Did he ghost me or did something bad happen? Or is phone just not working!

[princess lea]

[]

 

Yup! I ditched every guy who disappeared for a few days. I have now been married 14 years. Yeah, I'm a sample size of one but the "if you ditched every guy to the curb that disappeared..."

 

[]

 

This thread is unreal.

 

It was FOUR DAYS guys. It's also not uncommon for men, in particular, after 2-3 months, before entering into the next stage, to want to step back a bit, reflect, re-evaluate before moving forward.

 

I am not suggesting bulldog's bf was a saint here and he will win no awards for his behavior, but for the love of god, it was four days.

 

Many a boyfriend have needed to step back for a few days (my own boyfriends did)... I did not have a panic attack or freak out, I did my own thing, allowed him his space, and when he returned, we were more in love than ever and went on to have a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP.

 

[]

Edited January 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CaliforniaGirl]

Um, welcome to the forum?

 

Anyway...it's the OP herself who was expressing discomfort, from the get-go. That's really the bottom line here. He can't give her what she needs. We all need different things. And if you really read her posts (you are very new...are you sure you have the full story here?), it has been a general feeling and a "meh" attitude besides the "four days" thing.

 

Don't tell us to "just stop" until you know the whole story. Even then, don't tell us to "just stop" - if you literally think any of us should stop posting, that's for a mod to decide. Barring such an action, the OP continues to ask questions and continues to express extreme angst...extreme now to the point of not sleeping and being all twisted up...so we continue to answer her. (shrug)

Edited January 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[bulldog9]

Princess Lea--- Thank you!!!! This thread has gotten totally unreal. Someone backs off for 3.5 days and he's the worst person on earth, and I am the dumbest woman for wanting to hear his explanation. Unreal.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Princess Lea--- Thank you!!!! This thread has gotten totally unreal. Someone backs off for 3.5 days and he's the worst person on earth, and I am the dumbest woman for wanting to hear his explanation. Unreal.

 

Okay, honey, well you know what then? When you make up your mind on what you want, let us know so we can stop wasting time answering you only to have you say something like this, which actually is hurtful in light of the fact that some of us have been telling you what your worth is and so on.

 

So yeah. Since you started out arguing people down that this guy IS acting unacceptably, but now have written that off, apparently, as well as the help that followed, maybe just get on ONE track and then you won't have to deal with answers that you...I guess no longer want?

 

Because...what a hassle?

 

p.s. Now it's 3.5 days...Well, okay, sweetie, I can only wish you luck in whatever you decide, but DO decide...maybe that's the ONLY advice anyone can give you?

[princess lea]

Princess Lea--- Thank you!!!! This thread has gotten totally unreal. Someone backs off for 3.5 days and he's the worst person on earth, and I am the dumbest woman for wanting to hear his explanation. Unreal.

 

Pay no mind bulldog, you're fine.

 

Let him be. Stay calm, do your thing, don't overthink and allow him his space.

 

Don't make any decisions yet.

 

Another poster (male) said time will tell, yes it will.

 

Like I said, I have had two boyfriends who didn't call for a few days very early on. I was concerned but I had faith and trust in our "connection," and knew, since things were moving forward quickly, he was probably needing to step back a bit, which to me was normal. To be expected even.

 

Which was right on the money because after I left them alone, they returned, and we went on to have a long term RL, one RL lasted four years and the second one SIX years.

 

I simply cannot believe all this negativity and downright vilification all because a guy didn't call for 3.5 days.

 

Good grief!

 

[]

Edited January 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[bulldog9]

And just 1 more thing, the bar he works at is a restaurant with mostly families/couples coming for fancy food, not singles hanging out at the bar, and he never dates anyone from anyplace he works ever.

 

And I am 39 and always get told I look early 20's. I don't really have any self-esteem issues and have been successful in professional and personal life, and am not married by choice as my career came first up until recently. I live in NYC where relationships are way harder to come by than anywhere else, and there's 8 women for every 1 man. It takes plenty of confidence and open-mindedness to get through dating in this town.

