Saracena Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 .... So we texted a few times So who initiated? (Not surprised you're feeling stressed because as you say it's best as a face to face conversation) Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Girl, you are giving him all your power. He is being lame. Why are you accepting this? I agree. What is so special about this guy, OP, that he deserves you literally having so much anxiety that you can't sleep and are hanging on by your fingernails for the end of his "training" today? Why, why are you doing this to yourself and why...as olivetree says...are you giving him all your power? What's the point? What good is he that he deserves any of this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 So we texted a few times but it was late at night and I fell asleep. I asked him if he was mad at me the other day and he said I was being totally reasonable. He said he's just overwhelmed with his work hours and the last few days really got to him. I didn't want to go at it too much or argue via text, since it was really late and he was at work, and I'd rather do that verbally on the phone or in person. I don't feel like he was trying to ghost because he would've just not responded to me at all. As someone mentioned, maybe it's the slow fade. The way his texts were it seemed more like he has just really been in a funk, and possibly mad at me even though he said he wasn't, maybe he can't balance work and dating. Maybe its PMS. He just seemed really fed up with his whole work situation and felt bad about how he's been to me, and yes, he did say he was sorry. I still wasn't clear on what his deal is, I then said 'are we cool' and he said yes. We couldn't continue talking because he was eventually in the subway and I fell asleep. While I did fall asleep, I certainly didn't sleep much at all and feel even more stressed because I don't know what's up! (and he's training for a few hours today so I can't find out more until that's done) You must, I repeat you MUST stop this none sense that somehow it's your fault, it's NOT !! I don't know what kind of psychological reaction makes you think you caused his behavior. Is it possible deep down you wish it's somehow your fault so that would excuse him? No, no and no ! I don't feel like he was trying to ghost because he would've just not responded to me at all. He did not answer you at all for 4 days. Even when you sent him: Is everything Ok? TWICE. Which would indicate you were worried !! That did not make him stop for 2 seconds and reply : I am good just busy talk soon. I am sure in the past 4 days he took a pee, and that's longer than typing I am good just busy talk soon. (and he's training for a few hours today so I can't find out more until that's done) Funny how he doesn't have time in 4 days to text you but you bet he had time to pack his gym gear, drive there, train, wait endlessly for the next machine to get free, take a shower, go back home. That he had time for. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldog9 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Olivetree--- I haven't accepted it just yet, just playing it cool and trying to find out what the real story is before I probably let him have it. Hard to really chat about something like this on text while he's in the middle of working. Saracena--- After establishing he was alive and with a phone, we texted back and forth. And yes, feeling even more stressed because I don't want to have this convo via text Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Olivetree--- I haven't accepted it just yet, just playing it cool and trying to find out what the real story is before I probably let him have it. Hard to really chat about something like this on text while he's in the middle of working. Saracena--- After establishing he was alive and with a phone, we texted back and forth. And yes, feeling even more stressed because I don't want to have this convo via text I am saying you are accepting it because you are continuing to engage him and are asking if you did anything wrong and if you're cool. It's like he ran over you with his car and you're worried you dented his fender. Playing it cool is fine for the small stuff. Playing it cool for the big stuff winds you up as a doormat. I'm not saying to go ape **** on him. But I wouldn't be responding to him. He should be trying to make this better with you without you doing anything at all. If you put up with this, with zero consequences for him, expect to be downgraded. What does "letting him have it" mean to you? If you mean giving him a lecture, he will learn nothing except that he can do this again to you in the future, if there is one. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I am not sure people keep bothering. Bulldog will do what bulldog wants to do. No one can tell her to cut this man off. The advice on here is consistent but she has done everything to the contrary. She is an almost 40 year old woman and can decide for herself if she wants to entertain a man who went silent on her for about 4 days and resurfaced with lame excuses. It's her prerogative. Everyone else is beating a dead horse. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I haven't accepted it just yet, just playing it cool and trying to find out what the real story is before I probably let him have it. Hard to really chat about something like this on text while he's in the middle of working. The real story?? like what?? Do you expect him to tell you he didn't text you because you are low on his priority list? or he was seeing someone else over the weekend? He won't. Take what is left of your pride and dignity and move on. Right now you should be offended. You should be telling yourself : who does he think I am to treat me like this! 7 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I am not sure people keep bothering. Bulldog will do what bulldog wants to do. No one can tell her to cut this man off. The advice on here is consistent but she has done everything to the contrary. She is an almost 40 year old woman and can decide for herself if she wants to entertain a man who went silent on her for about 4 days and resurfaced with lame excuses. It's her prerogative. Everyone else is beating a dead horse. It's her prerogative to do what she wants to do, sure, but she asked for input. Therefore, we gave input. Does this bother you? In addition to just saying "cut this man off," we have given further insights from our perspectives, as well as asked some questions that the OP has not answered (Who initiated this latest text? What is it about this guy that she finds worthy of this degree