That Magic Number...

[thecrucible]

People who have similar value systems around sex are compatible; for example a person who wants to wait until marriage to have sex would probably not be at ease with someone who'd been a sexual adventurer. That works both ways and it's something that people will find out about each other as they're dating.

 

I tend to think that if events lie in the past and especially a more distant past, it doesn't say everything about the person now. I mean we are are learning when we're young and haven't fully developed who we are yet. I started as a "never have sex before marriage" kind of person but that all changed after I was in a relationship with the wrong guy.

 

While my number isn't 1000 and probably is barely triple digits, that doesn't mean I'm not loyal.

 

I wouldn't want to judge really, whether it was high or low. I mean most people are not going to be at 1000. I've never had an STD in my life so they needn't worry about that either. I actually think on the contrary that those experiences can make you more loyal because you can read the difference between just sex and something more genuine. It doesn't have to be this huge thing it might have been in the past. You can just focus on their character.

[central]

Frankly, most men are pretty poor at sex (this is according to my wife, and she has a high enough number for a meaningful sample size). And most men have an ego such that they want to think that they are the best, or the only one who you'd do "that" with, or the biggest, or all of those. Delusional, yes, but many seem to be quite insecure about their ability to measure up in various ways, sexually. Maybe they think you've got "cooties" from previous partners? LOL

 

The fewer men their date has been with, the better chance they may feel they have of being the best! They want to be your best, no doubt, or at least feel they could be, even if they are not. They often forget that there is a LOT more to relationships and sex, such as a warm personality, a giving nature, good communication, etc., that go into making someone great (or maybe even best!). Those that understand this are less fixated on your past number, and less likely to suffer retroactive jealousy if they find out later.

 

So, you can avoid telling and say that it doesn't really matter, and see if they accept that (they may, but it could eventually bother them too much to let it go), or you can tell them up front if they ask, and weed out all the insecure and competitive men right away. Which may be a lot. But, better that than someone who can't accept you for who you are. Even if they seem to be a good match, they really aren't because they have a biased attitude, or a double standard, or a significant insecurity.

 

IMO, your number isn't high. And for me, it's not about the number, it's about ability to form stable, loving, and lasting relationships now, ability to commit, and ability to be faithful. A high number says nothing about these, unless it is also combined with a personality flaw that might indicate an inability to form a stable relationship.

Edited February 13, 2017 by central

[d0nnivain]

I'd rather be asked that question further into getting to know someone.

 

 

I have been a monogamist in the main

 

 

I'd hope the right guy for me would look at it in a more nuanced way.

 

 

I've not even done the deed in three years now. I don't want to settle for less than a man respecting and caring about me.

 

 

Craft an honest answer out of those facts which doesn't disclose an actual number.

 

 

Say something along the lines of it's been a while but for me sex has always involved monogamy & I value you loyalty. How about you?

 

 

Reframe the Q to disclose things that are a potential new partner's business like your health status: I'm clean; I've never been with somebody who is HUV positive nor have I had sex with an IV drug user.

[lana-banana]

Funny story...A guy I knew had a "test"....If he took a new woman out on a date, he always picked a nice restaurant...If she ordered her food without worrying that he'd think she was a pig, then he thought those women put out easily...the one's that ordered carefully and light, were usually the ones that didn't...

 

This guy is a dolt. So if I order the best thing on the menu, which might happen to be scallops or Kobe beef or truffle risotto, I'm somehow more likely to put out than if I ordered a salad? I guess it just goes to show not everyone studies statistics these days.

 

OP: I am shocked you have had multiple men ask you this. It's totally inappropriate. I would try to lead the discussion in a different direction and get to "why are you asking? Why does this information mean anything to you, and what do you think it says about me?" (Not those exact words, of course, but that's the general gist.) Hopefully you could have a decent conversation about sexuality and attitudes towards sexual mores, but a guy who asks that question at all may not be so open to introspection.

 

I was only asked twice: once by a dude who was perilously insecure and once by my fiancé, after we were engaged (and it was a more roundabout way about experience in general). Anyone asking for your number like it's a stat on a baseball card is not worth your time.

[Miss Peach]

Oddly enough I've been asked this a few times - up until current BF it had only happened when I was in my early 20s (with guys 5-10 years older). My current BF asked me (he's 40s) but I told him that's the only question I would not answer. Then I reminded him that I spent most of my adult life in relationships so I never had much opportunity.

 

In my exes cases, it was due to insecurity. One just wanted a low numbers girl and had an ego so he needed to feel he was the best. One I don't know why he asked. And another (not really an ex though) asked due to insecurity and having a micro penis.

 

My current BF I suspect asked out of insecurity and inexperience. He spent his whole adult life in a relationship and really doesn't have much experience with women. Even though I am a relationship woman, I was a lot more sex positive than anyone else in his circles.

