Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 All I do know right now is he is feeling rather trapped and still betrayed and as this is his first major relationship he is dealing with all of this for the first time. Not going to say he is dealing with it correctly because almost punching your girlfriend isn't right or even close to how you deal with your anger and hurt. Not sure where that is coming from though he has never really raised a hand to anyone so for this to be upsetting him that much is kind of alarming. Sometimes life puts us in positions where we have to grow up quickly. Your son will have to realize that, unlike a normal teenage relationship, he can't kick her to the curb and be done with it. Assuming the child is born and it's his, he'll be tied to her for the rest of his life. He can make things easier on himself if he acts accordingly... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't know what to do with my kid, he has gone from pure anger and vitriol straight to depression and crying. Came home from work and just broke down, He said he feels obligated to stay with her and try and make whatever this is work. He said he knows it is partly his responsibility and will try and be a good father to his kid and will do whatever it takes to support his child. But he asked me how does he stay with someone who mislead and lied and whom he just doesn't trust right now. I just tried to tell him that the odds of them actually staying togeather through the long haul the odds are simply stacked against them. And that I can't make the choices for him all I can do is be there for him and support him. And that he has to decide what is best for him. He then basically admitted to being really depressed and that he had thoughts about just purposefully crashing his bike to try and end it. And that honestly has me worried, I feel like I honestly need to take him into the doctors or something if he is feeling like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) And that honestly has me worried, I feel like I honestly need to take him into the doctors or something if he is feeling like this. ConcernedMom, are you talking to your ex about this? How about a trusted Uncle or family friend? Your son could benefit from some mentoring and guidance regarding women and life in general. You might be too close to the situation to provide this outlet... Mr. Lucky Edited February 28, 2017 by Mr. Lucky Clarity Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 Yes I tell his father just about everything not that he returns the favor, Sorry It has taken me this long to reply been busy between work and a depressed teenager. Son has been so hot and cold lately regarding this girl, and then tonight he came home and declares he wants to marry her because she shouldn't have to give birth to their child and not be married. And he believes this will make him happy and that it is what he wants. I told him I will support it if it is truly what he wants and if it is what she wants. Just don't think he knows what he wants in all honesty but he has been incredibly depressed and I can tell that this is weighing on him heavily. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I feel like I honestly need to take him into the doctors or something if he is feeling like this. Yes...the doctor's or a counselor at school or perhaps you could find out from the teen-parenting place if they offer emotional-psychological support through one-on-one or peer-group sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 And he believes this will make him happy and that it is what he wants. I don't think marriage will cure his depression. It might produce a lot of excitement and maybe some romance, but that is a temporary high and will not magically erase the real struggles that they are going through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I don't think marriage will cure his depression. It might produce a lot of excitement and maybe some romance, but that is a temporary high and will not magically erase the real struggles that they are going through. Agree but I tend to consider from the child's standpoint. Tough call but eventual marriage probably the best thing for the OP's grandchild... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I don't know that a child marriage will do anything to fix this fine mess. Personally I wouldn't recommend it. Could just lead to more legal troubles on top of all of the emotional and situational ones. I am so sorry your son is going through this. As someone who never wants kids - this is littterally the stuff of my nightmares. Sure marriage, may lead to some sort of happily ever after, but the odds are exceedingly unlikely. Divorce down the road is the road is the most likely outcome. In your position, I would not bless a child marriage, it's not in your son's best interest. Plenty of unmarried couples are able to coparent. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 I don't know that a child marriage will do anything to fix this fine mess. Agreed. That's why I said "eventual" ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 I have got him set up with a therapist to try and help deal with his depression. I understand it might not fix it but to at least give him hope and something to perhaps cheer him up. I don't know what I will do about the marriage, Only support it if all groups agree to it. And if the therapist thinks it might be a good idea or something along those lines. He at least went out with her tonight and was back at a decent hour so perhaps things are on the up and up on their relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Yes I tell his father just about everything not that he returns the favor, Sorry It has taken me this long to reply been busy between work and a depressed teenager. Son has been so hot and cold lately regarding this girl, and then tonight he came home and declares he wants to marry her because she shouldn't have to give birth to their child and not be married. And he believes this will make him happy and that it is what he wants. I told him I will support it if it is truly what he wants and if it is what she wants. Just don't think he knows what he wants in all honesty but he has been incredibly depressed and I can tell that this is weighing on him heavily. I'm going to be blunt and hope that the lack of sugar doesn't distract. 