This Probably Wouldnt Go Well???

[bluefeather]

Caaareful. You already know he's a liar.

[SevenCity]

D, I'm really surprised you are going out with this guy now.

 

I'm thinking back to him being rude with the wait staff and throwing a tantrum, reminding you of your ex, then conveniently addressing all your concerns delivered in a pretty wrapped package. You basically told him exactly what to say to put your mind at ease.

 

That feeling of "off" you couldn't put your finger on initially was your gut screaming at you. It's your minds way of taking your past experiences and applying them to future warning signs of danger. It's not always clear, but it is rarely wrong.

 

The sheer amount of the text exchange BEFORE you two have even had a date is a huge red flag for me. He acts like you are already in a relationship and smacks of a controlling D-bag.

 

When I get rejected my reply is one of three things depending on the situation:

1 - Thanks, give me a call if you change your mind (RARELY used)

2 - Thanks for letting me know, take care and good luck!

3 - No response at all

 

I would not even fathom giving anything more than either 2 or 3 if a girl cancelled prior to a first date.

 

My biggest concern is he will act correctly after being prompted by you and then go full retard once you have feelings for him.

[Dis]

D, I'm really surprised you are going out with this guy now.

 

I'm thinking back to him being rude with the wait staff and throwing a tantrum, reminding you of your ex, then conveniently addressing all your concerns delivered in a pretty wrapped package. You basically told him exactly what to say to put your mind at ease.

 

That feeling of "off" you couldn't put your finger on initially was your gut screaming at you. It's your minds way of taking your past experiences and applying them to future warning signs of danger. It's not always clear, but it is rarely wrong.

 

The sheer amount of the text exchange BEFORE you two have even had a date is a huge red flag for me. He acts like you are already in a relationship and smacks of a controlling D-bag.

 

When I get rejected my reply is one of three things depending on the situation:

1 - Thanks, give me a call if you change your mind (RARELY used)

2 - Thanks for letting me know, take care and good luck!

3 - No response at all

 

I would not even fathom giving anything more than either 2 or 3 if a girl cancelled prior to a first date.

 

My biggest concern is he will act correctly after being prompted by you and then go full retard once you have feelings for him.

 

I know

 

I dont know what to do anymore

 

I feel like I'm going to cry again. I've been a ball of tears for the past week. Wtf is wrong with me???

 

Uhhhh...a part of me wants a lobotomy...my mind is a mess

 

It doesnt help that people are telling me different things...I'm so easily influenced by people. But I asked for that. My gfs are telling me to give him a chance....most of you are saying nut uh

 

Its just one date...I can always take off and never talk to him again

 

God I have the loudest, most indecisive mind

[Jj66]

D, I'm really surprised you are going out with this guy now.

 

I'm thinking back to him being rude with the wait staff and throwing a tantrum, reminding you of your ex, then conveniently addressing all your concerns delivered in a pretty wrapped package. You basically told him exactly what to say to put your mind at ease.

 

That feeling of "off" you couldn't put your finger on initially was your gut screaming at you. It's your minds way of taking your past experiences and applying them to future warning signs of danger. It's not always clear, but it is rarely wrong.

 

The sheer amount of the text exchange BEFORE you two have even had a date is a huge red flag for me. He acts like you are already in a relationship and smacks of a controlling D-bag.

 

When I get rejected my reply is one of three things depending on the situation:

1 - Thanks, give me a call if you change your mind (RARELY used)

2 - Thanks for letting me know, take care and good luck!

3 - No response at all

 

I would not even fathom giving anything more than either 2 or 3 if a girl cancelled prior to a first date.

 

My biggest concern is he will act correctly after being prompted by you and then go full retard once you have feelings for him.

 

Nailed it I'm afraid.

 

And I have exactly the same rejection strategy, BTW. The most she would have gotten from me would be "bummer, I was looking forward to meeting you. Good luck in your search"

 

His being rude to the waiter shows significant douchebaggery. That was always a deal breaker to me on first dates since I have better results when I date nice people.

 

His last letter was polished, but like you said she gave him the outline. If she had mentioned the waiter I'm sure he would have tried to explain that one away, too. I'm surprised he didn't blame her or try to convince her she was wrong. It must have been really hard if he's the narcissist I am afraid he is. But he knew it was his only shot.

[Dis]

Nailed it I'm afraid.

