That Magic Number...

[elaine567]

Most men AND women do not like it if the number seems too high but the truth is most adults have regular sex and even those in 1 or 2 "acceptable" LT relationships have have had sex literally hundreds or thousands of times so what does it matter if they have had sex with with a few different people to add to the mix.

 

I get that few want to be associated with truly promiscuous people as it tends to get messy with cheating and inappropriate flirting and loads of exes popping out of the woodwork, but "the number" may give no indication of how a person operates NOW and as I said before, the number may be a big fat lie anyway so why place such store on it?

Virgins/near virgins are usually desperate to have other experiences sooner or later, so they are not a "safe" bet either for those who want a low number woman/man.

 

It is really better to assess the person you have in front of you rather than rely on the number they tell you.

If she/he tells you 2 and you nod approvingly, but she/he is then draping herself/himself over every hot guy/girl they meet then forget the low number, you have a problem.

[PrettyEmily77]

There is nothing really have baked about it. Assumptions are really all you have to go off of when getting to know someone and how they think.

 

 

In my opinion, it is healthier to learn how to get to know someone without any assumptions. I personally find it very difficult to get a sense of who the person is with stats and I wouldn't want a guy to consider me a 'prize' (or whatever) based on that criterion alone. That's why I said I don't want to be valued either way.

 

 

That criterion doesn't affect me one way or the other, and I haven't found any correlation between low/high number people and good long term material prospects. I don't judge a guy on that, but I also need far longer than a few dates to determine whether a relationship is worth pursuing or not. Of course the past is relevant - not random stats on their own that mean nothing, though. I don't care about the 'number', but I do care about the context.

Edited February 14, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[Els]

I'm all for partners sharing whatever intimate details they mutually choose to share, but asking someone for their number like an interrogator is plain crass IMO. This goes double when they're doing it at such an early date!

 

I have a (very) low number, and if I ever dated anyone who tried asking that on the first date, I'd ditch them immediately. Doesn't matter if it's because he's controlling, or chauvinistic, or lacking in class, or just plain socially inept - all of the possibilities are bad news.

[Shining One]

Almost everyone judges potential mates on numbers. They judge by the number of inches the top of your head is from the ground, by the number that appears when you stand on a scale, by the number on your paycheck, and/or by the number of sexual partners you've had.

 

I've been asked about all four of these by women on early dates. It's never offended me, but I'm not easily offended. Why the sexual history number generates so much "hate" is beyond me. A woman asking me about my number of partners is no more offensive to me than a woman asking about my height. For the record, I've never asked a woman about her partner count first... I've only asked in response to her asking me.

[fireflywy]

Most men AND women do not like it if the number seems too high but the truth is most adults have regular sex and even those in 1 or 2 "acceptable" LT relationships have have had sex literally hundreds or thousands of times so what does it matter if they have had sex with with a few different people to add to the mix. .

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but that thousand tImes with one person in a committed relationship (to me) should be an act done by two people who (hopefully anyway) are also developing a bond where sex is an indicator of romantic and emontional intimacy. This is much different than the guy or gal who goes to the bar a hundred times with a hundred different people and says "You and me! Tonight!" They could be the nicest person in the world but I would take that as a major red flag. But I'm probably old fashioned.. shrug.

 

Plus the STD factor is to be considered. There is evidence that STD are proliferating and becoming more precarious as things once treatable become immune to antibiotics in new superstrains. The YOLO hook up culture and tinder are aiding this proliferation and many people may be asymptomatic before they sleep with you. Of course this could happen with one person who has only had one partner but when someone has 50 and each of those partners are getting around, that's a huge statistical increase in exposure risk

 

In the end if I was going to ask,, I'd rather know sooner then later before I put myself at risk in a relationship with an incompatible person or even physically due to their greater risk of exposure to nasty bugs. I wouldn't appreciate them hiding it until they wrangled me into a relationship and then said.. "Oh by the way... now that I have you, and because we're talking about it, I've done this with large x of people." That would be a bit of a dirty manipulation.

 

And who said you have to ask this on the first date? That's a little presumptuous that you are going to get to those bases. THAT'S the real red flag me thinks. Lol

Edited February 15, 2017 by fireflywy

[goingcrazy123]

Everyone wants to do what they want freely but yet they do not want to be judged on what they do or held accountable. Would you buy a car not knowing the miles? Would you buy something at the store not knowing the price? Im not a casual sex type of person. My numbers are low. I have do not and have not have casual sex or slept around. I feel that people who conduct themselves like that have a lower self worth I would not want to be with someone like that. Call me insecure but Im not. I just have no respect for it and want someone who thinks the same way I do. Would you want a "new" car with 400,000 miles??? If you worked hard and saved all your money would you want to be with someone who does not work hard and blows the whole paycheck on scratch tickets etc? It comes down to compatability in my eyes so why not be honest about who you are and what you did ...... because you are ashamed of it? You did it so own it, dont switch blambe to the other person who asks for being insecure or some other bs.