1. Your son has been violently angry, depressed and has mentioned suicide. He needs to have therapeutic intervention immediately. Please schedule an appointment with a licensed psychologist stat., preferably one who specializes in either family and/or child/adolescent. 2. Please do make his school guidance aware of this situation if you have not already and request assistance. 3. Marriage should be 100% off the table. Let's take one life changing situation at a time, shall we. There are multiple dysfunctional layers at play here, like an onion, that need to be addressed but the worst thing to do is add yet another. Your son is a minor, letting him in charge of his future hasn't gone well and continuing to do so is bordering on not dealing with this in a mature/adult manner. I would not advise an independent 30 yr. old to marry for pregnancy....16 is negative not. I realize that you and your son are in a very difficult situation ConcernedMom, there isn't going to be an easy fix for this. Priority number one is your son's immediate well being directly followed by his potential. Once paternity is established, the well being of your grandchild and your son's parenting/birth control education/obligations and then..... then there is room for thoughts of a future with the mother....when you won't need to sign a consent and their relationship has weathered, steadied and the baby has stability proven over time. Tell him to wait to get married until he is supporting the mother and child with no assistance from either grandparents and he will not need your legal consent to do so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 We posted at exactly the same time. Good about the therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 I am just starting with the therapist and will go from there regarding my son, If he tells me to get him into a psychiatrist then I will. But for now going to see if talking to someone else will help him out. I was only thinking about agreeing to the marriage for the sake of my sons happiness, I don't know what is going on with him or how like a flip of a switch he can go from happy excited and then very angry to just moody depressed and feeling like he is so trapped that he needs to hurt himself. And you are right I have let him try and handle this on his own but only because what other choices did I have honestly? He comes home from time with his girlfriend and is happy and then just gets manic depressed I guess would be the best description. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 My heart goes out to you ConcernedMom. I hope you are also caring for yourself and managing your own stress in healthy ways. The therapist should be very helpful. You shouldn't be doing this alone. How helpful is your son's dad about all this? Is he talking to or seeing your son regularly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 No he hasn't been very helpful or useful lately, And I don't think he has seen him in about a week. But Sons first doctors appointment is this afternoon so we shall see how things go and see if he is willing to open up to someone other than me. Not that I mind him talking to me just honestly surprised he has started to open back up to me. I told him tonight though that we needed to wait on the whole marriage deal and he got incredibly upset with me about it and made it out to be like I was trying to stand between the two of them and that I didn't want him to be happy. He has never said such things like that to me before, I am honestly worried she is trying to push him into this marriage and leaning on him trying to get him to lean on me enough for me to say yes. But I just don't know to what end or what she would get out of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Encourage him to open up and speak candidly with the therapist. It will probably take several sessions in order for therapist to formulate a treatment plan, however, it's possible that s/he will have some immediate suggestions. Regarding potential marriage and the whole situation in general, ask the girl's parents to lunch/dinner without the lovebirds. It's important that the three of you are on the same page, are united and have an agreed upon action plan from now until after the baby is born. If you can wrangle your ex to be there as well, even better. If all the adults are consistent there will be less turmoil, confusion and though they may fuss; the kids will be calmer and feel more safe. Not to mention all grandparents will rest easier having each others 'backs' and knowing what is going to happen next. You all need each other and will hopefully be able to remain cooperative allies through the inevitable difficulties in the years ahead. Take care of yourself and don't shy away from putting your foot down. Rash actions got them into this dilemma, let your son know that things going forward will be carefully considered and planned, you will not agree to anything in haste. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 Therapist referred us to a psychiatrist and set up an appointment for this Friday and he is to see her again on Thursday. She told me there was a lot in play and that he just needs a lot of help and to listen and be understanding when he does chose to open up to me. I will try and get her parents out to lunch or something to try and discuss everything and attempt to get onto the same page. Trying to get my ex to attend might be possible but I am not going to hold my breath if he doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Trying to get my ex to attend might be possible but I am not going to hold my breath if he doesn't. Not sure it would be a good idea to get the ex involved. So far, it seems like you and her parents can communicate pretty well, but he might stir things up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 It really depends how the ex comes into play.On one hand, he is getting on with his life like nothing happened and then he might create more problems than help. You've got to weigh your options. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 It might not be the greatest idea but The lunch is set with all of us at least saying we are going to go and try and get onto the same page, If my ex shows up and fights for his son like he sometimes does and fights for what is best he can be a driving force of good if not things could get testy and possibly bad and just put more strain on everything. Also set this up so it is happening while my son is in school and she is at work. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, Also really worried about my kid with this therapy and him possibly being put onto meds by this Psychiatrist but he isn't fighting me on any of this which is honestly rather surprising to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 (edited) As your son's father, he should be involved at this time....unless you believe that his involvement would be more harmful than good. If he loves him, he deserves an opportunity to participate in guiding his son from harm/distress. You deserve this also. Let him step up when his son needs him. If you are able, run this meeting past his therapist. I think this is the best course of action...with the caveat that your judgement is the best. If you are feeling competency toward the therapist, allow them an opportunity to do what they do. If at any time a treatment doesn't feel right, ask questions/intervene. Given your son's recent emotional instability, the therapist and psychiatrist seem on a usual course. Getting your son stabilized and on a road to productive mental health will take some time. Having a baby is a big deal to a person of any age..... Some emotional angst is perfectly natural. That he is only 16 makes this doubly true. Stay strong, take care of your stress and be a rock for him. The steps you are taking are all good...not easy but it's clear that you are right there for him. Spend some time together doing something relaxing that you both enjoy. A hike, batting cages...whatever would be fun and just be mom and son for a few hours.... Hang in there. Edited March 8, 2017 by Timshel Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 But is having a baby really so much to push him to think suicide was the answer? That honestly concerns me a great deal that he thought that was the only answer to try and get out from under the pressure he was under. I just am hoping this therapist knows what she is doing and can help him. He has his second appointment this afternoon and then the psychiatrist appointment Friday. But I will bring up the lunch meeting to her and get her feelings on it. Really trying to get him to set some healthy boundaries with this girl because everytime she leaves he gets depressed and moody again and it isn't healthy at all. Think I will bring that up to his therapist as well but aside from that I do think his dad being involved would be a good thing, at least I hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 But is having a baby really so much to push him to think suicide was the answer? That honestly concerns me a great deal that he thought that was the only answer to try and get out from under the pressure he was under. I just am hoping this therapist knows what she is doing and can help him. He has his second appointment this afternoon and then the psychiatrist appointment Friday. But I will bring up the lunch meeting to her and get her feelings on it. Really trying to get him to set some healthy boundaries with this girl because everytime she leaves he gets depressed and moody again and it isn't healthy at all. Think I will bring that up to his therapist as well but aside from that I do think his dad being involved would be a good thing, at least I hope so. No, suicidal ideation is not a 'normal' reaction, hence therapy. Hopefully the therapist and psychiatrist will successfully stabilize your son. I am optimistic that they will. Keep on keeping on with that, it's great that your son is embracing this assistance. That's a positive step for him getting better. I suspect that gf is not a positive influence on your son, however, he has to get past crisis and his depression treated before dealing with that issue. It's unlikely that he will be receptive to criticism of their relationship at this time. I agree that discussing this with his therapist is the best course of action. This girl will be in your lives for a very long time so it's best to tread carefully with that and focus on your son's well being for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 I don't think she is a good influence for him either but if I say anything, I will just push him further into her and do more harm then good honestly. Second appointment with the therapist went long between the two of them and then she brought me in and I explained everything to her and she thought the lunch was a good idea. I also brought up how manic depressive he gets after his girlfriend leaves and she said it sounds like she isn't good for him and there is probably more going on but she would try to get him to talk about it in their next appointment. The psychiatrist is tomorrow so we will see if he is put on meds and what kind of meds hoping for the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 hoping for the best. Me too. Steady as she goes, right. At lunch, focus on the plan. It would be a good time to talk about how often they see each other and all of you setting boundaries that both these kids will hear at home. United. They love her as you love your son and all of you are faced with the same problem. Tackle this together, truthfully, these kids need that. Team grandchild. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts