Did he ghost me or did something bad happen? Or is phone just not working!

[Aesc]

He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He doesn't know that I would be ok with this.

 

He implied we might be able to discuss this more on phone or probably in person when he's not working (but wasn't clear if that is tomorrow because I didn't respond yet to find out). Now I'm just holding off a while on responding.

 

Winny---It's #2. He doesn't seem capable to juggling his stupid schedule and dating. It's overwhelming him. I think this is part of why I am at least willing to see what he has to say, and if he is willing to meet in person and talk, because most guys absolutely don't want to do that.

Do you ever feel like you are getting a lot of lousy advice here? Because you are. Why do all these people want you to kick his ass and cut him loose? Wrong attitude to take. It's your life, your relationship, don't let these other people tell you how to run your life or ruin what possibly could end up being a very good relationship. If it ends, it ends, but at least give it a chance.

[introverted1]

he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He doesn't know that I would be ok with this.

 

Translation:

 

He's asking for permission to treat you badly, and, once you give it, you can expect many more times of him being unresponsive.

 

His response is designed to flip the script so that you reassure him that you have no expectations that he will behave like anything more than a FWB. Possibly minus the F.

[Lorenza]

Proceed at your own peril, OP.

 

I started making threads about my ex about a year ago - complaining about his busy schedule, inability to text me for days, excuses, lack of investment... Each time he'd ghost me, I listened and believed in his excuses like the holy bible, ignored wise inputs on this forum and dragged out my own misery for a year, tolerated being treated like trash.

 

Now I'm a big believer in "one strike you're out" policy applied to relationships. This should be your guy's one strike.

 

How many of us will fall for the "too busy" excuse? When you want someone badly, a busy schedule is just an inconvenience, not an obstacle.

[anna121]

OP - I absolutely agree that you should be on the lookout for "lousy advice".

 

[No_Go]

Indeed! Everybody can take a second to text, even if he was a brain surgeon or something.

 

There is one truth - he's losing interest (very common at 2-3 months), he's not yet sure does he wait to drop OP, so he's just slowing down contact aka the 'slow fade'.

 

In early stages of dating 'being busy' = 'being not interested enough'. Pretty much no exceptions, only 'exceptions' are when things reverse (e.g. he was more interested in someone else and the other person dropped, so he reversed his interest)

 

What kind of important man is he that he cannot contact you for 4-5 days? Even your President Elect has time to tweet 100 a day!! Wouldn't you think he's got more on his plate than your boyfriend?

[bulldog9]

Winny---We did pretty much have this talk previously, last week, it is about him being busy. He was trying to see me even earlier last week and I said I couldn't, and he kept saying he was sorry for not having as much time as he'd like and he was trying to figure out a way to alter his schedule so we could spend more time together. He can't change when he teaches, so unless his bartending job gets extra help he can't take any additional time off there, though he wanted to go away with me next week for a long weekend and said he will ask. I think this just all go to the point where he was worn out from trying to make it work.

 

Gaeta--- You are totally right... and he did apologize, and if he does make the time to meet to talk about this, it's better than what I can say of other people that break-up. And see my response to Minny right above for that last part...

 

Lana banana--- He can't seem to balance his schedule, period.

 

ExpatinItaly---Yes, agreed. He did, but there's no real way to do that unless he quits his jobs. Even though it wasn't ideal, I was totally ok with how things were, thought I think he thought I wasn't. Of course I want more time, but I can't tell him to just stop working. I also work crazy hours myself, that doesn't help.

 

Gaeta--- similar to this guy. The bartending job is the real problem job because he finishes so late, commuting an hour at 1 or 2 in the morning to come over and then I have to wake up super early doesn't work. He said from beginning he doesn't want nor have time for a booty call/just sex relationship, thats why we never really did the only-see-each-other-for-a-sleepover-thing, we always spend more time than that together when we see each other, and do stuff before we get in bed.

 

Anna121---His life really sucks, actually, I won't go into it on here, but he is definitely struggling. I''m also a few years older than him, this is 1st time I ever dated someone younger and I can definitely see the difference how he handles these things vs. an older guy. I'm technically not a cougar though, haha!

 

Aesc----Yes! While I am super upset about what is happening, I think the majority of women have at some point in their dating lives always given someone another chance or gotten back together with an ex that has done FAR WORSE things than this, everyone is acting like this is the worst man ever. If I ditched every guy that's ever disappeared for a few days or had a work struggle, I don't think there would be many guys left to date.

 

Introverted1--- he told me my expectations were totally legitimate, and he is also not looking for FWB.

 

Lorenza--- I'm sorry you went through that, and for so long. As for one strike, it would depend on what happened and what the strike is, but I would give someone a little more of a chance than that, 2 strikes. The 'too busy' excuse with guys that work 1 job I never buy. I am giving this guy the benefit of the doubt because he legit works 3 jobs and has athletic training 2-3hrs a day, so even without me in the picture he still has no time to do anything.

