lakerman34 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Winny--- Thank you so much for that, and the hugs and good vibes I have been bawling my eyes out all weekend. From the beginning I thought this was just a fun thing, because I know long term this isn't the guy for me. That's what I thought anyways, until recently, I just feel this intense closeness with him (so much that I put a few others guys (including a long distance ex that wants me back and is moving here shortly) on the back burner. This guy just was all I wanted, and while I feel like he isn't 'the guy', I am seeing how hard this has been on me, so he definitely means more than I thought. I'm crazy about him and I miss him so much. I really hope he is ok, and that I haven't been ghosted. My fingers are so crossed that his phone died or got lost bulldog, I can relate in many ways. The girl who ghosted me definitely wasn't wifey material, but I enjoyed her. And the sex. Holy hell, the sex. It may have been the best I ever had, if I'm being honest. I think she felt that I wasn't THAT into her, and believe it or not, some guys have that intuition too (like me). Perhaps he realized that you didn't see him as anything more than a play thing? Just figure out what you learned from this. I've learned that I'm not into "flings" anymore. Even though the sex was great, as soon as she leaves the next morning, I feel empty and alone. Generally, I don't feel this way. I keep myself occupied and love everything I do and being alone. However, for some reason, after a very passionate night, knowing that it was purely physical sort of bothered me. Just let that marinate for a bit. What can you learn about yourself from this experience? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Ghosting is cruel, especially when it comes without warning and when you did nothing wrong. After what happened with me... I am totally like I am just going to be and not seek. I am sick and tired of wondering and over analyzing and losing my peace of mind... I even didn't focus on work... all for what? There are some other varieties too - 1. Those who will fade out over a period of time 2. Those who will throw you crumbs and string you along for an occasional booty call 3. Those who will change the relationship into FWB so tactfully you won't even realize All equally hurtful... Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 bull I know I'm being tough on you but its only because keeping yourself in the dark on this matter will only hurt you more in the long run Now matter which way you slice it, its not a good sign he's still on tinder whether or not you use it to message him. Please dont burry your head in the sand on this one About the ghosting, I've been there and I know how much it hurts. You can look at it like this though...is he really such a prize if he drops off the face of the earth for days with no regard to how this is effecting you??? Is he demonstrating traits of a man who is worthy of being in a relationship with you??? Unreliable, discourteous, inconsiderate, inconsistent. Unless he has some stellar excuse for this, do you really want a guy who exhibits these character flaws??? If a guy did this to me without having an excuse such as being in a coma....I'd consider myself lucky to have seen his true colors and move on For now though, be patient with yourself and allow yourself to process all thats happening. I know its pretty shocking and confusing right now Being ghosted is like being in limbo. Its awful. Be kind to yourself and stay strong 3 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Perhaps he realized that you didn't see him as anything more than a play thing? Don't put these ideas into her mind right now.... I am sure most guys would be totally okay with that at 2 months and not ghost because of it.... Irrespective of whether you are casual with someone or not, ghosting is not acceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldog9 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 One more thing I forgot to mention, our last night together (Weds), while we were out I was taking a pic of me with something in the background and he wanted to take a bunch of selfies of us together. Again, everything that happened right before he disappeared just doesn't make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
lakerman34 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Don't put these ideas into her mind right now.... I am sure most guys would be totally okay with that at 2 months and not ghost because of it.... Irrespective of whether you are casual with someone or not, ghosting is not acceptable. Yeah, you're right. Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 One more thing I forgot to mention, our last night together (Weds), while we were out I was taking a pic of me with something in the background and he wanted to take a bunch of selfies of us together. Again, everything that happened right before he disappeared just doesn't make sense. Yeah I dunno why people do that. Sometimes I feel that they enjoy playing the part and get so much into it. Then realize oops thats not what I want and then poof... gone... ! You need to plan your next steps now. There is a huge chance he will return and give you a BIG excuse. Be sure to share it here with us before taking any actions. Let's evaluate and see how legit it is. Don't get all happy to hear from him and forget what he made you go thru by going missing... your feelings should be your first priority right now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ashy555 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Sorry to hear this Bulldog.. I know its awful. About this time last year I was ghosted after dating someone for 4 - 5 months. Turns out he met another girl on new years and they are now happily together. It really hurt. Having no closure torn me apart. I was constantly anxious for a good few months. I hope you get enough closure to move on as quick as you can. Men that do this are not respectful men and not right for us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Yeah I dunno why people do that. Sometimes I feel that they enjoy playing the part and get so much into it. Then realize oops thats not what I want and then poof... gone... ! . Yes that's it. That's why you should quietly not take it seriously whatever they are saying/doing until some time has passed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I dunno. Call me crazy! You can't know a person in two months. Seasoned psychologists claim it takes 6 months to a year to get a gist of a person's personality. Even then it could be much longer. People hide their true identity for at least the first three months upon a meeting. It's called "impression management". And you wonder why the probation period is always the minimum of three months to a year. Think about it! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I dunno. Call me crazy! You can't know a person in two months. Seasoned psychologists claim it takes 6 months to a year to get a gist of a person's personality. Even then it could be much longer. People hide their true identity for at least the first three months upon a meeting. It's called "impression management". And you wonder why the probation period is always the minimum of three months to a year. Think about it! Ha ha ha... great point!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I dunno. Call me crazy! You can't know a person in two months. Seasoned psychologists claim it takes 6 months to a year to get a gist of a person's personality. Even then it could be much longer. People hide their true identity for at least the first three months upon a meeting. It's called "impression management". And you wonder why the probation period is always the minimum of three months to a year. Think about it! Probation period? Explain please. There was one comedian who said that people "send their representative" on dates in the beginning. You're not getting the real person yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Popsicle, have you worked before? Every position I've held had a probationary period. Government service. I think McDonald's has a probation (evaluation) period as well. Women should approach dating as methodical as employers do. Employers vet potential candidates with rigor. Not every can work where they want to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Yes I have worked. There's also probation after prison too. Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Either way, it sucks because we as women expect the very best from men. Men I realize you go through very similar issues. But men can compartmentalize their thinking unlike women cannot. This is what trips us up in our emotional thinking. Sorry you're going through it... I hope you hear from him soon. If not, know that you'll be okay without him in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 After dating 2 months intensely and intimacy not looking cute should be your last worry. Go catch him when he gets to work at at the gym. He needs to know the impact of his actions. You just don't get involved with someone for 2 months than you drop off the face of the earth without a word. He needs a kick in the head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Hi OP, can you mention your age and his age? You said you are 5 years older. I think this plays a role in these incidents, very often. I spent my 20s dating younger guys, should have known better... they all ended up leaving or showing fear of commitment. I am now 29 dating a 33 year old, and at least he knows what he wants. Yes, there are some younger guys who may go against the norm, and are able to commit. A 21 year old guy friend of mine just married his 27 year old girlfriend of two years. Good for them. I also know a 36 year old who kinda just wants to date around and has been hooking up with more girls than anyone could count, never staying in anything for too long to get committed. So there are always the odd ones out. But generally, I think, it is better to date people that are your age or older. It's just safer to assume that they are a bit more capable of vocalizing and showing what they want for themselves, from you and out of a relationship. Without being wishy-washy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I would never chase after a man. That's the worst thing you can do is force a person to talk when they don't want to talk. Don't forget about looking crazy/desperate and possibly stalkerish. He knows how to reach out to you if he wants to be involved with you. I'm a firm believer of actions speaks volumes about a person. Besides let him show you who he is. Get out of your own way. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Honestly, the odds that he is lying in a hospital bed or has no access to a phone are really slim. I'm sorry, but he has likely ghosted. I know it seems bizarre, but this happens all the time. It's happened to me and other friends of mine. It's really amazing that a person can do this after dating for so long. At this point, you need to just start accepting that it's over. I mean, think about it. Even assuming he lost his phone, there are ways he can get a hold of you. If he never wrote down your phone number or backed up his contacts, he could look on his phone bill to get it. He could go to your house. He could call you at work. (I assume he knows where you live and work?) He could reach you on Tinder, right? Where there's a will, there's a way. And honestly, don't go to his work or his house. You'll look like a psycho. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I would never chase after a man. That's the worst thing you can do is force a person to talk when they don't want to talk. Don't forget about looking crazy/desperate and possibly stalkerish. He knows how to reach out to you if he wants to be involved with you. I'm a firm believer of actions speaks volumes about a person. Besides let him show you who he is. Get out of your own way. Who cares if she looks stalkish or phycho ! at this point the relationship if over. What he is doing is cruel and he needs someone to tell him. He does not deserve any walking on egg-shell around him, he needs to be faced with the consequences of his action. This is not 3 dates, this is 2 months of intense dating. I got ghosted on by a boyfriend of 6 months. You think I just let him off the hook easily?? I let him know what a coward-no-spine loser he was and I bet he'll think twice before doing it again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldog9 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 Sorry guys, bear with me with the replies, I'm not on here much and don't know the layout, I am clicking on the right side for quick reply, I don't know how to respond to each