16 year old son has older girlfriend whom is pregnant..

[bluefeather]

Yes college is about a year away my son is a Junior so they won't be dealing with a newborn but a toddler which might be better or might be worse. But we are assuming the relationship lasts that long and it doesn't just fall apart. Son has been acting strange though he hasn't been hanging out with her and has been spending more time at his baseball practices. And when I asked him about it he just gets moody and says it is nothing. I don't know what is going on but I hope it isn't serious. Her parents did call and wanted to get togeather this weekend again and I said that would be fine.

 

They are very young and haven't been dating very long. Add those factors plus the huge change of pregnancy, and it is going to test their relationship. I won't be surprised if they break up at least once.

[noelle303]

Yes college is about a year away my son is a Junior so they won't be dealing with a newborn but a toddler which might be better or might be worse. But we are assuming the relationship lasts that long and it doesn't just fall apart. Son has been acting strange though he hasn't been hanging out with her and has been spending more time at his baseball practices. And when I asked him about it he just gets moody and says it is nothing. I don't know what is going on but I hope it isn't serious. Her parents did call and wanted to get togeather this weekend again and I said that would be fine.

 

My advice is that you tell him to try and make the effort to stay with his girlfriend. In those first few years, before they get on their feet, it's going to be so much easier if they are together. If he thinks it's going to be tough being a dad in college, maybe he shoud think about what it's like to be a single dad in college.

If they're together they can have a joint budget and she would work while he's in school. If they split up, he's on his own, he'll be liable for child support and driving over two hours to see his kid.

[ConcernedMom]

I think they are struggling now for some reason she keeps calling the home phone instead of directly to his cell. And he doesn't want to call her back or talk to her. I am not sure what is going on but if they are struggling already it doesn't bring me a lot of confidence. When I asked him about it he got defensive and just said they had a massive fight and for me to stay out of it please. I will try and get more out of him tomorrow I suppose. I actually want their relationship to succeed for stability of this child.

[Ronni_W]

I actually want their relationship to succeed for stability of this child.

Then let them both know that - and make it absolutely clear to each of them - and ask them how you can best help and be of service to them. Let them tell you (and her parents, also), rather than just stumbling along guessing and making assumptions.

 

There still is the matter of getting the both of them proper guidance and useful information on everything from managing finances to raising happy and constructive children to relationship skills and proper conflict resolution -- whether through YouTube videos, books or resources acquired from your local 'teen parenting' organizations and agencies.

If you choose, you can start gathering the info that you know they'll need sooner or later -- yet, don't 'force it' upon them but rather just make it available or let them know where to find it themselves.

 

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your grandchild! May it bring along many other Blessings, as well.

[Mr. Lucky]

I actually want their relationship to succeed for stability of this child.

 

Using "stability" and "16-yr old" in the same paragraph brings its own inherent contradictions. Hope both sets of Grandparents will be available to fill in the gaps...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ConcernedMom]

So I finally figured out why they have been fighting overheard them arguing because she came over today and it sounds like she lied and purposefully didn't take some of her BC. And now naturally he is angry and distrustful of her right now. And thus has been ignoring here because it seems like anytime they try and talk it turns into a massive fight. Not ok with this if what I heard is true and she mislead everyone. Not sure what I am going to do but when we get togeather with her parents again I think I should bring this up to them.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not sure what I am going to do but when we get together with her parents again I think I should bring this up to them.

 

While this could certainly be true, your son had his own BC responsibilities. Had he used a condom, none of this would have occurred. And I'm going to assume you've discussed STD's with him also, something else he seems to have ignored.

 

So while it's convenient to blame her, that approach ignores many factors. And regardless of who did - or should have done - what, she's still pregnant.

 

I'd focus on the future. Plenty on everyone's plate awaiting there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

So I finally figured out why they have been fighting overheard them arguing because she came over today and it sounds like she lied and purposefully didn't take some of her BC. And now naturally he is angry and distrustful of her right now. And thus has been ignoring here because it seems like anytime they try and talk it turns into a massive fight. Not ok with this if what I heard is true and she mislead everyone. Not sure what I am going to do but when we get togeather with her parents again I think I should bring this up to them.

 

I was 17 when I first started dating my husband, that is 4 years older than me. I was pregnant & married by 19...so I've been here.

