Do Men Suffer As Much

[deadsoul]

I spent a lot of time thinking about how he felt after each of our break-ups, and the final one, especially. Cried all the tears I had in me thinking about answers about what he thinks, feels...and how easy it seemed for him to walk away from us. Waste of time thinking about it.

 

It wasn't until I started to care about myself that those questions finally started to fade away.

 

Now, it doesn't matter anymore to me what/how he feels.

 

Although still not easy and completely free of loneliness and sometimes longing for him, my life has peace and content with myself in it. Regardless of how lonely I feel ...more often than I'd want to, it's my life. It's peaceful and calm. And, I love it. It may not look like much to some, but it's mine.

 

I think there is so much truth to this OP and I have to do the same thing.

[DKT3]

I picked my own ending.

 

I picked my own time. It was after quite a few happy peaceful weeks. There weren't many of those during the Affair. It suddenly felt right.

 

xMM was shocked. I didn't let that bother me. He had 8 years of the best of two worlds.

 

It was, for me, a brilliant way to end the A... no argument or blame. It was just ENOUGH. I wasn't giving anymore.

 

XMM could do nothing because he wasn't willing to give any more either.

 

Poppy.

 

I think this is the key.....Very few ww's or ow here has made the decision to end the affairs. Some decide to stay married, but never ended the affairs. Doing so is what keeps one stuck. It's what keeps you thinking so highly of someone who had a hand on that bomb you dropped on your family.

[DKT3]

Once again, you as a man had conversations with other men...read up on it. Statistically men do not open up emotionally to other men as much as women do to each other. Personal experience alone, I've seen men bash a woman & say they could care a less & then asking me how to get her back...I'd be rich if I got payed for every conversation I've been in like that.

 

It's a little ironic to me, that if one hasn't personally had an A & or even knows why his BS did, knows so much about them.

 

I am happily married...& unlike your situation...I told my H exactly why I had an A. My AP I'll always care for bc he didn't lie to me & he thought we were going to have a life together...I hurt him & I'll forever feel bad about it. I've had an A that wasn't based on just sex & I wasn't using him & he wasn't using me. We genuinely cared about each other. Even after DDAY, he was willing to face it all with me, he didn't run & that's when I went NC & hurt him.

 

 

OP...I was the one that left AP, like what you're going through & I till this day care about him & hope for him the best & he feels the same. He did get married & we both have moved on but special place for each other will always be there. That's why I say, it may not be a matter of actual love but him doing the right thing by his family unit, all together...as you should do the right thing for yourself.

Not sure what leads you to believe I don't know why my wife had her affair. I know, she truly accepts responsibility with none of the nonsense about others doing it or using other issues to maske her short comings as a wife and mother.

 

I was a crappy husband, but it doesn't excuse the actions she took, she has admitted that here at LS.

 

So honesty isn't an issue, neither is either of us accepting less then we deserve because we cant move on. If I was punishing her I would expect and hope she wouldn't accept it, as I wouldn't accept her being in love or caring for someone who aided her is wrecking our life's kids included. You see really, the two can't truly coexist.

[Overtaxed]

Yes, excellent point.

There is a subset of men who have affairs.

So when we talk about a MM we mean one of that group and not men in general.

A man in an affair is therefore often an man who does "care so little", who is very good at compartmentalising, who is quite happy lying as long as he gets what he wants, who will say anything to keep his little "harem" going, who is only in it for the sex, who will move on unscathed leaving a trail of destruction in his wake, who only cares for himself, who is very happy being "da man" with two (or more) besotted women in tow, who swiftly acquires another OW, when this one won't play ball, who is all talk and no action.... etc.etc.

We "meet" them everyday on here, through the anguish of their OWs and the desperation of their BSs.

 

Exactly. Is there a chance the man is going to suffer as much/more? Of course there is. But it's a really, really small percentage of men involved in something like this, especially if the OM is married. I know others here disagree, and the WW's defend them and say it was about love, but, almost every man tells a woman he loves her to have sex. Very few men actually mean that. Of that subset, how many of those men are married and cheating on his wife, compartmentalizing their lives, willing to destroy another person like that and STILL actually mean it when they say "I love you" to the AP? Very, very few, I can promise you that.