message separately so this post might be long... Lakerman34--- I know what you're saying. And it was similar here, the physical part was amazing, probably because I don't know that I have ever been so physically attracted to someone. But it was so much more than sexual, we talked so much and just in terms of affection, there was never a second where he wasn't holding my hand or had his arms wrapped around me. And always was texting me, even if about nothing, and we just really were in sync with each other. So, I definitely feel like while the sexual part was intense, and I was the 'older woman' (my 1st time being that), he never felt like a plaything. You said think about what I have learned from this... well, I thought this guy was an exception and wasn't the type to do something like this (if he is in fact doing this intentionally), so if this guy that was all shades of not an ******* is doing this, then I think I have lost all hope Wine--- yep, same here. My problem is if I get stressed, it manifests into physical problems so this is all making me physically ill, and it's awful. And of course I can't stop trying to analyze and figure out what went wrong. I honestly can't though, we have had no fights, issues, uneasiness, nothing. Especially the last time I saw him, it was probably our most fun time ever together. Disillusionment373--- Nope, he's not a prize if this is ghosting and not something else. He definitely better have a stellar excuse, though I hope he isn't in a coma, that was actually something I did think initially because he does jujitsu 2x a day, so, it wouldn't be totally out of the question he is injured if he is fighting every day. That's another thing though, the jujitsu/fighting combined with how open and blunt he is, it shocks me that if he wanted to end things he wouldn't just do it in person or at least on text, he would want the confrontation. Ghosting doesn't seem like something he would do, I feel like he would just tell me, that's why this is all so confusing. Thanks though, trying to stay strong. Winny--- I don't know why people do that either. I don't know why he would do any of the things he did last week if he was about to end things with me. If I ever find out what happened (fingers crossed), I will definitely post here and let you guys know. IF this was due to his phone though, I would obviously give him another chance but just let him know not to do it again and how frustrating it was and let's get each other's email address or something in case something like that ever happens again! If he was in the hospital he's forgiven as well. If it's neither of those things, then yeah, I need to re-evaluate and I would probably give him hell Ashy555---I'm sorry to hear that! Ghosting after that long is not acceptable. When did you eventually find out? Popsicle--- Agreed, (though he was consistent all along in making me think he was totally smitten). Tressugar--- Definitely not. I liked what we had though and wanted to get to know so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 The guy who semi-ghosted me sounds so much like your guy. Its always the sweet charming ones who gain our trust whi do this. The other ones we would not pay attention anyways. Even now I struggle with it n have sleepless nights some days... Try to be strong. Hope you have real life friends to help u... You are not alone.. Take care,,, Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Who cares if she looks stalkish or phycho ! at this point the relationship if over. What he is doing is cruel and he needs someone to tell him. He does not deserve any walking on egg-shell around him, he needs to be faced with the consequences of his action. This is not 3 dates, this is 2 months of intense dating. I got ghosted on by a boyfriend of 6 months. You think I just let him off the hook easily?? I let him know what a coward-no-spine loser he was and I bet he'll think twice before doing it again. I agree with Gaeta. Its not looking like a psycho. Its called taking your power back n showing some spineless SOB what a low life he is n how much better off u r without him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldog9 Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 Clia---I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but he honestly wouldn't really have time to just show up at my place unless it was like 3am, he works during the day, trains, and works at night. And if he has no phone, there's no way he can reach me by phone because he wouldn't know my number, and Tinder wouldn't work either unless he had phone. Agreed, am not going to physically show up at his gym or work!! Gaeta---I think it would make me look crazy if I showed up, would rather just try via phone to find out what happened. 6 months?? That's horrible, you have every night to tell him off. Why do people do this! Winny---It's the sweet charming ones and the obnoxious, arrogant ones. It's pretty much everyone! I know that sounds awful, but if this guy is really ghosting me, I am losing faith. As for looking stalkerish, I just can't chase him like that. It was a new relationship, a few weeks, it's not like it was a few years. It would just be too psycho to confront him in person like that. I'm trying not to jump to this conclusion just yet too, I don't want to assume he ghosted me, then contact him all upset and look crazy, only to find out there was actually some legit reason this is happening. I think I should at least give this a few more days before I say for sure he is ghosting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I agree with Gaeta. Its not looking like a psycho. Its called taking your power back n showing some spineless SOB what a low life he is n how muothch better off u r without him. Hmm....Taking your power back to me would be not contacting him again, walking away and dating other guys! At some point (because at the very least)he'll begin to wonder why you've gone off the radar and WILL contact you at some point. THEN you say whatever you want to, though personally I wouldn't bother even giving him that satisfaction! I would just ghost on him! OP I realise this is all very difficult for you right now and unless he gets back to you with a very legitimate reason-a very slim chance, I reckon I would just write this one off. Sorry 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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