 

Anna121- Haha, yes!

[Gaeta]

If I ditched every guy that's ever disappeared for a few days

 

If you had you would have wasted less time on the wrong men, should I remind you none of them swept you off of your feet and made you theirs. Right now you probably would be in a rewarding fulfilling relationship if you had dated with a goal.

 

That's alright we all need to learn our lesson.

 

When I first got on here 3 years ago I had to have good old common sens beaten into me by my fellow members. It took a while and finally the morning I decided to not deal with s$it any longer I met my bf.

[introverted1]

I think the majority of women have at some point in their dating lives always given someone another chance or gotten back together with an ex that has done FAR WORSE things than this, everyone is acting like this is the worst man ever. If I ditched every guy that's ever disappeared for a few days or had a work struggle, I don't think there would be many guys left to date.

 

OP, no man will ever value you more than you value yourself.

 

I hope that one day you will learn not to accept crumbs from the men you date.

[hippychick3]

Winny---We did pretty much have this talk previously, last week, it is about him being busy. He was trying to see me even earlier last week and I said I couldn't, and he kept saying he was sorry for not having as much time as he'd like and he was trying to figure out a way to alter his schedule so we could spend more time together. He can't change when he teaches, so unless his bartending job gets extra help he can't take any additional time off there, though he wanted to go away with me next week for a long weekend and said he will ask. I think this just all go to the point where he was worn out from trying to make it work.

 

Gaeta--- You are totally right... and he did apologize, and if he does make the time to meet to talk about this, it's better than what I can say of other people that break-up. And see my response to Minny right above for that last part...

 

Lana banana--- He can't seem to balance his schedule, period.

 

ExpatinItaly---Yes, agreed. He did, but there's no real way to do that unless he quits his jobs. Even though it wasn't ideal, I was totally ok with how things were, thought I think he thought I wasn't. Of course I want more time, but I can't tell him to just stop working. I also work crazy hours myself, that doesn't help.

 

Gaeta--- similar to this guy. The bartending job is the real problem job because he finishes so late, commuting an hour at 1 or 2 in the morning to come over and then I have to wake up super early doesn't work. He said from beginning he doesn't want nor have time for a booty call/just sex relationship, thats why we never really did the only-see-each-other-for-a-sleepover-thing, we always spend more time than that together when we see each other, and do stuff before we get in bed.

 

Anna121---His life really sucks, actually, I won't go into it on here, but he is definitely struggling. I''m also a few years older than him, this is 1st time I ever dated someone younger and I can definitely see the difference how he handles these things vs. an older guy. I'm technically not a cougar though, haha!

 

Aesc----Yes! While I am super upset about what is happening, I think the majority of women have at some point in their dating lives always given someone another chance or gotten back together with an ex that has done FAR WORSE things than this, everyone is acting like this is the worst man ever. If I ditched every guy that's ever disappeared for a few days or had a work struggle, I don't think there would be many guys left to date.

Introverted1--- he told me my expectations were totally legitimate, and he is also not looking for FWB.

 

Lorenza--- I'm sorry you went through that, and for so long. As for one strike, it would depend on what happened and what the strike is, but I would give someone a little more of a chance than that, 2 strikes. The 'too busy' excuse with guys that work 1 job I never buy. I am giving this guy the benefit of the doubt because he legit works 3 jobs and has athletic training 2-3hrs a day, so even without me in the picture he still has no time to do anything.

 

Anna121- Haha, yes!

 

The fact that other women accept worse behavior than your guy doesn't make his behavior acceptable. I can guarantee you that an emotionally secure woman with a decent amount of self-esteem and actual standards would NOT accept worse behavior than your guy. I will tell you this, if a guy I was dating disappeared for 3-4 days with no explanation WHILE IGNORING MY MULTIPLE CALLS AND TEXTS, I would ditch him by day 2.

 

OP, you are excusing his behavior and therefore it will continue to get worse. He's either not into you at all or not a good guy.

[winny]

 

 

Aesc----Yes! While I am super upset about what is happening, I think the majority of women have at some point in their dating lives always given someone another chance or gotten back together with an ex that has done FAR WORSE things than this, everyone is acting like this is the worst man ever. If I ditched every guy that's ever disappeared for a few days or had a work struggle, I don't think there would be many guys left to date.

 

 

 

OP - I am much younger than you, but I am sorry to say that this is the worst reason I have ever heard from any women here on LS on why they are putting up with crumbs. I am very disappointed that you think just because someone only tried to rape me and did not actually rape me, he is a better guy.... I am speechless and I am not going to waste my time here anymore trying to help when you don't want to be helped. I wish you all the best.

