Mr. Lucky Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 The gf isn't a minor, so there is a possibility of statutory rape, again, assuming U.S. Those laws vary greatly state-by-state. ConcernedMom, are you comfortable telling us what state you live in? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 ConcernedMom, I have given this some thought, and I hope my take will help. You see I can relate to each side. I was 16 when I started dating my wife, she 18. We moved in together when I was 17, married just before I turned 19, and had our first child, a girl, just before I turned 22. I remember being very much in love, and seeing no one but her. That was 40 plus years ago, 6 kids, and 10 Grand kids, and we will have our 50th soon. I am a collage professional, and make above the average in salary. So things can work out. Marring my wife was the best decision I made at that age, as it allowed both of us to grow and get along in the world. We are exceptions to the rule, so I will not state that our path is for everyone, but it can work out for the best. Your son will have to grow up real fast with a baby coming as will she. My wife and I both had to, and is many ways, we went from being kids to full adults in a very short. Here is a link that may help: The Benefits of Getting Married Young | The Art of Manliness I do not want to sound like this is the best thing for your son, or that he is not taking a hard road, just it can turn out good. Now as a Parent, and Grand Parent, the situation would drive me wild, and I would have all the worries and nightmares that you have. I remember telling my parents, when I hit 30 or so, that I so got their issues with how my wife and I came to be. Sad part is I do not know, in today society, with out support from your EX, that is much you can do. The baby is coming, the fact of the G/F is here. Lets face it, he is sixteen and getting sex on a regular basis. That is hard to give up. Know it was for me, in fact I never did. My best advise, is to try and be as supportive as you can, but to make sure he now knows, that he is a adult, no matter what his calendar age is. He will have to step up. She will as well, and I think you will see this fall apart or move to a more strong foundation real soon. Right now it is all sex and excitement of being grown up and being a father, the real parts of life will hit soon. BTW, as soon as he can join, get him into the military. It is the one place when he can support his child and wife at his age. If he is smart, it can lead to collage and a career later on. It is what I did. I wish you and yours luck, and hope for the best.......... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 First, your son is a minor so why are you asking about his gf getting him home at a decent hour? He's a minor so you and his dad will be responsible for child support until he reaches the age of 18, assuming U.S. The gf isn't a minor, so there is a possibility of statutory rape, again, assuming U.S. You don't seem to want to make waves OP and have had lots of helpful feedback. Most important would be to hold your son accountable and for starters, if you have a curfew....you enforce it instead of hoping his 19 yr. old gf does. So the baby is on the way, lot's of people have an uneasy start and turn out fine. FWIW, you are a legal parent to the father of your grandchild, according to law. Set boundaries....he is not allowed out on a school night, for one. He get's a job weekends and all the money he earns goes straight to a savings account for the baby....etc. Best wishes IT is a tad more complicated than just telling them do you really think I haven't? He already has a job he works at our local Movie theater. I already took the keys to his Motorcycle and he takes the bus to school and I pick him up and drop him off from school to his work when he doesn't have a baseball game or practice. But his so called girlfriend picks him up from work before I get there and he runs off with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Those laws vary greatly state-by-state. ConcernedMom, are you comfortable telling us what state you live in? Mr. Lucky We live in Florida. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 We live in Florida. In Florida, a 16-yr old can consent to sex with someone 23 or younger. You don't really have a legal angle to pursue... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 Her parents called and they want us to all get togeather to talk things through and try and figure this out. So they have invited us over for dinner tomorrow night. Not sure how I will be able to contain my anger against this young lady but I will try very hard. Just an incredibly frustrating situation. Also sat my son down and I told him if he doesn't start listening to me and following my rules he would lose a lot more than just his motorcycle and riding privileges for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Not sure how I will be able to contain my anger against this young lady Your son's girlfriend did not get pregnant all by herself. You may feel justified in your anger, but, the more likely ramification thereof is that you will, ultimately, alienate your son -- especially; if this does work out for the long term, which, I suppose, is what we do hope for this young new family, then his resentment or feeling 'abandoned' by you in this period of his greatest testing and emotional vulnerability may be very difficult to overcome. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 the more likely ramification thereof is that you will, ultimately, alienate your son And ConcernedMom, you risk limiting your access to your grandchild (assuming that's how this resolves) at a time when the child may need you as a stabilizing force in it's life. Keep your cards close to your vest. Advocate without alienating. At this point, the future is known to none... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 OP, try to focus your attention on establishing open communication and a good rapport with the girl's parents. These two kids will need a tremendous amount of financial and emotional support. The most difficult part for the grandparents in this situation is knowing that these two have zero concept of the long term difficulties/ramifications they are faced with. They simply do not. A balance will need to occur between allowing natural consequences and protecting the well being of your grandchild. It's natural to be frustrated but it's unproductive toward making cohesive short and long term plans that are amendable for all parties. If all four grandparents can establish a reasonable and united front in moving the kids in a proper direction....there's good hope in an eventual positive outcome. Make communication with her parents a priority. Good luck with this, I sincerely hope that it the nearest future possible being a grandma is pure joy. Have faith that eventually, it will be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 So the dinner went alright everyone showed up and we got things hashed out. And I guess I understand her and my sons relationship better now. Apparently, she has had feelings for him since she was a Junior in high school and he was a freshmen and just waited awhile and didn't feel anything was wrong with what they were doing. And she waited for my son I guess to get older and mature. I don't agree with it but I understand it a bit better. Although it came to light that she told him she was on BC and thus they weren't using condoms and they tried to pull out but naturally it failed. Which I could of told them that. But they are going to keep it and try and work through things and make it work. Her parents showed more anger at her then I did which was kind of surprising. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 That sounds a lot better than how things could have gone. I'm relieved to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 ConcernedMom, That is good news that you were able to come to a higher understanding over dinner; hopefully, it will build from here. Her parents showed more anger at her then I did which was kind of surprising. Well...like you, they also had a different vision for their offspring's young adulthood and life in general than the reality of the actual circumstances. Her parents are also dealing with the disappointment of their dreams for their child being well and truly shattered. Both children still are in (desperate) need of their adults' understanding, compassion and support -- and, hopefully, your son can count on her parents and she can count on you, to give that to them In Love and Light. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Sometimes, things just work out at age 16 or 19. Consider this - compared to cultures earlier in our history, our children marry and have kids later in life. I can't say whether this is good or bad. But hormones exist for a reason, and the fact is that couples who have kids earlier in life often have healthier kids and can have strong relationships. If your son and their daughter waited for a while to start their relationship, that is a good sign. Instead of being angry, it might be time to try to support them and help make the relationship work. Support and advice is necessary for almost any young couple, especially support from their families. On a personal note - I was engaged when I was very young. It was a total secret between my exBF and me, and our families didn't know because they wouldn't have approved. Back then, in spite of the fact that I normally prefer women, I really wanted to be a wife and mom. I tried SO HARD to get pregnant, but it never happened. Our plan had been to use the pregnancy as justification for emancipation from our parents and an early wedding with the consent of a judge. So, at this point, if your son really loves her - he might (depending on your state) have the ability to go ahead and marry this girl and start family life. At that point, all your "sanctions" or whatever won't do much good, and you will only have alienated him and the mother of your grandchild. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 But they are going to keep it and try and work through things and make it work. Has there been discussion of marriage and/or living arrangements? Does she have insurance coverage? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 It's not the end of the world or even the end of dreams. Turns out, babies are portable. There is absolutely no reason on God's green Earth that both of these young folks can't get decent educations and be parents to their child, too. They'll just have to work a bit harder, make a few adjustments, and have a good support system behind them. I had my first weeks after my 18th birthday. I had my 2nd at 23 and my youngest at 25. Honestly, I don't regret it for a single minute. I'm glad I got the 3 am feedings, up all night with colic, exhausting 24 hr care over with when I was young and needed the sleep less! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 No, we didn't discuss living arrangments my son is still sixteen after all and still needs to focus on school. But when we did get home my son and I had a very long talk and I think we have come to an understanding and I gave him back his keys to his bike with the understanding that he is home at a proper hour and keeps up his schooling and work. And I don't know if she has insurance or not it didn't even think of it to ask or anything. And I do understand this doesn't have to destroy his dreams and education but at the same time the school that offered him a scholarship over two and a half hours away. Link to post Share on other sites
jiffysound Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 If you reside in the US you should call the Police and get them involved with this situation. She is an adult and your son is a MINOR. What if the roles were reversed and your son was the 19 year old and his *girlfriend* was 16, don't you think that for her parents would prosecute your son without any regard for his wellbeing? And he would have a *pedophile attached to his record and would have to register as a sex offender* that would effect his life, his job opportunities, basically his entire life. And please make sure that the kid is his via a paternity test. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 No, we didn't discuss living arrangments my son is still sixteen after all and still needs to focus on school. But when we did get home my son and I had a very long talk and I think we have come to an understanding and I gave him back his keys to his bike with the understanding that he is home at a proper hour and keeps up his schooling and work. And I don't know if she has insurance or not it didn't even think of it to ask or anything. And I do understand this doesn't have to destroy his dreams and education but at the same time the school that offered him a scholarship over two and a half hours away. I mean, that's not that far. He could go to school and be with them every weekend. It's not ideal and it will probably put a strain on their relationship, but in the long run it will benefit them greatly in terms of their financial future and stability. There's also the possibility of her and the baby going with him to college. Does it offer family housing? I think these things should be discussed. You seem to be in denial a little bit and talking about things such as giving him access to his bike, but fact is - this is no longer just a kid, this is a father-to-be. You're facing much bigger problems that a bike. 9 months goes by fast and you guys need to start preparing and figuring out the tough questions. If you reside in the US you should call the Police and get them involved with this situation. She is an adult and your son is a MINOR. What if the roles were reversed and your son was the 19 year old and his *girlfriend* was 16, don't you think that for her parents would prosecute your son without any regard for his wellbeing? And he would have a *pedophile attached to his record and would have to register as a sex offender* that would effect his life, his job opportunities, basically his entire life. And please make sure that the kid is his via a paternity test. We've established that in the OP's home state, sex between a 16 year old and a 19 year old is not illegal. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 If you reside in the US you should call the Police and get them involved with this situation. She is an adult and your son is a MINOR. What if the roles were reversed and your son was the 19 year old and his *girlfriend* was 16, don't you think that for her parents would prosecute your son without any regard for his wellbeing? And he would have a *pedophile attached to his record and would have to register as a sex offender* that would effect his life, his job opportunities, basically his entire life. And please make sure that the kid is his via a paternity test. If you would have read the thread, you'd know the OP lives in Florida and the law there states that a 16 year old can consent to sex with people up to 23 years old, so there is no legal standing there. Also, someone is only a pedophile is molesting children before puberty. After that it is statutory rape, which is NOT the same thing. But what I don't get, OP is how you are blaming her on giving your son alcohol... when she is also underage when it comes to alcohol. He could be the one getting it, just as easily! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 No, we didn't discuss living arrangments my son is still sixteen after all and still needs to focus on school. But when we did get home my son and I had a very long talk and I think we have come to an understanding and I gave him back his keys to his bike with the understanding that he is home at a proper hour and keeps up his schooling and work. And I don't know if she has insurance or not it didn't even think of it to ask or anything. And I do understand this doesn't have to destroy his dreams and education but at the same time the school that offered him a scholarship over two and a half hours away. I hope he grabs that scholarship with both hands. It's a terrific start to have if he's going to be supporting a family long term. A 2.5hr journey home each weekend would eat into a lot of study time, so perhaps he could come home less often. But still be involved to the best of his ability. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Because she admitted to the giving him alcohol bit, And How am I in denial? He is still a kid at 16 years old. I understand some see him as an adult but he isn't one he just made a very adult decisions so far. He is still my first born kid and yes I am being protective but I just want the best for him. I asked him tonight what he wanted to do living arrangement wise and he said he is happy here for now and I asked him what about college and he said he wanted to get an apartment up there with his girlfriend. And that her parents are willing to set her up with a job at one of their businesses up there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 He is still a kid at 16 years old. Isn't college still a couple of years away? Mosy 16-yr olds are high school sophomores or juniors. Lot could happen between now and then, both challenges and opportunities... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 ...I asked him what about college and he said he wanted to get an apartment up there with his girlfriend. And that her parents are willing to set her up with a job at one of their businesses up there. It sounds, then, that HER parents ALSO want their 'son-in-law', so to speak, to go to college - AND they are willing to support the couple by setting her up with a job in the city/town where he will go to college. ALSO, there seems to be a consensus, in her household, that she will be the breadwinner or primary breadwinner while he is studying. I get that she won't necessarily start working until after she gives birth, but, the rest of them are clearly looking ahead and making viable plans that are based on current reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConcernedMom Posted February 21, 2017 Author Share Posted February 21, 2017 Yes college is about a year away my son is a Junior so they won't be dealing with a newborn but a toddler which might be better or might be worse. But we are assuming the relationship lasts that long and it doesn't just fall apart. Son has been acting strange though he hasn't been hanging out with her and has been spending more time at his baseball practices. And when I asked him about it he just gets moody and says it is nothing. I don't know what is going on but I hope it isn't serious. Her parents did call and wanted to get togeather this weekend again and I said that would be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 But we are assuming the relationship lasts that long and it doesn't just fall apart. The relationship could fall apart but that obviously wouldn't end your son's support obligations and connection to his child. Life would certainly be simpler if they're on the same parenting page... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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