[preraph]

I cannot believe that anyone male or female entertains the thought of disclosing their number to anyone. What is wrong with this generation? Social media has made people think they're entitled to score people and get every scrap of info on them.

 

The correct response is "I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that."

 

Only insecure guys who are afraid you're used to someone better in bed would ask you that. Or guys who are double standard and think a guy who sleeps around is a stud but a woman who is is a different "s" word. There is no good scenario under which a man would ask you such a personal question and one that is irrelevant.

 

And number has zero to do with whether someone would cheat in a committed relationship. That's about ethics, not numbers.

Edited February 13, 2017 by preraph

[WaitingForBardot]

I cannot believe that anyone male or female entertains the thought of disclosing their number to anyone. What is wrong with this generation? Social media has made people think they're entitled to score people and get every scrap of info on them.

 

The correct response is "I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that."

 

Only insecure guys who are afraid you're used to someone better in bed would ask you that. Or guys who are double standard and think a guy who sleeps around is a stud but a woman who is is a different "s" word. There is no good scenario under which a man would ask you such a personal question and one that is irrelevant.

 

And number has zero to do with whether someone would cheat in a committed relationship. That's about ethics, not numbers.

That is a great response!

 

One of the biggest differences I see between my and my kids generation is the complete loss of an expectation of privacy, almost to the point of embracing it. So much so in fact that it's almost expected that you should know everything about everybody and vice versa.

[preraph]

That is a great response!

 

One of the biggest differences I see between my and my kids generation is the complete loss of an expectation of privacy, almost to the point of embracing it. So much so in fact that it's almost expected that you should know everything about everybody and vice versa.

 

Yes! And not only that, but especially some of the guys on here are looking to find out everything about the woman, including whether they "like" them before they even ask them out! They want guarantees.

 

People, dating isn't a marriage proposal!! You can't possibly know if you like someone if you haven't met them, and you have to be secure enough to stick your neck out and risk a turndown and not take that personally, or you are not mature enough to date. And you don't get to score people's sex lives!@

[PrettyEmily77]

I cannot believe that anyone male or female entertains the thought of disclosing their number to anyone. What is wrong with this generation? Social media has made people think they're entitled to score people and get every scrap of info on them.

 

The correct response is "I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that."

 

Only insecure guys who are afraid you're used to someone better in bed would ask you that. Or guys who are double standard and think a guy who sleeps around is a stud but a woman who is is a different "s" word. There is no good scenario under which a man would ask you such a personal question and one that is irrelevant.

 

And number has zero to do with whether someone would cheat in a committed relationship. That's about ethics, not numbers.

 

Yes.

 

Also, only speaking for myself here, but not wanting to answer that question gives absolutely no clue whatsoever as to what the answer might be. Sometimes, assumptions are plain wrong and I can categorically say there is no correlation at all, no shame associated to the answer, and no double standards - a shared set of values is what matters, and how the guy is acting now, within the relationship.

[Notarobot]

She's bothered by the number? That is ridiculous. I'd think more highly of a woman who laughed in the face of a man who asked that lame question than one who answered him. It's none of his business.

 

IMO any man who asks a woman that question at any time in their relationship is too insecure to be dating at all. Ladies: Run, run, run, and find yourself a man who's not scared of your past.

 

Also, sexual activity does not indicate the quality of a person's character. A low number of sex partners does not equal good character, and a high number doesn't equal good.

 

People who have similar value systems around sex are compatible; for example a person who wants to wait until marriage to have sex would probably not be at ease with someone who'd been a sexual adventurer. That works both ways and it's something that people will find out about each other as they're dating.

 

What does insecure mean? I'm secure as possible and it's a mandatory question for me. The quality of a person's character to me is determined by whatever I say it is. It's up for me to live with the results of those standards. And most men are okay with avoiding those with numbers we see as unacceptable for those we do.

 

Lying and dodging questions are what you should call insecure, not those who do background checks for people before they invest in them.

[wheream_i]

I've honestly been asked this more times than I've ever asked a woman. The number does make a difference to me, not so much in a negative way, but I want to know that she has experience or not. However, I feel like when most men ask, it's t form an opinion about her and it's not always good. Tell him to f*ck off.

[preraph]

Yes.

 

Also, only speaking for myself here, but not wanting to answer that question gives absolutely no clue whatsoever as to what the answer might be. Sometimes, assumptions are plain wrong and I can categorically say there is no correlation at all, no shame associated to the answer, and no double standards - a shared set of values is what matters, and how the guy is acting now, within the relationship.