[PrettyEmily77]

I have a (very) low number, and if I ever dated anyone who tried asking that on the first date, I'd ditch them immediately. Doesn't matter if it's because he's controlling, or chauvinistic, or lacking in class, or just plain socially inept - all of the possibilities are bad news.

 

 

This. I am on the low side of the spectrum too but by the sounds of it, I would not be a right fit with a guy demanding a low count partner, or even demanding to know. I'd much rather an open-minded partner, whatever his own count.

[Els]

Almost everyone judges potential mates on numbers. They judge by the number of inches the top of your head is from the ground, by the number that appears when you stand on a scale, by the number on your paycheck, and/or by the number of sexual partners you've had.

 

I've been asked about all four of these by women on early dates.

 

Dafug?!?! Geez, no wonder your opinion of women is so poor. What sort of women are you even asking out??

 

I can't imagine a scenario, barring a literal arranged marriage, where asking a date for their salary or weight the first time you meet them is acceptable.

[preraph]

I've always found this to be true.

 

I feel this question is hard for me. I'd always be honest with a bf who asked but I don't want to talk too much about men in my past. I'm quite an emotional person and casual sex isn't usually my cup of tea. I don't want to be defined by isolated incidents in my life. I feel like I've gone through a lot. I know what some men are like. You suddenly get less respect because you're less virginal than they want you to be. I'm reassured by the responses here though, that some guys will be pretty decent about that kind of thing.

 

I'm just feeling a lot of frustration at the moment as all the guys I meet only seem interested in something casual. I don't flaunt myself at them and I reckon I'm a good person but yeah it's like 'enough is enough'. I'd just love a night of decent polite and intelligent conversation with a man not him asking me questions about sex or just spending time. It would be nice for a change

 

I hear you. Yes, and the fact that so many of them really just want something casual and this is the same bunch who feel entitled to know your number is just one more reason I think it's mainly because they're insecure sexually.

[Shining One]

Geez, no wonder your opinion of women is so poor.

Believe it or not, I don't have a poor opinion of women in general. I do have a poor opinion of most of the women I've dated though.

What sort of women are you even asking out??

Most of these are women I met on Match. Nothing seemed odd in the profiles.

I can't imagine a scenario, barring a literal arranged marriage, where asking a date for their salary or weight the first time you meet them is acceptable.

As I mentioned earlier, I wasn't offended by these questions. I don't think I've ever been offended by a woman's questions, no matter how socially inappropriate they are. I tend to take offense to certain actions or lack thereof.

 

The woman who asked about the salary had a minimum salary requirement (that matches her own) on Match. She had a string of bad experiences with men lying on their profiles to get past her filters. The woman who asked about weight was worried that I was lighter than her. She was relieved to find I had about 20 lbs. on her.

[Shining One]

First, let me declare I don't judge women on their number of sexual partners. I expect a woman who has the same views on sex as I do to have a significantly higher partner count simply because she will have far more opportunities.

 

With that being said, what advice would you give to men who care about this number for reasons other than insecurity? If this number is important to them, what should they do?

[Els]

 

With that being said, what advice would you give to men who care about this number for reasons other than insecurity? If this number is important to them, what should they do?

 

1. Have a number close to their ideal, themselves. I cannot overstress the importance of this.

2. Disclose their own number in mutual conversation at an appropriate time. "Appropriate time" varies, but to me that will be after a month or so. If you are having sex earlier than that, it's possible that it will be earlier. First date is NOT the right time.

3. See if she reciprocates.

 

It's what my SO and exes did, anyway.

[Shining One]

2. Disclose their own number in mutual conversation at an appropriate time. "Appropriate time" varies, but to me that will be after a month or so. If you are having sex earlier than that, it's possible that it will be earlier. First date is NOT the right time.

Volunteering the information first makes a lot of sense. As far as the appropriate time is concerned... You're saying you would rather date a man for a month, possibly having sex with him in that time frame, and then find out your number is a deal-breaker for him? Personally, if any numerical attribute of mine is a deal-breaker for a woman, I'd prefer to find out sooner than later. I know I'm an oddity though, so I would not be surprised if that's just me.