[William]

Folks, we had a visit from a previously banned member so I took care of that and, since we've had a bit of influx of such posters of late, if something seems off with a new member with few posts, please advise moderation and, as appropriate, ignore them. Thanks and please continue!

[Popsicle]

I think there's been some good cases presented on both sides. The truth is, none of us knows what he's thinking or going to do. We can make guesses but that's all they are. Only time will tell. The question is, how much time should she wait before moving on? 2 days? 4 days? A week? Three weeks? A month? 3 months? That will be for her to decide.

 

I've had guys "pause" with me before too. That's a nice way of saying I got dumped (lol). Ex-H even did this when we were dating (I was devastated!) But to my surprise, he came back in a couple of days and asked me to marry him a few months later. I've also had one came back 3.5 years later saying sorry for how I treated you please be with me now (wtf is up with that?). I guess his re-evaluation period was loooooong. And I've been completely ghosted on before too with no reappearance. Really, they all suck but it's hard to know what this guy is thinking .....and no you can't ask him and think he'll tell you. lol

[bulldog9]

3.5 days (Fri-Mon), unless you count the day I saw him which was Thursday...

[Dis]

Princess Lea--- Thank you!!!! This thread has gotten totally unreal. Someone backs off for 3.5 days and he's the worst person on earth, and I am the dumbest woman for wanting to hear his explanation. Unreal.

 

Of course you chose the one piece of advice that suits your agenda because you lack the strength to be better...to do better...to value yourself

 

We teach people how to treat us

 

You're teaching tells him (and all the rest to come) you are not to be respected nor are you to be valued

 

I was rooting for you bull...but this is lost cause now.

 

Best of luck to you

 

I'm out

[Popsicle]

He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He doesn't know that I would be ok with this.

 

He implied we might be able to discuss this more on phone or probably in person when he's not working (but wasn't clear if that is tomorrow because I didn't respond yet to find out). Now I'm just holding off a while on responding.

 

I missed this post. So what is your decision?

[CaliforniaGirl]

3.5 days (Fri-Mon), unless you count the day I saw him which was Thursday...

 

Oh, well in that case it's no big deal, why on earth are we all freaking out about that?

 

Is that correct?

 

Except it was YOU who were freaking out, and continue to do so, and posted this as a major issue.

 

Color me REALLY confused. I'm out, I don't feel like getting chastised anymore for trying to talk somebody off the ledge only to have her turn around and pooh-pooh at how I and others are giving the wrong answers to her assertions that she's afraid, terrified, confused, losing sleep, texting in a panic, calling in a panic, blocking her own number attempting to slip a phone call through so he doesn't guess it's her, panic all through a day of training and so on.

 

I feel insulted trying to help with any of that, only to have you, OP, turn around and basically say my and others' responses are basically over-the-top.

 

Since it's no big deal at all and "only 3.5 days" and we're all being ridiculous, I guess you don't require any more input. Have at it, I guess. I won't be bothering to attempt to talk you off the ledge again, that's for sure. You work it out.

[Popsicle]

Well, after reading some of the infidelity threads and seeing most of them stay with their cheating spouse, nothing I read surprises me anymore.

 

I think this is some sort of pattern of human behavior: complain and then when faced with ending the R, start backpedaling and say how things are not so bad.

 

Maybe it's real love...

 

Well shoot, let me get some popcorn!

Edited January 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[William]

Hit the alert button folks, it's not rocket science. The more work you make for me, the less likely for posting privileges to continue. Let's move on now and enjoy the popcorn with a good movie. Thanks!

[anna121]

Good luck, bulldog.

[Gaeta]

He texted after training and we picked up the conversation... he essentially said he wants to keep seeing me, but he doesn't know if it's the right thing because he feels like he might be wasting my time if he can't give me (and us) the time I deserve, his work schedule isn't changing anytime soon, and it makes him feel bad about it all the time. He doesn't know that I would be ok with this.

 

I hope you will remember some of the things that were said on here. Good luck.