of attention and anxiety?). Again, AFAIK, this is one of the purposes of/objectives of someone coming onto a message board deliberately soliciting advice. Not seeing a problem in our answering, given that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Olivetree--- I haven't accepted it just yet, just playing it cool and trying to find out what the real story is before I probably let him have it. What "real story" do you anticipate getting? Are you expecting him to say: You seem like a nice enough person and the sex is ok, but when it comes right down to it, I don't feel like being tethered to one person. What I want is to casually date you, on my own terms. The reason I didn't contact you for the last 4 days is because it just wasn't important enough to ME to do so. I wasn't in a ditch or hospital, I just didn't feel any compelling reason to be in touch with you. But, hey, it's a new week, and you seem willing to forgive and forget, so let's make plans for sex soon, ok? Because that ^^ is the real story that he has already told you through his actions. You are sticking around now because you are deep in denial and want to be convinced he was actually abducted by martians... 10 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 It's like he ran over you with his car and you're worried you dented his fender. Love this! Spot on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 It's her prerogative to do what she wants to do, sure, but she asked for input. Therefore, we gave input. Does this bother you? In addition to just saying "cut this man off," we have given further insights from our perspectives, as well as asked some questions that the OP has not answered (Who initiated this latest text? What is it about this guy that she finds worthy of this degree of attention and anxiety?). Again, AFAIK, this is one of the purposes of/objectives of someone coming onto a message board deliberately soliciting advice. Not seeing a problem in our answering, given that. Not bothered at all. I actually think people have been helpful but clearly the help has fallen on deaf ears no matter how reasoned and responsive. I am perplexed by Bulldog's responses and her inability to see through this man's poor treatment of her. Of course, it is also people's prerogative to keep trying to get through to her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 There are only 2 possibilities here: 1. He was ghosting you - In which case you should go totally silent now that you know he isn't dead or sick or his phone isn't broken. 2. He wasn't ghosting you and just having trouble managing his time - In which case you should pull back and DO NOTHING and he should make it up to you for putting you thru all this pain and uncertainty and anxiety by ignoring your texts and going silent for 4 days at a stretch - because HE didn't know how to manage professional and personal life. It is in no way your fault or your task to help him manage his work life balance. In summary, you should pull back and stay silent. Preserve you power and dignity. Most important than any guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldog9 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Olivetree--- I know I didn't do anything wrong, I was just unsure if he was indeed ticked off over what happened, which there shouldn't have been any reason to be. As in did something that small set him off and make him disappear. As for letting him have it, I just meant I wouldn't ask too much or be bitchy and speak my mind until we were actually discussing it. Kidm---On here for suggestions, taking them all to heart, some extremes like showing up to his work or going crazy on him aren't really things I would consider doing, and people questioning why he's so busy, trust me, he legit works all the time, he has some other stuff going on that I don't need to get into on here, but time is not on his side. Gaeta---The real story as in was it truly because of being busy, or did he want to end things. CaliforniaGirl---I asked him what's up if that's what you mean by who initiated, then he responded, then I responded, and we went back and forth several times. What is it that I find worthy of this guy---the physical attraction is off the charts, his personality, the way we felt around each other, the things we talked about, just the way we were together it was probably the most intenselovey-dovey type affectionate relationships I ever had, mean the closeness was surreal, we just got each other, and he was good to me (up until now), etc...Excluding his sucky work schedule, it was just easy, effortless. Introverted1----see above...And as far as being with one person, he's the one that wanted to not date other people, not me. I prefer to multi-date initially so I don't have to deal with ghosting hell and invest too much in one person early on. Kidm--- Because I usually give someone a chance to explain themselves before reacting. I hear you guys. I'm listening. I have never had a relationship end on bad terms either, so, it's hard to get closure when things get nasty, let me at least talk to him before I say what a dickhead he just was Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 What "real story" do you anticipate getting? Are you expecting him to say: You seem like a nice enough person and the sex is ok, but when it comes right down to it, I don't feel like being tethered to one person. What I want is to casually date you, on my own terms. The reason I didn't contact you for the last 4 days is because it just wasn't important enough to ME to do so. I wasn't in a ditch or hospital, I just didn't feel any compelling reason to be in touch with you. But, hey, it's a new week, and you seem willing to forgive and forget, so let's make plans for sex soon, ok? Because that ^^ is the real story that he has already told you through his actions. You are sticking around now because you are deep in denial and want to be convinced he was actually abducted by martians... BINGO!!! Never stay at any place where you are not valued... guys or otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Gaeta---The real story as in was it truly because of being busy, or did he want to end things. What kind of important man is he that he cannot contact you for 4-5 days? Even your President Elect has time to tweet 100 a day!! Wouldn't you think he's got more on his plate than your boyfriend? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 What kind of important man is he that he cannot contact you for 4-5 days? Even your President Elect has time to tweet 100 a day!! Wouldn't you think he's got more on his plate than your boyfriend? Ha ha ha ha... it all comes down to priority... I hope she sees it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bulldog9 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He doesn't know that I would be ok with this. He implied we might be able to discuss this more on phone or probably in person when he's not working (but wasn't clear if that is tomorrow because I didn't respond yet to find out). Now I'm just holding off a while on responding. Winny---It's #2. He doesn't seem capable to juggling his stupid schedule and dating. It's overwhelming him. I think this is part of why I am at least willing to see what he has to say, and if he is willing to meet in person and talk, because most guys absolutely don't want to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He implied we might be able to discuss this more on phone or probably in person when he's not working (but wasn't clear if that is tomorrow because I didn't respond yet to find out). Now I'm just holding off a while on responding. Winny---It's #2. He doesn't seem capable to juggling his stupid schedule and dating. It's overwhelming him. I think this is part of why I am at least willing to see what he has to say, and if he is willing to meet in person and talk, because most guys absolutely don't want to do that. I have been in this EXACT situation. Please learn from what all of us are telling you. It is not about being busy. It is about what is priority and what is not. Do you think work will come in his way if say for example Angelina Jolie wanted to date him???? And nothing justifies him going silent for 4 days. Why didn't he directly have this talk with you instead of going silent. He was just seeing if you would go away if he ghosts you. You didn't so now he is giving all this crap reasons. I wish I could text him and prove this to you by getting a date set up with him... Bottom line is - HE wants you gone. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. A man that valued you would: * apologize and promise it won't happen again * would schedule time with you * would not let you go that easily So how come everything was dandy with his 3 jobs for the first 2 months and now it's an obstacle? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 He isn't interested enough to keep dating you, but rather than feeling like a bad guy he wants you to do it. He is essentially asking you to break up with him. Why even bother meeting in person? What else is left to say? You really want him to reject you all over again to your face? If he wanted to balance you with his schedule, he would. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He doesn't know that I would be ok with this. He implied we might be able to discuss this more on phone or probably in person when he's not working (but wasn't clear if that is tomorrow because I didn't respond yet to find out). Now I'm just holding off a while on responding. Winny---It's #2. He doesn't seem capable to juggling his stupid schedule and dating. It's overwhelming him. I think this is part of why I am at least willing to see what he has to say, and if he is willing to meet in person and talk, because most guys absolutely don't want to do that. I would believe him. He doesn't have the time or motivation to keep this going. Usually when people tell you what they feel is best for you, they are really telling you what is best for themselves. Sorry it turned out this way, but he's breaking it off and trying to do so gently. Notice he didn't suggest trying to work out a schedule that would suit you both? He didn't provide that option - he just said his work schedule won't be changing, which to me suggests it's not really up for negotiation. And also notice how he said nothing at all until you had tried a couple times to get in touch while he ignored you for 4 days? How long would he have let you continue to wonder if you hadn't been persistent in making sure he was okay? For whatever reason, he's not feeling it. You deserve someone who at the very least doesn't let you sit in limbo wondering what the heck is going on. I would walk away from this, because it sure seems that's what he's trying to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Gaeta---The real story as in was it truly because of being busy, or did he want to end things. Bulldog. My boyfriend works full time and has full time night classes. He is gone 16 hours a day - 80 hours a week. Wouldn't you call that busy? He drives 30km each night at 22h30 to sleep next to me. When there is a will, there is a way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 What kind of important man is he that he cannot contact you for 4-5 days? Even your President Elect has time to tweet 100 a day!! Wouldn't you think he's got more on his plate than your boyfriend? Now. That is funny. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I was just like OP before, but listening to all you ladies here.. has changed me so much... thank you guys... @lana @expatitaly @gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He doesn't know that I would be ok with this. He implied we might be able to discuss this more on phone or probably in person when he's not working (but wasn't clear if that is tomorrow because I didn't respond yet to find out). Now I'm just holding off a while on responding. Winny---It's #2. He doesn't seem capable to juggling his stupid schedule and dating. It's overwhelming him. I think this is part of why I am at least willing to see what he has to say, and if he is willing to meet in person and talk, because most guys absolutely don't want to do that. I'm sorry, bulldog, but he is playing you. This is all classic blame-shifting techniques, ie., "*I* want you but I am not sure you will want me on the terms on which I am willing to engage. And that would hurt me terribly, but it wouldn't be what *you* deserve". Mind you, this may not even be conscious or manipulative. (Although, i would be FAR more sympathetic had he not pulled the disappearing act.) But it is definitely the dynamic. I would also caution you against shifting the responsibility from HIM to his CIRCUMSTANCES. His life sucks. I get it. Guess what? So does, say, 75% of the population. Being able to handle challenging circumstances with a modicum of sense and respect for others is a minimal, non-negotiable std for carrying on adult relationships. I'm not going to rag on you for meeting him. Go ahead. But just please be very aware that you are quite vulnerable in all this. No one is going to look out for your interests here....except YOU. Sorry you have to deal with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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