 

All the guys I knew when young had a steady stream of women. But it's all about timing. Because variety sex can actually get humdrum after some years too. Some of those guys, once they reached the age when they were tired of the merry-go-round and wanted something more substantial, made good husbands. But only once they decided they were tired of it and wanted a change, and for men, it is more a decision than an emotion. I have seen studies in the past that said that once a guy makes the decision he's ready to settle down, he may choose the next woman who comes along, whether it's a good match or not. It's a decision for them.

 

Women with high numbers may have enjoyed it but many were simply duped when they were young by guys playing them. They may have hoped each one of them would get serious and commit. Anyway, how one is at 21 is no reflection of how they are at 30, and having sex with people doesn't ruin anyone if they're careful about it and don't get a disease or get pregnant.

[preraph]

What does insecure mean? I'm secure as possible and it's a mandatory question for me. The quality of a person's character to me is determined by whatever I say it is. It's up for me to live with the results of those standards. And most men are okay with avoiding those with numbers we see as unacceptable for those we do.

 

Lying and dodging questions are what you should call insecure, not those who do background checks for people before they invest in them.

 

Not true. Think about WHY they want to know. It's either they're judgy or they're insecure. Inexperienced guys seem to be the ones who want to know, because they're afraid they won't measure up.

[PrettyEmily77]

it's a mandatory question for me.

 

Lying and dodging questions are what you should call insecure, not those who do background checks for people before they invest in them.

 

You are free to ask of course, but by simply making this question 'mandatory', you might be missing out on an otherwise perfectly compatible relationship with someone who is not willing to share that private bit of information regardless of their actual number, which may be much lower than you think.

 

There are plenty of ways to figure out someone's character, by asking relevant questions pertaining to past relationships and how their have conducted their life until now for instance - a 'number' is all is it.

Edited February 13, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[preraph]

^ Although him asking is a good warning sign to send up a red flag to the woman he's asking that he has a problem of some type and no respect for privacy. So go ahead and ask, but you'll get marked down for it.

[PrettyEmily77]

^ Although him asking is a good warning sign to send up a red flag to the woman he's asking that he has a problem of some type and no respect for privacy. So go ahead and ask, but you'll get marked down for it.

 

For sure. I hear 'mandatory' and I bolt.

[TuesGirl]

My last boyfriend and I got into a casual conversation about this one day and we both agreed that we were both better off not knowing each other's numbers. Then he said the cutest thing. He said, "I know this. My number hasn't changed since I met you". I thought, "wow. that's so comforting to hear, AND, yes, that's the only thing that matters when talking about "numbers"

[SevenCity]

For sure. I hear 'mandatory' and I bolt.

 

"Have you ever been married?"

"How many times were you married?"

"Did you have a happy childhood?"

"What's your favorite memory of growing up?"

 

 

Are these questions off limits as well because it happened in the person's past? A past sexual history is part of what makes a person - all their past experiences do.

 

And just because she's had a lot of partners doesn't mean she is good in bed. Often I've found it not to be the case.

 

The posters here saying that the question is rooted in insecurity are not always correct. Sure, some guys may be but I'm not.

 

It's my choice to want to get serious with a woman if she's had below X number of partners. Just like it's your right to lie or not tell them.

[PrettyEmily77]

"Have you ever been married?"

"How many times were you married?"

"Did you have a happy childhood?"

"What's your favorite memory of growing up?"

 

 

Are these questions off limits as well because it happened in the person's past? A past sexual history is part of what makes a person - all their past experiences do.

 

And just because she's had a lot of partners doesn't mean she is good in bed. Often I've found it not to be the case.

 

The posters here saying that the question is rooted in insecurity are not always correct. Sure, some guys may be but I'm not.

 

It's my choice to want to get serious with a woman if she's had below X number of partners. Just like it's your right to lie or not tell them.

 

Not one poster has advocated lying. If the answer is so important to you, we are not compatible regardless of what my number is (probably nowhere near what your assumptions might be telling you, but that's exactly why there is a major compatibility problem right there - I don't like to be judged either way). I don't need to know anything about the person I am with - I'm just happy to go with the flow.

 

I've never asked this question nor have I had to answer it, so in all fairness it's all theoretical to me, but I'm fairly sure the men I was with had a good sense of who I was as a person by the way I was acting with them, the type of relationship I have with family and friends, how I spend my free time, the job and interests I have , etc.

 

Any question you want to ask is totally fine - but I think someone's actions in the present tell you more than the type of person they were before they met you.

 

But like I said, I speak for myself only and if you think knowing someone's 'number' will help you know them better, go for it.

Edited February 13, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[joseb]

OP why would you answer such a question?

 

I really don't know why anyone would either ask it or answer it. It's such a stupid question to ask. It's almost guaranteed to cause problems either way. I've had one or two girls ask also but I always tell them it's not important and also something private. And it's no big deal.