 

I know he's 16 & still a minor but the damage is done, she's pregnant & having a baby wether you like it or not. They're going to fight a lot bc they're both young & she's hormonal. I know this is going to hard to do (as am a mother of a 17 year old) but try to stay out of their fights & or holding animosity towards her. It's not going to get you anywhere nor help...& whatever doesn't help this kind of situation only makes it worse.

 

Your son, even though young, made a choice to have sex & you can't blame anyone else for his choice...sometimes mistakes have life long consequence & he's learning the hard way. In the same respect, it's your grandchild & I highly doubt you'll ever look at this child as a mistake...my mom became a grandmother at 36 (she married at 16) & was devastated when I told her I was pregnant. She refused to be happy through my whole pregnancy, told me to abort...guess who pushed everyone out of the way to get to the baby (including my husband) the second I gave birth, yep the woman that said "this child will never call me grandma" was repeating "say high to grandma".

 

No matter what, a baby itself is always a blessing, even if the way they got here wasn't. Good luck to you guys!

[Timshel]

So I finally figured out why they have been fighting overheard them arguing because she came over today and it sounds like she lied and purposefully didn't take some of her BC. And now naturally he is angry and distrustful of her right now. And thus has been ignoring here because it seems like anytime they try and talk it turns into a massive fight. Not ok with this if what I heard is true and she mislead everyone. Not sure what I am going to do but when we get togeather with her parents again I think I should bring this up to them.

 

You may bring this up to her parents, however, given a dna test validates your son as the father, pointless.

 

There is no person more or less responsible in this situation. All effort are toward an innocent unborn child. Do not let your son think for a second that his gf's birth control has anything to do with his amount of responsibility. I would hesitate to set that example by bringing it to parent's of his gf's attention. To what end, exactly?

 

Your son is a child, literally...his pregnant gf is, by adult standards, a child as well.

This is a very difficult situation that will not be made less so by attempting to negate responsibility.

 

There isn't any way on earth that you should expect your son to behave in a mature/responsible way any time within the next decade or so. Unfortunately, this means brass tacks.

 

Again, you are the responsible parent of the father of your grandchild.

[noelle303]

While this could certainly be true, your son had his own BC responsibilities. Had he used a condom, none of this would have occurred. And I'm going to assume you've discussed STD's with him also, something else he seems to have ignored.

 

So while it's convenient to blame her, that approach ignores many factors. And regardless of who did - or should have done - what, she's still pregnant.

 

I'd focus on the future. Plenty on everyone's plate awaiting there...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

While I agree that BC is the responsibility of both partners, it is still really disgusting that she lied to him and got pregnant on purpose, I'd say in this case the responsibility is a little bit more on her.

 

Nevertheless, what's done is done. If your son isn't able to trust her anymore, that's totally understandable, but you need to explain to him the reality of becoming a single father at only 16.

[basil67]

So I finally figured out why they have been fighting overheard them arguing because she came over today and it sounds like she lied and purposefully didn't take some of her BC. And now naturally he is angry and distrustful of her right now. And thus has been ignoring here because it seems like anytime they try and talk it turns into a massive fight. Not ok with this if what I heard is true and she mislead everyone. Not sure what I am going to do but when we get togeather with her parents again I think I should bring this up to them.

 

Your son has every right to be angry and distrustful of her. While he can't escape the realities of fatherhood, I would give him every support in ending a romantic relationship with a partner who lied about something which is life altering for both of them.

 

While he should be there for the child, he should not have to be there for her.

 

Also, if he did end the relationship because of her lies, she may get over her notions of happy families and rethink her decision to keep the baby.

Edited February 23, 2017 by basil67

[Whoknew30]

Your son has every right to be angry and distrustful of her. While he can't escape the realities of fatherhood, I would give him every support in ending a romantic relationship with a partner who lied about something which is life altering for both of them.

 

While he should be there for the child, he should not have to be there for her.

 

Also, if he did end the relationship because of her lies, she may get over her notions of happy families and rethink her decision to keep the baby.

 

Birth control is not a 100% effective...he could have worn a condom & he evidently he choose to "finish the job" inside...when people have sex you take a risk of pregnancy, both people (unless it was forced sex) are 100% responsible...for a guy to get mad at a girl he had willingly sexy with is not the right mind frame when getting ready for parental responsibility...even if they don't make it as a couple, part of the responsibility of being an adult is realizing you only control your own actions & had he controlled his own actions she couldn't have become pregnant...she has to take ownership of hers too but that's separate from his own responsibility

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd say in this case the responsibility is a little bit more on her.

