

 

Who you end up dating is entirely within your control. By your own admission you seem to attract a certain type of guy. I'm simply pointing out the role you play in that outcome--both in who appeals to you and how you then ensure that you appeal to them.

 

It's simply an outsider's observation for you to use if you're serious about changing the end result. As with any advice, take it or leave it as you wish. Your life. Your choice.

 

Most of what you're saying is true. I have made a lot of bad choices with men. My decisions have been to my detriment because I do like a certain type of guy. But it's not so much about looks as it is an alpha personality. I've dated guys that were more passive (and probably really good guys) but I passed on them because I didn't get that rush (catnip is a good way to put it)

 

I recognize what I'm doing wrong and although it may not sound like it, I desperately want to change it. I think going on dates with guys I might not usually go for would be a good start. I decided to start using match again using this different approach

 

If I don't change this, I'll be on LS complaining about why 'I cant find a good guy' for eternity. I know I have a lot of blame in my failed dating life. But I want to take responsibility for that now instead of acting like a victim.

 

The one thing I would correct in your post is...I don't cook to 'hook' guys. I do it out of generosity. Even of I didn't cook for my bfs, I would still be a catch. I'm not trying to win anyone over. I know my value as a person and a partner.

 

I really needed to hear this input angel. Thank you. I'll put it to good use moving forward

[Dis]

Why was he at the hospital? Does he routinely go there anyway? Or was he there to check up on you (after only two dates)?

 

Please think hard about why you're having such a hard time walking away. What about him is so appealing that you feel compelled to continue despite your intuition screaming otherwise? What buttons is he pushing?

 

You have been doubting this one since the beginning and he has given you reason to do so.

 

Listen to your gut. There should be no doubts. If he was the one for you this thread would have been over a long time ago. When it is right, there is no doubt.

 

Let him go and focus on school. If you want to dip you foot back in, good for you. But make sure you are focusing your valuable time on the right ones.

 

It was late when I starting doubting myself. I always do that late at night

 

I guess I just want something to work so badly that I'm scared I'll lead myself in the wrong direction. I was still holding onto the hope that on some off chance he could be good for me despite all thr glaring red flags

 

But I know hes not. I don't trust him. I don't feel attracted to him. I don't feel safe with him. I can't picture being intimate with him. He seems very much like a love bomber and a guy that would be very dangerous to date...as in investing emotions in him would lead to a lot of hurt for me. Hes also not mature when it comes to relationships. He wants things his way.

 

I'm going to tell him today that its not going to work

[myothernic2]

My girl Cookies!

 

Yup, I go through moments where I feel like maybe, I can get my feet wet again. Then I try and things like this happen

 

I thought I'd give him a shot but of course my initial gut feeling was right

 

I'm on match right now, I'm deciding if I have it in me to give it another shot and really put myself out there...

 

Thanks for being in my corner as always, you're awesome girl

 

I know it's frustrating but if a relationship is what you want, do not throw in the towl. There are moments when that's okay but you have to get yourself back in that head space and put yourself back out there. Multiple failures are hard to swallow but it's all worth it in the end.

[angel.eyes]

I'm glad the input has been helpful.

 

By the way, it's not about blaming yourself. There's no need to get down on yourself. It's more about taking responsibility as you're doing so that you can do better.

 

Maybe I'm nitpicking. But the former is negative and critical of yourself, which just leads to dejection and a feeling of hopelessness about the situation. Taking responsibility is much more positive and empowering, if that makes any sense. It's affirming that you can do better and are confident in your ability and power to get to a different result. It's optimistic. So, you're recognizing an outcome you want to change, and then looking for themes and commonalities that often lead to that outcome. Once you can see those, then it's easier to avoid the outcome. When you're in the midst of the situation, it can be hard to see a pattern that's obvious to an outsider. That's where we can be helpful.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best. Dating takes patience. I have no doubt you will find happiness with the right guy. You have to kiss a few frogs to find the prince.

Edited March 1, 2017 by angel.eyes