Do Men Suffer As Much

[Whoknew30]

The point I've tried for some time to get through to her is this isn't healthy. The natural progression in life is that feelings unattended die. So after a decade of no contact she should absolutely be indifferent especially since it was destructive towards her family.

 

Making the decision to end the affair isn't the same as choosing your spouse out of a sense of obligation or it the right thing to do. Mindset is extremely important in healthy relationships. If you have the mindset that it's OK to carry feelings then it's impossible to truly commit into another relationship.

 

I believe she believes the things she is saying, but it's because she doesn't know any better. She has to pick up her husband's socks, he is available...This other guy is on a pedestal, the stuff fantasies are made of...Forever a great guy, like frozen in time.

 

It's simply not healthy or fair.

 

Mindset is important & anyone thinking that every feeling is their spouses business & or you can control feelings is extremely unhealthy...in fact that's a extremely unrealistic statement "impossible to commit bc of feelings"...feelings & situations will pop up, it's called temptation & temptation is a feeling of wanting to do something you're not supposed to...to say that will never exist is absolute fantasy.

 

As I said, most WS that have long term A cared about their AP or they wouldn't have continued an A with them...it's not fair & that's a given in A bit guess what, that's a given in life in general.

 

Life isn't fair & if someone else's feelings that aren't acted on, get to a person, that's a person that needs some IC...bc there is not one book, therapist, counselor & or religious leader worth their salt that would ever say that feelings themselves are unhealthy, only any negative actions that are committed from a particular feeling.

 

I think it's interesting though to write something & how someone's perspective adds words to what was said...

 

I never put OM on a pedestal & or didn't see his flaws nor did I ever say "great love story"...I simply said "OM will always have a special place & he never did anything wrong to me but cared about me". My actions were the knife to my H & at the end of it, i stabbed both men. Yes, society will say OM had it coming & maybe he did but none the less, I hurt both & I own it.

[Girlfromcali]

When I was going through my breakup, I contacted a lot of MM from different sites, this site included, trying to figure out their mindset.

 

I learned that almost all of them, after breaking up from their OW, wanted to have another A. This includes the men who never cheated before. Some men had decided they were not going to cheat again but even they admitted that something had changed and they're not that comfortable around women anymore, and they have to make a conscious effort to avoid temptation (which was never an issue before).

 

I asked my xMM after some years after our breakup if he ever had another A, and he said he would never do it again, it was too painful, and he wished it had never happened and that he was a happier person before.

 

So, they remember the sex with the mistress and yes they "suffer" a lot because they can't have it again.

 

Not all MM are comfortable being liars and cheaters. Some of them actually have values and a moral compass, and they're trying to do the right thing.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Girlfromcali

[DKT3]

Mindset is important & anyone thinking that every feeling is their spouses business & or you can control feelings is extremely unhealthy...in fact that's a extremely unrealistic statement "impossible to commit bc of feelings"...feelings & situations will pop up, it's called temptation & temptation is a feeling of wanting to do something you're not supposed to...to say that will never exist is absolute fantasy.

 

As I said, most WS that have long term A cared about their AP or they wouldn't have continued an A with them...it's not fair & that's a given in A bit guess what, that's a given in life in general.

 

Life isn't fair & if someone else's feelings that aren't acted on, get to a person, that's a person that needs some IC...bc there is not one book, therapist, counselor & or religious leader worth their salt that would ever say that feelings themselves are unhealthy, only any negative actions that are committed from a particular feeling.

 

I think it's interesting though to write something & how someone's perspective adds words to what was said...

 

I never put OM on a pedestal & or didn't see his flaws nor did I ever say "great love story"...I simply said "OM will always have a special place & he never did anything wrong to me but cared about me". My actions were the knife to my H & at the end of it, i stabbed both men. Yes, society will say OM had it coming & maybe he did but none the less, I hurt both & I own it.

 

This is talking in circles and I doubt you will never actually get it.

 

Simply put, it's not natural or healthy to still have this level of emotional connection/involvement with someone you haven't been in contact with for 10 years. It suggests one of two things 1) you have in fact remained in contact 2) have some kind of obsession that you're unwilling to let go.

 

[]

Edited February 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unproductive to topic

[Whoknew30]

lol I think that you interpret WAY more than what someone is saying...when you read, go by someone's actual words, not your own interpretation of their words.

 

Having a soft spot & caring from afar is not obsessive, no where near it. I think when someone feels insecure about a particular subject or something that's happened in their past, it makes them read more into what someone is saying on that same issue...i don't think a lot of BH can have a non jaded conversation about A...take or way too personal.

Edited February 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[William]

Topic check and thread move advisory:

 

1. Moderation noted the thread starter hasn't visited/posted to this thread in a number of weeks and the discussion has trended to more general content rather than that regarding recovery from their affair situation.

 

2. The topic is about men in affairs suffering as much after they end, or not, so please continue discussion focusing on that content.

 

Thanks!

[Got it]

I agree with your statements. Furthermore affairs are nothing but fantasies. Well the majority of them. Hard to build a new life with an AP when it's based on lies and deceit!

 

Lol, really? I guess my husband and I didn't get this memo. Have a wonderful life together.

[Got it]

It is really going to vary by the man and where he is in life. One gender does not hold the key on one way of approaching, seeing, or needs being met from an affair. So it will be a wide spectrum of how they are impacted.

 

Speaking for myself and my (now) husband, I think he was far more emotionally needy for the affair than I was. I was far more of the mindset, and I have learned to compartmentalize well, to have it been a fling. It was his approach and desire to treat it like a regular relationship that changed my initial mindset.

 

It was also the impact of the affair ending and wanting to be together that expedited his divorce and, honestly, what he agreed to in the mediation.

 

 

 

 

But OP, how men feel, what anyone else feels, doesn't really matter at this point. IF he is torn up with regret, how does that help you today? If he is blissfully ignorant of the past, how does that help you today? His feelings are irrelevant for you, honestly.

 

You need to focus on you. I think you are stuck because letting go means moving on and so these emotions are keeping you connected and so even with the pain you are still tied to the relationship. I completely understand and know the solace that can bring. But this will stay your today until you finally grow tired of it and accept moving forward.

 

Seek professional counseling, some people move past pain more easily than others and for some this type of mourning can be triggered and amplified by childhood hurts. Please become your own best advocate and focus on nurturing her.

[ice3784]

I picked my own ending.

 

I picked my own time. It was after quite a few happy peaceful weeks. There weren't many of those during the Affair. It suddenly felt right.

 

xMM was shocked. I didn't let that bother me. He had 8 years of the best of two worlds.

 

It was, for me, a brilliant way to end the A... no argument or blame. It was just ENOUGH. I wasn't giving anymore.

 

XMM could do nothing because he wasn't willing to give any more either.

 

Poppy.

I wish i am strong enough to do like that.