[Els]

Volunteering the information first makes a lot of sense. As far as the appropriate time is concerned... You're saying you would rather date a man for a month, possibly having sex with him in that time frame, and then find out your number is a deal-breaker for him? Personally, if any numerical attribute of mine is a deal-breaker for a woman, I'd prefer to find out sooner than later. I know I'm an oddity though, so I would not be surprised if that's just me.

 

The earliest I've had (any sort of) sex was after dating for 2 months, so no, I wouldn't have had sex with him without having had that conversation. Like I said, though, if someone wants it sooner, it makes sense to talk about it sooner.

 

But if a man wants to have sex on the 1st date (or first few dates), is there really any justifiable reason for him needing to know the woman's number? The only justifiable reason I can think of for a woman's number being important to a man, is if he's the type of person who believes in only having sex in committed Rs and wants someone who feels likewise. If that's not him, why is it so important for him to know?

[PrettyEmily77]

The only justifiable reason I can think of for a woman's number being important to a man, is if he's the type of person who believes in only having sex in committed Rs and wants someone who feels likewise. If that's not him, why is it so important for him to know?

 

Even those men, those who are comfortable in their own skin and have no underlying hangups or insecurities, have other ways of finding out that information without asking for digits - those who don't want a relationship based on sex anyway, in my experience. Simply getting to know the person and waiting for the R to be established in order to have sex, as opposed to expecting it early, is one way of doing it; the guys who don't stick around after a certain deadline (by date 3 or whatever, for instance) have no reason to want to know unless they're after an easy lay and want to be able to drop the girl at a moment's notice with their conscience clear.

 

In any case, if both potential partners are happy to ask and/or answer this specific question at any point in their relationship, then that's fine - I don't personally understand why this would be a requirement and not once have I been asked or asked myself.

Edited February 16, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[Haydn]

Only been asked once. It all went downhill from there. (Ex that brought me here)

 

I don`t have high numbers. (Not for want of offers;)

 

But she was a jealous type. For her it was never really the number i think but more the sex.

 

She`d drive herself crazy. I found it impossible to answer her questions.

 

Mind you this was the Ex who demanded i take her on holiday to all the same places i had gone on with previous GF.

[phineas]

Hey crucible!

 

Omg guys actually ask you that??? Wtf???

 

If a guy does that again, tell them its none of their business

 

Sounds like the guys you've dated are really insecure if they're going to treat you differently based on the number of guys you've slept with

 

That question really shouldnt come up until you're in a serious relationship and even then (as long as you used protection) it shouldnt matter

 

This.

I don't care nor want to know how many guys a woman has been with.

because the last thing i want is them asking me how many i've been with. lol.

[todreaminblue]

I agree. But this can and does fall under deal breakers. It's like asking if the guy wants kids. At my age, this is a question that comes up right away. It's a very personal question as well.

 

I still think that the question is inappropriate in the beginning stages of dating. Interestingly, a large number will mean less once a guy is falling for you.

 

 

 

high numbers is a turn off not only for men but some women too....and i do understand that i woudltn want to dat eguy i knew felt uncomfortable with my pas tto the point fo viewign me differently...my past is uncomfortable it is fro me...but i know who i am ...and seven city heres hoping that high numbers mean less once they fall for me...numbers wotn eb as importan tto him as who i am now...........getting him to fall for me though...hmmm....i could take his knee caps out...:0)...kidding...maybe not...i know seven city the right guy for me is waiting for me and probably just as impatient as i am.....deb

[Chilli]

Don't think l've ever asked a girl "the number" as people seem to call it not even my own wife of 19yrs.

But t all comes out anyway and with the type of girl l normally go for it's never very high at all.

 

But funny thing though, only today , my gf, this is LD we've been together 12mths now but just broke for a little while. So l did have a post here about someone else- but LD and l are back - Just thought l'd explain that before someone starts picking at my other post.

Anyway, she just asked me today actually- and l had to laugh but she says - it's under 100 though, right?

l'm thinking 100 , holy hell l'm fussy and l was married 19yrs anyway, how the hell would l find a 100 of them.

Man slut :laugh:

Edited February 16, 2017 by Chilli

[Shining One]

The earliest I've had (any sort of) sex was after dating for 2 months, so no, I wouldn't have had sex with him without having had that conversation. Like I said, though, if someone wants it sooner, it makes sense to talk about it sooner.

Fair enough. However, my point was that you would rather invest time (and potentially other things) in the relationship before determining this potential deal-breaker rather than have the guy ask the question too early at an inappropriate time.

But if a man wants to have sex on the 1st date (or first few dates), is there really any justifiable reason for him needing to know the woman's number? The only justifiable reason I can think of for a woman's number being important to a man, is if he's the type of person who believes in only having sex in committed Rs and wants someone who feels likewise. If that's not him, why is it so important for him to know?