[ashy555]

The way I see it Bulldog is that this man is trying to give you an easy way out. I think he is too scared to tell you that he is not that into it anymore. He was into you, but realised he doesn't want anything too real just yet and backed off. He realised you weren't going to disappear that easy, felt bad and tried to tell you gently. If he really liked you, he would not give you the option to get out. I've been in this situation too many times to count.. I know the warning signs. The biggest problem is realising it yourself. You know it is most likely doomed otherwise you would not have made this post. You can see it but you're not ready to accept it yet which is perfectly normal. It's something we have to learn.

 

He went 4 days without even replying to two of your messages. 5 years ago I would have hung around even if it were 3 weeks no contact. Now, if I ask if someone is ok once and I get ignored. That's it. He can contact me if he likes. It takes two seconds to send a text and he couldn't manage it once in those few days.

 

I know men are different but if I really like someone, they will be on my mind all day. For a man, hopefully at least once in 4 days

 

Think about it this way. This guy is so busy that he can't even msg you for 4 days. Is that something you really WANT to continue to put up with?? Do you want someone who uses the excuse he is so busy all the time. Do you want someone who is too busy to send a 3 second text?

Try to be strong. This guy will try to sugar coat when he can as he is a bit of a coward and is scared of hurting your feelings. If I am correct, he will eventually fade you out. It will annoy you that you didn't stick up for yourself sooner. It will annoy you that you let him walk all over you. It WILL hurt even more.

 

Sometimes I think back on past dating experiences and cannot BELIEVE some of the cr@p I put up with. It makes me angry.

 

Actions speak louder than words. remember that

[selinaluv]

Alright, I guess no one has ever gotten back together with an ex. Come on. I don't know of any women I have ever met that don't do the back and forth, together one day, broken up the next, thing. It's pretty inconsistent. I haven't had one of those relationships like that in ages, but just saying, and not excusing what my guy did, but guys do plenty of things (cheating, always arguing, etc) that are way worse than what this guy did.

 

Winny--- That's not a fair statement whatsoever.

 

I know a few of those people. Their relationships never work out and they waste time and are unhappy in the end.

 

The only people I know who successfully reconciled as exes were married for many years, separated, had kids, and did some serious therapy. Saying... it is a very rare thing.

 

You have been with him for two months. Move on before you waste more time.

[olivetree]

The ghost show is over.

 

Welcome to the slow fade.

[Versacehottie]

hmmm, it's all a very curious thing, isn't it? Well OP I think the big disconnect that most posters are having an issue with is that you were gutted and upset at, what, 1.5 days into his disappearing act. Also there was a claim with the texts to him that you wanted to make sure HE was ok. But you really wanted to make sure you two AS A COUPLE were ok, right? Let's be honest? I think that's the part a lot of people are having a problem with. If you were really concerned about his well-being and sure of your relationship, it would be no problem to track him down at his work without feeling stalkerish. I am very anti-stalking or even pushing and I would have (did?) recommended that because if the intention was purely that, it wouldn't have been a problem. The real intention seems to have been to preserve and hope that the relationship was still intact which is why there was hesitation about acting crazy or out-of-line. I just think you aren't being honest with yourself that 3.5 days without contact was actually a big deal to you (as it would have been to a lot of other posters). I think also your gut was picking up on the fact that this guy was being disingenuous to the things he was saying and promising you in the course of the 2 months. Think that's why you are getting the gloomy forecast from a bunch of people. Is it possible that you guys will have a good outcome, sure. Maybe not the most likely of scenarios though. 1000% agree with whoever called his excuse "flimsy". Love the word in this context. Yes. Flimsy it was.