 

You may discount my experience in this because I'm a BS and don't have first hand experience. But I do know a LOT of men who step out on their wives, and, they never talk about love. They talk about "dropping a plate" to pick up a new one. They talk about the sex. They talk about the woman's physical features. But they never talk about leaving their wives. They never talk about making a life with the AP. They view the OW as, at best, a good lay, and at worst, a desperate joke. I promise you, if I wore a VAR to a business meeting that turned into drinks afterwards, most WW's would vomit hearing the way these men talk about you. I'm sure while they are laughing about you and showing me your nude pictures they are sending you TXT's "I love you" and "You're the best thing in my life". So I understand the disconnect, I do. But you just don't know men, you really don't.

[Poppy47]

I think this is the key.....Very few ww's or ow here has made the decision to end the affairs. Some decide to stay married, but never ended the affairs. Doing so is what keeps one stuck. It's what keeps you thinking so highly of someone who had a hand on that bomb you dropped on your family.

 

My family is grown and never knew about the A. I am widowed DKT so what I did in ending the A was purely for my self respect and future.

 

My best decision in life ever, so far.LOL.

 

Cheers,

Poppy/

[Whoknew30]

Not sure what leads you to believe I don't know why my wife had her affair. I know, she truly accepts responsibility with none of the nonsense about others doing it or using other issues to maske her short comings as a wife and mother.

 

I was a crappy husband, but it doesn't excuse the actions she took, she has admitted that here at LS.

 

So honesty isn't an issue, neither is either of us accepting less then we deserve because we cant move on. If I was punishing her I would expect and hope she wouldn't accept it, as I wouldn't accept her being in love or caring for someone who aided her is wrecking our life's kids included. You see really, the two can't truly coexist.

 

I'm going by one of your own post on anther thread....so i just meant,

 

One can care for someone in their past, whether it was a wrong or right relationship. Doesn't mean it runs someone's life or you have to have contact with them...usually most people have loved someone other than their spouse & deep down still care for that person, doesn't mean it's a daily thing...of course unless in as this case, it's a new break up. Of course if the A is newly over, both AP are feeling it.

 

My teenager said something to me that pertains to this post. "Mom, you can control who i go out with but you can't control how I feel about someone"...& that's the truth, our feelings our are own, no one else's, not even our spouses...we can't control how we feel about anyone, we can only control our actions. The day it was over, it was over.

 

My family meant more but that all of a sudden didn't demonize my OM, it was my choice the things I did with him...I hurt him & I feel bad about it, just as I felt bad about hurting my H...that's why you hear "no one wins in A" bc everyone gets hurt, including the AP...which is why the OP made this thread, she was curious to know if her MM is hurt & if he wasn't a serial cheater, he probably was, ending an A is a break up, wether a BS likes it or not.

[FoundMyStrength]

My family meant more but that all of a sudden didn't demonize my OM, it was my choice the things I did with him...I hurt him & I feel bad about it, just as I felt bad about hurting my H...that's why you hear "no one wins in A" bc everyone gets hurt, including the AP...which is why the OP made this thread, she was curious to know if her MM is hurt & if he wasn't a serial cheater, he probably was, ending an A is a break up, wether a BS likes it or not.

 

Yep, this rings true for me too. I'm not in my xMM's head, but the things he wrote to me as we parted sounded like he was experiencing the genuine pain of a breakup. A loss. That's why I stay away, and remain NC. He made a choice, which I respected (perhaps the only thing I did show respect for), and I just happened to be the only one who recognized that his choice meant we would "break up", not stay in some prolonged back and forth agony that further destroys everyone, OW MM BS.

[RecentChange]

Well.... I am positive my "MM" shed no tears for me, and I certainly didn't shed any for him.

 

But I have a long history of compartmentalizing with the best of them. "Like a man" I place things in their little boxes. I actually asked him if he could keep emotions separate from sex before I agreed to go down that road.

 

We shared sex, not love. We shared ego stroking, not a deep care for each other.

 

I didn't love him, I loved the way he made me feel about myself. And the same was true for him. Any tenderness we shared was simply gratitude for the ego boost and a fresh perspective of our selves that we provided for each other.

 

Sure, perhaps he was an extreme outlier - but as a "chick" who has a lot of male friends, and is often privy to their locker room talk - I don't think he was very unusual.