 

And I have exactly the same rejection strategy, BTW. The most she would have gotten from me would be "bummer, I was looking forward to meeting you. Good luck in your search"

 

His being rude to the waiter shows significant douchebaggery. That was always a deal breaker to me on first dates since I have better results when I date nice people.

 

His last letter was polished, but like you said she gave him the outline. If she had mentioned the waiter I'm sure he would have tried to explain that one away, too. I'm surprised he didn't blame her or try to convince her she was wrong. It must have been really hard if he's the narcissist I am afraid he is. But he knew it was his only shot.

 

I heard him acting rude to the waiter once. Then he was calling him 'sir' after that and using manners. Dont know if that makes any difference

 

I gave him the outline? Ya...I probably did

 

If he is a narcissist, which I think he might be. Why would he take the time and make the effort to get a date with me? Why would he try to salvage this? Wouldnt he just think hes above me and move on?

[Jj66]

I know

 

I dont know what to do anymore

 

I feel like I'm going to cry again. I've been a ball of tears for the past week. Wtf is wrong with me???

 

Uhhhh...a part of me wants a lobotomy...my mind is a mess

 

It doesnt help that people are telling me different things...I'm so easily influenced by people. But I asked for that. My gfs are telling me to give him a chance....most of you are saying nut uh

 

Its just one date...I can always take off and never talk to him again

 

God I have the loudest, most indecisive mind

 

Go on the date with an open mind. Trust your friends. They know more about him and you than we on the Internet possibly can.

 

We are here because we have had significant relationship problems so we are extra keen about these things. It can also cause us to extrapolate an entire story based on very scant information. You have to take our advice with a grain of salt and an ounce of discernment.

 

I really hope I am wrong about him just like you hope you are wrong about my gf. I promise never to say I told you so and will be among the fist to admit I was wrong about him if it pans out well.

[Jj66]

 

If he is a narcissist, which I think he might be. Why would he take the time and make the effort to get a date with me? Why would he try to salvage this? Wouldnt he just think hes above me and move on?

 

Because you rejected him. He can't handle the narcissistic injury. He has to show you that you were wrong to reject him in order to feel good about himself.

 

Most healthy men would respond to rejection using one of the 3 methods mentioned in a previous post.

[goldway90]

Because you rejected him. He can't handle the narcissistic injury. He has to show you that you were wrong to reject him in order to feel good about himself.

 

Most healthy men would respond to rejection using one of the 3 methods mentioned in a previous post.

 

Exactly she became a challenge and that's what narcissists love.

[Dis]

Go on the date with an open mind. Trust your friends. They know more about him and you than we on the Internet possibly can.

 

We are here because we have had significant relationship problems so we are extra keen about these things. It can also cause us to extrapolate an entire story based on very scant information. You have to take our advice with a grain of salt and an ounce of discernment.

 

I really hope I am wrong about him just like you hope you are wrong about my gf. I promise never to say I told you so and will be among the fist to admit I was wrong about him if it pans out well.

 

Thanks Jj

 

This was nice to hear...it put things into perspective

 

I promise I'll do the same for you

[SevenCity]

Go on the date with an open mind. Trust your friends. They know more about him and you than we on the Internet possibly can.

 

We are here because we have had significant relationship problems so we are extra keen about these things. It can also cause us to extrapolate an entire story based on very scant information. You have to take our advice with a grain of salt and an ounce of discernment.

 

I really hope I am wrong about him just like you hope you are wrong about my gf. I promise never to say I told you so and will be among the fist to admit I was wrong about him if it pans out well.

 

Open should be clarified. Not only "He may not be a dbag" but also "I was right about him". You have to be open to either possibility.

 

My biggest concern is you have primed him on what he did wrong. Guys aren't stupid and will sell you a fairytale to get in your pants. You've given this guy clear direction on your concerns and if he's smart, he'll hide his poor behavior and come across as the best guy in the world...for now.

 

As I'm looking for a serious gf I almost never say anything I'm not happy with about them. I want a girl to be in her natural state when she's with me. I'll reward with praise for good behavior (I really liked when you did X, or I really appreciate you doing Y) but I rarely say anything when they have done something wrong. I want to give them enough rope to hang themselves lest I end up with a girl who'll change on me after I've fallen for her.

 

It's depressing but it's working. I see very quickly when a woman is excluded from a LTR with me based on her actions.

[GemmaUK]

I almost never say anything I'm not happy with about them. I want a girl to be in her natural state when she's with me. I'll reward with praise for good behavior (I really liked when you did X, or I really appreciate you doing Y) but I rarely say anything when they have done something wrong. I want to give them enough rope to hang themselves lest I end up with a girl who'll change on me after I've fallen for her.

 

It's depressing but it's working. I see very quickly when a woman is excluded from a LTR with me based on her actions.

 

Absolutely agree -I do the same also and yes It works very well.

 

Did, please do not go on this date with an open mind.

You have multiple reasons not to do that. Don't give any info as to places you hang out, work or live just in case he is not easy to get away from (he has proven he is not easy to get away from already twice over btw).

 

I suspect you won't ant to cancel again but I would - he has already replied to your it's not going anywhere message with a passive aggressive and manipulative response and his apologetic response has won you back around.

He is already manipulating you.

 

I think he will likely attempt to behave like a dream guy on your date but he has already several times over shown he isn't.

Basically your gut instinct and the reason you posted served you well. All of his other correspondence has just proved your instinct was right.

 

The only thing you are not doing it following it through and sticking to your guns with acting on it.

He knows pretty much all of the things now that you didn't like - you fed him those so he has a tonne of things to work on and will know how to make excuses for things and work his way around them.

 

If it were me I would go silent or just cancel Wednesday. If I thought I would be tempted to reply I'd block his number right after sending.

 

Don't forget what you have just been through - the crash - you're not at your strongest self so forgive yourself for your indecision. Also, he is a manipulator - so winning you over is fun for him.

But - I suspect you are not keen on this up-coming date. If you are not then cancel it and don't reply to any more text or calls from him.

 

ETA:

Recommend read for you Dis:

https://www.amazon.com/Aunt-Alexs-Army-Manual-Narcissist-ebook/dp/B005IDUAR2

It's very good, very honest and also funny at the same time.

I think it would be a perfect read for you

Edited February 19, 2017 by GemmaUK

[Chilli]

Sad thing is , try finding a chick that doesn't do and assume all the same stuff and maybe then some. Especially the entitled l can do better thing or 5 or 10yr old photos.

One said to me , oh, l only really have 1pic l hate having my photo , it's about 4yrs old but no matter - ummm, well actually there was about 20kg difference and about 10yrs in looks difference.

2 others gave me every excuse you could think of and l got the shallow lecture bc l wanted photos.

 

Tricky business this OLD stuff , whichever way you cut it,

[selinaluv]

I guarantee you this is love-of-the-chase guy with his ego hurting right now.

 

He is trying way too hard to lock down this date when most guys would have been long gone by now. This has to do more with him and his ego then you.

 

I have no doubt that a couple dates in he would probably fade.

 

He sounds like someone I wrote about a bit ago. He initially said he wasn't looking for anything serious and I was okay with that. We had a date, then he changed it up and wanted me to wait around hours for him because of his changed plans. When I said no, he insisted and later texted me in the middle of the night telling me how much fun he had without me.

 

I told him it wasn't going to work and I was no longer interested.

 

After that I ignored him and he continued to send multiple texts that went unanswered begging to see me. I should have blocked, but didn't because I was curious to see how long he would try.

 

Finally on Thanksgiving he said hello and I told him a white lie that I was starting to see someone seriously (I was dating someone, but it wasn't serious). I had to because he didn't take my initial not interested seriously. He wished me luck, but continued to text. I finally blocked him.

 

I have no doubt that despite all that he was hurt that I didn't want him. That I rejected him (but ultimately it was him who started it when he flaked on our date). I believe that after a date or two he would have faded because for him it was about the chase.

 

I say move on to the next. You haven't met this guy (unless I missed something) and really don't owe him anything.

Edited February 19, 2017 by selinaluv

[Purepony]

Meet him up and ifbits bad just leave

Geez this isn't rocket science !

[Chilli]

Meet him up and ifbits bad just leave

Geez this isn't rocket science !

 

Haha yep, probably as gooda plan as any

[Dis]

Hi guys!

 

Just wanted to say thank you so much for all the input and advice. You guys are awesome!

 

The thing is, I really need to stop analyzing things so much, my tendency to overthink is can be pretty deterimental to my goal in dating...I really need to break that pattern now...it hasnt served me well in the past and I know it never will

 

I've learned a lot about dating from all you you and on my own...I'm confident I can make good decisions and move forward in a positive direction

 

Thanks again for all your help guys!