[SevenCity]

Not one poster has advocated lying. If the answer is so important to you, we are not compatible regardless of what my number is (probably nowhere near what your assumptions might be telling you, but that's exactly why there is a major compatibility problem right there - I don't like to be judged either way). I don't need to know anything about the person I am with - I'm just happy to go with the flow.

 

I've never asked this question nor have I had to answer it, so in all fairness it's all theoretical to me, but I'm fairly sure the men I was with had a good sense of who I was as a person by the way I was acting with them, the type of relationship I have with family and friends, how I spend my free time, the job and interests I have , etc.

 

Any question you want to ask is totally fine - but I think someone's actions in the present tell you more than the type of person they were before they met you.

 

But like I said, I speak for myself only and if you think knowing someone's 'number' will help you know them better, go for it.

 

My ex wife was a virgin. I wasn't aware of this when we first had sex - it would have been a good piece of info as I would have been a lot more gentle.

 

If it turned out she slept with 1000 guys that likely would have made me not marry her. I look for women who don't have casual sex. That's my preference.

 

And posters above are listing ways to dodge the question. That to me is lying.

 

I've only asked this question when I was serious about a girl. And more that I think it was because I was asked the question myself.

 

I'm never comfortable answering it as it has caused jealousy and insecurity on their part as my number has been significantly higher than theirs. But I haven't lied about it or refused to answer. Being in a RL is about trust and openness. If she doesn't want to date me because of my number than we are not a good match. But I won't fault her for asking the question.

[todreaminblue]

i feel if you have a high risk past you have a moral duty a responsibility to inform a potential partner of that fact and i do so without being asked how many...because i cant give a number anyway...i have no interest in knowing a partners history of numbers of sexual partners it is not something i need to know unless it was also high risk or the opposite ...virginity......and again its not about numbers at all(who am i to judge) it is about me getting to know the guy i am with and understanding him a little better....i dont date young guys....so if the guy i date is a virgin i would want to know why he had not had sex...if it were for religious reasons and or faith then i would undestand.... not numbers i dont need to know numbers.... ....and i would respect that reason or know what we could or might have to work on like if he had been hurt or soemhow developed problems due to previous partners........and if he had had many sexual partners and no relationship that was long term i would want to also understanxd why as it would most likely also impact on our relationship together............deb

[SevenCity]

i feel if you have a high risk past you have a moral duty a responsibility to inform a potential partner of that fact and i do so without being asked how many...because i cant give a number anyway...i have no interest in knowing a partners history of numbers of sexual partners it is not something i need to know unless it was also high risk or the opposite ...virginity......and again its not about numbers at all(who am i to judge) it is about me getting to know the guy i am with and understanding him a little better....i dont date young guys....so if the guy i date is a virgin i would want to know why he had not had sex...if it were for religious reasons and or faith then i would undestand.... not numbers i dont need to know numbers.... ....and i would respect that reason or know what we could or might have to work on like if he had been hurt or soemhow developed problems due to previous partners........and if he had had many sexual partners and no relationship that was long term i would want to also understanxd why as it would most likely also impact on our relationship together............deb

 

In the same post you said you don't need to know the numbers but would want to know if it was 0 or many without a LTR.

 

Not only do you want to know the numbers, you want to know context!

[Jj66]

I've had women say they were thankful for the women who came before them. I took it as sort of an offhand compliment and maybe fishing for numbers. I didn't bite.

 

In my 20s I cared about numbers. At 50 I don't. These days I don't ask and don't tell (without being asked) but in the course of a relationship you can't help but get a general sense of what has gone on in the past. Some previous relationships and experiences always come up.

 

When my gf asked me how many people I had brought home to my current house I asked if she really wanted to know. I'd been in my house a year before I met her. She told me she did want to know. I told her. Then the next morning I had to revise the number upward. I had forgotten a few. Although I never asked her, at brunch she told me her number over the same time period. It was in the same neighborhood as my unrevised figure. So mine was a little higher. I didn't count people I had only slept with at their places since that wasn't the question she asked and I don't know if she was only counting people she had slept with at her place or in total. I didn't ask her methodology because I didn't care.

[mightycpa]

I cannot believe that anyone male or female entertains the thought of disclosing their number to anyone. What is wrong with this generation? Social media has made people think they're entitled to score people and get every scrap of info on them.

 

The correct response is "I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that."

 

Only insecure guys who are afraid you're used to someone better in bed would ask you that. Or guys who are double standard and think a guy who sleeps around is a stud but a woman who is is a different "s" word. There is no good scenario under which a man would ask you such a personal question and one that is irrelevant.

 

And number has zero to do with whether someone would cheat in a committed relationship. That's about ethics, not numbers.

There ought to be an app for that!

 

What's your rank on SexNumber?

 

Maybe it should be expressed as a multiple (or fraction) of your age, partners/age = number.

Edited February 13, 2017 by mightycpa