[DKT3]

I'm going by one of your own post on anther thread....so i just meant,

 

One can care for someone in their past, whether it was a wrong or right relationship. Doesn't mean it runs someone's life or you have to have contact with them...usually most people have loved someone other than their spouse & deep down still care for that person, doesn't mean it's a daily thing...of course unless in as this case, it's a new break up. Of course if the A is newly over, both AP are feeling it.

 

My teenager said something to me that pertains to this post. "Mom, you can control who i go out with but you can't control how I feel about someone"...& that's the truth, our feelings our are own, no one else's, not even our spouses...we can't control how we feel about anyone, we can only control our actions. The day it was over, it was over.

 

My family meant more but that all of a sudden didn't demonize my OM, it was my choice the things I did with him...I hurt him & I feel bad about it, just as I felt bad about hurting my H...that's why you hear "no one wins in A" bc everyone gets hurt, including the AP...which is why the OP made this thread, she was curious to know if her MM is hurt & if he wasn't a serial cheater, he probably was, ending an A is a break up, wether a BS likes it or not.

 

Meaning more should have e prevented you from getting to that point....

 

The way it reads most times in this section is you just woke up in love with another man. Doesn't happen that way and betrayal happens long before feelings are involved.

 

My contention with you is you're attempting to convince us other readers that you have a fabulous marriage in part because you had an affair. That you can speak and think highly of someone who helped you damage your family, yet that can coexist with loving your husband. You mention often that caring for your affair partner doesn't impact your marriage...That says to me you lack empathy. It's no different than claiming to end an affair then seeing your AP on a regular basis.

 

If you truly had a great marriage, after all this time you should have moved to indifference towards the AP. You're not, your holding on to the idea that it was some great love story....The two ideas are simply incompatible. Sadly I don't think you truly grasp that.

[freengreen]

I'm going by one of your own post on anther thread....so i just meant,

 

One can care for someone in their past, whether it was a wrong or right relationship. Doesn't mean it runs someone's life or you have to have contact with them...usually most people have loved someone other than their spouse & deep down still care for that person, doesn't mean it's a daily thing...of course unless in as this case, it's a new break up. Of course if the A is newly over, both AP are feeling it.

 

My teenager said something to me that pertains to this post. "Mom, you can control who i go out with but you can't control how I feel about someone"...& that's the truth, our feelings our are own, no one else's, not even our spouses...we can't control how we feel about anyone, we can only control our actions. The day it was over, it was over.

 

My family meant more but that all of a sudden didn't demonize my OM, it was my choice the things I did with him...I hurt him & I feel bad about it, just as I felt bad about hurting my H...that's why you hear "no one wins in A" bc everyone gets hurt, including the AP...which is why the OP made this thread, she was curious to know if her MM is hurt & if he wasn't a serial cheater, he probably was, ending an A is a break up, wether a BS likes it or not.

Hm perspective. Well mine never cared much about me, he just let it flow until it flows. He had material perks from me and I suspect that is all he aimed and more ( sex)if he could pull it. It never got there. He did say " i will miss you, please stay if you can".. but his actions never met what he said.

 

It makes it tough when OMs care and it makes it tough when they dont. Whatever it is, I decided to play fair with my husband. My decision.

[Taxed]

Concerning compartmentalization - during one of our last conversations my XMM told me that he could keep us, his wife and me, separate. The space that I occupied, was in the here and now, when we were together.

 

The problems for him began, when he started to feel conflicted and divided in his feelings and pulled in two opposite directions. A choice had to be made and I got the short end of the stick. His ability to compartmentalize definetly helps him a lot "moving on". So, he can re-direct his focus towards other things and block me that way whereas I struggle and obsess over him in my mind.

[freengreen]

Taxed,

 

What you said is right, some people just move on. No strings attached. They are at an advantage.

 

I was speaking to one of my friend on the EA I had and how the pain wont go. She replied with " lot of my friends find themselves in these situation at offices but things happen, you have to move forward to suceed in your career. You cannot pull yourself down on these things"... I mean, people are actually pulling themselves up from multiple As and going back in. It isnt gender, it is the ability to move on without a scar.

 

I aint one of them clearly. We will get there Taxed, hopefully sooner.

[Overtaxed]

Well.... I am positive my "MM" shed no tears for me, and I certainly didn't shed any for him.

 

But I have a long history of compartmentalizing with the best of them. "Like a man" I place things in their little boxes. I actually asked him if he could keep emotions separate from sex before I agreed to go down that road.

 

We shared sex, not love. We shared ego stroking, not a deep care for each other.

 

I didn't love him, I loved the way he made me feel about myself. And the same was true for him. Any tenderness we shared was simply gratitude for the ego boost and a fresh perspective of our selves that we provided for each other.

 

Sure, perhaps he was an extreme outlier - but as a "chick" who has a lot of male friends, and is often privy to their locker room talk - I don't think he was very unusual.

 

I think, in fact, he was typical of almost all men you'll meet today, tomorrow and the day after. Look, I'm a man; and I probably have some "unique" views on love and sexuality that are just "mine", but, I talk to a lot of other men on a day to day basis. Almost all of them would take the deal you offered. And no, they wouldn't fall in love with you (or anyone else). It's just sex to them. And they are seeking it from you for a myriad of reasons; not getting it at home, not getting it at all, not getting the kind of sex they want, etc, etc. But none of the items on most male lists have anything to do with "love", they are almost always about sex.

 

Speaking for myself, it took a very long time in a committed/married relationship before love/sex became intertwined into one thing. And, even now, sometimes sex is just sex; it is the way I show love, yes, but it's also an activity that I enjoy for it's own sake. I can honestly say, I can count on one hand the number of men I know who really "intertwine" love and sex into one thing and wouldn't have one without the other.

 

WW's, please, wake up to the reality here. You might feel love, he might say love, and for some very small percentage of these relationships, maybe there really is love there. The vast majority of them aren't that way; and I don't ever need to be a WH to know that. I've been a single man, and that was always the case with me personally. And I've talked to enough straying men to know; it's not love that gets them with another woman, it's sex.

[Taxed]

I think, in fact, he was typical of almost all men you'll meet today, tomorrow and the day after. Look, I'm a man; and I probably have some "unique" views on love and sexuality that are just "mine", but, I talk to a lot of other men on a day to day basis. Almost all of them would take the deal you offered. And no, they wouldn't fall in love with you (or anyone else). It's just sex to them. And they are seeking it from you for a myriad of reasons; not getting it at home, not getting it at all, not getting the kind of sex they want, etc, etc. But none of the items on most male lists have anything to do with "love", they are almost always about sex.

 

Speaking for myself, it took a very long time in a committed/married relationship before love/sex became intertwined into one thing. And, even now, sometimes sex is just sex; it is the way I show love, yes, but it's also an activity that I enjoy for it's own sake. I can honestly say, I can count on one hand the number of men I know who really "intertwine" love and sex into one thing and wouldn't have one without the other.

 

WW's, please, wake up to the reality here. You might feel love, he might say love, and for some very small percentage of these relationships, maybe there really is love there. The vast majority of them aren't that way; and I don't ever need to be a WH to know that. I've been a single man, and that was always the case with me personally. And I've talked to enough straying men to know; it's not love that gets them with another woman, it's sex.

 

This might be triggering for some, but:

 

For him as well me it was a mixture of curiosity and a very strong physical attraction, no lovey dovey - at least in the beginning. I have to say, he never said anything along the lines of "My wife does not understand me", "we sleep in separate rooms" etc. They were having a healthy and normal sex life, according to him. I thought it would be just the sex - then we found out, that we really liked eachother so sex became entwined with a lot of affection. And then, a lot of suffering. ETA: Heed the warning that even if you might think, "ah, I am in perfect control of my feelings and emotions and we are just having fun", in the end the dynamics of being in an A might get the better of you.

Edited February 10, 2017 by Taxed

[Whoknew30]

Meaning more should have e prevented you from getting to that point....

 

The way it reads most times in this section is you just woke up in love with another man. Doesn't happen that way and betrayal happens long before feelings are involved.

 

My contention with you is you're attempting to convince us other readers that you have a fabulous marriage in part because you had an affair. That you can speak and think highly of someone who helped you damage your family, yet that can coexist with loving your husband. You mention often that caring for your affair partner doesn't impact your marriage...That says to me you lack empathy. It's no different than claiming to end an affair then seeing your AP on a regular basis.

 

If you truly had a great marriage, after all this time you should have moved to indifference towards the AP. You're not, your holding on to the idea that it was some great love story....The two ideas are simply incompatible. Sadly I don't think you truly grasp that.

 

No, I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything...who said "great love story"?

 

It was two people that fell in love that were compatible & still care for each other from a very far distance. I'm not the first nor the last in life that this has happened to.

 

Honestly going through an A wether the WS, single AP & or BS, most learn that they don't know everything nor pretend to...one can't speak what they "absolutely know for sure"...example, men don't feel a "certain" way bc unless one has spoken to every single man in the world, one can't say know. One can only give advice on the majority of personal experiences they've had & for each that can be completely different, as we've all had very different personal experiences.

 

I believe one can care for someone that they don't have contact with...lack of empathy IMO would me not understanding i hurt more than one man bc of my actions & had to face both men knowing that. Ultimately I chose my H bc I felt I owed my marriage one more chance & it has worked out & I am happy & dont regret it...my lack of being with a multiple men or even dating is the reason I had an A with a man that I could have seen myself with in life...I'm not the type that can just have meaningless sex...was it wrong, of course but it wasn't a situation of the OM just wanting sex, we barely had sex. OM was good to me & cared, I can't lie about that.

 

There's many WS that don't hate or have discord for their AP & have ended it without a dday & in my personal experience, I've met many. Doesn't mean they ponder about that person everyday but sometimes yes there will be a soft spot deep down.

 

That was OP question & you seem to be saying that it can't be true & im telling her from my personal experience of living it & speaking to many men, that it can be true.

[Midlifecrisis1]

No, I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything...who said "great love story"?

 

It was two people that fell in love that were compatible & still care for each other from a very far distance. I'm not the first nor the last in life that this has happened to.

 

Honestly going through an A wether the WS, single AP & or BS, most learn that they don't know everything nor pretend to...one can't speak what they "absolutely know for sure"...example, men don't feel a "certain" way bc unless one has spoken to every single man in the world, one can't say know. One can only give advice on the majority of personal experiences they've had & for each that can be completely different, as we've all had very different personal experiences.

 

I believe one can care for someone that they don't have contact with...lack of empathy IMO would me not understanding i hurt more than one man bc of my actions & had to face both men knowing that. Ultimately I chose my H bc I felt I owed my marriage one more chance & it has worked out & I am happy & dont regret it...my lack of being with a multiple men or even dating is the reason I had an A with a man that I could have seen myself with in life...I'm not the type that can just have meaningless sex...was it wrong, of course but it wasn't a situation of the OM just wanting sex, we barely had sex. OM was good to me & cared, I can't lie about that.

 

There's many WS that don't hate or have discord for their AP & have ended it without a dday & in my personal experience, I've met many. Doesn't mean they ponder about that person everyday but sometimes yes there will be a soft spot deep down.

 

That was OP question & you seem to be saying that it can't be true & im telling her from my personal experience of living it & speaking to many men, that it can be true.

 

 

This is exactly, EXACTLY the way I feel. There was no d-day, no argument that led to the end of our affair. Just an agreed on feeling that it was wrong, guilt and anxiety building. We smile and wave when we pass each other. I definitely have a soft spot for him since he was so sweet, caring, affectionate to me. And I do ponder about him every day. All this after experiencing the worst withdrawal pain I've ever experienced from a breakup. I do know that I am where I want to be now. Making things better with my husband and they really are much better. I am actually pretty happy, very content. And no, I do not want to be with ex AP at all...but I do still feel a fondness for him.

[lftbehind]

I think, in fact, he was typical of almost all men you'll meet today, tomorrow and the day after. Look, I'm a man; and I probably have some "unique" views on love and sexuality that are just "mine", but, I talk to a lot of other men on a day to day basis. Almost all of them would take the deal you offered. And no, they wouldn't fall in love with you (or anyone else). It's just sex to them. And they are seeking it from you for a myriad of reasons; not getting it at home, not getting it at all, not getting the kind of sex they want, etc, etc. But none of the items on most male lists have anything to do with "love", they are almost always about sex.

 

Speaking for myself, it took a very long time in a committed/married relationship before love/sex became intertwined into one thing. And, even now, sometimes sex is just sex; it is the way I show love, yes, but it's also an activity that I enjoy for it's own sake. I can honestly say, I can count on one hand the number of men I know who really "intertwine" love and sex into one thing and wouldn't have one without the other.

 

WW's, please, wake up to the reality here. You might feel love, he might say love, and for some very small percentage of these relationships, maybe there really is love there. The vast majority of them aren't that way; and I don't ever need to be a WH to know that. I've been a single man, and that was always the case with me personally. And I've talked to enough straying men to know; it's not love that gets them with another woman, it's sex.

 

So are you saying that for MM and single men, mostly what they are looking for from a woman is sex and a lot of the time they don't even have any feelings for them? It just sounds like they are using women and that's depressing and a too bad. I would think that most men know that women have to have some kind of feelings for a man to want to have sex with him. I guess that they don't care about the woman's feelings, just so they get sex from them.

[Whoknew30]

This is exactly, EXACTLY the way I feel. There was no d-day, no argument that led to the end of our affair. Just an agreed on feeling that it was wrong, guilt and anxiety building. We smile and wave when we pass each other. I definitely have a soft spot for him since he was so sweet, caring, affectionate to me. And I do ponder about him every day. All this after experiencing the worst withdrawal pain I've ever experienced from a breakup. I do know that I am where I want to be now. Making things better with my husband and they really are much better. I am actually pretty happy, very content. And no, I do not want to be with ex AP at all...but I do still feel a fondness for him.

 

^ I think this & what I have gone through is more the "normal" (going by my experiences) than reading all this "WS is disgusted" by their AP that as heard from BS...most people don't have long term A that their disgusted with or never cared for st one point...

[Furious]

It's been almost 2.5 years since my affair ended. I am still so hurt and don't want to move on with my life. I know that sounds pathetic, but no one interests me at all. I don't have the time to go into any real detail. Just wondering if men who have cheated/had affair have had it affect them this far down the road. Do they just move on to another woman? I hope this doesn't sound sexist, please forgive me if so. Any personal experiences/insight would be greatly appreciated. I want more than anything to write to him, but I figure he would have reached out if he wanted to. Most of the time, in our affair, it was me pursuing him. I feel like the biggest fool... all around.

 

Thanks all.

 

 

In some cultures it's an accepted ideology that men have mistresses as long as it is discreet and not threaten the nuclear family. Men from a culture such as this may feel sad or pine over the loss of another woman but it's not enough to divorce over it. More often than not in these cultures it's not uncommon that married man will have many affairs throughout his lifetime.

 

The irony is that in such cultures an unfaithful man will not tolerate an unfaithful wife so in a sense there is a segment of men who suffer less than the affair partner when it ends.

[Overtaxed]

So are you saying that for MM and single men, mostly what they are looking for from a woman is sex and a lot of the time they don't even have any feelings for them? It just sounds like they are using women and that's depressing and a too bad. I would think that most men know that women have to have some kind of feelings for a man to want to have sex with him. I guess that they don't care about the woman's feelings, just so they get sex from them.

 

Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. Is it "all men"? Absolutely not. But it is a "lot" of men, perhaps "most". I can speak to this with some authority because, I was that man when I was younger. I didn't care at all for the emotional attachment and was truly out for the sexual fulfillment. It didn't take "love" to get my sexually satisfied, and, because of that, the 2 were not very often intertwined in my mind.

 

I've slept with quite a few women; I've been in love with 2. Without making myself look bad, let's just say the sex/love ratio is pretty poor. And for men who are already married and sleeping with someone on the side? The VAST majority of them are looking for sex not emotional connection. The numbers, I suspect, are so slanted that, as a woman, if a married man approached me and started to talk to me in an emotional/intimate manner, you might as well just assume he's there for sex. Because 99% of the time, you'll be right.

[lftbehind]

Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. Is it "all men"? Absolutely not. But it is a "lot" of men, perhaps "most". I can speak to this with some authority because, I was that man when I was younger. I didn't care at all for the emotional attachment and was truly out for the sexual fulfillment. It didn't take "love" to get my sexually satisfied, and, because of that, the 2 were not very often intertwined in my mind.

 

I've slept with quite a few women; I've been in love with 2. Without making myself look bad, let's just say the sex/love ratio is pretty poor. And for men who are already married and sleeping with someone on the side? The VAST majority of them are looking for sex not emotional connection. The numbers, I suspect, are so slanted that, as a woman, if a married man approached me and started to talk to me in an emotional/intimate manner, you might as well just assume he's there for sex. Because 99% of the time, you'll be right.

 

That is very sad and depressing to me. Maybe it would be a good idea to give up on men altogether.

[FoundMyStrength]

Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. Is it "all men"? Absolutely not. But it is a "lot" of men, perhaps "most". I can speak to this with some authority because, I was that man when I was younger. I didn't care at all for the emotional attachment and was truly out for the sexual fulfillment. It didn't take "love" to get my sexually satisfied, and, because of that, the 2 were not very often intertwined in my mind.

 

I've slept with quite a few women; I've been in love with 2. Without making myself look bad, let's just say the sex/love ratio is pretty poor. And for men who are already married and sleeping with someone on the side? The VAST majority of them are looking for sex not emotional connection. The numbers, I suspect, are so slanted that, as a woman, if a married man approached me and started to talk to me in an emotional/intimate manner, you might as well just assume he's there for sex. Because 99% of the time, you'll be right.

 

I dunno. Of course, most men are sex-oriented and that's the driving focus of approaching a woman. But even if that's the initial drive, it seems like a good number of the men who engage in affairs "catch feelings" for the woman over time.

 

And I think there are also cases like my xMM, who I believe genuinely did not anticipate meeting me or falling in love with me. When we said goodbye as he headed back to his hometown, he looked like a man shattered. Someone who didn't anticipate meeting someone he'd fall in love with, and certainly didn't anticipate that he'd need to lose that person forever in order to return home and be back with his wife. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I find it hard to believe he's such a great actor he'd be able to fake that level of emotional grief.

[SeenNotHeard]

Each person is different and processes life experiences differently. Yes, IMO there are glaring differences between the sexes when it comes to feelings and sex. I believe the emotional connection even if not sought sometimes develops even when this intention is not part of the initial equation, especially on the part of the MM. Many talk about ego strokes and it is a key part, but there is a connection good or bad that often unwillingly forms. Heck I went into my affair strictly looking for sex and I am female but other variables eventually came into play. To generalize, often minimalizes our unique experiences. JMHO.

[freengreen]

I totally agree with : Every single second in a A is wrong and unethical.

 

Yes, there are people who are genuine caught in wrong story, then realise that they are already a part of one story and cant be in another. Immense guilt and sadness creeps in and they feel ashamed of themselves. They end it all for the sake of values they once had.

 

Some are this way.

[Overtaxed]

I dunno. Of course, most men are sex-oriented and that's the driving focus of approaching a woman. But even if that's the initial drive, it seems like a good number of the men who engage in affairs "catch feelings" for the woman over time.

 

And I think there are also cases like my xMM, who I believe genuinely did not anticipate meeting me or falling in love with me. When we said goodbye as he headed back to his hometown, he looked like a man shattered. Someone who didn't anticipate meeting someone he'd fall in love with, and certainly didn't anticipate that he'd need to lose that person forever in order to return home and be back with his wife. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I find it hard to believe he's such a great actor he'd be able to fake that level of emotional grief.

 

Oh, I'm sure there are some. If you'd like to test your AP, just tell him "No more sex/physical stuff until you leave your wife". Most men will pull up stakes and move on to the next one before the dinner check comes. It sounds like your situation was different, and, yes, there are certainly those out there as well. But I have a large group of male friends and, because of the industry I'm in (high paying) a lot of them engage in affairs pretty regularly. NONE of them ever talk to me about "missing" an AP. They talk about the sex, and they miss certain things the AP did with them (sexual things). But they never say "she was an amazing person". Most men look at women who have affairs as "broken/dirty/damaged"; good for some fun in the bedroom, but without character and therefore, not worthy/deserving of their love. If you remember back to high school, think to the "easy girl" who was sleeping around. Guys all talked to her, because they thought they might "get some". But they also all talked about her, because they knew she wasn't relationship material or worthy of real love. In my experience, that's how most men view their AP's.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, and, having never been in an affair, I can't say this from personal experience. But I talk to and work with a lot of men, and I can tell you what I'm relating is near universal when talking about "their sidepieces". As I said earlier in this thread, if women knew how their AP's were talking about them, in 90%+ of the cases out there, they would NEVER consider doing it. And I know it's confusing, they are professing their undying love for you and then going to the bar with me and talking about your sexual prowess and how nice your chest is. I get it, you don't see that side of men. I do, and I hope others will heed my words; get into an affair with a MM at your own peril! If you don't, you need to be totally prepared that you'll be the butt of the joke at the bar tomorrow night when he's sitting around with me and the rest of his buddies.