preraph Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 My last boyfriend and I got into a casual conversation about this one day and we both agreed that we were both better off not knowing each other's numbers. Then he said the cutest thing. He said, "I know this. My number hasn't changed since I met you". I thought, "wow. that's so comforting to hear, AND, yes, that's the only thing that matters when talking about "numbers" Ohhhhh, that was Sooooooo sweet. You hang onto him. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 "Have you ever been married?" "How many times were you married?" "Did you have a happy childhood?" "What's your favorite memory of growing up?" Are these questions off limits as well because it happened in the person's past? A past sexual history is part of what makes a person - all their past experiences do. And just because she's had a lot of partners doesn't mean she is good in bed. Often I've found it not to be the case. The posters here saying that the question is rooted in insecurity are not always correct. Sure, some guys may be but I'm not. It's my choice to want to get serious with a woman if she's had below X number of partners. Just like it's your right to lie or not tell them. And it's their right to reject you because they don't think your reasons to ask are justified or appropriate. But you are right about one thing. Number has nothing to do with how good a man or woman is. Well, not nothing, but a big number is no guarantee of good sex. But then, most people are different in the bedroom with every different partner they have because all people are not alike and the dynamic is different. Someone may be mediocre in bed with you who is simply amazing with some man she really clicks with. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 My ex wife was a virgin. I wasn't aware of this when we first had sex - it would have been a good piece of info as I would have been a lot more gentle. If it turned out she slept with 1000 guys that likely would have made me not marry her. I look for women who don't have casual sex. That's my preference. And posters above are listing ways to dodge the question. That to me is lying. I've only asked this question when I was serious about a girl. And more that I think it was because I was asked the question myself. I'm never comfortable answering it as it has caused jealousy and insecurity on their part as my number has been significantly higher than theirs. But I haven't lied about it or refused to answer. Being in a RL is about trust and openness. If she doesn't want to date me because of my number than we are not a good match. But I won't fault her for asking the question. Well I wouldn't lie or dodge the question, and serious is the type of relationship I prefer - I just wouldn't answer, and I would explain why. If my not answering is an issue, then so be it. I have better affinity with someone who shares the same political views, the same closeness with their family, the same values in terms of a work / life balance, the same intellectual curiosity, and the same general view of life than with someone's number, which tells me nothing about who they are. But yeah, I guess preferences and all that... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I would never answer the question if some guy asked, for the reasons stated above, but I have discussed (not in numbers) sexual activity with a couple of guys. The last time was my old flame from the 70s, and we were both experimental and we just kind of talked about the good ol days and how we both wished we were bi back then and tried it but just weren't and what all we'd tried. It wasn't a fishing expedition. We were talking about how much fun it was back then compared to now. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 For sure. I hear 'mandatory' and I bolt. Yeah. "Mandatory" this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 In the same post you said you don't need to know the numbers but would want to know if it was 0 or many without a LTR. Not only do you want to know the numbers, you want to know context! yes again ill say i dont need numbers.... which is what this opening poster posted about.....its not about the numbers its about how that guy handles intimacy.....and asking someone have they had many long term relationships they have had has nothing to do with numbers....and asking someone if they have had sex is not the same as asking how many sexual partners they have had..... does that make more sense to you now..it is about context.....and nothing about it is about judging numbers......deb Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 yes again ill say i dont need numbers.... which is what this opening poster posted about.....its not about the numbers its about how that guy handles intimacy.....and asking someone have they had many long term relationships they have had has nothing to do with numbers....and asking someone if they have had sex is not the same as asking how many sexual partners they have had..... does that make more sense to you now..it is about context.....and nothing about it is about judging numbers......deb In a round about way its about numbers. A lot or a little - still numbers. The difference in asking for a specific number is it allows you to determine what is a lot or a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Notarobot Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 You are free to ask of course, but by simply making this question 'mandatory', you might be missing out on an otherwise perfectly compatible relationship with someone who is not willing to share that private bit of information regardless of their actual number, which may be much lower than you think. There are plenty of ways to figure out someone's character, by asking relevant questions pertaining to past relationships and how their have conducted their life until now for instance - a 'number' is all is it. And I'm okay with that, and many people are. Women seem to be okay with missing out on compatible relationships because a man may not pay off or dates or doesn't chase. There are plenty of way to see if a man is interested without him calling or texting every day. Yet that doesn't come up as a point of contention when discussing whether a dude should be dropped. If I determine that sexual history is important to compatibility then that's final say. You don't get to lie, misrepresent yourself or dodge the question in order to force acceptance. I'm of the belief that if you know you'll be ashamed of an action you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. If you did then you should own it and be proud. The cognitive dissonance in those who think it's okay to dodge because they're ashamed is a very big character flaw and red flag, probably bigger than the promiscuity itself. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 In a round about way its about numbers. A lot or a little - still numbers. The difference in asking for a specific number is it allows you to determine what is a lot or a little. the reason why i ask is to understand the guy....and i have never dumped anyone because of too little...or too many..i actually have dated guys who havent had many in my past.....my ex was one who had been with one woman..we were together fifteen years.......and he knew i was an ex hooker..... and he also was one who felt comfortable in telling me everything...because i am not judgmental......he knew where i was coming from..and that was to not judge him but to know him...there is a complete difference there... Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 And I'm okay with that, and many people are. Women seem to be okay with missing out on compatible relationships because a man may not pay off or dates or doesn't chase. There are plenty of way to see if a man is interested without him calling or texting every day. Yet that doesn't come up as a point of contention when discussing whether a dude should be dropped. If I determine that sexual history is important to compatibility then that's final say. You don't get to lie, misrepresent yourself or dodge the question in order to force acceptance. I'm of the belief that if you know you'll be ashamed of an action you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. If you did then you should own it and be proud. The cognitive dissonance in those who think it's okay to dodge because they're ashamed is a very big character flaw and red flag, probably bigger than the promiscuity itself. Whatever, dude; you can hold whatever beliefs you want... I don't advocate lying or dodging the question; I simply won't answer, certainly if the question comes from a guy who can make half-baked judgement calls about complete strangers based on assumptions that are completely wrong. I don't feel either pride or shame about my sexual history - it's mine alone, though, and I'm not going to entrust some guy I barely know with such a private part of my life just because he's asked for it. If a man wants to get to know me, it's going to take a whole lot more than a list of 'mandatory' questions over a meal by date 4 (or whatever). If he still needs to get the answer to that question after months of getting to know who I am as a person, he's not the guy for me and I'm not the one for him - yet not one of the guys I have been with have ever felt the need to ask that question in the first place...Go figure. And I don't care for a guy who texts or calls constantly, I don't do OLD, I don't want to be date number 16 of the month and as a grown woman I'm past the point of needing to be chased. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I am not sure why some men set such great store on asking what her number is, as it just so easy for a person to lie and unless that person has lived in a close knit village all her life (and even then), who on earth is ever going to find out the real truth. I would guess many people lie either to make themselves appear more experienced or less experienced depending on what they feel the other person would be most comfortable with. I have never been asked, nor have I asked anyone else their number as I do not want to get into the resulting mess of insecurity and jealousy that usually follows such revelations. If you want to get all judgemental and upset yourself and your partner too, then fine ask for a number but it doesn't guarantee you will be told the real truth, so why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Everyone has the right to decide what they want/don't want in a partner, number included. The flaw in reasoning I've frequently seen with my friends hung up on the number though, as well as it would seem a few posters here, is that this single variable is somehow the determinant of some particular desirable/undesirable characteristic in the whole person. This just isn't the case. People are complex (duh!) and a product of everything that has happened in their life, in complex ways. I find it more useful to judge what I see in front of me as a whole person, not use some arbitrary, and obviously insufficient, set of traits to predict what I think they might be like. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Notarobot Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Whatever, dude; you can hold whatever beliefs you want... I don't advocate lying or dodging the question; I simply won't answer, certainly if the question comes from a guy who can make half-baked judgement calls about complete strangers based on assumptions that are completely wrong. I don't feel either pride or shame about my sexual history - it's mine alone, though, and I'm not going to entrust some guy I barely know with such a private part of my life just because he's asked for it. If a man wants to get to know me, it's going to take a whole lot more than a list of 'mandatory' questions over a meal by date 4 (or whatever). If he still needs to get the answer to that question after months of getting to know who I am as a person, he's not the guy for me and I'm not the one for him - yet not one of the guys I have been with have ever felt the need to ask that question in the first place...Go figure. And I don't care for a guy who texts or calls constantly, I don't do OLD, I don't want to be date number 16 of the month and as a grown woman I'm past the point of needing to be chased. There is nothing really have baked about it. Assumptions are really all you have to go off of when getting to know someone and how they think. Men are the knes who do all the investment so it's better to know at the beginning what you're dealing with opposed to dating for months and after countless dollars realizing your girl favors variety or displays behavior as reckless and untamed as her sexual preferences. But hey, I'd be very content with holding off this question as long as she's willing to put in 50% of all efforts and contributions thus lowering my risks until we both prove our pasts aren't relevant. But I'm sure women aren't cool with that. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 the reason why i ask is to understand the guy....and i have never dumped anyone because of too little...or too many..i actually have dated guys who havent had many in my past.....my ex was one who had been with one woman..we were together fifteen years.......and he knew i was an ex hooker..... and he also was one who felt comfortable in telling me everything...because i am not judgmental......he knew where i was coming from..and that was to not judge him but to know him...there is a complete difference there... See, knowing you used to be a hooker would be something a potential partner should be aware of in my opinion. Yet it's in the past. I wouldn't need to know about numbers after hearing that. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandraxx Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I also heard this question a lot of times, too many times actually and it was always annoying me. Usually, that were these guys from a dating sites and talking a lot about sex but every time I heard this question on the beginning of talking I was like "NEXT". I find it kind of disrespectful because as someone already mentioned - it's not his %&+#@$&?$!! business. :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 (edited) I feel judgement should be reserved for when you really know a person well enough to know who they really are.....getting to know someone involves knowing their history and how they are towards certain issues and life in general......dating should be about getting to know the person you are dating not about forming judgments...i think that judgement should come later if at all...because by truly knowing a person better you have to allow for differences of opinion lifestyles history and see how well you mesh together..judgement should be whether you can work together and if you would and can be friends...if you cant be friends lovers is out in my opinion....that's what relationships are to me...focus.... work and effort...commitment....but that's me how i set about dating..i need to be able to be honest and work to get to know soemone......and i do understand that too many sexual partners is a huge turn off for many people.....and is a deciding factor...i think it is good to know a persons past and relationships......but not to make a final decision on...unless of course it effects how you percieve that person...i dotn want to date someone who has a problem with numbers...as they would not want to date me.....and i would prefer that to be out in the open sooner rather than later......deb Edited February 13, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I feel judgement should be reserved for when you really know a person well enough to know who they really are.....getting to know someone involves knowing their history and how they are towards certain issues and life in general......dating should be about getting to know the person you are dating not about forming judgments...i think that judgement should come later if at all...because by truly knowing a person better you have to allow for differences of opinion lifestyles history and see how well you mesh together..judgement should be whether you can work together and if you would and can be friends...if you cant be friends lovers is out in my opinion....that's what relationships are to me...focus.... work and effort...commitment....but that's me how i set about dating..i need to be able to be honest and work to get to know soemone......and i do understand that too many sexual partners is a huge turn off for many people.....and is a deciding factor...i think it is good to know a persons past and relationships......but not to make a final decision on...unless of course it effects how you percieve that person...i dotn want to date someone who has a problem with numbers...as they would not want to date me.....and i would prefer that to be out in the open sooner rather than later......deb I agree. But this can and does fall under deal breakers. It's like asking if the guy wants kids. At my age, this is a question that comes up right away. It's a very personal question as well. I still think that the question is inappropriate in the beginning stages of dating. Interestingly, a large number will mean less once a guy is falling for you. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandraxx Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I am not sure why some men set such great store on asking what her number is, as it just so easy for a person to lie and unless that person has lived in a close knit village all her life (and even then), who on earth is ever going to find out the real truth. I would guess many people lie either to make themselves appear more experienced or less experienced depending on what they feel the other person would be most comfortable with. I have never been asked, nor have I asked anyone else their number as I do not want to get into the resulting mess of insecurity and jealousy that usually follows such revelations. If you want to get all judgemental and upset yourself and your partner too, then fine ask for a number but it doesn't guarantee you will be told the real truth, so why bother? Exactly, I couldn't agree more. But honestly, doest it REALLY matter?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecrucible Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 All the guys I knew when young had a steady stream of women. But it's all about timing. Because variety sex can actually get humdrum after some years too. Some of those guys, once they reached the age when they were tired of the merry-go-round and wanted something more substantial, made good husbands. But only once they decided they were tired of it and wanted a change, and for men, it is more a decision than an emotion. I have seen studies in the past that said that once a guy makes the decision he's ready to settle down, he may choose the next woman who comes along, whether it's a good match or not. It's a decision for them. I've always found this to be true. I feel this question is hard for me. I'd always be honest with a bf who asked but I don't want to talk too much about men in my past. I'm quite an emotional person and casual sex isn't usually my cup of tea. I don't want to be defined by isolated incidents in my life. I feel like I've gone through a lot. I know what some men are like. You suddenly get less respect because you're less virginal than they want you to be. I'm reassured by the responses here though, that some guys will be pretty decent about that kind of thing. I'm just feeling a lot of frustration at the moment as all the guys I meet only seem interested in something casual. I don't flaunt myself at them and I reckon I'm a good person but yeah it's like 'enough is enough'. I'd just love a night of decent polite and intelligent conversation with a man not him asking me questions about sex or just spending time. It would be nice for a change 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I've always found this to be true. I feel this question is hard for me. I'd always be honest with a bf who asked but I don't want to talk too much about men in my past. I'm quite an emotional person and casual sex isn't usually my cup of tea. I don't want to be defined by isolated incidents in my life. I feel like I've gone through a lot. I know what some men are like. You suddenly get less respect because you're less virginal than they want you to be. I'm reassured by the responses here though, that some guys will be pretty decent about that kind of thing. I'm just feeling a lot of frustration at the moment as all the guys I meet only seem interested in something casual. I don't flaunt myself at them and I reckon I'm a good person but yeah it's like 'enough is enough'. I'd just love a night of decent polite and intelligent conversation with a man not him asking me questions about sex or just spending time. It would be nice for a change We're out there. Although I have expectations regarding sex I don't sleep with just any woman. And I certainly don't talk about sex in the beginning (unless they do). But be happy you are finding out who these guys are before you get involved. They are really doing you a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Gotta chuckle a bit....(sorry, ladies)... On the one hand all you seem to hear lately is.... "I love sex and I should be able to do just as men do....Have my f-buddies, have the one with the huge dick, the guy I Skype, the girl from work, then the other guy....Blah, blah..." Then on the other hand gripe " why is the number so important?....and why can't I just have an intelligent conversation with a man without it immediately going on to a sex dialogue"... I couldn't care less, but I would think for the guys trying to crack that riddle, it must be kind of a b!tch... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Notarobot Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Gotta chuckle a bit....(sorry, ladies)... On the one hand all you seem to hear lately is.... "I love sex and I should be able to do just as men do....Have my f-buddies, have the one with the huge dick, the guy I Skype, the girl from work, then the other guy....Blah, blah..." Then on the other hand gripe " why is the number so important?....and why can't I just have an intelligent conversation with a man without it immediately going on to a sex dialogue"... I couldn't care less, but I would think for the guys trying to crack that riddle, it must be kind of a b!tch... TFY Ask and if she deflects, pretends to think about it, gets offended or negotiates what counts or doesn't then you know the answer is too many. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Ask and if she deflects, pretends to think about it, gets offended or negotiates what counts or doesn't then you know the answer is too many. My # isn't that high but I'm still not going to tell you what it is. You can't assume the desire for discretion is rooted in shame. I will share that I'm a middle aged woman & most of my partners are from college when I was young & dumb & like a lot of people exploring my boundaries. If I was back on the market & some guy didn't want to date me because I refused to give him specifics about stuff that happened 3 decades ago in another century, he s not somebody I need in my life. This discussion comes up periodically & the people in each camp: full disclosure vs. entitlement to privacy are equally convinced that their view is the only "correct" answer. The real secret is only date people on your side of the issue. Problem solved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) My # isn't that high but I'm still not going to tell you what it is. You can't assume the desire for discretion is rooted in shame. I will share that I'm a middle aged woman & most of my partners are from college when I was young & dumb & like a lot of people exploring my boundaries. If I was back on the market & some guy didn't want to date me because I refused to give him specifics about stuff that happened 3 decades ago in another century, he s not somebody I need in my life. This discussion comes up periodically & the people in each camp: full disclosure vs. entitlement to privacy are equally convinced that their view is the only "correct" answer. The real secret is only date people on your side of the issue. Problem solved. Exactly! A dating Occam's Razor if you will. P.S. If people are going to assume the asker is insecure then they can't be offended if the asker assumes they are a player or the "s" word. The law of balance as it were. Lol Edited February 14, 2017 by fireflywy Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) To some people that stuff is very important.lt is to me too and to most women too sooner or later , any l've been with anyway and they don't like it one little bit if it's too many in their view either. Or as well as all kinds of things in bedroom also. Me l don't think it's all that unreasonable at all for either. And don't forget, he could've had better in100 different ways too. Edited February 14, 2017 by Chilli Link to post Share on other sites
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