 

I guess we'll just have to disagree. I had a 3-year window between my divorce and meeting my (now) wife and I dated extensively. I had partners tell me everything from hysterectomy to tubes tied to pill/patch/IUD and I still used a condom every single time, for two pretty obvious reasons - pregnancy and STD's. It lays the issue of responsibility to rest.

 

I do agree it might not be realistic to expect a 16-yr old to take the same precautions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Timshel]

Your son has every right to be angry and distrustful of her. While he can't escape the realities of fatherhood, I would give him every support in ending a romantic relationship with a partner who lied about something which is life altering for both of them.

 

While he should be there for the child, he should not have to be there for her.

 

Also, if he did end the relationship because of her lies, she may get over her notions of happy families and rethink her decision to keep the baby.

 

Come on basil, what are the odds a 16 yr. old boy was thinking about bc and babies with a hard on....

 

These are kids, both of them. What good will come to make a 19 yr. old girl into some conniving, manipulative *ss?

 

What's done is done. I'm sure there's lot's of anger to go round on both grandparent's part.

 

What's left is reality...anger is expected but as always entirely unproductive.

[basil67]

Birth control is not a 100% effective...he could have worn a condom & he evidently he choose to "finish the job" inside...when people have sex you take a risk of pregnancy, both people (unless it was forced sex) are 100% responsible...for a guy to get mad at a girl he had willingly sexy with is not the right mind frame when getting ready for parental responsibility...even if they don't make it as a couple, part of the responsibility of being an adult is realizing you only control your own actions & had he controlled his own actions she couldn't have become pregnant...she has to take ownership of hers too but that's separate from his own responsibility

 

Yes, he can't blame her for the fact he didn't use condoms. But this doesn't alter the fact that it appears she actively and willingly deceived him.

 

To me, actively and willingly deceiving a partner (about anything!) should be a deal breaker. What kind of lesson do we teach a young person if we tell them they should accept a deceitful partner?

[Timshel]

Yes, he can't blame her for the fact he didn't use condoms. But this doesn't alter the fact that it appears she actively and willingly deceived him.

 

To me, actively and willingly deceiving a partner (about anything!) should be a deal breaker. What kind of lesson do we teach a young person if we tell them they should accept a deceitful partner?

 

You do realize that you are referring to a 16 and 19 yr. old?

 

That said, and yes I do realize you were not addressing myself, the odds of this 'relationship' lasting until childbirth is ridiculously low. The chances of this relationship evolving to marriage and celebrating anniversaries together are lower still.

 

In my mind (call me crazy) the horse is out of the barn...I would want to keep good relations all around for the sake of my grandchild and when the kids go their separate ways, there is peace.

[basil67]

Timshel, are you suggesting that he doesn't have a right to be angry about her deception? Are you suggesting that he shouldn't have dealbreakers in a relationship?

 

I have a 17yo daughter and we very much talk about relationship and the kinds of behaviour which should cause her to walk away.

 

Yes, he should be a father to the child. He should work with her within the bounds that his school and college allows. He should not belittle her to the child. And there should be civility between all concerned. But he should not have to stay with her simply because she's pregnant.

[Whoknew30]

Yes, he can't blame her for the fact he didn't use condoms. But this doesn't alter the fact that it appears she actively and willingly deceived him.

 

To me, actively and willingly deceiving a partner (about anything!) should be a deal breaker. What kind of lesson do we teach a young person if we tell them they should accept a deceitful partner?

 

It's not about him accepting her being deceitful, it's about him taking his own responsibility knowing the consequences of his own actions...can't go blaming pregnancy on the other person you were having sex with, when there absolutely no way of 100% preventing pregnancy & even at 16 one knows the risk.

 

Also "talking to her family" & or arguing about it, is going to do what? It's not going to make her un-pregnant...damage is done. So why start of being first time parents at each other's throats, it's both their faults equally & not all the anger or blame in the world is going to change that...most important thing is to get them ready as can be to be prepared for parenting...focusing on anything else takes away from baby, which is the most important person in all of this.

[Timshel]

Timshel, are you suggesting that he doesn't have a right to be angry about her deception? Are you suggesting that he shouldn't have dealbreakers in a relationship?

 

I have a 17yo daughter and we very much talk about relationship and the kinds of behaviour which should cause her to walk away.

 

Yes, he should be a father to the child. He should work with her within the bounds that his school and college allows. He should not belittle her to the child. And there should be civility between all concerned. But he should not have to stay with her simply because she's pregnant.

 

No, he should not and most likely will not stay with her simply because she's pregnant.

 

My daughter is 24 and expecting. My first.

 

OP's son will have a lot of weight on his shoulders, from this point till.....he doesn't have a clue about that yet.

What I'm saying is in this situation, it's done. It's too late to point fingers and find rage.

 

Although with him off to college, which is where he should go come heck or high water, education about std/bc should be a very high priority.

 

Also, ConcernedMom, parenting classes. This is not easy, please try to think long term, a decade from now, what does that look like for your son and grandchild?

 

We have more common ground than not.

[Tayla]

The horse might be out of the barn but it's equally plausible that he's not the stud of this foul.

[mightycpa]

So I finally figured out why they have been fighting overheard them arguing because she came over today and it sounds like she lied and purposefully didn't take some of her BC. And now naturally he is angry and distrustful of her right now. And thus has been ignoring here because it seems like anytime they try and talk it turns into a massive fight. Not ok with this if what I heard is true and she mislead everyone. Not sure what I am going to do but when we get togeather with her parents again I think I should bring this up to them.

If this were about money, it would be called FRAUD IN THE INDUCEMENT. Could he have mitigated the chances with condoms? Sure. But that's not what the real issue was. The real issue was that he was dealing with an unfaithful partner. The real issue is that he has an unfaithful partner for the next 18 years or so, given that the baby is his. This is the character of the person he's dealing with, and now he's stuck with her. The ramifications of that are immense and will color every long term decision he makes.

 

You know what else? He goes away to college and shacks up with the girl, or marries her, or whatever, it's him and her and the baby and the problems and challenges and all of those coeds too. And who's to say that she won't meet someone who seems more desirable, more suitable, more right for the situation? One of these two is going to end up on the short end of the stick. That is almost inevitable.

 

Rather than focus on the next year or so, you might do well to focus on the long term. What happens when they break up? Will he be equally as unprepared? Time to think through the awful scenarios. You almost know they are coming.

[ConcernedMom]

I understand he is still equally at fault it does take two to tango and all but I also appreciate his anger and hurt at the situation. He hasn't broken up with her yet she somehow talked him out of that when she was over and talking to him. I don't know what he is going to do but I am trying to teach him ways to properly handle his anger. I also think it is hitting him because he has been depressed and was even crying tonight. I am not going to tell him to break up with her over this and I have expressed that it is his choice but it changes nothing right now. This was his first serious relationship and I know the chances are this won't last and will probably end badly and someone will get hurt. I also spoke to him about going to parenting classes as suggested and he seemed open to it but wanted me to go with him.

[Ronni_W]

I also spoke to him about going to parenting classes as suggested and he seemed open to it but wanted me to go with him.

It is wonderful that you are getting through to him - hopefully you will also be able to help him realize that he needs to attend those parenting classes with the

soon-to-be-mother of his child...not with his own mother. . (Although I do totally feel for him and how he might be feeling just a tad 'little boy overwhelmed', right now.

If you would, please give him an extra hug - from me.)

 

Ronni

[ConcernedMom]

I am hoping I am finally getting through to him but when I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner with her and her family tomorrow he hesitated to answer. I don't think I will tell them what I know and just let the two of them decide if her parents need to know about the new details of how everything went down. Hoping they can be in the same room togeather without my son getting vitriolic towards her. Have told him it is alright to get angry but not to the point that he has been getting upset to where he has punched a brick wall ext.

[ConcernedMom]

Dinner didn't go nearly as good as the first one, My son and this girl came almost to blows with each other I don't know how or if this relationship is going to survive in all honesty. But her parents know what really happened and they were incredibly understanding of my sons anger. But I suggested that they both take a break away from each other for a few days as my son needs some space to process things and try and work through his feelings. But on the plus side I got him signed up for a parenting class starting on Tuesday and he is still willing to attend it. All I do know right now is he is feeling rather trapped and still betrayed and as this is his first major relationship he is dealing with all of this for the first time. Not going to say he is dealing with it correctly because almost punching your girlfriend isn't right or even close to how you deal with your anger and hurt. Not sure where that is coming from though he has never really raised a hand to anyone so for this to be upsetting him that much is kind of alarming.