 

Bottom line though that I think you'd be wise to take from people's advice is that they are picking up on the "no power", not level playing field and a willingness to make excuses for the guy.... THAT for sure will not get you the relationship you want and may lose this guy for you as much as you see it as a willingness to be open and flexible. I think you got some great advice that fits what you WANT to do as well as gives you strength in the situation--don't ignore it. Sure, meet up with him, hear him out or whatever. Take whatever he is saying with a grain of salt. Watch his actions. Start to disengage emotionally. Only reengage emotionally when he has proven he's ACTUALLY in this. I think one thing that is going wrong with this thread is that you are starting to feel attacked so you can't accept what people are saying because you are busy defending yourself, etc. Idk, I will just say this about guys that come on hot & heavy--it's not really rooted. Not rooted in reality as much as guys who don't come on that way. Maybe his step back will be his time where he gets rooted and real OR it could be fading away. You'd be wise to pay attention for your sake. Basically all you need to take away from this is that you shouldn't over-invest in this person because his little freak out or whatever tells you that YOU need to protect yourself more. You can go about that in many ways and it's smart to hit from many angles if you are going to continue to give him a chance: re-distribute the power, back off a little to protect your heart, make him prove himself by OBSERVING what he does next and going forward. I wouldn't consider you two back on track because you are back in touch. Anyway, good luck

[kidm]

And just 1 more thing, the bar he works at is a restaurant with mostly families/couples coming for fancy food, not singles hanging out at the bar, and he never dates anyone from anyplace he works ever.

 

And I am 39 and always get told I look early 20's. I don't really have any self-esteem issues and have been successful in professional and personal life, and am not married by choice as my career came first up until recently. I live in NYC where relationships are way harder to come by than anywhere else, and there's 8 women for every 1 man. It takes plenty of confidence and open-mindedness to get through dating in this town.

 

Dating is hard in NYC but it also leads to both men and moreso women settling for mediocrity because the pickings are slim. Unfortunately, at your age it is also much harder as a lot of guys are looking for younger women. Vanity runs rampant in NYC. Also is tinder really a platform to find serious guys looking for committed relationships? I thought it was geared more towards people in their 20s and predominantly a hookup site. Anyway hope the guy proves most posters on here wrong for your sake. You seem to be very smitten and willing to take whatever he is offering at this point so best wishes! I'd caution that if you do want a serious relationship leading to marriage or a lifelong partner, you be a little more selective in what you tolerate. Four days might seem minuscule but this is not a case where a guy withdrew, was giving space and came back full throttle wanting to do right by the woman. He ignored your texts for about 3 days and returned offering you less than on the basis he doesn't have time. What then is he really offering? And when you take all the emotions out of it (which I acknowledge is hard to do), is that what you really want? Are you willing to give up your needs and wants (which I assume is a serious committed relationship) just to have this guy in your life for how long?

[trippi1432]

Unfortunately there are a lot of men who play on a woman's vanity...it gets them dates and gets them laid.

 

Bulldog, truly go back and read CaliforniaGirl's posts, they are the most sensible on your entire thread so far. Good luck.

[Saracena]

. Four days might seem minuscule but this is not a case where a guy withdrew, was giving space and came back full throttle wanting to do right by the woman. He ignored your texts for about 3 days and returned offering you less than on the basis he doesn't have time.?

 

Exactly.

 

Bulldog. You appear to be confusing the two distinctly different scenarios here.

 

Yes, guys do pull back to evaluate, process things, to re-balance when things become too intense etc. I'm not saying this is what happened but it's perfectly possible. The very best thing to do is NOT contact them at all and pull back yourself. In your case by doing so on a few occasions, he knew he *had* you, so to speak, so the risk of losing you to some other guy, for instance, in the interim was minimal. He could take his time, ignore your texts because in his mind, you weren't going anywhere! When he did 'come back' he didn't have to step up his game then either because, instead of ignoring that paltry message he sent and re-gaining some power-yes you did have a second chance to show him here-you willingly re-engaged AGAIN! Without any effort on his part,whatsoever! Jeez!

[VeveCakes]

The ghost show is over.

 

Welcome to the slow fade.

 

fading into 2017 like.....

[lana-banana]

It's cringe-inducing to see a middle-aged woman expend so much effort on a guy who has told her he isn't interested. You are acting like you're fighting for a long term relationship when in reality you have been hanging out for two months and he's over it. Somehow you missed a lesson most of us learned the hard way by age 25: if someone wants to walk out of your life, let them.