[bulldog9]

Alright, I guess no one has ever gotten back together with an ex. Come on. I don't know of any women I have ever met that don't do the back and forth, together one day, broken up the next, thing. It's pretty inconsistent. I haven't had one of those relationships like that in ages, but just saying, and not excusing what my guy did, but guys do plenty of things (cheating, always arguing, etc) that are way worse than what this guy did.

 

Winny--- That's not a fair statement whatsoever.

[Dis]

OP - I am much younger than you, but I am sorry to say that this is the worst reason I have ever heard from any women here on LS on why they are putting up with crumbs. I am very disappointed that you think just because someone only tried to rape me and did not actually rape me, he is a better guy.... I am speechless and I am not going to waste my time here anymore trying to help when you don't want to be helped. I wish you all the best.

 

I agree with winny

 

I'm 10 years younger than you bull and like hippychick said, I wouldve also been done after 2 days of being ignored

 

Gaeta is right. If you had stopped putting up with bs from men a long time ago, theres a good chance you'd be in a happy/healthy relationship now

 

Judging from how little you value yourself and the blind eye you turn to his unacceptable behavior, I'm not surpised you're still struggling with men at your current age

 

Its not too late though. Listen to what we're telling you and apply that knowledge. Value yourself, no man will do that for you

 

I dont know what else I can do I hope one day you'll get the message we're trying to send you

[Dis]

Alright, I guess no one has ever gotten back together with an ex. Come on. I don't know of any women I have ever met that don't do the back and forth, together one day, broken up the next, thing. It's pretty inconsistent. I haven't had one of those relationships like that in ages, but just saying, and not excusing what my guy did, but guys do plenty of things (cheating, always arguing, etc) that are way worse than what this guy did.

 

Winny--- That's not a fair statement whatsoever.

 

Well, here's 1 woman who's valued herself more than to get back with an ex who didnt measure up!

 

I guarantee you I'm not the only one

[Gaeta]

Alright, I guess no one has ever gotten back together with an ex. Come on. I don't know of any women I have ever met that don't do the back and forth, together one day, broken up the next, thing. It's pretty inconsistent. I haven't had one of those relationships like that in ages, but just saying, and not excusing what my guy did, but guys do plenty of things (cheating, always arguing, etc) that are way worse than what this guy did.

 

Winny--- That's not a fair statement whatsoever.

 

You are talking about taking this guy back while he told you in his last communication he does not want you. He'll be offering you a fwb position at best. But honestly I think he was with someone else this weekend. The only reason he replied to your last text was because you sounded alarmed and he didn't want you go knocking at his door.

 

If you are 40 + looking for a stable relationship you should not put your money on a younger horse, hot, bartender.

[hippychick3]

Alright, I guess no one has ever gotten back together with an ex. Come on. I don't know of any women I have ever met that don't do the back and forth, together one day, broken up the next, thing. It's pretty inconsistent. I haven't had one of those relationships like that in ages, but just saying, and not excusing what my guy did, but guys do plenty of things (cheating, always arguing, etc) that are way worse than what this guy did.

 

Winny--- That's not a fair statement whatsoever.

 

You are a grown woman...please. The back and forth you described is not normal or healthy AT ALL. Who are these women you socialize with? Why on earth would you voluntarily invite that into your life?? I have only once gotten back together with an ex (not back and forth, just once), and that didn't work out just as 99.9% of other people who get back with their ex's.

 

As long as your standards are this low, none of the men you meet will ever treat you better than this. When a woman has higher standards, she automatically invites better quality men into her life. You are setting yourself up to only invite dirtbags into your life.

[Aesc]

Alright, I guess no one has ever gotten back together with an ex. Come on. I don't know of any women I have ever met that don't do the back and forth, together one day, broken up the next, thing. It's pretty inconsistent. I haven't had one of those relationships like that in ages, but just saying, and not excusing what my guy did, but guys do plenty of things (cheating, always arguing, etc) that are way worse than what this guy did.

I feel that a lot of the advice you have been receiving is just a bit premature. Why is it so many of the gals here are out for blood, eager to kick him to the curb? Cut off his balls, get the noose ready, draw and quarter him. . . .

This knowing or not knowing about the status of your relationship won't last very long, whatever is happening will become plainly obvious in a very short amount of time.

Yeah, it sucks and even hurts not knowing what is going to happen. Apparently though you have high hopes, if that is the case, then hold on to your hopes. Don't let anybody rob you of them, not even him!

[Homer J]

As a guy, that's BS. It takes 30 seconds to send a text. He is not that busy. Either something happened that has him scared of further commitment, or he met someone else (possible coworker?).

[Dis]

I feel that a lot of the advice you have been receiving is just a bit premature. Why is it so many of the gals here are out for blood, eager to kick him to the curb? Cut off his balls, get the noose ready, draw and quarter him. . . .

 

This is the last thing the OP needs to hear

 

However, as unfortunate as it is, she'll probably grab onto this horrible piece of advice and run with it

[Aesc]

People do get scared, especially those who've already been through a difficult marriage/divorce. They had a brief spat, a few words were spoken, words that were powerful enough to give reason to pause and maybe even reevaluate.

Maybe the guy is afraid of her and has reconsidered.

 

I would think too that working at a bar would afford him plenty of opportunities to meet quite a number of different and available women.

[Aesc]

This is the last thing the OP needs to hear

 

However, as unfortunate as it is, she'll probably grab onto this horrible piece of advice and run with it

 

Time will tell.

[Dis]

People do get scared, especially those who've already been through a difficult marriage/divorce. They had a brief spat, a few words were spoken, words that were powerful enough to give reason to pause and maybe even reevaluate.

Maybe the guy is afraid of her and has reconsidered.

 

I would think too that working at a bar would afford him plenty of opportunities to meet quite a number of different and available women.

 

A guy (or woman) that is 'scared' of commitment and has lots of new potential candidates at his finger tips is not relationship material...fwb at best

[CaliforniaGirl]

If you had you would have wasted less time on the wrong men, should I remind you none of them swept you off of your feet and made you theirs. Right now you probably would be in a rewarding fulfilling relationship if you had dated with a goal.

 

That's alright we all need to learn our lesson.

 

When I first got on here 3 years ago I had to have good old common sens beaten into me by my fellow members. It took a while and finally the morning I decided to not deal with s$it any longer I met my bf.

 

Yup! I ditched every guy who disappeared for a few days. I have now been married 14 years. Yeah, I'm a sample size of one but the "if you ditched every guy to the curb that disappeared..." advice isn't necessarily any more accurate than the opposite advice which is suddenly being considered pure carp, apparently.

 

The OP is not comfortable with this situation and the level of attention (or lack of attention) she's receiving. It is her decision and it is she that is uncomfortable and does not like the direction things are going. That's not on us. It's on her. If she wanted to keep going forward with this guy, she would, and any and all advice be damned. In fact we have a thread right this very minute where the OP has pronounced the ONE bit of incredibly far-reaching, Hollywood ending advice "spot on" and literally disregarded, I don't know, a dozen messages to the opposite? Two dozen? Yeah. That's how such forums work, really. They're as much sounding boards and the OP working things out for him/herself, and picking and choosing what advice s/he wants to follow, as they are about actually delivering new ideas.

 

Don't anybody fear the OP is making this decision based on us. If you look back on the thread, you'll see that even when people DID say "hang in there/give him a chance" it was the OP who contradicted them.

So let's not clutch our pearls too tightly in fear and horror of all the terrible terrible advice leading the helpless OP astray, folks, mmkay? She's good.

[CaliforniaGirl]

People do get scared, especially those who've already been through a difficult marriage/divorce. They had a brief spat, a few words were spoken, words that were powerful enough to give reason to pause and maybe even reevaluate.

Maybe the guy is afraid of her and has reconsidered.

 

I would think too that working at a bar would afford him plenty of opportunities to meet quite a number of different and available women.

 

I don't even understand what this thing is about the "spat." The OP described...well, nothing that sounded like a spat. At all. Or even a disagreement. Unless I missed something.

 

I saw that more as her reaching for a reason/excuse. That was ALL she could come up with and it was incredibly far-reaching to begin with and she even cleared with this guy that it was all good and he wasn't upset, and had no reason to be.

 

So...I'm not buying the "he's afraid because they fought" angle. It makes no sense.

 

ETA: Wait...it was the OP who said the "if you ditched every guy..." thing? OP...you are confused. You have been arguing for leaving this guy, now you're arguing the opposite. I guess never mind...but OTOH, this is indeed proof that people will do what they want to do, full stop, and will even argue with themselves to achieve what they ultimately know they want.

Edited January 11, 2017 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

You are a grown woman...please. The back and forth you described is not normal or healthy AT ALL. Who are these women you socialize with? Why on earth would you voluntarily invite that into your life?? I have only once gotten back together with an ex (not back and forth, just once), and that didn't work out just as 99.9% of other people who get back with their ex's.

 

As long as your standards are this low, none of the men you meet will ever treat you better than this. When a woman has higher standards, she automatically invites better quality men into her life. You are setting yourself up to only invite dirtbags into your life.

 

Honestly, I agree with this. OP, if even you don't know what you want how can you be asking us (strangers) to give you advice on what to do? At this point I feel the ONLY advice applicable is: get your head on straight first, cut the games and waffling, and THEN ask advice on how to proceed. Once again you'll simply be picking and choosing the answers you like/feel comfortable with but that's the way all this works, really.

 

But screw your head on straight first and know what the heck you want or nobody can help you...not even you.

[Homer J]

And......CG just dropped the mic.