I'm just speculating here since I don't care about this particular number. Some reasons may include tradition or religion. He may also simply want a woman with a low partner count. There was a thread here from a guy who had a low partner count and wanted the same, but I couldn't find it. I don't recall his particular reason.

[Shining One]

I don't personally understand why this would be a requirement and not once have I been asked or asked myself.

Many people have requirements I don't understand. People want what they want. This is just another potential criterion.

[Shining One]

1. Have a number close to their ideal, themselves. I cannot overstress the importance of this.

I meant to ask about this earlier. Why does he need to have a number close to his ideal? I mean, I understand it should be close for the sake of fairness, but many people want things in a partner that they don't necessarily have themselves. I'm sure you have requirements of men that you don't meet yourself.

[PrettyEmily77]

Many people have requirements I don't understand. People want what they want. This is just another potential criterion.

 

Taken on its own by date 3, that's just a number.

 

What does a bunch of stats tell you about another person ?

 

I mean data analysis is fine for businesses - they don't mean much when you want to get to know someone genuinely for the purpose of an actual relationship. For that, context is everything. And you don't get context without investing time.

 

Wanting to know the actual number, to me, is an indicator that the guy doesn't really want to invest any time to get to know me properly, either because he is on the clock dating-wise and is following a well-rehearsed script he can't deviate from regardless of who is in front if him (got to tick those boxes) or because he is a judgmental or goes by assumptions.

[thefooloftheyear]

Taken on its own by date 3, that's just a number.

 

What does a bunch of stats tell you about another person ?

I mean data analysis is fine for businesses - they don't mean much when you want to get to know someone genuinely for the purpose of an actual relationship. For that, context is everything. And you don't get context without investing time.

 

Wanting to know the actual number, to me, is an indicator that the guy doesn't really want to invest any time to get to know me properly, either because he is on the clock dating-wise and is following a well-rehearsed script he can't deviate from regardless of who is in front if him (got to tick those boxes) or because he is a judgmental or goes by assumptions.

 

FTR, I am in the same camp as those that are in the "dont ask-dont tell" category...

 

You can judge them for that...(and I agree with most of what you are saying), but I think some women-not saying you-don't really know how a man's mind works in this area..I have no hangups on pretty much anything, but I have been around guys long enough and have heard every story you can think of and the reasoning behind it...

 

If you ask most guys, and they are honest, a woman with a high number scares(and/or potentially repulses) the crap out of them..Is it fair?? Of course not...But don't be so quick to see those guys as somehow damaged in some way...They have some insecurities in this area...it many cases it speaks nothing of their overall character..

 

 

Guys are in the unfortunate position that what they bring to the table sexually can be measured...The thought that a woman has been with a lot of guys just increases the possibility that she's been with guys more well endowed than they are...despite what they say publicly, most women want a guy that's packing...If a woman never had the experience, then maybe they don't know what they are missing, hence its not an issue?? I know its ridiculous, because a woman could have been only with one other guy, and that guy could have been hung like a rhino, but more opportunities=more possibilities..I dunno...I have heard guys say this before, though ...more than once.....There must be something to it..

 

Also...Again, even though its technically not fair, guys see women with high numbers as somehow unable to control themselves or have questionable boundaries....Like they are constantly seeking a better/new sexual experience, so its going to lead to a situation whereby there will always be some uncertainty or lack of trust. If you want to hear something crazy, i know guys that if a woman comes on to them sexually on the first date, they have a problem with it...They feel if that woman would give it up that easily, that indicates a woman that would do that to anyone....

 

There can be all types of movements afoot regarding not *s*-shaming, but that doesn't mean guys have to automatically accept it...Many don't..

 

Its crazy...I agree...but a lot of things on both sides are crazy and lack logic at times..

 

TFY

[Els]

I meant to ask about this earlier. Why does he need to have a number close to his ideal? I mean, I understand it should be close for the sake of fairness, but many people want things in a partner that they don't necessarily have themselves. I'm sure you have requirements of men that you don't meet yourself.

 

Sure, people can do whatever they want. However, women who want to wait for a committed R to have sex are generally not going to be thrilled with a guy who has had dozens of partners, so those guys are likely going to be shooting themselves in the foot in that case.

 

FTR, I agree with Emily - if having a partner with a similar sexual mindset is important to a person, they would be best served by simply taking their time to get to know the other person. But if one absolutely wants to know the details, the least jerky way to do it would be to volunteer their own first, initiate a two way conversation.