[Cookiesandough]

This guy is a perfect example of why I just say I can't make it and let my silence say they rest if I have not enough interest this early on . Psycho. No means no

Edited February 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Dis]

Hi guys!

 

So the date was last night

 

It actually went super well! I think I got the wrong impression of him on the phone because in person he was much different. He asked me a lot of questions about myself, the convo was great. Def a two sided convo, we had a lot to talk about. Our views on spirituality line up pretty well...which is surprising because most people are Christian and neither of us are

 

He showed interest, touching my arm and my hair. We were sitting in a round booth and he had his arm extended on the back of the booth towards me, I had my leg crossed towards him

 

He apologized again for the phone convo, he didnt have to but he did. He told me that he felt really relaxed and comfortable with me (I get that a lot, all my dates say the same thing) so he said maybe that led him to say some things he shouldnt have. During the date he did call me 'sweetie' a few times I generally dont like that so early on, I've had guys do that to me in the past and I didnt like that but I didnt mind it with him

 

He listened to me the whole date, I was concerned he wouldnt because of the phone call but but we were both actively participating in the convo. He said, "You probably have your pick of guys to choose from" I told him I'm not that type of girl, I dont jump around (maybe I shouldnt have said that) He said hes the same way and he hasnt been on match since I gave him my number. Whether or not thats true...who knows

 

He asked me what my week looked like. I told him I have an exam in a week so I'm going to be pretty busy studying but I didnt have an plans for the weekend. I was kind of unclear if I was free so he didnt ask me out again...thats kind of bugging me but I need to get my expectations in check

 

I accidentatly told him to meet me at 9:30 instead of 8:30. So when I realized that I asked him if he could get here earlier. He left his place right away and got there early. He paid for the check when I was using the restroom, it was 11:00 so we were both tired

 

He walked me out to my car (I just got a new car and was telling him about it) he asked me to turn the car on so he could take a look at the miles and all that guy stuff. Then he gave me alittle kiss on the cheek and a hug. He didnt kiss me though! (My gfs say he was trying to be a gentleman and tread lightly because he messed up before) I usually like a kiss on the first date if I'm feeling a guy but he just gave me a hug and said, 'Can I give you a call?" I said, "Ya" Then he wished me luck at school tomorrow and I got in my car

 

So all in all, it was a really good date. Its just hard putting myself back out there. I got home from the date and felt kind of let down...maybe because there was no kiss...or because he didnt ask me out when he asked me how my week looked...or probably because I was exhausted. I'm kind of expecting a fairytale and I know it doesnt work that way. I'm trying to work on that. The uneasiness of the beginning stages of dating doesnt sit well with me but its def better than it was before. Progress!

 

I'm offically changing up my mindset! I'm going to enjoy this because either way this goes, the right guys is out there so I'm not going to stress

Edited February 23, 2017 by Disillusionment373

[Purepony]

Wow .... 10 pages of scorned people saying no no no

 

I'm glad you went and I'm glad you had a good time

Thanks for the update because I was curious to hear about this too

[Dis]

Wow .... 10 pages of scorned people saying no no no

 

I'm glad you went and I'm glad you had a good time

Thanks for the update because I was curious to hear about this too

 

Thanks Purepony!

 

He just asked me if I'd like to hang out on Saturday

 

Things are great so far!

[Shanex]

Sounds great, D373. I'm glad this went well despite the long-winded roller-coaster thread, which usually mean little before you've actually spent a night and a date with a guy.

 

Keep us posted, if this morph into a relationship and something meaningful for either of you. Well done, you deserve it.

[Weezy1973]

Follow the 3 date rule. No stressing or analyzing until after 3 dates - and then the only reason why you would be is if you're starting to think you might want to be exclusive. No drama. No analyzing. Restful sleeps. It works! Just enjoy dating in the meantime...

[SevenCity]

Glad it worked out!

[CaliforniaGirl]

Thanks Purepony!

 

He just asked me if I'd like to hang out on Saturday

 

Things are great so far!

 

What are you guys planning on doing?

[Dis]

What are you guys planning on doing?

 

He's going to call me to work out the details

 

Seems like he prefers phone calls over texts...maybe because hes a little older but either one is fine with me as long as we're communicating